Gilmore Girls "A Year in the Life": “Winter” is Comingby Randi / November 30, 2016
Whereas “Winter” opened with the audio clip of all those famous quotes, “Spring” tiptoed in with a quiet cold open in the therapist’s office, where Emily and Lorelai sit in near silence. It felt very weird, and I kept anticipating the credit or ad break that never came to break the tension. The opening scene in general seemed just…off. The idea of Lorelai and Emily going to therapy together, teased at the end of “Winter”, seemed really promising, an exciting new way to explore their relationship, if a little too conveniently and transparently set up. But, with all the potential such a setting had, it was all squandered. I was bored, nothing happened, they had zero important exchanges, just Lorelaid asking what the time was. I felt cheated out of what should have been great!
And then the reason appeared on screen: “Spring. Written and directed by Daniel Palladino.” Dammit Daniel!
The scene continues with Lorelai asking again how much time is left and Emily barking at her. This was torturous. It was slow, unfunny, and painful, both in how slow and unfunny it was and because there was no love at all between Lorelai and Emily. And then Emily guilts her into returning the following week. This isn’t even reflective of their normally flawed relationship, when the vitriol obviously is shielding the vulnerabilities of two very stubborn but somehow lovable women. Instead, they seemed like annoyed strangers who got in a fender bender trying to settle the claim with a really bad attorney. Their therapist is played by Kerry Butler, who I adore from Broadway, but despite my adoration, she is so poorly cast. She has always played adorable ingénues and her adorableness was completely and utterly wasted as a stern boring character who does not sing.
Up to this point, a good 10 minutes in, it all felt so wrong and off the proper track, like when I pulled the bottom drawer of the dishwasher too far last night and couldn’t get it back in the groove. Despite how much better the next scene felt, with Stars Hollow having a bright and cheery international festival, that opener threw me off so much that I couldn’t really enjoy this next scene. And, sadly, it was a sign for the entire episode to come. This episode was even more askew than Season 7. At least Season 7 was mostly enjoyable.
It’s really a shame that Spring didn’t open on the pretty great festival, when it’s representative of what we love about the Hollow and this show – the comforting feel of the town and the camaraderie between the characters we know and (usually) like. Get us in the groove and all. Kirk and Taylor scamper about trying to manage the problems that arose, like how for a festival supposed to represent all 195 countries’ cuisines, only about 15 showed up. (It is the whitest town in New England and thereby the whitest town in the world; what did they expect?) They run around to each stand and instruct the befuddled cooks to start adding other countries to what they’re cooking, with no regard for how impossible or impractical that would be. Israel gets ordered to start cooking for Papua New Guinea. And “Italy! Add Slovenia, Tibet and the islands of Kiribati!” Now, listen, Kirk pronounced it as written, Kiribati. Phonetically. Yet it was not the focus of that moment, but kind of thrown away. Kirk was speaking quickly and we were already moving away from him as he finished this line, so I truly don’t think it was supposed to be a joke about how he was saying it wrong. It just happened to be one of the countries chosen for that joke, and he said it that way. So, we need to take a beat to talk about how often people told me I was saying it wrong when I said in that same way. For years I’ve tried really hard to remember that it’s Kiri-bas, Kiri-bas, not –bati, because I did not want to be shamed SHAMED ever again by mean old elitists with their education and what not. Well. Joke’s on all those people who thought I was dumb, because once I realized that Kirk’s pronunciation was not meant to be the joke, I realized that Kirk is the smartest person on this show and I’m going to take all my life advice from him. I’m never saying Kiribas again. I am reveling in this shit. Watch me revel. Watch me nay-nay.
I loved Rory and Luke arguing about how one of them had to stay and supervise Lorelai’s eating, since as we all know she cannot be trusted in such matters. Their relationship remains really cute, and so much sweeter than Rory’s and Christopher’s ever was. As for Lorelai’s babysitter, Gypsy will do, they all agree. Gypsy would be so happy! I adored Lorelai’s questioning what country the compost heap represented! Sure she was just so hungry that she was losing it, but that’s the kind of food I like so I was in there with her.
Rory decides to spend some time ‘in Korea’, which we know means Lane’s table…but does that mean we’re finally going to see Mrs. Kim??!! YES IT DOES! MRS. KIM! She quickly marches in a group of young Koreans, Von Trapp-style, members of her incredibly terrible new choir. They are painfully bad, but when Mrs. Kim shouts to one of them, “Sing out, Louise Peng!” it is all worth it. I love a good “Gypsy” reference! No not that Gypsy, the Sondheim one! This is where I’d put 3 dance dance emojis.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about Mr. Kim being shown. That’s right, MISTER Kim, Lane’s dad that we never ever saw or really heard about for the entire 7 seasons. He’s clearly included as a joke, as a nod to the millions of unnecessary ‘Where’s Lane’s Dad?’ questions that the creators and actors were asked over the years. But like, dumb.
We also get our first Jackson sighting of the revival! I used to adore Jackson, until season 7, when he faked his vasectomy and got Sookie pregnant again. I would have sent him to jail at best. He looks the same. Why isn’t he home taking care of his extra children, hmm? Ass.
Okay, I could have done without the pig roast front and center on our screen for so long, but it was shaky-okay to see Kirk realize that it doesn’t make any sense to have a pet pig that he loves and keep eating bacon. We all know the Palladinos have no regard for vegetarians let alone the importance of vegan beliefs (and the fact that we are saving the planet YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M RIGHTEOUS ABOUT IT) but aside from the visuals, this was a good connection for Kirk/possibly some viewers to make, finally. Shaky-okay like my piano teacher used to give me on my homework. I was sad that Luke didn’t seem to care but he is not the most sensitive person. And he’s not hot anymore so whatevs.
Although the festival was so nicely done that it almost brought us back to a nice even keel after the huge negative ditch the therapy scene dropped us down, we too quickly are dropped back down into that chasm by the horror that is SandeeSays. I do not need this bullshit. This tiny tween who is the CEO of an online magazine is trying to lure Rory into working for her, and the way she talks makes me nauseous. God who describes food as being good enough to make love to without getting punched in the face? Why didn’t anyone near her punch her in the face? I want to punch her in the face. She has plans to overtake the Huffington Post by next year? In what sense, of who pays their writers less? I hate everything about this girl, especially how haughty and insincere she is. She refuses to take no for an answer from Rory, instead promising to resume the condescending arrogance at a later date. Gah, please don’t make us watch more of her. I really have so much hatred boiling inside of me for her and I cannot control it. Is she next for Toilet Emoji’s cabinet or something?
Well another 3 minutes have passed, which means it’s time for Rory to hop another flight to London! Seriously she is better off buying her own airline with this level of frequent flying. Does her belly always hurt? My belly hurts when I fly. These are fun facts. Rory is at that same club with former teen queen Miss Shropshire again and Jesus HC she is a trillion times more annoying than she was before. Like, before it was mostly that she was a capital C Character but now her entire physicality and personality and every single thing about her is infuriating. They are really selling these new characters! I know we’re supposed to dislike her by this point but they don’t have to make it so unpleasant for us to watch. Rory clearly cannot stand her. Once Naomi stops talking about how Rory’s cheeks are white apples (couldn’t think of anything else to compare them too, okay), she suggests they drop the biography and write a children’s book instead. Her entire persona gives me such agita. If I had sciatica she would be agitating my sciatica. Just when we think we’re at the pinnacle of possible hatred for her, she mentions that she is voting for Brexit ‘just as a protest vote it’ll never happen.’ Throw her and SandeeSays in a sack, toss it in the river, walk away.
I’m sure she is saying it right but I don’t like how Rory says Conde Nast. But there’s no time to think about that, because when Rory is at lunch with Logan (who I actually like in this revival? what’s happening?), Mitchum Huntzberger walks over and plops himself at their table. Logan is unruffled, as the family owns this particular restaurant (cool story bro) but Rory becomes a ball of anxiety, worrying that Mitchum would suspect their affair. Logan doesn’t seem to care, and even if Mitch does figure it out he’s not going to call Lorelai (who Rory is STILL lying to about where she stays in London!). You know, Mitchum might be a dick but he’s not the worst character on this show by far. He’s not even the worst Huntzberger we’ve met. He’s like the 7th worst Huntzberger we’ve met! (That’s the best one.) Just as he offered Rory that sophomore year internship at the Stamford Eagle Gazette or whatever shit name that newspaper had, he now offers to call Conde Nast and book her a meeting that sticks. And just as Rory naively denied the internship because of her ‘pride’, only to ask for it later when she realizes that everyone relies on connections to get ahead in every business, so too does she now decline his nice offer, only to ask for it later on, through the conduit of Logan, which is not only naïve but also unprofessional. Just say yes to nice offers that help you in the business world Rory and you might avoid needing your ex-boyfriend to ask his dad for you because you were too dumb to accept in the first place. Dammit Rory.
