London Has a New Restaurant Called 'Bubala' and Obvs I Love Itby Randi / February 17, 2020The riveting new work Everywoman finally offers a worthy counterpart to the classic 15th century morality play Everyman. Well, not ‘counterpart’ so much as ‘play that actually reflects the human condition and not just male whining’ (see e.g. Philip Roth). This short, powerful one-woman show runs the gamut of emotions, possibilities, and traumas around procreating, from abortion to miscarriage to loss to whether to bear and/or raise children at all. As Everyman’s author is ‘anonymous’, so too has the real writer behind this new work remained anonymous, so that it can be considered everyone’s story. And although it’s woman-driven storytelling, and radically so, I can’t think of one kind of person who wouldn’t feel seen by this. Sure the only full-fledged production of Everyman I’ve seen was the weird modernized take that took place mainly in a night club and infuriated me, but this Everywoman is the one that deserves the ‘universal’ status, despite the failure of the powers that be to ever attribute that to women’s work.
Obviously, there are content warnings to this show like never before. Take Dear Evan Hansen’s suicide content warning but for everything related to pregnancy and children and multiply that level by a solid thousand. The show follows the child-facing decisions of its sole performer, a captivating Jade Williams, at various points in her life when she has been pregnant, or wanted to be pregnant, or didn’t want to be, and how she felt during all of it. It also has a great deal of what I consider Next to Normal backstory about potential child loss, which was very well done and stressful and harrowing. I don’t know if anyone who has faced this sort of unspeakable loss would be able to make it through this section. The tiny room, the sole performer right there, baring her soul, it all creates such an intimacy that was breathtaking and so powerful that it was often distressing.
Despite repeatedly saying “I am Jade Williams and…” (a few too many times, perhaps, at least in the last section), this isn’t actually our fine performer’s story, and what of it actually happened to the actual writer is unclear too – but what’s the ‘truth’ is not relevant. It’s all truth, it’s all experiences that have happened to so many people and that’s what matters, not determining which parts were autobiographical on the anonymous writer’s part. Kind of missing the point chief!
The first section, with its frequent blackouts separating short, often funny statements, is cleverly done, setting a sarcastic and humorous tone but announcing how dark and real things would get. The second section, or chapter, as we learn more about this ‘Jade’ and her relationship and experiences, is a sharp contrast but equally brilliant in its ruthless openness. With sensitive and elegant direction by Amelia Sears, the tiny show accomplishes so much with effective minimal staging – a bathtub, buckets of water (that seemed to stay hot?? how!), candles (my god the candles). The final section, as Jade explains that it’s not exactly her actual life she’s been recounting, feels unnecessary since this is all about being universal tales, and so lost the tiniest bit of the magic. But overall, something this real and candid and, yes, universal is a triumph of honest storytelling.
INFORMATION
Hey yo Ev (what husbo p and I call Everyman because of that godawful Chiwetel production so I guess it’s what we’ll call Everywoman too) plays at the Bunker Theatre until Saturday Feb 22. The show is just under an hour (at press night was about 57 minutes). After a ten minute break, there is an approximately 20-minute confession by a different writer/performer every night. These confessions are private and not up for review, so I’ll simply say that I am still blown away by the clever writing and ingenuity of the one I was lucky enough to hear.
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“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”: Season 2, Episodes 3 & 4!
Sooo many amazing lines! Let’s jump right in!
The third episode might not have been as solid overall as #2, but oh my goodness was it chockfull of quotable lines! So many video clips to share here! But at times, the episode felt disjointed, full of hilarious jokes but not great story arcs. It was more like ways to shoehorn jokes into one script. But what great jokes!
Jacqueline has ended her search for a fabulous apartment, sort of – she found a sick place but can only afford rent for a few months. She has her $11.5 million painting on the wall and a ludicrously expensive carpet below it, and well that is it for furniture! Well aside from “those Philippe Starck ghost chairs” she points to (empty space, amazing). Hasn’t she ever heard of Ikea? The best is when Kimmy falls on the carpet, gets yelled at by Jacqueline who says how much it cost ($30,000), leading Kimmy to roll long-ways off the carpet while apologizing to it. Although Jacq is in dire straits, she still is paying top dollar for Abattoir, the doggie, to get the best dog massage in Manhattan (courtesy of Broadway’s Derek Klena! This show is the new Law & Order for Broadway performers). “This is Abattoir? I thought you two were sisters!” the masseur says to Jacqueline, like it’s a compliment to look like a dog’s sister.
EPISODE 3: Kimmy Goes to a Play!
The third episode might not have been as solid overall as #2, but oh my goodness was it chockfull of quotable lines! So many video clips to share here! But at times, the episode felt disjointed, full of hilarious jokes but not great story arcs. It was more like ways to shoehorn jokes into one script. But what great jokes!
Jacqueline has ended her search for a fabulous apartment, sort of – she found a sick place but can only afford rent for a few months. She has her $11.5 million painting on the wall and a ludicrously expensive carpet below it, and well that is it for furniture! Well aside from “those Philippe Starck ghost chairs” she points to (empty space, amazing). Hasn’t she ever heard of Ikea? The best is when Kimmy falls on the carpet, gets yelled at by Jacqueline who says how much it cost ($30,000), leading Kimmy to roll long-ways off the carpet while apologizing to it. Although Jacq is in dire straits, she still is paying top dollar for Abattoir, the doggie, to get the best dog massage in Manhattan (courtesy of Broadway’s Derek Klena! This show is the new Law & Order for Broadway performers). “This is Abattoir? I thought you two were sisters!” the masseur says to Jacqueline, like it’s a compliment to look like a dog’s sister.
