Promoting Black Voices and Stories in the Theatreby Randi / June 4, 2020Frens, as you know, the 2020 Tony Awards were supposed to be last night. Instead of this post-Tony Monday bringing you a list of my favorite moments, the best speeches, the performances that weren’t medleys (huzzah), the worst losses, and so on, I’m sharing some superlatives from Tony Awards past. All I have been doing* during quarantine, honestly, is watching old recordings of Tony broadcasts. I’ve watched like 40 years’ worth. You might be thinking that’s a weird preoccupation or even a waste of time but if you would say something that unbelievably stupid I bet you wouldn’t be reading this. Also old Tony broadcasts are the bee’s knees.
* well at least while cooking dinner, which honestly adds up for me time-wise because no matter what your 30-minute recipe! bullshit is about it will take me those 30 minutes just to chop my onions so back off
Before I get to the ridiculous categories I chose to honor, I have to mention how much the Tony Awards have changed even just since I’ve been alive. Watching old ones has been enlightening. First of all, in like the ’80s, they literally NEVER cut off long speeches! They were like you just won a Tony? Amazing job! Thank everyone you want this is important shit! You wanna pause when it seems like you’re finished but then keep going? That’s wonderful dear! I wish they were still like that. I despise cutting people off who just had their life’s work recognized. (Unless they’re reading their speech. No matter what else has changed – and everything has – prewritten speeches that winners reeeead off paperrr are THE WORRRST.) Ugh and it’s awful when the producers not only bring up the orchestra but also cut the mic. That’s just cruel, because a) it prevents any amazing Bette-style complete ignoring of the music where the winner continues to yell over it for just ever (which is usually soo fun) like ‘are you kidding me get OUT of here with that nonsense’ I adore that, and b) winners always, always save thanking their families for last. (Which is its own bullshit. Thank your fam bam before Scott Rudin you moron. If I ever won a Tony I would grab the mic and scream at the top of my lungs THANKS MOM WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING THIS IS AMAAAZING I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD WIN TONYS FOR PETTING DOGS!!!)
Also, the Best Revival categories were mixed! Plays and musicals together like the Wild West. I guess it makes sense, though; there were fewer properties to choose from back then.
Once you hit the 2000s, the award show gets obviously bigger, louder, more raucous. (Change approved.) In part thanks to Neil Patrick Harris and Hugh Jackman’s hosting abilities (how lucky we are to be alive for the 2013 opener), in part just due to times changing and people wanting more, it’s quite the contrast to watch the modern Tonys with jaw-dropping 10-minute musical number intros after you’ve seen the 1991 Tony Awards hosted by I shit you not Julie Andrews and Jeremy’s Iron, who began the show in fancy British accents and were like “Hello and welcome to the 45th Annual TOE-ny awaaaahds. What a time to celebrate being a pahht of the theatuhhhhh. Here’s the first awaaahd” and like that’s it. So calm. Adorable.
As for future Tony Awards, I hope we have them. All thanks to CBS for airing them at all (you better keep it up), but I hope in the future they realize who they’re for. They’re never going to attract new uninterested viewers, so just stop trying. Stop getting random movie stars to present awards and then billing their presence in all the commercials. Like, no non-theatre but pro-Marvel fan is going to tune in just to see one of the Chrises present Best Choreography. Have they not realized this yet? In the ’80s, all the presenters were stage luminaries and it was exciting to celebrate them in this, their one arena for that kind of acknowledgment. Let the Tonys be for actual theatre fans. Let the telecast go on as long as you can give them, and let theatre people be involved, no matter how famous they are. And have plays perform short scene! They used to do this and it WORKED! It was great! And present Book of a Musical as part of the live telecast and not just when you think Tina Fey is going to win! (Although that surprise was one of my absolute favorite things about the last decade, when the producers did decide to air Best Book on the telecast just because they thought Tina would win and then she lost to Itamar Moses omg it was so funny.)