Phew, nothing like a Stars Hollow town meeting to get my blood pressure down!! Or…or is it going to get worse. It is, isn’t it. Hey where is Miss Patty? Why has there been pitifully little of Miss Patty? (Speaking of, she looks like a completely different person!) But she was always the second in command to Taylor, sitting behind him on the dais. Now two total strangers are seated behind him. I don’t want new townies! I want Miss Patty and all our good old townies! What the heck. Taylor talks about how Stars Hollow will be putting on its first Gay Pride parade! That’s awesome! He says it coincides with Liza Minnelli’s birthday: “That’s Liza with a ‘Z’”, he jokes. I am loving the musical references! However, there’s a hitch in this giddyup, because apparently there are only three gay people in Stars Hollow. Um. Why can’t the straight citizens decide to march in the parade too in a show of solidarity? What the hell? They argue about borrowing ‘gays from Woodbury’ for the parade, and the citizens pointedly ask Taylor if there’s anyone else who could march, meaning him, trying to out him. It’s really actually infuriating that all these idiots refuse to march with Sam Pancake and act as allies while actively being the opposite of allies trying to out someone against his will. Damn the Palladinos really have no regard for vegans or gays. This whole scene feels like it would have been tired even back in 1997. Now it’s feels kind of offensive.
It doesn’t get better. Taylor’s next order of business after canceling the parade because of these horrible no good people who refuse to stand with pride is to question the guest list at the Dragonfly, because a) that’s his business totally and b) that’s not confidential or anything. He’s concerned because A-list movie stars are staying in Woodbury while they film a movie there, but the B-list supporting cast is staying at the Dragonfly, and that’s not good enough for him. Jesus FHC. They’re paying the same rate, aren’t they? I had such high hopes for this town meeting to revive this episode after the barefoot English brute and the 11-year-old CEO but noooo.
Aw Michel brought his own handweights to an inconsiderate jerk of a guest who was upset there wasn’t a gym at the Dragonfly. Michel is the best. Ohh but now Michel is bringing up the same idiotic issue as Taylor, with the B-listers staying at their Inn and not the A-listers. It’s a lot more tolerable from Michel, though, because he is so over the top that it somehow cancels out the ridiculousness of the argument and makes it just enjoyable. “Jennifer Lawrence is never going to stay here! What’s the point of living if we’re never going to bag Jennifer Lawrence?!” Decent question.
When we go back to Lorelai’s house, Luke’s on the phone with Liz and T.J. Are we going to see them? I hope so. T.J. shouting “I’m in escrow!” is probably in my top five favorite things in the history of television. I’m in es-ca-row! It seems that Liz accidentally joined a vegetable cult? This is dumb. Oh my god, I am calling right now that Sookie is somehow involved in this cult. All we’ve heard about her so far in two episodes is that a) she left to live in the woods and grow weird vegetables in weird settings, and b) she didn’t go to the festival because Jackson said she was examining some weird stuff that was growing at their house and wanted to see if it was edible. Sookie is so involved in this cult, isn’t she? Either way, this is a bad storyline.
Lorelai confides in Luke that she’s worried that Dragonfly isn’t enough for Michel and he will leave soon, and instead of recognizing that couples are supposed to be able to talk about their concerns and provide support for one another, Luke barks at her. He says she shouldn’t care what ‘a guy like Michel’ thinks, which troubles me in its phrasing, and that he ‘can talk to him’ (in a threatening manner) if she wants. Luke just completely shuts down her concerns, not in a good way by, for example, saying she has nothing to worry about because she’s a great boss and it’s a wonderful place to work, but in the worst way – saying she shouldn’t care if Michel leaves because, essentially, fuck him. It’s clear that Luke is subconsciously trying to stop Lorelai from worrying about there being enough in her own life, and he’s scared that she’s going to realize she wants more than what Luke can provide or is willing to give, but man, Luke has not improved one iota at communicating or understanding other people, let alone his partner. This scene makes me really dislike him, which I dislike. He is so frustrating, which when they were still will-they-or-won’t-they was kind of a test, and kind of acceptable. But now, they’re supposed to be building a lasting life together, and it’s actually just sad that they can’t talk.
Thank god for another Real Paul Anka dream to cut all that tension though! Why doesn’t doggie Paul Anka sleep in their bed?! Put the doggie in the bed! Doggie so cute! Lor talks to Rory in London and the pacing is just weird. This whole episode is so unpleasant! UGH and then we’re given another therapy session blarghhhhhhhhhh. They sit in silence, then they are suddenly laughing and singing for a minute, and then Emily brings up Lorelai leaving at 16 and pregnant only to run back to her parents when she needed money. Jason and the BLARGanauts. She’s really hashing up this again? Then Emily mentions ‘the letter’ that Lorelai once sent her that was so nasty, and Emily says she will never forgive her for that. But Lorelai denies ever writing it, and instead of trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who might have sent such a letter, Emily just keeps repeating ‘Well I say you did write it!’ This is infuriating. And also worthless. This is worthless fake storytelling. I hate how so much of this episode is written and directed just to make us feel impotent rage. You know in Black on Broadway when Lewis Black talks about how coach seats on airplanes were ‘designed by a guy with scoliosis who is really fucking pissed’ and wants everyone to be as miserable as he is? That is the airplane seat equivalent to how Daniel Palladino wants us to feel watching this episode. Is this strange mystery letter ever going to be mentioned again or was it just mentioned in this scene to make me very angry and then never get resolved?
Oh joyful joyful, another Naomi Shropshire scene. She yells and screams at Rory for not understanding her or having the right humo(u)r for dealing with her. If by ‘humor’ she means ‘prescription drugs’ then yes, a sober Rory is not properly equipped for dealing with this lunatic.
I love how Rory is kind of upset that Logan’s fiancée Odette (jfc is she a dancing swan) is coming to town so she has to leave. DOES SHE NOT REALIZE THAT SHE IS ALWAYS THE OTHER WOMAN?!
Ah finally, a familiar scene. We go with pretty much the entire town to the Black, White, and Read movie theatre, where Kirk is pretty amazingly done up as Tim Burton. I love it. He makes an announcement about how outside food is not allowed – and not only does every single person have a full meal with them, but Babette and Maury are grilling. It’s so funny. Kirk premieres his new short film for everyone. Remember when he showed his first film in Season 2, “A Film By Kirk”, the one that ended with him dancing? This new film is nothing like it. It’s about Petal, his pig, being hit by a car. WHAT THE HELL, DAN. This is not funny, or interesting. This is just awful. Meanwhile, while this horrible movie plays in the background, Luke’s cell phone rings. When they realize that the number calling is Emily’s, he just doesn’t answer it. Not only does he not answer, HE DOESN’T TURN THE RINGER OFF. It just rings and rings 13 times in a movie theatre. Guys. I loved Luke. Like love-loved, throughout seasons 1-5 and through most of 6-7, even when he was being a dick. But this episode’s Luke is so far beyond his worst from the main series that he’s pretty much ruined in my eyes. I think I hate Luke. Oh my god.
Luckily, the next scene cuts to the Dragonfly Inn, and we see a lovely sight that I’d been eagerly anticipating – the Gilmore Guys!!! When Lorelai walks into the dining room in that orange shirt, the two guys in the back on their phones are Kevin Porter and Demi Adejuyigbe, the hosts of the Gilmore Guys podcast! I love that they got to be on this, even though they seem to be absolutely sick and tired of this show. Such a cute cameo!
Guys I cannot with Rachael Ray. We get like a full five minutes of her overusing her hands while she talks and shortening words, and no Miss Patty? Not more Michel? Shit, give me more Taylor. This is unnecessary and unwanted. Chill with the celebrity guests trying to fill in for Sookie. Instead of filling the space with something enjoyable, they make it all the more noticeable that Sookie is missing.
Emily invites Luke, just Luke, to a dinner, but of course Lorelai tags along, not evil enough to send him to the wolf alone. It turns out Emily wanted to talk to him about a) having a will and b) Richard’s will. Richard left Luke a bunch of money for the sole purpose of using it to franchise his diner. I mean. This bullshit again. This whole episode is about rehashing old bullshit! More than ten years ago, Richard told Luke he should build his diner empire, and Luke didn’t want to. He still doesn’t want to. This is dumb. Oh and P.S., I know it’s a tv show, but why wasn’t there an executor of this will? Emily seemed almost surprised that Luke didn’t know he was bequeathed money in the will. Um maybe if you were doing this correctly and an executor was in charge, then Luke would have been informed of this bequeathment SEVEN MONTHS AGO. Man alive. I mean that’s a terrible time for me to use that phrase but man alive.
At the next oh so joyful therapy session, Emily cuts Lorelai apart for not being married to Luke because marriage is the only important relationship that means anything. Why doesn’t Lorelai remind her mother that she was married once, and it didn’t last, so her logic is flawed? This is such a waste of time. We have so little time. Why Daniel? I hate this. Therapy with Lorelai and Emily could have been AMAZING. Also Kerry Butler is so miscast and it’s making me angry. I do agree with Emily that the therapist is a dolt. I want to use the word dolt more.
Thank the lord for Paris. It’s Chilton Alumni Day, and Rory and Paris have been asked to speak to the current class about success (? really Rory) and other things. It’s contrived, but anything to see Headmaster Charleston and all the teachers who are still petrified of Paris. Seriously give Paris the MVP award from this year’s Superbowl for how much she single-handedly saves this episode. The jokes just based on her having donated $100K to Chilton are stellar! I loved when she comes out of the Headmaster’s bathroom and mentions “A lava stone counter! French, right?” “It was there before me, Paris!” “Oh I believe you….So, when was the last time someone…audited your books?” I LOVE HER. “Now I’m not in the habit of quoting Joseph Stalin. The man was a psychopath and his policy of forced collectivization killed millions of his own people. But I found one thing he said to be quite inspiring…” Of course the kids who went to her talk had to get counseling afterwards.
