Gilmore Girls “A Year in the Life”: "Spring" Has Destroyed the Spring In My Stepby Randi / December 2, 2016
Hoo boy, was ‘Summer’ a doozy. I experienced a roller coaster of emotions – I was angry, I was sad, I was even angrier, I was frustrated – and that’s all directed at the Palladinos. We learned something new and super annoying about the Palladinos, or as I’ll now call them, the Tweedledee and Tweedledinos, from this episode: They hate millennials. Yup, the people who created one of the most beloved and important shows of this much-maligned generation also believe all the very stupid and baseless bullshit spread about millennials – that they’re lazy good-for-nothings who all end up back living with their parents because of their own bad decisions. They are like those idiots who believe that the fact that millennials can’t buy a house at age 25 from a median-income 9-5 job like their grandparents could is their own fault, and not, as it is, the fault of those grandparents. Nothing is more ignorant and, really, basic than uninformed derision of millennials. Conclusion, the Palladinos are basic bitches.
But first, let’s start at the very beginning of the episode. Just seconds after we were notified that this episode was, like Spring, written and directed by Daniel “FFS” Palladino, we were reminded of yet another really terrible trait of the Tweedledinos: they love to fat shame. Like, love it. I really needed this episode to do a lot of heavy lifting to redeem the revival after Spring’s mess, so to be so quickly reminded of their ‘90s-era lame humor seemed to be accompanied by a cartoon ‘womp wahhhh.’ As we see time and time again, Amy and Dan love making fun of vegetarians and fat people – two of the lamest kinds of stale ‘jokes’. To have Summer start with more of their outdated, offensive, lazy, tired humor was such a disappointment. Is it irony that their humor is what they falsely think millennials are – lazy and tired? Or just annoying and embarrassing for them?
At first glance, the opening scene seems promising – everyone is splashing and rollicking at the Stars Hollow pool (which is a thing!) and it looks so fun and omg it’s so cold here I really miss summer and pools! Then we focus on Lorelai and Rory lounging by the pool with hats and sunglasses and attractive summery clothes (not bathing suits), talking fast about…how dumb people are for wanting to swim? Wait, I really don’t buy this. They go on and on about how to get to the pool, you have to walk there in the sun, which is hot, which makes no sense if the purpose of the pool is to avoid the heat, and if the other purpose is to cool off in water, they should stay home and take a bath. Oh my goodness. I think this is a new conversational low point. Remember when their first conversation of the revival was about Goop? I miss those days. I fully and completely object to the idea that they would be anti-pool to such an extent that they question why people enjoy pools. Wtf. I liked how they finished each other’s sentences but that’s about it. And just when you think this scene can only improve, they start saying ‘belly watch!’ when fat people walk by. Oh the fat shaming is both shameful and not quick. What lazy humor, Dan. Shame. SHAAAAME.
Okay, now the crappy stuff must be over, right? But alas. Andrew comes over to the girls and says how he’s glad Rory’s ‘back’, to which Rory argues ‘I’m not back’. Then Lane and Zack come over and Zack says the same thing. (Lane shows what a good friend she is by immediately saying ‘She’s not back’, knowing that’s what Rory would want.) Again Rory protests ‘I’m not back!’ Because being back living in her mother’s house – which she is doing – would be embarrassing? Would mean she’s a failure? No, it doesn’t at all, and it’s super common nowadays because our generation has been given a destroyed system that adds insult to injury by having older generations blame us for what they wreaked. But having Rory so vehemently oppose the idea of people thinking she’s back shows that that’s exactly what she thinks and what the show’s universe and creators think. Fie on them for perpetuating this ignorant belief that should be relegated to the province of old white congressmen only.
Zack looks like Santa Claus.
Okay, NOW the crappy stuff must be over right? Right? HOLY SHIT ALL THE PREVIOUS AWFULNESS HATH BEQUEATHED THE WORST AWFULNESS OF ALL, APRIL! NOOOOOOO! Okay, breathe. We knew she was coming, we knew. It’s just that after a fully loaded 2 minutes of this episode, chock full of as many trite jokes and insulting platitudes that can be crammed into 2 minutes, to have April show up before we even reach the 3 minute mark is like a stress test gone berserk.
April and Rory talk about how great M.I.T. is and how much they love beakers and Bunsen burners and clamps (?), and I realize two things that kind of suck: a) how it would have been nice back in season 6 if instead of using April as a plot device to drive Luke and Lorelai apart, they had L&L bond further over having such similar daughters, and b) April sucks.
She goes on about how she only watches German silent films (I don’t know anyone who ever went through that phase) and yells at Luke that the Constitution says she can pierce her nose (same Constitution those republicans seems to be looking at) and then, worst of all, doesn’t get Lorelai’s jokes. Now the Woody Allen quote I’ll give her a pass on, because Woody Allen is a disgusting paedophile, so disgusting that I’m giving him the British spelling and saying it in my head like Ted Mosby. But to not laugh at the greatest Lorelai line in so long is unforgivable: When April claims she spoke to BLE Noam Chomsky (best linguist ever), Lorelai says, “Ah. To Noam is to love him” and I CACKLED. April just looked confused. I mean, that was the best line!
I noticed at this point that Luke is, and has been, acting like Upside Down Luke. It’s him, but like…not. He refuses to have conversations. He refuses to talk with Lorelai about finances and about how much he’s paying for April to do whatever she wants. You have to have those conversations, Luke! He just shuts Lorelai down crankily and that’s that. I want to Cher-in-Moonstruck him and shake him out of whatever grumpy funk he’s in. But he doesn’t seem like the adorably grumpy guy he used to be; he just seems like an unpleasant ass. And that’s not Luke. I don’t really understand why they have him acting completely devoid of emotion, of love, of kindness in this episode and in Spring, unless it’s to lead up to something that is going to be very disagreeable. I guess we know that’s coming, but to have Luke’s lovable character completely altered in this negative way does not feel true to the show, or to him.
