Madrid: It’s Pretty Awesome Even If You Don’t See Penelope & Javier

When we were planning our almost-month-and-a-half in China, I chose a few places I wanted to go and added them to our ever-growing list of possibilities: Huangshan which we did and which failed us miserably; the rice terraces outside Yangshuo; and Danxia, the incredible colorful geopark at Zhangye. Unfortunately, we didn’t have time to fit the latter two into our schedule given the train times and buses and how far they were from other things we were doing. That’s okay, there was so much to see in this country and I wasn’t tooo disappointed at not being able to fit in a visit to the natural beauty of the mountainous rock formations that somehow made insane colors of rock that will blow your mind. Okay, I was a little disappointed. 

​Which is why I was SO SUPER PUMPED when the company that booked all of our China train tickets made a last minute suggestion to our itinerary that would make me sublimely happy. We planned all the routes we wanted and our whole schedule (okay Z did) but we (very wisely) hired a Chinese company called China DIY Travel to book the actual tickets. (Have you looked at the ticket booking websites?? THEY ARE IN CHINESE. Have you spoken to an agent at a train station ticket office? They do not speak English and they do NOT try to work with you to communicate. Hire this company if you are going.) Helen, the representative at China DIY who assisted us the whole time, was amazing and I love her. I mostly love her because the week before we were to leave Xi’an for Dunhuang, she sent us an email that said she had been looking at our itinerary and saw that we were just doing a 24-hour sleeper train from Xi’an to Dunhuang, which sounds dire. She said “I have a crazy idea” that we should take a newly launched bullet train (so fast, nicer, kind of like Amtrak?) from Xi’an to a little town called Zhangye that would take less than 7 hours, in order to stop at Zhangye and hire a taxi to drive us an hour and a half to DANXIAAAAAA THE ROCK FORMATION GEOPARK AHHHH YESSS HELEN YOU’RE AMAZING. Then we could have from about 3pm to midnight to get to the park and see the park (plenty of time!) and then return to Zhangye station for a midnight sleeper train that would get us to Dunhuang at 7am. So that would make it 14 hours on two broken up trains instead of 24 on one long one, AND in between we get to see the big f-ing thing I wanted to see so badly! It was a no-brainer. We responded to Helen and said YASSS QUEEN and her response had us crying hysterically we were laughing so hard. Get this: She responded all excited and ended her email of our new instructions with the sentence “I really hope you can have one beautiful place to visit in West of China.” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Meaning all the many things we are seeing in the rest of western China are not so much to look at (but it has a great personality?) which I pretty much agree with her about. Z insists that she didn’t intend her words to come out that way and just meant ‘a’ beautiful place in western China, not ‘the only’, but that’s the way I want to take it and you can’t take that away from me. Anyway all this to say, WE WENT TO DANXIA AND IT WAS JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE PICTURES WHEN YOU GOOGLE!

​Okay…maybe not AS beautiful or as shockingly colorful as those — because most of the pictures online are photoshopped to increase the color saturation to really make it look even crazier than it is. But the real stuff doesn’t need photoshop! I was prepared to see a much duller (not boring dull, but in terms of color talk) landscape than I saw online and I was fine with that. But it was still so spectacular! I was so impressed and wowed by the color streaks and brightness of this natural phenomenon. So, we did not do any photoshopping (do I ever edit my pictures? lol no way takes too long), but we took every single picture three times – once in normal mode, once in ‘sunset’ mode, and once in ‘expressive color’ mode. Here is the same shot in each of those modes, in that order of normal/sunset/color (/sugar/butter/flour). Erma P I’m gonna do my first slideshow! Dance emoji dance emoji!

So you can see how much variation can exist in photos. You probably are thinking, well that color mode one, that looks a bit like you’re being just as bad as the photoshopping fakers abounding on the internet. But actually, that mode best represents what it really looked like in person! THIS IS TRUTH. The normal mode is sooo lackluster and drab and it’s really not accurate. CAMERA LIES. So I’m going to switch around which versions of the pictures I share depending on what best represents how it really looked in person. Twas amaze. 

