Challenge Accepted: Marshmallow-less Rice Krispie Treatsby Randi / October 25, 2013
We all know how much I adore Monica, yes? She gets angry in hilarious ways, she loves controlling everything, and she has really shiny hair. I aspire to be like her in most aspects. HOWEVER. Today we’re all about hating Monica. I KNOW!! Bitch needs a slap in the face for changing the food at Phoebe’s rehearsal dinner without the bride’s authorization. It’s worse than it sounds: In “The One With Phoebe’s Wedding”, Phoebe, the bride and a vegetarian, requests vegetarian potstickers be served so she has SOMETHING TO EAT AT HER OWN DINNER. But Monica in full-out bitchface mode commits an unforgivable sin:
Monica: (looking at Phoebe eating something) Pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it.
Phoebe: Oh! I though the potstickers were supposed to be vegetarian!
Monica: Yeah, I changed them. I sent you a fax about it!
Phoebe: I don’t have a fax machine.
Monica: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises!
F-ing A, Monica! I’m still livid on Phoebe’s behalf. EVERYTHING at a vegetarian’s wedding should be vegetarian! F*** the people who think otherwise. And DOUBLE F*** those people that we all know who don’t think they can go 4 hours without eating meat and think they are entitled to being fed meat at someone else’s wedding. F*** that noise. Obviously, I feel very strongly that if you have a certain way of eating, a party being thrown for you should cater 100% to your desires. It’s extra annoying because, for most restrictions, guests/relatives/strangers on the internet will agree with this…except for veganism. A person with celiac disease should have a gluten-free wedding cake, yes, they agree. A kosher couple should not be forced to wrap bacon around their cantaloupe or whatever people like to wrap bacon around, sure sure. Muslims should be able to have Halal-certified meat, of course (but don’t have meat, please). But when vegans try to have an all vegan wedding (or any event), cue the firestorm of negativity. It makes no sense. (But it is a very good way to weed out the people who you don’t want to waste your time playing with anymore.) Anyway, in honor of the 87 weddings I’ve gone to in the past 2 months, I am making Phoebe her vegetarian potstickers today. And they are going to kick Monica’s scrappy behind.
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VEGETARIAN POTSTICKERS
INGREDIENTS FOR DOUGH:
DIRECTIONS FOR DOUGH:
INGREDIENTS FOR FILLING:
DIRECTIONS FOR FILLING:
DIRECTIONS FOR ASSEMBLY:
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Mixing the dough with a chopstick like an Asian lady told me to 
This is the cabbage I used, obvs from Trader Joe’s 
Rolled out dough, ginger in background 
Cabbage filling 
Cooking in the oily water 
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These turned out really well! Yum! The bottoms did indeed stick to the pot, making the edges crispy but still chewy. With practice, I will hopefully be able to mold the dumplings into shapes that aren’t entirely awful. It’s hard! “I keep taking the test over and over again but I’m all, this is hard!”* So, make, enjoy, toast to Phoebe and her long-term vegetarianism (save while she was preggers), and flip Monica the bird! (But next time we’ll be back to worshiping her.)
*I know we have no current giveaway, but if anyone guesses the source of this, my favorite TV quote/scene ever, I’d be thrilled.
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Yummy Pasta Alert! Apple-Sage Sausage, Chard, & Cashew-Pistachio Cream
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I only made this because I like using hyphens. And because it’s uhhhmazing! This is rapidly becoming my favorite pasta dish. It’s really easy but it tastes like it’s difficult. You cook the best type of Field Roast sausage, the apple sage kind, with its perfectly paired green – rainbow swiss chard – and put it over fusilli. Then, you whip up this amazing creamy cheesy sauce in two seconds in your blender, and voila! Breakfast! No that’s from “Rookie of the Year”! I mean dinner! Or breakfast! Whatever you want dude!
