It’s the moooost wonderful tiiiime of the year! The time when Netflix is like, ‘hey girl, hayyy, we’re gonna suggest you take a break from your daily medicine of 2-3 episodes of Friends and instead watch some hot hot Christmas garbage: the “romantic” “comedies” you j’adore straight from the Hallmark channel but senza the commercials!’ It was truly like magic: on the last night of Chanukah, I opened Netflix and my entire list of recommendations comprised new-to-me Santa-loving love stories of the tried true and tested (over and over again) Hallmark formula. I metaphorically speaking poured myself a cup of peppermint hot cocoa and hit play on the first one before you could sing “here I go here I go here I go again girls what’s my weakness? this”.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before we get into it, let’s review that aforementioned formula:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The most incredible, insane detail that I never realized but then kept seeing proved over and over? All of these movies run 1 hour and 26 minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay so I know last year’s roundup <\/a><\/strong>referenced in the title how all of this is ‘hot hot garbage’ but honestly most of these…were…excellent. Maybe I just needed it and had no energy for cynicism! Or maybe they algorithmed me only the best of the bunch! But something is different this year, and these are ace…I think? Let’s review!<\/p>\n\n\n\n CATERING CHRISTMAS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Catering Christmas was the first piece of trash I watched this season, so it has that bit of specialness in its favor and I’ll always be grateful to Netflix for knowing when I was ready and what I should start with. I honestly loved it even though I did not find the lead guy sufficiently attractive (as is standard). Our heroine, Molly, is a caterer trying to make her independent business boom in her small town. She gets the chance to audition to cater the Harrison Foundation’s annual enormous Christmas Gala — what an opportunity! At the audition at Emily Gilmore’s house, a man walks into the kitchen and she mistakes him for her new sous chef, who a chef would totally realistically meet for the first time AT a very important job. She orders him around, saying ‘wash your hands!’ and ‘who taught you how to hold a knife!’ and never says ‘what’s your name!’ or ‘are you my sous chef?’ Turns out he’s the nephew of Old Lady Emily Gilmore Harrison, a trust fund baby (of I’d say 40 years of age). What a meet cute! No I’m serious, I kind of love this premise. Molly gets the job and the nephew is ordered to be more involved in the foundation so he oversees her and the Gala. This Gala, by the way, the most important annual event of this philanthropic foundation that’s known internationally, is held in Emily’s small living room, littered with a hoarder’s knickknacks, as about 20 people looking like they shopped the sale rack at Blouse Barn simply stand around. It’s perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The two clearly like each other and the only conflict is that he travels a lot and she’s like ‘absolutely not, I’m not getting involved with someone who LEAVES TOWN’, so, as always, something that could have been solved with a conversation much earlier. Although I didn’t buy the guy being ‘so charming’ (or funny) and Molly smiled way too big way too often (especially in the final scene like who asked to see your gum line, tone it down before you scare him off you’re not a wolf and he’s not Belle), they did have decent chemistry that sold the story to me completely. Round it out with the rich old lady and her long-serving butler finally professing their love for each other and deciding to get married (lol like Emily Gilmore would ever keep a servant around long enough to remember their name let alone marry them) and you have one of my new favorite little sewer rats.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n I’M GLAD IT’S CHRISTMAS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Please let me first congratulate this one on possibly the best, most obviously ‘we are running out of things to call these movies’ titles of all time. OF ALL TIME. This one stars perennial favorite Jessica Lowndes (the Stephen Huszar of Hallmark movies (that means they are repeat offenders and I am always happy to see them)) (okay him) as an aspiring Broadway performer, waiting for her big break while working in a New Jersey gift shop and going to the occasional audition for, it seems, only Christmas-themed Broadway shows. Her backstory means that she is singing the entire time, so we see how talented she is, and because this is Low Budget, it means she sings public domain Christmas songs the whole time, like while she’s wrapping presents in the shop as the customers watch IN MF AWE. It’s SO CRINGE. I LOVE IT. One of those customers is…Gladys Knight, no like THE ACTUAL Gladys Knight is in this movie. Gladys thinks Jessica is so talented that she asks her to come to her office along with a Hot Santa she met on the street who writes jingles. Man I love that someone writes this stuff. (It really is Gladys Knight btw I cannot stress this enough.