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Mothers Day Feast: A Feast for Mothers

August 27, 2013
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     Holidays invented by the greeting card industry have annoying origin stories, true. But they are, with the exception of Valentines Day, great excuses to spend time with loved ones and eat good food. OK, Valentines Day is fine too. I love chocolate. 

     Mothers Day in particular is special for me, because I have the best mother in the world. Seriously, I know a lot of people say that, but it’s true in my case. (Actually, scratch that…I don’t know a lot of people who say that.)

     To celebrate my mother and the other mothers at our motherloving party, I cooked an epic vegan feast. One of my favorite things about family gatherings is that I can introduce free and delicious vegan food to my very suspicious relatives. There’s nothing more rewarding to a vegan cook than to have a staunchly carnivorous grandfather not only eat your food, but enjoy it.  
READ IT ALL! 

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Rosewater Baklava Hamantaschen for Purim: Helping Purim Beat Halloween From Here On Out

March 13, 2014
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PictureThe hamantasch uncooked; see below for cooked

I don’t even know guys. This might be the best thing ever. A random and fortuitous amalgam of happenings brought forth this little miracle unto our lives. Such happenings include: Purim being this weekend; my having recently acquired rosewater; my dislike of Halloween; my pint of poppy seeds, intended for my hamantaschen filling, having gone rancid. So lucky! Such fortuitous. 

       So, yeah, almost Purim! Purim is to Halloween what Hannukah is to Christmas. They aren’t reeeeally substitutes, but they get passed off to impressionable, sad children as replacements. (Jews don’t like Halloween ostensibly because it’s super pagan (no worship of idols!) and Catholic in its origins, but I think it’s because they don’t want their children to eat so much candy that they’d get cavities and need to see the dentist who is the son of that yenta from synagogue who brags about her son being a dentist.) It’s about when King Ahasuerus got super drunk and ordered all the young ladies to line up so he could pick his favorite to be his wife, and he picked Esther, a Jew who didn’t let on that she was a Jew, who had been raised by her uncle Mordechai, which is a name that you always have to say with the required Yiddy question mark at the end. So the king’s Jafar, named Haman, decides to kill all the Jews, but then Esther tells her hubsking, ‘Hey I’m Jewish! You can’t kill the Jews!’ and the King is all ‘Oh man you are right! Jafar Haman get thee gone! You are evil! We are going to celebrate this holiday by making delicious cookies in the shape of your three-cornered hat! I don’t know why the celebratory traditional food should be in the villain’s honor, but there we are!’ So that is Purim.
I was planning on making regular traditional poppy seed filling for my hamantaschen, but my poppy seeds were rancid. Boo and hiss! But it turned out to be $3 well wasted, because I was forced to try something new and much more interesting. I recently bought but have never used rosewater, so this was the time. The time was now. I dove into my nut drawer and came to the surface with almonds, cashews, and pistachios. Perfect! I had a sudden vision of a Middle Eastern marketplace, like a live-action version of the “Sugar dates! Sugar dates & figs! Sugar dates & pistachios!” scene from “Aladdin”, with men offering me baklava that I would have to turn down because of the honey. (I know baklava is Greek but it is also found in central and southwest Asia so BACK OFF.) I have really weird visions. So I wanted the nuts chopped roughly and cooked in a syrup. I decided to use my very old very on-the-brink Magic Bullet to chop them because I figured it was too weak and senile to do much damage. However, by some Purim miracle, the little machine suddenly got its groove back and pulverized my nuts before I could stop it. So cray. I was left with ground nuts…which actually turned out to be even better! I can’t wait to make actual baklava using this; it is RIDICULOUS.
I kind of dislike crispy or crunchy cookies; I am all about the chewy (with few exceptions). To have chewy more than crispy dough here, I had to make decisions that led to poofy dough when cooked, spreading wildly like a badass hamantasch. It’s delicious and I suggest you try it!
HAMANTASCHEN DOUGH
Ingredients:

  • 4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 cups minus 2 tablespoons sugar
  • 2 tablespoons brown sugar
  • 2 tablespoons cornstarch
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup canola oil
  • 1 cup + 2 tablespoons unsweetened almond milk
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon almond extract
  • 1/4 teaspoon lemon extract

Directions: 

  1. Mix the dry ingredients in a large bowl.
  2. Mix the wet ingredients in a separate bowl or in a measuring cup. Try not to drop the full cup onto the floor as I did.
  3. Mix the dry & wet together well, and knead for a few minutes until forms a nice ball.
  4. Split in half and wrap each half in Saran wrap/clingfilm.
  5. Refrigerate for an hour.

