"Everyman" at the National Theatre: Worth Seeing For Chiwetel, But Disappointingby Randi / July 14, 2015
I first went to Madrid, Spain about a decade ago. During my study abroad year (in Florence), I took a whirlwind 18-hour trip to Madrid to visit one of my best friends from high school. All I had was a spare Saturday night in the middle of my insane solo spring break tour of Spain (it was insane because it was solo, not because I went clubbing in Barcelona because I didn’t) and so hopped over to Madrid for dinner with my friend, then sleep, and then a first-in-line sprint through the Prado.
This year, I visited for the second time, and luckily was able to almost triple the length of time spent in this glorious city! That is, a regular weekend. We were there for two main reasons: to see Audra McDonald in concert (can’t break my 15-year streak of seeing her live every year!) and to eat at a Michelin-starred restaurant. (The latter will come in the next post.) But Madrid is such a fun, cosmopolitan, modern city that we barely had enough time to cover the basics.
This year, I visited for the second time, and luckily was able to almost triple the length of time spent in this glorious city! That is, a regular weekend. We were there for two main reasons: to see Audra McDonald in concert (can’t break my 15-year streak of seeing her live every year!) and to eat at a Michelin-starred restaurant. (The latter will come in the next post.) But Madrid is such a fun, cosmopolitan, modern city that we barely had enough time to cover the basics.
This time, we went in the middle of winter, which in London is blah, nothing really compared to the East Coast blizzards, and so we assumed that Spain of all places would be even warmer. Well. It was not. I think it was colder than our trip to northern Sweden. Okay it probably wasn’t but it felt like it because it felt so wrong! I mean you think Spain, you think Peeny Lopay in shorts and sunglasses. Oh man it was cold. Anyway, we had a short list of must-check vegan-friendly spots, museums, and churreria. (That’s the word for a place that sells churros! We learn so much on this blog!)
First thing, I must confess that whenever I am in Spain (or around Spanish speaking people, or watching Episode 2 of ‘Community’), this is playing on a loop in my head:
First thing, I must confess that whenever I am in Spain (or around Spanish speaking people, or watching Episode 2 of ‘Community’), this is playing on a loop in my head:
(Crying.) ME LLAMO ELLIOTT! HOLA JUAN. HOLA ESTEBAN. DONDE ESTA LA BIBLIOTECA?
One of my favorite things about European cities is that almost all feature some random adorable statue or site. My favorite in Madrid is this bear statue (it’s the BEAR show!) and the bear is kissing a tree. I mean. IT’S SO CUTE. Here I am in front of it trying to open my eyes in the freezing wind. (It took a lot of shots to get one where my eyes are open. Who knew I’d need ski goggles in España.) Apparently this statue is the most famous symbol of Madrid! Didn’t know! Cool! It’s called El Oso y El Madroño (The Bear & the Strawberry Tree), and the bear is actually eating the strawberries, not kissing the tree, but I like my interpretation better because I am a treehugger. Cute little bear! You can find this statue at Puerta de Sol. Ha yeah right. Sol.
I was delighted to see a poster for a demonstration against the use of animals in the circus — I think I’m reading that correctly. Unfortunately, it was more than a month past, but cool! Good job Madrid animal activists!
Now, everyone will tell you to go to the Prado Museum when you are in Madrid. I am okay with that. The Prado is a very nice museum with very important arts. However, I’m pretty sure you should stop there. The Reina Sofia made me angry. With a name like that, I expected refined arts, but it was more like insane modern arts. There was one room that was all computer keyboards and equipment and stuff. Just like out on tables. I don’t get. Reina Sofia does have Picasso’s Guernica, so that is worth seeing, although it’s kind of horrifying.
Among the museums we visited, I was struck by some truly haunting works. I don’t normally condone taking pictures in museums (even if it’s allowed, it’s still weird. Like, better pictures exist than what you are taking with your phone), but I had to remember some of this weird stuff and discuss how weird it is. Also, I took pictures of all the paintings with puppies, because you can’t stop me. My comments are in the captions.
