"An American in Paris" Finally Classes Up London's West Endby Randi / April 27, 2017
Hello friends!! Today we have a guest post! How exciting is that! Did you even know we could HAVE guest blogs on Laughfrodisiac? Because I didn’t! But I like this idea – I do very little work – so if you are interested in writing a guest piece, please email me at the link at the top right corner. I do still get to write the headlines as you can see. The W stands for WIN. Anyway, today’s amazing piece comes from Cara W., a dear friend of mine who is also the best short story writer you’ll probably ever read in your entire life, so I’m a little hesitant to post this because you’ll prob be like ‘damn she is much better she should take over the site.’ And no her real name is not Alice Munro but I can see why you’d think that!
Cara brings us her own take on a cauliflower soup recipe. Her take means she removes the garlic and tries to make up for it in other ways. I KNOW! We are very different in that regard because as you know I have eaten 5 types of garlic in one dish. But this is nice for all of my vampire readers out there. I can’t believe that I haven’t posted a recipe of my own in over a year (!!) (too busy eating at amazing restaurants?) so thanks to Cara for easing us back into this section of the site! Obviously I do not have the self-restraint to let someone else talk without me interrupting (have you MET me) (could I BE any more interrupty?) so when you see bracketed comments in italics in the body below, that’sa me! Mario! It’ll look like this [it’s me! Mario!]. So thank you Cara and, readers, enjoy!
CAULIFLOWER SOUP WITH CARA W.
THIS IS THE FUTURE LIBERALS WANT
So, I am not as amazing as our fearless vegan leader and blogger, Ms. Laughfrodisiac herself, [correct she is more amazing and is also the first person to spell the site name correctly wow] and I’ve actually never been adamantly vegan or even casually vegetarian in my life. Instead, I do the far too common thing of over-analyzing calories and obsessing over sugars versus carbs versus proteins. I fall into diet fads and once even tried to straight green juice it for a month–CLEANSE ME YOU MAGICAL GREENERY!! (This is actually a really great story that ended pretty dramatically with emergency gallbladder removal, but I digress.) [holy crap, you need to tell us this story. Next guest post?! THE DANGERS OF DETOX BULLSHIT.] The point is, I admire our blogger’s fearless dedication to do no harm and to love all around her and am often quite jealous of her food voyages and the seriously wide variety of foods she gets to experiment with. Now that she lives across the proverbial pond, I guess I sort of felt like I should try to fill Southeastern Pennsylvania’s Veganess Void by attempting to prepare the following amazing recipe for Cauliflower Soup.
I know it sounds gross. Cauliflower seems to be a divisive vegetable; my sisters despise it while my mother and I devour it. So when this recipe popped up on my Pinterest home page (or whatever you kids call it, is it a dashboard?), I just had to try it.
I am not historically well-known for my cooking skills. In fact, until a few years ago, I despised cooking. Everything about it grossed me out and made me nervous. You mean *I* have to literally saute the onions and decide how much salt and pepper to add for spice?!?!? What happens when the onions turn black? I remember those mini-panic-attacks with fondness now. Starting in late April of 2014, after battling a nearly month long craving for buttercream frosting, I decided I’d research recipes for frosting and made some kick-tushy double chocolate cupcakes with buttercream frosting for a friend’s work gathering. They were the hit of the party and I basically started an obsession with cooking and baking from that moment on.
Cauliflower Soup really does a good service for the saying “Less is More” and also for the idea that you don’t actually need cream for a soup to taste bisque-y [lolol this is a treat for my PPKers out there. the filter will never die]. It is FULL of flavor and also very comforting warmth for these 7 degree winter days. [WHY IS IT STILL SO COLD I AM SHIVERING CARA MAKE ME SOUP.]
Some Cara Thoughts on Carrots:
I despise carrots. I have no idea why, but starting maybe 5 years ago, I started to think that carrots taste like people. [ . . . ] I realize this makes little to no sense, and I’ve been laughed out of a number of cocktail party conversations by bringing this bizarre personal, uh, quirk to light, but hey, I swear to you: If people were a thing that people ate, I like, am 99.8907% certain the dish would be a little carrot-y tasting. I know it’s weird, but I tend to avoid carrots in all forms, and am particularly frightened of them in their cooked form, so uh, it’s weird that I decided to make this recipe, as there are cooked carrots. BONUS: you really can’t taste them.
I despise carrots. I have no idea why, but starting maybe 5 years ago, I started to think that carrots taste like people. [ . . . ] I realize this makes little to no sense, and I’ve been laughed out of a number of cocktail party conversations by bringing this bizarre personal, uh, quirk to light, but hey, I swear to you: If people were a thing that people ate, I like, am 99.8907% certain the dish would be a little carrot-y tasting. I know it’s weird, but I tend to avoid carrots in all forms, and am particularly frightened of them in their cooked form, so uh, it’s weird that I decided to make this recipe, as there are cooked carrots. BONUS: you really can’t taste them.