BAKLAVA FILLING
Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup raw almonds
  • 1/4 cup raw pistachios
  • 1/4 cup raw cashews
  • 1/4 cup agave plus more if needed
  • 1.5 tablespoons rosewater
  • 4 tablespoons water
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract or paste

Directions:

  1. Grind the nuts in a food processor. It can be a little chunky.
  2. In a heavy-bottomed pan, mix all ingredients over medium heat.
  3. Cook, stirring, for about 10 minutes. Let it lightly boil, and turn down if it is boiling too heavily. It should reduce greatly after 10 or so minutes and become a paste.

ASSEMBLY

  1. Take the refrigerated dough out of the fridge and let thaw for at least 30 minutes.
  2. Flour a clean surface and roll out each dough section until as thin as you can get it without it becoming flimsy. I went to about 1/4 inch thick, which is probably on the thicker side and probably why mine got so pouffy. That’s just science. The thinner you roll it, the less pouffy it will get, so decide how you want your cookies.
  3. Take a 4-5 inch circular thing, like a jar lid or a mug (or a circle cookie cutter if you are the freaking queen of England or something) and press into the dough multiple times. Like, you know how to do this.
  4. Take a tablespoon of filling and place in the middle of each circle.
  5. Fold the sides up so they meet at a point at the top, and then fold the bottom up. We are making triangles, p.s.
  6. Preheat the oven to 350F while you are folding the hats.
  7. Bake for about 15 minutes, until golden but not browning.
  8. Enjoyyy! Don’t eat 8 before they cool off like I did because you will not feel nice.

I hope you decide to try these! Happy Purim!

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I love my pretty new colorful equipment! That’s all.

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If you run out of Saran wrap like I did, use a big Ziplock!

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Sometimes you feel like a ground up nuts.

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There’s thread on the PPK about what cool things people have found at TJ Maxx & similar places. I only get cooking supplies there, like these! Vanilla paste and rosewater for a few dollahs? Hollahhh.

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“My hat is has 3 corners, 3 corners has my hat. And if it’d not 3 corners, it would not be my hat!” That’s a song of Haman’s that we learned as small jews.

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Pre cookery. The few jelly-filled ones at the back are actually filled with an Earl Grey Apricot jam, courtesy of my friend Stephanie from Swell Baked Goods in Memphis. It is sooo delicious, as is everything she makes.

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See they got pretty puffy but I like that! This is the cool way to do it. Happy day!
original comments: https://laughfrodisiac.weebly.com/my-own-creations/rosewater-baklava-hamantaschen-for-purim-helping-purim-beat-halloween-from-here-on-out#comments

Veganizing “Friends”: Tartlets?…Tartlets?…Tartlets?…The Word Has Lost All Meaning

December 30, 2013
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PictureTartlets!

      “Well smack my ass and call me Judy!”
No, I didn’t say that! It’s from one of the best guest stars ever on “Friends”, Jon Lovitz! In Season 1’s “The One With the Stoned Guy”, he played a guy named Steve who came to the apartment to interview Monica for a restaurant job. However, as Phoebe reported, he got stoned in the cab on the way over and was just a rude mess. A corn-envelope eating, Sugar-Os throwing, Gummi-Bear stealing mess. Poor Monica’s big opportunity was lost because of drugs. See? Johnny Dakota was right: “There’s no hope with dope!”*
Luckily for us, his erratic behavior made for some great TV. Jon Lovitz is one of those actors with the ability to turn a stupid line into an absolute instant classic. My favorite line reading of his (in this episode, at least; his reappearance in Season 9’s “The One With the Blind Dates” provides stiff competition*) inspired this post’s subject: regarding Monica’s Onion Tartlets. For the past what, 15 years, every time I hear the word tartlet, or even tart, I react in this same way. I can’t help it! Watch and be awed:
       I’ve seen this about 100 times and I still love it. The word tartlet makes me laugh so hard!! I don’t know how Courteney Cox kept a straight face during filming, because I couldn’t have. I’d be the worst sitcom actor ever. I’d break more than Jimmy Fallon. Anyway, so Steve couldn’t wait a measly 8 1/2 minutes for the onion tartlets. He got all up in Monica’s pantry, looking for munchies.

Picture“I was just being polite.”