Now, everyone will tell you to go to the Prado Museum when you are in Madrid. I am okay with that. The Prado is a very nice museum with very important arts. However, I’m pretty sure you should stop there. The Reina Sofia made me angry. With a name like that, I expected refined arts, but it was more like insane modern arts. There was one room that was all computer keyboards and equipment and stuff. Just like out on tables. I don’t get. Reina Sofia does have Picasso’s Guernica, so that is worth seeing, although it’s kind of horrifying.
Among the museums we visited, I was struck by some truly haunting works. I don’t normally condone taking pictures in museums (even if it’s allowed, it’s still weird. Like, better pictures exist than what you are taking with your phone), but I had to remember some of this weird stuff and discuss how weird it is. Also, I took pictures of all the paintings with puppies, because you can’t stop me. My comments are in the captions.
This worm guy who is all nose is DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF, correct??? 
Creepy pedo is like “LOOK HOW LOVELY MY FOOT IS!” And Charlie (of the Chocolate Factory) is like gimme a break, dad. 
100% this is the creepiest f-ing guy to ever be in any art, ever. What a creepster! That face is the face of an unapologetic felon. |
JANE FONDA WITH AN ADORABLE LITTLE PUPPY!!!! I was staring at this one for like an hour. PUPPIEEEE! With JANE FONDA! WTF! 
Little doggy!!!! 
“Check out this tiny lamb sitting on the book on my shoulder.” “Sorry, I’m a little distracted by the one-foot-tall priest between our feet. Did you invite him?” |
What was my favorite piece of art that I saw in Madrid? Obviously the Bob Esponja poster! Husband and I are still saying ‘Bob Esponja!’ much too frequently. Also, is Antonio Banderas the voice of Spongebob??? That can’t be. So what is he doing with top billing? So confused. No, not confused. Intrigued.
Honestly? With only two real days in Madrid, all we had time to do was a bunch of museums (of which you have been treated to their masterpieces above), a lot of cold strolling, and some great food. The next two blog posts will cover two restaurants specifically, one basic (I mean that in the current use of the word. I think. I don’t really get it.) and one epic, but let’s look at a few treats now.
Honestly? With only two real days in Madrid, all we had time to do was a bunch of museums (of which you have been treated to their masterpieces above), a lot of cold strolling, and some great food. The next two blog posts will cover two restaurants specifically, one basic (I mean that in the current use of the word. I think. I don’t really get it.) and one epic, but let’s look at a few treats now.
First, if you are vegan, you want green juice, right? Because that’s all we drink! No but I love green juice. So we stayed at the Hotel Preciados at Plaza Santo Domingo, which was very nice but our room was tiny. Like tiiiiny. But they had green apples at reception which is okay. I don’t like green apples but I do like free apples. The best part of this hotel was that right next door (well next 4 doors) was a juice bar! Whee!! It was called Juicy Avenue and the menu unfortunately hyped the greener juices as the ‘Juicy Detox’ section, but I will give them a soft pass for maybe a language barrier. Lord knows i have one. So the juices were pretty good! The lady working the morning shift didn’t speak English and couldn’t help me with translations but I think we did okay. It helped that the names seemed to be in English, while the ingredients were in Spanish. And most words are easy to figure out. Yay juice!
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Next, if you have ever heard Spanish words, I’m sure you have heard of patatas bravas. I’m pretty sure it means brave little potaters. This staple dish consists of fried potatoes in a spicy tomato sauce. As is, it is usually vegan. Hooray! And it’s also addictive. Who doesn’t love spicy fried potatoes? You can get these at most tapas places. There are a few big food markets around Madrid, mostly with fish and meat vendors, but I always managed to find someone selling patatas bravas.
It was also pretty easy to find vegan snacks in random storefronts. We randomly found these delicious empanadas and some sort of stuffed bread that were marked as ‘vegana’ in a deli we stopped in to buy water. It was called ‘deliGatessen’ and was such a treat to discover!