Some Cara Thoughts on Garlic:
Call me Edward Cullen, but I actually hate garlic, too. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “Cara, how could you study abroad in Italy and hate garlic?” or the more common, “Cara, how can you possibly enjoy good food if you hate garlic?” but here’s my stock response: whatever you love about garlic, I guarantee I can create with a nice mix of sweet onions, shallots, and fresh spring onions. (Seriously guys, garlic is icky. It tastes like burnt. And it makes me breathe fire. Can’t we just move on from this? Call it a fad (of the past million centuries)? Bring on some more varieties of onions? Eh?) [BUT I LOVE FIREBREATHING.]
Call me Edward Cullen, but I actually hate garlic, too. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “Cara, how could you study abroad in Italy and hate garlic?” or the more common, “Cara, how can you possibly enjoy good food if you hate garlic?” but here’s my stock response: whatever you love about garlic, I guarantee I can create with a nice mix of sweet onions, shallots, and fresh spring onions. (Seriously guys, garlic is icky. It tastes like burnt. And it makes me breathe fire. Can’t we just move on from this? Call it a fad (of the past million centuries)? Bring on some more varieties of onions? Eh?) [BUT I LOVE FIREBREATHING.]
When I wanted to make this recipe, I asked my mom to grab some of the ingredients from the store. She didn’t. I found out why: my mom had read the recipe all the way through, and it requires a food processor. We do not have one of those new fangled machines, so Sheila, in all her wisdom, just didn’t buy any of the ingredients for the soup and also didn’t explain to me why. [LOL Sheila this is amazing.] [Also I don’t have a food processor either! I make do with the good blender and with the little crappy 1/2 cup processor bowl that comes with the immersion blender.]
While at the store, I learned that coconut oil is very expensive [Indian grocery stores for the win!], and also that my locally owned grocery store (with a checkered past, one of its founders was murdered several years ago and the crime remains UNSOLVED, it’s like all we have for intrigue around these parts) sees it as reasonable to put coconut milk in like 102398098 different locations throughout the establishment. Which I guess is good for disorganized shoppers (like me) but also confusing for others, especially those who want to price compare because MAN is there a disparity between Goya’s coconut milk and the Thai label coconut milk. Sheesh. Marketing.
CAULIFLOWER SOUP
Inspired by http://shrinkingkitchen.com/creamy-cauliflower-soup/
Ingredients:
- 1 large head of cauliflower
- 1 tablespoon coconut oil
- 1 medium onion, diced
- 2 large carrots, diced
- 1 tbsp of jarred SHALLOTS
- 1 bunch of diced spring onions
- 3 cups water
- 1 teaspoon sea salt
- 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
- 1/2 cup coconut milk (unsweetened)
Instructions:
- Wash and core the cauliflower. Although Cara did not core her cauliflower, because she had no idea what that meant. It did not affect the turnout.
- Heat a large pot over medium-high heat and add the oil, then add the onions, carrots, and onion-y deliciousness that is standing in for garlic. Cook and stir with a wooden spoon about five minutes, until they’re soft and golden. I did not use a wooden spoon, and, still, the soup came out delicious.
- Add the cauliflower and cook until it starts to brown. Please note, seriously the cauliflower isn’t going to BROWN really, it’s cauliflower. Just don’t burn it. I trust you will know when it’s time to add the water. You’re not dumb.
- Add the water and bring to a boil. Then reduce to a simmer, and cover, and cook until the vegetables are tender, about 30 minutes.
- Add in coconut milk, sea salt, and pepper.
- Puree soup in a high speed blender or with an immersion blender.
Despite the hilarious thirty minute attempt my sister and I had at reassembling an old food processor, neither she nor I could actually make it happen. We did try though. So instead I just poured the mixture into the blender, hit puree, and the rest is history. Everyone in my family adored this soup and right now I am craving more. No, seriously. I’m going to hit “send” and then heat up my leftover bowl. OMG THIS SOUP.
Yay Vegans. Yay soup. YAY! [yay!]
Yay Vegans. Yay soup. YAY! [yay!]
Related Posts
Vegan Guide to Michelin Restaurants: Asador Extebarri in Axpe, Spain
*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it.
In a tiny town 30 minutes outside Bilbao, Spain stands a little cottage where wood-fired magic is created. Asador Extebarri, a one-Michelin-starred restaurant in the Axpe region, is famous for grilling pretty much everything on the menu. Given its cookery method, I was nervous going there as a vegan, even though they assured me I could be well accommodated. Would I just be given 20 courses of grilled vegetables? How special can that be? Really, really, ridiculously special, it turns out.
