Brilliant Corners, London: Wonderful Japanese Food, Weird Name, Atrocious Service

Most Americans and other non-Brits, when they think of England, think of fancy tea parties, the royal family, and wypipo in big ass hats. Especially when they think of London, ho boy; in their imagination it’s some exalted, clean (lol) city with proper and polite people in tailored clothes, fabulous accents, and yes more big ass hats. Since I am an American living in London, I can tell you that all of that is such utter horseshit that I’m laughing at my own words like Jimmy Fallon when he was on SNL. London, although I love it, is like most big cities that usually smell of piss or sewage (the plumbing is likely the original from the 19th century and is in rull need of a refurb) and instead of fancy people in fancy hats, the folks you’ll run into most often are lads (white boys from 18-35 who act like they are 17 and under) who are a few sips away from being black-out drunk, and they’re vomiting on the sidewalks even during daylight (which is a real feat considering we don’t have much of that this time of year (daylight, I mean; we have plenty of drunk ass lads)). And I never see people out in fancy hats in the city. However, one part of the stereotype rang true for me recently: I went to a fancy ass afternoon tea at a fancy ass hotel. And we liked it, and we loved it. In that beautiful dining room, surrounded by dressed up people generally behaving themselves, it felt like the London of ill-informed Americans’ dreams. 

This delightful occasion arose due to a friend’s visit. I asked what she wanted to do in London and she said “go to a fancy tea!” and I said “yay!” and she said “let’s go to the Ritz like the real classic high tea!” and I said “I didn’t know they could do it vegan!” (we’re both vegan) and she said “I saw reports!” and I said “I’ll email them just to be sure!” and she said “I will too!” and the Ritz told us “we can do vegan!” and I said “Why wouldn’t you put that information on your website so vegans know that you are an option and also why wouldn’t you be publicizing the fork out of your ability to accommodate vegans when London’s dining scene is like completely controlled by and catered to vegans right now (and rightfully so)?” Okay I didn’t say that but I’m going to because they should be allll about the vegan clientele; we run this city. WHO RUN THIS CITY? Vegans. Anyway, some of you more in-the-know tea fans might have caught a mistake in my very accurate portrayal of my convo with my friend: “High tea” is not what we were after. What many people think of as ‘high tea’ is really ‘afternoon tea’, with the little finger sandwiches with no crusts (‘crusts are for the poor!’ – English people) and scones and decadent desserts. That’s afternoon tea. High tea means like, regular dinner food. It comes from when working classes, who unlike the upper class jabronies couldn’t take hours out of their afternoons to share a prissy tea service with little cakes and shit with their behatted neighbors to talk about how hard it is to find good help, would instead drink their tea together after work, and that’s when they’d need their big evening meal. That’s why so many non-Londoners call dinner “tea”, because that’s when they eat regular dinner food. (They also don’t call dinner ‘dinner’ it’s usually really tea or supper (gag) or sometimes they call lunch dinner and I’m going to just drop it before my head splodes.)

So, anyway, here we are, it’s afternoon tea and The Ritz, the famous classic hotel on Piccadilly, which according to wikipedia is “one of the world’s most prestigious and best-known hotels”, does it up for us vegan-style. I’ll be honest; I had low expectations. Even though they said they could do a proper tea with vegan goodies, I’ve been disappointed by super fancy expensive places before. In fact, they’re the places that most frequently disappoint with their ‘vegan accommodation’. So I was excited for this afternoon tea, but I was expecting to drag them for offering sub-par vegan fare. Well GUESS WHO’S DOING THE DRAGGING NOW. I mean, no one, that doesn’t make any sense I guess because it was AWESOME. All the food was delicious, we had scones, we had incredible cakes and what nots. Guys, if you wanna visit, I would go back with you. It was FANTASTIC. (Just so you know, the aforementioned visiting friend treated me to the experience AND brought Beyond Sausages over, I mean not that you have to meet such a high bar if you visit, no not at all, I’m just sharing so you know it’s an option for you.)

Oh also, the bathroom in the hotel was the nicest. They even had glass water bottles and glasses out in the little sitting area. I didn’t take pictures in the bathroom because I’m not a total weirdo but here are some more interior shots before we get to the food. 

