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In Which I Make The Greatest Cream Pie Ever Eaten By Humans

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     I’m tired of pie crust. That’s right, I said that. That just happened. I’ve made so many lately, going through so much palm-oil-laced Earth Balance, that I presently have no desire to eat any more buttery layers or bake with questionable morals. But it was my dad’s birthday recently, and when I ask him what he wants for his birthday ‘cake’, he always says Boston cream pie. Well, not exactly. He recounts what he would have as a child: a Sara Lee graham crust with “soft, gray chocolate” (ew) layer and white cream on top. I’m not sure that’s a Boston cream pie, and when I made the one from Vegan Pie in the Sky, he said it was nothing like what he remembers (though delicious). So I winged a recipe from scratch and you’ll have to make it now because, like I said, best pie ever. And it’s so easy to make! No weird ingredients, and so much wiggle room with the ingredients.
     What’s the secret, you ask? It’s my aforementioned (likely momentary) abhorrence for regular pie crust. Instead of dealing with that nonsense, I altered a batch of my favorite cinnamon sugar cookies and spread the batter into the pie shell. It baked up like nobody’s business, puffing up uncontrollably and amazingly, rising and rising like a souffle. As it cooled, it fortunately sank a little (so I could fit the other components on top), but it was the most delicious and most fun pie crust ever. I see a lot of cookie crusts in my future.

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     What about the soft, gray chocolate, you ask? First, I put out of my mind the question of what on earth Sara Lee did to chocolate to give it those qualities. Then, I set about my usual daily activity of melting a pot of dark chocolate, wondering what I could add to it to prevent it from hardening. I needed fat, I knew that, and some milk. For the fat, I used a combination of full-fat coconut milk and Earth Balance, in order to significantly decrease the amount of butter used. I also had to add sugar, because my dad hates dark chocolate. It worked out really well, resulting it a soft, creamy chocolate layer that kept its proper coloring. 
      As for the top layer, I used silken tofu, a drop of peanut butter for consistency (just enough for a hint of nuttiness but not enough to tell it’s PB, so any nut butter would work), and just a tiny bit of sweetener to offset the very sweet bottom layer and the very rich middle layer. The result was pretty much perfection. 

CINNAMON CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE
Notes: will kick Sara Lee’s soft gray behind
FOR THE COOKIE CRUST 
Ingredients: 

  • 1C white sugar
  • 3T brown sugar
  • 1/2C canola oil
  • 1 1/2t blackstrap molasses
  • 1t vanilla
  • 3T almond milk
  • 1t cinnamon
  • 1t baking powder
  • 1/2t baking soda
  • 1/2t salt
  • scant 2C flour

Directions: 

  1. Preheat the oven to 350° F
  2. Beat the sugars with the liquid ingredients until caramelly.
  3. In a separate bowl, mix the dry ingredients together.
  4. Add the bowls together and mix the batter very well. 
  5. Press the batter into a glass pie dish and bake for 15-20 minutes. I needed the 20 (it’s super thick), but don’t let it burn. 
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Before cooking, but you can still eat it because no eggs!
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Look how puffy!!!
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IT’S BIG AND BEEYOOOOTIFUL!
FOR THE CHOCOLATE FILLING
Ingredients:

  • 1 1/2C almond milk
  • 1/4C full-fat coconut milk
  • 1/4C vegan butter
  • 1/4C sugar
  • pinch salt
  • 3-4 oz. semi-sweet chocolate

Directions:

  1. In a small saucepan, mix the milks and the butter and bring to a low boil.
  2. Reduce the heat and add the chocolate, salt and sugar. Stir slowly until melted.
  3. Remove from heat, let cool for about 10 minutes.
  4. Pour over the pie crust and refrigerate for about an hour.
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How many pictures of melting chocolate in this saucepan are on this blog
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Just go ahead and stick your face in it


FOR THE WHITE CREAM

Ingredients:

  • 1 package silken tofu
  • 2T peanut butter (or any nut butter)
  • 4T liquid sweetener – maple syrup, agave, brown rice syrup (I used a mix) (more to taste)
  • 1/4C powdered sugar

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The top cream is thin, so it gets messy, but it’s delicious. A delicious mess.
Directions: 

  1. Blend it all in a blender until smooth.
  2. Pour it over the pie and refrigerate for several hours. 
Like I said this was amazing. It’s messy, especially if you cut into it before it’s fully set like we did. But we didn’t care because it was sooo good. Hot damn. Go make it! 
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