So fancy once you get escorted upstairs !
Tucked away in the middle of nowhere, Extebarri is really a lovely spot. It looks like the Baker’s stone cottage or something from the outside, but when you enter it’s a rollicking bar filled with locals. At first, I was confused, looking at the bar patrons and thinking, hmm is this what people are wearing to eat at this super fance restaurant? What is this, Broadway today? But no, the bar is just, like, the local bar! Once the restaurant is ready for you, they will escort you upstairs, where the atmosphere and the decor are completely different.
The servers were uniformly friendly and they tried to be helpful (the language barrier kept me from comprehending what exactly they were describing each dish as). Like most Michelin restaurants, it was a set menu of an insane number of courses, and they already had the vegan menu printed up and placed inside my menu booklet. These menus, by the way, are probably bigger than you are:
The servers were uniformly friendly and they tried to be helpful (the language barrier kept me from comprehending what exactly they were describing each dish as). Like most Michelin restaurants, it was a set menu of an insane number of courses, and they already had the vegan menu printed up and placed inside my menu booklet. These menus, by the way, are probably bigger than you are:
The enormous menu blocking most of Husband (which is why I’m allowed to post this) |
The veg menu |
As you can see, the vegan menu looks mainly like an assortment of plain vegetables. I’m sure the other vegans out there have groaned as much as I have when restaurants say they can feed you and end up giving you the ubiquitous ‘Grilled Vegetable Plate’. It’s the worst, right? So boring and you’re like ugh I could do this at home but I wouldn’t because I’m a good cook and can make more interesting food. Well. That’s because the vegetables weren’t grilled at Asador Extebarri. There’s no way in hell you could make vegetables as incredible as these Michelin-starred ones were. We toured the ‘kitchen’, which was more like a complex wood shed, with piles upon piles of different kinds of wood, each one perfect for grilling a different food. It’s all very detailed and complicated and woodsy. The ‘stoves’ consist of lever and pulley systems for ensuring that each dish and each dish’s components remain the proper distance from the fire. Who knew that wood-firing was such an intricate art? It all lends itself to some of the most perfect and delicious vegetable dishes imaginable. Some were a little boring, yes, and some were normal levels of good, but then some of these dishes were superb.
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In contrast to most fancy restaurants with crazy endless tasting menus, we were given bread at the start. And then — it never stopped! Erma P! So good. I love bread. And these lovely Spaniards gave us like huge baguette halves constantly instead of little hunks every now and then. So funny. Although, in hindsight, considering how painfully full we were not even halfway through the meal, eating all this bread was probably a bad idea.
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Enormous bread |
So hey let’s start reviewing the 100 or so plates I was served! The order of the menu was not strictly adhered to so that my dishes lined up better with Husband’s, which I appreciated, but they still got to all the dishes listed, which I appreciated more. (The first time they skipped a few I was like NO BRING ME FOOD but they brought those later. (Audra McDonald skipped a song once in her concert program and DIDN’T go back and get to it so that’s still like something keeping me up at night.))
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First up was a little treat from the kitchen, small grilled bread (more bread!) with tomato and salt and the greatest olive oil I’ve tasted in years. Oh mannn. So freaking good!
The first real courses for me were Salad Leaves and Lettuce Hearts. Husband can tell you that most of my Salads that I make at home only consist of Lettuce Hearts, so I was curious to see what the difference was here. Apparently, Lettuce Hearts are self-explanatory and Salad Leaves are curlier lettuces. Also, Lettuce Hearts all over Spain come with wayyy too much onion. I can’t eat an entire onion’s worth of raw onion. I’ll do my best but come on. It’s raw onion. And not even cippolini oh-nee-on. Husband was like, you have to eat all that onion, it’s like a $20 onion. No, thank you though. Anyway, both were nice and fresh and very lightly dressed (thank you, I hate too much dressing), but pretty basic. It was nice to have something simple and fresh to start but it did make me nervous for what was to come. I should not have been! My first warm vegetable dish was the Golden Chanterelles. Mushrooms have always been one of my favorite foods, dating back from when I thought they only came on top of pizza and I felt it too basic to say that pizza was my favorite food because that’s everyone’s favorite food. But now mushrooms are legit my faves, so this dish was very exciting. I particularly love that they came in a little personal pan. I wanted to ask if I could keep it but we were traveling EasyJet sooo no room. Anyway, the mushrooms were really good, smoky and just firm enough. Weirdly, though, I preferred the saltier, oiler, more garlicky mushrooms from Busterri. Maybe the Golden Chanterelles just needed a pinch of salt, or maybe my mushroom tastes are akin to my chocolate taste (I prefer cheaper sugary milkier chocolate to ‘high quality’ dark because yummy).
