Crazy Mother Hubbard: What To Do With The World’s Largest Squash, Part 2 – Low-Sugar Squash Muffins

    Going into dinner at Crossroads, my first ever meal in Los Angeles, I was wary. I knew of Tal Ronnen, famous celebrity chef behind Oprah’s 21-day vegan challenge and Ellen’s wedding, and I was super psyched to finally eat at his fancy well-known restaurant on Melrose (so I could say “We’re going to Melrose” in Ambular’s voice). But I had heard from several people whose opinions I trust, and none of them agreed on whether the food was disappointing or BRE (best restaurant ever). Either the consistency at Crossroads is just nonexistent or some of my friends have the Sookie-preggers-tastebud-crazytimes, but luckily I guess I went on a good night. No, a great night. A freaking fantastic, fabulous night because this dinner was off the chizzz, people, and despite an absolutely stellar week of eating in L.A. (which will be my next like bajillion posts), Crossroads was the highlight among all highlights.

   Now, not everything was perfect. Far from it. The service was nicht so good; we will get to that later. Notably, the lighting was not good for pictures, as you will be able to clearly (or blurrily) see. This is really upsetting because the food is so beautifully plated, but I guess they’re of the old-school belief that food is for eating and not photographing. Amateurs. No it’s not a big deal just a warning so you don’t keep shouting ah my eyes! Also, I was seated so I faced the bar, and there was a semi-famous woman sitting directly in my line of vision and I couldn’t figure out who she was! So that was a bummer! I think some sort of Real Housewife or mob wife or some such person I should probably be glad I can’t name. The group at the table next to us had to have been some sort of band or something. One of the guys was a f-ing slob, wearing like dirty pajamas to this insanely nice restaurant, and he was hairier than if Rob Delaney got turned into a woolly mammoth. Like his hair and his beard were on the table. So gross. And another guy was a dead ringer for Noel Fielding, giant witch’s hat and all. They have to be famouses, right? Or is that just how regulars in L.A. are too?
   But the food was epic. So epic that I place Crossroads in the Michelin series I write. No, it doesn’t have a star, but you know what? It was much better than some meals that had even multiple stars attached (and it was more expensive erma p gerd) so I’m tagging it as such. CHANGE APPROVED. Also, Husband and I went with two local friends, so it was one vegan and three omnivores. They were all blown away by every course. Like BUHH LOWN away. I was so happy just for that! Let’s get down to it.

       The concept is small plates, tapas style, allegedly coming out as each was ready but we realized that the sequence was actually following the menu order, which made more sense than otherwise. The waitress recommended 4-5 dishes per person, and I think we did 3-4 each (all for sharing) and had trouble finishing the final dishes, so keep that in mind. We started with the Charred Ricotta, served with crostini and apricot thyme glaze. I was never a huge cheese person, like I never cried and pissed and moaned about having to give it up like other prospective vegans do at all times, but this new wave of artisan (meaningless) vegan cheese is extraordinary, and this dish was a prime example of it. I don’t know what it’s made of, but unlike the plain whipped tofu I’ve had at other places who call such an abomination ricotta, this was amazing. I wish I could have this dish delivered to my house every single day, but that would be supes gross after a 12 hour flight. And then customs and stuff? Ugh. I’d still eat it.
    Our other small starter was the Watercress and Peach Salad, which was refreshing and must have been pretty good considering I don’t particularly like watercress and I had eaten the peach of my liiife the day before. Oh California produce. The salad was tossed with hazelnuts and a mint vinaigrette, which was happily not minty at all. Strong start.

Next up was probably my favorite part of the entire dinner, and I think the dish that most impressed by friends. The Artichoke Oysters were served and eaten like oysters, with the little ball of artichoke puree, yellow tomato bearnaise, and kelp caviar over a grilled oyster mushroom and served on a meaty piece of artichoke heart. Oh my goodness, this is the most impressive thing I’ve eaten in a while. Just the sheer creativity of making something like that, and the genius in executing it perfectly, boggles the mind. I’m just obsessed! In the middle was a scoop of seaweed, my favorite thing, but I didn’t realize it until someone else ate it. And I didn’t even care! That’s how good these oysters were. Holy crap. Next time some asshat tries to have an argument about the whole ‘can’t vegans eat oysters they’re plants right?’ just be like why would you eat enlarged bougers when you could eat artichoke oysters? 

