'Onegin' at the Bolshoi Ballet: So Amazing I Want to be a Ballerina Just For Thisby Randi / January 25, 2018
After our lovely time in Volgograd, we had to return to Moscow in order to get into Eastern Europe (to Kyiv, Ukraine). If you look at a map (or the map above how bout), you’ll notice that it’s a sharp backwards turn to go Volgograd-Moscow-Kyiv (it’s the part of the map that is like an A) and kind of silly when Volgograd to Kyiv directly would save hours and hours and make a lot more sense. But guess what’s happening on that route? CRIMEA. Can’t go through there! Ever since the Russian Federation annexed Crimea (in March 2014), pro-Russian protests in the region escalated to armed conflict between the separatist forces and the Ukrainian government. Thousands of people are fighting still and it’s very dangerous. Russia is, as uzh, very cagey about everything bad it’s doing, and it deny its presence in the region almost as often as it confirms that ‘military specialists’ are there. Russia is real trouble and we didn’t want to reward its terribleness with more tourism money spent there, but we had no choice so back to Moscow we went.
WELLLLLCOMEEEEE WELCOME TO MOSKVA
It was a pretty long train considering how close Volgograd and Moscow look to each other when you’re looking at the rest of the freaking inordinately enormous country. But the overnight train still was about 18 hours! Faaaack this country is TOO BIG. We didn’t get to buy out the other beds in our cabin this time because it was WAY too expensive to do that, like incredibly so, much more than we would ever consider and more than it cost to do it at other points in our trip. We found out soon enough why buying out the cabin was prohibitively expensive: IT WAS THE NICEST TRAIN EVER! omg! Just like when we trained to Moscow the first time, so I guess only the nicest trains go into Moscow. Holy crap, you can’t even. I couldn’t even! It was so nice I almost cried. I guess when you are on a train route named #001 you can expect it to be special.
The seats/beds were a shiny, super clean red leather (assuming it was pleather), and everything was spotless. There was a very new TV over the window and we watched some SHIT that night! Like really really bad movies, the kinds whose rights are cheap enough to obtain for a Russian overnight train, that kind of bad. There were outlets by every bed, along with personal safes! Whaaaat! A meal was included in the ticket (nothing vegan but picked at the sides, but still, surprise free food!). There were toothbrush kits and slippers and WATER BOTTLES. It was heaven. Luckily, no one joined us in our cabin until the middle of the night. I mean not SO luckily considering we were already asleep but hey it’s better than having strangers around while we were hysterically laughing at the TV.
I CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM MY WINDOW
I can’t remember the name of one particular terrible movie we watched, but I do remember how I felt watching it, because Z took a picture of me hysterically crying. From laughing. It’s the most embarrassing picture of me ever so I am not going to share that with you but I will share the picture of the thing I was crying at:
Yeah it’s a baby in a slightly too big snowsuit, and I thought it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, apparently, because I cry-laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe, and for a while too. Z was flabbergasted, he (like most humans I am sure) just could NOT understand what I found so funny. I don’t know it was just amazing! Maybe I was just delirious from being on an actually nice, clean train. No it’s just adorable too.
We arrived in Moscow the next morning pretty well rested, but not very clean. We needed to shower! Problem: We were only in the city until our next train that evening. We had only the day, so we did not book any lodging. Unfortunately, the train station we arrived in in Moscow did not have showers. So we found a nearby hostel, maybe 10 minutes walk away, and asked if we could pay to use the showers. We offered to pay the price of a dorm bed, which you’d think they would be happy to accept, right? The money for a bed but without actually losing the bed? Just ten minutes of water? It was SO difficult to get through what we actually wanted. JUST A SHOWER. THAT’S IT. No room, no bed. OH my god we waited by the front desk for AGES while the very young very notsmart employees discussed what on earth was happening. Luckily someone finally got it and agreed so we showered, one at a time, the other guarding our luggage in a hallway. It was super awkward but better than being dirty. Of course our towels then had to be packed up wet which is gross but we didn’t really need them anymore!