​Before we share all the pictures (we took hundos, each), let’s backtrack and share every detail of my day like I do. 
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We landed in Zhangye and immediately tried to find food. Outside the train station – Zhangye West, the newer one – is a ring of small restaurants with no menus and no English and just a few tables and like a guy you try to talk to. We went in one that had pictures on the walls and people were smoking so we left. We went in another and they had a No Smoking sign. WE WERE STAYING FOREVER. 

​The man working there was incredibly helpful despite not knowing any English. We used our phones to communicate that I wanted him to give me all the tofu and all the vegetables they had and I tried to get it to say “You probably think I just mean I want a lot of tofu and vegetables, but what I said was, give me ALL the tofu and all the vegetables you have” but that didn’t work. The guy asked if spicy was okay and if we wanted noodles and we were like yes and sure? and he made me one of the best meals I had in all of China I’m not even kidding. It was a giant bowl of super spicy chili oiled broth with tofu and broccoli and leafy greens and deliciousness and then, like he read my mind, a SEPARATE bowl of noodles so I could just take the amount I wanted. It was SO GOOD. And so spicy. BUT SO GOOD. 

​Here is the outside so if you find yourself in Zhangye you go to the nicest man’s shop and not the gross other ones. 

​Super full, we then we like, okay now onto Danxia. But…it was THE WORST WEATHER. Remember the aforementioned horrible weather we encountered in Huangshan, my OTHER important beloved choice, that ended up failing us? It was like that – cold, rainy, foggy, very low visibility. In short, a terrible day to visit a site that requires good visibility. We were so upset about that but I was more upset that apparently Universe wanted to ruin all the things I particularly wanted to do! Does the universe not want me to make decisions because that’s a TERRIBLE lesson. Z was tentative about going all the way to Danxia and paying all the money for a taxi to take us there and then wait for hours and then take us back (that’s what you’re supposed to do because there aren’t taxis at the site) if we might not even see anything. But I was like are you kidding, we are definitely going and trying and seeing what we came to see because we came all this way to and ALEXANDER I CAME ALL THIS WAY SHE CAME ALL THIS WAY ALL THIS WAY.  And thank goodness we went because, while I’m sure it’s even more stunning on sunny days, it was REMARKABLE. It was definitely one of my favorite places. 

So we found a cab very quickly (we were still in the station’s parking lot pretty much) and showed her a message in Chinese that Helen had written for us, saying essentially “please take me to Danxia, and wait, and then drive me back to the main train station” (our night train left from the other station in town – yes even tiny towns you never heard of in China are big enough to warrant two train stations). Helen said it cost her 180 yuan 3 years ago when she did it, and we were just hoping for under 300 given the expected upcharge for not being Chinese/able to haggle, and the lady driving said 240 so we were okay with that! (That’s about $36 which for China is a lot-ish but we were like that is almost the flag-drop in London taxis, so, score.) Also it was a lady cab driver which we liked. 

​Of course, this being China and us being in a taxi, something ridiculous had to happen. After about ten minutes of driving, the lady pulled over on the side of the road next to a man in a nice jacket that I assumed at first glance was from Jack Wolfskin but it actually said “Jake Wolfking” and despite how delighted this made us, we were still very concerned about wtf was going on. Lady got out and man got in and we were like HEY LADY, what’s happening? She didn’t speak English, she just pointed to the man and nodded. We had no idea what was going on! Luckily, we worked out with the man that he was her husband and was just taking over our long job. JFC it is a mess not being able to communicate. So all was okay just a slight scare. 

​We got to Danxia at about 4:45 and they had a GIANT building with a GIANT sign that said ‘toilets’ and they were pretty clean. And then the little road to the ticket office was full of camel-shaped (somehow, I know) wooden stalls selling melons and nannerpusses. It was already my favorite place in China.