On that note, let’s share some other memories. Some of the videos below are just the entire telecast recording so just like enjoy.
Most Fun Performance for Posterity
There’s no question about this one. What can I watch no matter how I’m feeling and just laugh my ass off? Patti LuPone singing Buenos Aires at the 1981 Tony Awards. Why? Oh my dear, because of these (fake but come on, real.) subtitles. Sure there are 100s of incredible, perfect, soaring performances I could actually have chosen for ‘best performance’, but nothing compares to this gem.
My god I just watched literally 15 seconds of this and I am screaming and shrieking from laughter. EBBA DO ME!
Best Treat that Might be Cooler than the Tony Award You Just Won
Ten years after Patti sang about the laddad rat hat, Baby Daisy Eagen won the Best Featured Actress in a Musical Tony forThe Secret Garden. Baby Daisy was only 11 years old! Obviously she was crying and overwhelmed, and presenter Audrey Hepburn came back over to her and kissed her head. It’s the sweetest little moment but I imagine it didn’t help her outsized emotions to realize that Audrey Hepburn just kissed her head. LOVES IT.
Biggest “We Should Have Known“
In 2009, Susan Sarandon presented both Best Director awards (for play and musical). We should have known she was about to come out as a piece of a nothing when, despite reading a teleprompter and you know being a professional word-sayer, she said Matthew Warchus’s name wrong like 3 times. When she announced his win it came out something like Tathy Martis. SHAME. SHAAAAME. Almost as much as the shame you should feel for being so g-d stupid about politics. Nothing bother me more for the purposes of this sentence than when people say ‘actors should stay out of politics’ – that’s just nonsense, everyone affected should have a say – but when it comes to Susan actors should stay out of politics.
Biggest “We Really Didn’t Need That But Thanks?”
In 2014, Emmy Rossum introduced the performance from Best Revival nominee Les Miserables because I guess one of the telecast producers mixed up two classics. She introduced the performance by unironically, completely sincerely describing the plot of Les Mis as if it were this new thing no one knew about, as if every fucker in that audience and at home didn’t know every single word of that show by heart since they were children. Lol I was HYSTERICAL.
Cutest Outdated Joke
In 1986, Rupert Holmes won Best Score (for Drood) and then 10 seconds later won Best Book of a Musical. In his second speech in two minutes, he quipped “Wow I hope my home VHS recording is working.” Man remember not having technology, woof. Anyway it was adorbs, and watching someone win Tonys back to back made my heart grow even bigger, another reason why they should air Best Book on the live show.
Best Slogan for Life Learned from a Speech
In 2005, the great Mike Nichols (RIP) won for directing Spamalot and in his speech he said to the losers, “Cheer up, life isn’t everything.”
Worst Change for Tony Performance But a Cute Little Coincidence Makes it Okay
One of my favorite productions ever was the 2005 The Light in the Piazza, introducing me to that gorgeous, soul-buoying score and to my queen Kelli O’Hara. But their Tony performance, hoo boy. For some reason, instead of just singing the beautiful opening song, they had Victoria Clark in character be like, ‘Hello, I’m Margaret Johnson, and this is my daughter Clara. It’s her first time in Italy!’ ahhh it was beyond cringe. But soon afterwards, Norbert Leo Butz won the Best Actor in a Musical Tony (for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels) and in his speech he thanked his daughters Clara and Maggie – the names of the LITP characters! Cute!
Best Host Sentiment Continuity Decades Apart
In 1987, host/ledge Angela Lansbury talked in her opening monologue about how during an early pre-Broadway tryout (in Philly!), she was thinking about how she didn’t belong there and how she wanted to be home in California. Later in her career, in another leading performance on a Broadway stage, she realized that she was home. She said from everyone tonight who is coming home to Broadway to celebrate, welcome to the Tonys. It felt very much like the precursor to what would be the best opening of all time – Neil Patrick Harris’s 2013 song, in which he said, to the kid in the middle of nowhere, “So we might reassure that kid, and do something to spur that kid, ‘cause I promise you, all of us up here tonight, we were that kid.”