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Lastly, the most important thing to eat in Madrid/anywhere in Spain/anywhere you are is churros! Fried dough sticks! Churros themselves are usually vegan. I mean, it’s sticks of dough deep-fried in oil and then covered in sugar. That’s as vegan as it gets. Madrid’s most famous churreria is Chocolateria San Gines, and it’s worth paying a visit. It’s always packed, I think open round the clock, and they have fast service down to a science. As best as I could communicate, I figured out that their churros are vegan. However, as is usually the case, the chocolate sauce is not. Churros doused with cinnamon and sugar are usually pretty good though. DOUBLE however, if you go to San Gines, make sure you know how to ask in Spanish for no chocolate sauce but YES sugar and cinnamon. You have to specify; I did not know. I got plain fried dough. No sugar. It was really sad. (And made me feel very sick and icky!)
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Churros? More like Sad-o’s. I’ll work on it. |
Sooo, that’s pretty much how we spent a weekend in Madrid, minus the most important parts. As we already discussed, the major reason was seeing Audra the Queen of Everything in concert. QUEEN. Oh crap, now every time I say the word ‘queen’ I hear Jada saying it. Here is a picture of me in my balcony seat at the gorgeous Teatro Real.
No, the cold wind wasn’t blowing in here as well; it’s just that 9 pictures out of 10 my eyes will be closed. Life.
The OTHER major reason for our weekend trip was to eat at a super-insanely-special restaurant that will be posted soon! Make sure to check for that because it was epic. And make sure that, if you go to Madrid, to go for more than 18 hours or just one weekend because it is a great city. And the more time you spend there, the higher your chances of seeing Peeny and Javy.
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Austin Withdrawal Is Rough, Y’all, So I Made ‘Burritos’
A week ago, I was in Austin, Texas, for the third and supposedly-final-but-I don’t-believe-it Vida Vegan Con. Well, actually, a week ago I was landing at Heathrow but that eastbound overnight flight is like two days long and there’s a time change and I don’t even know what day it is today so let’s just say a week ago. Anyway, Vida Vegan Con was amazing. I was a speaker (see the badge on the homepage like rightthere?), sharing all my important knowledge about the law that bloggers need to know. (If you have questions about legal issues you can ask me but remember I’m not your lawyer unless you pay me and sign shit but we can work that out.) I will be writing about this incredible experience and the supportive community it assembles and strengthens more in upcoming posts. Today, we gotta talk about the food. Well, one kind of food: stuff stuffed into tortillas.
That’s actually on a plate; the plate just happened to be exactly tortilla-sized.
Austin is the taco capital of America, possibly the world because a) it’s a mecca for vegan taco establishments and b) the Taco Cleanse was created there. I ate a lot of tacos. One night, I asked my friend what I should eat for dinner, x or tacos, and she was like, “Get x because you’ve had a lot of tacos”, and I was horrified at the thought of having something besides tacos. So that is a good way to make a decision: have someone suggest not having tacos and you’ll realize you want tacos. Phoebe should add that to the ‘North route or South route’ game, x or tacos. Ball of twine or beard of bees.*
Anyway, it’s been over a week (#honesty) since I had tacos in Texas, and that’s enough time for withdrawal symptoms, y’all, I’m saying in my southern drawl obviously. So today I thought, I’m gonna make spicy beans and other crap and put it in a tortilla and feel like I’m in Austin again, even though today I wore a SWEATER and a JACKET outside and was still very chilly and it’s June ffs. I was so windswept and ready to call my outside time that I bought giant burrito-sized tortillas instead of taco-sized tortillas, and they weren’t even corn. Hey, I live in the City, I have limited options given how far I am willing/able to wander before getting lost. (Hint: not very far.) But the giant tortillas I found happened to be Ezekiel’s sprouted grain shebangs, which I love, so that’s good.