And it got even better. We bought tickets – under 100 yuan each, which is not bad (like $15), and it includes the (pretty required) shuttle bus around the ENORMOUS, ENDLESS grounds – and got on the shuttle bus to the first amazing area, about 10 minutes down the mountain road, and I was SO HAPPY. It was BIG and BEEYOOOTIFUL! Every area has stairs up to the top of that peak (omg so much climbing) and platforms to walk along to see all views, plus signs and stuff for the highlights. Our first highlight was Sleeping Beauty, the sign for which reads, and this is verbatim, “The earth beauty that was formed during the Cretaceous Period and the nature gives birth to and makeunders after long-term weathering, has relieved and soft lines, fruity and lithe and graceful figure, and colorful dress. We don’t know it is a fairy or dragon out of the sea, but we want to stay here indeed, because it stands here for one hundred million year.” I MEAN. WAS I IN HEAVEN, YES. 

​OH this is a good time to tell you an important bit of info: We entered at the north gate, but there are east and west gates too. And, the shuttle you catch at each gate is different, they take you on different routes around the grounds, so you see different things. Now, there is a transfer station at the middle, so you can hop on all the various shuttles and see all the things (just remember to get on your gate’s right bus at the end so you find your taxi), but it took us a full three hours to see everything just up to that transfer station! (That’s also the last station before the north gate.) This place is ENORMOUS! Three hours of driving and climbing and more driving (for long stretches, too), and we saw maaaybe half, probably less. And it was all incredible! I think we saw the highlights. What do you think?

​And, OF COURSE, there were amazing signs. Crucial (not) commentary in the captions. 

Even though it was freezing and I was a shibber, I felt JOY for the first time in weeks. I’m just kidding I know I complain a lot (a lot a lot) but I liked most of China and most of what we did this is just my platform for venting. But I really loved this place. It’s up there with the Great Wall on my list of Mosts. 

​I didn’t even share the best part yet – at every shuttle dropoff point was a TOILET! And not a disgusting outhouse but a real building with walls and floors and stuff. (Okay it’s not the best part but it’s up there.)

The only negative about this experience (besides the weather) is that a lot of people were staring and very conspicuously taking photos of me, because I am white. FFS, even the ONLY other white person we saw here (actually the only one all day and for days after) took a picture of (well with) us because he bet his Chinese wife that they wouldn’t see any other foreigners so he had to make proof of it? But that wasn’t as upsetting as all the Chinese men and teenage girls (seriously, just those two demos) taking my photo and laughing. It almost ruined my whole day. A few times I said to the person ‘that’s really not okay please don’t’ and they understood I think from my face and tone that shiz was not cool but they just shrugged. Arghhhhh.

While it dampened my spirits (so they could match my clothes!) it did not tarnish the beauty of this amazing place.

We got back to Mr. Wolfking at almost 8pm, bought two tubs of camel-stall melon (I felt like a having pounds of watermelon and cantaloupe for dinner, it’s so good here), drove to the station and had about three hours to kill before our midnight train to Dunhuang (leaving on a midnight traaaaain) so we just putzed around the station and stuff. And to top off an amazing day, this train, which was yet another K train, was the nicest of all the K’s! It had soap in the sink area! It was clean! We bought out the other two beds again (#ghostchildren) and could use all the extra pillows and blankets and NOT BE ITCHY FROM THEM! The attendants were nice! It was smoky but just ever so slightly less so! It was only 7 hours so it was a shame that we didn’t have this one for a longer journey. When I mentioned that, Z asked if that meant I wanted to stay on longer and I immediately turned into Randolph & Mortimer (should start automatically at 0:40 but if it doesn’t, well, go to 0:40):

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Onto the next!

Almost one year ago, as we traveled across China by train, we were arriving in Xi’an to see the famed Terracotta Army and its thousands of impressive underground Warriors. If you followed along that journey, or just read that post, you know that seeing the Terracotta Warriors in Xi’an, although clearly amazing, was quite the harrowing experience. See, China has a lot of people. And most of those people were also trying to look into the excavated pits to see some of the Warriors when we were. To be fair that was our fault for going in August. We didn’t get the best view, and it was probably the most stressed out I’ve ever been. Haha that’s not true I’m stressed out all the time but still, wow. So when we heard that the Terracotta warriors (not all; there are thousands) were going on tour, and one of those tour stops would be Liverpool, we thought 1) jfc we went all the way to Xi’an to see them and they are coming a mere two hours from home?? 1b) it’s okay Xi’an was amazing and it was worth going, and 2) we should go to Liverpool and see our old friends again! So we did. And we liked it, and we loved it. 