Next up was one of my favorites, Cream of Beans. It’s a normal bean soup but I love that name and I was so stoked to finally have beans! It was easy (too easy!) to find veggies all weekend in Bilbao, but impossible to get any vegan protein in restaurants. Hurray for beans! It was a lovely soup.
The following vegetable grilled to perfection was the artichokes, or according to the totally descriptive and helpful menu, Artichoke. These were splendid little oiled and salted buggers that I could eat 1000 of. They had a light balsamicky drizzle that was just the right, subtle amount (too much is the worst). Hot damn they were so good!
The one-two punch of the Artichoke with the next dish, the Leek, was the most impressive section of the meal. Looking at the picture to the right, you’re probably thinking, omg, that is the least impressive dish I have ever seen in any restaurant ever. Well, that might be true, but it was also one of the best tasting. These were freaking plain grilled leeks with olive oil and salt, but whichever wood they were grilled on at whichever lever/pulley height they used made them actually magical. Seriously I cannot imagine any leek in any other preparation ever being as phuhnom as these were. My recommendation to try Extebarri if you have the chance is 70% based on these leeks.
I was confused about whether the next dish was the Baby Beans or the Green Peas, but we decided they were the Baby Beans because Husband’s menu also came with Green Peas so we got them at the same time. They look exactly the same though. These were yummy and hey more beans! I’m getting so strong!
Beetroot was next, and if ever there were beets to convince you that not all beets taste like dirt (#NotAllBeets), it was these. They were a bit tart with their natural juices mixing with vinegar? maybe? (we couldn’t understand most things the waiters said, and sometimes they simply said “I don’t know how to say this in English. Enjoy!”), but whatever was going on, it worked. I would have preferred only two beet pieces instead of four, because this is where I started to get hella full.
Another mushroom dish came next yay! These March Mushrooms were fluffier than the sauteed-seeming Chanterelles, and they were in a subtle and delicious vegetable broth. I don’t know if March Mushrooms is a kind of mushroom or if they were just what was growing in March (when we were there…which makes more sense…) but either way I’m sold. They had a cool texture almost of raw mushrooms but with the much better taste of cooked.
Next were those tricky little Green Peas! They came in an adorable little cup and they were so delicious. Fresh peas are incredible and life-changing; if you haven’t had them before and have only had frozen peas in your life then you need to go to a farmers market and buy fresh peas and make something with them because they are amazing but what you make won’t be as amazing as this little cup of perfect peas was.
Some of you may know that I’m not the world’s biggest red pepper fan. Traipsing around Europe, I see tons of little kids eating raw red pepper strips out of little baggies and I’m like KIDS, simmer down with that nonsense, don’t you know there’s candy in the world? I can’t do raw pepper unless they’re overcrowded with other tastes. Cooked red pepper is only a little bit better for me. Well. Despite my semi-aversion, and despite my being stuffed beyond belief by the time this giant plate of red peppers arrived, I ate the entire thing. These red peppers were omg. Ridiculous. I lightly dragged a tine of my fork (my fork!) across them and it cut right through without any effort. They just fell apart and were heaven. Who knew?
The next dish was hilarious. The cute little bowl of ‘Cereals’, as the menu says, tasted EXACTLY. LIKE. SUGAR SMACKS. You know the cereal with the frog? This was them in the fancy form. The cereals were puffed spelt and other grains mixed with sliced nuts and a sugar syrup. I was very impressed when someone came out from the kitchen to ask me if I would eat honey, and when I said no said they would be bringing my dish after they remedied the error of their assumption. It was worth the short wait, though I do wish it came with the desserts and not in the middle of more savory items. I mean, after all, it was sugar smacks. Sooo good!
You may recall that I got full many, many dishes ago, so you can assume that by this point I was in actual pain. We all were. So we could only laugh when actual normal-restaurant-entree-sized ‘mains’ came out next. Mine was an excellent black truffle risotto. Considering we were in the land where they actually sell the Thermomix, we cracked up saying ‘Hot wet rice! It’s hot wet rice!’ over and over. Side note, laughing hysterically while painfully full is not a smart thing to do. But this was delicious hot wet rice.
Between my savories and my dessert courses and while Husband was given like his 14th piece of steak, I was presented with a goblet of pineapple water ice. It was very mild, mostly ice and not pineapple, but at this point in the meal it was a perfect palate cleanser. It also helped my full belly feel better. ALSO, it was called ‘Water Pineapple’, which I think was just supposed to be Pineapple Water Ice except ‘water ice’ is only a Philly thing so really I just don’t know.
