{"id":10618,"date":"2019-08-06T07:17:59","date_gmt":"2019-08-06T07:17:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/laughfrodisiac.com\/?p=10618"},"modified":"2019-09-02T14:55:01","modified_gmt":"2019-09-02T14:55:01","slug":"trump-hates-it-it-must-be-awesome-we-return-to-baltimore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/laughfrodisiac.com\/2019\/08\/06\/trump-hates-it-it-must-be-awesome-we-return-to-baltimore\/","title":{"rendered":"Trump Hates It? It Must be Awesome! We Return to Baltimore!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Are you curious about what ‘living in hell’ is like? It’s pretty nice (and vegan-friendly)! <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recently, Cheeto Mussolini talked smack on one of America’s great cities, and it was embarrassing. For him, of course, because he was wrong (he did<\/em> open his mouth). Since I have the best readers (‘I use the best words’), I know you agree that if the screaming carrot demon hates something, it’s probably awesome, and this is definitely true for Baltimore, Maryland. Sure it has problems – as most big cities do – but unlike the assclown who has the power (all the power in the world) to fix them, we aren’t going to complain about them and not talk about all the great things Baltimore has going on right now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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are you calling that bench a liar, asshole?
benches don’t lie mufucka<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Balmore, as they say, is a vibrant, dynamic city with so much more to offer than crime and homelessness and a drug problem (helloo did I say every city because that’s every city). The diverse (in both senses of the word) areas of the city are full of young hipsters living in cool neighborhoods, tourists coming to see one of the first colonies, students attending one of the great schools, and established locals who will defend their city to any orange buffoon who dares, dares<\/em>, disparage it. Recently, we were members of the second group visiting members of the first and third (and, by default, fourth) groups. We found a Baltimore more progressive and even more fun than our last visit 3 years ago. It was a short trip, but we managed to see and do (and eat) enough to recommend a visit to anyone, except assclowns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shall we start with food or activities?? Food or activities. I’m going to flip a coin aaaaaand it’s activities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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THAT’S A LION<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Great decision making! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

DO<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We’ll save my favorite new Baltimore\/anywhere activity for last because it’s AMAZING and there’s no way silly museums could compete with it if I share that first. You know I complain about museums a lot (we go to so many museums! they take so long!) but I’m mostly just joking since they are a must-see pretty much everywhere. This trip, we returned to The Walters Art Museum, a free (!) museum in the Mount Vernon-Belvedere neighborhood, housing mid-19th century collections amassed by the Walters family. William Thompson Walters began collecting art when he moved to Paris to flee the beginning American Civil War because he was a Confederate sympathizer and I guess he was at least smart enough to know he should get his ass out of there but also fork that guy. His son later refined his jackwagon father’s collection and made the plans for establishing a way to publicly house it; no word on whether he also was an ignorant racist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The museum is right on the same block as the Washington Monument which I like to pretend is on purpose to have Washington be like HOW DARE YOU SUPPORT THE CONFEDERACY but then again Washington had slaves so like ah<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It’s a great museum with lots to see and learn, but that’s for you to discover on your own because as usual, my job here is to share the pictures of hilariously weird things, and dogs. Here are all the dogs in the museum. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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THREE GOOD BOYS<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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She’s like ‘I only came here to play with your dog GIVE ME YOUR DOG’<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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This bitch so mad because the painter said ‘you can’t look at the dog look at me’<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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a doggo AND bonus other animals! and vegetables too what a treaty room<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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this good boy is tired of pretending this kid doesn’t suck<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

This is honestly one of my favorite museum activites. Half the pictures on my phone are paintings with dogs in them from museums all over the world. Anyway now we move on to another favorite activity: sharing all the hilarious and weird shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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what’s wrong with these kids’ faces<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Hester Prynne WILL CUT A BITCH<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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THIS IS MY FAVORITE! he is so f-ed up. STOP THINKING ABOUT DEATH, JEROME (it’s Saint Jerome)<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Okay that’s probably enough of that. The Walters is definitely worth a visit when you are next in Baltimore and not just for the dog paintings. <\/p>\n\n\n