When we arrived, they took our name and led us to our table, but they apparently misheard the name because our main waiter thought we were a Birthday Table at first and not the Vegan Table. Luckily I told him before too long ‘you know we are both the vegans right we confirmed like several times right you are ready for us?’ so he was like ‘ohhh okay your name is X not what I thought I heard’ and I was  like BRING ME TINY SANDWICHES and, reader, he did. It took longer to get water (fancy places and their hatred of bringing me tap water!) but hey sandwiches! 

Each of the five types of vegan sandwich options were superb, which is something I never thought I’d say. Like  Joey, I love sandwiches, but not like regular soft-bread sandwiches, what even are those? If we’re talking sandwiches, I’m talking loaded banh mis (banhs mi?), meatball subs, hoagies with all kinds of shit falling out of it, like legit sangwiches, with a g. Not simple sliced bread from a plastic bag at the supermarket with invisible fillings; that’s some minor league bullshit. But these little baby finger sandwiches were delicious, even without shit falling out of them like I like.

The five vegan options were:

1. olive tapenade and artichoke. I mean, amazing pair. I did not expect such an awesome option, I really just expected cucumber sandwiches. So this was such a great surprise and it was made perfectly.
2. tomato. I don’t really love raw tomatoes and yet this was wonderful, probably because it was salted the best amount and the tomatoes were really good. It was such a pleasant lil sang.
3. the classic cucumber and margarine. Man, I didn’t know adding margarine could elevate the simplest thing to being amazing, like what on earth this had no business being so good it was cucumber and MARGARINE and yet it was perfection??
4. red pepper and hummus. As you probably know I really don’t like red pepper, but hummus is my #1 food on earth, so this pairing was tearing me apart Lisa! But putting aside my personal preferences, it is a really smart pairing, and the peppers were cooked (so, soft and not crunchy/raw) and it was pretty great. (I only had one though.)
5. avocado. Probably my favorite, the sandwich version of avocado toast (lolz) with the best ingredient ever (avocado) plus the second best (salt). SO GOOD.

We were unsure whether the ticket price included endless rounds of anything, but they brought us an extra layer of sandwiches even before we could ask! And then we were too full to bother asking for more/being wasteful gluttons so we called it. But I am pretty sure you can ask for more of anything you want. 

Next up to bat, the scones! We were so dang excited that they had vegan scones to begin with, so we weren’t too sad that they didn’t have vegan clotted cream to go with them. Honestly, I don’t really know what clotted cream is so I’m not too distraught over not having a vegan version yet. Eating them with margarine and strawberry jam seemed great anyway. The scones were a little tough but still good. Yay scones! 

We had two scones each and we were hurting. It didn’t seem like a lot of food but I guess when you are drinking all that tea you get full! Oh yeah we ordered tea, but that’s the least important aspect of A Tea. (I had a floral one? and friend had a Chinese one? who cares about the tea?)

Okay, next came the desserts. Looking around the room, everyone else had their top tier full of macarons (the fancy French meringue-y little circle sandwich looking jawns (is that the best definition anyone has ever given), not macaroons, which are the coconut balls popular for Passover). Now, some of you might be sad at not getting macarons, but honestly, despite how gorgeous they are, they leave me cold. They require sooo much effort to make (anyone experimenting over on the Aquafaba Experiments facebook group can tell you that) and they taste like sort of sweet cardboard. And the consistency hurts my teeth and my brain, yeesh. So I was pretty fine with not getting macarons like the rest of the room. But more importantly — I think the vegan dessert options were better than the regular! So everyone else had macarons and like a boring looking tart or whatever. We had shiny little chocolate fudge concoctions that were literally among the best desserts ever. The regular menu doesn’t include chocolate anything! Vegan version for the win.

The shiny chocolate half moon was the richest, densest fudge, and a superthick layer of it to boot. That would have been enough to send me over the moon, but inside the chocolate part was a sort of banana pudding. It was AMAZ. Seriously I don’t understand why this isn’t just on their regular menu. Nothing in that room was better than it! 

Well, except maybe the banana walnut cake. 

When we started onto the desserts, another waiter asked us how everything was and we were like damn, this chocolate masterpiece is a masterpiece. And HE said, ‘oh it’s fine but the banana walnut is my favorite’ and we were like ‘whoooo on earth likes a banana bread jawn more than anything chocolate, especially THIS chocolate?’ But honestly, it was probably the best banana bread/cake I’ve ever had. That guy was right. It was absolutely amazing. Okay get ready becaues I’m going to use the word everyone hates, but I have never had a cake that was as moist as this banana bread. And – confession – I didn’t eat it at the table because I got too full. I took it home and had it the next day. And it was still the moistest (sorry) and super delicious, man alive. 