That’s all very fun and good, but then she goes kind of off the rails trying to nab a rich old man to take over as her Mr. Moneybags. It’s sort of funny when she meets an old acquaintance and compliments him on his surgery that has pulled up his former extra neck skin to be his new face skin with it all tied it a top knot under his hair, ‘the same surgery Trump had!’, but then when she sits on his lap and tries to make out with him, it’s all just too much and too unfunny. I just want Jacqueline to return to being the funny-worst person onscreen and not this sad curry-worst person.
As for Titus, while we can be happy that he found the motivation and energy to write and stage a one-man play, the result is bound to create a crapload of controversy. The silver lining in this probably racially insensitive bit is that there was some actually funny comedy sprinkled amid the storyline, unlike the definitely racially insensitive Native American b.s.
So what was his play? Remember at the beginning of episode 1, which was a peek into the future with various Christmas stockings hanging for names we didn’t know? One of those names was Murasaki, and we learned who that is here: one of Titus’s personas from a past life, that of a Japanese geisha. Yes, Titus’s one-man play was him in…Japanese face, in geisha attire, singing old traditional folk songs and telling his/her story. The writers tried to preempt the controversy this plot would face in real life by having Titus face controversy in the show, by way of an online Asian community that named Titus one of its “Hitlers” for his racism and cultural insensitivity. The group bought all the tickets to his show in order to boo throughout. But then Titus sang and it was beautiful, so beautiful it made the internet Hitlers stop booing him and stop calling him a Hitler. And then one girl got stuck in a social justice cycle of apology and disappeared into thin air – that was so random but kind of funny as a comment on commentary. This whole plotline was pretty ridiculous and allowed for some really funny lines, but…but…I don’t think the meta commentary of including the backlash to his play in the actual show excuses the issues. I’m not the person who can say so definitively, but I’m pretty sure it is still problematic.
But aside from racism! Funnies! AND, a cameo by our favorite nemesis of Titus, Coriolanus (James Monroe Iglehart)!!
I’m not sure what Kimmy was up to this episode besides just being around as a sidepiece. That’s what that means. I loved the very-Kimmy cold open, with her asking Titus heated questions about why the ghosts are haunting poor Pac-Man! I also liked the blink-and-you-miss-it posters on the street for Silverfish Poison, a nice call-back to Episode 1.
As for Titus, while we can be happy that he found the motivation and energy to write and stage a one-man play, the result is bound to create a crapload of controversy. The silver lining in this probably racially insensitive bit is that there was some actually funny comedy sprinkled amid the storyline, unlike the definitely racially insensitive Native American b.s.
So what was his play? Remember at the beginning of episode 1, which was a peek into the future with various Christmas stockings hanging for names we didn’t know? One of those names was Murasaki, and we learned who that is here: one of Titus’s personas from a past life, that of a Japanese geisha. Yes, Titus’s one-man play was him in…Japanese face, in geisha attire, singing old traditional folk songs and telling his/her story. The writers tried to preempt the controversy this plot would face in real life by having Titus face controversy in the show, by way of an online Asian community that named Titus one of its “Hitlers” for his racism and cultural insensitivity. The group bought all the tickets to his show in order to boo throughout. But then Titus sang and it was beautiful, so beautiful it made the internet Hitlers stop booing him and stop calling him a Hitler. And then one girl got stuck in a social justice cycle of apology and disappeared into thin air – that was so random but kind of funny as a comment on commentary. This whole plotline was pretty ridiculous and allowed for some really funny lines, but…but…I don’t think the meta commentary of including the backlash to his play in the actual show excuses the issues. I’m not the person who can say so definitively, but I’m pretty sure it is still problematic.
But aside from racism! Funnies! AND, a cameo by our favorite nemesis of Titus, Coriolanus (James Monroe Iglehart)!!
I’m not sure what Kimmy was up to this episode besides just being around as a sidepiece. That’s what that means. I loved the very-Kimmy cold open, with her asking Titus heated questions about why the ghosts are haunting poor Pac-Man! I also liked the blink-and-you-miss-it posters on the street for Silverfish Poison, a nice call-back to Episode 1.
Carol Kane in half a minute proves how good an actress she is, when she realizes that the graffiti tag she thought was for the gang ‘effe 10 cinco’ was really spelling ‘Fios’, marking where the new Fios cables would run in her sadly gentrifying neighborhood. You can see how crushed she is and like, it’s so out of place and weird for this show but your heart breaks for her because she’s so damn good! She’s not a witch she’s your wife!
“Sesame street was based on this neighborhood because this guy lives in a garbage can, AND, there’s a gigantic furry monster that only I can see.” I love her.
Other lines that had me cackling – this is maybe the longest list you’ll ever see:
Kimmy, in response to Titus’s claiming he was a Japanese woman in a past life and will be portraying her in a one-man show: “Well, if Aisha Tyler can play a white woman on “Friends”, then I guess it’s okay.” BURN at “Friends”! I’m okay with it! deserved!
Our first greatness that can only be captured with video: Amy Sedaris, the great Amy Sedaris, who is sort of the antithesis of the Fred Armisen sitcom rule (she is a guest star in a lot of them, but she’s always welcome), rushing into Jacqueline’s apartment as Jacqueline shouts “No shoes on the rug!” Cue Amy kicking off her shoes with expert timing and skill. Had to pause for you, Mimi Kanasis.
Titus’s show was called “Kimono You Didn’t!” Bahaha! I think they thought of this joke first and then wrote an entire plotline around it.
“No face journeys”
Jacqueline: His name is Douglas, and he’s coasting on looks!
Douglas: YOLO!!!
I also cackled at this interaction with Jacqueline and her wanna-be DJ boytoy:
“No face journeys”
Jacqueline: His name is Douglas, and he’s coasting on looks!
Douglas: YOLO!!!
I also cackled at this interaction with Jacqueline and her wanna-be DJ boytoy:
Jane is back with the best zingers!