We made a weekend out of the visit, and we really enjoyed ourselves more than we expected. Liverpool (pronounced LIV POOOO) is way on the opposite side of the country; here in London we’re in the southeast bit and Liverpool is all the way up on the northwest coast. It looks like it should be a pretty substantial journey to get there, but it’s a 2 1/2 hour train. Lol England is baby sized. 

We had our Terracotta Take 2 Tickets booked for Saturday afternoon, so we had time to stroll around and get a feel for the city first. I was a little biased towards liking it even before we explored, though, because I recently learned that the Liverpool football club’s team song is “You’ll Never Walk Alone”, as in the big song from “Carousel”. See, sports fans can be musical theatre fans too! I love that so much and I wonder if LFC fans are extra keen to see “Carousel” when it plays (side note you have until September 16 to catch the current Broadway revival!). We arrived the day of Liverpool’s Pride parade, so the city center was extra crowded (like Xi’an!) and extra colorful for us. We found ourselves on the famous Mathew street (one t for real), where we instantly became two of many tourists taking pictures of Beatles statues outside the famous Cavern Club, where the Beatles first became popular, playing super long sets during almost 300 appearances there. Of course, they were known as the Quarrymen at that time, and the position of Ringo was being filled by Pete Best. (I’ll tell you how I learned things infra.) 

The Cavern Club is where Brian Epstein, who would become the Beatles manager, first saw the group perform. During their performances in the early years, the boys would wear jeans and leather jackets, and they would smoke and drink the whole time. Omg and the stage was in the basement and there was no ventilation. Seeing the early Beatles is probably every person’s dream but it sounds like my nightmare. The fans were already rabid in these early years, so even though I find young fanatics of any era supes annoying, it annoys me extra when older people complain about young fans today, because like, that was you with the Beatles, dog. Anyway, Epstein is the one that made them start wearing suits, which elevated their whole vibe and coincidentally brought in a higher fee. Beatlemania soon broke out nationwide, and then they took over the entire world. 

I could tell you more about the Beatles right now, since 24 hours in Liverpool makes one quite the expert, but we’re going to take a short break to see the big f-ing thing we came for, the Terracotta Warriors. 

The exhibition, on until October, is located in the city center at the World Museum, and tickets are going fast so book online way ahead of time.

As you probably remember from the OG Terracotta Warriors post, this huge statuary army is some A-level grave robbing. Qin Shi Huang, the First Emperor of China, ordered all of these figures – warriors, chariots, horses – to be built and buried with him in a huge secret underground city of a grave in order to protect him in the afterlife. Wasn’t HE surprised! Work on the army began when the wee emperor was only 13 years old, in 246 BCE, so they’re hella old, and there’s hella lots of them – approximately 8,000 soldiers were buried with the emperor. Eventually, 700,000 workers were involved with this project in some capacity. 

This touring exhibit only has about 8 or so of the soldiers on display, so, a good deal less than you’d see in the gigantic excavated pits of Xi’an. But the exhibit has a good deal more information explaining the significance of the army and the historical relevance of the time period, so we actually learned more than we did in China – probably because all the signs were in Chinese and/or unable to be reached. This museum did a nice job putting together a complete exhibit even though nothing can rival seeing the thousands of statues in the pits. 

Although, the museum did try to rival the pits. Above is THE BEST INFORMATION SIGN EVER. Let’s break it down paragraph by paragraph, because each one has absolute GOLD, JERRY! First, we freaking died laughing (I’m sorry it was and still is very inappropriate NEVER LAUGH AT DEATH) that the emperor thought ‘hmm maybe I’ll drink this terrifying shape-shifting metal that when mixed with aluminum COMPLETELY FUCKS YOUR SHIT UP [have you seen that video?] to try to attain immortality OH NO WAIT I DIED FROM IT.’ It’s pretty funny.

