{"id":11128,"date":"2019-12-11T16:27:56","date_gmt":"2019-12-11T16:27:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/laughfrodisiac.com\/?p=11128"},"modified":"2019-12-11T21:40:23","modified_gmt":"2019-12-11T21:40:23","slug":"in-bruges-man-alive-its-like-a-forking-fairytale","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/laughfrodisiac.com\/2019\/12\/11\/in-bruges-man-alive-its-like-a-forking-fairytale\/","title":{"rendered":"In Bruges: Man Alive It’s Like a Forking Fairytale"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
come with meeee and you’ll beeeee in a wooooorld of chocolate shops and bridges<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
HOT DAMN Bruges is adorabullllll. I finally went to this charming lil baby city in Belgium recently and I gotta say, just based on the human-to-chocolate-shop ratio alone, it’s one of my favorite places. The scenery is pretty great too, and other people would rave about the beer, the food (though not the vegan food – you must do research and know where to go), the beer, the quaint old-timey vibe, the beer, and the delightful ease of a visit. I am mostly enamored of the chocolate. OH and the cone-shaped fruit candy too. See I have more than one interest. At this time of year, the Christmas markets are all over Belgium, and while Bruges’s didn’t have anything of particular interest for me, it was still a pretty sight, not that the town needed any help in that department.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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We were supposed to go to Bruges this past summer for the bank holiday weekend, but we had to reschedule because of TINGS, I tell ya, TINGS. Honestly, it was fine that we had one less day to spend. I’m not saying more time wouldn’t be nice here, but having all of Saturday, one night, and then Sunday morning was plenty for seeing the highlights and getting a feel for the town. Also it was suuupes crowded. I think it’s always full of tourists, but now that it’s Christmas-market season, it’s packed. (Doesn’t detract from its loveliness! You got nowhere to go!) We’re usually go-go-go travelers, so I think it worked out that we had less time since this is the opposite of a go-go-go place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the church is in the corner<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
Our first stop once we arrived was, naturally, THE BLOOD OF CHRIST CHURCH.<\/strong> This place is seriously called Procession of the Holy Blood, because apparently the blood of Christ is in a vial and you walk by it one by one with a guard watching. Considering all the vials of blood I’ve seen, this one definitely ranks high and isn’t going to come back telling me I have another auto-immune disorder, so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
heilig, heilig, heilig….ist gott der herr BLOED PROCESSIE<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
There’s actually a line-guard to make sure everyone stays in line orderly and like doesn’t make a fuss, don’t make a fuss, and then there’s a lady standing with the vial at the top of the altar\/stage and you say ‘hi’ and ‘thanks I guess’ to her as you look at the ancient glass vial. Since you cannot take photos of the blood of Christ (it’s like a vampire it can’t have its essence captured), I’ll splain: it is a very ancient glass vial covered with gems and crusted over with…well I guess with the holy spirit?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s 2.50 euro for the museum inside the blood church, but it’s free to see the blood vial in the church. Not sure what’s in the museum part, probably like information on where the blood came from and all that lore which you will not get from me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
his blood is his moneyyy<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
it’s like stupid cute if this city were a song it would be Helene singing to Natasha to try to convince her to come to the ball that evening in The Great Comet (the song is called “Charming”)<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
After we saw the blood of Christ, we went to see him as a lil baby with his mama at the Church of Our Lady, or the Onze-Lieve-Vrouwekerk<\/strong> if you nasty. This church\/museum houses the famous Michelangelo sculpture Madonna of Bruges, which depicts the Virgin Mary and her magical baby. It’s a lovely sculpture, but the whole alcove it stands in is currently under construction. Thankfully, the museum knew that visitors were coming just for that so there is a hole in the scaffolding so you can still see it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
it’s okay babyyyyy I’m not sharing a great picture (we do have some of them) because GREAT ART can only be APPRECIATED in PERSON ask Bette Midler<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
The best thing is the information on the wall for this piece. It begins “Contrary to the habits early in the sixteenth century, Our Lady does not look tender and sweet here, but rather glum and sad. She thinks deeply and expresses the fear that her large and naked child will soon run away.” LARGE AND NAKED CHILD. I sent this to Rob Delaney obviously, the king of large and naked children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So that’s the main thing in the Onke museum, but there are other treats that make it worth the ticket price (which I just checked and it was only 4 euro so go nuts). Across from the sculpture, there’s a painting that made us go ‘huh, that looks like a Caravaggio’ (and by ‘us’ I mean ‘husbo’ because I am just like ‘oh art’) and it WAS! And also was not. Facts: This painting, The Disciples at Emmaus, was long attributed to Caravaggio because, as husbo can attest to, it looks like his work. However, experts now believe it’s the work of Hendrik Ter Brugghen in the style of Caravaggio; he liked to copy him. Fun fact we learned, Caravaggio’s first name was Michelangelo too! He must have been pissed!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
okay wow the glare is serious sorry omg it looks like the Spanish monkey church Christ in the middle you know what I’m talking about<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
(Oh dear, upon further investigation it looks like Caravaggio was not his last name but the town he grew up in??? and it’s a ‘da Caravaggio’ situation like ‘da Vinci’ which ISN’T LEONARDO’S LAST NAME it means FROM VINCI and oh my god I really really hope Michelangelo Merisi is okay with everyone referring to him by the name of his town ahhhh.) (Okay upon even further investigation it appears Caravaggio was a murderer? so call him what you want.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