I do love that he forgets so much about the TV show they’re watching (“The Returned”) that he says “Oh yeah these people live in this small town, right?” and Lorelai prompts “…and some of them are dead…” and he has completely forgotten that part. That’s the one very Luke thing in hours of revival so far.
No time to dwell on how the dream is dead because April decides to continue the conversation about how Rory is back home and how she too could fail like Rory and be spit out by the world and then she has an anxiety attack to mirror the one she gave me. April’s also wearing a rasta knit hat. I’m gonna need M.I.T. grad Bean to report to us on whether M.I.T. students wore those hats.
As almost a reflex when she’s dealing with the sads, Rory calls Logan for comfort, but learns that her affianced adulterer of a beau is now – what a gd surprise – living with the fiancée heiress. Instead of both of these morons realizing that maybe they should end their affair, they talk about what hotels Rory can stay in when she visits. Rory at least seems upset about having to stay in a hotel, but it’s probably not for a good reason like she’s coming to terms with her immorality but more likely because she doesn’t like the room service at the Savoy or she knows that Amber Riley’s unstoppable belting will travel up to her floor and keep her up at night.
Nope, they decide they’ll still see each other. Cool guys.
Yay a town meeting! With Carole King back as music shoppe owner Sophie! I love her even though it’s weird that she’s no longer singing the theme song because, sadly, the revival just starts, with no musical opening, which I strongly disagree with. Oh no. Oh no. The entire start of the meeting is about how Rory is back and how she should join up with ‘the 30-something gang’ of all the Hollow offspring who had to move back in with their parents and they go bowling and stuff. I’m offended in so many ways by this continued mockery, Daniel, and the suggestion that people in my age group enjoy bowling so much is not the least of it.
Why is there so much gd Bootsie in this episode yet we haven’t seen Patty in forever?! Bootsie sucks. I’m not okay with this lack of Patty at the town meetings – which are held in her own dance studio. There’s been a lot of Babette, and I adore Babette, but it’s almost too much of her, like they gave her all the time allotted for both Babette and Patty. Why isn’t Liz Torres doing more? Is she sick? Don’t be sick!
The next order of business at the town meeting is one I am fully behind – Taylor wants to put on a town musical! This is such an obvious plot device to cover up the Tweedledinos lack of good story ideas otherwise, but I don’t care because a musical! A musical! I am psyched. It’s going to be terrible, isn’t it? Yessss.
Nice to see that Stars Hollow now has roughly 6 people of color finally.
The last order of business is a new plot line for Rory that doesn’t involve adultery! How novel! The Stars Hollow Gazette is shutting down, not due to lack of funding or anything reasonable, but just because the editor is retiring. And because Taylor likes to do dumb things, the newspaper is shutting down instead of finding a new editor. Obviously, Rory cannot abide ending such a bastion of journalistic integrity/good coupons, and we can see the passionate fire of an extremely weak child trying to rub together two rocks growing inside her.
Before we see Rory save journalism as this series always told us she was born to do, we go back to the pool. Oh joy. Did I mention how they hired two little boys to hold parasols over them? I feel so bad for these little boys. It’s so hot out and they just want to play! It’s summer! But instead they have to listen to Lorelai and Rory do, what, plantation humor? as they talk in ‘humorous’ southern accents about how good their little servants are. Oof. And then more body shaming. Cool guys!
As the little boys trail behind the Girls, lugging all their crap, they see other kids playing and say, ‘That looks like fun.’ It’s not particularly funny, just sad, but I don’t see the point of including this at all unless it’s to show us that the Girls are horrible people. And while we know that they can be indeed horrible, I don’t believe that Daniel would want us to think that! Does he hate them? Is he throwing the game? It’s just so unnecessary unless he wants to spread hate. Which, to be fair, is so like him.
Yasss musical auditions!! The happiest time of year! Here’s Patty finally, handling the sign-up sheet with Babette. Her trademark lasciviousness seems almost forced, as her lewd comments to all the hot men are no longer funny but awkward. Her spark is lessened. Did all her amazing energy come from her old body? I did enjoy Babette’s “It says your name is Kevin but I’m going to call you…tomorrow.” Classic old lady line!
I cannot abide all the talk about how Sutton Foster played a character named Kinky Boots. As Lorelai points out, there is no character named Kinky Boots. As sadly NO ONE points out, there is no main role for women in the entire show. In fact, Sutton wouldn’t be right for any female role in the show, so this bothered me a whole lot. At least Kerry Butler/therapist Claudia is finally going to do something on this show she’s good at – sing! And while she talks to Lorelai about needing a good word put in for her (um you don’t you’re amazing), Sutton Foster is singing my favorite song to sing from ‘South Pacific’!!! What a great 40 seconds this was! Kerry sings too and was in such good voice. Slay queens.
Rory finally asks Taylor to let her save the Gazette, which, okay, this is a decent plot line for her. At least she’s writing. But apparently it is an unpaid position? Or when they said the salary was nothing did they mean in figurative terms? Because that’s b.s. otherwise. She does take a lot of scotch from the editor’s desk though. Maybe she likes getting paid in scotch. Insert happy shouting here for casting the great hilarious Jackie Hoffman as one of the Gazette staffers!
Okay now we have to talk about the most disturbing part of the revival, maybe the most disturbing thing ever on television. Guys. What the hell is going on with this little girl? She is either Alien Learning to Assimilate to Humans By Only Watching Old Cartoons Where Facial Expressions Didn’t Change, or Worst Child Actor in History. I realize I am bashing a child but I can live with it. I cannot tolerate this performance. Seriously, what is happening here? This Boy Statue is holding I’m guessing a phone, completely stationary, and Alien/Worst is just grinning like a fool LIKE A FOOL for wayyy too long than is necessary to make whatever point about Aliens/Terrible Child Actors they’re trying to make here. Michel and Lorelai could have thrown down on the reception desk and instantaneously conceived and birthed a centaur and I would not have been able to look away from this Medusa’s head of a child’s face.