Rory’s talk to the Chilton students was so lame I was cringing. Oh my goodness. I love that it was supposed to be showing how great she would be as a professor but noooope. It reminded me of when the family in “Still Alice” went to see daughter Kristin Stewart’s play, and she was supposed to surprise them as this fantastic actress, but she isn’t in real life so it just felt awkward. Samesies.
Wait so Paris is the owner of the most successful fertility clinic in the western hemisphere, right? And owns a 5-story Manhattan home and gave $100K to her high school like for funsies. Meaning, she is unbelievably successful and rich aquafaba. But she carries an empty briefcase? I don’t get it. She wouldn’t need to fake feeling important because she actually is incredibly successful and important! I don’t buy it. And I don’t buy that she flips her shit when she sees Tristan (btw it wasn’t Tristan, it was a double). It’s been what 15 years? Come on. And did we need a whole scene with Paris and Rory freaking out on Francie?! I mean at least Francie lets us know that not only is Paris a doctor but she also qualified as a lawyer (um what) and a dental technician but come on none of this was necessary. This episode continues to be absolutely infuriating.
I love that Headmaster Charleston continues the tradition of adults in this universe thinking Rory is a gift from god, a genius beyond all geniuses, expressing gratitude to her for her existence. He says if she wants to teach at Chilton, they would find a place for her in any department she wants. Just come on!
I just love Paris and Doyle complaining about how big their NYC house is. Cool guys.
When Rory sat with Paris’s kids in the park, I really expected Jess to show up. I just had a feeling. But instead, she calls Logan, who answers at 2am London time with his fiancée in the bed. Oh these people. There’s more talk of Rory’s lucky outfit that she can’t find. MAYBE YOU CAN’T FIND IT BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR POSSESSIONS TO SIX DIFFERENT LOCATIONS YOU DOLT.
Dan Bucatinsky was well cast as a Conde Nast exec. I hope he doesn’t get shot in this. Rory is not a good interviewee. Did she not think they would ask what she was working on? And she stammered and said ‘well, I’m here…’ I liked that the execs continued the tradition of really bad journalism on this show. Rory was never able to think of a good story for any paper she was on (um remember the music downloading? what a winner) and now the writers can’t think of good stories for professionals to have. Lines?! Lines.
I think Lorelai’s ‘pop culture’ reference to Esa-Pekka Salonen marks this show’s jumping of the shark. I rolled my eyes so much. So much. That doesn’t even count as pop culture. That’s barely University Challenge.
I can’t even talk about Emily and her attorney Ida forcing Luke to look at franchise properties. Why on earth would this stranger Ida tell Luke to call Emily ‘Mom’? And Emily asks Luke if that’s the shirt he wears on business outings…when she just surprised him with this visit. I can’t stand her and I normally love her. Her evil was always clearly hiding a sense of love and care, and the meanness was at least sharp and humorous, but in this she just seems to be made of pure hate. It’s so different and wrong. She and Ida are so rude to the owner of the restaurant they visit it makes me sad. It all feels like the upside-down.
I’m wallowing in my hatred of this episode and then OH MY GOD I KNOW THAT VOICE! ZOOOOOUKS!!!!! My dearest Jason Mantzoukas! If I was surprised when Kevin and Demi were let on this show, words cannot even describe my shock at seeing Jason. I never in a million years expected to see him! Eee! Granted, his playing Naomi’s attorney who is informing Rory of the dissolution of their contract (please let that be the end of Naomi) is not nearly as good as the roles he repeatedly expressed his desire to play (the secret lover of both Rory and Lorelai, and, if he had his way, Emily, or in the alternative Al from Al’s Pancake World) would have been, but still, so nice to see! If you don’t know him, search the archives of Comedy Bang Bang podcast for the many he’s a guest on. Heynong man.
We all need a break from this episode, so we go to NYC with Lorelai and Rory so Rory can do research for this really, really terrible story on ‘lines’. Like it’s literally just people lining up for things, why? What’s the angle? Nope, this is not a story. But I really enjoy that Lorelai somehow keeps getting the thing everyone is waiting for serendipitously – first she gets the hot new cronut copy by going to the back door of the kitchen (I can smell the NYC alleyway from here), then she gets the new sneakers everyone is waiting for because her daughter sells them. No, not Rory, Mae Whitman (her???), her daughter from “Parenthood” (and also Ann Veal)!! Something in this episode finally felt right, because I loved that Lorelai would have such good luck in this way and make mobs of losers angry.
Poor Rory still doesn’t have an angle on this story. And it’s ridiculous that they are just walking around the city hoping to chance upon lines. One mob doesn’t even know what they are waiting for, and when the Girls investigate the front of the line, they find a few businessmen just eating their lunches on steps. One said man is Michael Ausiello, famous TV critic. Dude, like, he had a cameo in Season 5, why does he get another! It’s not fair! Put me in coach!
Rory comes back to their hotel and exclaims to Lorelai that, in the mere hours since she last saw her, she slept with a random guy dressed as a Wookie. Um. This was weird, guys. I know their relationship is BFFs but I still thought it was supes awks. I am grateful that this scene brought out the truth from Rory about her affair with Logan, though, and that it gave Lorelai the chance to tell her (yet again) that it’s wrong to cheat, and also that her affair with Logan is “way sluttier” than the one-night stand she just had. Excellent parenting, Lorelai, but it never seems to stick with this kid. What married guy is she going to sleep with next? Jackson? And she still hasn’t broken up with Paul. Awful.
I can’t talk about Rory’s visit to the HQ of SandeeSays without feeling actual pain in my chest. This shithead begged Rory to work with her, and when Rory finally goes to her, Sandee treats it like she’s the one doing Rory a favor by granting this interview. It’s infuriating. I’m glad her awfulness finally made Rory stand up for herself and sort-of tell this girl off. And I love that their phone call ended in the famous interlude music from the regular series, if only because I missed hearing it. The first music of the episode came at the last minute, cool. Guys I despise Sandee so much. She makes my skin crawl. And I hated Emily in this! and Luke! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Is Summer better? Please tell me Summer is better because this hurts! Broken heart emoji.
FASHION REPORT
Lorelai’s periwinkle flowered dress in the opening scene was so pretty! I didn’t love the short-sleeved cardigan she paired with it; it was too long for that dress. But still nice overall.
Rory’s tent tank and black pants that she wears to the festival is so wrong. Why isn’t she dressed more casually? They’re at a food festival! But also, that shape shirt doesn’t work for anyone, especially not with pants, even if you are Alexis.
Lorelai looks fantastic at the Friday Night Dinner she’s not wanted at. Beautiful!
I like that our two often strongest women, Paris and Emily, both wore pink suits (or suiting) in this episode. Emily had that super bright pink skirt suit that made me think of Hillz, and Paris had that baby pink really weird jacket at Chilton. I didn’t like the jacket but I do like pink.
Rory worried so much about not having her lucky outfit for her Conde Nast meeting, yet what she ended up wearing was nicht so good. It was like she thought, well, if I don’t have the perfect outfit, I might as well wear the dress I would wear to the State Faire to eat corn dogs in. Same for when she went to SandeeSays in that red belted dress. It just didn’t fit right or look appropriate. But this is all taking place in the Upside-Down so who cares!
The scene continues with Lorelai asking again how much time is left and Emily barking at her. This was torturous. It was slow, unfunny, and painful, both in how slow and unfunny it was and because there was no love at all between Lorelai and Emily. And then Emily guilts her into returning the following week. This isn’t even reflective of their normally flawed relationship, when the vitriol obviously is shielding the vulnerabilities of two very stubborn but somehow lovable women. Instead, they seemed like annoyed strangers who got in a fender bender trying to settle the claim with a really bad attorney. Their therapist is played by Kerry Butler, who I adore from Broadway, but despite my adoration, she is so poorly cast. She has always played adorable ingénues and her adorableness was completely and utterly wasted as a stern boring character who does not sing.
Up to this point, a good 10 minutes in, it all felt so wrong and off the proper track, like when I pulled the bottom drawer of the dishwasher too far last night and couldn’t get it back in the groove. Despite how much better the next scene felt, with Stars Hollow having a bright and cheery international festival, that opener threw me off so much that I couldn’t really enjoy this next scene. And, sadly, it was a sign for the entire episode to come. This episode was even more askew than Season 7. At least Season 7 was mostly enjoyable.
It’s really a shame that Spring didn’t open on the pretty great festival, when it’s representative of what we love about the Hollow and this show – the comforting feel of the town and the camaraderie between the characters we know and (usually) like. Get us in the groove and all. Kirk and Taylor scamper about trying to manage the problems that arose, like how for a festival supposed to represent all 195 countries’ cuisines, only about 15 showed up. (It is the whitest town in New England and thereby the whitest town in the world; what did they expect?) They run around to each stand and instruct the befuddled cooks to start adding other countries to what they’re cooking, with no regard for how impossible or impractical that would be. Israel gets ordered to start cooking for Papua New Guinea. And “Italy! Add Slovenia, Tibet and the islands of Kiribati!” Now, listen, Kirk pronounced it as written, Kiribati. Phonetically. Yet it was not the focus of that moment, but kind of thrown away. Kirk was speaking quickly and we were already moving away from him as he finished this line, so I truly don’t think it was supposed to be a joke about how he was saying it wrong. It just happened to be one of the countries chosen for that joke, and he said it that way. So, we need to take a beat to talk about how often people told me I was saying it wrong when I said in that same way. For years I’ve tried really hard to remember that it’s Kiri-bas, Kiri-bas, not –bati, because I did not want to be shamed SHAMED ever again by mean old elitists with their education and what not. Well. Joke’s on all those people who thought I was dumb, because once I realized that Kirk’s pronunciation was not meant to be the joke, I realized that Kirk is the smartest person on this show and I’m going to take all my life advice from him. I’m never saying Kiribas again. I am reveling in this shit. Watch me revel. Watch me nay-nay.
