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Veganizing “Friends”: Tartlets?…Tartlets?…Tartlets?…The Word Has Lost All Meaning

December 30, 2013
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PictureTartlets!

      “Well smack my ass and call me Judy!”
No, I didn’t say that! It’s from one of the best guest stars ever on “Friends”, Jon Lovitz! In Season 1’s “The One With the Stoned Guy”, he played a guy named Steve who came to the apartment to interview Monica for a restaurant job. However, as Phoebe reported, he got stoned in the cab on the way over and was just a rude mess. A corn-envelope eating, Sugar-Os throwing, Gummi-Bear stealing mess. Poor Monica’s big opportunity was lost because of drugs. See? Johnny Dakota was right: “There’s no hope with dope!”*
Luckily for us, his erratic behavior made for some great TV. Jon Lovitz is one of those actors with the ability to turn a stupid line into an absolute instant classic. My favorite line reading of his (in this episode, at least; his reappearance in Season 9’s “The One With the Blind Dates” provides stiff competition*) inspired this post’s subject: regarding Monica’s Onion Tartlets. For the past what, 15 years, every time I hear the word tartlet, or even tart, I react in this same way. I can’t help it! Watch and be awed:
       I’ve seen this about 100 times and I still love it. The word tartlet makes me laugh so hard!! I don’t know how Courteney Cox kept a straight face during filming, because I couldn’t have. I’d be the worst sitcom actor ever. I’d break more than Jimmy Fallon. Anyway, so Steve couldn’t wait a measly 8 1/2 minutes for the onion tartlets. He got all up in Monica’s pantry, looking for munchies.

Picture“I was just being polite.”

       “Hello Greeter Girl.” I love it. But he’s so rude! Not only did he take items off her shelf but he actually stuck his grubby hands in and ate some of the food! I would have snapped much earlier than Monica did. I can’t stomach fools! And I really can’t stomach grubby hands in my cereal boxes. I love cereal. Let’s have cereal! No, we’re here to make onion tartlets. And wow, guys, I must say, this shit is crazy good! I used The Vegg for the first time. If you aren’t familiar with it, The Vegg is a vegan, powdered egg replacer that is extremely, eerily egg-like. It even made my kitchen smell like sulfur! The people at The Vegg were nice enough to send me a free sample, and I think these tartlets (hehe tartlets) are a great way to experiment with a little bit of it. I am definitely going to be buying this in the future. If you don’t have access to it, I bet a mix of EnerG Egg Replacer, nooch, and black salt would substitute well (or even just the nooch and black salt if you use firm tofu). However, this concoction blew the minds of some real egg-loving omnivores in my house, so I suggest ordering the Vegg.
To make the little tartlet shells, I stole a recipe from this really cool blogger over at HelloGiggles and I don’t even feel bad about it. I’m taking her method too — you use the bottom part of your muffin tin (the smaller your muffin cups, the better for this!) to form your dough into cups! It’s genius! So, we’re going to make and semi-bake the little tartlet pie cups first, then fill them with the eggy mixture and bake again. Be careful that your crusts don’t burn (like some of mine did) as it takes a long time for the filling to cook. It might help to cover your pie edges with tin foil to prevent burning (I never do this because I love burnt edges). Weirdly, the uncooked filling tastes just like egg salad. I was always disgusted by egg salad, but the stuff without any actual eggs is pretty rad. Let’s make some tartlets! Hehe tartlets!
MONICA’S ONION TARTLETS
HEHE TARTLETS
For the tartlet pie cups
Ingredients:

  • 2C all-purpose or whole-wheat flour
  • 1t baking powder
  • 1t salt
  • 3/4C Earth Balance or vegan margarine
  • 1/2C cold water

Directions:

  1. Mix your dry ingredients in a mixing bowl.
  2. Cut the margarine in with a pastry cutter or your fingers. I have a pastry cutter, but I used my fingers here! Ohhh livin’ on the veeedge.
  3. Add the water and mix into a ball, then knead well, about 15 times.
  4. Flatten into a disc, wrap in cling film, and refrigerate for an hour.
  5. Take the dough out and let thaw for 30-45 minutes before rolling out.
  6. Preheat your oven to 350°.
  7. Roll out to about 1/4inch thick and cut into small squares that will cover the bottoms of your muffin tins.
  8. Bake for 10 minutes, just long enough to set the shape but not too long that they are fully cooked.

