Vedge Restaurant, Philadelphia: The World’s Greatest

September 4, 2013

Vegan Guide to Michelin Restaurants: De Librije in Zwolle, Holland

March 6, 2016

*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it.

Recently, we took a 45-minute flight to Amsterdam, city of canals and bicycles. But instead of exploring that beautiful city, we took an hour-long train to the tiny town of Zwolle, which is home to adorable little hotels and not much more. Why did we go to this rando Nethertown in the middle of Netherwhere? Because Zwolle (not to be confused with swoll, the cool kids’ new word for…swollen? cool kids are weird) is also home to De Librije, a 3-Michelin star (3***!!!) restaurant and hotel. And because my life is dope and I do dope shit (only time I will quote Yeezy).

Being awarded 3 Michelin stars is the highest achievement a restaurant can get, well besides being an actual financial success where people like to eat. The only other 3-star restaurant I’ve been to is Alinea, which was the greatest meal imaginable on this or any planet. So De Librije had a lot to prove, because Michelin stars take into account not only the food but the service, the presentation, and a host of intangibles. While the experience was great, and the presentation was superb, neither the food nor the service seemed worthy of 3 stars, especially compared with wonderful 1* and 2** places we’ve been. The food was fine, the service was pretty bad, but the presentation was a red 100 emoji.

What do you have to say, little Sunday cartoons? Are you for trading?

Before we get started with the food, I have to warn you that I don’t have full knowledge of what all the dishes in these pictures contained. Reasons: 1) The waiters weren’t great at speaking English and we were not great at adding lots of vowels to our words to fake being Dutch. 2) Usually diners are given copies of their menus at the end of their meal, but we were given these little cards with cartoons that were indecipherable. When we emailed the restaurant, asking for a more comprehensible menu, they very kindly emailed back a list of what these cards said. Bahaha. One just says “land & sea”. That’s all we got for an entire course. So funny. So unhelpful. Also, the cards for me (I was the only vegan), as well as the emailed menu, had a lot of dairy products listed. When I asked the restaurant in that same email what was up with that, they assured me that the list was a mistake and that all my dishes were of course vegan. While I of course hope that a restaurant of this caliber would know what vegan means, I’m still the tiniest bit skeptical now; wouldn’t you be?

De Librije dining room

But anyway, let’s look at pretty pictures of food! Or, wait, this is me – I guess I mean pictures of pretty food! As is expected at places like this, we were given several off-menu plates before the actual courses began. Here, we had a crispy mushroom puff with regular mushroom, greenery, and some kind of cream that I hope wasn’t cream. It was a really good first bite! It’s on a bed of fried bits. No, not joking, like fried bits like when you fry stuff and all the bits are left in the pan? I don’t know man. I ate them. I wasn’t supposed to.

Next, we had what I’m going to guess were lentil crackers with dilly cream (please don’t say crema unless the rest of your words are Italian or Spanish too, such a weird thing to do. Also don’t say ‘with au jus’) and this is one of the things I am iffy about because there are four, which means we all ate the same thing, which seems wrong. Husband seems to recall that the waiter pointed out which one was for me, maybe the one without the peanut that’s not a peanut? I’m not sure but I hope he is right!

Next was a pile of rocks with seaweed hidden all around them! There was also a very good beet chip with assorted unknown sauces and vegetable pieces, but the seaweed was really the main draw for me. I don’t think we were supposed to eat it, but I like to break rules. I’m a rule breaker. I also ate all the seaweed from the others’ plates. They were like what is wrong with this person. Seaweed is really good.

After the plate of rocks came a bowl of baby onions. Cipollini oh nee ons! Who was that guy on that show that said that beautifully? I forget. Anyway, this was like a little birds nest of shaved onions, carrots, beets maybe, all fried together with the tiniest greens on top. Very nice! It came with a banana chip – I got several of these, I’m not sure if they ran out of ideas, really liked this particular idea, or just gave me two of the same dish, but I won’t complain.

Atop another bed of bits I probably wasn’t supposed to eat but really liked, the banana chips were bent into a cool shape with greens and crunchy vegetables and something like baba ganoush in the middle. It probably wasn’t baba ganoush but I’m just saying it was something like it. Hollandaise version. How pretty does it look though? They were experts at presentation here; everything is beautiful.