I loved Rory and Luke arguing about how one of them had to stay and supervise Lorelai’s eating, since as we all know she cannot be trusted in such matters. Their relationship remains really cute, and so much sweeter than Rory’s and Christopher’s ever was. As for Lorelai’s babysitter, Gypsy will do, they all agree. Gypsy would be so happy! I adored Lorelai’s questioning what country the compost heap represented! Sure she was just so hungry that she was losing it, but that’s the kind of food I like so I was in there with her.
Rory decides to spend some time ‘in Korea’, which we know means Lane’s table…but does that mean we’re finally going to see Mrs. Kim??!! YES IT DOES! MRS. KIM! She quickly marches in a group of young Koreans, Von Trapp-style, members of her incredibly terrible new choir. They are painfully bad, but when Mrs. Kim shouts to one of them, “Sing out, Louise Peng!” it is all worth it. I love a good “Gypsy” reference! No not that Gypsy, the Sondheim one! This is where I’d put 3 dance dance emojis.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about Mr. Kim being shown. That’s right, MISTER Kim, Lane’s dad that we never ever saw or really heard about for the entire 7 seasons. He’s clearly included as a joke, as a nod to the millions of unnecessary ‘Where’s Lane’s Dad?’ questions that the creators and actors were asked over the years. But like, dumb.
We also get our first Jackson sighting of the revival! I used to adore Jackson, until season 7, when he faked his vasectomy and got Sookie pregnant again. I would have sent him to jail at best. He looks the same. Why isn’t he home taking care of his extra children, hmm? Ass.
Okay, I could have done without the pig roast front and center on our screen for so long, but it was shaky-okay to see Kirk realize that it doesn’t make any sense to have a pet pig that he loves and keep eating bacon. We all know the Palladinos have no regard for vegetarians let alone the importance of vegan beliefs (and the fact that we are saving the planet YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M RIGHTEOUS ABOUT IT) but aside from the visuals, this was a good connection for Kirk/possibly some viewers to make, finally. Shaky-okay like my piano teacher used to give me on my homework. I was sad that Luke didn’t seem to care but he is not the most sensitive person. And he’s not hot anymore so whatevs.
Although the festival was so nicely done that it almost brought us back to a nice even keel after the huge negative ditch the therapy scene dropped us down, we too quickly are dropped back down into that chasm by the horror that is SandeeSays. I do not need this bullshit. This tiny tween who is the CEO of an online magazine is trying to lure Rory into working for her, and the way she talks makes me nauseous. God who describes food as being good enough to make love to without getting punched in the face? Why didn’t anyone near her punch her in the face? I want to punch her in the face. She has plans to overtake the Huffington Post by next year? In what sense, of who pays their writers less? I hate everything about this girl, especially how haughty and insincere she is. She refuses to take no for an answer from Rory, instead promising to resume the condescending arrogance at a later date. Gah, please don’t make us watch more of her. I really have so much hatred boiling inside of me for her and I cannot control it. Is she next for Toilet Emoji’s cabinet or something?
Well another 3 minutes have passed, which means it’s time for Rory to hop another flight to London! Seriously she is better off buying her own airline with this level of frequent flying. Does her belly always hurt? My belly hurts when I fly. These are fun facts. Rory is at that same club with former teen queen Miss Shropshire again and Jesus HC she is a trillion times more annoying than she was before. Like, before it was mostly that she was a capital C Character but now her entire physicality and personality and every single thing about her is infuriating. They are really selling these new characters! I know we’re supposed to dislike her by this point but they don’t have to make it so unpleasant for us to watch. Rory clearly cannot stand her. Once Naomi stops talking about how Rory’s cheeks are white apples (couldn’t think of anything else to compare them too, okay), she suggests they drop the biography and write a children’s book instead. Her entire persona gives me such agita. If I had sciatica she would be agitating my sciatica. Just when we think we’re at the pinnacle of possible hatred for her, she mentions that she is voting for Brexit ‘just as a protest vote it’ll never happen.’ Throw her and SandeeSays in a sack, toss it in the river, walk away.
I’m sure she is saying it right but I don’t like how Rory says Conde Nast. But there’s no time to think about that, because when Rory is at lunch with Logan (who I actually like in this revival? what’s happening?), Mitchum Huntzberger walks over and plops himself at their table. Logan is unruffled, as the family owns this particular restaurant (cool story bro) but Rory becomes a ball of anxiety, worrying that Mitchum would suspect their affair. Logan doesn’t seem to care, and even if Mitch does figure it out he’s not going to call Lorelai (who Rory is STILL lying to about where she stays in London!). You know, Mitchum might be a dick but he’s not the worst character on this show by far. He’s not even the worst Huntzberger we’ve met. He’s like the 7th worst Huntzberger we’ve met! (That’s the best one.) Just as he offered Rory that sophomore year internship at the Stamford Eagle Gazette or whatever shit name that newspaper had, he now offers to call Conde Nast and book her a meeting that sticks. And just as Rory naively denied the internship because of her ‘pride’, only to ask for it later when she realizes that everyone relies on connections to get ahead in every business, so too does she now decline his nice offer, only to ask for it later on, through the conduit of Logan, which is not only naïve but also unprofessional. Just say yes to nice offers that help you in the business world Rory and you might avoid needing your ex-boyfriend to ask his dad for you because you were too dumb to accept in the first place. Dammit Rory.
Phew, nothing like a Stars Hollow town meeting to get my blood pressure down!! Or…or is it going to get worse. It is, isn’t it. Hey where is Miss Patty? Why has there been pitifully little of Miss Patty? (Speaking of, she looks like a completely different person!) But she was always the second in command to Taylor, sitting behind him on the dais. Now two total strangers are seated behind him. I don’t want new townies! I want Miss Patty and all our good old townies! What the heck. Taylor talks about how Stars Hollow will be putting on its first Gay Pride parade! That’s awesome! He says it coincides with Liza Minnelli’s birthday: “That’s Liza with a ‘Z’”, he jokes. I am loving the musical references! However, there’s a hitch in this giddyup, because apparently there are only three gay people in Stars Hollow. Um. Why can’t the straight citizens decide to march in the parade too in a show of solidarity? What the hell? They argue about borrowing ‘gays from Woodbury’ for the parade, and the citizens pointedly ask Taylor if there’s anyone else who could march, meaning him, trying to out him. It’s really actually infuriating that all these idiots refuse to march with Sam Pancake and act as allies while actively being the opposite of allies trying to out someone against his will. Damn the Palladinos really have no regard for vegans or gays. This whole scene feels like it would have been tired even back in 1997. Now it’s feels kind of offensive.
It doesn’t get better. Taylor’s next order of business after canceling the parade because of these horrible no good people who refuse to stand with pride is to question the guest list at the Dragonfly, because a) that’s his business totally and b) that’s not confidential or anything. He’s concerned because A-list movie stars are staying in Woodbury while they film a movie there, but the B-list supporting cast is staying at the Dragonfly, and that’s not good enough for him. Jesus FHC. They’re paying the same rate, aren’t they? I had such high hopes for this town meeting to revive this episode after the barefoot English brute and the 11-year-old CEO but noooo.
Aw Michel brought his own handweights to an inconsiderate jerk of a guest who was upset there wasn’t a gym at the Dragonfly. Michel is the best. Ohh but now Michel is bringing up the same idiotic issue as Taylor, with the B-listers staying at their Inn and not the A-listers. It’s a lot more tolerable from Michel, though, because he is so over the top that it somehow cancels out the ridiculousness of the argument and makes it just enjoyable. “Jennifer Lawrence is never going to stay here! What’s the point of living if we’re never going to bag Jennifer Lawrence?!” Decent question.
When we go back to Lorelai’s house, Luke’s on the phone with Liz and T.J. Are we going to see them? I hope so. T.J. shouting “I’m in escrow!” is probably in my top five favorite things in the history of television. I’m in es-ca-row! It seems that Liz accidentally joined a vegetable cult? This is dumb. Oh my god, I am calling right now that Sookie is somehow involved in this cult. All we’ve heard about her so far in two episodes is that a) she left to live in the woods and grow weird vegetables in weird settings, and b) she didn’t go to the festival because Jackson said she was examining some weird stuff that was growing at their house and wanted to see if it was edible. Sookie is so involved in this cult, isn’t she? Either way, this is a bad storyline.
Lorelai confides in Luke that she’s worried that Dragonfly isn’t enough for Michel and he will leave soon, and instead of recognizing that couples are supposed to be able to talk about their concerns and provide support for one another, Luke barks at her. He says she shouldn’t care what ‘a guy like Michel’ thinks, which troubles me in its phrasing, and that he ‘can talk to him’ (in a threatening manner) if she wants. Luke just completely shuts down her concerns, not in a good way by, for example, saying she has nothing to worry about because she’s a great boss and it’s a wonderful place to work, but in the worst way – saying she shouldn’t care if Michel leaves because, essentially, fuck him. It’s clear that Luke is subconsciously trying to stop Lorelai from worrying about there being enough in her own life, and he’s scared that she’s going to realize she wants more than what Luke can provide or is willing to give, but man, Luke has not improved one iota at communicating or understanding other people, let alone his partner. This scene makes me really dislike him, which I dislike. He is so frustrating, which when they were still will-they-or-won’t-they was kind of a test, and kind of acceptable. But now, they’re supposed to be building a lasting life together, and it’s actually just sad that they can’t talk.