On to dessert! I am used to getting boring plates of fresh fruit at most places, even when it’s fancy, even when they say they can accommodate me, but it’s still a little disappointing to not get something more interesting. Well, this was the most interesting plate of fresh fruit. The strawberries were grilled so they had a rich smoky flavor that worked so well, I really couldn’t get over it. It was accompanied by fresh edible flower petals and a fantastically weird and unique blood orange gel. I don’t know how they made that gel or how they magicked the smoky strawberries but it was all good.
My final (almost there!) course was Baked Apple with Pure Cocoa. I usually don’t like fruit with chocolate but I figured it would be nice here and got excited. I should have realized ‘Pure Cocoa’ meant ‘unsweetened chocolate’ — it was really freaking pure and super bitter with not a trace of sweetness! Yeesh! Mixed with the delicious baked apple it was better, but the apple would have been better without the chocolate or with some kind of plain sorbet (ice cream is too much to ask for).
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Little leaves little leaves little innocent leaves 
The Golden Chanterelles (Will you still love meee tomorrowwwww DO YOU GET IT LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU KNOW WHY THAT GOT IN MY HEAD) 
Cream of the bean yeah yeah yeah oh how I love the cream of the bean 
Amazing Artichokes 
Beyond Leeks 
Baby Beans 
Beets beets they are good 
March Mushrooms 
Little green peas, buddy!!! 
Red Pepper Starfish 
‘Cereals’ 
HOT WET RICE! 
Water pineapple? What is that? Is that a thing? 
Grilled strawberries with blood orange gel 
Baked apple and sad cocoa |
It was still a nice end to a wonderful meal. If you are ever in Bilbao or wanting a reason to go there (well, the outskirts), I can highly recommend this restaurant. It’s very expensive, yes, but it’s an experience. Oh, and our 8:30pm reservation (seated promptly) got us out the door by about 1:30am…so…plan accordingly.
GETTING THERE
As I mentioned in my Bilbao guide, it was nearly impossible to figure out how to use the trains, not only because of the language barrier, but because apparently no one worked in the stations! All-day siestas? Anyway, we ended up having to take a taxi to Axpe for Asador Extebarri. The same driver that picked us up at our hotel drove us home at the end of the night (in the morning, really) and was extremely good (no looking at phones or anything!). His name is Eduardo at CLASS Servicio de Taxi and his local number is 637-505-212.
As I mentioned in my Bilbao guide, it was nearly impossible to figure out how to use the trains, not only because of the language barrier, but because apparently no one worked in the stations! All-day siestas? Anyway, we ended up having to take a taxi to Axpe for Asador Extebarri. The same driver that picked us up at our hotel drove us home at the end of the night (in the morning, really) and was extremely good (no looking at phones or anything!). His name is Eduardo at CLASS Servicio de Taxi and his local number is 637-505-212.
ASADOR EXTEBARRI, AXPE SPAIN
Water speed: Pretty good, but like all restaurants of this caliber, it’s bottled. You don’t really notice that charge amid the rest of it, but still. I know it’s common outside the U.S. but I am spoiled!
Service: Very friendly and kind. In the beginning of the meal, I felt a little bit rushed, which probably is responsible for getting full so quickly. They got their pacing down better as we went on. Also, they couldn’t explain some dishes in English, which obviously is my problem and not theirs, but it’s worth knowing if you go.
Bathrooms: Nice and clean although I was scared that the extraordinarily heavy lock didn’t work.
Food: Really great! Some dishes were average, but more were wonderful.
Bonus: A very fancy restaurant where you can join in the experience even as a vegan!
Vegan Guide to Michelin Restaurants: The Clove Club, London, UK
*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it.
Recently, Husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary! Although the traditional gift is cotton, we decided we’d be okay with food instead. (We decided this last year too, and next year.) We quickly came up with The Clove Club after I was informed that eating tubs of soft serve from Yorica! probably isn’t a smart idea. Located in Shoreditch’s Town Hall, The Clove Club is only a few years old and a favorite of super hip people. To make sure people know how super hip it is and how special you have to be to get in, you don’t make a reservation per se; you buy tickets online to the ‘event’ of your dinner, well in advance. So we had tickets to the show a few weeks ago, on a Tuesday evening at 7ish, and it went past 11pm because it was a tasting menu at a Michelin-rated restaurant (one star) and that’s what they do that’s what they do.
The Clove Club shares sample tasting menus on their website, and lists a vegetarian option, which is a great start considering none of these restaurants (except Alinea) ever use the v-word without prompting. The sample vegetarian menu is heavy on dairy and eggs, but they assured us that they could easily make a vegan menu of equal quality. WE’LL SEE. (No they did, it was great.) I have no f-ing clue how many courses this is going to be, because we ordered the extended menu (which you can see; I love the restaurants that give you your personal menu like you’re a goddamn king) but like all such places, they send out a number of ‘snacks’ first that they don’t include on the menu and I forget what anything is the second I’m done eating it. Oh well.