Best Sixth Win
My other queen Audra McDonald winning her sixth Tony Award, for Best Actress in a Play for Lady Day at Emerson’s Bar & Grill, expressed more gratitude and humble appreciation and overwhelmed joy at belonging to this community than most first-time winners. What a ledge. The audience’s reaction was wonderful too. And yes, I agree that Lady Day was rightfully considered a play, as all the music was presented in a concert format.
Best Line From an Opening Number
As I’ve said, the greatest opening number of all time is NPH’s 2013 behemoth, never to be topped (it’s below ps like I’d ever write this sort of nonsense post of my thoughts and not share the vid). It continues to blow my mind every day, 7 years later, and I’m particularly OB. SESSED with this part:
Hats off to Berry Gordy
He runs Motown like a boss.
He dominates Top 40 and he banged Diana Ross!
He wrote his own libretto which is really kinda ballin’
He took every Motown classic and he said “Eh, put ’em all in!”
The audience’s shocked laughter at the Diana Ross line, my god it was AMAZING. And I just adore how Neil says “eh put all ’em all in!” It’s perfect, while also kind of a burn at how overstuffed Motown the Musical was!
A close, close second is this line later in the song, about all the children on Bway that season:
They barely come up to your knees
But God they’re singing like MVPs
And they’re the reason this whole season seems to look like Chuck E. Cheese!
If you didn’t know Lin-Manuel wrote that song, you did when you heard the assonance in that line.
Best Line from a Closing Number
Another NPH performance, this time from the end of the 2009 telecast, had the unforgettable line:
Chris Sieber! Please! Performing on your knees? Dude that only works to win Golden Globes.
Forking classic.
BEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH NEVER TO BE TOPPED
Forget his official works, Lin-Manuel’s first ever Tony win, for the score of In the Heights, is responsible in itself for a new era in musical theatre. Reminding everyone that he’s just as talented freestyle-rapping as he is with the written word, his genuinely heartfelt speech managed to on-the-fly make an unforgettable proclamation to Chris Jackson’s talents as well as an incredible reference to Sondheim’s greatest work about making art. Perfection.
MOST.
Alright, it’s time to just share the best opening of all time, the best Tony Awards celebration of all time, the best just simply, best. The 2013 opening number. I’ve watched this at least twice a week every week since 2013, so, you know, a lot, and every time it still brings me to happy tears. ENJOY!
What did I miss? What are your favorite Tony moments?
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Academy Award Predictions: Happy Oscars Everybody!
My dog Oscar chewing on an Oscar
It’s the most wonderful tiiiime of the year!!! Yes here we are again, the Academy Awards, the greatest achievement in popularity in all of entertainment, the source of agita to end all agita. What do you think will happen come Sunday night? Will “12 Years a Slave” win the big one? Will idiots who want to seem in the know award “American Hustle” the best original screenplay award for absolutely no discernible reason? Will Lupita Nyong’o cap off her incredible red carpet season with the best gown of the night, or will Cate Blanchett continue her reign as queen of everything? Here’s what I think will happen, what I want to happen, and what better not happen. Let me know what you think in the comments.
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BEST PICTURE
BEST DIRECTOR
BEST ACTOR
BEST ACTRESS
“Do you think I give two shits? I’m the coolest person there is regardless of silly awards.” 
“I am perfection.” BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
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BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
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As I said in my review of all the movies in contention, “12 Years A Slave” is the most deserving film. “Gravity” is coming in at a close second according to predictors like Nate Silver and his friends, but it wouldn’t be as deserving. The real shame here is that absence of “Saving Mr. Banks”, which was one of the best of the year, and definitely better than 7 of the 9 nominees.
