These Double Caramel Waffle Cookies Taste Like Your Childhood! by Randi / December 2, 2014
Watch this instead
This may be totally over as a conversation by now but a) I am not in America and b) I couldn’t get through this in one sitting.
Big takeaway: Peter Pan is a weird ass show. If people came into the NBC musical broadcast without having a background in the story, they would deem it the stuff of nightmares. Mostly the nightmares of people who are against problematic gender norms, pedophilia, kidnapping, and weird sexual relationships. Considering that these live musicals are chosen to appeal to families – i.e. children – I’m sure that this production was indeed the first exposure to Pan for a big portion of the audience. This realization isn’t so much sad as f-ing nuts. Can you imagine seeing this broadcast without having a foundation in the story to protect your soul? Nightmares.
Big takeaway: Peter Pan is a weird ass show. If people came into the NBC musical broadcast without having a background in the story, they would deem it the stuff of nightmares. Mostly the nightmares of people who are against problematic gender norms, pedophilia, kidnapping, and weird sexual relationships. Considering that these live musicals are chosen to appeal to families – i.e. children – I’m sure that this production was indeed the first exposure to Pan for a big portion of the audience. This realization isn’t so much sad as f-ing nuts. Can you imagine seeing this broadcast without having a foundation in the story to protect your soul? Nightmares.
Peter Pan, based on this travesty from NBC, is about a rebellious girl who can fly between worlds. You know she is rebellious because she has short hair, ugly clothing, and a lack of emotion despite a constant smile. This rebel kidnaps two little boys and their inappropriately dressed older aunt and takes them to a modern version of the tunnel scene in Willy Wonka. Although the little boys have a lovely mother with the most beautiful voice ever (and I guess the aunt has such a sister?), their dad is a jackwagon so you’re okay with them getting some air for a while.
One of the boys wears a top hat. All the time. Even at bedtime. Even while flying. The other boy, no doubt scarred by his emotionally unavailable father, can’t think of any happy thoughts except for candy, setting him up for serious dental problems later in life, if not the ‘betus itself.
These three Darling people are tended to by Nana, a big fluffy dog who is smart enough to sense danger and protect her human siblings. Whyyy is the musical not about Nana? One of life’s unanswered questions. That dog is wicked smaht.
Peter Pan and his twinkling ball of light, which we are supposed to accept as a fairy even though we’ve seen full-bodied fairies like Stanley Tucci in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” and all over New York, teach dear old aunt Wendy and the two boys how to fly, or really how to jerk around panicked and gracelessly when hoisted by very visible wires. Seeing the wires doesn’t bother me as much as everyone’s inability to fly without appearing to have constipation-induced seizures. Why are they so awkward? Did anyone teach them how to do the flying bits? Did they even have a chance to practice flying around before the live show? It doesn’t seem like it. They should have just done all CGI flying if it was going to be this bad.
In very little time at all, thanks to dear old Aunt Wendy’s breathlessness and fluttery eyes, we realize that this is actually a love story between Peter and Wendy, making J. M. Barrie’s tale perhaps the first lesbian fairy tale. But why does Peter, ostensibly a 25-year-old girl, need a 28-year-old girl to tuck her and her male followers in at night? It’s very creepy. But the story is quite progressive: Not only are Peter and Wendy lesbian lovers, but they are in an interspecies love triangle with a jealous ball of light. Wow. Much progress.
So the littlest boy, Michael, starts out as adorable before gradually getting more and more annoying. During the adorable phase, he grabs his teddy bear before flying off to Neverland. That is cute. What’s not cute is what would actually happen to the humans if they flew unprotected by spacesuits between freaking realms. Skin melting and stuff. That might be more entertaining though. This shit be dull. Peter/Allison Williams seems too embarrassed to fully commit to the role as lead lesbian lover. Gotta get over that before the second show.
Commercial break: Cool, a Wal-mart commercial with Melissa Joan Hart and I’m guessing her actual family of husband and three boy children who are playing with a toy fairy. It’s cute until the husband person says “I’m pretending it’s a helicopter.” That’s a cool message to send to all young boys, Wal-Mart, that to be male you can’t play with pretty colored toys or fairies unless you pretend it’s something MACHINE and MANLY. Cool. Outdated gender roles are the coolest. This is a good place to share one of my favorite infographics:
One of the boys wears a top hat. All the time. Even at bedtime. Even while flying. The other boy, no doubt scarred by his emotionally unavailable father, can’t think of any happy thoughts except for candy, setting him up for serious dental problems later in life, if not the ‘betus itself.
These three Darling people are tended to by Nana, a big fluffy dog who is smart enough to sense danger and protect her human siblings. Whyyy is the musical not about Nana? One of life’s unanswered questions. That dog is wicked smaht.
Peter Pan and his twinkling ball of light, which we are supposed to accept as a fairy even though we’ve seen full-bodied fairies like Stanley Tucci in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” and all over New York, teach dear old aunt Wendy and the two boys how to fly, or really how to jerk around panicked and gracelessly when hoisted by very visible wires. Seeing the wires doesn’t bother me as much as everyone’s inability to fly without appearing to have constipation-induced seizures. Why are they so awkward? Did anyone teach them how to do the flying bits? Did they even have a chance to practice flying around before the live show? It doesn’t seem like it. They should have just done all CGI flying if it was going to be this bad.
In very little time at all, thanks to dear old Aunt Wendy’s breathlessness and fluttery eyes, we realize that this is actually a love story between Peter and Wendy, making J. M. Barrie’s tale perhaps the first lesbian fairy tale. But why does Peter, ostensibly a 25-year-old girl, need a 28-year-old girl to tuck her and her male followers in at night? It’s very creepy. But the story is quite progressive: Not only are Peter and Wendy lesbian lovers, but they are in an interspecies love triangle with a jealous ball of light. Wow. Much progress.
