The Wedding Singer & London Theatre’s Jewish Problemby Randi / February 21, 2020With all the theatre we see (it’s a lot), there are only a few times when all we can say to each other at the end of a show is ‘well, shit.’ But that’s exactly what we said after the new production of The Rage of Narcissus by Sergio Blanco, a thrilling, frightening, too gory, captivating performance that’s powerful in its elusiveness and its vague metaphors but also will leave you thinking wait…what? and HOW? The dreamy abstractions were somehow effective in making us feel what we were supposed to feel (horrified?) while simultaneously being unclear in what exactly they were and why. The show is a hazy whirlwind that mixes reality and fantasy and fiction and biography into a cautionary tale of some sort. However, what it’s cautioning against is unclear, partly in the good artsy way and partly in a bit of an unsatisfying way.
The Rage of Narcissus tells the story of how Sam Crane, the adept actor, came to play Sergio Blanco, the writer, but a character version of Sergio in this not-all-true (I mean obvs) autobiographical-but-fictionalized account of his time at an academic conference in Ljubljana, which is a horribly fun word to try to type accurately. It’s an extremely meta show, with Sam-the-actor-but-also-a-characterized-version-of-himself playing Sergio-the-writer-but-fictionalized and repeatedly breaking the fourth wall to tell us the ‘truth’ about the story’s events outside how he’s presenting it that there are really no remnants of a fourth wall to be found once the show begins. The construction of this production, with its great use of video and lighting, is one of the most distinguishing aspects of it, intriguing and mind-bending and ensuring that what’s happening onstage is never boring, often super funny, and always interesting.
And while clearly, in a show of this title (it’s a good title, as we’re told in the meta discussion of how Sam and Sergio came to land on it), you’d assume it’s about the pitfalls of narcissistic tendencies, they didn’t add up to enough to demand the action that occurs. That vagueness of what the what and huh why is fun for the artistic experience, but not so fun to wrap your head around afterwards. In a show that ostensibly deals with narcissism, vanity, ego, selfishness, something along those lines, the punishment for these traits is neither justified nor doled out to the representation of those traits. That would be the character Igor, the clear narcissist in the story, though he’s not the victim of it. Is he even real? (What’s GOING ON.) To punish the more obvious narcissist may be too easy, sure, and it is interesting to reflect on how Sam’s Sergio and Sam himself showed flickers of the ego-driven behaviors to be warned against, but it feels like a bit of a stretch to rely on that for the result and/or whatever message we’re to take from it. There are also the jabs at the selfishness of our society at large, represented by the few and far between but still jarring interjections about genuine global tragedies, which seemed too fragmentary to be meaningful.
And so the representation of the punishment just seems wrong, and disturbing, and disturbance just for its own sake and not for any good reason isn’t good enough. The particular scene where we find out what actually happened in Sergio’s hotel room in excruciating detail is unnecessarily gory. It added nothing and risked cheapening the work from being a sophisticated thriller to being akin to a low-grade snuff film.
Aside from that part (and the fact that if you had to drink every time you heard the line “and then we began to f*&k”, you would die from alcohol poisoning), it was still an enjoyably riveting show, with Crane giving a pretty fantastic performance. This show raises a bunch of interesting questions, throwing threads of ideas into the ether, although not fully holding on to one. I appreciate when good art is more about emotions than facts, but this started to veer a little too far into “don’t think about it too hard, too too hard” territory for me. However, it was never boring, and it’s very provocative, which is a great accomplishment for new weird theatre.
INFORMATION
The one act show is about 100 minutes (not the 90 billed). The lobby and bar were so packed I had trouble leaving the building, which isn’t a great feeling. Seats are unreserved so get there early for an aisle, but there are no bad seats. Bathrooms are gender neutral with about 3-5 stalls/cubicles each, downstairs in the bar area.
The show runs at the Pleasance Theatre (near Caledonian Road station) until March 8.