Although “Gravity” is not the best picture of the year, Cuaron’s direction is a big achievement in a new phase of special effects technology. He should win this one, so long as “12 Years” wins the big one.
There were so so many great male performances this year, so someone worthy had to be snubbed. However, one of the major snubbees, like Redford, whom people said was going to win at one point for chrissakes, should have been nominated over Bale, who is always great but nothing special in “Hustle”. McConaughey surprised many by sweeping all the major awards leading up to this weekend, but so many people want to reward him for his comeback, so that’s understandable. It just sucks that his parade runs over what should have been Chiwetel’s celebration. Not that Matthew wasn’t fantastic or hell maybe even the best of the year. It just shouldn’t have been such a landslide.
While this list of leading ladies is extremely impressive (Amy Adams’s great performance is the one thing I’m willing to commend “Hustle” on, that and hairdos), Emma Thompson’s snub is atrocious. Many thought her performance was one for the ages and a strong contender for the winner, yet she’s not on this list. It could be because the category is so strong, but the overall snubbery of “Banks” is so awful that it all seems connected. Like voters got sick of people saying during recent years how the most awarded films, like “The Artist” and “Argo”, were about the industry and how the industry just likes to reward itself and pat itself on the back, so this year voters were like, “Hey, let’s not let those critics say that this year; let’s not reward this movie about the industry even though it’s one of the best of the year.” And so Emma Thompson was a casualty of that, which blows. But it doesn’t really matter, because as I said in my recap, Blanchett’s performance is SICKMAZING.
Jared Leto has so many things in his favor going into Sunday night: He’s been away from acting for freaking years, focusing on his music instead, and his first shot out of the gate is this incredible performance in a heavily lauded movie. He’s also playing a tragic, kindhearted transgender woman named Rayon, a part up there with Holocaust roles for the most likely to win Oscars. He was incredible, too, so it’s all good.
Lupita was incredible in her first major film role, and really better win. If Jennifer Lawrence wins another award this year just because people want to be her friend and want her to think they’re cool for thinking she’s cool, I’ma be real mad. Last year was her year! Not this year! Argh! Lupita! I love you!
I hope “12 Years” will take this one, but I’d be thrilled with an upset by “Before Midnight”, which had a sensational, genius script, or “Philomena”, because I’d love a Steve Coogan acceptance speech.
I loved loved “Her”, and if it’s going to win any award, best original screenplay is the one, because damn if it wasn’t the best original screenplay in years. You know what shouldn’t win? “Hustle”, which had great performances but damn if it wasn’t the most disappointing script in years.
Best movie everrrr!
HERE I STAAAAND AND HERE I’LL STAYYYY! |
Other things that should happen:
- “Gravity” should win all the visual and technical awards
- Idina Menzel should get a standing ovation
- Kerry Washington, presenter and fixer, should say something about everything being handled
- “Blackfish” should win Best Documentary on a write-in vote because it was inexplicably snubbed
- John Williams should win best score, for “The Book Thief”, for the first time in more than 20 years
- Some really drunk winner should say how the Oscars don’t really mean anything
- Host Ellen DeGeneres will make everyone laugh at good-natured, well-meaning, completely nonthreatening and non-harmful jokes
HAPPY OSCARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bye Bye Lil Sebastian: The Perfect “Parks & Rec” Finale
Parks & Recreation, the best comedy series ever, ended this past week, and I’ve only just stopped crying long enough to gather my thoughts. We had seven wonderful (well, six wonderful; the first was decent as it found its footing (remember when Tom was serious and sullen?)) seasons of hilarity and love as we watched the greatest comedy ensemble of all time gel and grow together. Every single player was indispensable and at times the funniest member of the team. Parks gave us an endless supply of amazing quotes, stories, and ideas, as well as a cast of characters both larger than life and so much a part of our lives.
