The Green Roll at Chelsea Market, NYC: Sushi for Sushi Lovers

   This past weekend was the Brighton edition of VegFest UK, and while the food and vendors were nearly identical to the London VegFest, it wasn’t nearly as fun! So sad! Was it because of the crowds? The lack of free samples? The liiiines? The difficult-to-navigate venue? The absence of Vegan in Brighton? Let’s talk about it while I share random pictures! Shall we do it with our preferred method of ranking? 

      First of all, I need to give a huge thank you to Stephen at Friends Gazette for having a VegFest ticket giveaway and to the powers that be for ensuring that I won! If you don’t get the Gazette, you should sign up for its free articles about moral veganism and other good things. I’m pretty sure free tickets were the only thing bringing me down to Brighton on a Saturday, when the trains are notoriously 40 minutes slower than usual and it was freezing rain and the venue was on the water so the rain was like sideways and the wind was so strong and man alive it was just really cold and gross out there. But I was excited to see what magic awaited me inside.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much magic. My favorite part was my early food buying — the early part is key (more on that below). How thrilled was I, coming in from the awful weather, to be immediately greeted upstairs by a fresh juice bar! Damage Limitation (what a name, amiright? Luckily I peaced out before any talk of what the pureed produce would do for my toxins or whatever) had set up a large area for juices and smoothies and it was wonderful. For only $3.50 (listen, I don’t have the pound sign on my computer and I don’t feel like copying and pasting one from the internet or dealing with like writing my own code or some bullshit that people go to years of schooling to learn how to do so just assume I am saying pound, ya dig?), you could choose from two juices or two smoothies. The menu is limited, yes (just like the Damage!), but it made for a much faster-moving line because they could make so many orders at once. I got a ‘The Alkaliser’ smoothie, which included cucumber, zucchini, pear, spinach, ginger, and lemon. It was a splendid combination although I would have liked it to have been blended with ice, and blended a little more successfully (I don’t think they were using Vitamixen). 

But I wasn’t done! No sir I was just getting started. I began the day so ravenous because of how long it took to get there and so I was a bottomless pit that couldn’t be filled. But we had to try. Next up, I beheld the most beautiful sight mine eyes have seen in like days:

STEAMED BUNS! Some rando Chinese stall had STEAMS BUNS! They were GOOD too, filled with meaty somethings! I did the dumbest thing ever when I saw them early in the day and I bought and immediately devoured one. I bought ONE. I went back just one or two hours later and the people in front of me got the last ones. It was probably the dumbest thing I’ve done, not buying more when I had the chance. If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and buy all of them. Or, no, if I had to time machine I would use it as payment to give to someone who can make vegan steamed buns and I’d hire them for life as my personal bun maker because I’m sure most people would be willing to swap devoted services for such a find. I mean but then they couldn’t be allowed to use the time machine because what if I wanted a steamed bun one afternoon and I was like ‘hey amigo where are you I want a steamed bun?’ and like I found a post-it on the fridge saying ‘hey I went to 1768 be back later!’ and like what do I do then. 

       More things that we ate! I had Loving Hut’s soy meat skewers (a whole stick for $1! Can’t beat that even if its sauce will convert you into a follower of Supreme Master or whatever their shtick is), which were really yummy and made me want to go to the/a London Loving Hut even though that seems weird because I’m not traveling and I have other options…but I do like the LH sooo I guess I should. And then my friend and I shared a ‘palito’. I don’t know what this is, but it was something fried-looking on a skewer and it was $2.50 and seemed worth trying. It was pretty good, could have used a dipping sauce, but it was all worth it because while we waited to order, we asked the guy in front of us (who had just been given his palito plate) what exactly it was that we were all buying, and his eyes got really big and he laughed and stage whispered “I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!” It was pretty hilarious. It was like fry dough filled with meat and veggies? 

     As for the main room stall vendors, my favorites were repeats from London VegFest, including moo free chocolate, with their decent sale prices and giant and generous samples; Landgarten, one of the actually new-to-me vendors there, with delicious chocolate-covered small things; Cocoa Feliz fancy chocolate makers just for their gorgeous beyond belief display; Great Food with their generous falafel and hummus samples (see it’s not just chocolate!); and whoever makes the $150 personal massager. Seriously, I want that massager so badly. It’s amazing. They used it on my shoulders and back again and I felt like I could actually stand up to my full heighth potential and not mimic Quasimodo like I usually seem to do because ow.  

Also, this is hilarious. It’s a ginormous bag of like hemp shavings for building a house or shed. I don’t know.