So the littlest boy, Michael, starts out as adorable before gradually getting more and more annoying. During the adorable phase, he grabs his teddy bear before flying off to Neverland. That is cute. What’s not cute is what would actually happen to the humans if they flew unprotected by spacesuits between freaking realms. Skin melting and stuff. That might be more entertaining though. This shit be dull. Peter/Allison Williams seems too embarrassed to fully commit to the role as lead lesbian lover. Gotta get over that before the second show.
Commercial break: Cool, a Wal-mart commercial with Melissa Joan Hart and I’m guessing her actual family of husband and three boy children who are playing with a toy fairy. It’s cute until the husband person says “I’m pretending it’s a helicopter.” That’s a cool message to send to all young boys, Wal-Mart, that to be male you can’t play with pretty colored toys or fairies unless you pretend it’s something MACHINE and MANLY. Cool. Outdated gender roles are the coolest. This is a good place to share one of my favorite infographics:
Back to the show: This narrator sounds like that English tart Lorraine Finster!!!
Once Peter, his new lover, and the boys get to Neverland – an impressively technicolored set – we get to meet our Captain Hook. No, not Christian Borle (Smee and Mr. Darling), who actually won a TONY for playing Captain Hook (at least a variation), but Christopher Walken, that singular adjuster of all rhythms of language that we thought were okay to accept as unchanging. Christopher Walken is on many drugs here but none of the ones that give energy, so that doesn’t bode well for the next too many hours.
Side note, when did Christian Borle DOUBLE his arm size?
Once Peter, his new lover, and the boys get to Neverland – an impressively technicolored set – we get to meet our Captain Hook. No, not Christian Borle (Smee and Mr. Darling), who actually won a TONY for playing Captain Hook (at least a variation), but Christopher Walken, that singular adjuster of all rhythms of language that we thought were okay to accept as unchanging. Christopher Walken is on many drugs here but none of the ones that give energy, so that doesn’t bode well for the next too many hours.
Side note, when did Christian Borle DOUBLE his arm size?
As we watch Christopher Walken stare at the cue cards next to the camera, we learn that pirates are these long-haired hot people who dance well. Why are people scared of pirates? They seem awesome. They probably have good tips for detangling hair after swimming in the ocean.
Although the story keeps telling us that we are supposed to be scared of Hook, a notorious pirate ship captain, it seems he’s really a Lower East Side drag queen with general malaise and a too-light shade of pancake makeup.
So distracted by Smee’s arms! I guess the camera does add 10 pounds, and it all goes to Christian Borle’s arms? Maybe he’s wearing fake arms?
The pirates’ carrying Hook on a sedan chair as his face betrays zero emotion is a metaphor for this show.
Christian Borle deserves a freaking Emmy for trying to breathe life into Walken. Seriously, he just blew into Walken’s arse. He literally tried to breathe life into him. He is not holding anything back. Gotta try everything.
Now we meet the Lost Boys. Given their costumes and homoerotic physicality, the Lost Boys are just Chilton drop-outs? Duke lacrosse players? Ah! Aside from giving us the progressive lesbian relationship, “Peter Pan” also tells important lessons about white male privilege. The whole Lost Boys aspect, it seems, is a precautionary tale about the current state of our society and its persistent, ignorant condoning of bad male behavior, continually excused as ‘just boys being boys’ or rewritten as a slam on irrelevant female behavior. These preppy prepschool boys in their striped rugby shirts and popped collars and colorful caps represent the Duke lacrosse players, the Steubenville football players, and all the other masses of men who are ‘lost’ because they don’t face necessary punishment and therefore never learn responsibility or proper ways to behave as respectable members of our society. So that’s what Peter Pan is about? Interesting. Is that why he’s played by a woman always? For feminism? Is that why they are singing this awful song about how Wendy will be their mother? “We have a mother at last we have a mother”, because their mothers are the only women they are able to recognize as deserving respect and the only ones who probably believe that they are decent at heart? I find the basic premise of rooting for the Lost Boys to defeat the Pirates as flawed. I want the pirates to win. These boys are trouble, if my hypothesis is correct. They will just inflict lots of pain and torture throughout their lives and get away with it. At least the pirates are honest about their intentions. Wow, Barrie was pretty prescient.
Moving on from sexism and misogyny to racism, within these enormous wedding bouquet trees, the Lost Boys are surrounded by the natives but they don’t know it. The natives (at least they are no longer calling them the Indians? I think?) literally have their feet on the Lost Boys’s asses but the Boys have no idea what’s going on. Is this a metaphor for American history, that the white Lost Boys can’t see the Indians right next to them? Or that they are blinded by their disregard of them?
Commercial break: F-ing A but “Into the Woods” looks AMAZING. I am so eager to see this movie instead of finish watching “Peter Pan” that I don’t think I can form full paragraphs for a while.
The Lost Boys KILL Wendy? What in the actual hell is this show? See, preppy prepschool white boys are TROUBLE TO WOMEN. And Tinkerbell is legit evil! Why is that ball of light not being extinguished? Why do people care if people don’t believe in her? She is EVIL.
Peter is actually singing about ‘Oh the pleasure she’ll bring to us’ about Wendy. This is so lesbians love story!
Omg MASS GROUP SHOWER SCENE this is vulgar. Why are all the Newsies in one small bathtub together? Do I have to rewatch Newsies to understand all the homoerotic subtext is that as well? Are all musicals this batshit? No.
“I Won’t Grow Up” really drives home my newly realized theory about this show being a scathing indictment of masculinity in modern society. These boys refuse to learn how to be better citizens! Refuse to mature and take responsibility! This show is deep. Neverland represents their mental state of everlasting “youth and joy and liberty”, their escape from being better members of actual society and living in a fantasy world of privilege and ignorance instead. Whoa.
Back to Peter and Wendy. They are going on a moonlight canoe ride on the lagoon. It’s pretty much the same setting as “Kiss The Girl” but without that amazing song. Or any song at all! Why can’t these two lovebirds have a beautiful duet on the water at this point? Nonetheless, this is pretty special. We don’t really get a lot of legit lesbian romance on television. There’s a lot of gay male relationships on TV, and thanks primarily to “How To Get Away With Murder” a lot of gay sex, but TV doesn’t give equal airtime to gay women. So this is nice.