The finale somehow wrapped everything up nicely while still being incredibly funny and giving us extremely exciting glimpses into the characters’ futures, one by one. It achieved this by flashing forward from their present day (2017) to little scenes taking place 6 years later, 15 years later, and nearly 30 years later, making last season’s 3-year jump forward look like child’s play.
We start in the Parks Department office, with everyone gathered in 2017 to say goodbye before Leslie, Ben, Andy, and April move to D.C. Leslie is recapping the gang’s greatest hits, yet she’s still reviewing Parks projects from 2005, hence the crew’s unbridled boredom. Two things before we go to our first flashforward, Donna’s. One: The guy who comes in about the broken swing said it’s been broken for three months. Also, he was in a suit, and looked hella creepy, like he was the understudy for the main killer guy in “The Heat”. Why didn’t anyone ask him why he waited 3 months? Did anyone else think (until the end, when it was obvious she didn’t) that Leslie hired him to give the gang a final project? Of course, even if she didn’t, someone else could have. Two: The muffins in the P&R office are ENORMOUS. Pawnee 4 eva.
Donna
First, Of COURSE Donna wouldn’t get kicked out of En Vogue. She kicked THOSE bitches out. And of course she would have been in the top ten on Italy’s Got Talent. But serving on a Nascar pit crew? I don’t see her getting dirty.
Next, how awesome did Retta make Donna over the years? She went from a cheeky background worker to one of the biggest arbiters of taste on TV and in real life. I’m so glad that she ended up with Joe, who is pretty much the best guy ever except for Ben. Keegan Michael Key should have been on the show more. He’s adorable and I’m such a fan.
Seeing Donna happily married, kicking ass in real estate and making tons of money that she used to treat both her self and her husband’s self, felt so real and so right. Underneath all the shallow interests of material things and pop culture, it’s so true that Donna is the kind of generous and awesome person who would start an educational foundation to combat awful budget cuts in public schools. ‘Teach Yo’ Self’ is so freaking wonderful and I love that we got to see Donna and Joe do something so incredible together. Also, I’m kind of ambivalent about Seattle, but if they actually built a giant haystack around the Space Needle, to try and hide it? COOLEST PROJECT EVER.
Notes:
We start in the Parks Department office, with everyone gathered in 2017 to say goodbye before Leslie, Ben, Andy, and April move to D.C. Leslie is recapping the gang’s greatest hits, yet she’s still reviewing Parks projects from 2005, hence the crew’s unbridled boredom. Two things before we go to our first flashforward, Donna’s. One: The guy who comes in about the broken swing said it’s been broken for three months. Also, he was in a suit, and looked hella creepy, like he was the understudy for the main killer guy in “The Heat”. Why didn’t anyone ask him why he waited 3 months? Did anyone else think (until the end, when it was obvious she didn’t) that Leslie hired him to give the gang a final project? Of course, even if she didn’t, someone else could have. Two: The muffins in the P&R office are ENORMOUS. Pawnee 4 eva.
Donna
First, Of COURSE Donna wouldn’t get kicked out of En Vogue. She kicked THOSE bitches out. And of course she would have been in the top ten on Italy’s Got Talent. But serving on a Nascar pit crew? I don’t see her getting dirty.
Next, how awesome did Retta make Donna over the years? She went from a cheeky background worker to one of the biggest arbiters of taste on TV and in real life. I’m so glad that she ended up with Joe, who is pretty much the best guy ever except for Ben. Keegan Michael Key should have been on the show more. He’s adorable and I’m such a fan.
Seeing Donna happily married, kicking ass in real estate and making tons of money that she used to treat both her self and her husband’s self, felt so real and so right. Underneath all the shallow interests of material things and pop culture, it’s so true that Donna is the kind of generous and awesome person who would start an educational foundation to combat awful budget cuts in public schools. ‘Teach Yo’ Self’ is so freaking wonderful and I love that we got to see Donna and Joe do something so incredible together. Also, I’m kind of ambivalent about Seattle, but if they actually built a giant haystack around the Space Needle, to try and hide it? COOLEST PROJECT EVER.