Finally clean, finally ready to explore Moscow once again…except we didn’t really have anything left on our list! We had seen all the museums and important buildings and sights and stuff a few months ago! I know, months – can you believe it? It was kind of like coming home after all the crazy world we had seen, albeit a home where you don’t feel safe sooo. Anyway, what should we do? First order of business? GUM. Of course! Remember that’s ‘goom’, not like the stuff you chew, but the most famous Russian department store in Red Square. It’s super fancy with all the luxury stores but they do have the best, cheapest ice cream (for Husband) and that’s the first thing he wanted. And I was eager to go to the main floor’s fancy grocery store and pick up a few fun ingredients to bring home (we were at the point in our trip when we could buy and lug around souvenirs!!). Unfortunately, a televised event was happening on the main floor that day, so the grocery and well nigh everything on the main floor was cordoned off except for fancy people with VIP badges. Mad face.
We watched the happenings from the second floor landings for a while, bemoaning the fact that our fancy store was being kept from us. Or vice versa, really. But it was all worth it when the f-ing Von Trapp family started singing Russian folk songs.
IT WAS THE BEST! So much fun! I would have joined them if I knew the folksongs and if it didn’t look so g-d embarrassing. I’m surprised Putin lets such gaiety occur in public places. This happened to be Rosh Hashanah (which OF COURSE I said all day was ‘Russia shana’ not that you could tell when speaking but hey now you know!) so I pretended it was for that. Merry New Year!
My next order of business (my only real plan for Moscow) was to return to Fresh, the vegetarian cafe, for lunch. I was SO pumped for a big fun salad! Fresh wasn’t as good as I remembered, or as I had built up in my mind; after three months in central Asia I guess the dream of these amazing vegan salads had gotten too big to be matched by any reality. Still good, still good!
We were really hungry and who knows when we would ever get back to Fresh or Moscow so we over-ordered as we do. We got this awesome salad with marinated tofu, sweet potato, goji berries and a seed and sprout mix, plus two burgers. I got the avocado burger which didn’t say anything about being one-sided bun-wise, but came without a top half. I was kind of mad but our waiter sucked so I didn’t say anything. Who leaves off the top bun? It’s not even open-faced just lacking. It tasted really great though. The cheese sauce was RG.
We also had the BBQ burger, which comes with garlic mayo, banana chilies, and best of all onion rings! On the burger! (And also a top half of the bun.) We also got a side order of onion rings because when do you ever seen vegan onion rings?
We also had a few juices and smoothies, which are fine at Fresh but nothing special. Way too expensive for the amount you get and not cold enough. But overall, it was a great lunch, the best in ages, and almost worth the time and money spent for this necessary backtracking.
Across the street from Fresh is a fancy little grocery store that has a TON of vegan milks. They also have a bakery case and I saw that they had a vegan cannoli in there!
As you can see, it says ‘raw vegan’ on the vegan desserts, including the cannoli. I was too excited in the prospect of an unexpected vegan dessert (and a cannoli at that!) that I momentarily lost my mind and forgot how disappointing raw desserts usually are. Ughhhhhh I mean it was fiiine but like, for a nut-and-date bar. I want to go to Philly, buy Vegan Treats cannolis (incredible), and go back to this shoppe and be like “I need to speak to the manager and the baker. Here, try these and learn from your terrible mistakes. Do not make them again. Also give me those cannolis back you only get a bite are you kidding me?”
After GUM and lunch were finished with, we honestly just walked around town all day! It was nice to not have to do anything in particular, although we felt a little weird not having a plan. And it was a lot colder than it was the last time we were in town! We had to wear all our clothes Joey-style.
We were gone so long it became fall! Moscow tries to butter you up with sights like this but then a foot away was a police barricade.
Well, we did have one thing on our list – buying souvenirs! Matryioshka, in particular – I had to get those Russian nesting dolls for everyone! This was indeed the best part of getting to return here, because this way we didn’t have to buy souvenirs at the start of our trip and carry them around for 3+ months! We did lots of location scouting, and there’s this tiny souvenir shoppe INSIDE a phone store right outside Red Square, and they have the cheapest matryioshka. There are tons of shoppes and tons of the dolls, but they are weirdly very expensive for how cheaply made they are. But they know everyone visiting Moscow wants them, I guess!
Could not fit this one into my bag but ohhh how much did I want to!!! You could fit inside this one! OMG YOU WOULD BE ONE OF THE NESTING DOLLS AHHH. (Don’t mind the closed eyes, it happens in 90% of my pictures)
I also bought hilarious chocolate that we found in a grocery store. Oh man it’s probably not that funny but we found it hilarious. It’s called ‘Plan B’ and I just love the idea of this getting confused with the abortion pill, oh my goodness. We picked the funniest one of the ones on display, because it was the funniest but also because it was accidentally vegan – the one with the picture of a working woman on it, and it’s TEQUILA flavored! like to think they really meant to hammer home that working women who drink alcohol, ESPECIALLY tequila, should not have children. I also like the one with the woman searching for answers in the fridge, like ‘hmm maybe I shouldn’t procreate.’ Oh man this cracked me up. I bought the entire shelf to give to friends. I haven’t actually tried it yet but I will report back.