Titus: “DJs? Ew! No! Their poor parents.”
AutoCorrect fun times: Kimmy gets a text: “Sorry guys, Jacqueline needs me to get the duck over here.” It’s not the funniest autocorrect joke I saw on TV this week (that honor goes to “Jane the Virgin” for making me absolutely crack up when a tipsy Jane texts Raf “All food here!” Amazing quick joke) but it was improved by Kimmy’s comment “Now I have to figure out where to get one”.
Kimmy, telling Titus she sold out his show: “Guess who’s coming to see it?”
Titus: “Patti LuPone? Patti LaBelle. I’m out of Pattis. Does it have to be a Patti or did I do that?”
And, my favorite of the episode:
Kimmy: “What happened to all your other kimonos?”
Titus’s response, only acceptable in video form:
Titus: “DJs? Ew! No! Their poor parents.”
AutoCorrect fun times: Kimmy gets a text: “Sorry guys, Jacqueline needs me to get the duck over here.” It’s not the funniest autocorrect joke I saw on TV this week (that honor goes to “Jane the Virgin” for making me absolutely crack up when a tipsy Jane texts Raf “All food here!” Amazing quick joke) but it was improved by Kimmy’s comment “Now I have to figure out where to get one”.
Kimmy, telling Titus she sold out his show: “Guess who’s coming to see it?”
Titus: “Patti LuPone? Patti LaBelle. I’m out of Pattis. Does it have to be a Patti or did I do that?”
And, my favorite of the episode:
Kimmy: “What happened to all your other kimonos?”
Titus’s response, only acceptable in video form:
Kimmy’s face & nodding while Titus just crazily yells! It’s all so good! Titus was totally back to his bad self with all these amazing lines. THIS (next) was the best part of the episode too, and one of my favorite parts of the whole series, maybe:
After reading bad online reactions to his portraying a Japanese woman, Titus complained “Why can’t I be Murasaki? I/she AM/was me/her!”
After reading bad online reactions to his portraying a Japanese woman, Titus complained “Why can’t I be Murasaki? I/she AM/was me/her!”
Absolutely brilliant!!!
EPISODE 4: Kimmy Kidnaps Gretchen!
Remember the above recap you just read that had a metric shittonne of quotent quotables? Well, hate to say it, but I think they used up most of their funny lines on that one, leaving a few paltry bits for Episode 4. The good ones were really good, but they were few and far between.
However, there was more heart in this one than any other so far. Titus has agreed to go on a date with incredibly normal construction worker Mikey, who seems like a totally decent, kind, average guy and thus a very odd match for the bigger-than-life personality of Titus. But for a long time, Titus has been shielding his heart from any potential hurt by keeping men at arm’s length and never going on a second date. He plays this off as his being too cool for school/mere mortals, but he admits that most of his exes just never cared enough to come back. Really sad! I don’t want Titus to be sad! I want Mikey to make him happy!
I love loved their first interaction, when Mikey surprised the still-coccooning Titus hours before their date because he was fuh-reaking out with anxious prep questions:
Mikey: “If we go to a gay bar, can I get a beer? And which one of us opens doors for the other? Or are there no doors? Do we not use doors?!?!?!?!”
Titus: “You gotta make like a 30-year-old single girl and settle.”
At first, their dynamic is played from the angle that Mikey is this totally new baby of a gay man, freshly out, which would leave Titus with a lot of responsibility to teach him all the secret handshakes and stuff. I loved when Titus is complaining about how big a job it would be to teach Mikey all the things “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”-style, but how that show had it so much easier:
Titus: “I’m just one man! They had five guys! And now I want a hamburger!!”
They go on their first date to a hot gay bar/club that won’t let them in because they aren’t hot/cool (is that confusing for ESL people) enough, which leads to the funniest stretch of the episode. First of all, did you notice the name of the club?? It was SCOTUS! Bahahahha amazing. When they dejectedly walked away from the velvet rope, this genius happened:
Titus: “Should we make like Queen Elizabeth and dub this a night?”
DIED.
But instead, Titus and Mikey bonded by talking about movies, especially ‘The Lion King’ and how Timon and Pumbaa had the most beautiful relationship. Titus even allowed himself to break his #1 date rule: he ate in front of him. His issues run deep though, and Lillian found him alone in the morning, deciding to never call Mikey again, despite Lillian’s romantically covering the bed with rose petals – or really, barbecue potato chips. It sounded kind of dumb until we actually see Titus lying in the bed covered in chips! It was so funny when he moved around and the chips flew all about. Ridiculous! Then he and Lillian had another spectacular exchange:
Lillian: “Liar!! I watched the parade of men in and out of your door for ten years!”
Titus: “Well you should thank me – most people pay good money for parades.”
FIRST OF ALL, Carol Kane said Liar!!! Ahh! Thank you writers room! And this Titus line was gold. I loved this whole story line with Titus trying to work out his deep insecurities enough to Mikey a chance. I also loved how the dynamic was flipped by the end of the episode, with Mikey our nice guy being the one who has to agree to take on the burden of helping Titus with his issues, not the other way around. ALSO, Titus at one point said, “I once went to a New Years Eve party dressed as Nathan Lane Bryant; it was moderately well-received.” Best costume hybrid idea since Sandra Dee O’Connor, Dirty Harry Potter, and Tinkerbell Tailor Soldier Spy!