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I like to pair this pasta with a simple green salad without dressing, because I’ll inevitably wipe up the remaining sauce with the leaves, as I do with any salad and any sauce. Also, I used quinoa-brown rice pasta (from Trader Joe’s) for this, so it can be easily made gluten-free. Of course, I’m not sure about any of the sauce ingredients being gluten-free. And, of courser, the Field Roast sausage is made of gluten, I’m pretty sure. But then even more of courser, most punks nowadays claiming they are gluten-free only mean they don’t want to eat pasta and bread because scary carbs/they don’t understand nutrition and people with real gluten allergies already know what they can and can’t eat so I don’t have to worry about it. So!
Gluten-Free (or Not! Probably Not!) Pasta with Apple-Sage Sausage, Swiss Chard, & Cashew-Pistachio Cream
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The foods
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Cream sauce
Directions:
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 Party girls don’t get hurt  Can’t feel anything, when will I learn  I push it down, push it downnnn  123 123 drink, throw em back till I lose count  IIIIII’M GONNA SWIIIIIIING FROM THE CHANDELIEEEERRRR  FROM THE CHANDELIEEEEEERRRR |
Yuuummm! You should eat with a fork because it is pasta (and maybe salad). I used a spoon because I don’t like dirtying extra things. Also I usually just use my fingers. And my face.
I really loved the fresh parsley as an addition to an otherwise heavy cream. You can use this sauce in so many ways: over tofu or tempeh, in mashed potatoes (ERMA P. GERD), over pretty much anything you want except ice cream. I hope you enjoy!
I’M GONNA FLYYYY LIKE A BIRD THROUGH THE NIGHT
Persepolis: Christmas Feast at London’s Best Restaurant
When I say Persepolis, you say…! If anything comes to your mind along the lines of an ancient city or a graphic novel or a movie about a graphic novel before you think ‘tiny magical resto-shoppe in Peckham’, then you are doing life wrong. Unless you wrote/drew that graphic novel or got a doctorate about that ancient city, then you get a pass. But for the rest of you diddadoofs, it’s the best restaurant in all of England, probably all of Europe if I may say so myself and if I may still consider England a part of Europe because I refuse to acknowledge that the entire world is falling to pieces. But food! Delicious, amazing, Iranian vegan food!
Almost exactly one year ago, I had one of the best meals of my entire life at Persepolis. You can read about it here and you should because I was funny. Every year since at least last year, Persepolis does a big Christmas feast for $30 (do I have to repeat again that when talking about stuff in the UK I mean for that $ to mean pound-dollars so please just read all $ as pound signs I don’t have the timeeee to figure out a workable alternative that fits my vision), and as you’ll see (or as you’ve seen) the food you get is worth so much more than that, both in terms of quality and quantity. It’s the best deal and the best food. Now, last year’s Chrimble feast was top 3 best meals ever, I think, for me. It set a standard that would be nigh impossible to ever match, and subsequently, this year’s was not as magnificent. As a feast, it wasn’t as well structured or cohesive as before, but the dishes were all still great. The famed chef, Sally (whose new cookbook named Persepolis should already be in your possession), told us at the start that she was forgoing the advertised feast menu (which is really just a ‘suggestion’ for her) and making us whatever came to her mind. This is the best way to have her cook for you, but the drawbacks of this method, which were inevitably going to expose themselves eventually, did indeed expose themselves. I made you think of something dirty didn’t I. Everything was very good, but as a meal it was a little disjointed. Nothing really felt like a main course. Luckily, it was a much more reasonable amount of food than last year, and we were joyous throughout instead of sobbing in first-world-problem pain.
