An Inspired Production of The Last Five Years at Southwark Playhouse

     Every single review of this show says it’s ‘sexy’ and ‘the actors are so hot’, and that refrain is really annoying and unoriginal.
     But this show is sexy and the actors are so hot.
     It’s true. I felt like I was breaking some kind of law sitting in the Union Square Theatre, with fellow audience members wrapping around the bar set in the middle of the room. The beginning especially, with the fantastic Rebecca Naomi Jones opening the show with her gloriously raspy voice, felt dangerous.  (As it should; it’s about murder. “I googled murder.”)
     This excitement continues through most of the show, but starts to wane when the focus shifts way too much to the hard-to-believe relationship between Michael and Sara. I just didn’t buy their chemistry. Maybe the audience isn’t supposed to fully buy it, but then don’t spend so much time focusing on their domestic life.   

   Despite the problems with the story, the heavy rock concert-vibe of the show coupled with the actors’ fearlessness drive the show forward and render it a very enjoyable evening. Will Swenson, who stood on my seat during the remarkably exciting 2009 revival of Hair, does a lot more standing on furniture and generally being insanely hot. However, his crazy good voice doesn’t really get a chance to shine through. The rock score forces him to be belt gravel-voiced shouts that don’t show off what this incredibly talented man can do. 
     Caissie Levy does get to shine vocally, but her character’s quick trip to motherhood seems very odd and out of place. Maybe that helps you feel even more for John Ellison Conlee’s character, who has the best diction. But Jones steals the show. I never appreciated her skills in previous shows, but this is definitely her showcase. The sexy rock score is perfect for her perfectly raspy yet strong voice. Her hilariously mocking faces made just for the audience’s pleasure lighten up the drama and get laughs, from those who can see them in this theatre in the round. I walked away definitely wanting to buy at least 80% of the songs, and wanting to see Jones in whatever she does.
     While it was overall a great experience, the show has a few major missteps. In addition to the aforementioned issues with chemistry and story focus, my biggest problem with it is that, while so many smart lyrics go unheard (due to really quick rhythms or really poor diction), the one lyric that sticks out like a sore thumb is the worst thing I’ve ever heard – “Your kiss is like a mouth tattoo.” I mean really. Who says that. What does that mean. I can guess what it means but it is odd, and it’s not good that that’s the one lyric that stuck with me (and other audience members I spoke with). 
     Luckily, the good outweighs the bad, and I’m really glad I saw this show. It’s a great time, with insanely talented actors and some really kick ass music. 

​As usual, the Golden Globes featured some great moments, some surprises, and a lot of really stupid moments. But one of the most noticeable differences this time around was how unfunny the telecast was compared to the past few years. For an awards show that usually has its live and TV audiences in stitches, the laughter was remarkably limited. Sometimes I’ll think of jokes from 2013 and 2014, when Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosted, and crack up uncontrollably. Like when they commented on the “Zero Dark Thirty” controversy and chose to believe Kathryn Bigelow because “when it comes to torture, I’m gonna believe the woman who was married to James Cameron.” They were amazing. But this year? I of course dole out a bit of the blame to the always-insane Hollywood Foreign Press for being equal parts bizarre and deluded, but most of the unfunny came from Jimmy Fallon, a person I used to adore and now pretty much despise. He likes to say that he prefers his comedy with rounded edges and doesn’t like to engage in politics, but that’s a rich sentiment coming from his white straight male superwealthy mouth.

Fallon’s opening parody of “La La Land”, though expected, starting off strong but quickly spiraled into lackluster b.s. I loved the red carpet bits with various celebrities, but when the “Stranger Things” kids started rapping again, it became apparent that this was half-assed. (Although those kids did lead into the best part of the opening: the synchronized diving Barbs. Is she really still alive?) Instead of Millie rapping, they should have had Gaten sing. That would have been something special. And then naturally Fallon’s lap dog/security blanket Justin Timberlake came on for a dance, the entire joke-premise of which seemed to be ‘let’s laugh at two men dancing’. 