Yet the story is making the common ignorant assumption that all women are jealous of each other over the menfolk or some shit like that. Why does every single female character need to be jealous of the others because they all love Peter? That look Wendy gave to Tiger Lily was a ‘bitch stay away’ if I ever saw one. And Even Older Aunt Wendy (who is ACTUALLY that English tart Lorraine Finster) lets her daughter run away with Peter? And they all wish that ALL the female descendants of Wendy will forever be taken away by Peter when they come of age? What is THAT creepy shit about! That’s a level of disgusting not even seen in Greek tragedies.
I’m focusing on the gay lovers and the Lost Boys’ metaphor because the rest of this is too dull to bother with. In the big climax sword fight between Hook and Pan, the pirates either fell asleep or sacrificed themselves to the sea witch to avoid having to watch any more. It was the slowest, most painfully uneventful sword fight OF ALL TIME. Who choreographed this? Kids do a better job playfighting with swords cut out of construction paper.
And as much as I love the Newsies, they are too old to be Lost Boys if the little Darling boys are meant to be their peers. They are actually old enough to be their fathers, and so the whole ‘Wendy be our mother!’ thing is just gross. That’s just gross.
I don’t have the energy to think any more about how dull this production was. I’m too disappointed in such a wasted opportunity. All I can say is thank god for Kelli O’Hara. And next year they better do “Hair”. Something worth watching.
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“Falsettos” Revival on Broadway: March Me to Another Theatre
For a show that begins with four Jews in a room bitching, in a song called “Four Jews in a Room Bitching”, you would think I’d love “Falsettos”. But when I saw the current Broadway revival of this show, I was somehow left cold, which is pretty hard when the focus is on family dynamics and, suddenly, AIDS. I was having trouble with the choppy direction and erratic pacing throughout the show, but I believe the suddenness of the AIDS story is what fully shut down all my feelings aside from ‘disbelief’ and ‘like you’re being punked’. I’ve been told that I would have enjoyed this particular production more if I was at all familiar with it beforehand (I wasn’t), and I could see how this cast would be a treat if you were a fan of the show. But you shouldn’t need to know a piece beforehand to enjoy it. And honestly, it’s a weird show. There are moments of brilliance (possibly due to the actors involved here), but oof, it was difficult to get through. I’ve never been so impatient for a show to end. And I barely remember ¾ of what I saw.
“Falsettos” is the story of a ‘tight-knit family’ of Trina (Stephanie J. Block), her ex-husband Marvin (Christian Borle), their son Jason (a child), Marvin’s new male lover Whizzer (Andrew Rannells), and their therapist Mendel (Brandon Uranowitz). Marvin has just left Trina for Whizzer but still wants to keep his family close and have them accept Whizzer as a new member, which is supes awks for everyone. But even more awkward is the opening number, which I enjoyed tremendously before thinking, wait, WTF, what’s happening. The four male characters are dressed like Israelites straight from the desert as they ‘bitch’ and Trina does some community-theatre-style assistant directing, flying flags and banners and adding some props to the mix. So, going into this cold, my actual first thought was, is this show about an acting troupe? Not joking. It made more sense than the truth, which is that this opening had nothing to do with their reality because no, they weren’t putting on a show, so it was just breaking the fourth wall I guess for a few laughs. Yet it was one of the most enjoyable parts of the show, so I can’t knock it too much.
Weirder was when that vaguely odd number ends and the real story begins, and you realize that despite this being an expensive Broadway production, there is no set aside from some giant gray cubes. And the actors throughout the entire show are constantly rearranging the blocks into different shapes to represent tables, chairs, therapy couches, beds, exteriors of houses, &c. This set design was really distracting and had very little payoff, the only interesting uses being as a house that could be easily knocked down, a decent metaphor for the family strife, and when all the cubes rearranged into a grave at the end. But despite how strong that ending visual was, I don’t think it was worth two hours and 45 minutes of wasted set design and extra jobs for the actors. It looked very ill-fitting for such an enormous stage, and I thought how much more appropriate this production and show in general would be in a small black box theatre. I think I could have appreciated it more in that setting.
Early on, as the cast forms the gray blocks into living room and bedroom furniture, we learn that Jason, the child, is scared that he’ll be gay because his ‘father is a homo’, as he sings. The funniest part was that Anthony Rosenthal, playing Jason, seemed to have a bad cold, and he kept sneezing and coughing in Christian Borle’s face and they tried not to laugh. Not as funny was that, in the wake of Sydney Lucas in “Fun Home” putting all other child actors and child roles to shame, this role (and sadly the actor) was indeed put to shame. We also learn that Marvin sees a therapist to figure out his tumultuous relationship with Whizzer – based more on lust at first than love, though they do admit that they truly love each other. Christian and Andrew’s chemistry was stronger than that of most couples, onstage or onscreen, and these two Broadway superstars made the thin story of the first act more compelling because of it. Nonetheless, their characters were kind of thankless until the very end, which is unfortunate for such incredible actors. They both do extremely well with what they’re given, but aside from a few money notes and their killer chemistry, they aren’t given much.
Then we learn that Trina needs a therapist because of this very difficult time for her family, which is understandable. But what isn’t understandable – except for purposes of the fake story – is that she goes to Marvin’s therapist Mendel. And then they all decide that Jason, who is having an understandably rough time with this transitional period, needs a therapist too…so they also enlist Mendel to therapize Jason. One really important lesson that I wish the characters learned before the show started is that there are lots of psychiatrists in New York City. Like I bet there’s at least one on every block of Manhattan and more when you get to the Upper East Side. So, there’s no good reason for a father, mother, and the son to all see the same psychiatrist. That’s the kind of crazy talk that would merit a visit to a psychiatrist. A different one.