Still, we know right off the bat that my taco plan wasn’t going to end up as tacos. Hey, you fail to plan, you know what they say, you make an ass of us. I figured with the giant tortillas, I could make a burrito, even though I’m awful/awesome at wrapping such things because I overstuff them beyond what you thought was possible. And I’m not an authentic cooker of this cuisine in the least: to quote Lucy, “I not a Mexican!”* But it was still going to be delicious, and doggonit, it was.
Anyway, it’s been over a week (#honesty) since I had tacos in Texas, and that’s enough time for withdrawal symptoms, y’all, I’m saying in my southern drawl obviously. So today I thought, I’m gonna make spicy beans and other crap and put it in a tortilla and feel like I’m in Austin again, even though today I wore a SWEATER and a JACKET outside and was still very chilly and it’s June ffs. I was so windswept and ready to call my outside time that I bought giant burrito-sized tortillas instead of taco-sized tortillas, and they weren’t even corn. Hey, I live in the City, I have limited options given how far I am willing/able to wander before getting lost. (Hint: not very far.) But the giant tortillas I found happened to be Ezekiel’s sprouted grain shebangs, which I love, so that’s good.
Still, we know right off the bat that my taco plan wasn’t going to end up as tacos. Hey, you fail to plan, you know what they say, you make an ass of us. I figured with the giant tortillas, I could make a burrito, even though I’m awful/awesome at wrapping such things because I overstuff them beyond what you thought was possible. And I’m not an authentic cooker of this cuisine in the least: to quote Lucy, “I not a Mexican!”* But it was still going to be delicious, and doggonit, it was.
SPICY LENTIL AND MISO TEMPEH TACO/BURRITO/NONSENSE POCKET
For overstuffing into this wondrous crackerpocket, we have an awesome spicy green lentil and vegetable mix, miso baked tempeh, a grain, a lettuce, and spiralized zucchini. Make it all or whatever. We don’t have avocado because eating what’s sold as avocado in England so soon after eating the most incredible avocados in south Texas sounds like a terrible thing to do for one’s mental stability.
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FIRST: Miso Baked Tempeh Ingredients:
Directions:
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I used jarred minced ginger and garlic for this because I got better shit to do, y’all. Also my knives are dull. 
Glamour shot 
The light in my kitchen is above my head so no matter where I stand I cast a shadow. It’s a cruel thing. Also how cute is my Qatari oven mitt? |
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SECOND: Spicy Green Lentils
Ingredients:
Directions:
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This big zucchini fucker rolled off the counter, before I had the good sense to put it on a towel, and rolled right onto my foot, building up momentum on that long fall and it hurt so freaking much. Damn you zucchini. I ate you. 
Stir it upppp 
I am so good at this |
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THIRD: Make a grain
Ingredients:
Directions:
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It’s so good with vegan butter even though it’s not Earth Balance. |
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FOURTH: Spiralize Zucchini
God I love this machine. I must give thanks to Jojo for giving me her unused spiralizer, even though she supported my eventual move to Britain for years and years and then the day THE DAY I finally moved here, she decided to “travel professionally” i.e. leave me on this island without her. THANKS DUDE. (No but really thanks.) |
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ASSEMBLE! Get your giant tortilla or normal sized ones if you are making tacos, and layer all the components like so:
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That’s the coolest photographic thing I’ve ever done. Yay. It’s like the Brady Bunch but for Mexican food. Anyway build it up, add too much of each filling like I do, add avocado if you live in the right place, add cilantro if you remember to buy it, add a cheese sauce maybe. I added some leftover hummus dressing (hummus dressing = watery hummus, btw) and a bit of the Parma! vegan parmesan that came in the Vida Vegan Con Swag Bag O’ Wonder (pictured)! That was such a great little kick.
So then came the best part, when I tried to wrap it up. Um. Because they are imported, Ezekiel wraps and breads are only available frozen in the UK, so I had to heat it in the oven. Do you know what happens to an Ezekiel sprouted grain wrap 15 seconds after it is out of the oven? It hardens. Into a cracker. Oops. No wrapping up for you, mister! The only thing I could do was just fold it over into a giant hard taco sort of thing and you know what, I think I like it better that way. More chance of things falling out, like some sort of game!