Maybe it was an attempt to make up for how shitty he was in the fall, or maybe he couldn’t avoid it because it’s all anyone is talking about (rightly so), but Fallon’s monologue, once he got past the teleprompter issues (which shouldn’t really be a thing for a professional comedian?), was heavy on light Trump jokes. Like referencing nominee “Game of Thrones” and asking what it would be like if King Joffrey had lived – “Well in 12 days we’re gonna find out!” Haha that is HILARIOUS, Jimmy Fallon, when you are the one who made him seem normal and endearing to many voters. His non-Trump stuff was slightly funnier, although I don’t know how I feel about his Chris Rock impression. It’s a good impression, as most of his impressions are, and the content was strong – about how all the “The People Vs. O.J. Simpson” winners were going to thank Ryan Murphy and their partners but not one of them would thank the one person who had the most to do with getting them to that stage – O.J. Simpon. That was hilarious, especially when the camera cut to Sterling K. Brown and Cuba Gooding Jr. laughing really hard. But to do a Chris Rock impression in the first place, when talking about O.J., I don’t know it just seemed a little wrong. 

Thankfully, he didn’t speak for too long before the awards started. But the slightly off-kilter vibe this entire telecast had was evident from the start, as Emma Stone got up to present the first award with Ryan Gosling. When she got to the microphone, she f-ing sighed. Maybe she was just tired of how much success she is currently enjoying, but it very much came across as if she hated being there and wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. That’s something I would expect from a Billy Bob Thornton (who later got his chance to be suuuper weird with his acceptance speech) but not from Hollywood’s golden girl. Maybe it was a sigh of relief that Fallon’s main part was over with but I doubt it.

The bullshit continued, most egregiously, with the announcement of that first award, for Supporting Actor in a Movie. I literally screamed when Aaron Taylor-Johnson beat Mahershala Ali from “Moonlight”. I have nothing against the actor himself, but are you f-ing kidding me that ANYTHING from that POS “Nocturnal Animals” won an award of any kind that wasn’t a Razzie or more appropriately a “Do Not Resuscitate” from the League of Women Voters, #ShoutYourAbortion, and/or Equality Now? I will get more into this in my pre-Oscars movie review roundup (and how), but “Nocturnal Animals” was one of the most offensive and misogynist (and offensively misogynist) films I’ve ever seen, more so because it and its creator Tom Ford (what a winner he is) don’t even realize how indulgently violent and aggressively chauvinistic they are. It’s subtle enough in its rampant misogyny that I’m sure many viewers didn’t notice, but it struck me so clearly and consistently throughout the film that this was a piece for dangerously backwards thinkers who legitimately hate women. It reminded me of the kind of showy violent against women that goes unchecked in shows like SVU, but much more sinister in its lack of awareness. Point is, I cannot believe that this movie is getting accolades instead of disdain, especially over the one movie that deserves more than it has been getting, “Moonlight”. I mean, but I can believe it, because this is a world that allowed for Trump, so. 

The next award went to Billy Bob, so for a while the entire broadcast was entirely about celebrating hickish white male psychopaths who do nothing to improve society and everything to push it backwards (whether their character or real life). Cool HFPA. Billy Bob did not disappoint with his peculiar speech about how he was very happy to have beaten fellow nominee Bob Odenkirk, because the two Bobs have had a rivalry dating back to the 1940s, when they were in a movie with Van Johnson? Cut to Bob Odenkirk looking as super confused as the rest of us about why we allow Billy Bob to say things. 

Finally, things picked up when Tracee Ellis Ross won for Actress in a Comedy Series. I’ve only seen a few episodes of “Black-ish” but she’s wonderful in it. I especially enjoyed when she thanked her mom and dad because her mom is Dianaaaaaa. 

I honestly didn’t even realize that season 3 of “Transparent” already came and went. Damnn I’m so behind on my pop culture. Really behind, because the TV comedy winner – “Atlanta” – I haven’t even started yet. Which is nuts, because I adore Donald Glover so much! Troy Barnes man! He’s so flipping charming – “I really wanna thank…like. Atlanta – like all the black folks!” had everyone cracking up. What an impressive person, to have created, written, and starred in this critically acclaimed show while in his other career, as a rapper-singer, he’s produced another critically acclaimed album.