As is custom, we started with Mr Shopkeeper’s (as Sally calls her husband) famous pomegranate-prosecco cocktail, which even I will admit is among the least disgusting alcohol mixtures I’ve ever tasted. I managed to catch all the pomegranate beads (that’s what they’re called) in only 2 sips before I gave the rest to the drinkers to finish! Success! Then, we enjoyed the Christmas crackers strewn about the table and pulled the strange little explosive paper toys with glee. This is a thing here. You pull on it like a wishbone, although it’s much less cruel. Instead of a wish which any idiot gets on their birthday anyway, whoever takes away the bigger portion gets the hidden prize inside. As luck would have it, I won my round and was elated to find a useful tool inside instead of a shit plastic toy or some such nonsense. Prize pictured below.
YASS TWEEZERS SO USEFUL
I feel like this prize (nail clippers were also used as prizes) demonstrates the ethos of the owners pretty well.
After a bit of a wait, as is customary here because of the lack of a real kitchen (Sally makes everything on like a single burner and a tiny little counter), the fabulous starters arrived. The starter-type dishes at Persepolis are the constants, nothing very new here, but they are great. First we got a plate of makdous – pickled stuffed eggplant, with two types of olives and peter pipers joining it. Another plate was a pasta salad with beet and an amazing bean salad, all topped with lots of fresh herbs. Then a third plate was half ajvar – a Serbian red pepper puree – and half soy yogurt. Both condiments were very impressive, although they are just condiments and would have been better served with noncondiments. But we had lavash, so all is well!
Next up was the best part of the meal, the famous fried ball plate. Or really the kibbeh and falafel plate but it was three types of fried-ball-change and it was amazing as usual. The homemade falafel, sweet potato patties, and the walnut kibbeh (the best) were all in fine form, but what sent it over the edge was the 3 sauces served with it. One was a fattet tahini sauce (that’s what it’s called I’m told I’m not being rude) that I would put on everything ever, better than the tahini sauces I make (almost every single day). Next was a garlic yogurt sauce that worked really well with the fryness. And last was a Persian curry, bright and a little sour and super effective at cutting the heaviness of the balls. I especially enjoyed using all three sauces at once though I fear admitting this will get me barred from returning.
The appetizer/main hybrid dishes started coming out next (could successfully argue either side), starting with stuffed tomatoes. Sally came out to ask us if we’d had the Violife Mozzarella yet, because she loves it and used it in the tomatoes. A mixture of spices, rice, and the mozzarella filled the tomatoes, and they were pretty good, although the tomato itself seemed unadorned and so tasted like hot tomato.
It kind of looks like ribs here ah
The next dish was one of my faves because it was the most innovative of the meal. This super soft, sort of charred eggplant was covered in a sticky chili cinnamon sauce and stuffed with dates and nuts and it was beyond. You didn’t need a knife for it. And some bites would be syruppy and kind of sweet and then the next would be super hot from the chili. Such a fun game! This reminded me the most of last year’s meal, and so made me a little sad that it was the only such reminder of the usual innovation. Persepolis is the one place where I actually enjoy dried fruit as part of savory dishes. Or dried fruit at all, really. What Sally does with dates is pure genius. I would never think to cook them with eggplant, or with tofu like in her famous tofu scramble. It’s so incredible and creative.
voila! breakfast!
The next two dishes, our main features, were both grain based, and so I think that’s the reason why I was less impressed overall because I prefer beany and veggie things over dishes that showcase grains. It was a lot of grain, like in the pyramids. They were both of course delicious though. First was almost like a breakfast muesli (as opposed to any other kind of muesli (well I guess here we have dinner muesli)), with pearly bulgur (or spelt, or really it could be any non-rice grain I’m not an expert), black dates, raisins (or sultanas, I guess), slivered almonds, and any other assortment of dried fruit and nuts along with edible flower petals. Sugar dates! Sugar dates and figs! Sugar dates and pistachios! A pot of yogurt in the center really solidified the breakfast vibe. It was super delicious, spicy and warm and cinnamony, but definitely more of a breakfast dish in my estimation, rather than the main event at a meal like this. Dates in my eggplant represent about the limit of my tolerance for sweet food masquerading as non-desserts.
