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Veganizing “Friends”: Dr. Roger’s Oysters & Middle Eastern Couscous

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PictureThis is how I feel about mushrooms. Also, blog namesake!

    Given the name of this website, I can’t believe it has taken me this long to make an actual aphrodisiac! Or, at least a vegan version of one. Especially when my font of wisdom, “Friends”, featured the following exchange, in the classic, hilarious episode “The One That Could Have Been”, between Monica and her alternate-reality-insanely-boring boyfriend-who-talks-about-hazelnuts-not-really-being-nuts*, Dr. Roger: 

Monica: I hope you’re hungry. We’re starting with oysters. And y’know what they say about oysters, don’t you?

Dr. Roger: They have parasites?

Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that oysters are an aphrodisiac.

Dr. Roger: What people?

Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)

Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?

Monica: And then we’re gonna have a little Middle Eastern couscous. Something we can eat…with our hands.

Dr. Roger: Y’know, it’s funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases…

Monica: No-no-no, no! It’s sensual!

Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn’t know! Okay!


     Yeah! We’re going to make oysters (the mushroom kind!) and Middle Eastern couscous! And we’re going to eat with our hands…maybe. Nah, probably not.
      So, in case you haven’t seen it, “The One That Could Have Been” shows what the gang might be like if Ross and Carol were still married, if Monica were still fat, if Chandler had had the nerve to quit his job*, if Phoebe had taken the job at Merrill Lynch, if Rachel had married Barry, and if Joey never got fired from ‘Days of Our Lives’*. It’s absolutely hysterical, but also sweet because (spoiler!) they all end up roughly the same as they are in reality. Aw, fate. 
      Anyway, Monica is dating Dr. Roger, and she’s wondering whether she “should, ya know, give him [her] flower.” She makes him this dinner of oysters and couscous in a failed attempt to seduce him. Luckily, Chandler saves the day. Could Chandler BE any greater in this episode? (“They didn’t add the second ‘cous’ until 1979.”)
      Because we are talking about “The One That Could Have Been”, I have all the motivation I need to share one of my all-time favorite “Friends” moments, which happened to occur during this episode. It’s Fat Monica’s epic, and I mean EPIC, Dance with the Donut.  
     I really cannot handle how perfect Courteney Cox is in this scene, and as Fat Monica in general. She makes the best faces, and I love when her voice gets squeaky, like when she hilarious yells “I KNOW!” And although when faced with all other supposed humor based on mocking someone’s size, I vehemently oppose the fat-shaming or sizeist attitudes at play, something about Fat Monica makes me lose track of my moral compass and just laugh. I’m a terrible person. Let’s make some food. 
     First, we will marinate and then saute the oyster mushrooms. While I like the flavor imparted by baking mushrooms, oysters cook fairly quickly, and you don’t want them to get rubbery, so we’re going to saute today. Then, we will make my take on a somewhat Middle Eastern couscous. Most such recipes will have dried fruit, but I despise dried fruit in savory food. (Actually, just in food period, because what sweet dishes have dried fruit, fruitcake? Gross.) 
SAUTEED OYSTER MUSHROOMS
Ingredients

  • 1 pint raw oyster mushrooms, cleaned (or whatever mushrooms you have)

For the marinade:

  • 1/3C olive oil
  • 1/3C water
  • 1T balsamic vinegar
  • 1t dried basil
  • 1t dried oregano
  • salt and pepper, probably 1t each
  • juice from half a lemon
Picture

The mushrooms marinating. Yeah, I couldn’t find plain oysters so I have a mix here
Directions:

  1. Clean the mushrooms. Everyone says you aren’t supposed to wash mushrooms but instead clean them with a towel. I’ve never followed this advice, but far be it from me to stop you
  2. Mix the marinade ingredients together in a flat dish
  3. Marinate the mushrooms for 30 minutes
  4. Then, transfer mushrooms and some marinade to a saute pan and cook over medium-to-low heat for 3-4 minutes. They should lose a lot of water. Once they have sweated, cook for another 2-3 minutes on medium heat.
MIDDLE EASTERN COUSCOUS
Ingredients:

  • 1C dried couscous
  • 1 1/2C water
  • 1 onion, diced small
  • 3 cloves minced garlic
  • 1/2t paprika
  • 1/2t smoked paprika
  • 1/2t ground cumin
  • 1/2t ground coriander
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 1/2C diced carrots
  • 1/2C diced yellow squash
  • 1/4C slivered almonds
  • 1/4C chopped black olives
  • 2T vegan butter
  • handful parsley
Picture

The carrots, squash, and almonds cooking
Directions:

  1. Saute the onion and garlic in a bit of olive oil for about 5 minutes over medium high heat
  2. Add the dried spices and bay leaf
  3. Add the couscous and water, and bring to a boil, then cover and simmer until couscous is cooked through, about 15-20 minutes
  4. Meanwhile: in a small saucepan, saute the carrots and squash in a drop of olive oil until slightly browned. Add the almonds and olives about halfway through. I like to burn the almonds a little. 
  5. Add the vegan butter and the contents of the small saucepan to the couscous
  6. Top the couscous with parsley, and remove the bay leaf
  7. Ta daaa!
Picture

Finished couscous
      This was pretty darn yummy! I hope it turns out well for you if you decide to make it. And remember, if you are ever in a bad mood, just watch Monica dancing again. 
Giveaway trivia:

  1. “The hazelnut’s actually not a nut, it’s a seed. Can anyone name a well-known seed that’s been masquerading around as a nut?”
  2. What did Rachel say was Chandler’s job during the epic trivia game? 
  3. Why DID Joey get fired from ‘DOOL’?
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