After Michel gave these little monsters lollipops, he had the greatest line of the whole episode:
Michel: “On a scale of 1-10 how much did I sound like a child molester?”
Lorelai: “6?”
Michel: “Getting better!”
Omg so wrong and it made me think of this best scene from “Peep Show”.
Michel asks Lorelai to drinks that night so they can talk, which feels ominous, and Lorelai feels it too. Seems like her fears about Michel leaving were well founded. Cool that she had all that support from Luke about it. As Lorelai walks away, Michel turns to check in a family, and we see what we never in a million years could have guessed would ever happen on this show: for one shot, the four people onscreen are all black, and that is awesome. Now that that’s over, “GG” will quickly return to its position as Whitest Show in TV history.
One thing that Daniel did very well here is to call back to the town meeting from ‘Winter’ or ‘Spring’, when Babette shouted something about the ‘secret bar’ in town, which we never previously heard anything about. Well, that’s where Lorelai and Michel go for their drink! I adore how they set it up, with the space looking like any regular, popular, lounge-y speakeasy space, Lane and Zack playing their instruments softly in the corner, Lorelai making terrible jokes, all normal, until a few shouts of “Five-oh! Five-oh!” (like Hawaii?) ring out from outside and everyone blows out their candles, grabs their drinks, folds up their tables and chairs, and stands flat against the wall in the dark. Then Taylor walks by – and sees nothing. I loved this reveal that this was the secret bar!!
So the news is that Michel is indeed leaving, for the W Hotel so he can run a spa like he was born to, and get paid more like he deserves but the Dragonfly can’t afford. I loved his defense of needing more money: “We have a baby on the way! Well I think Frederic ordered one, I have to check.”
Grumpy Luke is even grumpier as he prepares Burger Day at the Inn. WHY IS HE STILL COOKING AT THE INN? Can’t someone tell Lorelai just to hire a f-ing new chef? I cannot stand new mean Luke but I fully understand his grumpiness in this scene. But I would prefer he actually learn to communicate with Lorelai and tell her she’s being unprofessional by refusing to, you know, run her business.
Back at the Gazette offices (at night? These oldsters have to sleep, Rory!), Taylor apparently thinks he’s the editor and is preening his feathers like he owns the place. I guess as official King of the Hollow, Taylor does also run this, but if Rory’s not getting paid can’t she just kick him out? So annoying. We get a good few minutes of hilarioussss jokes about how old the computer system is. Why does this have to be a terrible experience for Rory? Why couldn’t this be her big return to running a newspaper? I hope it just means that something better awaits her in the next episode, professionally.
With zero help from her staff about wtf happens at this paper, Rory has to deliver the newspapers herself, by foot. She and Lorelai run around town in a delivery montage and fight about which part of town is east and which is west, while ‘These Boots are Made for Walking’ plays, and it’s all kind of dumb and blah, and then Doyle calls Rory, and honestly, I have never been happier to see Doyle! He is such a good character. In classic form, he complains that Rory butchered his movie review that he submitted to the Gazette – because she had to trim the original 20,000+ words he wrote. I like the insinuation that writing terrible screenplays would have lessened his sharp editing skills. And I love what a good friend he is that despite his success, and despite his divorce from Paris, he still helps out Rory. Decent guy.
I’m going to ignore the mid-montage inclusion of the 30-something gang and the continued mockery of this demographic and their love of Paul Thomas Anderson because it is painful, offensive, and trite.
After her papers are all delivered, Rory calls Emily, at noon, and Emily is still sleeping, and isn’t sure what day it is. She’s completely out of it, seemingly sick if not totaled by depression. Guys, if they decide to kill Emily Gilmore, I will revolt. I will riot in the streets. That would not only be horribly sad but it’s also just lazy storytelling! Get a better idea, Tweedles! Don’t kill her!
Finally, we made it to the musical! You’d think considering that most of this blog is musical reviews this is the part I’d be really qualified to write about. But holy mother of god, this was (luckily) like nothing I’ve ever seen. Omg! It’s so off its rocker while also being kind of funny and mostly just bad, but in a way that accurately lampoons bad musical decisions. It stars Broadway ledges Sutton Foster and Christian Borle, who have four Tonys between them and lots more nominations. Suffice it to say, they’re among the best of the best, so if you are unfamiliar with them, know that their performances here were CLEARLY DIRECTED to be terrible. But great still. But terrible.
Workin on buildin workin on buildin STAAAARS HOLLOW!
Obviously, the musical was painfully horrible, and the music and lyrics were worse than the Hugh Grant movie of the same name. But so much of it was bad in a funny way (despite the pain) and so many terrible decisions – like the standard tap moves that turned into a kickline – were on the nose for making fun of what bad musicals usually do. It was meta. Some lyrics cracked my shit up:
“We met so awfully cute
And you were ripe and curvy
You brought me a crown* of citrus fruits
Which I hoped would cure your scurvy”
*it sounded like crown and I refuse to listen to that again so we’re going with crown
“We’ll have 14 kids and hope that 3 will survive!”
The best was Babette whispering to Gypsy “The guy is hot.” And also the apparent relationship between Tom (the Dragonly contractor) and Carole King! I want to see that storyline! I loved the random shout of “Lafayette!” in the Revolutionary Time song, and thought it would be great if that was as close as the show got to referencing ‘Hamilton’ – makes fans think of it, but it’s not being annoying by actually saying flat out “we’re referencing Hamilton!”, and it can be easily ignored as not a reference at all (it prob isn’t!). But, of course, I gave Daniel too much credit, because a minute later a third actor came onstage and started rapping. His first words were literally “Look I’m rapping, just like Hamilton on Broadway”. I mean. That’s not even funny. It literally hurt me to watch. I sacrifice so much for you. This is agitating my sciatica so much. $100 says the Tweedledinos never saw ‘Hamilton’, p.s. They can’t get tickets.
