Crazy Mother Hubbard: What To Do With The World's Largest Squash, Part 3 - Squashy Pumpkin Cinnamon Buns!by Randi / December 23, 2013
Tartlets!
“Well smack my ass and call me Judy!”
No, I didn’t say that! It’s from one of the best guest stars ever on “Friends”, Jon Lovitz! In Season 1’s “The One With the Stoned Guy”, he played a guy named Steve who came to the apartment to interview Monica for a restaurant job. However, as Phoebe reported, he got stoned in the cab on the way over and was just a rude mess. A corn-envelope eating, Sugar-Os throwing, Gummi-Bear stealing mess. Poor Monica’s big opportunity was lost because of drugs. See? Johnny Dakota was right: “There’s no hope with dope!”*
Luckily for us, his erratic behavior made for some great TV. Jon Lovitz is one of those actors with the ability to turn a stupid line into an absolute instant classic. My favorite line reading of his (in this episode, at least; his reappearance in Season 9’s “The One With the Blind Dates” provides stiff competition*) inspired this post’s subject: regarding Monica’s Onion Tartlets. For the past what, 15 years, every time I hear the word tartlet, or even tart, I react in this same way. I can’t help it! Watch and be awed:
No, I didn’t say that! It’s from one of the best guest stars ever on “Friends”, Jon Lovitz! In Season 1’s “The One With the Stoned Guy”, he played a guy named Steve who came to the apartment to interview Monica for a restaurant job. However, as Phoebe reported, he got stoned in the cab on the way over and was just a rude mess. A corn-envelope eating, Sugar-Os throwing, Gummi-Bear stealing mess. Poor Monica’s big opportunity was lost because of drugs. See? Johnny Dakota was right: “There’s no hope with dope!”*
Luckily for us, his erratic behavior made for some great TV. Jon Lovitz is one of those actors with the ability to turn a stupid line into an absolute instant classic. My favorite line reading of his (in this episode, at least; his reappearance in Season 9’s “The One With the Blind Dates” provides stiff competition*) inspired this post’s subject: regarding Monica’s Onion Tartlets. For the past what, 15 years, every time I hear the word tartlet, or even tart, I react in this same way. I can’t help it! Watch and be awed:
I’ve seen this about 100 times and I still love it. The word tartlet makes me laugh so hard!! I don’t know how Courteney Cox kept a straight face during filming, because I couldn’t have. I’d be the worst sitcom actor ever. I’d break more than Jimmy Fallon. Anyway, so Steve couldn’t wait a measly 8 1/2 minutes for the onion tartlets. He got all up in Monica’s pantry, looking for munchies.
“I was just being polite.”
“Hello Greeter Girl.” I love it. But he’s so rude! Not only did he take items off her shelf but he actually stuck his grubby hands in and ate some of the food! I would have snapped much earlier than Monica did. I can’t stomach fools! And I really can’t stomach grubby hands in my cereal boxes. I love cereal. Let’s have cereal! No, we’re here to make onion tartlets. And wow, guys, I must say, this shit is crazy good! I used The Vegg for the first time. If you aren’t familiar with it, The Vegg is a vegan, powdered egg replacer that is extremely, eerily egg-like. It even made my kitchen smell like sulfur! The people at The Vegg were nice enough to send me a free sample, and I think these tartlets (hehe tartlets) are a great way to experiment with a little bit of it. I am definitely going to be buying this in the future. If you don’t have access to it, I bet a mix of EnerG Egg Replacer, nooch, and black salt would substitute well (or even just the nooch and black salt if you use firm tofu). However, this concoction blew the minds of some real egg-loving omnivores in my house, so I suggest ordering the Vegg.
To make the little tartlet shells, I stole a recipe from this really cool blogger over at HelloGiggles and I don’t even feel bad about it. I’m taking her method too — you use the bottom part of your muffin tin (the smaller your muffin cups, the better for this!) to form your dough into cups! It’s genius! So, we’re going to make and semi-bake the little tartlet pie cups first, then fill them with the eggy mixture and bake again. Be careful that your crusts don’t burn (like some of mine did) as it takes a long time for the filling to cook. It might help to cover your pie edges with tin foil to prevent burning (I never do this because I love burnt edges). Weirdly, the uncooked filling tastes just like egg salad. I was always disgusted by egg salad, but the stuff without any actual eggs is pretty rad. Let’s make some tartlets! Hehe tartlets!