Next was the funniest part of the meal. This waiter comes over and goes, “I’d like to prepare the next dish on your hands.” We’re like what. So we all warily put our hands out and got crap squeezed on it. This is the course I question the most, because we all got the same green cream squeezed on our hands, and the others’ menu says this was some kind of mayonnaise, which is the grossest foodstuff in the world. Boo urns. Aside from that, it was a cute concept that they nicely gave us wet towels for cleaning after, but still kinda whatever.

Look I got another banana chip dish! It’s a lot better than other banana chips I’ve had. I’ve never really been a fan of dried or chipified fruit but if you’re gonna have one, have it here. I think this one was on a bed of nuts, so I ate a lot of that too. The caviar is a garnish!

Oh then we got four rolls with certain kinds of butter they were really excited about (I got olive oil, thank you for remembering) and they were pretty decent rolls. But then we got entire little loaves of bread, seen at right, which we all way too quickly devoured, so quickly that the staff assumed we didn’t get the bread, so they swiftly brought out another, and then another. By the third loaf of bread, we figured that they all must have been laughing at us in the kitchen, like ‘look at these English speaking fools eating their weight in bread har har har!” so what who cares. Good bread.

Next, this simple but delicious bowl of Brussels sprouts (or as my phone likes to call them, Brussels sports) with microgreens and a great, mild sauce with a tiny bit of lemongrass, I think, was a lovely counterpoint to the four loaves of bread I had just eaten. It wasn’t spectacular, but it tasted good.

One of my favorites was this double-decker cabbage bowl, which had whiskers shooting out the top, beetroot in the middle, and some pomegranate seeds I think. The bottom of the bowl had a delicious puree and it was all very nice. The white stuff, I fear is creme fraiche because that’s what my ‘incorrect’ menu says, and I’m not sure what else it could be, but I’m hoping they had like some soy or cashew creams in the back maybe?

Ah, some deliciously salty greenery was up next. This was a very miso-like sauce with weeds growing out of it and I loved it. Nuts or beans on the bottom? This is getting kind of out of hand. We asked a few times what was happening on our plates but usually the person whose attention we managed to grab (more on that later) wouldn’t know or didn’t really speak English or maybe just pretended not to since we were the youngest patrons and they were probably offended by our presence?

Even more delicious were these tulip bulbs with black garlic puree and barbecued celeriac. Or at least that’s the menu item I’m guessing this is. No I really remember actually, I was eating this and it was soo good and I said, oh so this is what black garlic is. I don’t know if I’ve ever had it before, but I love it. It really is strikingly different from regular garlic. That puree is the stuff dreams are made of. This was probably the best savory dish.

This was great too! It was a cauliflower heart, heavy on the flower part I guess because the shape was much more beautiful than the regular old caulisflower one usually finds, topped with madras curry and currants. All the c words. Well not all. This was really good and I especially liked the fresh cucumber pieces that helped to cut the warmth of the curry. Have we noticed though, that almost every fancy restaurant that isn’t vegan will give me a cauliflower course?

The following course was very dessert-y, but it wasn’t at the dessert stage yet. I remember being like phew, we’re done with the savories, but then look what comes after this! Anyway, this was blackberry ice with ‘water mint’ and what looks like a micro-watermelon but I have no idea what it was, some kind of melon I guess. Very enjoyable.

See, next was another savory dish! My menu says this is ‘first milk chicory’ with spices but I highly doubt that. It was like a rice soup with shaved greens and spring onions. I really like soup so I really enjoyed this. That white blog I think was citrus ice. Wait that can’t be right. Unless it is. This place did play with what was dessert and what was dinner, so whatever, maybe it was both, I don’t know, it was good.