The only ONLY good part of that piece of shit section is that the guy actually said ‘Lin-Manuel’ in his horrible rap, and now I cannot wait for Lin, who JUST started watching Gilmore Girls, like season 1, last week, to catch up and see that he’s mentioned. Can you imagine how weird that would be, to get into a TV show and then have them reference you? So weird.
Christian Borle was SO into the finale that I kind of loved it! And Sam Pancake’s faces throughout the musical were pretty amazing. I mean, overall, I may have loved all of it (except the rapping/Ham reference). It was so freaking perfect to end with ABBA playing and forcing the audience to stand up and dance and clap because I DESPISE when shows do that – they force you to give an undeserved standing ovation! That’s the whole trick! And all the oldsters love dancing and clapping along to songs from their youth, so they leave the theatre on a high and forget how shitty the show was. Oldest trick in the book (since jukebox musicals happened). So it was quite perfect that they included it here as yet another aspect that had Lorelai (the only voice of reason in the room) roll her eyes almost out of her head.
Ugh and then they talked more about Hamilton. No way on earth that Taylor knows who RZA is. Omg they just keep talking about it! Ughhhh. The entire post-show session with the advisory committee is soo infuriating. Lorelai raises legitimate concerns – like the fact that the female character apparently has sex 26 times in the show – and the rest of the group just calls her a prude. Maddening. To top off this whole shitty post-show, Carole King’s Sophie says that she’s written a few songs that the show could include – and she gets up and plays ‘I Feel the Earth Move’, which Taylor hates. Oh come on. This is dumb.
Luckily, all that b.s. ends with a cut to Emily hosting a DAR meeting. And guys, we have a new DAR member – BARB FROM COUGAR TOWN! Oh my god I literally screamed BARB!! Apparently she is playing the exact same character. Revel in her glory, especially the last scene:
Back at the Stars Hollow Gazette, Rory twiddles her thumbs while she waits for the only thing that gives her life purpose – her ex-boyfriends. And with that, Jess Mariano waltzes into the offices. A really, really buff Jess. Rory introduces him to the two staffers, and Jackie Hoffman, comic genius, says “I remember you. Punk.” And it’s beautiful.
Jess is in town to help Luke with Liz and TJ. Listen, if we don’t see Liz and TJ in the ‘Fall’ finale, I’m going to riot in the streets over this too. So Rory and Jess drink desk scotch and make small talk, until Rory confides in him that she feels like a failure, ‘coulda been a contender’ and isn’t, and is broke and has no car and let her license expire.
Back the f up, Rory.
First of all, you were driving your Prius the day before. So a) you do have a car, and b) you don’t seem to mind a little driving without a valid license.
Second, shut up with your whining about how broke you are. You just left your millionaire grandmother’s house, and she has never been shy about wanting to buy you all the things you could ever want. INCLUDING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN YALE TUITION. Your great-grandmother and OG Lorelai died several years ago and most definitely left you some moolah. Your grandfather just died and even moster definitely-er left you even more money. And to top it off, your father who is good for nothing BUT offering you money is richer than all of them put together! And then in the next scene you’re going to talk to Lorelai about how you’re looking for apartments in Queens and want a 2 bedroom place so princess can have a separate writing space! SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT HOW BROKE YOU ARE! Especially to a guy who has built up his entire business from the ground up. What the hell Daniel! Get her story straight! This is infuriating. Why she so dumb.
Best is when she complains to Jess that all of her possessions are scattered around three different states (not to mention the other country, Adulterer). THAT IS YOUR FAULT, RORY. YOU DID THAT.
I used to very vehemently be on Not Team Jess, because he was such a shithead in his early seasons. But during my latest rewatch, later-seasons Jess is a winner. He has his shit together and he is the only guy who seems to understand Rory. Now, to continue the trend of him knowing what’s best for her, he suggests that she get out of this current rut by writing a book about her relationship with her mother. Um, yes, excellent advice! Do approve! It would be a fantastic way for Rory to achieve success in the universe of this show. Kind of pat but beautiful, I think.
Ps, you know that part in “Trainwreck” where Amy Shumer is at the movies with John Cena and some guy calls him Mark Wahlberg and Cena’s like, “Dude have you seen me?! I look like I ATE Mark Wahlberg!”? Jess looks like he ate teenage Jess. (In a good way. Have you seen this?!)
The next scene is upsetting in so many ways. The three Gilmore Girls go to the cemetery to see Richard’s new headstone – #5, because Emily is so picky or really they just keep getting the stone wrong! She can be picky about this. (Except, in general, like, stop burying people. Gross.) Emily has a new man friend, which is alarming, but hopefully he helps her get through her malaise. I loved when Lorelai was complaining about him to Rory, and how she couldn’t find anything online about him because there were too many Jack Smiths. “Try searching John, Jack is short for John.” “Okay googling John Smith and now my phone is just laughing at me.”
For the first time, Emily is right about Lorelai’s relationship with Luke. It turns out Luke never told Lorelai about that day when Emily ambushed him with Ida Attorney and took him to see franchise locations. Emily asks Lorelai, “Do you and that partner of yours ever talk about anything?” No, Emily, no they don’t.
Lorelai and Rory finally get a moment to themselves to chat about Rory’s big project – she’s decided to take Jess’s advice and write their story. Their moment comes at the cemetery, which lends itself well to a terrible joke on Lorelai’s part that cracked me up: “So what it is about! I’m dying to hear– (looks around) Sorry just an expression.” So dumb but I laughed. But when Rory tells Lorelai she’s writing about their relationship, their ‘journey’, Lorelai is not laughing. She’s actually angry and upset. We have rarely seen her like this, especially with Rory. As Rory explains more of the format, Lorelai just simply says “No.” She does not give her permission. I am shocked, really, at her reaction to this. She says how it’s her life and how she tried very hard to make sure that people only knew what she wanted them to know. This all seems very much out of left field, considering how Lorelai’s arrival in Stars Hollow with baby Rory was in the newspaper back then! Everyone knows everything about her journey! I don’t buy this AT ALL. No way in hell Lorelai wouldn’t love this idea. She’d be proud to be the subject of Rory’s ‘brilliant’ writing.