Thank god for another Real Paul Anka dream to cut all that tension though! Why doesn’t doggie Paul Anka sleep in their bed?! Put the doggie in the bed! Doggie so cute! Lor talks to Rory in London and the pacing is just weird. This whole episode is so unpleasant! UGH and then we’re given another therapy session blarghhhhhhhhhh. They sit in silence, then they are suddenly laughing and singing for a minute, and then Emily brings up Lorelai leaving at 16 and pregnant only to run back to her parents when she needed money. Jason and the BLARGanauts. She’s really hashing up this again? Then Emily mentions ‘the letter’ that Lorelai once sent her that was so nasty, and Emily says she will never forgive her for that. But Lorelai denies ever writing it, and instead of trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who might have sent such a letter, Emily just keeps repeating ‘Well I say you did write it!’ This is infuriating. And also worthless. This is worthless fake storytelling. I hate how so much of this episode is written and directed just to make us feel impotent rage. You know in Black on Broadway when Lewis Black talks about how coach seats on airplanes were ‘designed by a guy with scoliosis who is really fucking pissed’ and wants everyone to be as miserable as he is? That is the airplane seat equivalent to how Daniel Palladino wants us to feel watching this episode. Is this strange mystery letter ever going to be mentioned again or was it just mentioned in this scene to make me very angry and then never get resolved?
Oh joyful joyful, another Naomi Shropshire scene. She yells and screams at Rory for not understanding her or having the right humo(u)r for dealing with her. If by ‘humor’ she means ‘prescription drugs’ then yes, a sober Rory is not properly equipped for dealing with this lunatic.
I love how Rory is kind of upset that Logan’s fiancée Odette (jfc is she a dancing swan) is coming to town so she has to leave. DOES SHE NOT REALIZE THAT SHE IS ALWAYS THE OTHER WOMAN?!
Ah finally, a familiar scene. We go with pretty much the entire town to the Black, White, and Read movie theatre, where Kirk is pretty amazingly done up as Tim Burton. I love it. He makes an announcement about how outside food is not allowed – and not only does every single person have a full meal with them, but Babette and Maury are grilling. It’s so funny. Kirk premieres his new short film for everyone. Remember when he showed his first film in Season 2, “A Film By Kirk”, the one that ended with him dancing? This new film is nothing like it. It’s about Petal, his pig, being hit by a car. WHAT THE HELL, DAN. This is not funny, or interesting. This is just awful. Meanwhile, while this horrible movie plays in the background, Luke’s cell phone rings. When they realize that the number calling is Emily’s, he just doesn’t answer it. Not only does he not answer, HE DOESN’T TURN THE RINGER OFF. It just rings and rings 13 times in a movie theatre. Guys. I loved Luke. Like love-loved, throughout seasons 1-5 and through most of 6-7, even when he was being a dick. But this episode’s Luke is so far beyond his worst from the main series that he’s pretty much ruined in my eyes. I think I hate Luke. Oh my god.
Luckily, the next scene cuts to the Dragonfly Inn, and we see a lovely sight that I’d been eagerly anticipating – the Gilmore Guys!!! When Lorelai walks into the dining room in that orange shirt, the two guys in the back on their phones are Kevin Porter and Demi Adejuyigbe, the hosts of the Gilmore Guys podcast! I love that they got to be on this, even though they seem to be absolutely sick and tired of this show. Such a cute cameo!
Guys I cannot with Rachael Ray. We get like a full five minutes of her overusing her hands while she talks and shortening words, and no Miss Patty? Not more Michel? Shit, give me more Taylor. This is unnecessary and unwanted. Chill with the celebrity guests trying to fill in for Sookie. Instead of filling the space with something enjoyable, they make it all the more noticeable that Sookie is missing.
Emily invites Luke, just Luke, to a dinner, but of course Lorelai tags along, not evil enough to send him to the wolf alone. It turns out Emily wanted to talk to him about a) having a will and b) Richard’s will. Richard left Luke a bunch of money for the sole purpose of using it to franchise his diner. I mean. This bullshit again. This whole episode is about rehashing old bullshit! More than ten years ago, Richard told Luke he should build his diner empire, and Luke didn’t want to. He still doesn’t want to. This is dumb. Oh and P.S., I know it’s a tv show, but why wasn’t there an executor of this will? Emily seemed almost surprised that Luke didn’t know he was bequeathed money in the will. Um maybe if you were doing this correctly and an executor was in charge, then Luke would have been informed of this bequeathment SEVEN MONTHS AGO. Man alive. I mean that’s a terrible time for me to use that phrase but man alive.
At the next oh so joyful therapy session, Emily cuts Lorelai apart for not being married to Luke because marriage is the only important relationship that means anything. Why doesn’t Lorelai remind her mother that she was married once, and it didn’t last, so her logic is flawed? This is such a waste of time. We have so little time. Why Daniel? I hate this. Therapy with Lorelai and Emily could have been AMAZING. Also Kerry Butler is so miscast and it’s making me angry. I do agree with Emily that the therapist is a dolt. I want to use the word dolt more.
Thank the lord for Paris. It’s Chilton Alumni Day, and Rory and Paris have been asked to speak to the current class about success (? really Rory) and other things. It’s contrived, but anything to see Headmaster Charleston and all the teachers who are still petrified of Paris. Seriously give Paris the MVP award from this year’s Superbowl for how much she single-handedly saves this episode. The jokes just based on her having donated $100K to Chilton are stellar! I loved when she comes out of the Headmaster’s bathroom and mentions “A lava stone counter! French, right?” “It was there before me, Paris!” “Oh I believe you….So, when was the last time someone…audited your books?” I LOVE HER. “Now I’m not in the habit of quoting Joseph Stalin. The man was a psychopath and his policy of forced collectivization killed millions of his own people. But I found one thing he said to be quite inspiring…” Of course the kids who went to her talk had to get counseling afterwards.
Rory’s talk to the Chilton students was so lame I was cringing. Oh my goodness. I love that it was supposed to be showing how great she would be as a professor but noooope. It reminded me of when the family in “Still Alice” went to see daughter Kristin Stewart’s play, and she was supposed to surprise them as this fantastic actress, but she isn’t in real life so it just felt awkward. Samesies.
Wait so Paris is the owner of the most successful fertility clinic in the western hemisphere, right? And owns a 5-story Manhattan home and gave $100K to her high school like for funsies. Meaning, she is unbelievably successful and rich aquafaba. But she carries an empty briefcase? I don’t get it. She wouldn’t need to fake feeling important because she actually is incredibly successful and important! I don’t buy it. And I don’t buy that she flips her shit when she sees Tristan (btw it wasn’t Tristan, it was a double). It’s been what 15 years? Come on. And did we need a whole scene with Paris and Rory freaking out on Francie?! I mean at least Francie lets us know that not only is Paris a doctor but she also qualified as a lawyer (um what) and a dental technician but come on none of this was necessary. This episode continues to be absolutely infuriating.
I love that Headmaster Charleston continues the tradition of adults in this universe thinking Rory is a gift from god, a genius beyond all geniuses, expressing gratitude to her for her existence. He says if she wants to teach at Chilton, they would find a place for her in any department she wants. Just come on!
I just love Paris and Doyle complaining about how big their NYC house is. Cool guys.
When Rory sat with Paris’s kids in the park, I really expected Jess to show up. I just had a feeling. But instead, she calls Logan, who answers at 2am London time with his fiancée in the bed. Oh these people. There’s more talk of Rory’s lucky outfit that she can’t find. MAYBE YOU CAN’T FIND IT BECAUSE YOU SENT YOUR POSSESSIONS TO SIX DIFFERENT LOCATIONS YOU DOLT.
Dan Bucatinsky was well cast as a Conde Nast exec. I hope he doesn’t get shot in this. Rory is not a good interviewee. Did she not think they would ask what she was working on? And she stammered and said ‘well, I’m here…’ I liked that the execs continued the tradition of really bad journalism on this show. Rory was never able to think of a good story for any paper she was on (um remember the music downloading? what a winner) and now the writers can’t think of good stories for professionals to have. Lines?! Lines.
I think Lorelai’s ‘pop culture’ reference to Esa-Pekka Salonen marks this show’s jumping of the shark. I rolled my eyes so much. So much. That doesn’t even count as pop culture. That’s barely University Challenge.
I can’t even talk about Emily and her attorney Ida forcing Luke to look at franchise properties. Why on earth would this stranger Ida tell Luke to call Emily ‘Mom’? And Emily asks Luke if that’s the shirt he wears on business outings…when she just surprised him with this visit. I can’t stand her and I normally love her. Her evil was always clearly hiding a sense of love and care, and the meanness was at least sharp and humorous, but in this she just seems to be made of pure hate. It’s so different and wrong. She and Ida are so rude to the owner of the restaurant they visit it makes me sad. It all feels like the upside-down.