clipped wings I was a broken thing

had a voice had a voice but I could not sing

you would wind me down

I struggled on the ground

so lost the line had been crossed

had a voice had a voice but I could not talk

you held me down

I struggle to fly now

but there’s a scream inside that we all try to hide

we hold on so tight

we cannot deny eats us alive

oh it eats us alive

yes there’s a scream inside that we all try to hide

we hold on so tight but I don’t wanna die no

I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, yeahhh

and I don’t caaare if I sing off key

Before the rest of the desserts (or before the start of the desserts, who knows really) came out, the waiters asked us if we wanted tea or coffee. Listen up, people. If you are ever in a restaurant like this, with a seemingly never-ending tasting menu, you ALWAYS, ALWAYS order tea or coffee if they ask. Why? Because it sort of unlocks another level in the meal, as if you were in a culinary video game where you have to collect all these hidden light-up coins as points. When they bring your tea or coffee, they without fail bring other dishes that you wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. That might seem unfair to those of you who don’t drink tea or coffee, but think of how much better your teeth are. But now you know anyway to always say yes to it. We’ve gotten some awesome secret-tea-round desserts in the past, but this was probably my favorite one: The tea/coffee was ITSELF the secret dessert dish. Look at my mint tea up there! It was a play on mint tea, with fresh, light, delicious sorbet on an ice pack with a sugared mint leaf and something like a brown sugar fan on the side. It was on an ice pack full of what looked like mint tea, actually, and at one point I thought I was supposed to cut the pack with my knife and somehow drink the contents. It’s good that I don’t follow through on everything I think. The coffee was even more fun – the cappucino was cappucino ice cream with chocolate accoutrement and whipped cream and it all looked absolutely awesome. I guess the only downside is if you actually wanted plain old hot coffee or tea but I think they brought them later. Who remembers in the food haze.

I find myself in my melodies

I sing for love, I sing for me

The cutest part of the dinner was this little chocolate-topped toadstool looking thing. I mean speaking of video games, doesn’t it remind you of something out of one? Maybe Toadstool, could be. Anyway, here they brought me my own plate of the dark chocolates they said were vegan, and they were great. I don’t think I got all the flavors the others got, but still, I’m at a restaurant like this that isn’t Alinea and they have chocolate for me? Happy dance.

Oh yes, that is on yet another ice pack. They love using their ice packs instead of plates here. Pretty smart for ice cream though, I kind of love it.

The last part of this epic meal I wish came second to last. The chocolates would have been a lovely and appropriate ending. It just seems like a proper way to say goodbye, right? Chocolate is the right way to say anything! But I had something else coming – this curry sorbet. Yes, it’s curry flavored ice cream. Oh my goodness. It tasted pretty good, and 100 points for creativity and all, but still, it is curry ice cream. The fruit bits were nice. I liked very much that all my desserts weren’t repeated plates of fruit, as happens so frequently. I’m glad I got to try something so creative and unique but still, curry ice cream.

I shout it out like a bird set free

So, overall, it was a lovely dinner, visually. It had the best presentation and used the coolest dishes, in fact. The food had some wonderful points and was overall solid. However, it did not seem 3 Michelin stars-worthy. Normally I would attribute this to the vegan menu, to their being unused to accommodating vegans to their menu, but the three people I was with (who had their standard menu) agreed that it was not spectacular. Good, but not one of the best meals ever, which it should have been. The thing that stuck out the most, however, was how poor the service was. I always run out of water quickly, and although at places like this I expect attention to be paid, I still give a lot of leeway. But when everyone at my table was out of water, out of all drinks, and no one paid attention to us for a half hour or so? That’s not good. Throughout the night, I asked whoever I could grab for this or that (usually for water), and the person would always say, “oh okay I will grab your waiter” or sometimes “I will be right back with that.” They never did and never were. I really couldn’t believe that this was happening in such a place! It shouldn’t be! What were the stars based on? Oy. Still, I’m so glad we went. It was a beautiful place and a pretty special experience. We also stayed in their hotel and had an epic breakfast the next morning, which I will talk about next time.

DE LIBRIJE, ZWOLLE, NETHERLANDS
Water speed: See above. It was actually atrocious, to be honest. Embarrassing for a restaurant of this caliber, and inexcusable. SHAME! SHAME!
Service: Okay, shaky okay. They were nice enough when we could get them to pay attention to us, if uninformed about what the crap we were eating.
Bathrooms: The bathrooms were fine, modern, and clean, but the best part? Black toilet paper! So weird! I’ve never seen that before! I’m sharing a picture of it. Yes I took pictures in the toilet.
Food: Overall good, with some standouts. Some creative choices were weird, but I’d rather that then boring safe stuff, I think. Still, not 3 stars.
Bonus: Beautiful space in a lovely hotel. Check back tomorrow to see the rooms!