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The dialogue in this one made me audibly groan throughout, with gems like: Jessica saying “this is my fifth Christmas here and it never gets old” (is five years supposed to be a lot), Hot Santa saying, “…yeahhhh.” Classics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So Gladys Knight wants to make a little commercial neighborhood of this small random NJ town a ‘Christmas destination’ like it was in the days of yore, and she thinks Christmas Ariana Grande and Jingle-writing Santa are the solution: to work on the Holiday Lane Christmas Show. Make it a big extravaganza like it used to be, boys! Jason (Hot Santa is named Jason) will write the songs, and Chloe (Jessica is Chloe) will sing like ‘an angel’ with her ‘spectacular voice’ (I’m not saying she’s not talented but stop telling us, Gladys). Chloe is nervous about committing to the Show because she has a lot of auditions lined up in the next few weeks, because Broadway famously has lots of auditions around Christmas (maybe true, I don’t really know and it is lots of Jews, right, we built this city). My favorite part is that at every BROADWAY AUDITION, she sings Christmas songs. Gd it I love public domain obviousness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What I like about this one is that instead of having the couple wait till the last minute to be like ‘I like you’ ‘me tooo’ ‘awww’ they tell each other after meeting once for five minutes, like so early in the movie that Alias wouldn’t even have dropped the credit sequence yet. Complete opposite! Ballsy! Does it pay off? No! If they know they want to be together from the start, then the dramatic arc is simply ‘is this girl gonna land a big role on Broadway’ and the answer is ‘are you serious’.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I wholeheartedly recommend this one SOLELY for the way Gladys answers, “…really?” when Chloe’s boss at the gift shop says she took tap lessons. It’s pure gold-plated cringe. The worst part as always is the guy’s daughter who might be the most over the top child actor I’ve ever seen. So annoying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Christmas villain in this one is the hair and makeup department. Jessica is probably younger than me but they gave her old lady hair the whole movie and I don’t understand why! I bet it’s the same stylist who did Santino’s in Tootsie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What about this movie will make you almost throw up if you are trying to stay positive and not be a Grinchy cynic? ALL OF IT. Jason writes Chloe a song called “Christmas Feels Like Falling in Love” and that’s the big showstopper of the Xmas concert. It’s actually pretty catchy but oh my god the sentiment. To quote the back of p.18 of Rachel’s famous 18-page letter (front and back), DOES IT? DOES IT? Even better, at one point Jason the jingle writer says “jingles pay the bills” (but as you know, SINGING. DOES NOTUH. PAYUH. THE BILLS) and Chloe responds BY SINGING JINGLE BELLS. Just walking down the street responding to a conversation with a christmas carol as one does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Netflix had this on my Recommended list after I watched it and I said to husbo as we were finding something to watch ‘oh what’s that I’m Glad It’s Christmas did I watch that?’ And he scrolled over and it said ‘watch again’ and we died laughing. These titles have absolutely nothing to do with anything! Christmas Movie A.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n A BRUSH WITH CHRISTMAS<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Points for having a sort-of specific title! That ‘brush’ is a reference to paint brushes! It’s clever! It’s cute! This movie is the latter and not the former! We get a head chef at a restaurant, Charlotte, who really in her heart of hearts wants to be a painter. She’s very talented, but she has no time to follow her dreams, because she’s a good girl who promised her mother that she’d keep her late father’s restaurant going. They have a very talented staff, especially the sous chef, but SHUSH your face, Charlotte must be head chef there’s no time to discuss it even though the trained Ayo is trained and great and ready and Charlotte doesn’t want it I SAID NO. This small town has an annual Christmas painting contest (me explaining this one to husbo: “so there’s a Christmas painting contest–” Z interrupting angrily: “THAT’S NOT A GENRE!”) and Charlotte starts to paint a beautiful entry but then throws it out because painting will not put food on the paying customers’ tables. Painting. Does Notuh. Pay. The Billsuh. She throws her giant canvas just like out in a dumpster in an alley it’s so dramatic. A handsome man finds it and enters it into the contest! It was half finished so he scribbles in the rest sloppily (it’s super arty) and enters as Anonymous (he’s not taking credit for it, just thinks it should be seen. What a mensch). Charlotte confronts him and is like ‘wtf rando, this is my painting and who said you could do this’ and he’s like ‘omg this is yours? It’s really good, and by the way I’m the famous artist Wyatt Something’ and Charlotte is like ‘You’re Wyatt Something? Holy shit I have your coffee table book’ which is such a small world. So they start spending time together because he’s in town staying with his best friend, who seems like a very pleasant guy but is 100% the guy on Friends who tells Rachel “my mom calls it Bloomies.” He teaches Charlotte to follow her dreams and she teaches him how to paint, because he’s a pencil artist, and I guess that doesn’t translate, which is not very believable, like did he not go to art school? don’t they have like prerequisites?