A very frustrated Lorelai goes to Luke’s diner for coffee, which he tries to stop her from because it would waste the whole pot. Um, has he met Lorelai? She finally snaps and asks how much longer he’s going to be like this. Good question, I’ve been asking the same thing! Just a total dull grumperpuss! She confronts him with the fact that he didn’t tell her about Emily and the franchise locations – but he responds with how she lied about continuing therapy with her mother. I thought this would finally get them to speak kindly with each other, if Lorelai admitted to him that she’s been going on her own because she felt she needed it. I was so pumped for Luke’s take on this reveal. But instead of seeing him respond to her with love and kindness, he flat out does not believe her. She finally confides in him the secret she’s been keeping from him for fear of what he would think of her, and he does not believe her. Literally the worst thing he could possibly do to her, or anyone can do to anyone they supposedly love. They start fighting in front of customers and it’s very awkward, until Luke reminds her of their ‘deal’ – that they live separate lives, and keep their bits to themselves, as Lorelai set up. Obviously she did not set this up. That’s just what Luke wants, and Lorelai realizes that he sees them as two separate players and not as a team.
In the middle of a very emotional Lorelai sandwich is an emotional Rory filling, in which she talks to Lane about her fight with her mom while she reflexively keeps calling Logan and hanging up. Logan finally gets through to her and asks, Ace, wtf? in so many words. Rory explains how she keeps wanting to talk to him about her life but can’t, because she can’t ignore his fiancée anymore, like he apparently can. They ‘break up’, although Rory’s acknowledgement that they can’t ‘break up’ because they are ‘nothing’ was pretty sad. Is that the end of Logan Huntzberger? I can’t believe he is going to go out with a silent phone hang up. But I think he’s only in three episodes, so that might be that. Wow. Wait but Finn and Colin haven’t shown up yet and they wouldn’t be in Fall without Logan, right? Maybe Logan’s in 4 eps. I kind of hope that isn’t the end of Logan! What’s happened to me?!
Back to sad Lorelai stuff – Taylor and the guy from Brooklyn wrote a new song for the musical and invited the advisory committee to hear it. This is such by-the-numbers storytelling but I don’t care because the new song is actually good. Lorelai thinks so too, and it speaks to her. Don’t get me wrong, it would have less than zero business being in the Stars Hollow Musical as we know it. But as a plot device used to speak to Lorelai, it’s great. Lauren Graham is at her best in this scene and up to the end of the episode. We see in her eyes everything she’s feeling as she listens to the song, and as the lighting focuses just on Sutton and her, blacking out everyone else in the room, her anguish is powerful and staggering. She recognizes her own struggles in the music and connects deeply to the message as she starts to cry. It’s such a strong scene for her and for this revival, finally, to let her/anyone feel real emotion and acknowledge that something needs to be done about it.
On that note, she goes home to find Luke fixing things up like nothing happened at the diner. But Lorelai is shaken, and something is obviously different. She quietly informs Luke that she is going away, maybe for a while. She is doing ‘Wild’, she says – you may have noticed she was reading Cheryl Strayed’s famous book at the pool. He’s confused and makes dumb comments about how she can’t possibly know what that entails and isn’t serious. But this is a quietly determined Lorelai that we haven’t seen in a long time. She is going. Luke can’t stop her. He finally asks her a question he’s probably never asked her before – ‘why’ – and she responds with the quote from the song, “Because it’s never or now.” That’s not really why, though, Luke; it’s because you are being a complete diddadoof and she needs you to snap out of it and realize how much you love her and how you need to work harder and be better.
This scene is spectacular. The acting is top notch, the kind we used to see all the time in this show. And it is so cathartic to finally see Lorelai and Luke even approach talking about what they need, what they feel. And how this relationship is in need of a lot of work. Everything about it was perfect and moving and almost made up for the rest of the episode. I’m so glad this revival is finally addressing what needs to be addressed – and I’m trying not to focus on the fact that they are seriously running out of time to do it properly.
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I’m “The Most Happy Fella” Because of Encores! at NY City Center
None of these three guys is the most happy. But they look regular happy.
Does Encores! ever disappoint? No, it really doesn’t. The program’s just-about-one-weekend-only productions (at NY City Center) of classic musicals are always as good as full throttle Broadway productions, and in some cases better. Its recent presentation of “The Most Happy Fella” was the latter type. While the show itself has issues, this production and this spectacular cast were undoubtedly the greatest ever of this musical. If the New York theatre crowd didn’t already know to run, money waving in hand, to the NYCC box office every time an Encores! production was announced, everyone knows now. The full, gorgeous production outshone most of what’s on the boards now, or has been lately, thanks to Casey Nicholaw’s (of “Book of Mormon” fame) efficient direction, good cuts for time, the perfectly cast leads, and most of all the lush, romantic Frank Loesser operatic score.
Yes, “Fella” is totally operatic, but no it is not an opera and don’t call it one or Laura Benanti will yell at you. It feels like one because a lot of the scenes are sung-through in recitatives that aren’t quite full songs on their own, like an opera. Yet it is pure classic musical theatre. But it does require singers (at least in the lead female role of Rosabella) somewhat of opera caliber, and that’s why the casting of Benanti as Rosabella, whose legit soprano voice we don’t get to hear enough in most of her roles, was the key that made this production work so well. Even with the flu – she had the flu baaad the entire run – she was perfection. You could not tell she was sick at all. (She is pretty much the definition of trooper. Also, during her first big song, “Somebody Somewhere”, someone up front sneeze-cough-died SO LOUD I could hear it in the balcony like it was in my ear, and Benanti was completely unfazed. (She told me afterwards that it was “the craziest thing I’ve ever heard”.)) It was crazy how perfect she was in this role of a San Francisco waitress, who finds at the end of the night that a customer left her a lovely pin as a tip, along with a letter written on his menu professing his love for her. Okay yeah, that’s how the show starts, and it sounds corny as hell, but it’s old-fashioned and just swell.