When we arrived, various people led us to our little table in the little dining room, which was decorated simply. I didn’t notice any famies but then again I don’t know British celebrities at all. All the good ones go to American anyway amiright!! Our waitress was fantastic, and immediately confirmed that I was une vegan. I wish I remembered her name but all I remember is that she was from Sicily. She was seriously the best wait person I have encountered ever in this country. Give her a raise, Clove Club.
Sicilia (I’m just gonna call her that) immediately asked if we wanted still or sparkling water, so, plus 1 on the water issue getting handled quickly! To that question, I usually respond ‘tap’ because they are always trying to trick you into buying a bottle when they ask that question. Angry face! No one should have to pay for water! Luckily, Husband answered before I had the chance to embarrass us with my answer, because fancy clean water was included in our already-paid bill. Phew! They probably would have asked me to leave. Husband likes sparkling water and I like still, so they brought us bottles of both and kept refilling them at a very impressive pace. Bravo! Finally! Sicilia also confirmed that Husband was doing a wine pairing while I was getting a soft pairing! I had completely forgotten about that! This is the first time I’ve ever heard a restaurant offering beverage pairings with each dish for anything other than alcohol, so this was so exciting. Then she brought us cold towels like you might get on planes if you are a fancy person. I liked that they were chilled because it is summer (sort of), but I wonder if they give warm towels in the winter. That sounds like it would be nice.
Sicilia (I’m just gonna call her that) immediately asked if we wanted still or sparkling water, so, plus 1 on the water issue getting handled quickly! To that question, I usually respond ‘tap’ because they are always trying to trick you into buying a bottle when they ask that question. Angry face! No one should have to pay for water! Luckily, Husband answered before I had the chance to embarrass us with my answer, because fancy clean water was included in our already-paid bill. Phew! They probably would have asked me to leave. Husband likes sparkling water and I like still, so they brought us bottles of both and kept refilling them at a very impressive pace. Bravo! Finally! Sicilia also confirmed that Husband was doing a wine pairing while I was getting a soft pairing! I had completely forgotten about that! This is the first time I’ve ever heard a restaurant offering beverage pairings with each dish for anything other than alcohol, so this was so exciting. Then she brought us cold towels like you might get on planes if you are a fancy person. I liked that they were chilled because it is summer (sort of), but I wonder if they give warm towels in the winter. That sounds like it would be nice.
DON’T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW. or do
Okay so the food! We started quickly with a few tiny dishes, or snacks as they’re called, though I know from “Friends” that they should be called amuse bouches. Thanks television! First off was this freeze-dried yellow tomato ice crumble. I might be completely wrong. But this yellow stuff was definitely vegetable ice, and it was pretty goodl! It melted away sort of like a cross between sorbet and snow. Yeah it was very much like snow. It was really cool and refreshing.
ohneeon skin |
I’ll call you jicama |
The next bouche was a piece of fried onion skin, which sounds mean but it was decent. It tasted like a sophisticated onion ring without the stench of other Outback customers infiltrating it. I liked that it was something different and fun, although yeah it was a piece of ohneeon skin that they just chose not to throw away. Next was like a little sushi piece or wrap, with a thin crunchy vegetable ribbon rolled up with greens and a pate. I forget what the vegetable was; I want to say jicama because it looks like it but it wasn’t that. Whatever, it was a nice little veggie roll-up.
Fun with cookie cutters!
The last of our little snacks was hot! This star-shaped veggie patty was deeeelicious! I could have eaten 100 of ’em! It had a very thin outer layer and was soft inside, like a fried jawn you’d keep in the freezer for children. As a childlike person, I really enjoyed it. And it was a fun shape!
We were brought a basket of bread by this point, with olive oil for me. Like other Michelin restaurants who give you bread, the olive oil was the best I’ve had in a long time, probably since the last such place. The bread was good but it was cold. Well not cold but room temperature, I guess. If it was slightly warm it would have been off the chiz.
We were brought a basket of bread by this point, with olive oil for me. Like other Michelin restaurants who give you bread, the olive oil was the best I’ve had in a long time, probably since the last such place. The bread was good but it was cold. Well not cold but room temperature, I guess. If it was slightly warm it would have been off the chiz.
We’re on to the main event(s)! First up for me was a salt baked white beetroot, that they had grown in their special garden and sliced into thin ribbons. I’m loving all these ribbons, guys! I didn’t know you could make white beetroot; I thought the main identifying aspects of beets were that they were red and tasted like dirt. These were excellent though, and salt baking sounds like a great way to cook them. The white ribbons were mixed with hazelnuts and burnet, which I learned is a salad herb, and dressed up with little edible flowers. It was a truly beautiful dish, and a nice start to the main meal. My soft pairing here was so perfect for me it was like they researched me in advance – green juice! I forget the exact components but I think it had cucumber, parsley, and lemon.