<\/p>\n\n\n\n The two leads acted decently and were very attractive by Hallmark’s standards so I liked them a lot, but they just didn’t have chemistry together. Charlotte just kind of smiled big a lot, and Wyatt just kind of skated by on his looks. Besides Wyatt, my favorite part of this movie was that Charlotte and her talented sous kept talking about how revelatory and exciting the idea of a butternut squash risotto special for the Christmas menu was, as if butternut squash risotto was not one of the most overdone dishes in white people history. They kept saying butternut squash risotto wow oh my and I kept saying stop trying to make butternut squash risotto happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n B&B MERRY<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I watched this one just to rag on it for having the stupidest title I ever heard. And then I forking loved it. I think this damn movie might be my new fave. Serves me right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n B&B Merry is about a travel blogger named Tracy Wise who not only manages to make a living from her travel website, but is actually quite famous for it, and all this after having worked very briefly as a lawyer, so I definitely didn’t feel immediately called out or jealous, no sirree, I mean I don’t even have ads on here (you’re welcome). So up in small town Vermont let’s say, an attractive man named Graham sees her travel videos (‘oh let me guess…on the internet?’) and invites her to review his family’s struggling B&B over Christmas. It’s been in his fam bam for years, but it’s been struggling ever since the big swanky Park View hotel opened in town. Nevermind that if a town is too small for two hotels to have enough business, it’s probably too small for a big swanky hotel to begin with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tracy agrees to visit, not because it makes sense for an internationally known travel blogger to spend her big-money Christmas review time in a tiny B&B in small-town Vermont, but because a big-time luxury travel magazine is sending her on an audition job to review the Park View hotel! Oh my gosh Santa, what a coincidence. She thinks oh I can kill two birds with one Vermont visit, boys! But she’s a confusion bucket, and when she runs into Graham in the town’s diner, she can’t find the words to say ‘oh I didn’t show up days early just to fux with you, I’m actually reviewing the Park View first, see you later alligator’. Instead she just lets him assume she arrived early WITHOUT WARNING like a fucking INTERNET SAVAGE and goes to meet his mom and aunt, who run the b&b (merry). They are beside themselves trying to give her whatever she might want so she is happy and raves about them, like tea and baked goods and a lack of personal space. As soon as Tracy goes to enter the b&b, her boyfriend, who is supposed to be joining her on this romantic Christmas stay (Christmas is sooo romantic), calls and breaks up with her. And then instead of telling the hosts that their other guest is not coming, she’s just like ‘oh he’s running late.’ BE MORE HONEST. JESUS WOULD WANT THAT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the meantime, Tracy and Graham spend time together and fall in Hallmark love, of course, and I ship them so hard. They are higher than average attractive for these movies, and they are very likeable. The cringey dialogue and awkward pauses seemed fewer throughout. And the Conflict causing their eventual fight was stupid but believable: why didn’t she tell him that she was reviewing the Park View? It wouldn’t have been so weird; it’s her job! Also the Park View was so basic, it made me laugh to see that put that forward as the fancy upscale place, it was like a Holiday Inn room. Which are clean and comfy yes but nothing special. It was the public domain music of sets.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They finally make up because Tracy pans the Park View and raves about Graham’s little B&B, so the meaning of Christmas is apparently the loss of ethics in journalism but we’ve all been dealing with that for years anyway. So funny that everything was okay once she proved that she would use her blog to help his business and then let him follow her around the world taking pictures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The bond between Tracy and the whole family was believable and made this trash seem not trashy at all. I liked Graham a lot considering these leading men are usually such disappointments. 3\/3 Weissmans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n