Veganizing “Friends”: Monica’s Kiwi Lime Pie

*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it. 

   Recently, Husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary! Although the traditional gift is cotton, we decided we’d be okay with food instead. (We decided this last year too, and next year.) We quickly came up with The Clove Club after I was informed that eating tubs of soft serve from Yorica! probably isn’t a smart idea. Located in Shoreditch’s Town Hall, The Clove Club is only a few years old and a favorite of super hip people. To make sure people know how super hip it is and how special you have to be to get in, you don’t make a reservation per se; you buy tickets online to the ‘event’ of your dinner, well in advance. So we had tickets to the show a few weeks ago, on a Tuesday evening at 7ish, and it went past 11pm because it was a tasting menu at a Michelin-rated restaurant (one star) and that’s what they do that’s what they do.

   The Clove Club shares sample tasting menus on their website, and lists a vegetarian option, which is a great start considering none of these restaurants (except Alinea) ever use the v-word without prompting. The sample vegetarian menu is heavy on dairy and eggs, but they assured us that they could easily make a vegan menu of equal quality. WE’LL SEE. (No they did, it was great.) I have no f-ing clue how many courses this is going to be, because we ordered the extended menu (which you can see; I love the restaurants that give you your personal menu like you’re a goddamn king) but like all such places, they send out a number of ‘snacks’ first that they don’t include on the menu and I forget what anything is the second I’m done eating it. Oh well.

    When we arrived, various people led us to our little table in the little dining room, which was decorated simply. ​I didn’t notice any famies but then again I don’t know British celebrities at all. All the good ones go to American anyway amiright!! Our waitress was fantastic, and immediately confirmed that I was une vegan. I wish I remembered her name but all I remember is that she was from Sicily. She was seriously the best wait person I have encountered ever in this country. Give her a raise, Clove Club.
    Sicilia (I’m just gonna call her that) immediately asked if we wanted still or sparkling water, so, plus 1 on the water issue getting handled quickly! To that question, I usually respond ‘tap’ because they are always trying to trick you into buying a bottle when they ask that question. Angry face! No one should have to pay for water! Luckily, Husband answered before I had the chance to embarrass us with my answer, because fancy clean water was included in our already-paid bill. Phew! They probably would have asked me to leave. Husband likes sparkling water and I like still, so they brought us bottles of both and kept refilling them at a very impressive pace. Bravo! Finally! Sicilia also confirmed that Husband was doing a wine pairing while I was getting a soft pairing! I had completely forgotten about that! This is the first time I’ve ever heard a restaurant offering beverage pairings with each dish for anything other than alcohol, so this was so exciting.  Then she brought us cold towels like you might get on planes if you are a fancy person. I liked that they were chilled because it is summer (sort of), but I wonder if they give warm towels in the winter. That sounds like it would be nice.

   Okay so the food! We started quickly with a few tiny dishes, or snacks as they’re called, though I know from “Friends” that they should be called amuse bouches. Thanks television! First off was this freeze-dried yellow tomato ice crumble. I might be completely wrong. But this yellow stuff was definitely vegetable ice, and it was pretty goodl! It melted away sort of like a cross between sorbet and snow. Yeah it was very much like snow. It was really cool and refreshing. 

 The next bouche was a piece of fried onion skin, which sounds mean but it was decent. It tasted like a sophisticated onion ring without the stench of other Outback customers infiltrating it. I liked that it was something different and fun, although yeah it was a piece of ohneeon skin that they just chose not to throw away. Next was like a little sushi piece or wrap, with a thin crunchy vegetable ribbon rolled up with greens and a pate. I forget what the vegetable was; I want to say jicama because it looks like it but it wasn’t that. Whatever, it was a nice little veggie roll-up.

    The last of our little snacks was hot! This star-shaped veggie patty was deeeelicious! I could have eaten 100 of ’em! It had a very thin outer layer and was soft inside, like a fried jawn you’d keep in the freezer for children. As a childlike person, I really enjoyed it. And it was a fun shape! 
       We were brought a basket of bread by this point, with olive oil for me. Like other Michelin restaurants who give you bread, the olive oil was the best I’ve had in a long time, probably since the last such place. The bread was good but it was cold. Well not cold but room temperature, I guess. If it was slightly warm it would have been off the chiz.