Next was a salad of bobby beans, which I never heard of before, but apparently they’re just green beans, which I don’t count as beans, actually; I count them as vegetables. Regardless, this was the only sign of bean/protein in the entire meal, which is expected at nonvegan restaurants like this but disappointing. Definitely something these restaurants have in common and all need to work on. Anyway though, this was a very good little salad, with the green beans mixed with incredibly fresh and delicious peach, almond pieces, and something called manjimup truffle. The only manjimup I found while googling is a place is Australia, so I guess it’s a fancy way of saying imported truffle? I f-ing love truffles. Pour truffle oil on all of my food. I like it less so when it’s just sliced raw pieces because their immense flavor doesn’t fully come out that way, but even so I feel like Cathy Z. Jones when I am served it, so yeah still good. Ooh my soft pairing here was a cold Earl Grey tea with lavender, I think. Really good!
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Next was the standard you would expect when any and every nonveg place caters to a vegan – baked aubergine, or eggplant for you ‘mercans. Unlike the endless conference/wedding meals of crappy baked eggplant topped with bland tomato sauce, this version was wonderful. The tiny eggplants were cooked well and covered with herbs and a thin, tasty green tomato sauce. RG! My soft here I thiiiink was the apple juice, slightly greenified. Yum!
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As a little interlude in the meal, we were served a summer herb broth that was a million times more incredible than it should have been. This liquid was denser, flavor-wise, than anything I can remember ever eating, and each sip was like an enormous garden boiled down to a teaspoon. It really was great. I’m like the vegan version right now of what I imagine people who rave over bone broth are, except not a damn idiot.
CORN HAIR
The first course in Act II I think is my favorite, just because while being delicious it was also fun and kind of hilarious. The Scottish girolles, Michelin restaurants’ favorite mushroom, were grilled wonderfully and served with kale and sweetcorn. Then it was all topped with CORN HAIR! I find this so darn funny! I ate the corn hair, naturally, and it was pretty good so I do think I was supposed to eat it. Every component of this dish was great: kale is always welcome on my plate; the sweet corn tasted like perfect creamed corn down south; and the girolles were lovely. Yay fun great dish! Oh, you can sort of see in the background a little cup of red? That was my soft pairing, and while I couldn’t finish it, it was the most perfect pairing – red pepper and gochujang juice! Unlike my experience at the Just V Fest, this wasn’t just pure (chili) pepper; it was tempered with other fruits and vegetables, but it was pretty powerful and really just awesome, especially with the gochujang. I can’t do a lot of red pepper though before I start feeling sick, so the last sips went to Husband, who really enjoyed it. I just love this pairing idea because red pepper goes so well with corn! And corn hair!
One of the few times our courses resembled each other’s happened next, with the consomme. Mine was mushroom, and between this and the summer herb broth, I’m pretty sure The Clove Club has the best broths in the entire world. Such good liquids! And you know I love liquid! What put it over the top, though, was how it was served. The alcohol guy came over, not the waiters, with our soups and a bottle of 100-year-old Madeira. A small amount of the Madeira was poured into a big glass, and then swished around so it coated the glass, and then we were instructed to drink the bit that was left before the consomme was poured in. That way, we had the Madeira taste in our mouths and it was coating the glass, so it augmented the flavors of the consomme, which was amazing, deep and mushroomy. I don’t like alcohol but this was a really cool way to jazz up consomme while also making the diner feel super g-d special! I mean hell it was A HUNDRED YEARS OLD and the little amount they gave me probably cost like $200 or something crazy. Fire that son of a bitch up and throw it at my head!
Groatsy boatsy oatsy floatsy
My last savory course was this great pile of oat groat risotto with courgette (zucchini) and sunflower seeds. I knowwww you’re thinking, omg another dish of hot wet rice (risotto) at a fancy pants restaurant? I know because I thought it too, and always do when I’m presented with hot wet rice, the vegan standard dish all over the world. Le sigh. But this was great! The oat groats made for a nice creative change and helped to earthify the zucchini from being too light and sweet. The courgette flowers fried on top were a nice touch. The only problem was that half the zucchini was cut into thick slabs, which is gross, and thus undercooked. And that one with the little stalk-end still on it should have been cut off. That piece was really undercooked too, which was upsetting. But aside from the too-thick zucchini pieces (just ribbon it, always! otherwise it’s just plain warm zucchini which is usually not tasty), this was a nice dish and I really liked the main groat part.