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Anything ANYthing ANYTHING GOOOOES at the Barbican is Pure Silly Joy
In 2011, the absolute ledge Sutton Foster gave us the definitive Reno Sweeney in the definitive production of Anything Goes, directed and choreographed by Kathleen Marshall in a way that warned anyone who tried to do it differently in the future to buzz off, Bambadjan. Heeding that warning, I imagine this is what happened to get this production back in action: the peeps at the Barbican were like ‘we want a new production of Anything Goes!’ and everyone was like ‘you can’t beat the 2011 Broadway revival!’ and the Barbican was like ‘so let’s just do that one!’ and everyone was like ‘ok cool but it really needs Sutton Foster too’ and Barbs was like ‘ok let’s get her!’ and everyone was like ‘can she still do it it’s been 10 years’ and Barbs was like ‘let’s ask’ and Sutton and the rest of the conscious world was like ‘of course she can still do it and probably better than ever she’s Sutton Foster for chrissakes!’ and I was like OH MY GOOD GOD I GET TO SEE MY FAVORITE THING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! /end scene. (Yes I know it was originally supposed to be Megan Mullally and Sutton came in last minute but Megan would have been more of a Patti LuPone Reno and we cannot go back to those tapless days.)
Now I realize if you search ‘this is my favorite thing!’ in the search box at the top of this site, almost every single post of the thousands I’ve written will come up (barring everything from Mongolia and Mamet) but this is truly one of my faves. By ‘this’ of course I mean Marshall’s incredible, jaw-droppingly amazing 10-minute tap extravaganza of the title song that ends Act I. Me and Jonathan Groff are literally the same person (not literally (or figuratively (we just have this in common) and our love of Lin)) because we were both so obsessed with this number that we learned the whole darn thing, step-by-step, day-by-day, hilarious-Sutton-inflection-by-hilarious-Sutton-inflection.
Literally all of this is chiselled in my mind grapes forever. Okay so I can’t actually DO it, mind you, but I KNOW it, okay.
No matter what the rest of the show is, no matter who the rest of this London cast was going to be, I was in. I was going to see Sutton do this again. I remember every time I saw it on Broadway sitting in shocked excited silence as the curtain came down at intermission, which you KNOW is huge because you know I had to pee. So even though it is still a pandemic, which no one at the Barbican seems to realize, I was going to double mask and double down on seeing my favorite tap number of all time.
Even if the rest of the show was garbage and the rest of the cast was weak, it would still be worth it because that number is just as strong as ever. But fortunately the rest of the show is just as good (mostly) and the rest of the cast is wonderful (mostly).
Before we saw this production, husbo asked me what Anything Goes was about, and even though I know it so well, I really didn’t know how to answer besides to say it’s a lot of silly fun and lots of tapping and that’s all that matters.’ And he was like ‘come on’ and I was like ‘okay it’s like a cruise ship and there’s all these characters like gangsters and fake priests and rich old ladies and a boring debutante and Yale men and Richard you’re a Yale man and your father was a Yale man well we want Rory to be whatever kind of man she wants..I’ve gotten off track.’
The Barbican production was funnier than I remember, truly. ‘Anything Goes’ is a classic Cole Porter romp in which Sutton Foster is a famous New York singer (true!) who loves men, and loves-ish one in particular, her good friend who for some reason doesn’t want to marry her (not believable!) but wants instead to marry the most boring drip of a socialite girl named Hope (also not believable! men hate boring!) who is engaged to a rich British man who seems boring but actually isn’t, but Hope and her mom need his money so they aren’t ruined. So there’s like a sort of love triangle in there among the endless comic antics, but it doesn’t truly matter because you’re just laughing the whole time (except when Hope sings). The physical comedy of this production is endlessly hysterical, and the hundo p Porteresque double entendres and asides and references squeezed into every inch of the show are hilarious (and risque!!) as ever. And no matter how often you see this show, you are still (well I am) surprised at just how many classic Porter songs it features. Of course the title song, and the close second-best number ‘Blow Gabriel Blow’, but also “I Get a Kick Out of You’, ‘Delovely’ (I always forget Delovely!), ‘You’re the Top’, so many! At the Barbican, I found ‘You’re the Top’ even funnier and more enjoyable than ever, poss/prob because Sutton has become so much more comfortable and can mine all the humor possible. Her jovial Billy Crocker, Samuel Edwards, was a great match for her and the two were having an obvious blast with the endless Dad joke lyrics of this song. I love this song because I can never remember any of the actual lyrics. When I sing it it’s like, “You’re the Rockford Peaches, that kid from Beaches…you’re cellophane” or “There’s something startin’/It’s John McMartin…you’re cellophane.” That cellophane lyric really sticks. I don’t like that Sutton still has the harmony on the final line because her voice cuts through EVERYTHING so you mainly hear her kind of weird harmony sounding like the leading vocal instead of the melody line but WHO CARES.