   You’d think maybe after the life-changing events of the ricotta and the oysters, that the 300 subsequent dishes would be slightly disappointing, but you’d be mistaken. Everything was on such a high level, it felt almost criminal to be enjoying it without being Ellen myself. We tried another salad next, the Grilled Romaine, and although it was very difficult to share (being a wedge salad), it was my favorite salad. The grilled lettuce heart was smothered in harissa ranch dressing. I’m not a fan of ranch dressing, never was, even though I went to a college where people put that shit on their pizza. But this ranch dressing in this salad? I’m a convert. Well at least to Crossroads’ ranch. The salad was topped with pickled shallots, heirloom cherry tomatoes, and black olives, all of which nicely cut the heaviness of hot lettuce and ranch dressing. Such a wonderful combination!

    Speaking of pizza, the pizza section on the Crossroads menu was really difficult to pass up, but we had a feeling that their fancier-seeming dishes were the heavy-hitters, and we were right. Next we had the basic but delicious Lentil Flatbread, a wonderfully earthy and warm pita-like bread served with little dishes of marinated eggplant, braised banana pepper, and mushroom relish. I honestly couldn’t tell which vegetable was in which pot (I mean by color sure but you know what i mean), but it was all great. 

   The “Crab Cakes” (their quotes, not mine) were equally good while being a more familiar taste at similarly adventurous vegan restaurants. They were topped with the daintiest amount of tartar sauce and watercress. While the cake itself was really fantastic (I’m guessing hearts of palm? but it doesn’t say in the menu), it needed a lot more of the sauce. I guess we could have asked for some but they’re small bites so you don’t really realize it until after you’ve finished. 

    We also probably wouldn’t have asked because our initially-fine waitress became the Mona-Lisa-Saperstein WORRRRRRST seriously the worst. At one point, she tried to remove my friend’s wine glass, even though it still had a few sips in in. My friend said she wasn’t done with that yet, and the waitress put it down. But I guess she had been worn down by a terrible audition earlier in the day (probs all actors right?) and so this benign comment instead hit her as criticism of her performance in her day job and at the thought of her being a failure at that too she absolutely shattered, and was a total b word to us the rest of the time. I mean that’s just me guessing but I’m probably right. She rushed us from then on, couldn’t wait to get rid of us so would idle nearby waiting for us to finish a plate so she could quickly snatch it away. Like this was a busy restaurant with lots to do, but she would just watch us, ignoring her other tables, and look perturbed. What a terribleness. 

   Luckily, her inability to keep it together did not affect our enjoyment of our meal. No, we’re not done. Next was Grilled Romano Beans, which I’ve never heard of before but everybody likes them right so we ordered them. They were really good, still in their pods and barbecued with balsamic peaches, marcona almonds (those are the fancy almonds right), and black garlic chili vinaigrette. So damn good! That’s a lot of flavors going on but beans are pretty basic on their own so it was all working.  

Our first of the Comforting Classics, as they’re called, was the dish most recommended to me – the Chickpea Cake. It’s a good deal heartier than the smaller plates, and so actually makes this very expensive food seem like a better value. The chickpea patty is served with porcini mushrooms, red spring onions, and sherry demi cream. I don’t know what makes cream ‘demi’ but I really enjoyed the chickpea cake and was glad I followed everyone’s advice. It seems like an entree you’d get at a nice comforting vegan restaurant, or maybe make yourself if you have a lot of time one night. Very solid and delicious. ​

Onto the last of our Comforting Classics, and the last of our savory dishes (I totally forgot to take pictures of some things in the ruckus of this amazing meal! sorry not sorry! Add like 4-5 other dishes and you’ll get a sense of how much food we ate!). The Scaloppini Milanese was so amazing. It could have easily been a hunk of Gardein or something at a lesser restaurant, but this patty, whatever it was, was incredible, with the perfect texture. The telltale syruppy but thin Milanese sauce took it to the next level, and like everything else here, was wonderful. 

   On to dessert!!! We were so full that we couldn’t even finish some of the above dishes, but we had to get dessert. I was actually in a place that would give me something other that fruit sorbet and fruit; of course I’m getting dessert! We decided to split two among the four of us, starting with the Peach Upside Down Cake. Proving that their pastry chef is as talented as the head chef, this wonderful cake was warm and full of deep brown sugar. The roasted peaches were just as good as all the other peaches we ate all night and all week (the best peaches in this state!) and complemented by the lemon cornmeal of the cake. The best part was the brown sugar ice cream it was served with, not that it was better than the cake but just because ice cream is my favorite. As such, the dessert I got to choose was the famous Hot Fudge Sundae, which yeah I could make and yeah I could have elsewhere but shush, it was awesome. The vanilla bean ice cream was served on top of a warm brownie (le sigh), mixed with banana fudge, whatever that amazingness is, and topped with hazelnuts and coconut whipped cream. Best sundae ever, yes. 