Notes:
- Who do you think runs Middle Korea?
- April is pregnant in this very first flash forward.
- “The school cut the math club – and – math.” Prescient.
Craig
Craig singing in Tom’s Bistro two years later is so perfect. I love that he and Typhoon end up together only because Craig reluctantly said, ‘Okay fine ugh.’ Ahhahaha. And Horatio Sanz married them! Ron as Typhoon’s best man was ridiculous but it still made me cry. I’m so glad that after Ron’s barber died he was able to forge this unlikely yet perfect friendship with Typhoon based on their shared hatred of Europeans.
Craig was underused in this past season, not given opportunity to be nearly as hilarious as his first few episodes on the show, when he gave us such gems as “That was so spot on, I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. NO, AN HOUR. A GOOD HOUR”, and of course his rant on behalf on Donna about different kinds of lawn: “Yes, I have a disease, it’s called caring too much??? And it’s INCURABLE!!” At least we are getting more Billy Eichner in real life, where he is exactly the same as Craig but louder.
Did you catch that the champagne Typhoon and Craig were served on that ridiculously sick airplane when they were way way old was Jean-Ralphio label? Looks like he got out of TaJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIkistan alright!
The Sapersteins
Speaking of, his faked death and insurance scam plot with his sister Mona Lisa (who’s the worrrrrrrrst) was absolutely PERFECT.
They are such awful people and it’s totally believable if not downright obvious that they would do such dumb things after we leave them.
Poor Jean-Ralphio loved Leslie the whole time, as we knew. I almost feel bad for him but not because he’s a terrible person. Whom I love. His final scene with Leslie may have been his best ever. “Will you do me one final solid…of pretending to be my wife for an insurance scam BUT THEN WE FALL IN LOVE FOR REAL?!” Hahaha I died. His face at that last part was too sweet, and then of course he ruined it by continuing: “Also can I have a pair of your gym socks it’s not for anything weird it’s just a fetish I have.” Cutting immediately to his grave after Leslie says “I hope you have a long and happy life” was super dark (and hilarious), so I’m glad that he was watching his ‘funeral’ from behind a tree with Mona Lisa and they were faking the death for, yes, an insurance scam, planning to use the money to build a casino in TaJIIIIIIIIIIIIkistan which would probably be a huge failure. But we know from Craig’s way way future that Jean-Ralphio ends up having a winery so SHA-BOOSH! for him. I hope he’s fluhusshhh with cahashhh.
April & Andy
I love how even when Andy is at his dumbest (“Shotgun!” “We’re taking the elevator.” “I GET TO PUSH THE BUTTONS! I called it!”), she always has his back (“HE CALLED IT.”). Their relationship is, like every relationship on this show, so lovely and feels so real. I am going to miss them. I really liked seeing them in D.C. still hanging out with Leslie and Ben. When we shoot to Halloween in the near future, did you notice that one of the trick-or-treaters that Andy opens the door to was dressed as Chris Pratt’s character from ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’?? How adorable is that! I’m glad we got to see Janet Snakehole, Burt Macklin, and little Champion again, even though there wasn’t enough Champion. Poor little guy is old now! “I have to ask, how many legs did the dog have when you found him?” This is still one of my favorite quotes from the entire series because, even though Ben says it, it says so much about Andy. (I also love that Chris Pratt apparently suggested that Andy’s cause of death would be being locked in a hot car. True.)
The only non-perfect thing about the entire episode was the ‘discussion’ about having children between April and Andy. Even though we already saw that April was pregnant in the first flashforward (Donna’s), their decision to have kids felt rushed. Or really nonexistent. It was very April to have her be totally on board with the stretch marks, weird veins, and puking, but not for the child part. However, her mind seemed made up against having kids; she did not seem just “on the fence” as they said. They should have made her seem more undecided, rather than so against kids, so that her eventual pregnancies don’t seem so wrong for her. It felt really strange to hear her say pretty decidedly that she didn’t want them, and then see her having one.