Interim fashion report: All the men have lumberjack beards, Mandy in “Homeland”-style. All the women seem to be wearing very sparse bedazzled dresses. And Nicole Kidman is wearing swimmies! Carrie Underwood’s pink ruffly gown is both super ugly and super pretty too. These open-shoulder clothes need to end their time in the sun already; I don’t get the appeal. And several women are wearing jackets (like Meryl’s) with bigger bedazzled jewels all over them. Weird.

Speaking of, one such bedazzled-jacket wearer, Nina Jacobson, also gave us a super weird speech. The producer of “The People Vs. O.J.” read written notes – always a bad idea, but here more ridiculous than usual, because she described the actual trial as a “tragedy turned into entertainment”, which maybe is true but just came across as really crazily insensitive and vulgur. Like her jacket.

This show was quickly spiraling to a level no one wanted to see, so luckily we were distracted by both great and incredibly random presenters. On the former side, we had Annette Bening come out and give off her trademark vibe of “Oh yes, I am here, and I am better than you”, but in like a great way. On the latter side, we got the random duo of Naomi Campbell (does she act or just throw phones) and that handsome advanced robot who goes by Matt Bomer.
 
Finally, we were treated to some funny when Hugh Laurie won his third Globe, for “The Night Manager”, and said how he was honored to win at the very last Golden Globes. “I don’t mean to be gloomy but it has the words ‘Hollywood’, ‘foreign’, and ‘press’ in the title. For some republicans, even the word ‘association’ is too much.” So funny, and extra good coming from such a glorious curmudgeon. He ended by accepting the award on behalf of psychopathic billionaires everywhere. Best acceptance speech by far.
 
Things picked up a little after that, with another fantastic acceptance coming from the truly joyous and delightful winners for Best Song, Pasek and Paul. It’s no secret I’m a huge fan of their musical work but it’s absolutely mind-boggling that they are going to win an Oscar soon, and before they even win a Tony (which they really better win in June or I’ll flip). They were so sincere in their happiness that it was a relief amid the rest of the room’s sense of boredom. It’s nice to see newcomers remind the others how lucky they all are to be there.
 
Okay, so the greatest part of the entire evening came during a commercial break. Did you see the CIGNA commercial? It featured all the famous TV doctors – Lisa Edelstein from “House”, Donald Faison from “Scrubs”, Patrick Dempsey from “Grey’s Anatomy”, and Alan Alda from “MASH” dressed as doctors telling people to get health insurance or something I stopped listening because I was yelling and reveling about how this was the best commercial in history. Why has no medical organization thought of this in the past? LOVES IT.
 
I guess that commercial was the indicator that things were about to get better, because the next few presenters were my favorites. We got Dev Patel and little Sunny Pawar from “Lion”, a fantastic movie and both of them are incredible in it. But really it’s all about how flinging flanging adorable Sunny Pawar is. Omg he is the cutest little face I cannot take it. Really, you need to see “Lion” if only for how great and cute he is. And heartbreaking. And so cute.

​The next pair, Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn, gave a welcome change of pace. Amy gets to the mic and said, “You guys, it’s Goldie Hawn.” And Goldie Hawn says, “I know.” The camera cut to Kurt Russell’s hilarious face and it was all wonderful. And then this happened:
 
Husband: “Is Goldie Hawn drunk?”
Goldie: “The nominees for Motion Picture Comedy or Mystical…”
Amy: “Musical.”
Goldie: “Musical.”
Husband: “So, yes.”
 
The very first actually moving speech came courtesy of Ryan Gosling, who thanked his partner Eva Mendes and dedicated the award to the memory of her brother, who battled cancer during the filming. I had no idea about any of this tragedy and it was kind of shockingly sad. Eva wasn’t there which is good because it would have been way too sad to see her cry. 

​Happily, the next presenters lightened the mood and kind of saved the show. Kristin Wiig and Steve Carell – who should host next year, please – presented I don’t even know what award because it didn’t matter. All that mattered was their continued dark humor as they riffed on each other for longer than it seemed they were allowed. Kristin, with a new short haircut, joked about how they get their hair cut together. “I’ll have that” she said and Steve shot back, “and I’ll have that – I’ll have what she’s having, like the orgasm.” Their ridiculousness continued as they remembered their first movies they saw in theatres but turned it into dark and weird stories about their family history, like how Steve’s first movie, whatever it was, “was the last time I saw my Grandpa…he disappeared.” They are amazing.
 