For the filling
Ingredients:

  • 1 very large onion (to make about 2C diced)
  • 1T olive oil
  • 1t salt
  • 1 box (12 oz.) silken tofu
  • 5t The Vegg egg replacer powder
  • salt and black pepper to taste
  • 3T nooch

Directions:

  1. First, we’re going to caramelize the onions!! Get a big heavy stock pot, heat your oil over medium-low heat, and add your onions. Cook, stirring often, for about 30-40 minutes over medium heat, to caramelize the onions. Add a pinch of salt halfway through. You can totally just brown your onions over high heat if you don’t have the time or patience, but caramelizing onions is one of those amazing magic tricks you should learn to do someday.
  2. While your onions cook and then cool, mix your tofu, Vegg, salt and pepper, and nooch into a mixing bowl. Use a fork to mash the tofu. Do not puree or blend it, as it’s much more authentically egg-like when simply mashed roughly.
  3. Add your onions to the tofu mixture.
  4. Once you’ve prebaked your pie shells for 10 minutes and cooked your onions, fill each shell with the onion tofu mixture and press gently down. Put all the shells in a large glass baking dish (or two) and bake at 350° for about 40 minutes.
  5. Check at 30 minutes to make sure yours aren’t burning.
  6. Ta daaa! Enjoy!
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Thanks Vegg people!
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“Is it dry in here?”
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THE SHADOW FINGERS WILL GET YOU, PIE DOUGH!
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Thiis is howw you dooo ittt
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You could also just eat the pie crusts plain.
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Onions overboard!!
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“You know, I don’t know what I’m looking for.”
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Don’t worry it’s not really egg!
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Adding the onions. Onions, man.
     These are actually really good! If you take the time to roll your pie dough out and cut them more carefully than I did, you could totally serve these at a dinner party. Or any kind of party. New Years Eve? Nothing like ringing in the new year with the smell of sulfur! I hope you enjoy!
*What was your favorite Jon Lovitz quote on “Friends”, from either of his episodes? Don’t you love when he says, “And I’m pretty sure…I’m infertile” because I do.
*Do you know who Johnny Dakota is?!?!
original comments: https://laughfrodisiac.weebly.com/my-own-creations/veganizing-friends-tarletstartletstartletsthe-word-has-lost-all-meaning
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Berlin Inspirations: Vegan Currywurst Is Almost As Gross As the Real Thing

September 23, 2014
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     Okay, today’s Berlin Inspiration really IS inspired by specific experiences during my travels! Currywurst, Germany’s favorite fast food, is a fried sausage cut up and served with curry ketchup sauce. Not only was currywurst sold on literally every corner in Berlin, in little hot dog vendor-style carts, but we also got to try vegan currywurst at Voner! So Voner’s was decent, but it was still covered in sweet ketchuppy curry sauce – that’s what makes it currywurst. Are you still wondering why it’s called currywurst? It’s because it’s the worst way to consume curry. Seriously. Currywurst is the food version of Mona Lisa Saperstein. 

No but really, millions of German people can’t be wrong about something sausage related. They’ve been wrong about several really important things, but I’m going to give them weird meat foods. So, it’s probably just me who thinks this is weird. And if that’s the case, well here’s a really easy recipe so you can see whether you like it or whether you agree with me that it’s the currywurst. 

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My first mistake mayyy have been buying something called “soya chunks” from the somewhat shady Indian grocery around the corner. They looked like an interesting sort of dog food when I saw them in the store, but they were cheap and I didn’t feel like spending a lot of money on ready-made vegan sausage. Sometimes it is better to spend more money on things you are going to eat. Anyway, I had high hopes that they would be better once cooked. These hopes were quickly dashed once I opened the bag and smelled, again, the smell of an interesting sort of dog food. I soaked them in water for several hours, which successfully engorged the nuggets but sadly strengthened the weird Kibbles-y smell. So, no matter how or how long I cooked them, they were likely never going to be delicious. But let’s try it anyway, I said! (Or you should just use a better sausage substitute. Like anything.)
CURRYWURST
Ingredients:

  • 1 small onion, diced
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 tablespoon curry powder
  • 1 teaspoon paprika
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 2 cups vegan sausage of some sort don’t use what I used because gross
  • 1/3 cup ketchup (ew)

Directions:

  1. Saute the onion in the oil for about 6 minutes. You know how to do this!
  2. Add the curry and paprika and stir for a minute. 
  3. Add the water and the ketchup and mix well. Bring to a boil, then simmer uncovered and let it reduce until thickened. 
  4. If you are using a sausage sub that needs to be cooked, like I did, you can boil it with the sauce. Otherwise, you can pour the sauce over it when it’s done (more authentic). 
  5. If you used a regular kind of vegan sausage or you made your own seitan, brava! Go eat this! If you used soya chunk chow for big dogs instead, don’t eat it. Also don’t give it to dogs. So mean. Dogs are the best. 