One more great thing!!! On our train back to London, this old man walked by us up the aisle to exit at an earlier stop, aaaand he farted the entire way. LOUDLY. Like one unbelievable continuous sound for about 10-15 feet. We were CRYING, yet no one else seemed to notice or mind! I guess that it’s common for Brits to pretend not to notice such things but we aren’t British so we lost our minds. The luckiest thing was that this was the one time I wasn’t on the aisle so he pretty much farted in my friend’s face. And lots of other faces. Oh man old people just don’t care. I love it. 

     Most of my ‘bad’ choices aren’t so much commentary on the vendors or companies but on the context of the situation and just lemony snickety events. First up is Titbits Catering. (I mean, first of all, your name is funny. I get that here it’s not very funny, but it’s funny to me because Murka.) The problem? Their stuff looked great, but by the time I was hungry again, they were sold out! NB, it was like 3pm. That’s pretty early for an event going until 7pm, sooo next time know to stock more? At this time, it seemed like most vendors were running out, actually! And if they still had food, the lines were prohibitively long.

   Next: Ananda, oh how I adore your Waggon Wheels, and I thank you for all of your amazing marshmallowy products. But where was your giant Waggon Wheel giveaway this time around?! Why couldn’t I enter to win a 4 foot diameter marshmallow cookie sandwich or however big that miracle was at London Fest? Was it, heaven forbid, actually there and the awful crowds just kept me from seeing it? What a shanda that would have been. But not surprising, because the crowds really were insane and kept us from getting close to or even seeing lots of vendors. We had a very important message for Ms. Cupcake, but it took us a good 40 minutes to find her, even though we were in the correct room. What a mess.

   Another possibly new vendor was cho!, a bottled gazpacho purveyor. This product was not my favorite, as cold garlicky soup can’t really improve upon bottling. I wish them the best though. My issue was that I walked up to the stall once when it was actually empty, no crowd crowding me, which was a minor miracle on this day, and the vendor didn’t even notice me. She wasn’t unpacking boxes or busily settling things up or anything. She just kind of looked through me. For a moment I thought I had become actually invisible and was like whoaaa what should I really do with this superpower besides wait for vomity garlic juice, but then my friend said hey what’s up so I stopped wondering. So I don’t know what was going on here but like that’s enough of that miss. 

   So what was the worst part about Brighton VegFest? It wasn’t that the Big Fat Vegan Bakery sold out so early or that the Beezlebub Doner Kebab stall had up to an hour wait the entire day. It wasn’t even that Teese and Sheese and Frys and other famous food companies were nowhere to be found. No, it was the attendees. I’m sure we’re all lovely people, us UK vegans, but en masse we are f-ed the f up. I witnessed some of the most atrocious behavior I’ve seen in social situations in a long time. Perhaps now that I have experience on the other side of the stall I am more attuned to how rude customers in crowded settings can be, but I was shocked at what I witnessed. People literally shoving others aside so they could attack free samples, others just ignoring the fact that people were in their way and charging through, one man — no joke, we watched this one happen for 5 minutes — eating an entire table’s cheese display while 15 people waited behind him to actually buy the product (he did not). It was rough, guys. All crowds are terrible, it’s true. I just keep having hope that yayvegans! will be better at fighting the mob mentality that turns people into monsters (not animals, we love animals. animals are better than people) but sadly it’s not true. We’re just human I guesssss. But given my time so far behind the stall, here are some tips I have for you for the next vegfest or fest or crowded event you go to:

1) Say hi to the vendor. Acknowledge that they exist. 
2) If you eat free samples, thank the vendor. Or at least acknowledge that they exist (see #1). (Seriously, I saw maybe 2 out of 200 people make eye contact with the person giving them the free food. Others just pretend they don’t exist.)
3) Look around you to see if there’s anyone who might be waiting to get to where you want to go. If there is, don’t just cut in front of them. 
4) In general, just don’t be a dick. Don’t push. Or shove. This is not Times Square. Unless you’re in Times Square, and then all bets are off because you gotta get to that show before curtain. (Remember to turn off your phone.)

    Going into dinner at Crossroads, my first ever meal in Los Angeles, I was wary. I knew of Tal Ronnen, famous celebrity chef behind Oprah’s 21-day vegan challenge and Ellen’s wedding, and I was super psyched to finally eat at his fancy well-known restaurant on Melrose (so I could say “We’re going to Melrose” in Ambular’s voice). But I had heard from several people whose opinions I trust, and none of them agreed on whether the food was disappointing or BRE (best restaurant ever). Either the consistency at Crossroads is just nonexistent or some of my friends have the Sookie-preggers-tastebud-crazytimes, but luckily I guess I went on a good night. No, a great night. A freaking fantastic, fabulous night because this dinner was off the chizzz, people, and despite an absolutely stellar week of eating in L.A. (which will be my next like bajillion posts), Crossroads was the highlight among all highlights.