So then came the best part, when I tried to wrap it up. Um. Because they are imported, Ezekiel wraps and breads are only available frozen in the UK, so I had to heat it in the oven. Do you know what happens to an Ezekiel sprouted grain wrap 15 seconds after it is out of the oven? It hardens. Into a cracker. Oops. No wrapping up for you, mister! The only thing I could do was just fold it over into a giant hard taco sort of thing and you know what, I think I like it better that way. More chance of things falling out, like some sort of game!
I don’t even know what that metal spike is. I didn’t have a toothpick, not that that would have been strong enough to hold this monster together. But seriously, what is that piece of metal from…
If you follow me on Instagram (link at top), you saw that when I finished this monster, the end fell apart and I dropped it onto the plate AND IT WAS THE BAT SIGNAL! APPARENTLY I AM A VEGAN SUPERHERO. Prettayyyy cool.
*as usual with things that are asterisked in my posts: if you understand a reference or a joke or a quote and you comment that you get it, you get bonus points for any giveaways I do. If you attended my VVC talk, you know that the type of giveaway I always choose to run is a ‘contest’, because I like judging and winning on merit, not chance.
New Orleans Travel Guide: Who Dat?
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA
This is not Disney World! I’ve never been there.
WHO DAT!
My boyfriend I mean my fiance I mean my husband! and I finally made it to New Orleans! As some of you know, we were supposed to go to the Big Easy Apple Patch in January, but that ridiculously crazy ice storm back in January 2014 that destroyed Atlanta and Mississippi also closed all roads leading into NOLA. Here’s a really scary picture we took as we “drove” (slowly glided) through the streets of ice in Brookhaven, Mississippi as we tried to find shelter. Petrifying.
My boyfriend I mean my fiance I mean my husband! and I finally made it to New Orleans! As some of you know, we were supposed to go to the Big Easy Apple Patch in January, but that ridiculously crazy ice storm back in January 2014 that destroyed Atlanta and Mississippi also closed all roads leading into NOLA. Here’s a really scary picture we took as we “drove” (slowly glided) through the streets of ice in Brookhaven, Mississippi as we tried to find shelter. Petrifying.
Seriously, I hope this experience has taught the south about salt trucks.
So that trip didn’t happen, but then we decided to get married so we could go to New Orleans for a mini honeymoon/’wee agavemoon’! Yay!!! I got scared that maybe the universe didn’t want us to ever get there, especially after we had a flight delay, but we got there and we loved it SO HAH UNIVERSE.
Our mini honeymoon in New Orleans started off kind of hilariously (mostly awfully) as we laughed at this sign in the cab (at right). Like…did you have to specify that it’s a crime to kill a cab driver? Do the type of people who normally go to New Orleans not realize that cab drivers are people too, and that killing anyone is wrong? I don’t know why but we found this hilarious. Also, we loved the “may be first degree murder”, not “is first degree murder”, because of course, what if the cab driver attacks and you retaliate in self-defense? Or like if he is driving while sleeping with your wife so it’s heat-of-passion manslaughter? Likely story.
Anyway! We had scoured TripAdvisor for the past few months to make sure that our hotel choice, the Bourbon Orleans right in the heart of the French Quarter, was a good one. It seemed like a good fit: perfect location, had a pool (that we didn’t use), room looked swanky. And, the most important, it had water and unsweetened tea dispensers in the lobby all day and night!
Anyway! We had scoured TripAdvisor for the past few months to make sure that our hotel choice, the Bourbon Orleans right in the heart of the French Quarter, was a good one. It seemed like a good fit: perfect location, had a pool (that we didn’t use), room looked swanky. And, the most important, it had water and unsweetened tea dispensers in the lobby all day and night!
Heaven! This is my heaven!