I also got to enjoy my first ice cream of the entire summer! It was a Tutti Frutti (not sure if it was actually the same chain as we have all over the west or if Russia just was continuing its love of trademark infringement) do-it-yourself soft-serve kinda jawn and it was FRUIT SORBET so it doesn’t REALLY count, but still, it was a decent treat after months and months without ice cream. (Luckily, we were heading soon to the vegan ice cream capital of the world….)
I wanna say I got orange flavored and grape flavored sorbet swirls. I can say for certain that those are blueberries up top
So we had a pretty fun, really random single day in Moscow. It was fun to know our way around and remember things from the real visit, and to treat this day like non-tourists, just in it for food and shopping. It still had that weird vibe that I felt before, like it’s nice and all but we’re super being watched and/or controlled by state police. Moscow is a strange city to like because of all its political issues, but we do sort of strangely like it.
Bye, Red Square, it’s been real. (Real hard to get in because of the police barricades heyoooo)
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A Day Trip to Chernobyl: Ukraine’s Infamous Disaster, Plus Dogs
Taking a tour of a disaster zone seems like it maybe would be lower down on the list of must-dos for a tourist visiting a foreign country, but when you are in Ukraine, a visit to Chernobyl is essential. This nuclear disaster from 1986 (actually, from April 25, 1986 so happy(?) anniversary) is something all of us have heard of, but few know the details about how it affected everyday people (in large part because of all the government-imposed secrecy and/or lies (‘ALLEGEDLY’)). Understanding how devastating the catastrophe was to ordinary people is difficult without seeing the damage firsthand. We hear too often about this or that terrible event that occurred here or there but when you’re removed from it, it’s hard to really grasp what happened. Visiting Chernobyl, we learned so much more about not only the disaster but about Ukraine and international politics in general than we could have otherwise. Seeing and experiencing this in person is necessary. And there is so much information about this horrible event still coming to light after years of lies and cover-ups, so a visit now is super interesting, providing a fascinating look into this sad history.
The Chernobyl disaster occurred during a safety test in the middle of the night, as ironic as that sounds. The test simulated a blackout power failure where safety systems were turned off on purpose. It is generally said that the operators performing the test were really bad at their job and they arranged the core improperly, so that a reaction occurred, and, since all the safety measures were turned off for the test, it got out of hand real fast. Like all events of this nature, there are tons of conspiracy theories floating around about what the real truth is, and though I don’t like to indulge such theorists, I must admit it is a little too convenient to blame all of this on a handful of individual workers doing their single task improperly. Anyway, there was a power surge and the attempts to shut it down added to all the power output and I want to say that water got into the core? And erupted into a steam explosion? And then a graphite fire? Firefighters tried to put it out with their normal methods but this wasn’t like a wood-burning stove, it was a freaking nuclear reaction, but they had no idea how to counter such a fire. It burned and burned for 9 days. Huge numbers of service people who tried to fight the fire ended up with radiation-caused illnesses – immediately, acute radiation syndrome and lethal doses of radiation; and longer-term, radiation-caused cancers. Many died painful, awful deaths, especially the bravest ones who had to get the closest in order to stop the flow of water into the core. These heroes were referred to as Liquidators, and approximately 600,000 such workers served in the aftermath of the explosion. That’s right, 600,000. Some organizations estimate that 60,000 (10%) died from radiation and 160,000 were disabled from it. Accurate numbers don’t really exist because of all the politics of the countries involved (and Russia pretty much refuses to honestly investigate it) so it’s safe to guess that real figures are higher. This is just one example of how the politicians involved wanted to sweep so much of what happened under the rug and refuse to tell the truth to the populace. And it’s not just the former Soviet block: As the radiation cloud blew over the USSR and Europe, France told its citizens that it was not dangerous radiation at all, outright denying that such a cloud was in their airspace, which it totally was. It’s not just Soviet dictatorships that lie to their people!
