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The EMMYS Are Tomorrow Night! Let’s Predict Stuff!

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 The Emmy Awards are tomorrow! Yeah, on a Monday! And still in August! What’s up with that! What the hell? Who decided this? Not that it affects me but I’m sure it affects someone and that’s not right.  I hope none of you are working late tomorrow.
    Anyway, so we’re here again at this 4-hour dose of crazy called the Emmy Awards, honoring whatever the crap the insane voters (the most insane of any voting body except maybe Florida) want to honor in Television. Television is amazing, by the way. As those of you who actually know me know, if a person doesn’t watch Television I will not know how to converse with said person. But the Emmys don’t really honor the best – if that were true, Tatiana Maslany (of “Orphan Black”) would already have at least one statue, and Steve Carell two. No, even more than the Golden Globes (that’s right, I’m saying it), the Emmys are…whack. Totally whack. Sometimes, the most deserving nominees do win, but the nominations themselves are often ridiculous.*

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      I know what you’re thinking. You’re slowly raising your hand and saying, “Um, excuse me, but the Golden Globes nominations are more nonsensical than the continued popularity of the Ice Bucket Challenge.” Yes, that’s true, but we know the Globes are redonk. We expect the redonk from the Hollywood Foreigners and we LOVE it. The Globes are fun and everyone knows they only exist because the Hollywood Foreigners’ parents are out of town and they want famous people to help them raid the liquor cabinet. But people still consider the Emmys to be meaningful and valuable and, god help us, career defining. The Emmys are tricksters. And, as it reads on the signs in Berlin metro stations, beware of tricksters. Seriously, Steve Carell. Never won. These voters are awful.
      So let’s talk about who should win out of this year’s milky-unmixed-cloudy-substance of the crop, and more importantly, who should have been nominated. Full disclosure: I don’t actually watch every Television show there is. Shocking! But I know stuff. Also, Seth Meyers is hosting. I love Seth Meyers, but in things like Weekend Update and especially his White House Correspondent’s Dinner performance, my favorite of all time. I am wary of his being able to match Tina and Amy or Jimmy Fallon, the best Emmy hosts ever, because he doesn’t seem silly. But I have high hopes.

*I mean, I guess that’s the same for every award out there, but still. E for egregious, Emmy. 
**PPS, I’m going to use the f word (well the letter f because I’m a lady) a lot, I predict.


BEST COMEDY SERIES

  • “The Big Bang Theory”
  • “Louie”
  • “Modern Family”
  • “Orange Is the New Black”
  • “Silicon Valley”
  • “Veep”

SERIOUSLY AMERICA??? F THIS. I am so sick of the lazy voting. It’s like 7 years ago voters checked off ‘annuity’ instead of ‘cash’ for “Big Bang” and “Modern Family” and so their votes get renewed every year without a second thought. Yes, they are funny to some people, but come the f on, Bridget. Even the incredible “Louie” isn’t in there because voters actually watch and respect it; it’s in there every year now because the voters are too lazy to actually see what’s out there and change something.
     I LOVE the addition of OITNB, though I wouldn’t call it a comedy (would anyone?), and “Silicon Valley” is at least outside the box. If I were voting from this field, it would be for “Veep” last year, and it did win last year, if I recall accurately, so this year I would vote for the non-comedy OITNB because I f-ing love that show. But I’d vote for it in the drama category. 
    So, what should be there instead? “The Mindy Project”, which surpassed a solid first season with the best sophomore season imaginable. It perfectly blended ridiculous and amazing situations with true heart and lovely homages to tons of famous romantic comedies. And what actually was the best comedy of last year? By such an immense margin that it almost makes sense that it’s not nominated because it is in another league? “Parks & Recreation”. The best ensemble currently on Television, the most perfect writing that mixes hilarity and sentimentality without ever getting twee, and the best season finale of possibly any comedy ever. This isn’t even funny anymore Emmy, whoever you are you raving lunatic bitch. 

BEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

  • Lena Dunham, “Girls”
  • Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
  • Julia Louis Dreyfus, “Veep”
  • Melissa McCarthy, “Mike & Molly”
  • Amy Poehler, “Parks & Recreation”
  • Taylor Schilling, “Orange Is the New Black”

What?? I love Melissa McCarthy and Lena Dunham, but STOP it, voters. Stop voting for the former just because you love her movie work and stop voting for the latter because you love her writing. Voters don’t even watch EITHER of their shows, I guarantee it. How do I know? Because the old people composing this voting group don’t watch “Girls”, and they certainly don’t watch “Molly” because NO ONE DOES.
    JLD is pure brilliance on “Veep”, but she’s won like 12 times over the past 6 decades. I am SO SO happy for Taylor Schilling, who really does carry OITNB. Regardless of how you feel about Piper, you can’t deny that Taylor does a helluva job as the heart of that show. But oh Hallelujah praise JESUS Amy Poehler. Let’s win yes please. Did you know she has been nominated 15 times? Never won. She deserves it SO MUCH. I have a feeling that OITNB may ride a huge wave of wins this year, taking Taylor with it, but I can never vote against Amy. 

BEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY

  • Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory”
  • Ricky Gervais, “Derek”
  • Matt LeBlanc, “Episodes”
  • Don Cheadle, “House of Lies”
  • Louis C.K., “Louie”
  • William H. Macy, “Shameless”

     UGHHH!!!! Do you know how much it absolutely pains me to admit that Parsons is 99.9% likely to win yet afreakinggain on Sunday? I mean yes he is great and created a wonderful character but ENOUGH. FFS!!!! This entire category is a bunch of lazy recycled flooey. There’s no inspiration, there’s no ingenuity, no real thought evidenced. Same old same old, maybe some new but not really, lazy lazy lazy. My vote would have been for…none of these. It would have been for Chris Messina of “The Mindy Project”. He is PERFECTION. Seriously, do you watch it? I’m not just saying that because Mindy Kaling has written the most perfect romantic comedy leading man in a long time. He is a fantastic actor and he brings out genius and emotion in every single line. “I’ll have whatever gave her an orgasm!” will stand as the best paraphrase of all time. OF ALL TIME. How many times did you rewind the airplane scene? Did it even compare to how many times you watched the part where he tries to dress like Bradley Cooper for Mindy? OR WHEN HE DANCED??? Seriously.
      Also should have been nominated? The underrated but always stellar Adam Scott for “Parks & Rec”. Is he not the best? This scene was deleted but it’s hilarious. 

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

  • Mayim Bialik, “The Big Bang Theory”
  • Julie Bowen, “Modern Family”
  • Allison Janney, “Mom”
  • Kate Mulgrew, “Orange Is the New Black”
  • Kate McKinnon, “Saturday Night Live”
  • Anna Chlumsky, “Veep”

      I partly love this group and partly hate. Oh my lordy lord why is Julie Bowen nominated every year? It’s like her name was written in permanent marker on the dry erase board and no one can get it off so they’re like eh whatever, she’s good, let it stay up there. BUT COME ON. She’s good but she’s been doing the same thing for like 14 seasons and there is so much new fresh talent out there that deserves recognition. Also she scares me.
    I’m cool with Anna Chlumsky and Mayim Bialik here, because they were my favorite childhood actresses and they inspired me to wear mood rings and fun hats, respectively. And Kate McKinnon, holy crap, she single-handedly saved SNL from being unwatchable the past few years. Her Ellen impression is only topped by her Bieber, which in turn is only topped by her sad Russian lady. But I think Kate Mulgrew is going to be part of an OITNB sweep, unless Janney sneaks in because people looohooove her. 
     Who would I have nominated? Retta for “Parks & Rec”, if only for this scene, or maybe this one. Or maybe Aubrey Plaza instead for conveying so much information (and usually hatred) with just a look. Or Amy Schumer for her own hilarious, game-changing show. Also, why six? I’m so done with the acting categories having six instead of five nominees. B TO THE S. Grow a pair. It’s not little league where everyone gets a trophy! Make this shit count!

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

  • Andre Braugher, “Brookiyn Nine-Nine”
  • Adam Driver, “Girls”
  • Jesse Tyler Ferguson, “Modern Family”
  • Ty Burrell, “Modern Family”
  • Fred Armisen, “Portlandia”
  • Tony Hale, “Veep”