So we got there hours after check-in time, but our room wasn’t ready. The not-so-nice lady didn’t even apologize or give a reason, just said it wasn’t ready. So we waited, but after about 35 minutes, I was steaming. I went up to the desk, talked to a man and said UMMM WHADDAFOCK? (effectively) He apologized and then looked down at his computer while I was standing there and I was thinking like…um…do I leave now? But then he looked up and said he found us a different room that was ready, that we could have for no extra charge “if we wanted” – a TWO-FLOOR suite with an enormous corner balcony overlooking the famous St. Louis cathedral. I mean, hot damn. Yes please.
The first floor! 
The second floor! 
Our enorme’ balcony |
How excited am I 
I don’t normally like sharing bathroom photos, but this shower had a half door just like they do in London! So ridic! Our wraparound balcony could have hosted a party for the entire town! We didn’t spend much time out there, unfortunately, because hot air rises. August in New Orleans is hella hot! The locals we talked to were like, yeah we take 4 showers a day. Ahh!
After just a few hours in the city, we realized the ubiquity of ‘Who Dat’. I mean, I knew maybe that it was a thing they said about the New Orleans Saints, but apparently it’s more than that. People just say Who Dat about everything. Like this sign: |
whaaaaaa?
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Also, this has no context but it was my favorite thing! It’s a tree covered in bead necklaces and it just makes me happy! |
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One night, after we ate two dinners (which you can read about tomorrow in the New Orleans food guide!), we walked through the old towne (with an ‘e’ obviously) and wandered into one of the many hot sauce & praline shoppes (with a ‘pe’ obviously). This store had hundreds of hot sauce bottles set up for testing, along with baskets of chips. I casually tried a couple, not really looking at the bottles or reading signs, mostly because I love tortilla chips (I hate potato chips but corn chips? Gimme I got it). Ya know, just casual, eating some chips…and then I started feeling like my body was imploding. I looked down to see if I was still in one piece or if somehow my abdomen had been disappeared, and then I looked up and around with eyes wide with fear. Whatttttt waaaaaaassssssssss happeningggggggggg tooooo meeeeeeeeeeee! This man about my age came up to me and asked, “Hey…um…which one did you have?” I pointed to the green bottle in the back and only then did I realize that it had WAIVER FORMS in front of it.
It was the NAGA JOLOKIA, aka the Ghost Pepper, aka the Bhutan poison chili aka the hottest pepper not only in the store but ON EARTH! And I just ate it because I like chips! I mean. Wow. Husband was like WHAT THE HELL OMG HAHAHAHA. And then it started pouring rain and even though I was wearing a white dress I dawdled outside with my mouth open. Before that point in my life, I had never cried without producing tears or moving my face, but somehow, that night, I did.
We strolled a bit so I could regain consciousness, but strolling around aimlessly is the best thing to do in a new city anyway! You get a feel for it – and you learn how to get to your hotel. Once I recovered, we went to CVS for some supplies and saw this hilarious lineup of goods:
The fridge only had wine |
Chocolate wine! Barfolomew! |
Tell me again why I didn’t get these? |
AMERICA.
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The mighty Mississippi!
One early ass morning, we took a National Park Service walking tour that mostly shared information about NOLA’s birth and early development. I love taking walking tours to show you a different part of the city that you may not have discovered yet, and of course to learn! (Of course I don’t really remember what I learned, except that they lied a bunch to get people to move there.) I highly suggest taking this free walking tour, but get there early as they do cap the group at around 10 people (so fance). We had trouble finding the right meeting spot – there are six sites of the Jean Lafitte National Historical Park (everything in this region is called Lafitte because he was a pirate and New Orleans loves Johnny Depp). The right spot to meet is 419 Decatur St.
After that, we checked out the inside of the St. Louis Cathedral instead of just looking at it from our sick balcony. It was a lovely church but the view from the outside, with its fantastic green space in front, is better. I mean once you’ve seen the Vatican you are kind of ruined for regular churches.
Oh look this is a church a what a church
The plaque says “Allison ‘Big Chief Tootie’ Montana”. I liked that the male chief’s name was Allison and he probably didn’t get any flack from idiots. Yay unisex names! |
We also walked through Louis Armstrong Park in the Treme (not just a tv show), which apparently you aren’t supposed to visit at night, or alone. This park is the home of Congo Square, the place where slaves would congregate on Sundays, their day off, and play music and dance.