Everything about this disaster is terrifying, including how the people who lived in the surrounding area were treated. These were normal residential places, like Pripyat, a regular town that happened to have a nuclear power plant, like in The Simpsons. In the few days right after the explosion, a zone of 10 kilometers around the explosion was evacuated. The next day or so, the zone was increased to 30 kilometers, with more and more people bussed out day by day. All of these people were told that the evacuation would be for a few days only and so they didn’t need to bring any of their things. They could carry, well, only what they could carry. They were told they’d be back in their homes in a few days. In fact, none of them were ever allowed back into town, let alone into their homes, not until everything had long been destroyed at least, as we will see in this post. Eventually, as the explosion continued sending plumes of radiation into the atmosphere with no end in sight, the number of evacuees in that first year reached 135,000 people. The number would triple over the next few years.
Although the technical information about the explosion itself is what most research will talk about, the human element of all the residents whose lives were forever changed is really what a tour to Chernobyl makes you consider the most. Seeing all of the homes, the schools, the gyms, all the everyday aspects of an everyday town is more effective than anything else in showing how many people lost everything they knew before they knew it was happening. And they were the lucky ones who didn’t get exposed to lethal doses of radiation. What these residents went through is tragic and heartbreaking, and infuriating when it comes to the government.
So we had to go SEE the thing! as everyone who visits Kyiv should and does. We choked down some Cherno-bly and booked two spots on the group tour with SoloEast Travel Chernobyl Tours, the website of which features the host of Top Gear as their celebrity client, which adds to the whole ‘this is a weird thing guys’ vibe of a tourism jaunt to a nuclear disaster zone. SoloEast has great reviews so we paid the approximately $80 per person for the all-day tour. It’s a lot but it is all day and it is a reputable company that actually teaches you stuff. We met in the morning in the central square of Kyiv, called Independence Square, on the side where there is a McDonald’s which is great because Z could get coffee and I could pee twice before we left. The drive would be several hours but luckily they stopped enough at gas stations (usually for ice cream? for breakfast? I saw this all over this part of the world really) so I never had to worry too much about bathroom breaks. I mean I did still worry of course, but I didn’t need to. We got seats right up front behind the driver, my favorite seat, ostensibly so we could talk to the guides and ask extra questions and get extra guidance and info but really so I could become their friend and ask for a stop whenever I needed. Also it’s better for motion sickness. And also to get away from the yoots in the back (always) who bought alcohol at every gas station like they thought they were cool or something. Yeesh.
Lol my seat at the front, plus a look at the yoots being so cool outside
Oh and look at this one’s backpack. Man alive.
If you can’t read it well, it says LIFE IS PORNO. what does that mean. this is inappropriate for work and for Chernobyl
Okay that’s enough of the silly things. It’s time to get serious. You must wear longs-and-longs, in camp lingo – long pants and long sleeves, and closed shoes like sneakers. (This is to protect your skin from radiation, although it is generally safe to visit, no more dangerous radiation-wise than flying, really.) Once we got into the Chernobyl zone, there are a lot of checkpoints. Everyone has to get off the bus for the guards to look you over and check your passports. (Oh you have to bring your passport.) Sometimes the checkpoints were simple and fast, other times took longer. There is one main checkpoint into the area where all the busses of tourists coming that day convene and you can stare at all the other tourists and you can buy really weird souvenirs and most importantly you can pee. Oh I think it goes without saying, but bring all the water you will need for the day. And snacks. Lunch at the barracks is included (tomato and cucumber salad, what what! (and soup) (it was fine and very nice to accommodate vegans)) but anything else you’ll need, bring yourself.
Tour bus meeting point! partay
After that, the long day of learning and lamenting can begin. We started out by walking around small abandoned cottages out in the woods in the outer edges of the Exclusion Zone. Some people refused to evacuate, some came back as soon as they could, and some left forever, so there’s a real mix of what you’ll find out here. Mostly, though, you find completely trashed shelters. This is not from the nuclear fallout, no; this is from vandalism (yoots). Everything we found that was destroyed (which was, indeed, everything) all over Pripyat and the surrounding towns we visited mainly had shitty delinquent thieves and other generalized sorts of offenders to thank for the damage, all of that that wasn’t due to age and rust. People are terrible. Even so, it’s easy to see what utter abandonment did to the once vibrant towns.
As you can see, the floors are not in good shape. It is treacherous to walk around certain parts of certain buildings, so it can be a lil bit scary. If you are not in good ambulatory shape, this tour would be difficult, but I think you can still appreciate everything from outside peeking in (ON THE OUTSIDE ALWAYS LOOKING IN WILL I EVER BE MORE THAN I’VE ALWAYS BEEN CAUSE I’M TAP TAP TAPPING ON THE GLASSSSS I’m sorry I’m done).