Next came dessert! Unfortunately, dessert did not meet the higher standards set by the dinner part. What are the two things I always complain about being served for dessert as a vegan? Fruit sorbet, and fruit. And those were the two dessert courses here, sadly. They were still really good and impressive for what they are, but I just can’t help being the tiniest bit disappointed that, in essence, these two very basic things are the best this outstanding restaurant (and virtually all others) can come up with. You should be able to think of something more creative! I understand that the fact that they accommodated me at all is something, and that they can’t think of so many spectacular alternatives when they’re focusing on the main menu offerings, but still I have hope.
Little sorbet treat
At least the sorbet wasn’t lemon or something. It was apricot, and it really was delectable, for sorbet. Served with toasted almonds, a few mint leaves, and more edible flowers, it was beautiful looking and tasting. It was creamier than most sorbets are, so that is good. Okay, this one gets a pass! It really was good.
The second dessert was a lemongrass and berry jelly, which was fine but not worthy of ending the meal. A little too boring, a little too it’s-just-berries-and-jelly. Of course by this point I was seriously full anyway, so whatever.
The second dessert was a lemongrass and berry jelly, which was fine but not worthy of ending the meal. A little too boring, a little too it’s-just-berries-and-jelly. Of course by this point I was seriously full anyway, so whatever.
My last soft pairing was disappointing too. It was an elderflower juice, which normally I love, but it was just too f-ing sweet, cloying really. The rest of the soft pairings were absolutely killer so an off one had to happen, I guess. It’s just too bad it happened at the end. The berries were good, I’ll give them that! However, that little tart thing was for Husband, and I was told that because I don’t get one of those, I was given an extra strawberry piece. UM. That’s pretty lame. Like…that takes balls to offer as a substitute.
Aside from the final course and a few complaints here and there, this dinner really was impressive. All the savory dishes and snacks were delicious and interesting, as was the sorbet, though I hate to admit it. What really saved it after the disappointing finale was that they brought two house-made chocolate bars over for us to take home – and one was actually vegan! Similar places never have vegan chocolate! Huzzah! Totally saved. It was dark chocolate with coffee and biscuits, and I don’t like coffee but couldn’t taste it at all. I think it just enhanced the chocolate flavor. So nice!
Our lovely waitress brought over this little token at the end too, how cute!! She really was the best!
THE CLOVE CLUB, SHOREDITCH, LONDON, UK, EUROPE FOR NOW
Water speed: Amazing!! Great job! And it wasn’t tap but it was included dance dance dance! (I’m very cheap.)
Service: Absolutely wonderful. The best waitress in London by far!
Bathrooms: The bathrooms are downstairs, dark and reminiscent of like a brothel in 1800’s New Orleans. You know what I mean? The lighting was dim, the colors were dark reds and browns, and random cosmetics were scattered on display. A very strange mood going on but it was nice and clean, so whatever! Also I liked that the stall was separated from the sink area, despite being a single serve bathroom. People don’t have to wait outside that way, avoiding the awkwardness that comes from that. Oh the toilet seat was hysterically big and weird! That’s enough.
Food: A wonderful meal overall, with only very few missteps. As with all similar fancy but nonveg restaurants, they really could do to up the protein quotient of the vegan menu. They focus on doing vegetables and doing them very well, and I’m not saying add tofu or seitan or something when they don’t use it for the main diners, but add a bean here or there, ya know? And dessert, at least the final one, really could use some work. Other than that, it was splendid.
Bonus: The restaurant has a great atmosphere and makes you feel so special being there! Be cool like hip Shoreditch people! It was the perfect place to celebrate a special occasion. Oh and the biggest bonus – SOFT PAIRING!!!!
Water speed: Amazing!! Great job! And it wasn’t tap but it was included dance dance dance! (I’m very cheap.)
Service: Absolutely wonderful. The best waitress in London by far!
Bathrooms: The bathrooms are downstairs, dark and reminiscent of like a brothel in 1800’s New Orleans. You know what I mean? The lighting was dim, the colors were dark reds and browns, and random cosmetics were scattered on display. A very strange mood going on but it was nice and clean, so whatever! Also I liked that the stall was separated from the sink area, despite being a single serve bathroom. People don’t have to wait outside that way, avoiding the awkwardness that comes from that. Oh the toilet seat was hysterically big and weird! That’s enough.
Food: A wonderful meal overall, with only very few missteps. As with all similar fancy but nonveg restaurants, they really could do to up the protein quotient of the vegan menu. They focus on doing vegetables and doing them very well, and I’m not saying add tofu or seitan or something when they don’t use it for the main diners, but add a bean here or there, ya know? And dessert, at least the final one, really could use some work. Other than that, it was splendid.
Bonus: The restaurant has a great atmosphere and makes you feel so special being there! Be cool like hip Shoreditch people! It was the perfect place to celebrate a special occasion. Oh and the biggest bonus – SOFT PAIRING!!!!