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MUSIC! (and the alcohol that apparently goes with it)
One night, way past my bedtime, we made our way to the well-known and awesome bar d.b.a. to see the well-known and AWESOME Glen David Andrews band. Oh man was this guy an entertainer extraordinaire! First of all, the bar itself was a superb venue (at least compared to where we were the following night). It seemed clean for a bar, it was roomy, and it had quite a sophisticated bar menu. Second, Glen was such a fun, crazy guy, and he works his ass off to entertain you. We are still laughing because the band performed the most hilarious songs – one about how they would ‘make that mo***f****’ shake (that mofo in question? The headboard), a lotttt about his ex-wife, who is apparently the worrrrrst, and best of all, my favorite thing to come out of NOLA, my favorite new song of the summer – one that went “I will I will I will I will I will MELT YO ASS LIKE BUTTER!” oh my god we were dying, and singing that nonstop for the following…eternity.
The saxophone player was the most impressive I’ve ever seen, not that I’ve ever really paid attention to the instrument before, no matter how hard Duke Silver tries to sway me. Every bit he played felt like a spotlight solo. Just a fantastic performance that made me forget how late I was up. This was the musical highlight of my week, and the cover was only $5! If you are ever in NOLA, I am pretty sure that Glen and his band play at d.b.a. every Monday.
The second night (we saw music every day!) we went closer to the West Bank (not that one) for the Maple Leaf Bar, a very Tulane kids bar, for a concert by Grammy-winning brass band Rebirth. They play big, loud, jazzy…brass band music, which is like paying to see a live headache. They are very talented and good but it is not my cup of tea. However, I may have been biased because the crowd was from hell. I hate college kids. Oh my god. I hated college kids when I was one. This was like a room full of every awful stereotype, so much drinking and pushing and shoving and being dumb. Ugh! I wish I had a mirror for them that showed their future selves looking reproachfully at them, in order to make them take stock of their shitty behavior. The best part about this show, however, was that famous NOLA artist Frenchy, with a canvas set up right behind where I was standing, was documenting the scene in a crazy cool painting that he will probably sell for many thousands of dollars while an angel sings “Beauty School Dropout” to him.
“Do you see how cool this is!”
Another night, we took the ferry (yay ferry!) across the Mississippi River to Algiers Point to see the Iguanas play, plus a special guest I’m sorry I can’t remember. They were decent entertainment, but the real draw was the location itself. Algiers Point is a big open spot of land that every Wednesday hosts pretty much the entire local community, with lots of food trucks and drinks tables set up. It really seemed like every local was there, with entire families and babies and so many dogs! There was such a good communal vibe and a friendly relaxed atmosphere, with everyone sitting on chairs or blankets they brought.
Our last night we went to the very famous Lafitte’s, where only candles are used for light in the entire place (no electrical lights, hence no pictures came out!). This old-fashioned décor creates a dreamy relaxed vibe (or maybe the darkness just made me tired). A pianist played right near our table, and she was pretty great to listen to, if not for her vocal health (you can still smoke in bars here, I think she has inhaled too much secondary smoke) then at least for her song selection. It’s definitely a must, not only for this atmosphere, but because they are the famous makers of the Hurricane, New Orlean’s most famous alcoholic concoction. Lafitte’s isn’t the original creator of the Hurricane but it is supposedly the perfecter. I can’t say because it tasted like alcohol. It’s a potent mix of rum and syrup, grenadine, or fruit juice. Some kind of highly concentrated sugar. We shared one and I stomached maybe 4 sips. My favorite thing at Lafitte’s though was our friend’s PURPLE DRANK. Oh my god Purple Drank is the most hilarious thing ever. It is a frozen…purple drink… that tastes EXACTLY like Dimetapp. Did you take Dimetapp when you were sick as a kid? It’s like grape flavored but in the artificial way that is really more purple than grape? Well, Purple Drank is like a Dimetapp slushee. It’s HILARIOUS. I’m not exaggerating when I say it was exactly like the cough medicine. Oh my goodness it’s so funny. If I didn’t know better, I would say that each drank is a bottle of Dimetapp blended with ice. I mean it could be, I don’t know better.