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The last time everything was OK.

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Sure, like adding another squirt of ketchup is going to help

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Oh sure add more curry powder, that’s going to make a difference.
How do you feel about currywurst? I would honestly love to know. Have you ever had it in Germany? Have you made your own? What should I do with the rest of my bag of soya chunks? Should I ask for a refund? Enjoy!!!!

Yummy Pasta Alert! Apple-Sage Sausage, Chard, & Cashew-Pistachio Cream

July 29, 2014
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     I only made this because I like using hyphens. And because it’s uhhhmazing! This is rapidly becoming my favorite pasta dish. It’s really easy but it tastes like it’s difficult. You cook the best type of Field Roast sausage, the apple sage kind, with its perfectly paired green – rainbow swiss chard – and put it over fusilli. Then, you whip up this amazing creamy cheesy sauce in two seconds in your blender, and voila! Breakfast! No that’s from “Rookie of the Year”! I mean dinner! Or breakfast! Whatever you want dude! 

             I like to pair this pasta with a simple green salad without dressing, because I’ll inevitably wipe up the remaining sauce with the leaves, as I do with any salad and any sauce. Also, I used quinoa-brown rice pasta (from Trader Joe’s) for this, so it can be easily made gluten-free. Of course, I’m not sure about any of the sauce ingredients being gluten-free. And, of courser, the Field Roast sausage is made of gluten, I’m pretty sure. But then even more of courser, most punks nowadays claiming they are gluten-free only mean they don’t want to eat pasta and bread because scary carbs/they don’t understand nutrition and people with real gluten allergies already know what they can and can’t eat so I don’t have to worry about it. So! 
Gluten-Free (or Not! Probably Not!) Pasta with Apple-Sage Sausage, Swiss Chard, & Cashew-Pistachio Cream
The foods
Ingredients:

  • 1 pound fusilli pasta (make sure it’s gluten-free because carbs and idiots)
  • 2T olive oil
  • 1 medium onion, chopped small
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 pound Swiss Chard (I love getting the pre-washed bag of rainbow chard from Trader Joe’s), chopped
  • 1 package Field Roast Apple Sage Sausages (4 little wieners), diced in small half-moons

Directions: 

  1. Cook the pasta according to package directions and set aside. Don’t leave in the colander in the sink where people might wash dog food off their hands because then you will have to repeat this instruction. 
  2. Heat the onion in the oil in a large pot on medium-high heat and cook for about 5 minutes until browning.
  3. Add the garlic and cook for another 2 minutes.
  4. Add the sausage and cook through for about 5 minutes, adding a little water if it sticks too much.
  5. Pour the chard on top of the cooking sausage, adding a tiny bit of water (like less than 1/4C), and cover to let it cook down. The moisture from the chard will help the sausage cook and not stick so don’t add too much water.
  6. When everything is cooked, pour the pasta into the pot and stir everything through.

Cream sauce
Ingredients: 

  • 1/2 C raw cashews (buy the pieces; they are cheaper!)
  • 1/3 C raw pistachios
  • 2 cloves garlic
  • 1/2 C unsweetened original almond milk
  • 2t dijon mustard
  • 2t miso
  • 2t tamari
  • lots and lots of black pepper
  • 1/2C nutritional yeast (NOOCH)
  • 1-2 handfuls of fresh parsley 

Directions:

  1. Dump everything in a high-speed blender. (If you only have a regular blender, you’ll prob have to pre-soak your nuts.)
  2. Blend until smooth.
  3. Pour over the pasta.
  4. Enjoy!!!!

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Party girls don’t get hurt

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Can’t feel anything, when will I learn

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I push it down, push it downnnn

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123 123 drink, throw em back till I lose count

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IIIIII’M GONNA SWIIIIIIING FROM THE CHANDELIEEEERRRR

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FROM THE CHANDELIEEEEEERRRR

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Yuuummm! You should eat with a fork because it is pasta (and maybe salad). I used a spoon because I don’t like dirtying extra things. Also I usually just use my fingers. And my face.
I really loved the fresh parsley as an addition to an otherwise heavy cream. You can use this sauce in so many ways: over tofu or tempeh, in mashed potatoes (ERMA P. GERD), over pretty much anything you want except ice cream. I hope you enjoy! 

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I’M GONNA FLYYYY LIKE A BIRD THROUGH THE NIGHT
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