​Overall, this was an epic, spectacular meal, definitely one of my favorites ever. It was stupid expensive, but compared to similar restaurants, I think the value was so high that it was well worth it. 

Crossroads, Los Angeles, California, US&A
Water speed: Decent. There were a few times when we had to flag people down, but overall it was okay.
Service: What a weird issue! The waitress was a total eggshell plaintiff or something. She just didn’t like us and make it hella obvious. Boo urns. 
Bathrooms: I felt like I was in an episode of Gossip Girl when I went to the bathroom. They are small, with two stalls separated by the sink area, and blonde wannabe starlets apparently congregate in the sink area to fix their hair while I try to wash my hands. Their conversation was so hilariously stereotypical of everything L.A. I almost thought it was Improv Everywhere or something.
Food: Incredible! Not one bad note. One of the best meals ever.
Bonus: The atmosphere can’t help but be great, considering the location and the notoriety. Usually more famous people are there than were on my night, but even so, the food is so superb that I didn’t even care that it was apparently the one night of the year that Russell Simmons wasn’t there. 

     On Burns Night, on or about January 25, everyone in London seems to pretend they are Scottish. Well, not authentically/believably Scottish so much as the faux pageantry of the movie-friendly version of being Scottish (plaid and Sean Connery accents aaaand that’s all there is to it!). The event, a haggis-focused dinner (eww!), pays tribute to Scottish poet Robert Burns, whose most famous poem is about haggis (so gross). In London, super-overpriced events abound, so everyone who thought the Scots were super dumb for wanting independence can now pretend they are totally pro-Scot and enjoy everything about their fellow countrymen, namely bagpipes, disgusting meats, whiskey, and dancing. 

   If you can get past the hypocritical undertones of tons of English people reveling in all things Scottish for one night thereby recognizing that Scots have their own unique culture yet still not recognizing that they are deserving of ruling themselves or being an independent nation, then the events in London can be really fun. I mean, they are still haggis-focused, but if you’re lucky you can find one that offers a vegan meal option. Lucky us, we found Burns Baby Burns, a huge, fun event held in the old (really old, dilapidated) St John’s church in Hackney that offered vegan-option tickets on the online site. (You need tickets to these events, so important.) Hundreds of people attended the mass sit-down dinner, which was followed by hilarious and enjoyable (looking) Scottish square dancing and an extremely overpriced whiskey bar. If you’re able, I recommend going to this kind of Burns Night dinner once for the experience, and again if you like spending too much money on food, not drinking, and dancing like a fool like a FOOL. 

    As you entered the frightening church of falling pillars, a man playing the bagpipes on the front stoop greeted you. I was very glad to see that the bagpipes were relegated to the outdoor entertainment section and weren’t going to be Rossing us all night long to celebrate good times come on. I’m all for bagpipes, especially on Burns night, but not for more than ten minutes or so. Fiddlers were playing on the stage inside – well, one fiddler, one guitarist, but I prefer to refer to all musicians wearing hats as fiddlers. The jovial music helped create the right happy, social atmosphere. 
    Between courses, we were treated to traditional Scottish entertainment (pictured above) of fire dancers and men reading poetry while wielding enormous knives. We were told that the Scots party in such ways nightly. The girl with the sticks of fire successfully got the fire scarily close to her hair without setting it on fire, so good on her. That was really cool, and if I talked to her I would have asked her how she keeps from burning her hair at social occasions, a feat I cannot say I have achieved 100%. The scary man was one of the guys running the entertainment, and he read the all-important Address to a Haggis, Burns’s most famous poem. I don’t think the enormous knife was necessary, as the words are scary enough. It’s pretty long, and it’s pretty gory when it gets into the making of haggis (so gross). Not vegan-friendly, this poem, except maybe the first line, which is
Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race!

so if you focus on deciphering this opening, you will be sufficiently distracted for the rest of the crazy ass poem and won’t have to worry about listening to rhymes about murdering animals, because you will never decipher this. 
      The food was decent. While omnivores started with rye bread covered with lox and some kind of dilly cream, vegetarians got that same rye bread covered with spinach salad and cubes of roast vegetables. Not the most obvious choice for a piece of toast, but whatever, greens are good, bread’s good, root vegetables are okay. 