Although the 2011 cast (I will never stop regaling this perfect production, sorry) was definitive (that’s the word of the day/show) cannot be beat — you had muhfucking Joel Grey, Jessica Walter (RIPYAL), Colin Donnell, John McMartin (it wasn’t just random before!), Adam Godley, all absolute perfection — this cast was very enjoyable. It’s not definitive in every single way like the prevs were because that’s not possible, but the all did a fine job. I think the show’s pacing would be improved by cutting the gd blue bird song in Act II – if you don’t have Joel Grey doing it there’s no reason to suffer through it (even with Joel it was a stretch!). Haydn Oakley as Lord Oakleigh (omg is that why they hired him??) was good fun but Adam Godley was just a bit more silly and joyous (and made that ‘gypsy in me’ song funnier…which btw they REALLY need to update. Just change it to Spanish or something instead of Gypsy; it’s already totally a Spanish dance). And Hope was fine, perfectly serviceable but not a standout. I am spoiled by how perfect Laura Osnes (RIP) (she’s not dead just dead to me) was in the role, because come on — a beautiful and angelic-sounding but dull as dishwater debutante with zero character development or depth who just has to sound lovely and move gracefully and be as deep as a sheet of looseleaf? OSNES TO A TEE!
It really doesn’t matter what little qualms I have because it’s the best, it’s so much fun, it’s de-lovely. Marshall’s production is a joy to watch. It’s still way too long – like 2 hours 45 which is kind of pushing the rompness of a romp – but it’s hard to know what hilarious bits you could possibly live without (just kidding it’s the blue bird song and the THREATS TO THE DOG, OVVIAMENTE). Sutton has now left, because she has to go be Marion the Librarian on Broadway and I hope prove to everyone (including me) that she actually will be right for that part, and Rachel York has filled her shoes. I guess Rachel can tap? Awesome. Regardless, so fun, so joy, so wow. Loves it.
What is NOT FUN or joy or wow is the Barbican’s compleeeete laaaaack of caring that we are still in a pandemic. This was by far the worst showing for masks/caring we had ever seen (until this past weekend’s show; look out for a post on that later this week). They recommend that people wear masks, but unless and until staffers actually enforce an actual mask mandate, no one is going to wear one. I really wish that ushers would a) be visible anywhere and b) legit kick people out if you can see their noses. I honestly would volunteer my time to do the kicking out. Ugh it was really bad. I especially loved the unmasked family with two teens (too young to be vaxed at that time!) coughing the entire time. I’m not going to say RIP for the third time in this post but you know I’m thinking it. DO BETTER, BARBICAN AND EVERY LONDON THEATRE.
‘Bayside! The Musical’ in London: Did They Even Have ‘Saved By The Bell’ Here?
It’s Theatre Tuesday! We get an extra day to talk about theatre this week because ‘Bayside! The Musical’ opens tonight at The Other Palace in London but closes Saturday!
“Bayside is a school that’s cool and you know that it’s true! The girls are the cutest and the guys are the hippest too – oooh ooh ooh!!!” If that means anything to you – or better yet, if you heard it with Zack’s lemon juice-afflicted squeaking – then ‘Bayside! The Musical’ is the fun, silly as heck romp meant especially for you. If you have no idea what’s going on, you might enjoy seeing this new-to-London show, but not nearly as much. Unless you like truly vulgar, over-the-top raunch; then you will also like it a lot.