I’m sure it got some flack, but I think the decision to cut the In Memoriam (it would have been longer than the telecast, given how insane 2016 was) in favor of just a short about Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher, was a good idea. It was lovely but I wish it were a little longer. Hell they should have just shown “Singin in the Rain” in its entirety. Or all of Debbie’s flawless scenes from “Will & Grace”. And then all of Carrie’s perfect, hysterical late night appearances that uniformly destroyed the hosts. God this is one of the saddest, most tragic things.
 
Next, Casey Affleck presented our next nominated drama, “Manchester by the Sea”. He said it was a surprisingly funny and moving family drama, to which I responded out loud, “IS IT?” The clip showed 100% of all the dialogue from that overrated movie.
 
In the contest for Worst Acceptance speech, we already had lots of entrees, but Tom Hiddleston’s may be the winner for incongruous it is for a professional actor – who just won an acting award, no less – to be unable to speak well publicly. His long weird rambling story – about how doctors and nurses in the South Sudan binge watched his show – had all the makings of an actually good story about people doing seriously important work. Yet his inability to tell a story made it all really uncomfortable. It did have two things going for it though: one, it proved the importance of writers, and two, Christian Slater’s face.

​A little more than halfway through, we got to the part that people usually skip over but this year was the most important part – the lifetime achievement award, this year to Meryl Streep. Meryl’s speech was the most talked about part of the Globes, for dern good reason. But before we get there, let’s talk about how weird Viola Davis’s introduction was. Now, I adore Viola Davis. If you don’t adore her, you’re weird. She will be a Meryl Streep one day, if there is justice, which there isn’t. Even just her nose drippings are better actors than 99% of those out there. I thought it was interesting that Viola introduced Meryl since Meryl is the one that beat her for the Oscar that everyone, including the cover of Entertainment Weekely, assumed was in Viola’s bag. Viola don’t care. Viola loves Meryl and Meryl loves Viola because fierce ladies stick together. However, it was the weirdest speech. Viola was imitating Meryl when Meryl sassed her on  not making fully homemade apple pie or on making collard greens wrong, but it wasn’t imitating in a funny way, just a really dry and straightforward way, so it was suuupes uncomfortable for everyone, I think. If it didn’t finally FINALLY devolve into smiles, I would have thought Viola was Meryl’s enemy and was given the stage to destroy her or something. Very awkward and kind of painful. She ended by quoting Avatar and repeating, “I see you. I see you.” So, weird all around.
 
Luckily, Meryl’s speech was red underlined 100 emoji, and the endless news coverage it engendered is deserved. It was amazing. She started by listing off actors in attendance and not in attendance and stating where they were born, and it quickly was apparent that these esteemed actors were from all corners of the country and all reaches of the world, proving that Hollywood is, in contrast to what idiots like to pretend, full of different kinds of people with all different backgrounds. And if you got rid of all the outsiders in Hollywood, there would be no one left, and nothing left to watch except football and MMA, which isn’t art. I loved it. She went on to talk about how Trump’s mocking of the disabled reporter has stuck with her (all of us) and broke her heart, and how it gave permission for others to do the same thing. Disrespect incites disrespect, she said. “When the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose,” she said in her most quoted quote. “We need a principled press to hold power to account.” I love that she used this platform to say these important things. It doesn’t matter that she was preaching to the choir for the most part because the alternative is staying quiet, which isn’t an option. Also, look at how angry it made Trump, proving once again but to a really wide audience that he is more of an immature crybaby than a colicky infant. I love that Meryl spoke about him but never once said his actual name, because you know that that is what really got to him. Genius, she is a genius. The one thing I wish she did differently was say the name of that reporter, Serge Kovaleski, instead of continuing – as everyone is – to refer to him as just ‘disabled reporter’. I did have to look up his name though. It just would have hurt Trump so much more if the great Meryl Streep said Serge’s name and not his. As it is though, she was fantastic and we don’t deserve her. And she ended beautifully too: “As my dear departed friend Princess Leia said to me once, take your broken heart and make it into art.” 