Then a waiter started going around the room with the dessert cart, which is full of even more options that the regular menu people could choose from. We said to each other ‘oh well, I guess that’s kind of disappointing that we can’t do the super-extra-gluttonous part of picking even more dessert from the extravagant cart, but we’re kind of full anyway’, but then the guy stopped and gave us each a piece of cake! He said this was the extra vegan addition, a pound cake sort of thing with raspberry. We so excited! 

It was a little bit dry, but still good, and hey we’re not looking an extra gift cake in the mouth. 

Overall, it was a wonderful experience. Even though there are several all-vegan teas being publicized around London, I would totally go back to the non-vegan Ritz – for a special occasion. And I wish I could order the chocolate and banana desserts for parties! It was so special to be able to enjoy this classic/stereotypical English experience. And now when people say ‘oh you live in London? Do you go to fancy  teas all the time and eat little sandwiches?’ I’m going to tip my enormous hat and say ‘You bet your bloomin’ ass I do!’ And so can you.

Hello friends!! Today we have a guest post! How exciting is that! Did you even know we could HAVE guest blogs on Laughfrodisiac? Because I didn’t! But I like this idea – I do very little work – so if you are interested in writing a guest piece, please email me at the link at the top right corner. I do still get to write the headlines as you can see. The W stands for WIN. Anyway, today’s amazing piece comes from Cara W., a dear friend of mine who is also the best short story writer you’ll probably ever read in your entire life, so I’m a little hesitant to post this because you’ll prob be like ‘damn she is much better she should take over the site.’ And no her real name is not Alice Munro but I can see why you’d think that! 

Cara brings us her own take on a cauliflower soup recipe. Her take means she removes the garlic and tries to make up for it in other ways. I KNOW! We are very different in that regard because as you know I have eaten 5 types of garlic in one dish. But this is nice for all of my vampire readers out there. I can’t believe that I haven’t posted a recipe of my own in over a year (!!) (too busy eating at amazing restaurants?) so thanks to Cara for easing us back into this section of the site! Obviously I do not have the self-restraint to let someone else talk without me interrupting (have you MET me) (could I BE any more interrupty?) so when you see bracketed comments in italics in the body below, that’sa me! Mario! It’ll look like this [it’s me! Mario!​]. ​So thank you Cara and, readers, enjoy! 

​So, I am not as amazing as our fearless vegan leader and blogger, Ms. Laughfrodisiac herself, [correct she is more amazing and is also the first person to spell the site name correctly wow​] and I’ve actually never been adamantly vegan or even casually vegetarian in my life. Instead, I do the far too common thing of over-analyzing calories and obsessing over sugars versus carbs versus proteins. I fall into diet fads and once even tried to straight green juice it for a month–CLEANSE ME YOU MAGICAL GREENERY!! (This is actually a really great story that ended pretty dramatically with emergency gallbladder removal, but I digress.) [holy crap, you need to tell us this story. Next guest post?! THE DANGERS OF DETOX BULLSHIT.] The point is, I admire our blogger’s fearless dedication to do no harm and to love all around her and am often quite jealous of her food voyages and the seriously wide variety of foods she gets to experiment with. Now that she lives across the proverbial pond, I guess I sort of felt like I should try to fill Southeastern Pennsylvania’s Veganess Void by attempting to prepare the following amazing recipe for Cauliflower Soup.

I know it sounds gross. Cauliflower seems to be a divisive vegetable; my sisters despise it while my mother and I devour it. So when this recipe popped up on my Pinterest home page (or whatever you kids call it, is it a dashboard?), I just had to try it.

​I am not historically well-known for my cooking skills. In fact, until a few years ago, I despised cooking. Everything about it grossed me out and made me nervous. You mean *I* have to literally saute the onions and decide how much salt and pepper to add for spice?!?!? What happens when the onions turn black? I remember those mini-panic-attacks with fondness now. Starting in late April of 2014, after battling a nearly month long craving for buttercream frosting, I decided I’d research recipes for frosting and made some kick-tushy double chocolate cupcakes with buttercream frosting for a friend’s work gathering. They were the hit of the party and I basically started an obsession with cooking and baking from that moment on. 