Sadly, while Titus had this great storyline, one that actually might give this show a plot we care about for more than one episode, Kimmy had a not-so-great one: Her old bunker-sister-wife Gretchen has found her way into yet another cult, this one based around cosmetology. Other sestra notified Kimmy about it by emailing an ad for the cosmetology cult’s cruise, leaving NYC the next day. This led to another wonderful rendition of the Bunny & Kitty theme song, thankfully. Kimmy somehow became an evil genius and figured out a smart way to kidnap Gretchen – put “Gretchen check-in” signs near the Crew check-in signs at the docks to lead her out. Worked a treat. But then we had a whole episode of Kimmy trying to help Gretchen figure out what she wants in life instead of just following another cult leader. I don’t care about Gretchen, guys. Like at all, she sucks. Give me a whole episode about the crazy Mexican sestra, that would be AMAZING. But Gretchen is lame sauce, and while her crazy night had a few funnies, it mostly made me feel like I was watching an Italian farce where I just want to stop people from doing dumb things. The end, with her finding her ‘path’ by starting a cult and being the leader instead of being a follower, was um not the greatest. Cults are not good, whether you are being taken advantage of or taking advantage of others. So, um, let’s get back on track next time!
Also? Zero Jane Krakowski in this episode! What is THAT about?! I hope next week Jane is back in top form and Titus & Mikey are happy!
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Do you need a refresher on Episodes 1 & 2? Find it here!
Golden Globes 2019: The Annual Shitshow is Back So Let’s Make Some More Shit Up
It’s officially my favorite season – awards season! This evening, January 6, brings us another round of the favorite game of the world’s most inane entertainment reporters: The Golden Globes. It’s that thing where the Hollywood Foreign Press Association nominates their favorite celebrities (or celeb spouses, banking on the other half showing up to their party) that happen to be in movies or television this year for whatever awards they can squeeze them into and then they sit back and laugh as the categories and often winners make no real sense and you’re like excuse me what but no one actually cares at all because even though it’s nonsense the Globes are the most enjoyable awards show of the season and everyone is drunk and laughing the whole time so there’s no real harm done, except to the sanctity of awards for famous people which, like, isn’t that important to sanctify in the scheme of things, you know?
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association is notorious for their ludicrous decisions and inability to discern comedy from drama, making the Golden Globes the most nonsensical awards of the season, but they’re the most fun, mainly because of the open bar. The A-list crowd lets loose and has a gay old time. Nothing makes me more jealous in the world of Hollywood than watching all the celebrities get up from their tables and chat with all the other celebrities during commercial breaks and then not give a shit about getting back to their seats in time after the breaks end because no one cares if the rough and ready rodeo that is this event appears a tiny drop less professional than it already does (would it even register?).
The truest golden years were when Amy Poehler and Tina Fey hosted, providing funnier comedy in their 10-minute opening monologues than any of the Best Comedy movie nominations had – mostly because the movies in the best comedy category are never actually comedies. (HELLOOO I mean ‘The Martian’? ‘Ladybird’? Forking ‘GET OUT’???? HFPA YOU F-ING CRAZY? Oh, right, yes.) I have reservations about tonight’s hosts, Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh, because they clearly were chosen after every famous person’s name was put on little slips of paper and then into a hat and then also inside the hat was a drunk rabbit (it was a magician’s hat) and he ate the pieces of paper and then threw it all back up and they chose the names on the first two slips that came back, that’s the only way this pairing makes sense. I mean ostensibly it’s because they were charming when they presented at the Emmys back in September but taking that great little presenting performance and thinking it will translate to great success as hosts of an entire show is what got us ‘Get Him to the Greek’ after people loved Russell Brand’s (incredible) small performance in ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’. I also can’t help but think that, even though I do love Andy, it’s like no one in charge would be okay with having a woman of color on that stage without a safe white man to keep viewers from throwing their TVs out the window. The powers that be are like ‘don’t be mad that we’re showing you a lady in charge, or a non-white! There’s a white man, see, everything’s okay!’ I wish them well though, and maybe we can get Tina and Amy back for the Oscars if the heads over there are ever able to look past f-ing Kevin Hart. Like why do they think he is the only option??
So, to recap, no one takes the Globes seriously, but it’s still fun to watch. And none of the celebrities take it seriously either but some of them (especially/only the newcomers) will still cry when they win because, well, winning rocks, like why I care that my team wins Quizzo every week even though the prize is money to the very same bar where the quiz occurs and I don’t drink so like, I don’t actually get anything out of it but I still get to say I FORKING WON, you know, and so the Globes is that, just like that. Anyway it’s really hard to see everything in time since I’m in London so we are going to do our best with these thoughts and predictions. Some of you long-time readers might be like ‘wait where’s you amazing list of reviews for every important movie’ and may I remind you that that comes out before the Oscars, where the movies actually matter/when I have had more time to account for the stupid later UK release dates.
The truest golden years were when Amy Poehler and Tina Fey hosted, providing funnier comedy in their 10-minute opening monologues than any of the Best Comedy movie nominations had – mostly because the movies in the best comedy category are never actually comedies. (HELLOOO I mean ‘The Martian’? ‘Ladybird’? Forking ‘GET OUT’???? HFPA YOU F-ING CRAZY? Oh, right, yes.) I have reservations about tonight’s hosts, Andy Samberg and Sandra Oh, because they clearly were chosen after every famous person’s name was put on little slips of paper and then into a hat and then also inside the hat was a drunk rabbit (it was a magician’s hat) and he ate the pieces of paper and then threw it all back up and they chose the names on the first two slips that came back, that’s the only way this pairing makes sense. I mean ostensibly it’s because they were charming when they presented at the Emmys back in September but taking that great little presenting performance and thinking it will translate to great success as hosts of an entire show is what got us ‘Get Him to the Greek’ after people loved Russell Brand’s (incredible) small performance in ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’. I also can’t help but think that, even though I do love Andy, it’s like no one in charge would be okay with having a woman of color on that stage without a safe white man to keep viewers from throwing their TVs out the window. The powers that be are like ‘don’t be mad that we’re showing you a lady in charge, or a non-white! There’s a white man, see, everything’s okay!’ I wish them well though, and maybe we can get Tina and Amy back for the Oscars if the heads over there are ever able to look past f-ing Kevin Hart. Like why do they think he is the only option??