To make the little tartlet shells, I stole a recipe from this really cool blogger over at HelloGiggles and I don’t even feel bad about it. I’m taking her method too — you use the bottom part of your muffin tin (the smaller your muffin cups, the better for this!) to form your dough into cups! It’s genius! So, we’re going to make and semi-bake the little tartlet pie cups first, then fill them with the eggy mixture and bake again. Be careful that your crusts don’t burn (like some of mine did) as it takes a long time for the filling to cook. It might help to cover your pie edges with tin foil to prevent burning (I never do this because I love burnt edges). Weirdly, the uncooked filling tastes just like egg salad. I was always disgusted by egg salad, but the stuff without any actual eggs is pretty rad. Let’s make some tartlets! Hehe tartlets!
MONICA’S ONION TARTLETS
HEHE TARTLETS
HEHE TARTLETS
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For the tartlet pie cups
Ingredients:
Directions:
For the filling
Directions:
Thanks Vegg people!
“Is it dry in here?”
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THE SHADOW FINGERS WILL GET YOU, PIE DOUGH!
Thiis is howw you dooo ittt
You could also just eat the pie crusts plain.
Onions overboard!!
“You know, I don’t know what I’m looking for.”
Don’t worry it’s not really egg!
Adding the onions. Onions, man.
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These are actually really good! If you take the time to roll your pie dough out and cut them more carefully than I did, you could totally serve these at a dinner party. Or any kind of party. New Years Eve? Nothing like ringing in the new year with the smell of sulfur! I hope you enjoy!
*What was your favorite Jon Lovitz quote on “Friends”, from either of his episodes? Don’t you love when he says, “And I’m pretty sure…I’m infertile” because I do.
*Do you know who Johnny Dakota is?!?!
*Do you know who Johnny Dakota is?!?!
original comments: https://laughfrodisiac.weebly.com/my-own-creations/veganizing-friends-tarletstartletstartletsthe-word-has-lost-all-meaning
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Another new favorite: Sip N Glo Juicery, Philly
It’s getting ridiculous, Philly! A few years ago, I had to go to NYC if I wanted interesting cold-pressed juice. But now, everywhere I turn there’s a new juice bar opening in Philadelphia! As you know, last week I discovered the wonderful Yellow Juice Bar at 20th & Sansom. This week, while spending some time on South Street, I discovered Sip N Glo Juicery, one of my new favorite juiceries. (Is this a word?)
Right across from the Whole Foods and next to a few yoga studios, Sip N Glo’s location is pretty perfect for their desired kind of foot traffic. I wandered in the first time during the lagging pre-lunch hours, so I was the only customer in the tiny place. The man working was bottling juices while I deliberated, and he let me sample a few.
Right across from the Whole Foods and next to a few yoga studios, Sip N Glo’s location is pretty perfect for their desired kind of foot traffic. I wandered in the first time during the lagging pre-lunch hours, so I was the only customer in the tiny place. The man working was bottling juices while I deliberated, and he let me sample a few.
He’s making my juice!
First, he had me try the One Love, a mix of green apple, cucumber, kale, spinach, pineapple, and ginger. The guy said it was his favorite, and I could see why. It was pure heaven! Next, I tried Sweet Greens, which I was biased towards getting to begin with. Mixing kale, spinach, apple, and cucumber, it was one of my favorite juice combos, and Sip N Glo makes it perfectly.
I ordered a large Sweet Greens (16 oz., about $7 after tax), and the craziest thing happened. So, I usually ask for my juices and smoothies to be ‘heavy on the kale’, but I didn’t here because it was my first trip and I wanted to get a true sense of their juice. When the juiceman handed my cup to me, though, he said, “I made it heavy on the kale.” Like he read my mind! Crazy! And no joke, it was one of the best juices I’ve ever had. I don’t understand how they balanced the flavors so well, especially with supposedly extra kale. It tasted like very mild apple juice, but obviously better. Amazing.
I ordered a large Sweet Greens (16 oz., about $7 after tax), and the craziest thing happened. So, I usually ask for my juices and smoothies to be ‘heavy on the kale’, but I didn’t here because it was my first trip and I wanted to get a true sense of their juice. When the juiceman handed my cup to me, though, he said, “I made it heavy on the kale.” Like he read my mind! Crazy! And no joke, it was one of the best juices I’ve ever had. I don’t understand how they balanced the flavors so well, especially with supposedly extra kale. It tasted like very mild apple juice, but obviously better. Amazing.