BAYOU AND PLANTATION TOURS
Sonofagun, we’ll have big fun on the bayou
On our last full day in NOLA, we stole a car and drove about an hour out of town to take a boat tour on the bayou. We went with Jean Lafitte’s Swamp Tours. (We originally had booked a time with Honey Island Tours, but we weren’t going to make it so we called to cancel our booking – three hours before the time – yet they still charged our credit card for it. Not cool bitches.) It was fun to see all the alligators – so many! – but the tour guide was not my fave. (He talked a lot about hunting and other not nice things.) But, a bayou tour is still a definite if you have the time. It took about 2 hours. It’s cool to see all the wildlife in the area. And, funnily enough, on our tour we passed a good amount of set pieces from “NCIS: New Orleans”, which we also saw filming outside our hotel one day! We didn’t see any famous people, but we did see one of their like male-top-half mannequin bodies floating in the bayou. Now that was kind of freaky at first, to say the least.
It’s a turtle! |
There’s a gator! 
Lots of gators! |
After the boat tour, we drove another hour and change to Laura Plantation. Originally, I felt weird to be touring a site of so much torture and suffering, but we chose Laura because reviews said they devote at least half the time to talking honestly about slavery. So, like all terrible historic sites, it was a great learning experience and it felt important to see. Our tour guide was really likeable and knowledgeable, and she struck the proper tone, sharing serious information but having everyone enjoy their visit. We learned about the owning family, and how some of them seemed like good people but then some were truly truly evil. We walked around slave quarters and were told that, despite all the wars and the fighting, the plantation was still operating almost exactly as it was in the 1800s – until 1977. How is that even possible? That is so disturbing and soul-crushing. What the hell. We also learned that despite the result of the Civil War and subsequent legislation, nothing really changed on any plantation. Oh man. I don’t even have words. How is this shit even possible? Ughh people STOP BEING RACIST. It’s shattering to realize that people who still perpetrate racist criminal activity are never really punished themselves. The tragedy and subsequent activity in Ferguson was happening while we were here, and it really brought to light how much work still has to be done. Those cops, probably all of them and all of their superiors, should be in jail for what they did and continue to do. But probably nothing will happen to them. It’s a terribly shitty world and we have to do what we can to make it better, as much as we can. So be nice to people, go vegan, &c.
ANYWAY, there were some bright spots on the tour, including the fact that the stories of Bre’r Rabbit came from this plantation, from the slaves who created the stories to entertain and teach the children. They also had these SUPER ridiculous books in the gift shop. I still can’t get over them:
WHO DAT! 
SERIAL KILLER FACE FFS. |
THE CHILDREN’S EDITION. 
WHY IS SHE DRESSED AS THE DEVIL? ON THE COVER???? |
Seriously, do you see how creepy this kid’s face is in the Kiss me I’m Cajun tee? THIS IS THE COVER OF A COOKBOOK FFS! And the devil costume! I can’t even.
Down the road from Laura is the plantation used to film “12 Years A Slave”! How crazy! It wasn’t open for visitation before the movie, but now it is. We drove by and took a picture.
Car window shot lol
New Orleans is a really fun place to visit. Bourbon Street is full of debauchery and drunken naked people even at 10am. But when you get away from those few blocks, the city has so much great culture, art, music, and of course food – which we will cover the rest of this week! – to offer. The last place we visited was the famous Saint Louis Cemetery, which is filled with interesting stories, from voodoo queens to Nicholas Cage. That’s right, the actor Nicholas Cage built himself a tomb a few years ago in this cemetery because he loves New Orleans and wants to be buried there. How creepy is that!!! I leave you with his tomb, which has a plaque covered in actual lipstick kisses.
Nicholas Cage’s tomb