      We’re on to the main event(s)! First up for me was a salt baked white beetroot, that they had grown in their special garden and sliced into thin ribbons. I’m loving all these ribbons, guys! I didn’t know you could make white beetroot; I thought the main identifying aspects of beets were that they were red and tasted like dirt. These were excellent though, and salt baking sounds like a great way to cook them. The white ribbons were mixed with hazelnuts and burnet, which I learned is a salad herb, and dressed up with little edible flowers. It was a truly beautiful dish, and a nice start to the main meal. My soft pairing here was so perfect for me it was like they researched me in advance – green juice! I forget the exact components but I think it had cucumber, parsley, and lemon. 

Next was a salad of bobby beans, which I never heard of before, but apparently they’re just green beans, which I don’t count as beans, actually; I count them as vegetables. Regardless, this was the only sign of bean/protein in the entire meal, which is expected at nonvegan restaurants like this but disappointing. Definitely something these restaurants have in common and all need to work on. Anyway though, this was a very good little salad, with the green beans mixed with incredibly fresh and delicious peach, almond pieces, and something called manjimup truffle. The only manjimup I found while googling is a place is Australia, so I guess it’s a fancy way of saying imported truffle? I f-ing love truffles. Pour truffle oil on all of my food. I like it less so when it’s just sliced raw pieces because their immense flavor doesn’t fully come out that way, but even so I feel like Cathy Z. Jones when I am served it, so yeah still good. Ooh my soft pairing here was a cold Earl Grey tea with lavender, I think. Really good! 

As a little interlude in the meal, we were served a summer herb broth that was a million times more incredible than it should have been. This liquid was denser, flavor-wise, than anything I can remember ever eating, and each sip was like an enormous garden boiled down to a teaspoon. It really was great. I’m like the vegan version right now of what I imagine people who rave over bone broth are, except not a damn idiot.

The first course in Act II I think is my favorite, just because while being delicious it was also fun and kind of hilarious. The Scottish girolles, Michelin restaurants’ favorite mushroom, were grilled wonderfully and served with kale and sweetcorn. Then it was all topped with CORN HAIR! I find this so darn funny! I ate the corn hair, naturally, and it was pretty good so I do think I was supposed to eat it. Every component of this dish was great: kale is always welcome on my plate; the sweet corn tasted like perfect creamed corn down south; and the girolles were lovely. Yay fun great dish! Oh, you can sort of see in the background a little cup of red? That was my soft pairing, and while I couldn’t finish it, it was the most perfect pairing – red pepper and gochujang juice! Unlike my experience at the Just V Fest, this wasn’t just pure (chili) pepper; it was tempered with other fruits and vegetables, but it was pretty powerful and really just awesome, especially with the gochujang. I can’t do a lot of red pepper though before I start feeling sick, so the last sips went to Husband, who really enjoyed it. I just love this pairing idea because red pepper goes so well with corn! And corn hair! 

       One of the few times our courses resembled each other’s happened next, with the consomme. Mine was mushroom, and between this and the summer herb broth, I’m pretty sure The Clove Club has the best broths in the entire world. Such good liquids! And you know I love liquid! What put it over the top, though, was how it was served. The alcohol guy came over, not the waiters, with our soups and a bottle of 100-year-old Madeira. A small amount of the Madeira was poured into a big glass, and then swished around so it coated the glass, and then we were instructed to drink the bit that was left before the consomme was poured in. That way, we had the Madeira taste in our mouths and it was coating the glass, so it augmented the flavors of the consomme, which was amazing, deep and mushroomy. I don’t like alcohol but this was a really cool way to jazz up consomme while also making the diner feel super g-d special! I mean hell it was A HUNDRED YEARS OLD and the little amount they gave me probably cost like $200 or something crazy. Fire that son of a bitch up and throw it at my head! 