“Bayside is a school that’s cool and you know that it’s true! The girls are the cutest and the guys are the hippest too – oooh ooh ooh!!!” If that means anything to you – or better yet, if you heard it with Zack’s lemon juice-afflicted squeaking – then ‘Bayside! The Musical’ is the fun, silly as heck romp meant especially for you. If you have no idea what’s going on, you might enjoy seeing this new-to-London show, but not nearly as much. Unless you like truly vulgar, over-the-top raunch; then you will also like it a lot.
‘Bayside! The Musical’, presented by National Lampoon productions, sillily lampoons the American national treasure ‘Saved by the Bell’ and the goofy characters we know so well. It opens tonight after a weekend of previews, which I saw the first one of. Seeing it is like being with old friends from childhood who you just want to mock mercilessly. And hoo boy, is it merciless. Created by Bob and Tobly McSmith (no typos in there, p.s.) (I know) (Tobly) (Tobly) (I can’t stop saying it) (the word has lost all meaning), ‘Bayside!’ focuses its semi-well-meaning ridicule on the aspects of the show that made no sense and suggests new takes on the show that make so much sense – like Slater being gay and in love with Zack. Perfection!
Showing this week at London’s The Other Palace Theatre in the Victoria section of town, ‘Bayside!’ is downstairs in the Studio, which I never knew existed despite having been to TOP like 50 times. It’s a tiny crowded black-box style room, with a tiny stage that has barely enough room for the prop ‘table’ (it’s a piano that goes unused) let alone for sets. The actors enter and exist through the aisle between audience members. It’s open seating (first come first get the best seats) and there’s a bar like right there. So, all of this adds to the very informal vibe of ‘we’re seeing high schoolers put on this little show they worked on so hard all semester’. And of course no, this is professional, but if you pretend it’s by high schoolers it’s a lot more impressive.
Regardless of how amateur it seems (and many of the actors’ skills do reinforce that impression), it doesn’t really matter. If you just watched a few eps of ‘Saved by the Bell’ when you were young, you’ll be all in for all the inside jokes and references that remind you of how bonkers this sitcom was, especially considering it was meant for children, and you’ll have a blast. The cast includes actors for each of the main 6 – Zack, Kelly, Slater, Jessie, Lisa, Screech – plus two ‘extras’ who play all the other necessary parts (Belding, Tori, Chief Henry’s ghost) and are truly the most impressive and most hilarious of the bunch. Their improved-seeming vamps during scene changes are some of the funniest parts. Ben Campbell (a great Zack) is the only American in the bunch so there were some odd attempts at the accent but I didn’t even care I was having such fun.
This parody is indeed a musical, and while you might be expecting to hear international Grammy-winning hits by the Zack Attack, or more of those school songs like I began with, they’re all original tunes, like about how Kelly is poor or about how there’s nothing sexual about the girls’ sleepover. They’re not great songs, and the lyrics often get tired, but they’re funny and their foundations are clever. Oh there is one familiar song, of course – Hot Sunday’s “Get Down and Break a Sweat”, which even in a parody show can never be as hilarious as seeing the real thing. Although, it was a nice touch to comment that yes, this pointless music video, clearly occurring just to show the girls in their underwear, did indeed air during Saturday morning children’s programming.