It’s smart of him to think of plants and herbs to do the trick too, since mercury probably wasn’t so fun to eat, and I absolutely adore the idea of him sending out a crack team of his ‘trusted magician’ plus THOUSANDS OF CHILDREN to find some magic plants on secret beautiful islands. Um, WHY the children? What on earth was his thought process? Besides the obvious “oh i’m so forked up on mercury rn.” Was he like, oh the spirits of the hidden islands probably won’t show their magical lands to anyone but innocent children, so let’s round up thousands and send them into the sea. I GUARANTEE that that magician, if he was worth his salt, took the kids and found an island refuge and was like ‘we are NEVER going back to that lunatic, he will kill us all at some point.’ “Sadly they never return” = “thank god Xu Fu decided to save those kids.” 

And lastly, hoo boy, HOW MANY MAGICIANS DID THIS GUY HAVE? I guess if he had 3,000 spare kids to send off on an island-finding adventure, he had more than his fair share of magicians to send hither and thither looking for, ostensibly, weed, but I just love that all these signs kept referring to more and more of his endless supply of magicians. I mean, someone holler at this boy that if sooo many people are claiming to be magicians, it’s just math that some of them are lying. But my favorite part is that he and the fam sought immortality so hard that they tried to ensure it even after they died. ‘Oh let’s put these symbols of immortal beings in our tombs for when we die so maybe they will grant us immortality.’ Guys, did noooo one hear themselves? 

One of my favorite parts of the exhibit was a gorgeous suit made entirely of jade tiles. It was for one of the emperor’s family members, to be buried in…inside his tomb…after his death…in order to ensure immortality. Oh it’s TOO GOOD. But at least all their superstitions about the afterlife paid off for us! It was cool to see our old warrior friends again and remember all the good times we had in Xi’an. 

Next, more Beatles. 

Everywhere you go in Liverpool, you’ll either see a pub with a Beatly name (e.g. The Sergeant Pepper), or hear Beatles music playing from somewhere, or see Beatles gift shops, or statues, or all of them at once, usually. But the official, actually great Beatles museum is called The Beatles Story, and it’s near the river (which is called the Mersey, which is what you will be asking for after you hear ‘Help!’ 5 times in a row in certain pubs). Entry to the Beatles Story is $17 (that’s pounddollars), which seems like a lot if you’re someone like me who is like ‘eh yeah I guess the Beatles were good’, but it’s actually well worth it. This is one of the most entertaining, informative museums. I think the key to enjoying yourself is timing – we arrived at about 6:30pm on a Saturday night, pre-dinner. It closes at 8pm, but we were assured we’d have time to finish the whole thing. When we arrived, the staff was honestly so happy for us. They all kind of exclaimed, “Wow you are brilliant for coming here now!” Apparently, at all other hours, especially on weekends, the place is packed to the gills with people. And since we returned the next morning to visit the gift shop, we saw how true this was. Just the line for tickets alone snaked around and around the entry hall, packed with school groups and visitors from all over Europe. In contrast, on this Saturday evening, we were the only people in that entryway. Amazing tip I just gave you. It was a little tight to finish in time (they let us stay till about 8:15pm), but overall it was great. 

The museum takes you through the entirety of their lives – starting with their childhoods, families, and when they first started playing instruments, going through their early Quarrymen years, the Epstein partnership, the albums, the movies, the world takeover, and the deaths/later years. All of it. There’s an audioguide that is included with the ticket price, and it’s very good. Sometimes it doesn’t quite match up with the order of the rooms, but the information is really interesting and helpful. 

The coolest part is that the basement is a recreated version of the Cavern Club – so you’d go down the rickety steps into the completely unventilated basement room and see the bar, the stage, and the chairs lined up for the audience. It was very cool, and there was tons of information everywhere about how Epstein took over management, how he and the rest of the band asked Pete Best to leave and Ringo Starr to join, how their early devout fans rioted about the change, &c. 

When you leave the stage and enter the next room, be warned that the ventilation status (i.e. there is none) gets a whole lot worse and kind of smelly. It was like being behind a restaurant with all that weird hot exhaust blowing out. So hurry on through and get to the more fun times, like the magical mystery tour bus! 

Move along the halls and get all your timeframes mixed up (this is where the signage and audio started to get confused a bit, prob from all the LSD) and soon you’ll run into the yellow submarine! Guests can enter the sub and take pictures inside, which we did obviously. It was good silly fun to break up all the sad stories before and after, like about Epstein, and Lennon, and George, and America I guess. 