My last savory course was this great pile of oat groat risotto with courgette (zucchini) and sunflower seeds. I knowwww you’re thinking, omg another dish of hot wet rice (risotto) at a fancy pants restaurant? I know because I thought it too, and always do when I’m presented with hot wet rice, the vegan standard dish all over the world. Le sigh. But this was great! The oat groats made for a nice creative change and helped to earthify the zucchini from being too light and sweet. The courgette flowers fried on top were a nice touch. The only problem was that half the zucchini was cut into thick slabs, which is gross, and thus undercooked. And that one with the little stalk-end still on it should have been cut off. That piece was really undercooked too, which was upsetting. But aside from the too-thick zucchini pieces (just ribbon it, always! otherwise it’s just plain warm zucchini which is usually not tasty), this was a nice dish and I really liked the main groat part.

      Next came dessert! Unfortunately, dessert did not meet the higher standards set by the dinner part. What are the two things I always complain about being served for dessert as a vegan? Fruit sorbet, and fruit. And those were the two dessert courses here, sadly. They were still really good and impressive for what they are, but I just can’t help being  the tiniest bit disappointed that, in essence, these two very basic things are the best this outstanding restaurant (and virtually all others) can come up with. You should be able to think of something more creative! I understand that the fact that they accommodated me at all is something, and that they can’t think of so many spectacular alternatives when they’re focusing on the main menu offerings, but still I have hope.

At least the sorbet wasn’t lemon or something. It was apricot, and it really was delectable, for sorbet. Served with toasted almonds, a few mint leaves, and more edible flowers, it was beautiful looking and tasting. It was creamier than most sorbets are, so that is good. Okay, this one gets a pass! It really was good.
      The second dessert was a lemongrass and berry jelly, which was fine but not worthy of ending the meal. A little too boring, a little too it’s-just-berries-and-jelly. Of course by this point I was seriously full anyway, so whatever. 

My last soft pairing was disappointing too. It was an elderflower juice, which normally I love, but it was just too f-ing sweet, cloying really. The rest of the soft pairings were absolutely killer so an off one had to happen, I guess. It’s just too bad it happened at the end. The berries were good, I’ll give them that! However, that little tart thing was for Husband, and I was told that because I don’t get one of those, I was given an extra strawberry piece. UM. That’s pretty lame. Like…that takes balls to offer as a substitute. 

    Aside from the final course and a few complaints here and there, this dinner really was impressive. All the savory dishes and snacks were delicious and interesting, as was the sorbet, though I hate to admit it. What really saved it after the disappointing finale was that they brought two house-made chocolate bars over for us to take home – and one was actually vegan! Similar places never have vegan chocolate! Huzzah! Totally saved. It was dark chocolate with coffee and biscuits, and I don’t like coffee but couldn’t taste it at all. I think it just enhanced the chocolate flavor. So nice!

   Our lovely waitress brought over this little token at the end too, how cute!! She really was the best! 

THE CLOVE CLUB, SHOREDITCH, LONDON, UK, EUROPE FOR NOW
Water speed: Amazing!! Great job! And it wasn’t tap but it was included dance dance dance! (I’m very cheap.)
Service: Absolutely wonderful. The best waitress in London by far! 
Bathrooms: The bathrooms are downstairs, dark and reminiscent of like a brothel in 1800’s New Orleans. You know what I mean? The lighting was dim, the colors were dark reds and browns, and random cosmetics were scattered on display. A very strange mood going on but it was nice and clean, so whatever! Also I liked that the stall was separated from the sink area, despite being a single serve bathroom. People don’t have to wait outside that way, avoiding the awkwardness that comes from that. Oh the toilet seat was hysterically big and weird! That’s enough.
Food: A wonderful meal overall, with only very few missteps. As with all similar fancy but nonveg restaurants, they really could do to up the protein quotient of the vegan menu. They focus on doing vegetables and doing them very well, and I’m not saying add tofu or seitan or something when they don’t use it for the main diners, but add a bean here or there, ya know? And dessert, at least the final one, really could use some work. Other than that, it was splendid. 
Bonus: The restaurant has a great atmosphere and makes you feel so special being there! Be cool like hip Shoreditch people! It was the perfect place to celebrate a special occasion. Oh and the biggest bonus – SOFT PAIRING!!!!