I’m wallowing in my hatred of this episode and then OH MY GOD I KNOW THAT VOICE! ZOOOOOUKS!!!!! My dearest Jason Mantzoukas! If I was surprised when Kevin and Demi were let on this show, words cannot even describe my shock at seeing Jason. I never in a million years expected to see him! Eee! Granted, his playing Naomi’s attorney who is informing Rory of the dissolution of their contract (please let that be the end of Naomi) is not nearly as good as the roles he repeatedly expressed his desire to play (the secret lover of both Rory and Lorelai, and, if he had his way, Emily, or in the alternative Al from Al’s Pancake World) would have been, but still, so nice to see! If you don’t know him, search the archives of Comedy Bang Bang podcast for the many he’s a guest on. Heynong man.
We all need a break from this episode, so we go to NYC with Lorelai and Rory so Rory can do research for this really, really terrible story on ‘lines’. Like it’s literally just people lining up for things, why? What’s the angle? Nope, this is not a story. But I really enjoy that Lorelai somehow keeps getting the thing everyone is waiting for serendipitously – first she gets the hot new cronut copy by going to the back door of the kitchen (I can smell the NYC alleyway from here), then she gets the new sneakers everyone is waiting for because her daughter sells them. No, not Rory, Mae Whitman (her???), her daughter from “Parenthood” (and also Ann Veal)!! Something in this episode finally felt right, because I loved that Lorelai would have such good luck in this way and make mobs of losers angry.
Poor Rory still doesn’t have an angle on this story. And it’s ridiculous that they are just walking around the city hoping to chance upon lines. One mob doesn’t even know what they are waiting for, and when the Girls investigate the front of the line, they find a few businessmen just eating their lunches on steps. One said man is Michael Ausiello, famous TV critic. Dude, like, he had a cameo in Season 5, why does he get another! It’s not fair! Put me in coach!
Rory comes back to their hotel and exclaims to Lorelai that, in the mere hours since she last saw her, she slept with a random guy dressed as a Wookie. Um. This was weird, guys. I know their relationship is BFFs but I still thought it was supes awks. I am grateful that this scene brought out the truth from Rory about her affair with Logan, though, and that it gave Lorelai the chance to tell her (yet again) that it’s wrong to cheat, and also that her affair with Logan is “way sluttier” than the one-night stand she just had. Excellent parenting, Lorelai, but it never seems to stick with this kid. What married guy is she going to sleep with next? Jackson? And she still hasn’t broken up with Paul. Awful.
I can’t talk about Rory’s visit to the HQ of SandeeSays without feeling actual pain in my chest. This shithead begged Rory to work with her, and when Rory finally goes to her, Sandee treats it like she’s the one doing Rory a favor by granting this interview. It’s infuriating. I’m glad her awfulness finally made Rory stand up for herself and sort-of tell this girl off. And I love that their phone call ended in the famous interlude music from the regular series, if only because I missed hearing it. The first music of the episode came at the last minute, cool. Guys I despise Sandee so much. She makes my skin crawl. And I hated Emily in this! and Luke! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Is Summer better? Please tell me Summer is better because this hurts! Broken heart emoji.
FASHION REPORT
Lorelai’s periwinkle flowered dress in the opening scene was so pretty! I didn’t love the short-sleeved cardigan she paired with it; it was too long for that dress. But still nice overall.
Rory’s tent tank and black pants that she wears to the festival is so wrong. Why isn’t she dressed more casually? They’re at a food festival! But also, that shape shirt doesn’t work for anyone, especially not with pants, even if you are Alexis.
Lorelai looks fantastic at the Friday Night Dinner she’s not wanted at. Beautiful!
I like that our two often strongest women, Paris and Emily, both wore pink suits (or suiting) in this episode. Emily had that super bright pink skirt suit that made me think of Hillz, and Paris had that baby pink really weird jacket at Chilton. I didn’t like the jacket but I do like pink.
Rory worried so much about not having her lucky outfit for her Conde Nast meeting, yet what she ended up wearing was nicht so good. It was like she thought, well, if I don’t have the perfect outfit, I might as well wear the dress I would wear to the State Faire to eat corn dogs in. Same for when she went to SandeeSays in that red belted dress. It just didn’t fit right or look appropriate. But this is all taking place in the Upside-Down so who cares!
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“Hairspray Live!” on NBC: Where Is Jessie Spano With Her Caffeine Pills When You Need Her?
“Hairspray” is one of the best musicals, it really is. It’s a perfect first musical for newbies, it’s a perfectly written musical for musical lovers. Everyone can identify with it, unless they are white supremacists, and then they shouldn’t get to enjoy musical theatre anyway. I was lucky enough to see “Hairspray” on Broadway with a lot of the original cast but with Michael McKean taking over for Harvey Fierstein as Edna. And the 2007 movie is spectacular. The cast premiered numbers from it back at ShoWest (now CinemaCon) in 2007, which I went to. It was all these old white people at the convention and then me fangirling like a crazy person, jumping up and down at the foot of the stage while Harvey Weinstein was like, you need to calm down. (And then I got a picture with Nikki Blonsky who yes may be troubled but she is a f-ing amazing talent.) The movie is so good that even John Travolta’s performance, which at first I didn’t like, is now my favorite. After seeing it 100 times it really grows on you. Suffice it to say, “Hairspray Live!” had big shoes to fill for me. It didn’t, but it’s such a great show that even a lackluster production of it is still an enjoyable few hours.
I actually felt a rush of joy at those familiar opening notes started. “Good Morning Baltimore” is one of the very best opening numbers in musical theatre. It is sheer bliss, catchy and happy while effectively introducing the main character and setting. Tracy Turnblad is usually instantly lovable and you are immediately on her side for whatever is going to come. It’s hard to mess up such a perfect opener. I won’t go so far as to say that they messed it up here, but the energy just seemed low, especially considering how, for a live TV production, the energy (slash nerves) should make it pop even more. See, e.g., the opener of ‘Grease: Live!’ and how everyone was almost jumping out of their skin excited. Maddie Baillio’s energy here was super low, with not enough cheer and pizzazz, but I’m giving her a 10 minute pass for how nervous she much be performing on live television. There are a few issues with her mic cutting out but that’s obviously not on her. As we’ll see throughout the show, they are having serious sound issues that are really unacceptable for such a major network.
The direction in the opening scene seems a little sloppy. The Flasher (who lives next door) and the Bum (on his barroom stool) got just over the right amount of time, a matter of seconds, yes, but it adds up and shows a loose hand. Why didn’t they have Tommy Kail direct this? I still don’t know how he managed to do ‘Grease: Live!’ (always with the exclamation point!) flawlessly, but he did, and now we have higher standards for these live productions that this just isn’t meeting.
It stinks that have to do the ‘morning’ routine in the dark – is it dark in L.A. at 5pm now? – but I can pretend that mornings in Baltimore are like mornings in London where it’s dark until 8am. Also high school in the U.S. starts offensively early. Good thing that will end soon because public school will be no more!
The direction in the opening scene seems a little sloppy. The Flasher (who lives next door) and the Bum (on his barroom stool) got just over the right amount of time, a matter of seconds, yes, but it adds up and shows a loose hand. Why didn’t they have Tommy Kail direct this? I still don’t know how he managed to do ‘Grease: Live!’ (always with the exclamation point!) flawlessly, but he did, and now we have higher standards for these live productions that this just isn’t meeting.
It stinks that have to do the ‘morning’ routine in the dark – is it dark in L.A. at 5pm now? – but I can pretend that mornings in Baltimore are like mornings in London where it’s dark until 8am. Also high school in the U.S. starts offensively early. Good thing that will end soon because public school will be no more!
Tracy rushes out of school with her best friend Penny Pingleton, played by Ariana Grande. I have really high expectations for her, this big time recording artist/professional baby who I first saw before she was famous in the musical ‘13’ on Broadway. It would be pretty amazing for theatre if she got back into it, if she can hack it. Tracy and Penny rush to Tracy’s house to watch the Corny Collins Show, the local live dance show that cities used to have in the good old days, like American Bandstand in Philly and Buddy Deane in Baltimore. As they rush home, we meet Tracy and Penny’s moms – and I have to say, I did not do my research because I was SHOCKED to see Andrea Martin, one of the bests ever, as Mrs. Pingleton! Alison Janney was beyond superb in the movie – and if I recall correctly, I saw another best Jackie Hoffman in the role on Broadway! – but Andrea is a wonderful choice. Considering how excited I got over her, it’s a really good thing for my heart that I knew Harvey Fierstein was reprising his role as Edna Turnblad, otherwise when he dropped that sheet and was revealed I probably would have passed out! This is HUGE, people! Harvey originated the role in the musical version, after Divine in the original John Waters movie. (It’s because of Divine that Edna is always played by a man but that has nothing to do with the story.) Harvey is the greatest! This is such a treat for the world to see, his performance saved for all posterity.
We watch the Corny Collins Show with the girls as Mrs. Pingleton admonishes them for watching such ‘colored’ garbage (p.s. Hairspray is about racism!) to which Edna replies (in that epically deep torn up voice) “The TV is black and white”. Derek Hough, as Corny, has really big shoes to fill in my heart because James Marsden, in the 2007 movie, was perfection on top of amazingess as Corny. But the new ‘Every Live TV Musical Must Include a Hough Sibling’ rule paid off because they are really talented. We meet the “Nicest Kids in Town”, and I must say, Amber, played by Dove Cameron, is the whitest, blondest Aryan I’ve ever seen so so far she is very well cast as Amber. Link, I’m not so sure about yet, but let’s see how he does when it’s not in a group number. (They could have just gotten Zac Efron again; he was perfect, and he still looks like a child.)