The museum is on the very hip very cool N. Charles Street, about a ten minute walk from husbo’s favorite pub, The Brewer’s Art. Last time we were in Baltimore<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/span>, we could only have their incredible rosemary fries, but when we stopped in this time, we discovered they had Beyond Meat burgers AND sausages on the menu! I mean! What! (This doesn’t count as prematurely talking about food because we didn’t actually eat there.) So definitely check it out after the museum. The museum is also only a five minute walk from husbo’s favorite restaurant in Baltimore, The Helmand, an Afghani restaurant that is excellent, so that’s also an option. Do one before and one after!<\/p>\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m not a huge fan of cemeteries, but your next activity is a quick lil trip to one. Honestly, it doesn’t even really count as a cemetery, just a little tiny garden-looking jawn with some graves. Okay it’s a small cemetery. But it’s a special one!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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bonus points if you watch the related Gilmore Girls episode after going<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It’s Edgar Allan Poe’s! Okay it’s not all exclamatey I mean he did die at 40 (in Baltimore, where he spent a good portion of his life). Poe’s grave site is on Fayette Street, at the Westminster Hall and Burying Ground, not too far from the Edgar Allan Poe House and Museum, which makes a lot of sense. If you are a Poefiend you should check all of that out but we were in the game for just a quick stroll by the grave. It’s in a very blink-and-you’ll-walk-right-by-it quiet little secluded corner of green, gated but open to the public. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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he was actually born January 19 like you had one job<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n
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In true Poe fashion, he was originally buried in an unmarked grave. Eventually a man named George Spence added a sandstone block on the site but still, no name and lots of weeds. Reports of this odd grave for such an important figure circulated and eventually reached Poe’s mother-in-law, who wrote some harsh but polite words (probably) to the cousin in charge of fixing this whole situation. Neilson Poe, the two-last-names cuz, ordered a legit marble headstone, but then in true Poe fashion, a train ran off its tracks and destroyed the headstone. After a few years, various benefactors, friends, and students raised enough money for another headstone. The monument was dedicated in 1875, 26 years after Poe’s death. Cremation is a lot easier, I’m just saying. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are other people buried here, including members of his family and notable historical figures. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our next activity is a jaunt to Fort McHenry, which I didn’t actually visit but husbo did (I was busy). He’s here to tell you all about it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Ha I’m just joking it’s still me. Fort McHenry is an important American, well, fort. Or ‘coastal bastion’ as the wikipeeds says. Located in the Locust Point neighborhood, the fort was important during the War of 1812 (not to be confused with the Great Comet of that same year, wow what a year am I right), when it successfully defended Balmore from those DAMNED BRITISH whose navy was attacking from the Chesapeake Bay. It was also used during both World Wars. During the War of 1812, when the larger garrison flag was flown over the Fort, it signaled that the Americans had won the Battle of Baltimore. The sight of the flag waving here inspired Francis Scott Key to write the song that only 7% of performers at sporting events have sung well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Husbo really enjoyed his visit to the Fort, save for the true ‘mercans wearing t-shirts that literally said AMERICA FUCK YEAH but you know you’re going to see them at military places. Admission is $15.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our last activity recommendation this go-round is the best one. Like true gentrifying hipsters, we tried the latest and funniest hipster activity that has country folk saying, um, what? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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We went axe throwing! IT WAS AMAZING.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Urban Axes on North Haven Street is the shiiiit. Sure there’s a bar with craft beer and wines, which doesn’t seem like the smaaartest match-up. But the axe-throwing is fun enough to keep people engaged and away from the bar for too long. You generally have to book in advance (they can allow walk-ins if it’s not too busy, but don’t risk it) and you get 6 people per ‘arena’ (two targets) and per coach. We were told that since we had 4 people, 2 strangers (stranger danger!) could potentially be put in our lane, but that didn’t happen. (It was a weeknight.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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So you get a coach, an ‘axepert’, who stays with you the entire hour-long session and teaches you how to throw a g-d axe. Our coach was really great. She was so helpful in figuring out our best stances, whether we should go one-handed or two, and giving little tips to improve. I went in thinking it would be fun but that I would be terrible, but even as a first-timer I got a few bullseyes! We all did! IT WAS AWESOME! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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i am SO excited to be holding an axe it’s kind of nuts also I just got a bullseye<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

It’s literally just a giant warehouse sort of room with plywood targets up. We said to each other, omg we should open one of these in London – the costs are SO low! You just need a bunch of axes and some boards! And then we took a beat and realized how much the liability insurance would be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can wear whatever you want, you just have to wear closed-toed shoes. It seems a little scary in theory, but we were reassured that people rarely get injured if they are following the rules. The most common injury people get is splinters from putting one hand against the board while they pull the axe out with the other. Silly people, don’t do that! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Man alive this was so much fun. Urban Axes has locations all over, including in Philly and Austin, so definitely check them out! It’s $38 per participant so it’s a little steep, but for a special occasion it’s pretty great. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EAT<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n

Baltimore’s vegan scene, like that of so many big cities, is popping. We found such great finds over a few days. I mentioned The Helmand and The Brewer’s Art above and you should definitely have them on your list. Newbies this go round included Red Emma’s, Stall 11 at the very hip very popular R House market, and my new fave restaurant L’eau de Vie, which I wrote about already<\/a><\/span>.<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Before we get to those, let’s talk about a more famous Baltimore tourist destination in case you end up there. One night, the omnivores I was with wanted crabs, which, if you know your musical theatre, Baltimore is famous for (remember Velma Von Tussle was Miss Baltimore Crabs in her youth) (I just realized I haven’t been singing “Good Morning Baltimore” this entire time; am I okay?). We paid a visit to the harborside crab institution Bo Brooks, and if you likewise end up there as a vegan, there are a few options for you! <\/p>\n\n\n