The second half of the grain event (DO YOU GET IT) was a traditional Persian jeweled rice dish, which I was super happy to finally get to try. Flavorful rice was mixed with fresh herbs and pomegranate seeds, with another container of yogurt in the center. I must say, this meal featured more yogurt than John Stamos’s fridge. I’m not a yogurt fan, but it’s really good and useful to cut intense spices or heavy fried foods. A pleasant rice dish, not so much. But as a side dish, I would love it. I do love pomegranate seeds despite the morbid mythological connotations (same joke different year).
Sally came over when we finished these grains and asked how we were doing. She said if we were full, she would bring dessert next, or if we still wanted to try savory food, she’d bring that day’s hot pot for us to try. I was kinda upset that we hadn’t had any main event dishes, or beans. I need teh proteins. My companions all agreed to try the hot pot, and luckily it was a split pea carrot stew. It was decent, similar to the kind of soup I make weekly. It came with a little cucumber salad and – you guessed it! – more rice and yogurt. I guess there was a theme! I’m glad we tried this extra dish, because as always we needed to build up our regular food foundation as much as possible to prepare for the onslaught of sugar that was to follow. Otherwise your body would splode from all the sugar. All the sugar. So much sugar.
So about that sugar! Sally’s dessert platters are among her most impressive skills. She always gives us way too much and we finish it anyway, and it’s always freaking amazing. Turkish delight, paklava, halvah, syruppy flaky pastries and nut-filled bars of unknown origin and name, it’s all wonderful and despite being so much and so sweet, even those of us with the smallest sweet tooth still eat it till it’s gone. This time, Sally also gave us little ice cream sundaes covered with bright pink sugary rose water to accompany the more solid sources of sugar. OH man! It was all soooo good. Oh and don’t forget the dates and the little cup of cotton candy! Man alive. Wilford Brimley is PISSED.
Just when we thought we were done and could start trying to breathe again, Sally came out with ANOTHER dessert platter. Luckily, it was mostly fruit, but still! I think I ate all the pomegranate and watermelon. In the center is a yogurty custard kind of thing that you eat with the pomegranate chili syrup to its left. That syrup was something else! Such an interesting and detailed flavor, reminding us of the chili sugar powder mix that would come with fresh fruit from stalls in Thailand. Oh man.
So dessert definitely stood out for me as the strongest part of the meal. Well aside from the kibbeh plate and all those glorious sauces. And the eggplant was so good. Well overall it was a great meal. I may have lots of quibbles about it not being as good as least year for my taste or as full o’ beans, but still, we’re still talking great food.
PERSEPOLIS, PECKHAM, LONDON
Water speed: In a shocking surprise twist, a new waitress brought us carafes of tap and kept em coming! What a delight.
Service: As I’ve said before, it’s a true slow food experience, much more so than those fakers up in California. But they are the nicest people and it’s always worth the wait. The new waitress means it is sometimes easier to flag down assistance, except of course when it’s crowded, which it often is.
Bathrooms: There is still one! The light cord is right in the doorway so it kind of kept getting caught in my hair so that was fun.
Food: So good. Nothing can top last year and the feast felt more like a lot of side dishes but still, delicious amazing side dishes.
Bonus: Pretty much endless dessert, and it’s all the best.
Water speed: In a shocking surprise twist, a new waitress brought us carafes of tap and kept em coming! What a delight.
Service: As I’ve said before, it’s a true slow food experience, much more so than those fakers up in California. But they are the nicest people and it’s always worth the wait. The new waitress means it is sometimes easier to flag down assistance, except of course when it’s crowded, which it often is.
Bathrooms: There is still one! The light cord is right in the doorway so it kind of kept getting caught in my hair so that was fun.
Food: So good. Nothing can top last year and the feast felt more like a lot of side dishes but still, delicious amazing side dishes.
Bonus: Pretty much endless dessert, and it’s all the best.