       “Hello Greeter Girl.” I love it. But he’s so rude! Not only did he take items off her shelf but he actually stuck his grubby hands in and ate some of the food! I would have snapped much earlier than Monica did. I can’t stomach fools! And I really can’t stomach grubby hands in my cereal boxes. I love cereal. Let’s have cereal! No, we’re here to make onion tartlets. And wow, guys, I must say, this shit is crazy good! I used The Vegg for the first time. If you aren’t familiar with it, The Vegg is a vegan, powdered egg replacer that is extremely, eerily egg-like. It even made my kitchen smell like sulfur! The people at The Vegg were nice enough to send me a free sample, and I think these tartlets (hehe tartlets) are a great way to experiment with a little bit of it. I am definitely going to be buying this in the future. If you don’t have access to it, I bet a mix of EnerG Egg Replacer, nooch, and black salt would substitute well (or even just the nooch and black salt if you use firm tofu). However, this concoction blew the minds of some real egg-loving omnivores in my house, so I suggest ordering the Vegg.
To make the little tartlet shells, I stole a recipe from this really cool blogger over at HelloGiggles and I don’t even feel bad about it. I’m taking her method too — you use the bottom part of your muffin tin (the smaller your muffin cups, the better for this!) to form your dough into cups! It’s genius! So, we’re going to make and semi-bake the little tartlet pie cups first, then fill them with the eggy mixture and bake again. Be careful that your crusts don’t burn (like some of mine did) as it takes a long time for the filling to cook. It might help to cover your pie edges with tin foil to prevent burning (I never do this because I love burnt edges). Weirdly, the uncooked filling tastes just like egg salad. I was always disgusted by egg salad, but the stuff without any actual eggs is pretty rad. Let’s make some tartlets! Hehe tartlets!
MONICA’S ONION TARTLETS
HEHE TARTLETS
For the tartlet pie cups
Ingredients:

  • 2C all-purpose or whole-wheat flour
  • 1t baking powder
  • 1t salt
  • 3/4C Earth Balance or vegan margarine
  • 1/2C cold water

Directions:

  1. Mix your dry ingredients in a mixing bowl.
  2. Cut the margarine in with a pastry cutter or your fingers. I have a pastry cutter, but I used my fingers here! Ohhh livin’ on the veeedge.
  3. Add the water and mix into a ball, then knead well, about 15 times.
  4. Flatten into a disc, wrap in cling film, and refrigerate for an hour.
  5. Take the dough out and let thaw for 30-45 minutes before rolling out.
  6. Preheat your oven to 350°.
  7. Roll out to about 1/4inch thick and cut into small squares that will cover the bottoms of your muffin tins.
  8. Bake for 10 minutes, just long enough to set the shape but not too long that they are fully cooked.

For the filling
Ingredients:

  • 1 very large onion (to make about 2C diced)
  • 1T olive oil
  • 1t salt
  • 1 box (12 oz.) silken tofu
  • 5t The Vegg egg replacer powder
  • salt and black pepper to taste
  • 3T nooch

Directions:

  1. First, we’re going to caramelize the onions!! Get a big heavy stock pot, heat your oil over medium-low heat, and add your onions. Cook, stirring often, for about 30-40 minutes over medium heat, to caramelize the onions. Add a pinch of salt halfway through. You can totally just brown your onions over high heat if you don’t have the time or patience, but caramelizing onions is one of those amazing magic tricks you should learn to do someday.
  2. While your onions cook and then cool, mix your tofu, Vegg, salt and pepper, and nooch into a mixing bowl. Use a fork to mash the tofu. Do not puree or blend it, as it’s much more authentically egg-like when simply mashed roughly.
  3. Add your onions to the tofu mixture.
  4. Once you’ve prebaked your pie shells for 10 minutes and cooked your onions, fill each shell with the onion tofu mixture and press gently down. Put all the shells in a large glass baking dish (or two) and bake at 350° for about 40 minutes.
  5. Check at 30 minutes to make sure yours aren’t burning.
  6. Ta daaa! Enjoy!
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Thanks Vegg people!
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“Is it dry in here?”
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THE SHADOW FINGERS WILL GET YOU, PIE DOUGH!
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Thiis is howw you dooo ittt
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You could also just eat the pie crusts plain.
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Onions overboard!!
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“You know, I don’t know what I’m looking for.”
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Don’t worry it’s not really egg!
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Adding the onions. Onions, man.
     These are actually really good! If you take the time to roll your pie dough out and cut them more carefully than I did, you could totally serve these at a dinner party. Or any kind of party. New Years Eve? Nothing like ringing in the new year with the smell of sulfur! I hope you enjoy!
*What was your favorite Jon Lovitz quote on “Friends”, from either of his episodes? Don’t you love when he says, “And I’m pretty sure…I’m infertile” because I do.
*Do you know who Johnny Dakota is?!?!
original comments: https://laughfrodisiac.weebly.com/my-own-creations/veganizing-friends-tarletstartletstartletsthe-word-has-lost-all-meaning
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