But no casting can compare to the most incredible, perfect, why-has-this-never-happened-before casting of Kristin Chenoweth as the head of the TV station and Amber’s mother, Velma Von Tussle. When the girl dancer announces her ‘9-month leave of absence’, leaving the opening for the new cast member that Tracy auditions for, Kristin fell to her knees in front of the camera. Amazing!
I’m obsessed with all interaction between Edna and Wilbur, her husband and Tracy’s father, played by Martin Short. I love how Wilbur is always played by skinny nebbishy men. Christopher Walken was so good in the movie (so random, but he was great. And nebbishy) but Martin Short is ideal. So cute. And now every time I see him, I hear John Mulaney in “Oh, Hello” saying “But why are you so…Jewish?”
Unexpectedly, the scene turns into a 3-way split screen between Amber and Velma, Tracy and Edna, and Penny and Prudy, all three girls arguing with their mothers, and they all sing “Mama I’m a Big Girl Now”. Unexpected, because this was the end credits song in the movie, which I know better than any other version, and I don’t remember it from the stage version. According to internet, it was in it, and in the same slot, but it doesn’t make sense to me, for Penny, at least. And for Amber! Amber and Velma are always in cahoots about all their devilish doings, so it seems odd for them to be arguing about anything. But I guess Amber’s only position is that she likes boys. But it makes less sense to me for Penny’s arc, because at least in my memory she is always shy and afraid to stand up to her mother/anyone until she meets Seaweed and gains confidence from him. Her turnaround towards the end is her big character development, so it’s weird to have her fight back a little at the beginning. Regardless, so far the MVP of all the yoots is Dove Cameron as Amber. I have no idea who she is, and Amber always seemed a thankless role to me, but she is hilarious! When Corny said the contest would be on x date, Amber squealed – on live TV – ‘my birthday!!!’ I was not expecting her to be funny at all. A funny Amber is going to be fun! She also has a lovely, clear voice, whereas I’m not sold yet on Maddie. And Ariana Grande seems to be preoccupied with making her trademark affected riffs instead of actually hitting notes and projecting, which is disappointing.
Next up is “I Can Hear the Bells”, which occurs at the TV station before Tracy’s audition, when she bumps into Link Larkin, who is kind of dull. Oh god remember when Matthew Morrison played Link?! THOSE. WERE. THE. DAYS. Maddie sounds very pretty here but it’s kind of just fine. I know Nikki Blonsky was g-d perfection as Tracy in the 2007 movie. And I know there’s a lot of leeway to be given when comparing live singing to recorded, able-to-be-polished singing, but I’m also comparing it to other live singing (like Marissa Jaret Winokur on stage).
No time for me to reminisce about how good the movie was, because it’s time for Cheno to shine…or try to, because “Miss Baltimore Crabs” is literally the worst song ever. It’s just terrible. But Cheno is so good and SO funny that this was by far the best it’s ever been performed. It is such a cruel scene, with Velma and all the girls making fun of Tracy for wanting to audition, and for being fat, but it’s effective to show how terrible the Von Tussles are and to show how Tracy’s views on race contradict those of the white people around her, priming her to become an ally in the struggle for integration later on in the show. I never noticed Velma’s ‘separate but equal’ line in the Crabs song, which was spot on for showing how she/20% of America thinks. Regardless of how bad the song is, Cheno was so good and all hatred for the number was washed away when she ended by making crab claws on top of her head. So ridiculous, so great! I love how much fun she seems to be having and how much fun she can make of herself with glee. Cheno needs to be in every live musical.
After the commercial break we open on Tracy using a lot of hairspray in the school hallway, and the gym teacher yells at her and it’s Rosie O’Donnell! I love Rosie so much! She is proof that just loving musicals so much can get you into them! I am glad that she is finding some happiness now that her arch nemesis is going to be president.
Rosie sends Tracy to detention – where she meets Seaweed and all the black kids. Yasss this is where the show really starts, because Seaweed is always the best. The movie introduced us to the insanely talented Elijah Kelly as Seaweed. Here, I already know how good this Seaweed is, because it’s Ephraim Sykes!! I’ve seen him kick ass on Broadway in Memphis, Newsies, and last year as the most villainous George Eacker in Hamilton. (He’s on your cast album saying “Piss off I’m watching this show now.”) He does not disappoint in his first scene, where he teaches Tracy some boundary-pushing dance moves, the ones that she will do at the school dance in the next scene, where they’ll get her on the Corny Collins show. At the dance, Corny sings “Ladies Choice”, a great song that was written for the 2007 movie – for Link to perform, where he first takes serious notice of Tracy. Why they have Derek Hough singing it when he’s not really a singer, and it was written as a Link song, I do not understand. Until the next scene, when Link sings “It Takes Two” and, well, he’s not much of a singer either. Or he’s just not having a good day. Disappointment. There are how many talented young guys around who could have played these roles?
Luckily, we get “Velma’s Revenge” next, a tiny reprise from the tiny Cheno that is so much better than “Miss Baltimore Crabs”. She is out of this world, and so obviously in a class of her own so far. This reprise is not in the movie, so I forgot that there’s a line about how she can’t be a bigot because she likes Sammy Davis Jr, and he’s black and a Jew! Amazing.
The behind the scenes pre-commercial break stuff from Darren Criss is just bad. It pulls the audience out of the magical world that the show is supposed to create, much more so than the actual commercials do. Isn’t he supposed to be performing as Hedwig somewhere? I really don’t like how a musical number will end and then go right to him saying “Wow that was good!” No that’s my job, Darren. The cuts to the NBC affiliates in various cities were cringeworthy. How do these people get jobs in front of a camera?! No! Too awkward. Seriously between this and the people they put on TV in the UK I’m just like WHO is making decisions in this world? The cut to Philadelphia’s live show at the Kimmel Center was the only one that was worth having. The host Keith Jones was not screaming like a banshee like the Houston and Atlanta ones but instead seemed professional. And the guests he showed weren’t crazy old bats who were talking about their wigs but like freaking Bobby Rydell and the original Seaweed from the 1988 movie. Philly showed up the others so hard it’s almost not fair.
Next up is one of my favorite numbers, usually. “Welcome to the ‘60s” gets Edna out of the house for the first time in years and made over by Mr Pinkie, owner of the plus size clothing store, who wants Tracy as his new spokesgirl. Sean Hayes as Mr Pinkie is a fabulous surprise, anything to get him involved! But the direction is a little too stilted and stationary for me. It was good but I wanted just a little more. And the lingering shot showing Marissa Jaret Winokur and Ricki Lake – two of the three main former Tracys – was another sloppy directing choice, since they were shown plenty after that moment. It felt unnecessary. No need to linger, especially if you’re not going to let Marissa sing and show everyone how it’s done.
Speaking of unnecessary, this dodgeball scene is ridiculously dumb, but at least it leads into my favorite thing ever – “Run & Tell That”, Seaweed’s time to shine. Ephraim seems about half a beat slower than the music, which I imagine must be a sound problem with what they’re piping into his earpiece. His dancing is amazing, but it’s so upsetting that something is stopping him from being perfect. I think they are having a lot of sound tech issues considering how many mics seemed to drop off so far in the show. Ephraim has such presence though so it’s pretty great. And Ariana’s Penny finally seems to come alive when she’s flirting with him. This extended dance break in “Run & Tell That” should be exciting but having it slowed down and in the dark was a bad choice. Little Inez, though not so little (so tall!), is beyond fabulous, as it should be. Shahadi Wright Joseph sounds amazing. Ephraim’s jump off the table into a split was epic and totally saved the world.
Seeing Ricki Lake and Marissa backstage for the little commercial break just made me sad. Like, Marissa is RIGHT THERE, just sitting around. Put her in for the rest of the show! Maddie is obviously very talented but she needs a Red Bull or something to give her more zazz. She’s lacking a star quality or at least a bouncy energy that Tracy really needs! Marissa has that bouncy Tracy energy just in her big smile as she’s sitting down.
FINALLY, J-Hud is here to BRING DOWN THE HOUSE. Queen Latifah’s Oscar-worthy performance from the movie was seriously perfection, as she usually is, but despite J-Hud being only 4 years older than her supposed son Ephraim, she was great as Motormouth Maybelle. Her stint on Broadway really helped her acting since that time she was in the Sex & the City movie. The book scene up to Jennifer Hudson’s big song ‘Big Blonde and Beautiful’ was the funniest part of the whole show, with Harvey’s Edna and Cheno’s Velma facing off at Maybelle’s record store and platter party. Velma is horrified at being near so many ‘minorities’ and then even more horrified to spy what spawned Tracy. Edna of course will not have that kind of talk about her daughter, and probably has the best line ever when she turns to face off against Velma and says to Tracy in that super gravelly voice, “Hold mommy’s waffles.” It’s too bad Vine is gone because I would need a Vine of that. The banter is fabulous, and when Martin Short’s Wilbur joins the party, we get my favorite line of the show from one of Seaweed’s friends: “If we get any more white people in here, it’ll be a suburb.” It faces stiff competition from everything that happens after Amber and Velma leave. First, Edna deadpans, “I didn’t care for them” hilariously. And then Inez asks, “Are all white people like that?” “No no,” Wilbur assures her. “Just most.” Martin Short ftw!
