Veganizing “Friends”: My FAJITAS!!!

October 6, 2013

Blurry floating food! Guac in background!

We’re at that point in our Veganizing “Friends” fun when we have to acknowledge the worst mistake my beloved show ever made: Trying to make Rachel & Joey happen. UGH! The worst, right? Even if you didn’t like Ross, you still wanted him to end up with Rachel. (It’s pretty much the point of the show, though Monica & Chandler’s relationship was my favorite.) And even if you are some Crazy McCrazerson who didn’t want Ross & Rachel together, there’s no way in hayell that you wanted Rachel & Joey together! It’s like incest! And weird! Awkward for everyone, and especially awkward for Ross. Which brings us to FAJITAS. (I’m legally bound to use all caps.)
As you may recall, Ross understandably but wrongly decides that the best course of action in response to the news of Rachel & Joey is to pretend that he’s fine with it. Not just fine, but fiiiiine. I think he says “I’m fiiiine” about 30 times during the course of this episode. The episode is even called “The One Where Ross Is Fine”! You gotta feel bad for him, even if he acts like a total ass.

To further convince everyone that he’s fiiiine, an unhinged Ross plans a double date dinner party with Rachel, Joey, and Ross’s current girlfriend Charlie. Oh it’s going to be weeeeeird. But he’s making FAJITAS!
The internet really wants me to make Ross’s FAJITAS. So many videos and gifs! It’s like Christmas! Or Cinco de Mayo! So guess what?

How much do you love his face in the above? If your memory of the episode is rusty, watch the video on the left. Warning: He is extremely hyperactive and agita-inducing in this video, and the editing doesn’t help. But it’s still worth it. If you just want to hear Ross say FAJITAS, watch the one on the right.

Let’s get down to the cooking, shall we? Fajitas and tacos are usually seen as interchangeable, as long as they involve meat, because when most people think fajitas, they think of the sizzling cast iron pan of meat. In fact, fajita originally referred to the cut of beef used in the dish, hence differentiating it from a taco. I also like to think that the tortillas for fajitas are bigger, but that’s probably due to my first fajita experience like 20 years ago.
While we’re definitely going to use bigazz tortillas for wrapping up all the components (and saute a lot of onions of peppers because that’s what stands out to me!), we’re not going to try to veganize the cut of skirt steak to make these FAJITAS more authentic. F that! I’m in the mood for tempeh, so I’m making tempeh! The most brilliant part of Mexican cuisine is that you can wrap a bunch of different things in a tortilla and it’s freaking delicious. Here’s what I did for my FAJITAS:

COMPONENTS:

Browned salty tempeh
Black beans
Grilled Delicata squash (because you can eat the skin!)
Burnt-ish Brussels sprouts
Sauteed onions, peppers, few tomatoes and broccoli
Lettuce and tomato
Guacamole
Bigazz whole grain tortillas

For the tempeh:

First, crumble your tempeh in a small saucepan, and just about cover it with water and 1T soy sauce or tamari.
Bring to a boil, and let it cook for about 10 minutes, until all of the water is absorbed. This helps alleviate the bitter taste.
Once all the water is gone, add another 1T of soy sauce or tamari. Add other flavorings if you want, but I like it like this.
Cook on medium heat for another 10 minutes, burning some pieces if you want.

For the onions and peppers:

Dice and saute about 1 large onion and 2 peppers of whatever color you prefer. You know how to do this.

Adding the stuff to the pan

For the squash and beans:

Cut the squash into long thin strips about 2 inches long.
Saute in a bit of olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper (all to taste) until browning.
Flip the pieces to brown both sides. When you flip, add a can of black beans (rinsed of course).

Post-beans

For the Brussels sprouts:
I know you know by now that these are one of my favorite foods, when properly doused in oil and nearly burnt. Amaaaazing.

Get a pound of shaved Brussels sprouts and lay them on a parchment covered baking sheet.
Pour some olive oil on top (don’t hold back…just go for it) and massage the sprouts with your hands to distribute the oil.
Shake some salt and pepper on top.
Bake at 375 for about 15-20 minutes, until the side pieces are hella burnt.

Lots of things in various bowls!

Beautiful, innit

Why do veggies always shrink down to nothing! I mean, I know why, but still why.

Pre-beans

I think that’s everything! Get some lettuce, tomato, salsa, make your favorite guacamole, and layer all of these various parts on top of your tortilla. I know nothing is really sizzling, but I tend to burn my hands often and badly, (like Ross!) so I left that part out. You go on with your sizzling self, though!