Where we’re going, we don’t need floors?
In case seeing cottages destroyed isn’t enough, let’s look at all the markings of everyday life that were also ruined. Seeing things like schools, music rooms, auditoriums (I’m not going to say auditoria) (I know I just did but you know what I meant) (I’m not that much of a jerk) &c in this state really hurts.
YOUR CAR WILL STOP AND IN I’LL HOP AND OFF WE’LL DRIIIIIIIVE WE’LL DRIIIIIIIIVE then again maybe not
Some kind of auditorium room in what looked like a primary school. I have the same bug-eyes I usually have in such rooms but this time it’s not due to stage fright
someone’s notebook from school?
Once a gymnastics studio
the music room
After exploring these woods at the outer limits of the Exclusion Zone, we made our way closer and closer to the center – the reactor, and into Pripyat. The town of Pripyat was made up of more Soviet-style apartment blocks rather than single-family houses, and we went into the buildings that were more stable. I think these apartment buildings are even more emotionally challenging to reckon with than the houses because you’re seeing so many people’s lost homes at once, so much loss and wreckage in one place. Also climbing up those stairs was terrifying.
and I thought my landlords sucked. (also the requisite “Blursula” caption)
this is my ‘please dear god don’t let this roof collapse’ face
We also saw all the markers of a regular town, or what’s left of them. From the world’s saddest jungle gym to the world’s saddest Ferris Wheel et al. at the amusement park, to the world’s saddest indoor pool and the…well, you know, just the World’s Saddest everything/fill-in-the-blank.
The Ferris Wheel pictured below had the highest level of radiation as measured on our Geiger counters that we went around with, save for when we were driving through the Red Forest on our way out from the plant. Geiger counters measure the levels of radiation nearby. We took a ‘normal’ reading in Kyiv when we first met the tour guides, which was about 0.3, and we watched as the numbers changed through the day. It rose to 0.77 as we approached the Ferris Wheel and jumped to 4.78 when we touched the counter to the carriage. I don’t know if we were supposed to do that but there we are. Driving through the Red Forest it soared to 14!!!! And we were inside the bus! When discussing radiation levels, people often talk about bananas, because the forms of potassium in bananas have lil bits of radioactivity. In fact, scientists actually use the measurement BED, or Banana Equivalent Dose, which is hilarious, and I’m not going to get all scientific here or anything, but it’s not used because bananas are dangerous or anything; it’ s just because using something so recognizable that has some radiation but not a dangerous level or anything makes it easy for us normies to compare relative radiation levels and risks. It’s a point of reference, so be assured that bananas, although a tiny bit radioactive (the most of any fruit), are not dangerous (not unless you eat a shittonne so we can still hope that Freelee gets hers).
And here’s the saddest thing to me, an indoor pool without that amazing indoor pool smell. I know I’m weird but it’s the best smell. This is the hill I stand on, I guess.
One of the most effective parts of this tour, as you can see above in the pool picture and below, is that the guides often showed us pictures of what it looked like exactly where we were standing but before the disaster.
We also got to see the Duga Radar system, which was a Soviet early-warning system used during the Cold War. It was meant to detect ballistic missiles. This thing was enormous and Z was really excited to see it because he knew about its historic significance, while I pretty much just wanted to climb it (you can’t) (and shouldn’t).
Next, we made our way to the actual plant. Not inside obviously but pretty close. We were lucky to visit when we did, because the No. 4 building of the power plant, the building were the explosion began, has a pretty new cover, referred to as the sarcophagus. Early on after the disaster, experts realized that no matter what they did, it would be impossible to rid the plant of its beyond-lethal levels of radiation, so they decided to built a shelter to cover it up and limit the amount of radiation that got out. Design started mere weeks after the explosion! The original sarcophagus, however, corroded in certain spots and was never predicted to last very long anyway, so a shiny new cover was built from steel. This new confinement shelter was built a few hundred meters away and then wheeled into place, on top of #4, in November 2016.
This giant supershiny supersmooth tube-looking thing in the back is the new confinement shelter. The Geiger counter registered 1.17 here, so this thing is really doing its job!