 Really awesome pictures |
 I was in a hurry.., |
The Green Balance Smoothie
Next time, I ordered a smoothie. Now, one of the downsides of this place is that a lot of their smoothies use Greek yogurt and honey. So, be careful when ordering. I didn’t see any possible substitutes for the yogurt, so I chose a smoothie that didn’t use any to begin with. Otherwise, it would be too far from the original concept and not the best thing to judge. I chose the Green Balance: kale, spinach, chocolate protein powder, chia seeds, and almond milk. Sounded great! I asked the woman working what kinds of protein powder they use, and she said they were all plant-based and vegan. So that part is good! This smoothie tasted fantastic. I wish it was blended with a little bit of ice to make it colder; with no frozen fruit to add in, it was a bit warm. But the taste was wonderful. A large 16 oz. smoothie after tax ran me $8 and change, which is pretty steep.
Some fun wall decorations
Note that this place is very much just a counter that happens to be indoors. There is no seating and the counter runs clear across the space, separating you from the workers (and the bathroom – go across the street to Whole Foods to pee). In pictures online, I thought I saw some outdoor seating, but a) I don’t understand how that would be possible considering South Street sidewalks are crowded and b) it’s freezing out now anyway. But while there is room inside for a few stools, the small space is left completely empty. Maybe they don’t want people lingering. Another downside is the price. Given the South Street location, it’s understandable that the prices are a little higher. They’re not NYC-terrible, but it’s not something I could afford regularly. However, the products are so good that it’s worth a splurge every now and then. Hopefully, they will make the smoothie options even more vegan-friendly (the option to use agave instead of honey would be a nice offer, as well as having something instead of yogurt). On the plus side, they do have punch cards!
That Time When I Made a “Sneaky Bean” Dessert & It Wasn’t Gross
beany beany bean bean beans
I’m sure you’ve seen tons of those recipes online in which possibly well-meaning people claim that they made the BEST EVER cookies with a can of white beans (they are so healthy and fat-free and sugar-free!), or amazing JUST LIKE THE REAL THING brownies made with a can of black beans (they are so healthy and sugar-free AND flourless AND tasteless!).
I’ve tried all of them. They were always disgusting. I’m sorry, but they were. Disgusting. Is there anything more upsetting than expectations of a delicious brownie dashed? Than having no dessert but some kind of bean patty that tastes more like hummus than brownie? No, I don’t think there is.
I’ve tried all of them. They were always disgusting. I’m sorry, but they were. Disgusting. Is there anything more upsetting than expectations of a delicious brownie dashed? Than having no dessert but some kind of bean patty that tastes more like hummus than brownie? No, I don’t think there is.
Is there anything more upsetting than expectations of a delicious brownie dashed?
With that in mind, you can understand how upset I was when my mom, as excited as a puppy with peanut butter, came to me and exclaimed, “I found this recipe for cookies online that uses chickpeas! Let’s make them today!” I tried to tell her that it was a bad idea. That it was always a bad idea. I knew from experience, I argued. But she wouldn’t accept it; we simply had to try.
Faced with my most-feared culinary nightmare, I decided not to be a victim anymore. We were going to make chickpea-filled cookies, and by god they were going to be FANTASTIC. And guess what? They were. I attribute this to throwing out all the recipes I’ve ever seen for these monstrosities, and instead learning from my experiences and accounting for the usual problems.
Faced with my most-feared culinary nightmare, I decided not to be a victim anymore. We were going to make chickpea-filled cookies, and by god they were going to be FANTASTIC. And guess what? They were. I attribute this to throwing out all the recipes I’ve ever seen for these monstrosities, and instead learning from my experiences and accounting for the usual problems.
THE USUAL PROBLEMS WITH SNEAKY BEAN RECIPES:
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PROBLEMS:
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SOLUTIONS!
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Told you they were gorgeous, didn’t I!! Oh wait no, no I didn’t.
Sneaky Chickpea Chocolate Chip Cookies
- 1 can chickpeas, rinsed very well
- 2t vanilla extract
- ¼ C almond milk
- ½ C peanut butter
- ¼ C speculoos
- 1/3 C agave nectar
- 1t baking powder
- pinch salt
- ½ C flour
- ½ C chocolate chips
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350°.
Puree the chickpeas and almond milk in a blender. (The Magic Bullet is perfect for this.) Add the vanilla, peanut butter, speculoos, and agave. You may need to add more milk if it gets too thick.
Mix the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl, then add the blender contents. Mix well. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, and drop the batter onto it in cookie-sized balls. Bake for about 12 minutes. Let cool before trying to see if you finally made a beany cookie that isn’t disgusting.
I hope this works for you like it worked for me!