more church<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
I’ll never get over old-man-baby-Jesus paintings it’s just so funny to me that they won’t paint him like a baby. all artists from olden days are like Ricky Bobby’s father-in-law in Talladega Nights “jesus was a man! he had a beard!”<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
Here’s a scenery interlude for making it through the museum bits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
you’re like really pretty<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
thanks<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
So you agree?<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
what?<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
you think you’re really pretty <\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
As you can see, taking little boat rides around the canals is a Big Thing, though no one sings (however, they do use an intense microphone setup that we could hear in our hotel room; luckily they stop tours at night). I decided not to join in the fun though, because I guess I hate fun. No I think I had good reasons: a) it was cold to be stuck in a boat b) I get seasick (okay man it’s not ‘the sea’ but you never know) and c) the best pictures are of<\/em> the boats on the canals, not from <\/em>the boats. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
How about a quick look at the Christmas market? Just a quick one because it was pretty meh for me. In the main square, there were the familiar wooden stalls of European winter markets with the familiar wares: fried meats and fish and fries, alcohol, more non-vegan food, touristy gifts that put “Bruges” on magnets and towels and shirts and ornaments &c., and more alcohol. It was pretty-ish, but overrun with drunk men who had no idea whose space they were intruding into so we peaced rather quickly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
this is not the xmas market this is the permanent part of the square it was in it just always looks like xmas<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
this is the best I could do with the crowds<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
I mean I’m not going to share pictures of meat stalls (which was all the food, except for the cheese) and bar stalls so there’s really nothing left except woollen socks and ornamenti. The belfry looks great though; maybe we should climb that later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
whatevs<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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Here’s the best thing we saw:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
two good dogs in the basket!!!!! eeeee!<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
I miss you No not you lady, I don’t even know you<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
Before, between, and after the sights we visited, we bought chocolate. We bought a lot of chocolate, and sadly, even though it has been like a week, I’m out. My favorite shop was La Belgique Gourmande, because the staff was helpful AND they didn’t even have to be – their bowls of various chocolates were really well marked with all allergens!!! Eeee! I love a good labeling system! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
chocolate letters and chocolate beer, the latter mixing the two big THINGS of Belgium<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
THESE TOOLS ARE MADE OF CHOCOLATE i know so weird<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
The funniest thing was that, by our second day in Belgium, we learned that this is pretty much the most popular chain of chocolate shoppes in the whole damn country and we were treating it like a tiny little artisan find, HILARIOUS. Who cares, I love that they have more of these in Brussels (next post) than Starbucks in NYC. We shopped at three of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Below you can see the best chocolate they make that I should have gotten 100 pieces of instead of 100 grams. It’s like Ferrero Rocher with an amazing hazelnut butter filling but there’s no dairy! You can see on the tag their allergen legend, which shows that this contains nuts and soy, and NOO DAIRY! woot! I love them for this guidance! I love labels. Except for people, obvs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
ugh more plz<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
We also bought some-but-not-enough of the famous Belgian fruit candy called cuberdons<\/em>, which is like little cone-shaped pate de fruits and they are really good! They are also accidentally vegan so go nuts! Although I’d avoid the cherry because it tasted like medicine. We learned that these famous candies are only really found in Belgium because they don’t last long enough to export; the quality would suffer and people would be like ‘these aren’t so great’ instead of like ‘moar pleeeease.’<\/p>\n\n\n\n
want more of you too<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
Alright, time for another sightseeing adventure before we get to the food. On Sunday morning, before we left Bruges for Brussels, we planned to climb the belfry in the main square. It’s one of the city’s most prominent landmarks, and is heavily responsible for the historic centre of Bruges attaining UNESCO world heritage status. The bell tower was built in 1240 but rebuilt after a fire in 1280…which is still super super old. There were several fires over the years, including one that wiped out the spire that was never rebuilt, so the tower today is shorter than it once was. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here it is at night, GORGE.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
all nice pictures were taken by husbo, clearly<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
And here in the daytime:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
oh noes that girl is on her phone Bette’s gonna yell at her<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n
Unfortunately, the day we climbed it – the only slot we had available – was foggy mcfoggerton senior. Visibility was like, maybe three inches in front of you. Once you got a foot off the ground NOPE couldn’t see shite. Even the ticket man was like ‘are you sure you want to climb today…’ and we were like ‘no but we have no choice.’ We had to climb the thing, because we climb things (except ice mountains<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/a>) so it had to be during the fog.<\/p>\n\n\n