So, to recap, no one takes the Globes seriously, but it’s still fun to watch. And none of the celebrities take it seriously either but some of them (especially/only the newcomers) will still cry when they win because, well, winning rocks, like why I care that my team wins Quizzo every week even though the prize is money to the very same bar where the quiz occurs and I don’t drink so like, I don’t actually get anything out of it but I still get to say I FORKING WON, you know, and so the Globes is that, just like that. Anyway it’s really hard to see everything in time since I’m in London so we are going to do our best with these thoughts and predictions. Some of you long-time readers might be like ‘wait where’s you amazing list of reviews for every important movie’ and may I remind you that that comes out before the Oscars, where the movies actually matter/when I have had more time to account for the stupid later UK release dates.
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BEST MOTION PICTURE,
DRAMA A Star is Born Black Panther BlacKkKlansmen Bohemian Rhapsody If Beale Street Could Talk |
BEST MOTION PICTURE,
COMEDY/MUSICAL Crazy Rich Asians The Favourite Green Book Mary Poppins Returns Vice |
Jesus take the damn wheel. The biggest problems of the Globes usually come from them trying desperately to shove enough dramatic movies into the Comedy/Musical category and nothing about it making any sense at all, to the point where it’s almost offensive. AND YET, in a year where there are movies that could easily be argued into the category, they go ‘nah, we cool’ and put them in the Drama category! What the hell, guys? Two of the biggest and best movies of the year, ‘A Star is Born’ and ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, are about musicians, and they play music like THE WHOLE TIME, yet the HFPA has them in Drama. For a group that just a few years ago was like, “oh Matt Damon is listening to music while trapped on Mars and he makes a funny joke so it’s clearly a comedy and/or a musical”, the HFPA is having all sorts of identity crises. It’s kind of hilarious that the two giant musical biopics aren’t in the musical category. Like you HAVE one; USE it! I’m also semi-shocked they didn’t try to put the big budget superhero movie ‘Black Panther’ in comedy as well, since they usually consider anything that isn’t about war a comedy. ‘BlacKkKlansmen’ was actually the movie that made us laugh the most of any of these, so even though it would be a little whack if someone with any gravitas to their name said it was a comedy, the HFPA absolutely could have put it in C/M and no one would have batted an eye. I am actually 80% certain that they took their overall 10 favorite films (how, though) and put them through the same aforementioned sorting system that they used for choosing the hosts. (*Okay, I know some of you have had it up to here with my railing on the HFPA’s sense of what’s drama and what’s comedy when you know that it’s actually the makers of ‘Bohemian’ and ‘Star’ that petitioned for them to be in Drama. But a) it shouldn’t be up to the filmmakers to say what their thing gets nominated for just because Drama is more prestigious; that’s some bullshit finagling, and b) the HFPA makes crazy decisions every single year so I’m never going to ease up just because someone else is also to blame. Also FUCK the people who wanted them to be in Drama because it’s more prestigious than Comedy. It’s not the MUSICAL COMEDY category; it’s Comedy OR Musical. SLASH MEANS OR. Miss me with the bullshit that dramas are more important than musicals.)
As for the actual Comedy/Musical category, the only great surprise is ‘Crazy Rich Asians’, which deserves the slot and is actually a comedy, so well done to the HFPA. This is the perfect maneuver for the HFPA to get big names of the year, but from non-awardsy movies, to come to their party. ‘The Favourite’ was a great movie and it’s billed as a dark comedy, though to me it was more horrifying and full of nervous laughter, but I concede that it’s the right kind of movie for this category. That Yorgos though! ‘Mary Poppins Returns’ shouldn’t be on this list, not because it wasn’t a musical, which it is, but because it was not good. Most disappointing movie of the year for me. There are 100 movies that should have taken that slot, but none with Emily Blunt and Lin-Manuel Miranda, who the journos wanted to invite, so here we are. Party’s not a party without Lin! As for ‘Green Book’ and ‘Vice’, they should be swapped (with the two musical biopics) to the drama category. I have it on good authority that ‘Green Book’ is clearly a drama. And I guess the foreign reporters find it funny to make fun of America’s downfall so they are calling ‘Vice’ a comedy even though it’s upsetting and depressing? I guess.
Given that these categories are bonkers, it’s hard to pick winners. For ‘Drama’, my vote would be for ‘A Star is Born’, and the Globes seem like the right venue for rewarding that starry successful film. Everyone loves it (I know I know except for two of you reading this, I get it, you hated it) and it was completely wonderful, and it doesn’t hurt that it was a financial hit. For ‘Comedy/Musical’, I think it will be ‘The Favourite’ because it’s actually a dark comedy, it’s a pretty great (though WEIRD AF) movie, and the foreigners voting love them some Yorgos and some Olivia Colman.
As for the actual Comedy/Musical category, the only great surprise is ‘Crazy Rich Asians’, which deserves the slot and is actually a comedy, so well done to the HFPA. This is the perfect maneuver for the HFPA to get big names of the year, but from non-awardsy movies, to come to their party. ‘The Favourite’ was a great movie and it’s billed as a dark comedy, though to me it was more horrifying and full of nervous laughter, but I concede that it’s the right kind of movie for this category. That Yorgos though! ‘Mary Poppins Returns’ shouldn’t be on this list, not because it wasn’t a musical, which it is, but because it was not good. Most disappointing movie of the year for me. There are 100 movies that should have taken that slot, but none with Emily Blunt and Lin-Manuel Miranda, who the journos wanted to invite, so here we are. Party’s not a party without Lin! As for ‘Green Book’ and ‘Vice’, they should be swapped (with the two musical biopics) to the drama category. I have it on good authority that ‘Green Book’ is clearly a drama. And I guess the foreign reporters find it funny to make fun of America’s downfall so they are calling ‘Vice’ a comedy even though it’s upsetting and depressing? I guess.