When we do see April in labor, I forgot that Dr. Saperstein was already an established character so for a second I thought having Henry Winkler as the ob/gyn was a reference to Friends, when the guy who delivers Phoebe’s triplets thinks he’s the Fonz. Everything makes me think of Friends! (The Parks finale was 10x better. Than any finale.)
Notes:
- SANDRA DEE O’CONNOR. Unbelievable costume! Doing it next year.
- CONES OF DUNSHIRE 2! “Gameplay magazine called it ‘punishingly intricate’.”
Tom Haverford
Tom’s meeting with his investors was so good. I love that his investors are Ben, Ron, and Donna, and that during business hours he refers to Ben as Accounting Nerd. “I’m a Congressman, man, can you at least call me Ben?” “No can do Accounting Nerd.” And OF COURSE Ben recommended adding calzones to the menu. Perfect touch!
After the complete combustion of Entertainment 720 and the downward trajectory of the initially promising Rent-A-Swag, it felt kind of strange that Tom was all of a sudden very successful. So having him fail on a larger scale than ever, only to really find success by exploiting/writing about failure, was a genius and super appropriate move.
Tom watching his depressing documentary (that he made himself!) was pathetic but typical, and he looks really cute in glasses. I’m glad that he and Lucy seem happy together despite his failings (“who knew the country would run out of beef?” Um doesn’t everyone realize this?) And it was wonderful to have Tom parlay his business failures into a successful writing and speaking career talking about failing. I loved that his 7 types of successful people were all named and modeled after the main cast members. Tear. I’m happy that he finally (I assume) gets to meet the love of his life, Kendrick Lamar.
Notes:
- The best is later on when the gang reconvenes in Pawnee and Ron says, “Tom. I took the quiz in your book. I am a Ron.” And Ben says, “Last time I took it I was a Tom!” Cue Tom’s super concerned face: “What? No! Take it again! I gotta recalibrate the quiz.”
- “What do we definitely NOT want to be?” Hundreds of audience members: “A GARRY!”
- “I had to sell my pocket square collection! Where are people’s eyes gonna be drawn to?!”
- Jerry: “I’m here with my two best friends, Leslie Knope and Tom Haverford.” Cue Tom busting into hysterical laughter.
Garry Gergich (Jerry, always)
Poor Jerry has been the victim of so much abuse during the entire series, from having his name frequently changed on him and no one ever wanting him around to being the only person Leslie Knope was mean to. All the harm just bounced off of him, but we always felt bad for Jerry even though he never felt bad about any of it. Luckily, the end of the show gave Jerry his Susan B. Anthony, like the end of Ocean’s 13 giving the airport slot wins to the poor tortured hotel reviewer. Jerry, interim mayor of Pawnee, was elected to the office officially, and then continued to be reelected for pretty much the rest of his life.
He lived to be 100, surrounded by his beautiful children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, and of course his beautiful wife Gayle (Christie Brinkley), who, in a hilarious move by the show, never aged. He died in his sleep, and his funeral allowed for several amazing things: a) a later-in-life reunion by the gang, b) the 21 stamp salute, c) his tombstone to be spelled wrong, and d) MOST IMPORTANTLY – a chance for us to see Secret Service agents guarding Old Lady Leslie and Old Man Ben!!!!
Notes:
- Brandi Maxx becomes councilwoman! Ahhhh!
- ONE OF THEM WAS PRESIDENT!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG BEST. SHOW. EVER.