     Between courses, scary knife man and a young Scottish woman (who later led the dancing) did the traditional Ode to the Laddies/Ode to the Lassies, really weird obviously gendered kind of sexist and super awkward speeches to the opposite sex. The woman at least rhymed about Robbie Burns, which was cool, and mentioned all his wimmins and all his STDs. The man’s was the usual expected kind about how pretty women are and how they are so much better looking than men and yada yada yada. I made some comments about how none of it was very LGBT-friendly but then I got distracted by being upset about haggis. 
    Thank goodness for vegetarian haggis. So, real haggis, if you don’t know, is like amoebas on fleas on rats. Vegetarian haggis is OODLES better, and not just because it doesn’t involve cruelty. It flat out tastes better, probably because it’s made of ingredients people are okay with talking about out loud. It’s so much better, in fact, that the one actual Scottish person we met at Burns Baby Burns, the woman sitting next to me, ordered the vegetarian haggis even though she wasn’t vegetarian! She said she just likes it more! Now that’s a huge win. She still had some of the regular haggis from the communal bowl, but her main source of food was the veg one. Yay! Summary, vegetarian haggis is great, regular haggis is a Rhimes. 

     Non-vegans ate “neeps and tatties” – parsnips* and potatoes – from communal bowls. I imagine they were made with butter because my plate came with an enormous plain baked potato instead. People sitting next to us were like ha ha why did they give you a huge baked potahto and I said I am vegan and they said oh. 
    Also on the tables were communal pitchers of gravy. I mean. We’ve all seen gravy boats and that’s cool. Have you ever seen a freaking drinks pitcher used for gravy? I thought it was wine. It was hilarious. Anyway the plain baked potato was kind of awful to eat plain so I asked a server if there was vegan gravy and she said the communal gravy was! Huzzah! It was also not delicious. I hope she was right. 
    Something I actually know the servers were wrong about was the existence of vegan dessert. Considering I paid the same price as the omnivores, I figured that there would be a vegan dessert option. Cranachan, a traditional Scottish dessert of oats, cream, whiskey, and honey, filled display tables at the back, and I asked the server guarding the table if there was a vegan dessert option. She said no! I was so mad! On principle! We paid the same price ffs! I asked another server if there was a vegan dessert. She said there was only what was out. Boo. Turns out, she wasn’t wrong, she just had no idea what was out. The next day, the people behind Burns Baby Burns responded kindly to an angry dessert-less tweet I sent out, and assured me that one of the tables of cranachan was all vegan. That’s super wonderful, it’s just that none of the people they had working for them knew apparently. I’m really glad the problem was misinformed servers and not unfair lack of vegan dessert. I mean that doesn’t put the weird ass oats and cream mixture in my stomach 5 days ago but it’s still something! 

   After dining came dancing. This is the view from the pews upstairs, where the ‘secret’ (secretly overpriced like whoa) whiskey bar and the face painting (awesome) corner were. I was certain that the top section of the run-down church was going to come crashing down but luckily it didn’t yet. The dancing looked like fun, if you enjoy making a fool of yourself in front of strangers, which normally I’m all for but for some reason I just didn’t feel up for it that night. My bad. It looked like everyone partaking had fun though, none more than this old white-haired man in a tight white tee shirt who danced with literally everybody at some point. 
     All in all, it was pretty fun and something I recommend doing if you are in the UK, just so you experience Burns Night at some point. The food was fine, the entertainment fun. A main problem for me was the lack of bathrooms. Outdoor portapotties are fiiine, I guess, if you get non-disgusting ones. I was there very early and I imagine I was the first person to actually check out the bathrooms. They were already disgusting, even an hour before the event was called for. That’s not cool. Another problem was that for how expensive the event was – 45 GDP – there was not one drink included. And the bar was insane expensive. Not even a soda included? Not cool. And of course we have the miscommunication between the people running things. Hopefully, these things can be sorted out for next year and it will be even better. And hooray for Robbie Burns, who actually wrote “Auld Lang Syne” but no one knows that because he also wrote about haggis. 

*Correction: Neeps are apparently turnips. I don’t know because a) they all taste exactly the same and b) they didn’t give me any.