Mendel quickly falls in love with Trina, which is against lots of rules and makes Marvin feel even more alienated from his family. He also needs a new therapist now. We’re supposed to feel bad for Marvin when these things start biting him in the ass but he did leave his family for a hot young thang so I mean what did he expect would happen. Mendel seems great at first, if severely in breach of ethics rules, but he really is the same immature sort that Marvin is, and Trina knows it, but having a husband turn out to be gay has apparently destroyed her confidence so she tells herself she could do worse and convinces herself that its in her best interest to marry Mendel. And I can see how one could arrive at that conclusion because Brandon Uranowitz is flipping hilarious. His subtle gesticulations really made the character and I was loving it for a while. But his character didn’t live up to the early potential. At one point amid all the constant familial drama, Marvin slaps Trina, and I was sooo ready for Trina to stand up and fight back (physically or verbally) but Mendel physically holds her back to prevent any escalation. I think that’s when I lost it. I was pretty close to the stage so it was really hard for me to remember that this wasn’t real and it took all my might to stop myself from climbing up on that stage, punching Marvin for hitting a woman/his ex-wife and then beating the crap out of Mendel for failing to stand up for his new wife. Like what is that shit about. It doesn’t matter that there are two lesbians in the second act (conveniently referred to continuously as ‘the two lesbians who live next door’); this is really a show by, about, and for (gay) men.
Even so, I really tried to love it. I wanted to love it. And one scene got me closer to that point than any other. In fact, as incongruous as it sounds for a show I didn’t really enjoy that much, this one scene – Trina’s “I’m Breaking Down” – might be one of the best performances of a song I’ve ever seen live. I know! Stephanie J. Block is that talented, and this song is directed that perfectly and performed that impeccably. In it, Trina is chopping up food for dinner or a pie or something while she sings a hilarious song about how all this tumult and disorder in her family and in her life is making her lose her mind and all her control, which isn’t that funny on its face, I guess, but Stephanie nails every nanosecond of this scene with perfect comic timing and hysterical frenzied humor, and this one song was worth the ticket price alone. She gets so wild in her crazy that by the end she’s singing through a mouthful of banana and is just a complete mess and it’s amazing. I never thought of Stephanie as a comedian or saw her do anything funny, but this shot her up to the top of the musical comedy list. So, everyone else in the theatre community thought this production was fantastic, to the point where it’s a frontrunner for the Best Revival Tony award. As much as I disagree with that, I would condone such a win just because of Stephanie and this one song. She was that great. As much as I kind of wished I chose a different show to see that night, I am so happy I got to witness this expert performance. I really can’t get over it.
After that scene, I tried even harder to get a bit more into it, as the dynamic was more understandable, with a growing family trying to get through all these changes. But I could not get past how unfortunately terrible a lot of the music was. Not all; there are some bright spots. But too much of the score was terrible. I remember literally gagging when Mendel sings a line about going ‘to jaw’ – as in TO EAT, just so it would rhyme with ‘my paw’ – as in A HANDSHAKE. I can’t stop having nightmares about how terrible that lyric is. There’s no reason for a rhyme that forced when both sides of it are horrendous. Just change both lines!!
And then two insane surprises happen. The first is the most unforgivable because I still don’t understand what it was going for – “The March of the Falsettos”. The four male characters come out in the dark and march over the cubes which are set up as a city skyline or some such. They are wearing bodysuits with patches that reflect the blacklight in the dark, so it’s very 1970s college dorm vibe. And they are singing in falsetto voices. This is legit the one reference to the title of the show. And they march and they sing in those high voices “march of the falsettos, march of the falsettos” and it’s WEIRD. Like, look-around-at-all-the-patrons-around-you-to-see-if-it’s-just-you weird. It was like the opening number in that it was divorced from the reality of the characters’ story and was just for fun or something, I don’t know, but I know my eyes were open rull wide.
The next unforgivable thing is unforgivable for an entirely different reason. See, this is the 1980s, and it’s about some gay men. So maybe I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t because so far it was a comedy, and a silly one at that, at least at times. And its first act didn’t let on that anything of the sort was coming. So when Whizzer starts getting sick, I didn’t get sad; I got ANGRY. Really angry. You can’t have a kind of absurd tone and then all of a sudden start talking about AIDS and expect everyone to quickly get on board with the requisite depth of emotion necessary to discuss the AIDS crisis. It made me angry that they broached this topic in such a poor manner as to prevent me from getting emotionally invested, because we all should always be emotionally invested when this disease comes up. I was pissed that I wasn’t able to connect with this more serious material because it came out of nowhere. And I guess the argument is that well the disease came out of nowhere, to unsuspecting people, and that’s totally true. But so far, this show wasn’t about reflecting pure reality, as the march of the falsettos showed. So I don’t buy that, instead of continuing to tell the story in an artistic way that allowed for maximum empathizing and connection, they suddenly switched to a cold blank reflection of reality. And the whole section of the story about Whizzer dying was incredibly emotional and well done, but because there was no bridge from the former section of the story (the whole first act and change) to this intense drama, I never found a way to catch up to that drama. We were never given another route to it, so it felt very far away and detached from any emotional connection with the audience. Well, some people did manage to find another bridge because there was some SERIOUS sobbing at the end, and I wanted to be there with them, but I wasn’t.
I learned after the fact that my feelings of disjointedness and choppiness were warranted, because the original show was a series of three separate one-acts presented Off Broadway in 1990, like sequels. The Broadway incarnation of “Falsettos” is composed of the second and third one-acts in that series, so, although they are related and follow the same characters and story, the first and second acts are really two completely separate shows. That explains a lot for me. Well, except for the “March of the Falsettos” number. And why they didn’t work more on combining the two more cohesively. And why they kept the second act longer than the first, which should be rule #1 of theatre – never have a longer second act omg especially when people’s attention spans are getting shorter. The show was so long. My hair is so now.
A few days after I saw it, I heard that they are going to air it this season on PBS, as is usually done with one Broadway production per season or so. Despite my frequent exhortation that musical theatre has to be enjoyed live to be appreciated, and despite how lucky I feel having seen these amazing actors live, I kind of wish I’d skipped this one and waited to see it on TV. For free. Still, I’m ecstatic about a few things: one, that I did indeed get to see these actors live, and especially that I saw Stephanie J Block perform this role so wonderfully, and two, that I get to see her perform that role again. For free.