    Last year, Tony Hale’s surprise win was one of the very best moments. Everyone loves Baby Buster, and he’s the easiest pick for the lazy voters this year because of that moment. (He also would definitely deserve it, because he submitted the nosebleed episode.) Andre might sneak in to win it, as his foray into comedy is what made B99 a success thus far. The “Modern Family” nominations are driving me absolutely bonkers and I can’t deal with them any longer. Stop it. I’m excited for Adam Driver but not for this past season. Maybe for next season. And who doesn’t like Fred Armisen (I mean I’m sure tons of people?) but…who besides vegans watches “Portlandia”?  
    Who deserves to not only be in this crowd but to win? Danny Pudi  for “Community”. Seriously, what does this guy have to do? For five seasons, he has created one of the most original, brilliant, and lovable characters. It should actually be considered a crime that he is missing here, like with arrests and jail time, that kind of crime. He is pure genius as Abed. His work both inside and outside the Dreamatorium makes him already one of the most important characters in Television comedy history. 
    Who else deserves a nomination ffs? Ron Swanson, I MEAN HELLO??? He stands out in the most perfect ensemble of “Parks & Rec” and that is no easy feat. 

BEST DRAMA SERIES

  • “Breaking Bad”
  • “Downton Abbey”
  • “Game of Thrones”
  • “House of Cards”
  • “Mad Men”
  • “True Detective”

Lazy lazy lazy, stick your head in gravy, ashes, ashes, you should all fall down. “Downton Abbey”? Give me a f-ing break! The first two seasons, sure, they were deserving of a nomination. But no more! Please, no more! America! You must get over this blind obsession with all this British! Ugh! Also, it’s a comedy. Watch it as a comedy and your mind will be blown. It should switch places with OITNB because the latter deserves to be in this category.
   Anyway, I know people loved “True Detective” but I couldn’t get through it. Boring! “Mad Men”? Boring! GOT? Great, glad it is nominated, but I’m bored with that too! “House of Cards” would be my pick out of this group, but “Breaking Bad” must win for its final season. There’s no way voters would let it go unrecognized, even though it has some awards from past seasons. 
      What should have been nominated? “Orphan Black”, the best drama on Television and the second best show out there period. If you haven’t watched it, I suggest you go do that now (and then once you finish both seasons finish reading this post). I can’t even begin to explain how good it is. Yes, the main selling point is that Tatiana Maslany plays a shittonne of characters, but aside from that it’s still a brilliant, original, captivating show. I can’t even deal. 
     What else should have been here? “The Good Wife”, which had a surprisingly incredible comeback of a season, and “Scandal”, which is the most fun EVER. Seriously, who doesn’t watch and love “Scandal”? Any show that Retta live-tweets (and her faves seem to be “Scandal” & “Good Wife”) deserves to be nominated.

BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

  • Lizzy Caplan, “Masters of Sex”
  • Claire Danes, “Homeland”
  • Michelle Dockery, “Downton Abbey”
  • Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife”
  • Kerry Washington, “Scandal”
  • Robin Wright, “House of Cards”

     Oh man are you as sick as I am of the lazy Michelle Dockery nomination every year? I just don’t get it. And “Homeland” gosh it feels like that hasn’t been on for years. That of course shouldn’t determine anything, but Claire has won a bunch and I like socialism in my awards. Julianna Margulies and Robin Wright are consistently awesome, but I just don’t see either of them winning. My vote would be for the ridiculously amazing and gorgeous Kerry Washington, who last year made cryface even better (and more often!) than Claire Danes. She should have won last year, especially after her co-presenter Diane Carroll pretty much said “Hey babe you’re gonna win later tonight” and then she LOST. That’s embarrassing. But I think Lizzy Caplan gets it this year because she’s on a new buzzy show that probably won’t win elsewhere (because it’s not nominated elsewhere). And come on, who doesn’t want Janis Ian to win? 

BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA

  • Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
  • Jeff Daniels, “The Newsroom”
  • Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
  • Woody Harrelson, “True Detective”
  • Matthew McConaughey, “True Detective”
  • Kevin Spacey, “House of Cards”

   Oh my god, if Jeff Daniels wins again I think every head in that theatre will explode. How crazy was that last year? And not good crazy. Crazy crazy. Woody Harrelson deserved a nod for his stint as Nathan “I’ve got my spleen money” NoLastName on “Will & Grace” but I don’t feel it here. And how nice would it be if Jon Hamm, always excellent but always a bridesmaid, finally finally won? He won’t though. Kevin Spacey deserves a win, but this race is between Cranston and McConaughey. Honestly, if McConaughey wins an EMMY the same year he won an OSCAR (over Chiwetel FFS!!!) I think my skin may just fall off. I guess we’ll see, because there’s actually a strong chance he’ll beat the favoritest Cranston for his final season as the most lovable (?) meth dealer in history on “Breaking Bad”. BB will either sweep its categories in a wave of final respects, or it’ll lose all its categories. Or something in between.
     Who should have been nominated? Well WTF happened to Damian Lewis on “Homeland”? It was HIS last season too! Did people forget? He died well. And Matthew Rhys on “The Americans” (not that I watch it but I hear things)? And even Michael Sheen on his footcycle was snubbed! I’m sorry, velocipede. Sigh. 

