30 Rock’s Cheesy Blasters: I Made Them! 

   My main theme for VeganMoFo 2013 is to veganize some of the dishes featured on one of my all-time favorite TV shows, “Friends”. As those of you not living under rocks should know, Monica was a professional chef, so we have some interesting & fancy dishes coming up in the next few weeks. However, I had to start  not with one of Monica’s amazing creations, but with perhaps the most famous dish of the ten years of the series’ run…and perhaps the most famous TV dish of all time (yes I went there): Rachel’s English Trifle, or the Thanksgiving Cockup. 

If you aren’t familiar with it, watch this: 

 Yup, this is what we’re making. I KNOW! At first, I considered making the Shepherd’s Pie portion out of dessert-type foods that could just resemble beef sauteed with peas and onions. Cacao nibs in sweet cream with little green candies, crushed chocolate cookies with chopped mint leaves in a chocolate sauce, and more were among my ideas for how I could chicken out of this. But I realized of course that I just HAD to go all out. (Also, when I ran the idea by some friends, they were adamant that I do it the gross way. My friends are smart.) Otherwise, what’s the point? What’s the point of making delicious custard and cake if you can’t destroy it with faux beef with peas and force your family to eat it? 

     So here we go. We’re in this together now. (Except of course I’m the one who has to eat it.) 

First, I made the custard. I roughly used the cream recipe from the Banana Cream Pie recipe in Vegan Pie in the Sky. I boiled a mix of almond milk and agar, then more almond milk and cornstarch, and then sugar (half turbinado half powdered). Then I blended it with silken tofu, coconut oil, and vanilla. It didn’t thicken as it should have, but luckily I made it yesterday, and a day in the fridge helped it set. You can make any kind of vanilla cream or custard you want.

I also made a small batch of vanilla cream frosting for the top layer. This is going to be awesome.

Oh right, you’re here for the beef part. I sauteed a handful or two of red onion in a bit of olive oil with some frozen peas, and added in Gardein beef cubes. It would be nice on its own…but that’s not what we’re here for.

For the two layers of ladyfingers, I decided to make a denser vanilla cake than usual, and then break it into small square pieces in the trifle. I just winged a recipe, and it actually turned out really well. I’m learning! 

The actual dish calls for jam and raspberries, but I only had fresh strawberries on hand, so I used strawberry jam to complement it. You can use whatever combination of berries and jam that you want. (Wait, are you actually going to make this?)

COMPONENTS

• 1 batch vanilla custard or cream of choice
• 1 batch vanilla frosting 
• 2 vanilla layer cakes
• 1 C berries
• 1/2 C jam
• 1 (small) batch faux beef cubes sauteed with peas & onions

Cake recipe

DRY INGREDIENTS:

• 2C flour
• 1C sugar
• 1T cornstarch
• 2t baking powder
• 1/2t salt

WET INGREDIENTS:

• 1C milk
• 2t apple cider vinegar
• 1/3C canola oil

Directions: Preheat oven to 350.
Let the milk and ACV curdle in a measuring cup for 5 minutes.

Mix together in a large bowl all dry ingredients.
Add the oil to the milk/ACV mixture, then add that to the bowl of dry ingredients until mixed. Don’t try to overmix, but if you do it’s NBD because we’re going for denser cake.

Bake for about 25 minutes, until the toothpick test works. 
Once cooled, cut into small squares.

FOR THE VANILLA FROSTING:
INGREDIENTS: 

• 3C confectioners sugar
• 1/2C Earth Balance butter (or margarine of choice)
• 1/2C Earth Balance coconut spread (to balance the flavor)
• 2t vanilla extract

Directions: Mix all ingredients with hand blender until they become frosting. 

FOR LABOEUF (NOT SHIA):

• 1C Gardein beef cubes
• 1t olive oil
• 1/2 small onion
• handful frozen peas

Directions: You know how to do this, you just don’t want to.

NOW LET’S GET TO LAYERING THIS BITCH!

1. Put down a layer of the cake squares
2. Cover that layer with your jam of choice
3. Then, spread down most of your homemade custard
4. Top the custard with your berries, and more custard if you want
5. ADD YOUR MEAT AND PEAS YO
6. Top with more custard, more jam if you want (Joey would be happy with that improvement), then the vanilla frosting, and bananas
7. VOILA!