OK, last but certainly not least, we need to talk about the most important issue in Chernobyl today. When I said at the beginning that the citizens of Chernobyl and Pripyat were evacuated and told to leave everything, I didn’t mention the most upsetting part of what they had to leave behind: their pets. Many dogs were left in what became the ghost towns. I know it’s hard to think about it without crying, and by hard I mean impossible. All those doggies made other doggies, as they do, and they beget the current residents of the Chernobyl area, All These Great Doggies. Rule #1, if you go on this tour, you MUST bring a giant bag of dog food, as I did, and feed all of them as much as they want because they don’t get good food regularly.
the only thing better than a dog is dogs
THIS MY NEW FREN
SO CUTE RIGHT? And so sad. These dogs rely on the kindness of the workers in the zone to feed them, but they need so much more. They need medical care. The great people at Clean Futures Fund have begun a project to help these dogs receive the veterinary care they need, from medicine to vaccines to neuter…onomy. PLEASE DONATE whatever you can to the CFF on their website so do it click here!
To leave Chernobyl, at the last checkpoint you have to go through the dosimeter, to make sure you and your belongings have not become radioactive. I didn’t get a good shot of anyone in the thing, but picture the full-body Rapiscan at airports (the worst thing), how you have to put your hands up and pray that everything goes well and all. Luckily, everyone in our group passed the test! The guide told us that people fail very rarely, usually only if they broke the rules or wandered off into the woods without a guide. One girl apparently had sat down on the ground in the amusement park or something and so her pants got an eensy bit radioactive and she had to leave them there! I don’t know if I believe that story!
So that was our day at Chernobyl. We learned so much – in addition to the guide’s constant guidance, they showed videos on the bus during all the longer segments of the drive. A lot of the videos had relatively new information, like about all the government cover-ups and things only now coming to light. It’s all fascinating and devastating at once. We got back to Kyiv after 7pm, so it is a very long, exhausting, exhilarating day. If you go to Kyiv, you must must take this tour. If you have no plans to go, please for the love of dog give what you can to the Clean Futures Fund Dogs of Chernobyl Project.
The monument to the heroes who sacrificed their lives to contain the explosion.
The Legend of Bilbao Baggins: Rain, Dogs, More Rain, More Dogs
As soon as we stepped off the airport bus near our hotel in Bilbao, the pouring rain turned to hail. It was hailing on us. Serious, scary balls of hail pounding on us like we’ve never before experienced. What a lovely welcome, Bilbao!
Luckily, the hail stopped that night, but the rain continued for almost our entire visit. That sucks, but although Bilbao isn’t as pretty in the rain as Paris is, it was still a solid trip in a nice city. Now, those adjectives might seem decidedly underwhelming, but I mean them with all my heart without going overboard with praise. Also, Gabrielle Union was wrong and you cannot just be whelmed in Europe.
Luckily, the hail stopped that night, but the rain continued for almost our entire visit. That sucks, but although Bilbao isn’t as pretty in the rain as Paris is, it was still a solid trip in a nice city. Now, those adjectives might seem decidedly underwhelming, but I mean them with all my heart without going overboard with praise. Also, Gabrielle Union was wrong and you cannot just be whelmed in Europe.
Fighter of the night man!
Landing in Bilbao, Spain, I thought I was sooo clever calling it Bilbao Baggins, like The Hobbit. Of course, five minutes later, we see on the road signs that, in the Basque language, Bilbao is ‘Bilbo’. So, not as clever as I thought. By the way, that Basque language is quite something. It’s a language isolate – meaning it has no discernible relationship to any other language. ON EARTH. That’s freaking wild. When you’re in Europe, you’re like, hey man, hit me with the romance languages, I’ll figure it out, they’re all close enough. But then in this region between Spain and France, all rules and prior knowledge go out the window and you are left staring at some hybrid of Japanese and Klingon where every 4th letter is a ‘k’ and every 6th letter is an ‘x’. It is CRAZY and crazy interesting. Where did they come from! How is the language not related to any other spoken on the planet? (That Klingon thing doesn’t seem too far-fetched now, does it? (Husband has me watching too much Star Trek.)) Everyone speaks regular Spanish though, but not many people we encountered in restaurants, shops, and train stations spoke English. So prepare some Spanish! I’ll get you started with some necessary phrases: “Donde esta la biblioteca? Me llamo T-bone la araña discoteca!”
OH LOOK IT’S THE ACTUAL ARAÑA DISCOTECA!
OH LOOK IT’S THE ACTUAL ARAÑA DISCOTECA!