Okay. Seriously? Link and Tracy’s big emotional moment, when Link decides he can’t be a part of the fight against segregation because of his career, was completely ruined and not only by Garrett Clayton’s boring acting. Whose stupid idea was it to have him say “I’m not throwing away my shot”? PEOPLE. Yes we all know Hamilton is the greatest thing ever. FFS I’m the person who told most of you that it was being WRITTEN and you didn’t believe me. But it does not make you great to reference it in your own art. First “Gilmore Girls” and now this. Well and every single other TV show and movie and commercial nowadays. Can people start being original again and stop trying to cheaply grab some of Hamilton’s greatness? It will not rub some of its genius off on you if you quote it inappropriately. I would say /end rant but I will never stop complaining about this until people stop doing it. So stupid.
I love Jennifer Hudson and she does a great job with this song, but her character is supposed to be a big lady, not someone who used to be big! I’m glad they added the opening line “Once upon a time girl I was just like you” to give a reason for her to sing the song. Even though she isn’t fat anymore, J-Hud is amaz. “Pour some sugar on me, sugar don’t be shyyy” I love the lyrics in this song so much! God she puts these production values to shame. They cannot handle her belt. I don’t love how they turn “Big Blonde & Beautiful” into the protest against the studio instead of having Tracy march with the black community while Maybelle sings “I Know Where I’ve Been”, which is my favorite part of the movie. If that song isn’t in this show I’m going to riot in the streets with them. Can you imagine Jennifer Hudson singing it?! Don’t take this away from me!
No time to think of that because it’s time for the most adorable part of Hairspray, “You’re Timeless to Me”, Wilbur’s ode to his love for his wife. Martin Short and Harvey Fierstein are great in this scene. It’s so damn funny and awkward and amazing. I love how high Martin’s voice is and how otherworldly low Harvey can get. It makes no sense that they are out on the street and not in their house but I guess Kenny Leon found it easier to direct every single number out on a wet street instead of making interesting choices.
Link comes to break Tracy out of jail while Seaweed breaks Penny out of her house and they all sing “Without Love”. Maddie sounded good here, if still frustratingly lacking in bubbliness and energy. Ariana finally did something right by bouncing on the bed when she sang “Now I’ve tasted chocolate and I’m never going back”; that was absolutely hilarious! But she still seems to be singing to the ceiling trying to riff everything instead of focusing on the moment of the song, not to mention the fact that she seems to have a medical condition that prevents her from using consonants. Her acting is pretty funny, though, at times, and her scenes with Ephraim are fun.
When we return from commercial, Billy Eichner is giving a TV news report because nothing counts unless you can fit Billy in somehow. Tracy and the Motormouth crew talk about what to do next and whether this fight is worth fighting, and it should be a really powerful scene but it’s paced sooo slowlyyyy. Luckily, it leads into J-Hud singing “I Know Where I’ve Been”! HOORAY! It’s in! It’s much more powerful in the movie when Motormouth sings it while they march on the station, but J-Hud is blowing this set apart with that voice. I really cannot believe this person is real and from this same world. She totally saved the show. And from this point on, it picks up and is a lot better. Next, at the Miss Hairspray Contest, Derek Hough sounds a great deal better on “(It’s) Hairspray”, and Dove Cameron sounds incredible on a really terrible song, “Cooties”. She is a find, whoever she is.
Finally, we’re at one of the best finales in musical theatre, “You Can’t Stop the Beat”, and it’s…lackluster. There are several reasons why. A continued problem is Maddie’s lack of energy. But also, the choreography is quite uninspired, with a lot of handjive-looking bullshit and not really impressive moves. So unfortunate when you have Ephraim and a whole roster of professional dancers onstage. And then Ariana Grande, on her big chance to redeem herself by singing, which she does professionally, apparently is really a baby, as is rumored, and cannot form words properly. She has the worst enunciation I’ve ever heard. She’s not even trying. Every word trails off and I don’t think she used 4 consonants this whole show. It sounds like she has a mouth full of water and opens it to make a sound and the tiniest sound comes out while a whole lot of water also does. She is a watermouth. And she can’t project! She’s so quiet! A lot of that is continued terrible sound tech issues but a lot is also her affected style that really does not work outside of her concerts (if it works there). It’s upsetting to say the least, as this casting should have been among the best decisions but it turned out to be among the worst. Luckily, Jennifer Hudson saves the show again by coming in on her verse and killing it. She really lifted the quality level of this show up by a metric shittonne. I hope she is awarded an emergency Emmy Award tomorrow because she is saving television here.
And then it kind of just ends. All in all, it feels pleasant but unsatisfying. It was nice enough, but aside from a few great performances, the production as a whole felt somewhat lifeless. The pacing was very off; everything felt a touch too slow. The sound problems were rampant, with mics cutting in and out and volume going up and down. It was obviously not as great as ‘Grease: Live’, which was flawless and set the bar extremely high for all live musicals that follow it, but I also don’t think it was as good as ‘The Wiz Live’! It shows that these live musicals are about much, much more than the material chosen, because ‘Hairspray’ is a far superior show than ‘Grease’, yet this production of great source material was just okay. It didn’t help that they ended by having J-Hud and Ariana sing “So Far To Go” during the bows. Why not having J-Hud do it with someone who is trying to make the lyrics heard? I wish they used Marissa here. I loved that Rosie was crying during the curtain call. She just loves being a part of it and that made me happy. I’m glad they all seem to be enjoying themselves, even if it wasn’t great. I’m still glad I watched and I hope they’re all proud of themselves. Except Ariana who needs to take Moses Supposes lessons. At least it was better than ‘Peter Pan Live’.
Touching the Void: Please Don’t Ever Make Me Ice Climb
It’s Theatre Thursday! Today’s show is Touching the Void, playing at the Duke of Yorks Theatre in London until February 29.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been terrified of outer space. Whenever I watch a movie like Gravity, my head is usually in my lap for most of the space parts and while I hyperventilate I’m like ‘please for the love of god never ever make me go into space.’ And now, making me climb a mountain where you need to use ice axes and where as soon as you take a break you get hypothermia sounds so much worse. Do not make me do this.
That I kept my shit together (well enough) during this stress-test-gone-insane of a play to realize how well they were telling this story is a testament to just how well they did it. I feel so lucky to be, I think, one of the very very few people in the audience and maybe in the world who had nooooo idea about this true story before I saw this play. There’s a really famous documentary about the real people who did this climb and what went wrong and I guess ‘everyone’ knows about it and I knew nnnnothing about it even though it won a BAFTA. (Both works are based on a book, and I don’t want to tell you who wrote the book because that’s a spoiler and I don’t futz with spoilers.) I can’t compare the play to the documentary, as a result, but I can say that if you don’t know the story, holy wow are you in for a wild ride. And given the rest of the audience’s reaction, I’m pretty sure it will be just as gripping and impressive if you do know the story. But I am so grateful that I got to experience this thrilling theatre as a blank slate.
In 1985, Joe Simpson (Josh Williams (those are like the same name)) and Simon Yates (Edward Hayter) set out to become the first climbers to reach the summit of Siula Grande in the Peruvian Andes, a mountain climb so difficult that no one had done it and yet these two bros are like oh but we can do it and we should do the west face because it’s impossible and also we’ll climb the old fashioned way, just the two of us with no team to help us so like YEAH they’re GONNA die. The play begins with a wake post-tragedy, as Joe’s sister Sarah (Fiona Hampton) attempts to understand why her brother felt the need to do crazy bananas shit like this. I was unsure at the beginning of the ability to translate this story to the stage, because the wake start felt rough and struggled to get off on the right foot. (Also, I couldn’t help but feel anger at Joe for putting his sister through this, as well as the family we don’t see, but that’s a whole nother conversation about living your life I guess.) The super loud booming club music pounding through the theatre before showtime (and during the interval, PASS) didn’t help. That interval music is even odder considering the action that comes before it.
But rather quickly, once they started telling the story via flashback, so it seemed, and really once they started climbing (even Sarah’s climb on the chairs), it kicked off and became riveting. With Tom Miller’s direction and incredible physicality from the cast, doubts about this story’s stageworthiness dissipated. Somehow, watching them climb onstage made for truly gripping theatre, thanks to the brilliant set design and climbing choreography. You’d think that the biggest difference between the play and the movie, and where the movie wins out, is the ability to show the actual mountain and their actual climbing. But how they recreate it on an enormous dinosaur skeleton-made-out-of-printer-paper sort of thing is mind-blowing. And sure it’s probably incredible to see all this action on the real mountain in the movie, but what they accomplished onstage is super impressive.
Williams’ physical performance in Act II is even more impressive, and I completely bought that I was watching an injured man trying to move at all. I saw his pain and suffering and it felt real. The cast overall was good, and any weakness I thought I recognized in Hampton in the beginning was just my difficulty with the opening gambit, as in Act II she and everyone really shine, even Richard (Patrick McNamee), the annoying guitar-playing dork, hitting the right notes for needed comic relief.
How the story unfolds is shocking and emotional and exciting and a surefire way to raise your blood pressure, and if you have anxiety you’ll def need to prepare yourself. But I mean all that in the best way. I still can’t believe this is a true story. And I still can’t believe people would choose to do things like this on their own volition. Please do not make me.
INFORMATION
The show is about 2 hours 20 minutes, with the first act ending at our performance at 20:37.
At the Duke of Yorks, I recommend sitting in the circle, because that’s ground level. I forgot and was in the stalls and the whole being below ground thing is no fun when you try to leave. Also, the Ladies bathroom is right next to the house right door of the circle (the same one you climb the stairs to if you’re in the front stalls). For this show especially, you want to make sure you have a clear view all the way up – do not sit in the back of the stalls.