Let’s see all that in action:

 THIS WAS SO GROSS. I forced myself to eat a piece, obviously, and I’m so nauseous. The things I do in the name of MoFo! I couldn’t force my family to try it though. I couldn’t even successfully explain to my mom why I was adding beef to the beautiful and otherwise delicious dessert. I said, “Don’t you remember the ‘Friends’ episode when Rachel makes the trifle and messes it up?” And she said, “Yeah I remember.” And I said, “I’m doing that! For MoFo! It’s my theme to make stuff from “Friends”. And she said, “Okay…I don’t get it.” Sigh. I hope you guys do, because if ate this shite for no reason I’ma cry. (No, I’d probably vomit first, because that might happen anyway.)

You bastards want proof that I ate this, don’t you!!! As if my nausea isn’t enough, my Elphaba-like face color. Fine! Here you go. This picture is the piece I ate FOR YOU. You’re welcome. So anyway, how do you wanna pay me?* (Your line: Is this a service you’re providing me?!) (NB: guess the source of this line and gimme some deets and you get Giveaway Points! Alternatively, just say something awesome. Do both, and like crazy things could happen to both of us.) 

I still can’t believe I successfully constructed and ate the famous English Trifle/Shepherd’s Pie. Could I BE any more like Rachel Green?

fellow mofoers – you might realize that all your amazing comments are gone. lost in the transfer from weebly 🙁 but as of now you can see them here! https://laughfrodisiac.weebly.com/my-own-creations/veganmofo-veganizing-friends-rachels-english-trifle

Dubai was never very high on my to-do list, even though I’ve heard nothing but good reports from others. It just seemed a little plastic, a little bland, a little cultureless (and a lot problematic politically). But there’s much more to it than just being the enormous luxury mall capital of the world, and while I wouldn’t advocate choosing Dubai for a super long holiday over more interesting locations, it’s the perfect spot for a layover or, in our case, before a venture deeper into the Middle East. There’s plenty to keep you busy for a few days even if you aren’t rolling in oil money. Normal people live there too! And while I’m eager to share all the museums and cultural gems we discovered during our time in Dubai, today we’re discussing the vegan food and lodging because that’s what I am and that’s what I care about. And I’m going to save the best part for last so get your reading pants on!

Once we landed and showered (hooray for the room being ready for once!), we were ready to find what would be a favorite Dubai restaurant: Zaroob. I received several recommendations for this classic Middle Eastern place, including from my brother who according to the Snapchat gender-flipping filter is just me with shorter hair so of course I was going to love it. Considering my affection for hummus and bread for that hummus, Zaroob delivered. It was an easygoing place with a great menu of all my classics: hummus, bread, chickpeas, salads, other types of bread, other types of salads. I could literally eat that every day. And I do!

From the English menu (everything in Dubai is in English), we ordered the hummus with a Lebanese twist, the twist being I guess that it was topped with chickpeas and olive oil; I guess the Lebanese like cute lil nods to deconstructed hummus. We also got a fattoush, which came in three parts – the regular vinegary green salad, the dish of pita chips, and the plate of mixed herbs so that was fun. Our requisite foul (fava beans but like amazing) came in a large silver pitcher which I found hilarious (and hard to photograph).

We also got an order of za’atar manoushe, which is like a flatbread pie with amazing spices inside. We first went crazy for this dish in Jordan and we pretty much get it at every Middle Eastern restaurant every time.

I love this place. It’s casual, inexpensive, and delicious. Their menu said that they were coming to London soon but I guess we have different definitions of soon.

After a day of exploring the labyrinthine malls and city center (next post!), we had dinner at the vegan-friendly yoga studio & cafe (my favorite kind of place, honestly, I’m so crunchy) Life’n One (the accurate typography, I checked; it’s a contraction of Lifern I guess). The restaurant was outside in a gorgeous setting, dark but gorgeous, full of mosquitoes because of said darkness but gorgeous.

There are a few wooden tables out back (with spiders, hooray) and lots of carpets with cushions to lounge upon which isn’t the mooost fun when you are eating but it looks so nice.

