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Veganizing “Friends”: Joey’s (AND ONLY JOEY’S) Fried Clams

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     As we’ve studied the eating habits of the Friends over the past few weeks, what is the most important lesson we’ve learned? JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD. Correct! In “The One With The Birth Mother”, in one of my favorite Joey storylines, he dates a woman (Annie Parisse) who does silly things like order plain salads but mooch off of Joey’s dinner. I agree with Joey on this one: Order the food you want to eat! (As long as it’s vegan, obvs.) Anyway, Annie (let’s just call her Annie) doesn’t really understand that it’s weird to take food off of someone else’s plate, at least without asking first. The conflict comes to a hilarious climax with Joey’s seafood platter dinner. He thinks he’s successfully distracted her with extra fries (which he is willing to share), but no such luck:

HAHA Joey at the end of the above video is MY FAVORITE EVER. Anyway! So, as you heard, the following conversation occurred: 

Annie: (looks over at Joey’s platter) Oh wow, are those stuffed clams?

Joey: Uhhh.. yes, they are my stuffed clams.


Now, you’re probably thinking, “Hold on, woman. It says ‘stuffed clams’, not ‘fried clams.'” A few points:

  1. See his seafood platter plate, with all those little fried somethings? They look clam-sized, not shrimp-sized. (I know you see the actual stuffed clam in the shell later, but he could have had clams a few ways!)
  2. What do you think Joey would like better, something stuffed, or something fried? Correct.

So, we’re going to make fried clams. Much better idea, right? Who has food-grade seashells lying around? 

PictureNori is not the best idea here

      I generally used the homemade seitan recipe from The PPK blog, because it’s great. I ripped the seitan pieces into long strips, and boiled it in broth with seaweed and dill thrown in. I didn’t have any kombu, so I used nori in the broth. If you have kombu, use that, because the nori isn’t meant for boiling and it disintegrated. Messy seaweed. You can see in the picture, it gets kind of weird. Kombu would impart a stronger flavor anyway. After the strips boiled, I breaded them and baked them. Let’s see!

FIRST, MAKE SEITAN
INGREDIENTS:

  • 1C vital wheat gluten
  • 1/4C nooch
  • 1/2C cold water
  • 1/4C soy sauce
  • juice from half a lemon
  • 1T olive oil
  • 1 clove garlic
  • 1t salt
DIRECTIONS: 

  1. Boil a pot of water and drop in some kombu
  2. Mix the dry ingredients in a big mixing bowl
  3. Mix the liquid ingredients separately
  4. Mix them together and form a ball
  5. Knead the ball for a few minutes until it is less sticky and more bread dough-y
  6. Rip seitan into strips and drop them into the boiling water
  7. Cover but leave the lid askew
  8. Lower heat to a simmer, and cook for 45 minutes, then turn off heat and let sit for 20

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How weird does this look with the disintegrating nori! Don’t do it!
THEN, BREAD THE STRIPS
INGREDIENTS:

  • 1C cornmeal
  • 4T cornstarch
  • 2t ground flax seed
  • 2t salt
  • 1t nooch
  • 1C unsweetened almond milk
  • 1T apple cider vinegar
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Coated strips, ready for cooking
      These turned out really well! They might not be salty enough for you, but that’s what sauces are for. You can make a vegan tartar sauce by blending vegan mayo, mustard, pickle relish, and capers, or you can just use ketchup. Really, any kind of sauce works here. An amazing thing I might do tomorrow with the leftovers is to mix vegan mayo with sriracha and a drop of Frank’s for a crazy spicy orange mayo like the type that comes with sushi rolls. 
DIRECTIONS:

  1. Mix the milk and ACV in a measuring cup; set aside 
  2. Mix remaining ingredients in a mixing bowl
  3. Dip each seitan strip in the milk and then in the cornmeal mixtures. Make sure each is well coated and place on a baking sheet covered with parchment
  4. Now, you can bake for 25 minutes in a 400° oven as I did, or you can fry them. I would recommend frying, but I don’t have a fryer or the mental capacity to safely deal with boiling oil. 
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It makes a lot! Dayum!
      Now, with your sauces ready, your strips crunchy and baked (or fried if you are awesome), you can enjoy them on a plate, as Joey did in this episode. ORRR, you can honor Mr. Joseph Francis Tribbiani even more, and make a sandwich! Because what is Joey’s favorite food? Say it with me: Sandwiches!!!
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It’s aliiiiive!
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Not bad for my first try
    In sandwich form, I’d definitely recommend tartar sauce and whatever else fried-clams-on-rolls are usually served with up in New England. So good! These were overall really easy to make, and they turned out well. You can play with the breading mixture and add spices as you desire, perhaps some cayenne pepper, curry powder, or, if you are like me, more nooch. Yum! And, let’s say it all together now:
Giveaway trivia!

  1. Joey’s favorite food is, of course, sandwiches. But what is his favorite kind of sandwich?
  2. In Monica and Chandler’s storyline, they meet a woman at the adoption center who likes them. What does this woman think M & C do for a living?
  3. Extra credit: What Pulitzer-prize winning show featured a fantastic Annie Parisse?
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