The best part by far was its take on two specific characters. The first is playing AC Slater as not only gay, but super raging into Zack, always trying to get Preppy into compromising situations – like he gets when he wrestles, which is why he’s the star wrestler. Every single line out of Slater’s mouth would be something dirty directed at Preppy. Almost as genius was the roadkill-looking wig the actor was wearing to resemble the young Mario Lopez. But the best take on a character, and the best most brilliant aspect of the show by far, was their portrayal of Tori Scott. Those real fans out there will remember Tori as the new girl character introduced during the ghost season – a season with absolutely no sense of time or space as relating to the other seasons, with no regard to what had happened before or where the kids were in school by this time (hint: they had already graduated), and with no mention of what happened to Jessie or Kelly, who had left the show after their characters graduated in the previous season. You know, you think ‘high school show’, you think ‘out after graduation’, so Tiffani and Lizzie bounced, but the Tori years, my goodness, were just like they were back in a second go at junior year, with proms and everything. It was amazing, and the best part was that Tori was kind of butch and badass and honestly was the Slater that Mario Lopez, and the creators, wished he could be. So of course ‘Bayside!’ had the male extra actor play Tori – a lot – by throwing an enormous blonde curly wig on and speaking with an even deeper voice than his real one. Also, this Tori had a parole officer and a bad past, and she frequently referred to her needing to score dope (but there’s no hope with dope!). It was BRILLIANT and honestly that portrayal, by William Hazell, is my top reason why fans should go see this show. I’m cracking up just thinking about it.
Another worthy take on a character was that of Violet, the super nerdy girl that Screech falls for, or that falls for Screech really, during the chorus-focused episode (The One Where They’re All Suddenly in Chorus). Violet was played by Tori Spelling because her dad owned everyone and everything and one day she was like ‘Daddy I want to be on ‘Saved by the Bell’ all my friends watch it’ and Aaron was like ‘ugh okay but you’re so annoying that I’m going to make you a love interest for Screech’. So this Violet, played by female extra Roann McCloskey (I want to say one of the few who could carry a tune?), wasn’t referred to as Violet but as Tori Spelling, because that’s really what it was, just Tori Spelling wanting to be on TV. It was a little bit overplayed (she’s in this production A LOT for someone who I think had just one episode! (memorable though it may be)), but still pretty funny overall.
One part that wasn’t overplayed and I wish they did more with it was having Lisa not know that she’s black. She never ever talks about it and no one ever mentions it on the show; it’s as whitewashed as possible while still having the actress be black. It sort of makes sense, because Lisa was originally supposed to be a JAP from Long Island (omg can I just say I am SO HAPPY that she wasn’t; can you imagine having to deal with the awful stereotypes that the shitty writers would have constantly repeated?) and so after Lark Voorhies was cast the lazy writers didn’t really change too much about the character although they were ‘supposed’ to alter her a little. So her blackness was ignored, not out of a sense of ‘oh her friends don’t see color’ but more of a ‘oh let’s just pretend she has no cultural identity of her own.’ So here, they comment on that near-erasure by having someone tell Lisa that she’s black and having her react to it. Oh my god this was hilarious and they could have done sooo much more with it. Her rap about white people things is good, and just made me want to see more as this was the one almost-sophisticated take about the whole show.
Like the jokes, the musical numbers have glimmers of brilliance but can get a little wearisome. They repeat a lot of the lyrics over and over and lose the humor that way. But the brilliant parts are what I’ll remember. The funniest song is when Kelly blithely sings about ‘Trapper Keeper Boner Hiders’, as all the boys in school have to carry their famous ‘90s binders when they see her. And my favorite rhyme in the whole show is the Act I closer, when they ask “Will Zack and Kelly be reunited? Will Jessie be…so excited?” As expected, there is a lot, maybe too much, about Jessie’s infamous caffeine pill addiction, but come on, you can’t NOT talk about that when the topic of ‘Saved by the Bell’ comes up. The most genius use of this storyline happens to be my favorite part of the whole show – but one that not many people understood, which is so sad to me as a musical theatre fanatic. So Jessie is up there on the dark stage all alone, with just a single spotlight illuminating her. The music starts to vamp, a very familiar measure of music, and Jessie quietly sings ‘Why did I do it…’ and I CACKLED. I laughed so loud and hard that people turned to look at me, people who OBVIOUSLY aren’t musical theatre fans or they would have recognized that part of Rose’s Turn from ‘Gypsy’ and joined me in recognizing how brilliant it was to use this here. SO BRILLIANT! I can’t get over it. It’s too bad the actress playing Jessie wasn’t too strong of a vocalist because I mean this is the pinnacle of musical theatre numbers and it’s kind of mean to give it to someone who is weak but still oh man this was the best ever.