​Meryl’s speech was indeed the high point of the show, which was made very clear by the still-super awkward presenting teams to come. The most awkward was probably the team of Sienna Miller, Ben Affleck, and Zoe Saldana. I missed how they are related, but the real story was how awful they seemed to be at working together. Zoe apparently forgot how to read and left poor Barry Jenkins from “Moonlight” hanging as she paused for an obscene about of time before saying ‘oh, Barry Jenkins! Sorry!’ and totally ruining his big moment. And when Zoe interrupted Ben’s attempt to read some lines, it wasn’t clear who messed up but it was clear that Ben was noooot happy. All of it was so weird.

Hot takes:
 
I didn’t realize that Winona Ryder got nominated for being a genuine crazy person in “Stranger Things” so hooray for that and hooray for communicating through Christmas lights.
 
Claire Foy is the poshest Brit there because she’s the only one who thanked the queen. Gotta thank Lizzie!
 
Coolest double win since Kate Winslet: Donald Glover! Who would have guessed he would win two Golden Globes in one night? Donde esta la biblioteca! His speech showed how decent and down-to-earth he seems and I’m so happy for him. I hope he gets to meet Levar Burton now and not screamcry.
 
I loved Matt Damon when he presented Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, and said he “has this privilege because I won this award in the male category last year, best actor in a musical or comedy…for The Martian, which is funnier than anything in The Martian.” The laughably inept HFPA’s decision to include “The Martian” in the comedy category last year will never stop being hilarious and ridiculous. One of the hallmarks of the Golden Globes is indeed the stupid decisions of the HFPA, as they maneuver around category descriptions and all good sense to make sure their favorite stars are nominated and awarded. It’s kind of a fun game, actually, as long as you don’t take it too seriously, which I do.
 
I find it very strange that Casey Affleck thanked Matt Damon but didn’t mention his brother Ben. Ben is so hurt I bet. I have no real problem with Casey’s mumbling and totally too chill demeanor, but if a woman spoke like him she would be vilified.
 
Case in point, I’m going to complain about Emma Stone right now, because she wins my award for Most Annoying Speech. She thanked Lionsgate for taking a chance on ‘newcomer’ Damien Chazelle, and while when production began on “La La Land”, he may have been a newcomer, it just seemed odd to say this after the success of “Whiplash” was three years ago. Like, after “Whiplash”, who in their right mind wouldn’t sign up to work with him on whatever he wanted? He wasn’t even 30 years old yet; everyone knew he was/is going to be huge. But okay, that’s not that offensive. Then she thanked a bunch of random first names that no one knows, which I always hate, but okay, whatever. But then, most annoying of all, she got emotional and said she shared this award with anyone who struggled or had doors slammed in their faces or actors who waited for a callback that never came &c. Like…I’m sorry I don’t buy this. I’d buy this from a Taraji P. Henson or Viola Davis who achieved big success somewhat later in life but not from one of the highest paid, most in demand people in Hollywood who got her break before she was twenty and got her big starring roles before most of her peers graduated college. I know she had a hard few years booking jobs when she moved to L.A. at 15 or 16 but like jfc give me a break, you were a teenager and started working consistently as just a slightly older teenager. Argh I wish they would have shown the faces of the actors in the audience who legitimately struggled for more than 5 years and for decades when there wasn’t a 1 in front of their age, faces which I’m sure read, “girl, please.” It pissed me off so much because it seems like the kind of thing you can’t find fault with – recognizing all those who struggle – but I find fault with it because she is notttt the person you look to when you think of struggling actors when she was a star at like 21 years old, FFS.
 
The best surprise win was Isabelle Huppert for “Elle” over Natalie Portman for “Jackie”. I’m not saying Natalie was my pick, because I only could get through about 30 minutes of “Jackie” (what an annoying and boring movie, although she was great). Just everything I’ve seen has been putting NatPo as the frontrunner so this was a big surprise. Yay for Isabelle! Although this worries me that perhaps this leaves a path open for Emma Stone to win the Oscar, which is just weird, though it would prove my above case about her not being the paradigm of struggling actor if she wins an Oscar in her 20’s, and I do like being right.
 
Conversations I would have loved to see during the commercial breaks:
I hope Stallone and Milo Ventimiglia were able to catch up at the party.
I would pay money to see Taraji go Cookie on Emma Stone and ask her, “So, when did you struggle.”
I would have liked to see all the men with bushy beards standing in a circle so they noticed how silly they looked.