If you know “Community“, or me at all, then you know that when I saw this giant spider outside the famous Bilbao Guggenheim (more on that below), I exclaimed “Ahh! It’s the araña discoteca!” (“What. It’s 2009.”) Now, this is where my talents of persuasion? lying? convincing myself that things are real? paid off. Husband is finding out only right now, as he reads this upon publishing, that I was making up my Bilbao history: When we walked up to this, he said “What??? It’s a giant spider! What the heck!” or something like that. And iiiiii said, “It’s called the araña discoteca. I read about it. Important in Spanish history.” Oh my god I’m awful. But good. So there we have it.
The disco spider stands (dances?) near Bilbao’s spectacular Guggenheim museum. Designed by Frank Gehry, it evokes the feeling of the water it’s on, with its wave-like sides and its shimmering fish-like scales. The building is gorgeous and larger than you can imagine, and although the atrium is splendid as well, the best part is the exterior view. Paying to get into this modern art museum seems almost silly when the best art is free to see outside.
The disco spider stands (dances?) near Bilbao’s spectacular Guggenheim museum. Designed by Frank Gehry, it evokes the feeling of the water it’s on, with its wave-like sides and its shimmering fish-like scales. The building is gorgeous and larger than you can imagine, and although the atrium is splendid as well, the best part is the exterior view. Paying to get into this modern art museum seems almost silly when the best art is free to see outside.
As a mountain of steel makes its way to the sea
Right?? It’s beautiful! Now, there isn’t much to do in Bilbao after you see this lovely building, so you might think, hey I guess I have to go inside. But…um…you don’t? The aforementioned atrium is gorgeous but the actual art hanging on these lovely walls? Balls. It’s all balls. I’m not the biggest modern art aficionado (could you guess?), but I can appreciate it, most of the time. Most of this stuff, however, was ridonkulous. Like if a toddler threw a bottle of paint at a wall. (Or his poop.) Or if a psychopath took a knife to some leather chairs. (There were actual destroyed leather seat cushions hanging on the wall.) One exhibit was just an old car’s motor. Unaltered. A car motor. How is this art! Someone tell me! The only item in the entire cavernous museo that I thought wow this is nice was a log by Ai Weiwei that somehow had a tiny picture of China drilled through it. That was awesome. The 2-D primary color blocked walls? Not so much.
There’s also this. A whole floor of this. The stuff of nightmares.
Luckily, there’s more fun external art to behold at this site. My very favorite thing about Bilbao was how dog-friendly it is. Everywhere we went, people had their dogs with them. (Rarely on leashes, which makes me absolutely nuts because I always frantically try to figure out who belongs to unleashed dogs in case someone is lost and I need to take care of them. So stressful. Just use leashes!) People who have seen me around dogs know that I go kind of nuts talking to them in my special dog voice (a high-pitched squeak that I cannot control), so all weekend in Bilbao was like me on helium. Doggies everywhere! It was amazing! I like to think that the very famous Flower Dog by Jeff Koons, standing proudly and beautifully outside the main entrance to the Guggenheim, is a symbol of how dog-friendly this city is. It’s possibly the most dog-friendly city I’ve ever been to. (And therefore the biggest point in its favor.)
PUPPIEEEEE!
More puppieeeee! That’s not me. (Move bi#$* get out da way!)
Me with a puppy!
Once you see the Gugs, you’ve done what you’re supposed to do in Bilbao! So now what? Well, stroll along the river in the rain and smile at how pleasant the little city is. It will be raining, I promise you. Oh it was on the trip that I was like ‘Ohhhhh the rain in Spain is mainly on THIS plain, that’s what they were talking bouttttt!’ Revelation. It made me okay with raining all weekend to feel like a part of a musical.
Then what? Well stroll some more. See some dogs and, if you’re like me, try to pet them and play with them but then realize that these dogs freaking speak Spanish so they don’t know what you are saying when you say “HI PUPPY YOU ARE SO CUTE! YES YOU ARE SO CUTE!” and their humans really have no idea probably what you are saying either or what the heck is wrong with you talking that high-pitched so you can try to adjust your language mid-freak-out and say “Hola….perro?? Tu es…um….HII PUPPYYYYY!” That’s pretty much how it went. 100x per day.