Given that these categories are bonkers, it’s hard to pick winners. For ‘Drama’, my vote would be for ‘A Star is Born’, and the Globes seem like the right venue for rewarding that starry successful film. Everyone loves it (I know I know except for two of you reading this, I get it, you hated it) and it was completely wonderful, and it doesn’t hurt that it was a financial hit. For ‘Comedy/Musical’, I think it will be ‘The Favourite’ because it’s actually a dark comedy, it’s a pretty great (though WEIRD AF) movie, and the foreigners voting love them some Yorgos and some Olivia Colman.
BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Glenn Close, “The Wife”
Lady Gaga, “A Star Is Born”
Nicole Kidman, “Destroyer”
Melissa McCarthy, “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”
Rosamund Pike, “A Private War”
Glenn Close, “The Wife”
Lady Gaga, “A Star Is Born”
Nicole Kidman, “Destroyer”
Melissa McCarthy, “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”
Rosamund Pike, “A Private War”
Lady Gaga is almost hundo p going to win her second Golden Globe on her second nomination (that’s a kind of ridiculous track record for someone who isn’t actually a great actress but has been great in specific parts). Her Allie was magnetic, and it helps that it was her singing so incredibly (something that might hurt Rami Malek). I haven’t seen ‘The Wife’ because it looks suuupes boring, but Glenn Close is probably her closest competitor because everyone loves Glenn Close (except Patti LuPone) and I’m sure she was wonderful in the movie and she’s always great so, okay, possible dark horse. No one has seen Nikki K’s movie, which I’m assuming is about Alison Brie’s Zoya character on ‘Glow’?? I would indeed love a big-screen look at that magnificence, although I can’t imagine it being any better than ‘Glow’ episode 2.8 (The Good Twin) (that’s the one where Alison Brie’s Ruth also plays the evil twin of her Russian character and it’s amazing and there’s a goat). Melissa McCarthy is supposed to be amazing in her movie but I wouldn’t know because London doesn’t seem to have heard about it. I just checked the UK release date and it’s forking February 1! What is this NONSENSE. Show me my Sookie in a crime drama! And as for Rosamund, she’s not winning because voters and people the world over are still terrified of her after ‘Gone Girl’. Like really forking terrified. They didn’t even want her to come but they had to invite her because they were scared of what would happen if they didn’t.
BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Bradley Cooper, “A Star Is Born”
Willem Dafoe, “At Eternity’s Gate”
Lucas Hedges, “Boy Erased”
Rami Malek, “Bohemian Rhapsody”
John David Washington, “BlacKkKlansman”
Bradley Cooper, “A Star Is Born”
Willem Dafoe, “At Eternity’s Gate”
Lucas Hedges, “Boy Erased”
Rami Malek, “Bohemian Rhapsody”
John David Washington, “BlacKkKlansman”
Oh this is not even a question; it’s Bradley’s to lose. The HFPA LOOOOOVES them some Bradley Cooper, possibly even more than Sidra thinks Italian men loooooove them some black women (every piece I write has to have a reference to ‘Love & Basketball’, you know this by now, yes?), and he deserves it too. He dedicated so much time and effort to ‘A Star is Born’, including spending two years working with a vocal coach to safely lower his speaking voice so he could play Jackson, the alcoholic country star. And he can sing (well enough)! And then he directed the whole darn thing flawlessly. This is the way they will reward him for making this great movie. The potential spoiler is Rami Malek, who the HFPA also loves. Malek was superb as Freddie Mercury, but the fact that it wasn’t him singing but it was Bradley could be the tipping point. Willem Dafoe is supposed to be great in ‘At Eternity’s Gate’ and I would love for him to win, now or in the future, because he is such a nice man even though he looks like a mean one, but I can’t say that he should win because I have not seen the film, nor has anyone. Lucas Hedges is too young to be nominated for so many awards already jesus h christ who is this kid in Oscar movies every g-d year! And in Tony-nominated plays too! Take a BREAK, child. No he’s really great but he has decades and probably hundos of awards ahead of him. Washington was great as the understated lead of ‘BlacKkKlansmen’, but he was subtle, which-ah the foreigners hate-ah!
BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Emily Blunt, “Mary Poppins Returns”
Olivia Colman, “The Favourite”
Elsie Fisher, “Eighth Grade”
Charlize Theron, “Tully”
Constance Wu, “Crazy Rich Asians”
Emily Blunt, “Mary Poppins Returns”
Olivia Colman, “The Favourite”
Elsie Fisher, “Eighth Grade”
Charlize Theron, “Tully”
Constance Wu, “Crazy Rich Asians”
I think Olivia Colman’s Globe win might be the surest bet of all, after Gaga’s win for Best Song (I’M IN THE DEEEEP EEEEEEEND WATCH AS I DIIIIIIIIIIIVE IIIIIIIIIIIN you’re welcome best song ever). Everyone is loving ‘The Favourite’ (WEIRD AF) and Colman has been diligently producing great but under-noticed work for decades. Most importantly, her excellent performance as Queen Anne is the only one on the list with any serious credibility or weight to it, in the only movie on the list that will be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars. Fork she was creepy and super disturbing (and did I say WEIRD AF) and great in ‘The Favourite’. Emily Blunt was one of the few things I enjoyed about Mary Poppins, though she wasn’t award-worthy, just like, not bad enough to yell at the screen like I did for Meryl Streep’s scene. Is ‘Tully’ the movie Charlize did like 10 years ago when she ghost-writes teen novels? I’m going to assume that’s what it is so why is it nominated now? It was a bad movie back then. Constance Wu was charming and wonderful but she will have to be content with all the crazy money the movie made (though not as much money as her character was marrying into apparently (billionaires are immoral by definition btw, I hope the sequel comes to terms with that)). ‘Eighth Grade’ is the movie I actually most wanted to see this year but I completely missed its run in the UK (if it had one). I heard such great things and would have liked to see more recognition of it, mostly because Bo Burnham actually seems like a fantastic person (all of this is taken from his one appearance on the Anna Faris podcast, but he did say a lot of great things on it). So yeah, Olivia Colman gets my vote for sure. Although, interestingly, I don’t think it is an Oscar-worthy performance. We’ll talk about that in a month I guess.
BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Christian Bale, “Vice”
Lin-Manuel Miranda, “Mary Poppins Returns”
Viggo Mortensen, “Green Book”
Robert Redford, “The Old Man & the Gun”
John C. Reilly, “Stan & Ollie”
Christian Bale, “Vice”
Lin-Manuel Miranda, “Mary Poppins Returns”
Viggo Mortensen, “Green Book”
Robert Redford, “The Old Man & the Gun”
John C. Reilly, “Stan & Ollie”
This is the funniest category. It is exactly what one of those bots fed 1000 hours of x kind of information would create if asked to create a sample Globes category. A few relevant movies plus big name movie stars plus people they just really like plus roles you would never have dreamed of getting award recognition. I just love it. Viggo should be in the Drama category, Christian Bale arguably too, but one of them will be the winner. I’m not sure about the Old Robert Gun movie because I haven’t seen it yet, but everyone loves Redford. Everyone also loves Lin and so I can’t fault his inclusion in this category, except I can because hahaha for Mary Poppinses?? Oh dear. Love John C. Reilly as well but if he didn’t win for ‘Chicago’ he shouldn’t win for ‘Stan & Ollie’, which I think is about those muppet hecklers? This is almost a definite win for Christian Bale, though I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they gave it to Lin just because the Globes be crazy.
BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE
Amy Adams, ‘Vice’
Claire Foy, ‘First Man’
Regina King, ‘If Beale Street Could Talk’
Emma Stone, ‘The Favourite’
Rachel Weisz, ‘The Favourite’
Amy Adams, ‘Vice’
Claire Foy, ‘First Man’
Regina King, ‘If Beale Street Could Talk’
Emma Stone, ‘The Favourite’
Rachel Weisz, ‘The Favourite’
WILL AMY ADAMS EVER WIN AN AWARD? Okay she has won two Globes but she is one of the best actresses to still not have won an Oscar. Maybe this will start her season off right! Although who wants her first Oscar to be for the monster Lynne Cheney YEESH. This is a great category overall though. I do have a sneaking sense that one of ‘The Favourite’ girls will sneak in to upset the Adams train. The HFPA loves Emma and Rachel and they were great in it, so maybe one of them will dark horse this up. But I think it’s Amy’s. She will be so happy!
BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE
Mahershala Ali, ‘Green Book’
Timothee Chalamet, ‘Beautiful Boy’
Adam Driver, ‘BlacKkKlansmen’
Richard E. Grant, “Can You Ever Forgive Me?’
Sam Rockwell, ‘Vice’
Mahershala Ali, ‘Green Book’
Timothee Chalamet, ‘Beautiful Boy’
Adam Driver, ‘BlacKkKlansmen’
Richard E. Grant, “Can You Ever Forgive Me?’
Sam Rockwell, ‘Vice’
I can’t believe I already used my ‘WHO IS THIS CHILD IN THE BIG MOVIES EVERY YEAR EVEN THOUGH HE’S NOT OLD ENOUGH TO SEE THEM YET’ diatribe on Lucas Hedges when we have Chalamet in the mix! god what is UP with these little boys being such damn good actors? I love Chalamet (not as much as John Mulaney’s wife does but enough) but BB is too depressing for anyone to still think about. He has a long illustrious career ahead of him, I am sure. Adam Driver’s career is like nothing anyone could have predicted, I guess I’m happy for him, but he will have to be satisfied with Star Wars money. I’ve heard great things about Grant and I could see this being the category the voters throw a curveball into, but the race is mainly between Mahershala and Sam. Both are the big recent Supporting Actor winners of the last two seasons, which will make some voters want to spread the wealth, but Mahershala actually didn’t win the Globe for ‘Moonlight’ (the Globes like to throw curveballs like I said! (of course their curveball that year in his category was to my most hated movie ever made so that’s fun) (we shall not be naming it)) so this is most likely his.
BEST DIRECTOR
Bradley Cooper, ‘A Star is Born’
Alfonso Cuaron, ‘Roma’
Peter Farrelly, ‘Green Book’
Spike Lee, ‘BlacKkKlansmen’
Adam McKay, ‘Vice’
Bradley Cooper, ‘A Star is Born’
Alfonso Cuaron, ‘Roma’
Peter Farrelly, ‘Green Book’
Spike Lee, ‘BlacKkKlansmen’
Adam McKay, ‘Vice’
The best director race is mainly between Bradley and Cuaron, two men the voters adore for very different reasons. If Bradley is awarded for Best Actor, then this one will go to Cuaron. It is most likely Cuaron’s anyway as a way to compensate ‘Roma’, one of the most beloved movies of the year, for being shut out of the Best Movie categories because it’s not in English (thems the rules), which is some real bullshit considering these are the awards from the Hollywood FOREIGN Press, the awarding organization most likely to recognize that things in languages other than English have merit considering I would bet money that every single member speaks at least one non-English language. Way to buck the stereotype (of being learned), guys. But either/any/all would be deserving winners. I’d love if Spike Lee won just for having the balls to end his film as he did, which was the most moving and upsetting part.