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

  • Anna Gunn, “Breaking Bad”
  • Maggie Smith, “Downton Abbey”
  • Lena Headey, “Game of Thrones”
  • Christine Baranski, “The Good Wife”
  • Christina Hendricks, “Mad Men”
  • Joanne Froggatt, “Downton Abbey”

     Ok. Deep breaths. Yes, Frogwoman and McGonagall are inexplicably nominated AGAIN for that show about annoying Brits. Jesus H! Maggie Smith has like 3 lines per season. I love Maggie so much, who doesn’t, but come the f on. 3 lines. And she’s won for this show like multiple times! And she’s never there to accept it! Move onnnnn Emmy voters! Move onnnnnn! Stop worrying if your vision is new/let others make that decision/they usually do/just keep moving onnnnnn!
     Cersei and Baranski are totally deserving here of nominations and I’m relieved they’re in there. Christina Hendricks is always nominated and Elizabeth Moss isn’t and that makes me ragey. So I think we will see a repeat performance by Anna Gunn in the final-season-sweep by “Breaking Bad”. Honestly, if she gets bested by Maggie Smith I will probably break one of the seven tv’s in my living space. 
      Whose omission is particularly egregious? Monica Potter (yes the same one from that awful Freddie Prinze Jr. movie about models) from “Parenthood” for sure. And Emilia Clarke, as much as she embarrassed Broadway, deserves to be in there too for her best season on “GOT” (at least what I got through). Ughhh thinking about lazy automatic “Downton Abbey” votes that got in instead of these really upset me. I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. NO, AN HOUR. A FULL HOUR. 

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

  • Aaron Paul, “Breaking Bad”
  • Jim Carter, “Downton Abbey”
  • Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones”
  • Josh Charles, “The Good Wife”
  • ***Mandy Patinkin, “Homeland”***
  • Jon Voight, “Ray Donovan”

      Okay, I’m not actually angry about this category. In fact, I think it is the only category this year that isn’t giving me agita. I would be happy with 3 of these guys winning, and that’s not even including the one I bolded above. (But let’s get that lazy “Downton” vote out of there first.)
     Who would I vote for in this category? MANDAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! OMG. MANDY. PLEASE WIN. I even quoted “Sunday in the Park with George” above just to honor him; you’d think Emmy could at least throw him a trophy. He’s the best. Erma. 
     I think Josh Charles could also pull off a deserving win after what his character went through (well he didn’t make it through…so he just went?) last season. Butttt he wanted to get off the show, and if voters know that (they do) they prob don’t like it. Peter Dinklage had a spectacular season, with his most intense storylines and I think the most screentime yet…but his accent is still happening. Oh my goodness, that accent. I do not get it. It’s like how I pretend to do a British accent and then actual Brits make fun of me for sounding weird. Regardless, he is definitely a front-runner. But I think Aaron Paul is going to win yet again, because last season and all that stuff yada yada yada. And I mean yeah he’s amazing. 

WHAT ELSE CAN YOU EXPECT? 
   Expect a win for Jimmy Fallon’s first season on “The Tonight Show” and a sheeeettonneeeee for “The Normal Heart”. It wasn’t even half as brilliant and wrenching and soul-shattering as the last Broadway revival and still it was one of the best things on Television all season. 
   Do not expect a musical number. 
   Expect a directing win for none other than two-time Oscar winner Jodie Foster, for her direction of OITNB. Maybe she will EGOT? Can she sing? 
   Do not expect anyone to mention Lin-Manuel Miranda’s win at the Creatives last week, making him one of the few people who already have 3 of the 4 trophies necessary for an EGOT. He’s gonna do it. I can feel it. 
  Expect someone to present obviously drunk and for twitter to explode about it. And for the best part of the night to be the Best Actress in a Comedy nominees doing something silly as their category is announced. 
ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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