Although I laughed regularly the whole time, this extra-hysterical reaction of mine was matched, almost, by one other part of the show. At the end, Screech gets struck by lightning and predicts the future. He says Jessie will do a movie that ‘shows her boobies’ and destroy her career (true), Zack will date a homeless girl (also true), and then he turns to Lisa and says ‘YOUR FACE IS GOING TO MELT OFF.’ Oh my god I died! If you have seen a picture of Lark Voorhies in the past decade you know why this is so funny and so unbelievably mean. It’s awful but I can’t stop laughing! Lisa looks concerned and says ‘my face?’ and Screech continues ‘Yes. Your face is going to melt off, it’s going to melt right off of your body.’ I couldn’t breathe.
All the fun and clever bits are sometimes overshadowed by the vulgar sex jokes, which are funny at first when you have a show this silly but it really truly goes overboard. We were the youngest people in the audience and there were all these stuffy white-haired British people sitting there and listening to really disgusting descriptions of the most crude stuff you could ever imagine and it was suuuupes aaaawk. Some of it was funny, but a good 70% of that material could be cut and the show would be better for it. There’s so much brilliance to mine in mocking this show as is; there’s no need to resort to penis jokes every other minute.
But as I shared above (oh, spoiler alert retroactively sorry), there’s plenty of hilarity going on, and fans will rejoice at an endless treasure trove of references. There’s Zack constantly stopping time with his ‘Time-outs!’, there’s Screech dressing as an old lady and having noooo one question that he is one, as happened on the show more than once. There’s shout-outs to Chief Henry (remember when Zack befriended an Indian chief?????) and Miss Bliss. There’s constant talk about how Kelly is poor, like so much. And there’s even a comment about the gang going to Hawaii, where Kelly’s grandfather lives. Remember that nonsense?? When for four or so episodes the whole gang just up and went to Hawaii for like a month? Because Kelly’s grandfather owned a hotel there? And Kelly fell for a lawyer who was trying to steal her grandfather’s business even though she was what 17 at best and the lawyer had to be at least 25 and NO ONE EVER MENTIONED how this was illegal??? Ahhhhhhhh! OMG I just found out that Kelly’s grandfather was played by Dean Jones! Dean Jones as in the original Bobby in Sondheim’s ‘Company’! Oh man writing about this show is taking me on such a roller coaster of emotions I really must stop.
‘Bayside! The Musical’ would have benefited from a good edit, but it’s overall such a funny parody of our beloved sitcom that it’s worth seeing, especially if you remember watching the show more than 20 years ago (I know) and being like, ‘wait, what?’
Showing this week at London’s The Other Palace Theatre in the Victoria section of town, ‘Bayside!’ is downstairs in the Studio, which I never knew existed despite having been to TOP like 50 times. It’s a tiny crowded black-box style room, with a tiny stage that has barely enough room for the prop ‘table’ (it’s a piano that goes unused) let alone for sets. The actors enter and exist through the aisle between audience members. It’s open seating (first come first get the best seats) and there’s a bar like right there. So, all of this adds to the very informal vibe of ‘we’re seeing high schoolers put on this little show they worked on so hard all semester’. And of course no, this is professional, but if you pretend it’s by high schoolers it’s a lot more impressive.
Regardless of how amateur it seems (and many of the actors’ skills do reinforce that impression), it doesn’t really matter. If you just watched a few eps of ‘Saved by the Bell’ when you were young, you’ll be all in for all the inside jokes and references that remind you of how bonkers this sitcom was, especially considering it was meant for children, and you’ll have a blast. The cast includes actors for each of the main 6 – Zack, Kelly, Slater, Jessie, Lisa, Screech – plus two ‘extras’ who play all the other necessary parts (Belding, Tori, Chief Henry’s ghost) and are truly the most impressive and most hilarious of the bunch. Their improved-seeming vamps during scene changes are some of the funniest parts. Ben Campbell (a great Zack) is the only American in the bunch so there were some odd attempts at the accent but I didn’t even care I was having such fun.