The customer is Tony, an Italian farmer in the Napa Valley, who has to deal with everyone always commenting on how this Italian is so foreign and exotic which is kind of awkward, but then again he still speaks broken English in a very heavy Italian accent so we’ll just let that go. Tony is the biggest-hearted man, but he’s also pretty damn old, which is why Rosabella at first is like ew gross old man get away from me. (She actually says this, sort of.) Well that’s how it is supposed to be, but Shuler Hensley (playing Tony, in his best performance poss ever) is like only ten years older than Benanti. So it just felt mean but whatever. Anyway so plot. Rosabella (this is just what Tony calls the beautiful waitress and what she ends up being called by everyone in Napa; we find out her real name at the end and it’s prettayy funny) writes to the address Tony left on the menu and sends a picture of herself. Tony receives the picture and shares it with his entire community in Napa, and they all perform the title song that has been stuck in my head for 2 weeks now. (Seriously I’m even singing to my dog “YOU’RE THE MOST CUTEST FELLAAAA”.) P.S., we learn that all the gals in Napa shop exclusively at Modcloth. So Tony is the most happy fella, over the moon that she actually responded to his love letter, but then he’s upset, rightly so, that she asks for his picture in return (he’s not the most handsome slightly overweight old man). But then! Cheyenne Jackson, the most gorgeous person to ever walk on this planet (this is not an exaggeration, it’s like even his Wikipedia entry) enters as Joey, Tony’s right-hand farmhand, and Tony’s all heyyyy Joeyyyyy lemme ahh take ahh peetch of ahh youuuuu! Then Cheyenne sings and everyone dies from happy. Including Rosabella, who gets Joey’s picture and is all “This guy’s HAWT I’m gonna go to Napa and marry him!” So, this show is not the most feminist piece of theatre.
Watch the below video to get a feeling for it all. And also to understand why Cheyenne and Laura are two of the best people ever. And everyone else.
The customer is Tony, an Italian farmer in the Napa Valley, who has to deal with everyone always commenting on how this Italian is so foreign and exotic which is kind of awkward, but then again he still speaks broken English in a very heavy Italian accent so we’ll just let that go. Tony is the biggest-hearted man, but he’s also pretty damn old, which is why Rosabella at first is like ew gross old man get away from me. (She actually says this, sort of.) Well that’s how it is supposed to be, but Shuler Hensley (playing Tony, in his best performance poss ever) is like only ten years older than Benanti. So it just felt mean but whatever. Anyway so plot. Rosabella (this is just what Tony calls the beautiful waitress and what she ends up being called by everyone in Napa; we find out her real name at the end and it’s prettayy funny) writes to the address Tony left on the menu and sends a picture of herself. Tony receives the picture and shares it with his entire community in Napa, and they all perform the title song that has been stuck in my head for 2 weeks now. (Seriously I’m even singing to my dog “YOU’RE THE MOST CUTEST FELLAAAA”.) P.S., we learn that all the gals in Napa shop exclusively at Modcloth. So Tony is the most happy fella, over the moon that she actually responded to his love letter, but then he’s upset, rightly so, that she asks for his picture in return (he’s not the most handsome slightly overweight old man). But then! Cheyenne Jackson, the most gorgeous person to ever walk on this planet (this is not an exaggeration, it’s like even his Wikipedia entry) enters as Joey, Tony’s right-hand farmhand, and Tony’s all heyyyy Joeyyyyy lemme ahh take ahh peetch of ahh youuuuu! Then Cheyenne sings and everyone dies from happy. Including Rosabella, who gets Joey’s picture and is all “This guy’s HAWT I’m gonna go to Napa and marry him!” So, this show is not the most feminist piece of theatre.
Watch the below video to get a feeling for it all. And also to understand why Cheyenne and Laura are two of the best people ever. And everyone else.
Rosabella and Tony get to know each other though and, despite Rosabella’s initial anger at being tricked (plus some other sheet that goes down), of course they fall for each other while singing absolutely glorious songs, with a full orchestra (such a rarity nowadays, and such a g-d treat). Meanwhile, Rosabella’s best friend Cleo (Heidi Blickenstaff, hilarious as always but dancier than normal) comes to keep an eye on everything (this is effectively a mail-order bride situation, so good on Cleo for being all um I’m gonna check this shit out…) and falls for a different farmy guy named Herman (Jay Armstrong Johnson, wonderful and FOR REAL channeling Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf…he even says “I love smiling smiling’s my favorite!!” Well he says style but in the same way). They realize they’re both from Dallas and they sing the second most fun song in the entire show, “Big D” (as in “Big D, little A double L-A-S!”). Blickenstaff also sings one of the most ridiculous songs in musical theatre, “Ooh! My Feet!” It is a ballsy way to open a show, with a supporting character rubbing her aching feet and literally wailing “Ooh, my feet, my poor poor feet” and singing about each one of the little piggies. The first time I heard this song I cried from laughing so hard. Blickenstaff’s was a little too well sung and not groany enough for me, but it was still funny.
Texans looove each other
The first most fun song in the show was “Abbondanza”, sung by like chefs getting ready for the wedding (which happened as soon as Rosabella arrived, like wtf give a girl a day or something) and I was crying during it. The three chefs repeat the names of items and then sing “Abbondanza” a lot and I don’t know why but it killed me. It was so well done for comedic effect. That was clearly the work of Nicholaw, because otherwise that song can be kind of dumb. But somehow they made “I frutti i frutti i frutti…la torta la torta la torta…Abbondanza! Abbondanza!” freaking hilarious.