Weirder was when that vaguely odd number ends and the real story begins, and you realize that despite this being an expensive Broadway production, there is no set aside from some giant gray cubes. And the actors throughout the entire show are constantly rearranging the blocks into different shapes to represent tables, chairs, therapy couches, beds, exteriors of houses, &c. This set design was really distracting and had very little payoff, the only interesting uses being as a house that could be easily knocked down, a decent metaphor for the family strife, and when all the cubes rearranged into a grave at the end. But despite how strong that ending visual was, I don’t think it was worth two hours and 45 minutes of wasted set design and extra jobs for the actors. It looked very ill-fitting for such an enormous stage, and I thought how much more appropriate this production and show in general would be in a small black box theatre. I think I could have appreciated it more in that setting.
Early on, as the cast forms the gray blocks into living room and bedroom furniture, we learn that Jason, the child, is scared that he’ll be gay because his ‘father is a homo’, as he sings. The funniest part was that Anthony Rosenthal, playing Jason, seemed to have a bad cold, and he kept sneezing and coughing in Christian Borle’s face and they tried not to laugh. Not as funny was that, in the wake of Sydney Lucas in “Fun Home” putting all other child actors and child roles to shame, this role (and sadly the actor) was indeed put to shame. We also learn that Marvin sees a therapist to figure out his tumultuous relationship with Whizzer – based more on lust at first than love, though they do admit that they truly love each other. Christian and Andrew’s chemistry was stronger than that of most couples, onstage or onscreen, and these two Broadway superstars made the thin story of the first act more compelling because of it. Nonetheless, their characters were kind of thankless until the very end, which is unfortunate for such incredible actors. They both do extremely well with what they’re given, but aside from a few money notes and their killer chemistry, they aren’t given much.
Then we learn that Trina needs a therapist because of this very difficult time for her family, which is understandable. But what isn’t understandable – except for purposes of the fake story – is that she goes to Marvin’s therapist Mendel. And then they all decide that Jason, who is having an understandably rough time with this transitional period, needs a therapist too…so they also enlist Mendel to therapize Jason. One really important lesson that I wish the characters learned before the show started is that there are lots of psychiatrists in New York City. Like I bet there’s at least one on every block of Manhattan and more when you get to the Upper East Side. So, there’s no good reason for a father, mother, and the son to all see the same psychiatrist. That’s the kind of crazy talk that would merit a visit to a psychiatrist. A different one.
Mendel quickly falls in love with Trina, which is against lots of rules and makes Marvin feel even more alienated from his family. He also needs a new therapist now. We’re supposed to feel bad for Marvin when these things start biting him in the ass but he did leave his family for a hot young thang so I mean what did he expect would happen. Mendel seems great at first, if severely in breach of ethics rules, but he really is the same immature sort that Marvin is, and Trina knows it, but having a husband turn out to be gay has apparently destroyed her confidence so she tells herself she could do worse and convinces herself that its in her best interest to marry Mendel. And I can see how one could arrive at that conclusion because Brandon Uranowitz is flipping hilarious. His subtle gesticulations really made the character and I was loving it for a while. But his character didn’t live up to the early potential. At one point amid all the constant familial drama, Marvin slaps Trina, and I was sooo ready for Trina to stand up and fight back (physically or verbally) but Mendel physically holds her back to prevent any escalation. I think that’s when I lost it. I was pretty close to the stage so it was really hard for me to remember that this wasn’t real and it took all my might to stop myself from climbing up on that stage, punching Marvin for hitting a woman/his ex-wife and then beating the crap out of Mendel for failing to stand up for his new wife. Like what is that shit about. It doesn’t matter that there are two lesbians in the second act (conveniently referred to continuously as ‘the two lesbians who live next door’); this is really a show by, about, and for (gay) men.
Even so, I really tried to love it. I wanted to love it. And one scene got me closer to that point than any other. In fact, as incongruous as it sounds for a show I didn’t really enjoy that much, this one scene – Trina’s “I’m Breaking Down” – might be one of the best performances of a song I’ve ever seen live. I know! Stephanie J. Block is that talented, and this song is directed that perfectly and performed that impeccably. In it, Trina is chopping up food for dinner or a pie or something while she sings a hilarious song about how all this tumult and disorder in her family and in her life is making her lose her mind and all her control, which isn’t that funny on its face, I guess, but Stephanie nails every nanosecond of this scene with perfect comic timing and hysterical frenzied humor, and this one song was worth the ticket price alone. She gets so wild in her crazy that by the end she’s singing through a mouthful of banana and is just a complete mess and it’s amazing. I never thought of Stephanie as a comedian or saw her do anything funny, but this shot her up to the top of the musical comedy list. So, everyone else in the theatre community thought this production was fantastic, to the point where it’s a frontrunner for the Best Revival Tony award. As much as I disagree with that, I would condone such a win just because of Stephanie and this one song. She was that great. As much as I kind of wished I chose a different show to see that night, I am so happy I got to witness this expert performance. I really can’t get over it.
After that scene, I tried even harder to get a bit more into it, as the dynamic was more understandable, with a growing family trying to get through all these changes. But I could not get past how unfortunately terrible a lot of the music was. Not all; there are some bright spots. But too much of the score was terrible. I remember literally gagging when Mendel sings a line about going ‘to jaw’ – as in TO EAT, just so it would rhyme with ‘my paw’ – as in A HANDSHAKE. I can’t stop having nightmares about how terrible that lyric is. There’s no reason for a rhyme that forced when both sides of it are horrendous. Just change both lines!!
And then two insane surprises happen. The first is the most unforgivable because I still don’t understand what it was going for – “The March of the Falsettos”. The four male characters come out in the dark and march over the cubes which are set up as a city skyline or some such. They are wearing bodysuits with patches that reflect the blacklight in the dark, so it’s very 1970s college dorm vibe. And they are singing in falsetto voices. This is legit the one reference to the title of the show. And they march and they sing in those high voices “march of the falsettos, march of the falsettos” and it’s WEIRD. Like, look-around-at-all-the-patrons-around-you-to-see-if-it’s-just-you weird. It was like the opening number in that it was divorced from the reality of the characters’ story and was just for fun or something, I don’t know, but I know my eyes were open rull wide.
