I saw Pretty Woman: The Musical So You Don’t Have To

It’s Theatre Thursday! Today’s show is Pretty Woman: The Musical, which is playing on Broadway at the Nederlander Theatre.

You know how sometimes things are so bad and you wish a) that you could go back in time and Not Do Them and b) if you can’t go back in time at least Not Think About Them for maybe hey just a minute out of your day but instead you are constantly plagued by the harrowing memories that pop up at the most random times like when you are working or in the middle of the night you’ll just wake up and be like FORK ME THAT WAS BAD? Pretty Woman: The Musical is currently playing on Broadway. It opened what seems like an eternity ago but it is still the current season, and with Broadway’s award season officially begun, it’s time to talk about the show (because none of the nominators will heyooooo!). To quote another beloved movie the musical version of which would probably never live up to how great the movie is, gird your loins.

I understand the desire to capitalize on a known property, since having such a built-in fan base and incredible brand recognition makes it seem like a slam-dunk. But with those fans and that recognition comes, in this case, a movie that is so adored that the unavoidable comparisons between the two will always favor the first. With a movie as beloved as Pretty Woman, the odds of making a musical version that’s better – or even equally good – were (to quote another perfect beloved movie with a new, beyond disappointing musical adaptation) mmm slim to none.

Musicals like Mean Girls (I can’t believe I’m about to praise Mean Girls) took that likelihood and improved their odds by keeping a few aspects of the original that fans would expect (“She doesn’t even go here!”) but adding a ton of great new things (still laughing about “Je m’appelle Sasha Fierce”). Thanks to Tina Fey, the Mean Girls musical book is chock full of hilarious lines that are maybe even funnier than the movie’s. Though the musical isn’t great, it’s still enjoyable in its own right because of its updated book (and a smattering of good songs). There’s no way an adaptation can succeed without giving a strong reason for its existence by offering new, quality features.

There’s a line between these two needs, the need to give fans what they love about the original while offering something new and worthy that validates the musical’s existence. But? Guys? It’s not exactly a thin line. It’s pretty easy to land somewhere in the broad Venn diagram section of a finished product that includes two kinds of material: new and old. Yet despite having wide margins, the team over at Pretty Woman landed squarely outside the success zone – because they added nothing new. Well yes there are songs now – songs that sound like Bryan Adams rejects from the early ‘90s (and with Bryan Adams and his songwriting partner Jim Vallance responsible for the score, that makes sense (although you’d think a successful songwriting duo would have come up with at least one decent song here (which makes me think these literally were songs they wrote decades ago and were told weren’t good enough for radio play))). But the score does absolutely zilch to tell the story. Some of the songs had me scratching my head as to how someone thought that was appropriate for this character at this moment. 

But the real problem is the book. They are literally regurgitating the movie word for word. My sister-in-law and I love the movie, and like any god-fearing American citizen we know most of it by heart. But if you also know the movie well enough to recognize all the lines, then you already know every line in the stage version. It’s literally a word-for-word retread of the script, and that’s its biggest flaw. How can you prove you deserve to exist, little musical, if you copy the movie and don’t offer anything in return? Even all of Vivian’s COSTUMES are the same – the iconic white suit and black hat (complete with the ‘big mistake, big, huge’ moment said verbatim), the iconic red gown worn to the opera (complete with Edward closing the jewelry box on Vivian’s hands all done verbatim). (One of the things I keep thinking about is why, amid all these copied costumes, they changed the color of her polka dot polo-match dress from brown to blue. WHY! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN! I can’t stop thinking about it. That’s the only thing they changed from the whole movie.)

With every line copied, you’re forced to remember how the original cast said their lines, so when you hear this cast trying to make things their own, it just sounds wrong. And that’s the entire show. The cast – this cast of amazing talent, including Samantha Barks, Orfeh, Eric Anderson, and ffs ANDY KARL – is given nothing new to make their own, just an old script full of lines that the audience is expecting to be said a certain way but they, being living breathing actors and not automatons, want to make their own, so the result is just cringey discomfort. Everything feels wrong. I wish someone had written a different script. Oh I forgot, the only difference is that when Stuckey tries to rape Vivian she beats him up. Which is great, but it doesn’t do anything for the story this way so why not just write a different scene? Why didn’t anyone write anything new?!

Literally the only great thing about the show was that Orfeh says ‘cockroaches’ like a real New Yorker. I think she and Natasha Lyonne are the only two broads in the biz who accurately and amazingly say ‘cocka-roaches’. So that made me happy. Hundos of dollars and 3 hours of my life and a wasted slot where I could have seen something else happy? Mmm (to quote another movie that should not get a musical version) how about no, Scott.