Everything was so perfectly done, but in making the show only 2 acts (instead of the usual 3), some necessary story was cut. Like all of a sudden Rosabella actually does love her old man husband? We think she and Joey are totes into each other but then Joey is not really in the second act? I mean, the end reveal makes all of this make sense, but it could have been written better. However, every other aspect, from the lighting (except for one spotlight mistake) to the costumes to the cast to the direction, was wonderful. Unless a heavenly decree comes down and declares a Broadway run with the same cast (or at least a cast recording for chrissakes), the 5 days when “Fella” was on the Encores! stage will be remembered as one of the most magical times in recent New York theatre.
Everything was so perfectly done, but in making the show only 2 acts (instead of the usual 3), some necessary story was cut. Like all of a sudden Rosabella actually does love her old man husband? We think she and Joey are totes into each other but then Joey is not really in the second act? I mean, the end reveal makes all of this make sense, but it could have been written better. However, every other aspect, from the lighting (except for one spotlight mistake) to the costumes to the cast to the direction, was wonderful. Unless a heavenly decree comes down and declares a Broadway run with the same cast (or at least a cast recording for chrissakes), the 5 days when “Fella” was on the Encores! stage will be remembered as one of the most magical times in recent New York theatre.
Questions I hope HEX answers before opening night
The brand new musical Hex is due to open tomorrow night at London’s National Theatre. Given its awesome-sounding premise — it’s a dark musical retelling of the Sleeping Beauty story starring the great Rosalie Craig as the fairy responsible for the curse — I was too excited to wait for opening night. Instead, I saw an early preview and. . .well. . .yeesh. Rather than parroting the fellow audience members we overheard as we left the theatre (“wow what an absolute mess”), I’m going to list some of the questions I hope the creatives can manage to answer before the show is frozen. If these questions can be answered in time, and the holes they address fixed, then there’s a chance this show can be saved. There is so much potential in that elevator pitch, but that potential has unfortunately been left to gather dust with Lorelai’s golf clubs.
Question 2. What was Fairy’s backstory?
This question gets to the big hole in the show. Fairy’s sad history is hinted at throughout — she’s the only fairy left; she has no wings; she was ‘left behind’ by all her brethren — but we never hear a ‘why’ for any of it. What happened to all the other fairies? Why is this weird schizophrenic* childish being the only fairy left in the land? Why is she so messed up? How did she get so messed up? Why can’t she think straight? Did she suffer trauma? Is she supposed to be special for surviving, or is it just dumb luck — or bad luck? How did she lose her wings? Answers to any of these questions would go far to help develop the character in interesting ways: why she’s so weird, why she’s alone, why her story deserves to be told. But we get zilch.
*not using offensively; she legitimately is portrayed as schizophrenic, displaying classic symptoms including but not limited to: hearing voices, having delusions and hallucinations, being unable to communicate effectively, having abnormal motor functioning, neglecting personal hygiene, having useless/excessive movement, exhibiting bizarre posture, &c. Which, actually, forces a Question 2b: Why is Fairy portrayed as schizophrenic???
Question 3. Why didn’t the queen sleep?
My crim law professor used to go through alleged facts and point out where something “didn’t pass the smell test”. I thought of that frequently during this show. Let’s start at the very beginning: The queen has a new baby who refuses to sleep. The entire castle’s staff is exhausted. So, the queen orders a lackey to go find a fairy to put the baby to sleep. Okay, so, if they had already gotten a doctor and the doctor couldn’t do anything – and couldn’t find anything wrong with the baby underlying the wakefulness – why not just have the staff rotate caring for the baby? I don’t buy that this self-absorbed (annoying, very panto) queen hadn’t slept. She surely would have go to bed in far away quarters each night and left her staff to watch the baby. (And also, if there’s nothing medically wrong, why turn to black magic? But that would undo the whole myth, so whatever.)
Question 4. What urged Fairy’s hex?
An interesting new aspect of this story is the notion that fairies are supposed to only ‘bless’ (give magical favors that the person being blessed actively wants), rather than ‘hex’ (put magic on a person that they don’t want). She found that the baby didn’t want to sleep, and as a result the fairy didn’t want to force the baby to sleep as that would be a hex. (Drink!) Fairy said the baby would sleep when she was tired, i.e. when she wanted to sleep. This wasn’t good enough for the royal family, and they ‘forced’ Fairy to hex the baby to sleep. The forcing made Fairy so. . . something, that she hexed the baby to sleep unendingly once she gets pricked by a thorn (until, of course, the true love’s kiss). But this huge pivotal moment of the story was rushed through so it was unclear why Fairy did such a hex. Yes she was being held captive and she was clearly stressed out, but what made her think of this specific, peculiar curse with all its random details? Why not hex the people who are actually assaulting her, capturing her? Why not put the baby to sleep then and there? Why do such a bizarre hex? Literally one line supporting her action, revealing anything about her mindset, would have been good. Her decision here is the entire foundation of this story, so it needed to be supported at least a little. I keep seeing Michael in The Good Place waving his hand and saying ‘don’t worry about it’ in response to questions.
Question 5. What happened to the staff?
The baby, Rose, grew up sheltered in an attempt to prevent her from ever being pricked by a thorn. But that day finally came when she was a teen, and she fell into her hexed sleep. Rose woke up after 100 years, ostensibly having long been alone in the castle. No one else was there. Did the existing staff really abandon this cursed princess? There was no plan put in place by previous royals to continue keeping watch over this child throughout her slumber, throughout the subsequent generations? I don’t buy that at all! That’s so irresponsible! Abolish the monarchy!
Question 6. Are the murderous thorns supposed to be funny?