​Cauliflower Soup really does a good service for the saying “Less is More” and also for the idea that you don’t actually need cream for a soup to taste bisque-y [lolol this is a treat for my PPKers out there. the filter will never die​]. It is FULL of flavor and also very comforting warmth for these 7 degree winter days. [WHY IS IT STILL SO COLD I AM SHIVERING CARA MAKE ME SOUP.]

Some Cara Thoughts on Carrots:
I despise carrots. I have no idea why, but starting maybe 5 years ago, I started to think that carrots taste like people. [ . . . ] I realize this makes little to no sense, and I’ve been laughed out of a number of cocktail party conversations by bringing this bizarre personal, uh, quirk to light, but hey, I swear to you: If people were a thing that people ate, I like, am 99.8907% certain the dish would be a little carrot-y tasting. I know it’s weird, but I tend to avoid carrots in all forms, and am particularly frightened of them in their cooked form, so uh, it’s weird that I decided to make this recipe, as there are cooked carrots. BONUS: you really can’t taste them.
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​Some Cara Thoughts on Garlic:
Call me Edward Cullen, but I actually hate garlic, too. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “Cara, how could you study abroad in Italy and hate garlic?” or the more common, “Cara, how can you possibly enjoy good food if you hate garlic?” but here’s my stock response: whatever you love about garlic, I guarantee I can create with a nice mix of sweet onions, shallots, and fresh spring onions. (Seriously guys, garlic is icky. It tastes like burnt. And it makes me breathe fire. Can’t we just move on from this? Call it a fad (of the past million centuries)? Bring on some more varieties of onions? Eh?) [BUT I LOVE FIREBREATHING​.]
​

​When I wanted to make this recipe, I asked my mom to grab some of the ingredients from the store. She didn’t. I found out why: my mom had read the recipe all the way through, and it requires a food processor. We do not have one of those new fangled machines, so Sheila, in all her wisdom, just didn’t buy any of the ingredients for the soup and also didn’t explain to me why. [LOL Sheila this is amazing.​] [Also I don’t have a food processor either! I make do with the good blender and with the little crappy 1/2 cup processor bowl that comes with the immersion blender.​]
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While at the store, I learned that coconut oil is very expensive [Indian grocery stores for the win!], and also that my locally owned grocery store (with a checkered past, one of its founders was murdered several years ago and the crime remains UNSOLVED, it’s like all we have for intrigue around these parts) sees it as reasonable to put coconut milk in like 102398098 different locations throughout the establishment. Which I guess is good for disorganized shoppers (like me) but also confusing for others, especially those who want to price compare because MAN is there a disparity between Goya’s coconut milk and the Thai label coconut milk. Sheesh. Marketing.

Inspired by ​http://shrinkingkitchen.com/creamy-cauliflower-soup/ 

Ingredients:

• ​1 large head of cauliflower
• 1 tablespoon coconut oil
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 2 large carrots, diced
• 1 tbsp of jarred SHALLOTS
• 1 bunch of diced spring onions
• 3 cups water
• 1 teaspoon sea salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 1/2 cup coconut milk (unsweetened)

Instructions: 

1. Wash and core the cauliflower. Although Cara did not core her cauliflower, because she had no idea what that meant. It did not affect the turnout.
2. Heat a large pot over medium-high heat and add the oil, then add the onions, carrots, and onion-y deliciousness that is standing in for garlic. Cook and stir with a wooden spoon about five minutes, until they’re soft and golden. I did not use a wooden spoon, and, still, the soup came out delicious. 
3. Add the cauliflower and cook until it starts to brown. Please note, seriously the cauliflower isn’t going to BROWN really, it’s cauliflower. Just don’t burn it. I trust you will know when it’s time to add the water. You’re not dumb. 
4. Add the water and bring to a boil. Then reduce to a simmer, and cover, and cook until the vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes.
5. Add in coconut milk, sea salt, and pepper.
6. Puree soup in a high speed blender or with an immersion blender. 

Despite the hilarious thirty minute attempt my sister and I had at reassembling an old food processor, neither she nor I could actually make it happen. We did try though. So instead I just poured the mixture into the blender, hit puree, and the rest is history. Everyone in my family adored this soup and right now I am craving more. No, seriously. I’m going to hit “send” and then heat up my leftover bowl. OMG THIS SOUP.
 
Yay Vegans. Yay soup. YAY! [yay!​]