This parody is indeed a musical, and while you might be expecting to hear international Grammy-winning hits by the Zack Attack, or more of those school songs like I began with, they’re all original tunes, like about how Kelly is poor or about how there’s nothing sexual about the girls’ sleepover. They’re not great songs, and the lyrics often get tired, but they’re funny and their foundations are clever. Oh there is one familiar song, of course – Hot Sunday’s “Get Down and Break a Sweat”, which even in a parody show can never be as hilarious as seeing the real thing. Although, it was a nice touch to comment that yes, this pointless music video, clearly occurring just to show the girls in their underwear, did indeed air during Saturday morning children’s programming.
The best part by far was its take on two specific characters. The first is playing AC Slater as not only gay, but super raging into Zack, always trying to get Preppy into compromising situations – like he gets when he wrestles, which is why he’s the star wrestler. Every single line out of Slater’s mouth would be something dirty directed at Preppy. Almost as genius was the roadkill-looking wig the actor was wearing to resemble the young Mario Lopez. But the best take on a character, and the best most brilliant aspect of the show by far, was their portrayal of Tori Scott. Those real fans out there will remember Tori as the new girl character introduced during the ghost season – a season with absolutely no sense of time or space as relating to the other seasons, with no regard to what had happened before or where the kids were in school by this time (hint: they had already graduated), and with no mention of what happened to Jessie or Kelly, who had left the show after their characters graduated in the previous season. You know, you think ‘high school show’, you think ‘out after graduation’, so Tiffani and Lizzie bounced, but the Tori years, my goodness, were just like they were back in a second go at junior year, with proms and everything. It was amazing, and the best part was that Tori was kind of butch and badass and honestly was the Slater that Mario Lopez, and the creators, wished he could be. So of course ‘Bayside!’ had the male extra actor play Tori – a lot – by throwing an enormous blonde curly wig on and speaking with an even deeper voice than his real one. Also, this Tori had a parole officer and a bad past, and she frequently referred to her needing to score dope (but there’s no hope with dope!). It was BRILLIANT and honestly that portrayal, by William Hazell, is my top reason why fans should go see this show. I’m cracking up just thinking about it.
Another worthy take on a character was that of Violet, the super nerdy girl that Screech falls for, or that falls for Screech really, during the chorus-focused episode (The One Where They’re All Suddenly in Chorus). Violet was played by Tori Spelling because her dad owned everyone and everything and one day she was like ‘Daddy I want to be on ‘Saved by the Bell’ all my friends watch it’ and Aaron was like ‘ugh okay but you’re so annoying that I’m going to make you a love interest for Screech’. So this Violet, played by female extra Roann McCloskey (I want to say one of the few who could carry a tune?), wasn’t referred to as Violet but as Tori Spelling, because that’s really what it was, just Tori Spelling wanting to be on TV. It was a little bit overplayed (she’s in this production A LOT for someone who I think had just one episode! (memorable though it may be)), but still pretty funny overall.
One part that wasn’t overplayed and I wish they did more with it was having Lisa not know that she’s black. She never ever talks about it and no one ever mentions it on the show; it’s as whitewashed as possible while still having the actress be black. It sort of makes sense, because Lisa was originally supposed to be a JAP from Long Island (omg can I just say I am SO HAPPY that she wasn’t; can you imagine having to deal with the awful stereotypes that the shitty writers would have constantly repeated?) and so after Lark Voorhies was cast the lazy writers didn’t really change too much about the character although they were ‘supposed’ to alter her a little. So her blackness was ignored, not out of a sense of ‘oh her friends don’t see color’ but more of a ‘oh let’s just pretend she has no cultural identity of her own.’ So here, they comment on that near-erasure by having someone tell Lisa that she’s black and having her react to it. Oh my god this was hilarious and they could have done sooo much more with it. Her rap about white people things is good, and just made me want to see more as this was the one almost-sophisticated take about the whole show.