The personified ‘thorns’ who pricked Rose to sleep then set about pricking every single prince who tries to enter the kingdom to lift the curse, sending them into long-term sleep as well. (Though it seems at first like straight up murder.) This whole segment is done like a creepier murdery-er version of the Oompa Loompa songs but it’s also clearly supposed to be funny. I found it so cringey. So much murderous energy. So much of an annoying song. So much time devoted to these giant murderous thorns who want to put everyone who crosses their path to sleep forever?? I hated it.
Question 7. How did Rose know wassup?
When Bert* wakes Rose up and they immediately seem to love each other, how did Rose — who has been asleep 100 years and before that lived a completely sheltered childhood to prevent the cursed (two syllables) thorn prick — seem totally in the know about love and sex and I don’t know IMMEDIATELY HAVING TWO BABIES?? She would be a total Nell ta ta, not a regular modern teen who is totally chill with becoming a teen mom with no support system.
*Question 7b. What kind of name for a prince is Bert?
Question 8. What’s going on with the music?
With each of the songs, I struggled to get a handle on what was happening. Instead of a cohesive single song (let alone cohesive score), each movement felt like different groups of small musical phrases smashed together, never coalescing into actual songs with melodies, or foundations, or points. It was a very strange chaotic experience, to think you grasp what a song sounds like and what it’s doing and then have it keep shifting away from you musically, in a lawless deranged way rather than a creative way. And there was so much of the modern pop vocalizing/shrieking/riffing instead of legitimate singing, a trend I truly despise. Of course Rosalie sounds wonderful but her talents are not given enough to work with.
Question 9. Why was the whole second act focusing on the ogre grandmother eating her grandchildren?
This was where every audience member I could see was imitating my favorite little blonde toddler girl gif, you know the one. The action shifted to focus entirely on the ogre queen wanting to eat her grandkids and being unable to control herself. Why, just so much why. Why didn’t Fairy tell Rose that the ogre was after her babies and would probably kill her too and urge her to GTFO RIGHT NOW? Instead Fairy killed some animals to trick the queen into believing she was eating the babies. Is Fairy that inept, that much a bumbling fool? It was insufferable. Why didn’t she just say RUN instead of cowering with the babies? It took a helluva lot more time to hunt down the goat and the rabbit and whatever it was (NOT great sound effects of slaughter btw, could definitely have done without that awful harrowing bullshit) than it would have to just shove the babies into the arms of their mother and shove them all out the door.
Question 10. Why don’t the book and score match up?
My biggest problem (okay they’re all the biggest) was that the book didn’t make sense on its own, and then the song lyrics didn’t match the book/action at all. It reminded me of the Broadway flop A Tale of Two Cities. In that show, this powerful supporting character spends the whole show wanting to get revenge for her brother, and then in Act II sings her big number, the main lyric of which was ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ Which had exactly zero to do with her character’s situation or the need for revenge for her brother. It was like, wtf?? That’s not what’s happening here, that’s not what you’ve been saying? I thought of that during this show.
Specific songs:
– Bert’s song was both indecipherable and also a heroic pomp-y song but in a creepy minor key. Why that key if it’s supposed to be a pump-up song? It didn’t fit to introduce the character.
– The opening song of Act II, with all the suitors singing about maybe one day finally being the one or one day it’ll be me or maybe this time or whatever, made no sense. These people also just woke up from decades being cursed asleep, and their first thought is about one day winning? getting the prize? (the princess? gross) and not about ‘oh my god where is my family, where is my home, do I not have a home anymore? how many years of my life did I miss?’ What do you mean one day it’ll be you, do you know you just woke up from like 80 years asleep? You just got a miracle second chance done on you and you’re complaining about the before times? Go see about your life, men! Make it make sense.
– The big climactic song about how everyone is different on the outside vs the inside was the greatest example of the aforementioned Tale of Two Cities illogicality. The lyrics do not reflect what had been told in the story. Rose says she’s smart on the outside? She has not lived at all and left two babies unattended for an ogre to catch! Bert says on the outside he’s seen as a hero? He hasn’t done shit heroically yet! No one thinks you’re a hero! Worst of all, the ogre who just thought she happily ate her grandbabies says that she is going to start being true to herself. BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF IS EATING BABIES! You need to work to NOT be true to yourself!!!
Question 11: Why is the promising Rose and Bert conflict treated like an afterthought?
The Rose and Bert conflict is infuriatingly done. He doesn’t believe what Rose says about his mother – that she’s an ogre and so on – and he NEVER DOES believe her, not until his mother reveals the truth herself. Yet afterward, Rose is the one to run after him to apologize, leaving her babies unattended. I mean I guess that’s all believable for an 18-year-old who just woke up but I don’t think it was presented in that way. It seemed actually presented as her needing to apologize to him, which is absolutely bonkers. And it all seemed secondary to Fairy trembling and wincing around the stage and also wanting to be friends with the ogre? When did the ogre become her best friend? See so many questions.
The most frustrating part of this show (okay it’s all the most frustrating part) is that in this climactic segment, instead of having a song about Rose and Bert’s conflict and giving some character depth and development through song as musicals are supposed to do, they give us a silly R&B song for the suitors that lifts right out. Another point in the panto column.
Question 11b: Why does Rose consider the suitors, who she never met until right now, her best friends? They have all been asleep and never met before.
I have more questions, like why is the humor geared to the lowest common denominator? why are there so many elements that evidence a favoring of panto over the musical art form? is this for kids or adults? but I’ve asked enough. With some work, it would be a decent show – it has so much promise in that premise. But it’s presented as though the creatives don’t believe in the premise and instead stuff the hours with low-grade jokes, unfinished sentences, and mere sketches of characters. Hex was unfortunately tonally confused and sloppy. I hope there is time to answer these questions before the show is set so that it can try to find its proper footing.
INFORMATION
Hex opens Wednesday December 15 at the National Theatre. At my performance, Act I ran from 7:20 to 8:38, Act II ended at 9:55. Hilariously, the placards outside the doors said the run time was 2 hours 34 minutes, a mind-boggling specificity that I will never understand the point of announcing.