Ron Swanson
In 2022, Ron spontaneously decides to resign as chairman of Very Good Building & Development Co., telling his many brothers (they’re all brothers!) not to get emotional and to give him whatever severance is fair. On the advice of accountant Ben, Ron diversifies his fortune by selling some gold and becoming, naturally, the majority shareholder of Lagavulin. He comes to Leslie at his personal crossroads, when he’s unsure what to do with the rest of his life, and it’s a lovely moment that he comes to her for help. Leslie of course will know what to do, and she just makes some calls and gets him the job of Captain Park Ranger of the Pawnee National Park, the perfect decision. Ron as big boss park ranger of the park they saved together, just yes. I love that Leslie shot down all of Ron’s doubts quickly and when he finally accepted she said “Oh I already accepted for you. I still know how to forge your signature!” As Ron breathes in his new life and canoes out into the lake, they play what we know is Ron’s favorite song ‘Buddy’. That was just mean. So many tears even on the third viewing. Just perfect.
Leslie & Ben
When their segment opens, the ‘nice house’ they are in is the White House, correct? So Biden is president in 2023? I think that’s when it was. Second term? Amazing. Also I loved Dr. Jill’s hot pink dress. I think Mindy Kaling has worn it. The DNC person approaching Leslie about running for governor of Indiana was immediately topped by the appearance of Jen (Kathryn Hahn), the greatest and most realistic political character on modern TV. She is the best. I really wish she met Jean-Ralphio. Can you imagine how amazing they’d be together?
So, what a perfect problem to give our heroes, having to decide which one of them should run for governor when they were both qualified. I like that Ben pulled the car over when they were having an important conversation so he could devote his attention to it. I adore. Leslie naturally made a pros and cons list on their home white board, and the lists were identical for each of them. They meet the whole gang back in Pawnee and plan to run the question by everyone because OH MY ANN’S HERE! YOU GUYS! ANN’S HERE! Leslie’s unbridled joy as she pushes Ben away Elaine-style to get to Ann is my favorite. But how long has it been? Please tell me they haven’t been separated for almost a decade?!
I don’t even remember what brought everyone back to Pawnee for this reunion, but it was one of the best scenes, mostly because Ann and Chris (my absolute favorite) were back, and because we saw little duos break away to talk. Leslie and Chris went into an office so Leslie could give Chris a new list of amazing things to call Ann, since the best he could come up with on his own was comparing her to a ‘nutrient-rich chia seed’ and beautiful Ann is used to the most unique and jaw-dropping of compliments. The new ones include: “Ann, you rainbow-infused space unicorn.” “Ann, you beautiful sassy mannequin come to life.” “Ann, you opalescent tree shark.” In like a 10 second scene, Chris managed to say ‘literally’ and became afraid of a new health threat: “Aren’t you afraid that thing will give you cancer?” “Well now I am.” And I love that we saw Ben and Ann talking for like 2 seconds about Cones of Dunshire and Ann looked SO bored!
I was rooting for Leslie and Ben to decide that Leslie should run for governor, so when she said let’s flip a coin to decide I got nervous. But of course super perfect Ben thought about how much he freaking loved her because who doesn’t and realized how great she is and so he decided for them that she’d run. Cut to about 12 years later, when Leslie, speaking to a graduating class at Indiana University, refers to her two terms as their governor. TEAR. She won! Twice! And the whole gang is in the audience! Screw students’ 4th relatives! But OMG the Dean announced the creation of the Leslie Knope Library! Ahahhahahahahaha! Leslie mutters under her breath, “a fucking library?” How they managed to fit so many inside jokes in this hour is just astounding.
Notes:
- ANN’S DAUGHTER IS NAMED LESLIE. Did you catch that? That’s the sweetest thing ever.
- “Ben will be running my campaign because he’s a super genius and he’s got a tight compact little body like an Italian sports car.”
So this was the best finale maybe of all time, yes? It was a genius move to just hint at the presidency, and to leave it vague whether it was Leslie or Ben. I love that you can pick who you want, but obviously it was Leslie because come on! Best ever! Leslie killed us with this line: “That’s all I want, all of these people in the same place at the same time.” US TOO.