Like the jokes, the musical numbers have glimmers of brilliance but can get a little wearisome. They repeat a lot of the lyrics over and over and lose the humor that way. But the brilliant parts are what I’ll remember. The funniest song is when Kelly blithely sings about ‘Trapper Keeper Boner Hiders’, as all the boys in school have to carry their famous ‘90s binders when they see her. And my favorite rhyme in the whole show is the Act I closer, when they ask “Will Zack and Kelly be reunited? Will Jessie be…so excited?” As expected, there is a lot, maybe too much, about Jessie’s infamous caffeine pill addiction, but come on, you can’t NOT talk about that when the topic of ‘Saved by the Bell’ comes up. The most genius use of this storyline happens to be my favorite part of the whole show – but one that not many people understood, which is so sad to me as a musical theatre fanatic. So Jessie is up there on the dark stage all alone, with just a single spotlight illuminating her. The music starts to vamp, a very familiar measure of music, and Jessie quietly sings ‘Why did I do it…’ and I CACKLED. I laughed so loud and hard that people turned to look at me, people who OBVIOUSLY aren’t musical theatre fans or they would have recognized that part of Rose’s Turn from ‘Gypsy’ and joined me in recognizing how brilliant it was to use this here. SO BRILLIANT! I can’t get over it. It’s too bad the actress playing Jessie wasn’t too strong of a vocalist because I mean this is the pinnacle of musical theatre numbers and it’s kind of mean to give it to someone who is weak but still oh man this was the best ever.
Although I laughed regularly the whole time, this extra-hysterical reaction of mine was matched, almost, by one other part of the show. At the end, Screech gets struck by lightning and predicts the future. He says Jessie will do a movie that ‘shows her boobies’ and destroy her career (true), Zack will date a homeless girl (also true), and then he turns to Lisa and says ‘YOUR FACE IS GOING TO MELT OFF.’ Oh my god I died! If you have seen a picture of Lark Voorhies in the past decade you know why this is so funny and so unbelievably mean. It’s awful but I can’t stop laughing! Lisa looks concerned and says ‘my face?’ and Screech continues ‘Yes. Your face is going to melt off, it’s going to melt right off of your body.’ I couldn’t breathe.
All the fun and clever bits are sometimes overshadowed by the vulgar sex jokes, which are funny at first when you have a show this silly but it really truly goes overboard. We were the youngest people in the audience and there were all these stuffy white-haired British people sitting there and listening to really disgusting descriptions of the most crude stuff you could ever imagine and it was suuuupes aaaawk. Some of it was funny, but a good 70% of that material could be cut and the show would be better for it. There’s so much brilliance to mine in mocking this show as is; there’s no need to resort to penis jokes every other minute.
But as I shared above (oh, spoiler alert retroactively sorry), there’s plenty of hilarity going on, and fans will rejoice at an endless treasure trove of references. There’s Zack constantly stopping time with his ‘Time-outs!’, there’s Screech dressing as an old lady and having noooo one question that he is one, as happened on the show more than once. There’s shout-outs to Chief Henry (remember when Zack befriended an Indian chief?????) and Miss Bliss. There’s constant talk about how Kelly is poor, like so much. And there’s even a comment about the gang going to Hawaii, where Kelly’s grandfather lives. Remember that nonsense?? When for four or so episodes the whole gang just up and went to Hawaii for like a month? Because Kelly’s grandfather owned a hotel there? And Kelly fell for a lawyer who was trying to steal her grandfather’s business even though she was what 17 at best and the lawyer had to be at least 25 and NO ONE EVER MENTIONED how this was illegal??? Ahhhhhhhh! OMG I just found out that Kelly’s grandfather was played by Dean Jones! Dean Jones as in the original Bobby in Sondheim’s ‘Company’! Oh man writing about this show is taking me on such a roller coaster of emotions I really must stop.
‘Bayside! The Musical’ would have benefited from a good edit, but it’s overall such a funny parody of our beloved sitcom that it’s worth seeing, especially if you remember watching the show more than 20 years ago (I know) and being like, ‘wait, what?’