As is my wont, I ordered the Superfood Salad, but this was the wrong order at such a me-centric joint. It was mostly kale, which yeah I love, but there wasn’t enough of anything else. It was supposed to be “hand-chopped kale” which I guess means “huge pieces I have to rip apart with my hands” with Mexican avocado, oven-roasted potatoes in tahini, pea shoots, pumpkin seeds, goji berries, and acai dressing. It was pretty much those big kale pieces and REALLY big potatoes. I should have tried the other salad which is I shit you not called ‘The Salad I Was Looking For’ (why didn’t I listen to it?) because it’s topped with ashwagandha and you know I love any bullshit about healing mushroom powders.

Z always orders right, and he got the Unbeatable Vurger, one of their classics. (Other classics included chickpea flour scrambles and omelettes and something incredible called Jungle on Toast so I really ordered wrong.) The Vurger is an oyster mushroom patty with faux Gruyere cheese (I feel like this was just a slab of tofu but who’s complaining), melted cheddar cheese, mushrooms, mixed greens, pickles, and sprouts. It was gooood!

But the best part is not pictured because I got it to go and it was hot in Dubai and it melted but it didn’t matter because it was incredible and delicious and messy and amazing. The Snickers pie. If you go, you get it. It’s everything you’re imagining it to be, but better and chocolaty-er (if I said chocolatier you’d think I was talking about a person so here we are) and messier.

Next up to bat is my favorite place in Dubai. Okay I say that a lot but I have a lot of favorites, it’s allowed. But the Arabian Tea House, an oasis in the middle of a long day of sightseeing, is legit my favorite of all. It has that classic Middle Eastern menu of all my faves but, like the best Tony Awards opening number of all time that I must admit will never be topped even though I’m a little meh on Neil Patrick Harris right now, BIGGER. The Tea House also has the loveliest setting, oh man, bright and airy (it is outside) in a cute but packed (popular for a reason) courtyard. And the food is wonderful.

Why is this wonderful place my top restaurant for Dubai? Well sure they had delicious watermelon juice, and great hummus, and amazing hot tanoor (their word, I don’t know it but I’ll use it) breads that they kept bringing me because I can demolish hot bread, but they also had a menu section called Emirati Salads so I stood no chance.

Obviously I got one, the Arabian Tea House Special Salad (this time I listened to what the menu was telling me; always listen when people/salads tell you who they are). It was a big ass bowl of sorrel, tomato, basil, coriander (European for cilantro), onion, pomegranate seeds, “baby rockets” as the menu said (they meant rocket/arugula obvs but the extra ‘s’ may have been the final push to order it), olive oil and lemon juice, served with even more fresh tanoor bread. THANKS.

As usual, we over-ordered and yet finished everything because it was fantastic. We got SUCH GOOD HUMMUS, like memories of Tel Aviv amazing hummus. We got the aforementioned watermelon juice that came with a big ole hunk of watermelon, please and thank you. We got a dish of navy beans ‘in a sauce’ that turned out to be tomato-y and thus it was like literally a dish of baked beans and we found that hilarious but it was good so who cares, especially when it required moar bread.

Okay in hindsight I guess we didn’t grossly over-order but I remember being grossly full, probably because we had like 11 bread refills. I LOVE THIS PLACE.

We have one more restaurant to talk about before we get to my favorite non-hummus topics (beds and swimming). One night, before we went to the top of the Burj Khalifa (like I said next post!), we ate dinner on the water at Souk Al Bahar (across the bridge from the big mall) at a restaurant called Baker & Spice. This restaurant has a surprisingly good vegan pasta option, and while I usually never order pasta out (I-ah come-ah from the eye-tals I-ah make-ah it good!), I’m glad I got this. It was vegan beetroot bucatini with Madras chickpea curry, lemon, and coconut. Interesting mix but it worked! We also shared a nice lentil soup.

We sat outside on the patio so we could see the fountains, and we had to move a few times because of gross ass smokers, but it was worth it because that night was the special 10th anniversary show for the Burj Khalifa. Every 20 or 30 minutes, there was a fantastic fountain show by the designers of the Bellagio fountains. It was so fun!

All in all I had pretty great vegan food in Dubai. There’s one more meal to share, but that will come in the travel post because it was in the middle of nowhere in another Emirate – we toured all 7 in a day! Have you been to the Arabian Tea House? Did you get mosquitoed at Lifern One? Do you know when Zaroob is coming to London? Comment away!