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It’s nothing special, but sometimes all I want is a regular green salad and a regular bowl of bean soup, and Bo Brooks had both for me. In fact, there’s a whole ‘plant-based’ section, and while I hate the phrase, I loved the contents. My soup was a ‘Tuscan white bean’ soup and it was fine! Then I had Nelly’s Salad which was actually quite big and had avocado and avocado dressing. That’s all I really ask for! Bo Brooks also has the Beyond Burger so you should definitely get one of those if you aren’t looking to recreate your own little Olive Garden sitch (saltines were my breadsticks).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Okay, next up is one of our favorite places in Baltimore – Red Emma’s. Yes, it sounds a bit Commie, and yes, it’s for a reason. It’s a radical infoshop, bookstore, and vegan cafe run by a worker-owner collective and yes of course it’s named after anarchist Emma Goldman (which of course should make you think of not one but TWO MUSICALS! EG was important in both Assassins<\/em> and Ragtime<\/em>). Given the state of the world right now, we should all be a little (lot) more socialist! You’re not surprised, right, with all the time we spent in the former USSR? You had to expect it to rub off a little. (Or you know by being aware in this society.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In addition to being like so woke, Red Emma’s has wonderful food. It was one of the hardest menus to order from because everything sounded incredible (and was vegan, as far as I could tell). We decided on the banh mi and the Reuben, with a side kale salad, totally on brand for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The Reuben might not look like much, but it was one of the best we’ve ever had. Husbo, an omnivore, sang its praises to such an extent that he actually said it was better than the Reuben at Rudy’s Dirty Vegan Diner in London, which is a huge thing since that one gets so much acclaim (but part of that is because it’s the only legit vegan Reuben in London (except the ones I make at home, obvs the best)). The banh mi was on the wrong bread (too big and too hard!) and needed more of a mayo-y sauce but it was still pretty good. The rest of the menu sounded so amazing, Red Emma’s will definitely be on our to-do list next time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We also ventured downstairs to the bookshop, which is where we bought Ijeoma Oluo’s So You Want to Talk About Race<\/span>. Highly recommended!! (And definitely try to buy it from a shop that is not Amazon! Fuck Bezos! Billionaires are inherently immoral!) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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“You’ve never seen such a place! So many BOOKS” omg another musical what a post this is<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Up next is my faaaavorite place and another that’s definitely on my list for a return visit. Man I really need to make a return visit. That’s Stall 11 in the food-vendor market space called R House, which bills itself as an “industrial chic food hall”. Directly south of the Johns Hopkins campus, R House is SO trendy and cool, and Stall 11’s existence in there proves the point. Carving out its own adorable space in the market hall, Stall 11 looks like what By Chloe wanted to be. And the food achieves the same goal. It’s incredible (and better). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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We had the loaded mac and cheese OF COURSE, which was fantastic, with a house-made vegan cheeze sauce, nut parm, and crispy cauliflower which was AMAZING. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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We also tried the avocado BLT which was great, if completely falling apart on that too-small bread! And it came with great sweet potato fries. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course we also tried a salad, the Harvest salad with added tempeh. Everything was so delicious! Here’s a better picture of the salad so you can see all the goodies inside, like chickpeas and quinoa and sweet potatoes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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and they gave me a free hibiscus juice !<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I love Stall 11 food so much. It’s like my perfect menu – huge loaded salads, great sandwiches, mac and cheeze. All my faves! To top it off, R House had self-serve water stations. I could cry! That’s all I ask for! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Well there’s one more thing I always ask for: ice cream. R House also has an outpost of Little Baby’s ice cream, which I know from Philly. The best thing about Little Baby’s, besides reliably having several vegan flavors, is that they sell ‘Baby’ scoops, one step below regular single scoops, for when you want to have just a little but are really full, like we were! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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so so baby sized<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

STAY<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You’ll notice we don’t have hotel recommendations this time around because they’re all rat-infested<\/s> we stayed with friends who are LIVING IN HELL no they absolutely love it. We were in the Canton neighborhood which is quite lovely and close enough to all the attractions by bus (we downloaded the CharmPass bus app, on which you buy tickets and then show your code to the driver, so easy!). The buses were fairly straightforward, although sometimes there was a really long wait. Tourists might want to stay in the thick of things by Harbor East or in Fells Point, which is the most happening for night life. We walked through Fells Point one busy Saturday night and felt very cool and then we kept on walking towards home where we played Settlers of Catan (I’m like a very cool person). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So it was a quick trip to Baltimore, but even with a few days we could see that it is far from the hellscape that assclown would tell you it is. Yeah we walked through some sketchy neighborhoods and you should be careful where you walk at night, and yes there are issues that need to be addressed. But that’s the same for Philly, for London, for really anywhere. Writing off an entire city because it has problems, instead of talking about how to address them, is some ignorant bullshirt. Visiting such a city and contributing to its economy may be a helpful move for us regular people, who don’t have the power to fix everything and yet fix nothing, to make. If you have the chance to visit Baltimore, you really should. And please tell me all the delicious (vegan) things you eat! And sing all the musical theatre songs that relate to your visit! (More about that on my instagram stories! Link at the top of the page.)<\/p>\n\n\n

Don’t forget to read about L’Eau de Vie!<\/strong><\/span><\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

Want more Balmore? Read about our 2016 visit! (enjoy even worse pictures!)<\/strong><\/span><\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n

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just a pretty college picture to remind you not to be as ignorant as that clown<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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