   Now, not everything was perfect. Far from it. The service was nicht so good; we will get to that later. Notably, the lighting was not good for pictures, as you will be able to clearly (or blurrily) see. This is really upsetting because the food is so beautifully plated, but I guess they’re of the old-school belief that food is for eating and not photographing. Amateurs. No it’s not a big deal just a warning so you don’t keep shouting ah my eyes! Also, I was seated so I faced the bar, and there was a semi-famous woman sitting directly in my line of vision and I couldn’t figure out who she was! So that was a bummer! I think some sort of Real Housewife or mob wife or some such person I should probably be glad I can’t name. The group at the table next to us had to have been some sort of band or something. One of the guys was a f-ing slob, wearing like dirty pajamas to this insanely nice restaurant, and he was hairier than if Rob Delaney got turned into a woolly mammoth. Like his hair and his beard were on the table. So gross. And another guy was a dead ringer for Noel Fielding, giant witch’s hat and all. They have to be famouses, right? Or is that just how regulars in L.A. are too?
   But the food was epic. So epic that I place Crossroads in the Michelin series I write. No, it doesn’t have a star, but you know what? It was much better than some meals that had even multiple stars attached (and it was more expensive erma p gerd) so I’m tagging it as such. CHANGE APPROVED. Also, Husband and I went with two local friends, so it was one vegan and three omnivores. They were all blown away by every course. Like BUHH LOWN away. I was so happy just for that! Let’s get down to it.

       The concept is small plates, tapas style, allegedly coming out as each was ready but we realized that the sequence was actually following the menu order, which made more sense than otherwise. The waitress recommended 4-5 dishes per person, and I think we did 3-4 each (all for sharing) and had trouble finishing the final dishes, so keep that in mind. We started with the Charred Ricotta, served with crostini and apricot thyme glaze. I was never a huge cheese person, like I never cried and pissed and moaned about having to give it up like other prospective vegans do at all times, but this new wave of artisan (meaningless) vegan cheese is extraordinary, and this dish was a prime example of it. I don’t know what it’s made of, but unlike the plain whipped tofu I’ve had at other places who call such an abomination ricotta, this was amazing. I wish I could have this dish delivered to my house every single day, but that would be supes gross after a 12 hour flight. And then customs and stuff? Ugh. I’d still eat it.
    Our other small starter was the Watercress and Peach Salad, which was refreshing and must have been pretty good considering I don’t particularly like watercress and I had eaten the peach of my liiife the day before. Oh California produce. The salad was tossed with hazelnuts and a mint vinaigrette, which was happily not minty at all. Strong start.

Next up was probably my favorite part of the entire dinner, and I think the dish that most impressed by friends. The Artichoke Oysters were served and eaten like oysters, with the little ball of artichoke puree, yellow tomato bearnaise, and kelp caviar over a grilled oyster mushroom and served on a meaty piece of artichoke heart. Oh my goodness, this is the most impressive thing I’ve eaten in a while. Just the sheer creativity of making something like that, and the genius in executing it perfectly, boggles the mind. I’m just obsessed! In the middle was a scoop of seaweed, my favorite thing, but I didn’t realize it until someone else ate it. And I didn’t even care! That’s how good these oysters were. Holy crap. Next time some asshat tries to have an argument about the whole ‘can’t vegans eat oysters they’re plants right?’ just be like why would you eat enlarged bougers when you could eat artichoke oysters? 

   You’d think maybe after the life-changing events of the ricotta and the oysters, that the 300 subsequent dishes would be slightly disappointing, but you’d be mistaken. Everything was on such a high level, it felt almost criminal to be enjoying it without being Ellen myself. We tried another salad next, the Grilled Romaine, and although it was very difficult to share (being a wedge salad), it was my favorite salad. The grilled lettuce heart was smothered in harissa ranch dressing. I’m not a fan of ranch dressing, never was, even though I went to a college where people put that shit on their pizza. But this ranch dressing in this salad? I’m a convert. Well at least to Crossroads’ ranch. The salad was topped with pickled shallots, heirloom cherry tomatoes, and black olives, all of which nicely cut the heaviness of hot lettuce and ranch dressing. Such a wonderful combination!

    Speaking of pizza, the pizza section on the Crossroads menu was really difficult to pass up, but we had a feeling that their fancier-seeming dishes were the heavy-hitters, and we were right. Next we had the basic but delicious Lentil Flatbread, a wonderfully earthy and warm pita-like bread served with little dishes of marinated eggplant, braised banana pepper, and mushroom relish. I honestly couldn’t tell which vegetable was in which pot (I mean by color sure but you know what i mean), but it was all great. 