LODGING

When we first arrived in Dubai, cranky and tired and pushing through the jet-lag jello barrier, our room at the Four Seasons Hotel was like a miracle. We stayed at the DIFC (Dubai International Financial Centre, like the Wall Street/Canary Wharf area) location because we could use corporate rates which worked out awesome because big announcement: THE FOUR SEASONS DIFC HOTEL BED IS IN MY TOP 5 BEDS OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME! It was PERFECT. Those pillows. Those pillows were the best pillows I’ve ever encountered. I dream about those pillows while sleeping on inferior pillows. (Not that I sleep anymore since my jet lag from this week’s long-haul is the worst it’s ever been for some reason but that’s not a complaint for you, that’s a complaint FOR THE GODS.)

The service was really nice too, and every day (or sometimes twice!) they’d bring us little treat gifts, like a box of fancy dates or a fruit plate. Housekeeping also always lined up my toiletries in straight army lines which I found hilarious.

Despite being in the quieter financial centre, it wasn’t a bad location. Sure you could choose to be closer to the lights and crowds by the malls and the Burj Khalifa but in the DIFC, we were closer to Zaroob, so, priorities. It wasn’t hard to get anywhere either. And the best part of staying here, the part I told you at the start was coming, was that the Four Seasons DIFC gave their guests access to their much fancier, much more expensive, much just all around INCREDIBLER resort branch uptown (or downtown, I didn’t get a sense of Dubai’s layout, sue me, but it feels right to say ‘uptown’ you get it because suuupes fancy like movin’ on up mooovin’ on up &c.). The Four Seasons Dubai Beachfront Resort at Jumeirah Beach was, to put it simply, my good place, so amazing I bolded it for no real reason except that maybe making it bold will bring it closer to me again. I might cry remembering all the amenities. There’s nothing Tom Haverford and I have more in common than our love for amenities.

The resort was like a grand palace, and they pointed us to the spa changing rooms which give access to the pool and the beach, which is just beyond the pool, which is my favorite kind of beach. I have fun on beaches but omg, a swimming pool is my JAM. So having both right next to each other is perfection. There were actually two big pools, separated by a gate. One was for families/kids and had an afternoon sing-along session – which is the first time we ever heard “Baby Shark” and it hasn’t left my head since.

The pool workers came around with free green juice at one point, and constantly came around with waters. I mean. Was this real? I actually am unsure.

So what about those T-Hizzle amenities? Well, that spa changing room I mentioned was connected to the spa, and we were allowed to go nuts, and go nuts I did. The Four Seasons Resort has the MOST BALLER SPA I have EVER seen IN MY LIFE. There was a jacuzzi, steam rooms, sauna rooms, tropical rain shower sections, weird different-types-of-breezes-in-a-cubicle sections, fully stocked lockers (thanks for that weird underwear you’re supposed to wear for spa treatments you’re damn right I took it for some reason), a lovely snack table with apples and fresh juices and dates and water and oranges and pretty much just everything you’d want. There was a magic BATHING SUIT DRYER. You put your wet swimsuit in and push a button and there’s a weird sound and literally five seconds later your suit is dry! IT’S A MAGIC LAND.

It was THE BEST! Since the spas are off each changing room, Z and I were separated (yes, there are TWO of these tricked out spas) but it was still so much fun. We both tried literally every part, every steam and sauna and weird shower and jacuzzi, after a day of swimming in the pool and the ocean and then the pool and then the other pool. It was the best day. I like being in water at all times. The changing rooms also had wonderful showers that we used after all the swimming, fully stocked with fancy hair and body products, plus all the toiletries you could imagine.

The best part is, we got all of this for being guests of the DIFC, not paying the resort prices. If you can swing it, you should stay here, as it’s the BEST, but staying at the cheaper DIFC location (with the best beds)(I mean I’m sure the resort has equally incred beds, maybe even nicer, but I can’t report on that) and crashing the resort party was definitely the right move for us!

So that’s it for the soft parts of Dubai (food and hotels are soft; touring and museums and stuff are hard). Stay tuned for the big travel post! Here’s another face hole to tide you over. You know how much we love face holes.

(Re: the title of this post, since Z didn’t know WHAT I was getting at: Did some of you not grow up with a Ruby’s Diner and thus its earworm of a jingle? If not, this is referencing said jingle.)