Walk over to the old town, as every good European city has, and wonder as your wander about the tiny streets and are lucky enough to catch adorable sights like this:
Then what? Well stroll some more. See some dogs and, if you’re like me, try to pet them and play with them but then realize that these dogs freaking speak Spanish so they don’t know what you are saying when you say “HI PUPPY YOU ARE SO CUTE! YES YOU ARE SO CUTE!” and their humans really have no idea probably what you are saying either or what the heck is wrong with you talking that high-pitched so you can try to adjust your language mid-freak-out and say “Hola….perro?? Tu es…um….HII PUPPYYYYY!” That’s pretty much how it went. 100x per day.
Walk over to the old town, as every good European city has, and wonder as your wander about the tiny streets and are lucky enough to catch adorable sights like this:
How cute is this! Does the building management make sure all the tenants have colorful umbrellas or like do Spanish people just know how to be adorable?
Another great treat was the stained glass in one of the train stations. Okay, this is where the language barrier got really rough. We needed to go to a nearby town for a fancy dinner (check back tomorrow!) and wanted to take the train. Well, we didn’t. We couldn’t get a straight answer from anyone (also, like, no one worked in the stations?? because Spain in the afternoon = sleepytime?) as to which was the correct station and which was the correct train and where to go and just f it, we took a taxi. Anyway, one of the stations – whichever it was – had this nice glass.
Another great treat was the stained glass in one of the train stations. Okay, this is where the language barrier got really rough. We needed to go to a nearby town for a fancy dinner (check back tomorrow!) and wanted to take the train. Well, we didn’t. We couldn’t get a straight answer from anyone (also, like, no one worked in the stations?? because Spain in the afternoon = sleepytime?) as to which was the correct station and which was the correct train and where to go and just f it, we took a taxi. Anyway, one of the stations – whichever it was – had this nice glass.
Bilbao also has a very cool suspension bridge that is pedestrian only AND is lined with like astroturf!! It’s so fun and squishy!
A really fun part of Bilbao is the funicular ride to the top of the hill. It’s a three-minute ride and costs like 70 cents or something crazy. It’s a scary steep climb, but so worth it for the views, although it will likely be foggy, and for one of my favorite sights, the fingerprint statue.
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doesn’t it look like there’s a crazy floating sky mountain like out of Avatar??
Why do I love this!
There were many lovely views around Bilbao. Near our hotel was a park with lots of fountains, which was nice but seemed redundant in the rain.
You’d think at night this park would be full of criminals and drug dealers but it was pretty safe.
There were also some hilarious things we came across. Down the street from our hotel, we found a weird mall. It was one of the only things in the city open on Sunday afternoon — but every single store in the mall was closed! So why was the actual building open to the public if every store was closed? Because one of the entryways had a few crappy kids’ rides, and every. single. child. in Bilbao was there with its family playing with the crappy toys. It was so so random. In this scary ghost mall was also this restaurant:
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Yes, this restaurant was called La Mafia, and every single seat in the place had a name written over it – a name of a character from “The Godfather” movies. I mean. That’s ballsy. And hilarious. And it’s inside a mall. It doesn’t get better.
Oh wait, YES IT DOES! Of course it gets better because Bilbao sells The Thermomix! If you aren’t familiar with The Katering Show, you must must must watch this right very now before continuing with your life, even your breathing. It’s the best thing out there. So, being a huge fan of the show, when I saw this gigantic ad for the actual real-life breathing (probably) machine that does it all but unnecessarily, well I freaked out! It’s real! It’s alive (probably)! And it’s beeyoootiful! No, it’s not, it’s frightening, but oh man how I adore it, if only for the jokes.
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Can you believe it’s real?
So, Bilbao may not have a lot of activities to do, but it’s a nice town to walk around in for a few days. If you go, you’ll have a nice, pleasant time, as long as you aren’t out very late when all the yoots come out of the woodwork and take over the city and all the streets like awful drunk ants. Ugh yoots. Anyway, during the day it’s nice. I wouldn’t go out of my way to go if you have limited time in Europe, but like if you live on the continent then why not. (Ringing endorsement!)
We’ll talk about the food for the next two days. See yaaa.
So, Bilbao may not have a lot of activities to do, but it’s a nice town to walk around in for a few days. If you go, you’ll have a nice, pleasant time, as long as you aren’t out very late when all the yoots come out of the woodwork and take over the city and all the streets like awful drunk ants. Ugh yoots. Anyway, during the day it’s nice. I wouldn’t go out of my way to go if you have limited time in Europe, but like if you live on the continent then why not. (Ringing endorsement!)
We’ll talk about the food for the next two days. See yaaa.
Freaking love this little pink and blue buildings.
Oh hey here’s a statue of John Adams on the main drag.