We learned a good deal about each of the men (and Yoko too), especially Paul and John since they were the starriest of them. John’s activism was pretty weird. There were lots of pictures of him and Yoko sitting in bed with paper bags over their heads. Not really sure what they were going for but it was anti-war, which is good. My favorite bit of information is that Paul now owns a publishing company, MPL Communications, and they own the rights to Grease, A Chorus Line, and Guys & Dolls. I think it is hilarious that little community theatres putting on these shows are paying Paul McCartney. 

I definitely recommend paying a visit to the Beatles Story Museum, which taught me 99% of everything I know about the Beatles (I didn’t know much before). They have a great gift shop too, with lots of fun shirts and pieces of crap that no one needs but everyone really wants. The shop is open to the (non-ticketed) public.

​As a final stop on our Beatles Tour of Liverpool, we drove down Penny Lane. Yes it’s an actual road they wrote the song about. It’s nowhere close to the city center, however. We saw a few black cabs bringing tourists over here to take their pictures, which is probably the easiest option for visitors. There were also giant tour buses but they can’t actually make the turn onto the narrow road. We had the good fortune of being driven down the lane by our friend’s parents. (Thanks again!)

If you came here for the Beatles tourism information, that’s where we end, unforch. But we  have a few more famous Liverpool sights to look at. First up, the Bombed Out Church. I KNOW. That’s literally its name. 

The Bombed Out Church, named by stoned people?, was once called St. Luke’s Church but then it got bombed in World War II, in 1941 during the Liverpool Blitz, and it has been a ruin and a memorial to those lost in the war ever since. It looks down Bold Street, which is Liverpool center’s most famous/happening/hip af street, so I guess it needed a really cool name. Cool name, guys. 

While it was a still functioning church, it was also intended to be used as a venue for ceremonial worship and as a concert venue. I bet whoever set those original usage restrictions had no idea what would happen in 2018:

I find these posters kind of hilarious, the Gin Party one in a ‘wow even churches in England are alcoholics’ kind of way and the comedy one in ‘hooooly, TOO SOON!’ kind of way. I mean come on, “explosive” comedy? at the Bombed Out church? TOO SOON. So funny. 

The last sight we had to see (and had time to see) (time to see what we had time to see! turn the projector on!) was the Three Graces. These are three landmark buildings along the Mersey waterfront, and I have no idea why they are called the Graces and not just like Nice Historic Buildings but maybe someone out there does. The three buildings are: the Royal Liver Building, which opened in 1911 to be the home of the Royal Liver Assurance group and was one of the first buildings in the world to be built using reinforced concrete; the Cunard Building, built between 1914-1917 as the headquarters of the Cunard Line, the cruise line that built the Lusitania (the White Star Line, the makers of the Titanic, were across the street at the time); and the Port of Liverpool Building, constructed between 1904-1907 and the headquarters of the Mersey Docks and Harbour Board for 87 years. The Three Graces are part of Liverpool’s UNESCO-designated World Heritage Maritime Mercantile City. 

​Here are pictures of the Three Graces with the Four Beatles in front. 

Anyway, I’m happy to report that Australian Wendy Tuck was the winning skipper this year, the first woman to win. Yay for you, Wendy! And yay for me never having to do this, please. 

As you can see, even just 24 hours in Liverpool can be full of lots of fun, lots of arts, lots of culture (‘that’s Petah Tikva!’), and reminders of your nightmares. I would not be opposed to returning to this great city, even though I was there on a Saturday night in the summertime – which means I saw no less than FIFTY suuuuper drunken hen dos (bachelorette parties) with brides-to-be in bright pink sashes in like a 3-block radius. They really pack in the hen dos in this town, jee oh boy. We also saw a few of the stereotypical stag dos (bachelor parties), where they make the groom-to-be dress like a baby and walk around town in a giant diaper. If I can get through that and be happy to return, that must mean it’s a pretty cool city. 

It also had some incredible vegan food; I was shocked at the number of signs in restaurant windows I saw advertising their vegan options. You can read about our fancy lunch at the Art School here, and here for a look at the best dinner ever (, one of).