   The “Crab Cakes” (their quotes, not mine) were equally good while being a more familiar taste at similarly adventurous vegan restaurants. They were topped with the daintiest amount of tartar sauce and watercress. While the cake itself was really fantastic (I’m guessing hearts of palm? but it doesn’t say in the menu), it needed a lot more of the sauce. I guess we could have asked for some but they’re small bites so you don’t really realize it until after you’ve finished. 

    We also probably wouldn’t have asked because our initially-fine waitress became the Mona-Lisa-Saperstein WORRRRRRST seriously the worst. At one point, she tried to remove my friend’s wine glass, even though it still had a few sips in in. My friend said she wasn’t done with that yet, and the waitress put it down. But I guess she had been worn down by a terrible audition earlier in the day (probs all actors right?) and so this benign comment instead hit her as criticism of her performance in her day job and at the thought of her being a failure at that too she absolutely shattered, and was a total b word to us the rest of the time. I mean that’s just me guessing but I’m probably right. She rushed us from then on, couldn’t wait to get rid of us so would idle nearby waiting for us to finish a plate so she could quickly snatch it away. Like this was a busy restaurant with lots to do, but she would just watch us, ignoring her other tables, and look perturbed. What a terribleness. 

   Luckily, her inability to keep it together did not affect our enjoyment of our meal. No, we’re not done. Next was Grilled Romano Beans, which I’ve never heard of before but everybody likes them right so we ordered them. They were really good, still in their pods and barbecued with balsamic peaches, marcona almonds (those are the fancy almonds right), and black garlic chili vinaigrette. So damn good! That’s a lot of flavors going on but beans are pretty basic on their own so it was all working.  

Our first of the Comforting Classics, as they’re called, was the dish most recommended to me – the Chickpea Cake. It’s a good deal heartier than the smaller plates, and so actually makes this very expensive food seem like a better value. The chickpea patty is served with porcini mushrooms, red spring onions, and sherry demi cream. I don’t know what makes cream ‘demi’ but I really enjoyed the chickpea cake and was glad I followed everyone’s advice. It seems like an entree you’d get at a nice comforting vegan restaurant, or maybe make yourself if you have a lot of time one night. Very solid and delicious. ​

Onto the last of our Comforting Classics, and the last of our savory dishes (I totally forgot to take pictures of some things in the ruckus of this amazing meal! sorry not sorry! Add like 4-5 other dishes and you’ll get a sense of how much food we ate!). The Scaloppini Milanese was so amazing. It could have easily been a hunk of Gardein or something at a lesser restaurant, but this patty, whatever it was, was incredible, with the perfect texture. The telltale syruppy but thin Milanese sauce took it to the next level, and like everything else here, was wonderful. 

   On to dessert!!! We were so full that we couldn’t even finish some of the above dishes, but we had to get dessert. I was actually in a place that would give me something other that fruit sorbet and fruit; of course I’m getting dessert! We decided to split two among the four of us, starting with the Peach Upside Down Cake. Proving that their pastry chef is as talented as the head chef, this wonderful cake was warm and full of deep brown sugar. The roasted peaches were just as good as all the other peaches we ate all night and all week (the best peaches in this state!) and complemented by the lemon cornmeal of the cake. The best part was the brown sugar ice cream it was served with, not that it was better than the cake but just because ice cream is my favorite. As such, the dessert I got to choose was the famous Hot Fudge Sundae, which yeah I could make and yeah I could have elsewhere but shush, it was awesome. The vanilla bean ice cream was served on top of a warm brownie (le sigh), mixed with banana fudge, whatever that amazingness is, and topped with hazelnuts and coconut whipped cream. Best sundae ever, yes. 

​Overall, this was an epic, spectacular meal, definitely one of my favorites ever. It was stupid expensive, but compared to similar restaurants, I think the value was so high that it was well worth it. 

Crossroads, Los Angeles, California, US&A
Water speed: Decent. There were a few times when we had to flag people down, but overall it was okay.
Service: What a weird issue! The waitress was a total eggshell plaintiff or something. She just didn’t like us and make it hella obvious. Boo urns. 
Bathrooms: I felt like I was in an episode of Gossip Girl when I went to the bathroom. They are small, with two stalls separated by the sink area, and blonde wannabe starlets apparently congregate in the sink area to fix their hair while I try to wash my hands. Their conversation was so hilariously stereotypical of everything L.A. I almost thought it was Improv Everywhere or something.
Food: Incredible! Not one bad note. One of the best meals ever.
Bonus: The atmosphere can’t help but be great, considering the location and the notoriety. Usually more famous people are there than were on my night, but even so, the food is so superb that I didn’t even care that it was apparently the one night of the year that Russell Simmons wasn’t there.