Almost Back to a Functioning Normal…But First a Word From Our Sponsors

November 28, 2016

(that’s me) (isn’t it great that there are no ads on here) (ads are the worst) (especially those vegan bloggers with ads that they don’t control and it’s like meat products every time you look) (or worse yet videos that start playback automatically) (I will never do that to you) (plz send money)

Hello out there! It has been months since I last blogged, I know. I haven’t gone this long without writing since Raul Esparza lost the Tony for “Company” (still not over it) (never forget). I’ve been stupid busy with work since I last dipped my toes into all the writing I have to do about my California trip. But more than that, I couldn’t mentally spend time writing about happy things during the final months of the election. I had to devote time to making calls for Hillz, arguing with internet trolls (I can’t not), and worrying about what would happen to the world if Toilet Emoji won. But I kept telling myself, on November 9, I’ll be able to finally breathe deep again and shake that weight off my shoulders like I’m TayTay at the discotheque, white-girl dancing away from h8ters.

But, alas, that deep breath never came, my shoulders are hunched protectively towards my ears more than ever, and the small pit in my stomach has become a John Hurt situation. Can we ever relax again? Not for the foreseeable future. I mean I hope you are able to, but I just don’t see it happening if you are fully aware of how destructive Toilet Emoji will be and has already been for our country. Also, not that I want you to be white-knuckling every daily activity from now on, but we can’t ‘relax’ in the sense of accepting any of this – we have to resist. I don’t mean break the law (let’s leave that for Toilet Emoji and his fellow toilet bowls) but we cannot normalize the Toilet administration of white supremacy and disregard for the Constitution and for democracy as anything less than the crazy authoritarian danger that it is. This is not partisan issue. Yeah I’m using a Hillary campaign image as the picture for this post but what the Toilet-Brush Elect is doing to our government should be of concern to all parties. If anyone refuses to be concerned, then they are equally to blame, whether Democrat, Republican, Green, Libertarian pothead, Socialist, whatever. This affects everyone.

As you thinking feeling humans know, the opposition to Toilet Emoji is not based in the ordinary ‘oh my party lost, darn’ style of disappointment. This is not disappointment. This is fear. If you don’t know why, you either live under a rock or only get your fake news from Fox News and Macedonian teenagers. The number and scope of hate crimes is increasing all over the world, not just in Klan strongholds but in progressive cities that we never thought could house such evil, but of course they can. So many despicable and, yes, deplorable people have had their most disgusting viewpoints validated, as TE’s win was indeed a victory for racists, misogynists, anti-semites, homophobes, and all around horrible people the world over, who now believe that their hate has been authorized by the highest office, that their viewpoints are now the law of the land, and that they have TE’s permission to act on their hate. People who doubt the veracity of these hate crime reports are not paying attention, or they don’t want to. The worst of humanity now feels legitimized, and they have the confidence to come out of hiding in every town and city. Of course not everyone who voted for TE is, say, a racist, but at the very least, at the very very least, they were okay with racism. With misogyny and sexual assault. At the very least they weighed the off-chance that they save a few dollars in taxes (why they think this will actually happen is beyond logical thinking humans) as more important than the civil rights, the human rights, of many others. At the very least they are selfish, and without logical reasoning skills. Good thing our education system will improve! Not!

So what do we do, we who care the slightest bit about our fellow humans, or animals, or other countries and the people in them, or the planet? We have to fight in whatever ways we can. Don’t buy piece of shit holiday presents that merely feed the consumerist hamster wheel that is destroying the environment with more plastic shit that destroys oceans. Donate that money to worthwhile organizations. Your relatives hate what you pick out anyway.

If you care about the future of the planet at all, you have to go vegan. You just have to aim for that. Everyone knows by now the incontrovertible fact that animal agriculture is the biggest culprit in climate change. Start by doing what you can, and then keep moving closer towards veganism. The incoming administration has no regard for the planet’s future – they don’t even believe in climate change – and many international environmental safeguards are in danger. Some days I think, you know what, maybe humanity deserves to only have another decade or two left. But it’s not up to me to say that, just like it’s not up to Toilet Emoji, so even though I’m appalled by my fellow humans, I’m still going to do everything I can to protect their future.