The next unforgivable thing is unforgivable for an entirely different reason. See, this is the 1980s, and it’s about some gay men. So maybe I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t because so far it was a comedy, and a silly one at that, at least at times. And its first act didn’t let on that anything of the sort was coming. So when Whizzer starts getting sick, I didn’t get sad; I got ANGRY. Really angry. You can’t have a kind of absurd tone and then all of a sudden start talking about AIDS and expect everyone to quickly get on board with the requisite depth of emotion necessary to discuss the AIDS crisis. It made me angry that they broached this topic in such a poor manner as to prevent me from getting emotionally invested, because we all should always be emotionally invested when this disease comes up. I was pissed that I wasn’t able to connect with this more serious material because it came out of nowhere. And I guess the argument is that well the disease came out of nowhere, to unsuspecting people, and that’s totally true. But so far, this show wasn’t about reflecting pure reality, as the march of the falsettos showed. So I don’t buy that, instead of continuing to tell the story in an artistic way that allowed for maximum empathizing and connection, they suddenly switched to a cold blank reflection of reality. And the whole section of the story about Whizzer dying was incredibly emotional and well done, but because there was no bridge from the former section of the story (the whole first act and change) to this intense drama, I never found a way to catch up to that drama. We were never given another route to it, so it felt very far away and detached from any emotional connection with the audience. Well, some people did manage to find another bridge because there was some SERIOUS sobbing at the end, and I wanted to be there with them, but I wasn’t.
I learned after the fact that my feelings of disjointedness and choppiness were warranted, because the original show was a series of three separate one-acts presented Off Broadway in 1990, like sequels. The Broadway incarnation of “Falsettos” is composed of the second and third one-acts in that series, so, although they are related and follow the same characters and story, the first and second acts are really two completely separate shows. That explains a lot for me. Well, except for the “March of the Falsettos” number. And why they didn’t work more on combining the two more cohesively. And why they kept the second act longer than the first, which should be rule #1 of theatre – never have a longer second act omg especially when people’s attention spans are getting shorter. The show was so long. My hair is so now.
A few days after I saw it, I heard that they are going to air it this season on PBS, as is usually done with one Broadway production per season or so. Despite my frequent exhortation that musical theatre has to be enjoyed live to be appreciated, and despite how lucky I feel having seen these amazing actors live, I kind of wish I’d skipped this one and waited to see it on TV. For free. Still, I’m ecstatic about a few things: one, that I did indeed get to see these actors live, and especially that I saw Stephanie J Block perform this role so wonderfully, and two, that I get to see her perform that role again. For free.
Rachel Bloom Live in London: The Most Hilarious, Joyous, Loving Show in Town
Last night, Rachel Bloom, creator and star of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, the greatest television musical/show/lifeforce/raison d’etre/new bar for excellence in any field made her London debut (a phrase about performance firsts that is commonly used in theatre but it sounds like I’m talking about debutantes and I feel like she would love that).
Bloom is in town for only two performances at the Palladium, an enormous theatre by Oxford Circus where I’ve seen, off the top of my head, both the transfer of the 2015 Broadway revival of The King and I, starring Kelli O’Hara, AND Whose Line is it Anyway: Live, a forking confusing list of past residents. Since CXG said goodbye, Bloom and her incredible cast have done the opposite of what most entertainers do when their jobs end: they’ve doubled down on working hard for their insanely adoring fans, just live instead of on TV. With the post-finale live show (on Netflix for people who don’t know, which like how do you live), sold-out shows at freaking Radio City Musical Hall and more, Bloom and the cast have been performing the genius, hilarious, wonderful songs from the beloved show, proving that they’re somehow even more talented live and that they have the best, most dedicated, most adoring fans ever. Finally, Bloom came to London, but without the rest of the cast. Or so we were told.
A mostly solo Rachel Bloom show was still a must-see, especially since she was bringing along co-writer and musical genius Adam Schlesinger on the piano (with local musicians on bass and drums) and Emmy-winning choreographer (representing all the show’s deserved Emmy wins) Kat Burns. She promised a few special surprise guests, who I assumed would be British performers, because I like making an ass out of you and me, I guess. I could not have been more wrong or more excited – I literally jumped out of my seat screaming like a forking lunatic fangirl (which I guess this means I am?) when Rachel tried to kill me by bringing out PETE GARDNER and SCOTT MICHAEL FOSTER. The surprise and excitement at either one of them would have been enough to kill me so with both of them I was killed twice which means the murders get negated and I am fine now, if still amped up on adrenaline and dealing with the subsequent nausea that it causes (it’s a true thing; I googled it at 4am).
The most incredible part, well besides seeing these performers that I love singing literally my favorite songs, was this audience. Rachel seemed genuinely moved at how devoted this immense crowd of fans was. The cheering was unlike anything I’ve ever heard – louder than any sports game I’ve been to (she did say, after making a joke about the big football match over the weekend, “oh no this is my first audience that watches sports!”), louder than any concert, and about 10 times the intensity of a closing night of a Broadway show. Like that last one, this crowd also sang along to every single word, which would normally be annoying for me (and it was a little just because the girls behind me were almost louder than Rachel, which like please no) but for the most part was pretty emotional, for me, for everyone, and clearly for Rachel, who kept pausing to take it all in. The only bad thing about the singing along came when a few people would preempt Rachel’s big moments, but we’ll get to that. Because I can’t focus on literally anything else right now, I’m going to go through night to the best of my ability/memory and share everything I can – including some videos! I didn’t take any during the first act because it is SO WRONG TO RECORD IN THE THEATRE, but then once I fully accepted that this was totally cool here, I took some videos (still super short ones though because ahhh).
ACT I
PERIOD SEX
To open with “Period Sex” is a bold move, and I couldn’t stop laughing watching the unapprised guards’ faces. They did NOT know what they were in for. On the show, we had only gotten a few lines of this song in its various occurrences. But here, oh boy, they went all out writing the rest of the song, even including a line about buying new sheets at Primark (to which Rachel commented, rightly, that Primark sounds like a pregnancy test). Amazing start, jumping right in to the crazy.
FEELING KINDA NAUGHTY
This is one of my favorites so I may have started my screaming, which lasted for the next 2 ½ hours, at recognizing the opening. Although nothing beats the image in the show that accompanies the delivery of “like that film with Liberace”, it was still the amazing live.
WE SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW
Rachel roped Adam into performing Josh’s part from this song, which was hilarious since Adam gives off such a serious vibe.
It was around this point when Rachel learned the hard way that this country does not do air conditioning. It was super hot in the theatre, and I was sweating sitting in the audience so I can’t imagine how much worse it was for Rachel under those stage lights. She started the show wearing a plaid shirt open over a tank because she said she hadn’t gotten the tank top tailored yet, but soon she had to take it off.. She definitely undersold how ill-fitting the shirt was, as she definitely almost fully popped out of it several times!
OMG I THINK I LIKE YOU
Ugh my FAVORITE. It was magical. It was especially funny to hear the bridge, just the best bridge ever, about the various forms of contraception including the IUD (“that can stop the image of YOU AND ME”) since she had just talked about a bad experience she had with the NuvaRing and said “Do you guys know what that is? Oh wait you do IUDs here don’t you?” to which the audience shouted “YES”. Rachel said “doesn’t that hurt??” and again, everyone shouted “YESSS”. HILARIOUS.
I’M A GOOD PERSON
I was – we were ALL – SO happy to hear this song start, since it is one of the classics out of this show (like 131 are all classics and amazing, btw). It was the explicit version – all of these were the explicit versions – and while generally the safe-for-TV versions are actually much better (see, e.g., “JAP Battle” and “I Give Good Parent”, two of my absolute faves), the differences with this song are few and they’re lateral moves, so it was no big deal. Where in the show Rebecca comes across the guy choking and says “Sorry, so busy!”, here Adam stopped playing and told Rachel that there was a girl in the audience who was terminally ill. He kept talking and Rachel kept saying ‘uh huh’ and it went on and on and was so Voldemort (TERRIBLE, but GREAT) and then she just resumed singing!
There was a girl in the front row who may have been even more overexcited than I was, because Rachel chose her for the audience participation line, saying she had a bit planned for that pause but just completely skipped it because that girl was so itching to shout ‘YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON!’ Well, she said great; she was very excited.
SEXY FRENCH DEPRESSION
One of the funniest moments when Rachel introduced this song. Earlier I said the list of past performers at the Palladium is wildly varied, and I hadn’t even mentioned the best one: Judy Garland. It seemed like Rachel and I were the only people who appreciated this, because she kept trying to talk about how amazing it was and the audience didn’t seem to react the way she expected, which she kept talking about. As she sat down on the lip of the stage, she said she expected everyone to erupt with recognition that “Judy sat on the lip of that stage just like that!” That would have already sealed this as my favorite intro bit, but then she asked the audience how England feels about France. The crowd erupted in a truly indecipherable way: I heard cheers, boos, everything. Rachel said “what you guys still aren’t over the 100 Years War?” Then, some man (of course it was a man) shouted ‘BREXIT!’ to which the entire audience booed, which was amazing. Rachel was kind of confused until someone explained we were all booing Brexit, not France or her for asking. A totally hysterical way to lead in a hysterical-but-remember-depression-isn’t-hysterical-or-sexy-as-Rachel-reminded-us song, “Sexy French Depression”. I only wish she did the original French lyrics in the back half; there’s nothing funnier than the rush of French with ‘John Wayne Gacy’ stuck in there (but I admit without subtitles it wouldn’t have worked). “Je suis garbage” is still the best line.
FRIENDTOPIA
OH MY BIGGEST REGRET IN LIFE. Ugh I am still heartbroken about this. Without Gabrielle Ruiz and Vella Lovell to join Rachel for this song, she asked the audience for volunteers, two people who REALLY know the song, like every word, who could step in and do the respective parts. I SHOULD HAVE JUMPED UP, but I second guessed how well I knew a few of the lyrics so I stayed seated. Then as soon as the two girls got onstage, they were given lyric sheets!! I could have checked the one I was unsure about (Heather is the one who says ‘take control of the banks’) and then HAD MY LIFE MADE. Oh well, the two volunteers did such a great job being so brave. Kat came onstage to teach them some super quick choreography, which Rachel said was how all her choreography was taught. It also was a great opportunity for Rachel to continue doing terrible accents and talking about the British accent, which she did A LOT. ZIGAZOW!
WE TAPPED THAT ASS ALL OVER THIS HOUSE
In this ridiculous number, Rachel and Kat did the tap dancing of Josh and Greg – but Adam and another musician did the singing. It was funny, and a nice way to show off Kat, but the multiple performer thing made it feel a little off, keeping the hilarious lyrics more in the background. Still so fun though.
IT WAS A SHITSHOW
Rachel sang Greg’s most heartbreaking song, making an already emotional song even more moving. She also shared that, like the situation the song is about, writing the song was a shitshow too because ‘the actor decided to leave us, which was a surprise!’ It was some REAL shade, and it made me uncomfortable (and a lot of the audience since a majority of every crowd (in any place or gathering) is a Santino fan). There’s so much about that situation that is the real life version of the gif of Chrissy Tiegen at the Golden Globes making cringe-face, and I honestly would rather not know!
This song featured one of the most prominent examples of some extra-annoying audience members who kept preempting some songs’ big moments. Here, famously, Greg runs off before singing the final ‘shitshow’ – Rachel and Adam actually explained that there is no final ‘shitshow’ because Standards & Practices would only let them say it twice, but it actually helps with the emotional heft to leave it hanging. But before letting us find out whether Rachel would sing it or not, the audience member/s shouted it out themselves. Rachel made fun of it and we all laughed, but I think she was really annoyed about it. It’s one thing to sing along because we all love it; it’s another to literally make it all about you.