If you care about women, you need to speak up when you are in the presence of rape culture. Guess what, if you dare leave your home, you’re probably in the presence of rape culture. It’s so ingrained in our daily conversations and encounters that we don’t even realize that we can call these situations by this seemingly dramatic term. I know, like me, all the females out there are sick and tired of hearing that it’s our job to fight it. And I’m not going to tell you that it is. We can, and we should if we’re strong enough, but it’s high time all the men out there start taking care of this fight since they’re the ones responsible for the problem. I want every male person I know to fight against all the trappings of toxic masculinity and start defending women even when no women are present. Good men will take on this effort when it’s just them hanging with their boys, if Toilet Emoji’s wife was right and ‘locker room talk’ really does happen just anytime men are together. I don’t believe her, but I do believe it happens at least a good deal of the time. I expect any man who isn’t a misogynist to stand up to his friends or colleagues when this bullshit comes out of their mouths. Even if they’re ‘just’ talking about a woman’s body. Even if they are ‘just’ talking shit about women who are ‘unlikable’. This is your job now. Stand up and resist in even the smallest moments and it could help prevent the bigger ones.

If you care about other people, especially you fellow white people who say they care about nonwhite people, we need to really step up our game and prove that maybe we might one day deserve for someone to call us an ally. When you inevitably hear Toilet supporters in the wild harassing people of color, people with headscarves, women, &c, try not to look away or ignore what’s happening. If you feel safe doing so, speak up and tell the perpetrator that what they are doing or saying is not okay and will not be tolerated. It’s such a problem that these pieces of shit feel legitimized in their hateful acts. It’s up to us to inform them that they’re still pieces of shit by taking a stand against normalizing and accepting such actions. Tell the leaders of whatever religious group you belong to that they must instruct the congregation to stand with other religions, to stand with Muslims and Jews and everyone else who is now in danger or not. If a leader of a religious congregation is not willing to take such a stand of solidarity with other religions, then that person is not worthy of being such a leader. Write a letter to your local mosque and tell them that you welcome them into your community and will do what you can to support them. Pretty much every mosque in the USA is getting hate incredibly frightening hate mail on a daily basis; let your letter give them hope in humanity. I am inspired every day by the amazing people in Pantsuit Nation who share their stories of how they stood up to the bigotry they now witness in everyday life. I hope I can follow their lead, and I hope you can too.

If you care about the USA, whatever that means now and whatever it becomes, keep calling your representatives. This is a good place to start. Make 10 minutes worth of calls every day. If you can’t, make 5 minutes of them. One minute. They’re the people whose job it is to prevent the worst from happening. I don’t have high hopes, considering how eager the Republicans have been to kowtow to the Toilet and how eager the all-too-quiet Democrats have been to hold their hair back. But we can’t let them give up. Never get quiet. The same applies to journalists, those who are very much responsible for their share of the damage done by this election. Call out publications who refuse to say ‘white supremacist’ instead of the almost laughably kind ‘alt-right’. Write to the editors and say you will pull your subscription unless they start doing their job, which is to provide a factual check on government, not to appease our new Toilet overlord. Contact the advertisers for those publications and say you won’t support them unless they put pressure on the publication to do a better job. Write letters to editors about how they are failing us when we need them most. And most importantly, support the ones who are actually doing a good job, or at least a relatively good one. This kind of support means a paid subscription. We are at that point when we need to pay for decent journalism if we want decent journalism to exist. The Washington Post isn’t perfect, but it’s doing a much better job than every other main, including the NYTimes. NPR is always an okay bet. The Guardian is doing a decent job. Hold your newspapers accountable.

It really helps to have an action plan. Even if you are just making that one call a day, or even per week, or if you are boycotting certain companies and donating to charities. But we’re past the point where we can just do nothing and hope for the best. We’re all responsible now at this turning point in history. We may not be able to enjoy that deep sigh of relief for many years to come, but day by day I am getting better at breathing around the pit of despair in order to function, and fight, like how Leslie Odom Jr had to sing around the post-meal burp he always had in Act II. I hope that you are as well.

Having finally been able to say a few words, however rambling and stupid, about this utter tragedy, I will now try my best to resume my regular nonsensical but jovial blogging. My resistance will be equal parts fighting and trying to create light. Join me, won’t you?