WHAT’LL IT BE
In a really lovely twist, they had Adam sing this, one of my favorite Greg songs, with Rachel introducing it as the song that most impressed her from Adam, that the first draft he sent was literally perfect. Adam introduced it by explaining that it’s inspired, as we know, by a singer named William Joel, “who is a Jewish man but pretends to be Italian.” As someone who is both Jewish and Italian AND whose very first concert was Billy Joel (that’s true), I CACKLED. Adam sang the lyric as “to serve Deb a Grey Goose” instead of “to serve Deb a vodka and cranberry juice”, and he paused the song to explain that Grey Goose was the original lyric, but the lawyers made them change it for the show! Free from the constraints of TV, it’s back to its original form, but I actually prefer the way “vodka and cranberry juice” affects the meter.
MATH OF LOVE TRIANGLES
The final song before the interval break was the one that almost gave me the big heart attack. Rachel said she needed the help of two special guests for this one, and out came PETE and SCOTT and I JUMPED up out of my seat and jumped up and down screaming like I have literally never done before. I was like a contestant pulled from the audience on The Price is Right, and in hindsight equally embarrassing as they all usually are.
But it doesn’t matter how embarrassing I acted because this was the best surprise, especially to use them in a song they originally had no part of. They even had the posterboard props of the different triangles. THE BEST!
During the interval, everyone got even more wasted, buying whole new bottles of wine and ensuring an even rowdier Act 2 crowd, if that was possible. The Palladium toilet situation is not great, and the line for the ladies snaked all the way through that long hallway and into the bar area. (That’s bad.) (Luckily, I know theatres (and talk about them in my regular reviews, ps) and got the seat next to the secret door to the ladies from the stalls – it actually says Gentlemen above the door but it leads to both. Anyway that’s enough about the toilets.)
ACT 2
FUCKTON OF CATS
With everyone wasted – which is something for fans of a show that uses alcoholism as an important plot point (but in the UK we just ignore that alcoholism is real) – they opened the second act with a song that I don’t love love like the others, but that is so good live, “Fuckton of Cats”, with Scott, Pete, and Kat acting as the cat chorus. Hilarious! This act actually featured a lot of the songs I don’t love love (of course still regular love, I love all of them) but that were vastly improved by a live performance. So interesting, like how “Santa Fe” was the best part of the Rent movie even though it’s like whatever in the original.
I LOVE MY DAUGHTER (BUT NOT IN A CREEPY WAY)
I am OBSESSED that Pete got to sing this live. Such a hilarious surprise and it was so wonderful live. I love that Pete really got to show off both his voice and his humor more than he usually gets to. God this song is so funny. I took a video of my favorite line (“I’m very careful where I tickle my daughter!”)
LET’S HAVE INTERCOURSE
Okay, it’s important to note that this audience was ROWDY for Scott Michael Foster. I said the screaming overall was louder than anything, but when he was onstage (or even when Rachel MENTIONED him) the audience screamed even louder, if possible, like how some infinities are larger than other infinities. This screaming level was the bigger infinity. So to have him sing THIS song for THIS audience, man alive was it awesome. Also I’m deaf now.
GETTING BI
I usually think this song is great, but it’s not one of my faves. Performed live?? it is SENSATIONAL. One of the best performances of the night because of Pete’s exuberance, the audience’s joy, and the fact that it was so fitting for Pride month. I love that as soon as Pete came out wearing a blazer the audience cheered because they knew what song was coming. I love that everyone knows this show inside and out like I do. We’re all so crazy.
I GO TO THE ZOO
Most fans are going to flip out, but this is another song that I don’t really listen to on repeat. It’s fine, it’s so funny, but like okay. But holy shit, live? This was INCREDIBLE. I really wish I had taped it but I was too busy rethinking all my previous opinions.
SPORTS ANALOGIES
Pete joined Scott to take over Josh’s part in this hilarious song. This one is when I feel like some of the male guards finally connected to the show, hearing about men’s relationships with their fathers. I loved that they added a new ending line for the European audience: after “’cause soccer’s just a bunch of foreigners running around” they THEN said something like “don’t call it football, that’s not f-ing football!” Loves it.
THE DARKNESS and A DIAGNOSIS
These two go so well together, it made each one extra poignant. Honestly, with how hot it was on that stage and how dry it was (so bad for the voice), this Rachel-centric section was a huge accomplishment. Those conditions for singers, especially at the end of a long show, are often debilitating. Although she mentioned how hoarse she felt, she sounded amazing.
FUCK ME RAY BRADBURY/STACY’S MOM
THIS was a surprise and I am LIVING FOR IT! I love that both Rachel and Adam showed off their early work. The former is the song that made Rachel famous, when she was making parody songs for Youtube. Aline Brosh McKenna saw this one and decided she wanted to make a musical TV show with this girl and the rest is our magical history. The latter, of course, is the famous Fountains of Wayne song from all our middle school lives. Adam wrote it; he was in FOW. So many young people in the audience didn’t know! He also was nominated for an Oscar for writing “That Thing You Do!” (the song in the movie, not the movie). The movie studio literally hired him to write a song that would be believable as taking over the world and making a band huge, and he did it. GENIUS.
ENCORE: YOU STUPID BITCH
I have to say, I’m the tiniest bit disappointed not to have seen the encore from the Radio City shows – Rachel doing “Heavy Boobs” wearing only pasties – for the sheer insanity of it, but there’s no way I’d give up hearing the true theme song of the show live. It was GLORIOUS…except the annoying audience member/s who kept preempting her continued it here, as you can see in the video. But Rachel made the most of it (I think she was really annoyed though). It was sad to have the night end, but to end it on this song was EVERYTHING.
So obviously this was the best ever and I hope that everyone going tonight has the time of their lives. Just don’t sing the words before she does.