Okay I was so proud of myself for finishing that I completely forgot I have to write about television too! Goddammit the Globes are like this website, trying to cover way too much! You’d think that my being in the UK would make it even harder for me to see all the American-focused television nominated at the Globes than it is for me to see all the movies, but you would be wrong. I watch a lot of TV.
BEST DRAMA SERIES
The Americans
Bodyguard
Homecoming
Killing Eve
Pose
The Americans
Bodyguard
Homecoming
Killing Eve
Pose
This is a really interesting group of shows, all at least decent. The Americans is one of the best dramas in history, and it should be awarded for its final, impeccable season. I still cry sometimes thinking about the garage scene and poor Stanny Beems. But it won’t win, because the damn foreign press loves Killing Eve and loooves Sandra Oh – and she is HOSTING. She is going to win (see below) and this show is going to win, even though (my mom is going to be mad) it was JUST OKAY. I think the premise of Killing Eve had a shittonne of potential, but they didn’t actually fulfill it. The writing and the storyline got kind of out of whack halfway through, and though it was always entertaining, it wasn’t great, and it definitely wasn’t ‘best’. Be best! Bodyguard gets a similar review. It was one of the most riveting shows I’ve ever watched – I was on edge the entire time, heart racing. They achieved levels of suspense that are usually reserved for movie-making. But while it was super successful in that regard, it was overall a B level series, with some groan-worthy turns and some just-okay writing. The Americans is the best show on this list by a mile, but it won’t beat the British shows. The Globes never actually reward the best of TV though, just the people and properties they like talking about, so it’s fine, I’m fine, we’re all fiiiine.
BEST TV DRAMA ACTOR
Jason Bateman, Ozark
Stephan James, Homecoming
Richard Madden, Bodyguard
Billy Porter, Pose
Matthew Rhys, The Americans
Jason Bateman, Ozark
Stephan James, Homecoming
Richard Madden, Bodyguard
Billy Porter, Pose
Matthew Rhys, The Americans
YAS BILLY PORTER COME THROUGH!!! I mean not actually ‘through’ like ‘to the winner’s podium’, just like hooray for the nom, I adore you you Tony winner! But not as much as Matthew Rhys with his WELSH ACCENT that NO VIEWERS of The Americans would EVER have guessed he had. Loves it! There are great performers on this list but no one touches Matthew’s performance, especially in the last episode of The Americans. Dammit that show was incredible, and he was the best part, other than my aforementioned main man Stanny Beems. I hope he wins, and he might ride his Emmy-award momentum to a win here. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Richard Madden pulled ahead, because he was on yet another acclaimed show but this time it’s British and they love that.
BEST TV DRAMA ACTRESS
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Elisabeth Moss, The Handmaid’s Tale
Sandra Oh, Killing Eve
Julia Roberts, Homecoming
Keri Russell, The Americans
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Elisabeth Moss, The Handmaid’s Tale
Sandra Oh, Killing Eve
Julia Roberts, Homecoming
Keri Russell, The Americans
Can’t believe The Handmaid’s Tale is still on; it feels like it’s been on for ten seasons already, or maybe that’s just because real life in America feels like that now. Regardless, this is Oh’s. Oh, no. Keri Russell gets all the same praise I gave Matthew Rhys, supra, because they were two halves of a whole that built a gripping, poignant, masterpiece of a show. This should be hers (just like the Emmy should have been) but this is Sandra’s. I mean she’s the g-d host, for crying out loud. Ain’t no way they’re gonna get her to host and then not give her a trophy for it. The only way I can see Sandra losing is if the voters decide to give it to Julia Roberts, because she’s forking Julia Roberts and they are probably peeing in their pants excited to see her tonight. I mean she’s also great, yes, but the HFPA only cares that she is Julia mufuhing Roberts.
BEST COMEDY SERIES
Barry
The Good Place
Kidding
The Kominsky Method
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Barry
The Good Place
Kidding
The Kominsky Method
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Are they just kidding about Kidding, and Komisky? Don’t get me wrong, I love The Kominsky Method because I enjoy many properties that are intended for elderly Jews (am one at heart!), but while it’s entertaining, it’s not like, great. But happily, three of these noms are indeed three of the best comedies on right now: Maisel, Barry, and The Good Place. I’m going to take a minute to talk about the best of those three, which means it’s the best show out right now ever in the whole entire world and guess what also in the entire history of television: The Good Place. TGP has created a unique sitcom, which seems like an impossible thing to do. Not just in terms of the subject matter, but in terms of structure. With almost every single episode, it turns the show’s universe on its head with twists and surprises that are usually reserved for season finales. And it doesn’t just do that for the sake of doing something different or unexpected: it actually best serves the show. It teaches viewers about philosophy and all the important thinkers of history while simultaneously having some of the dumbest humor (in the best way) ever. Every performance is pitch perfect, and trying to pick a favorite or a best is like trying to pick the cutest doggo. Which is probably why only one of the very deserving performers is nominated for a Globe; they just couldn’t deal with how great everyone is and giving the others Globes is like kind of a slap in the face for how good they are and how many better things they deserve for being amazing. If Mike Schur’s humor is on the same wavelength as yours, you feel like he created this show exactly tuned to your preferences, and it’s THE GREATEST feeling to have that in existence. But it’s not going to win because WE’RE IN THE BAD PLACE, but also because no one can stop the Maisel train. I do truly love Maisel, and I wish the costumer would just give me all the forking clothes on that show, god damn they’re amazing, and it is a deserving winner. Barry is also great, even though I am super stressed out while watching it because ahhh, assassins and what not. I expect the HFPA to give it to Maisel, though I wouldn’t be surprised if Barry won, or honestly Kominsky because they love doing crazy shit and they love the old cockers on that show.
BEST TV COMEDY ACTOR
Michael Douglas, The Kominsky Method
Sacha Baron Cohen, Who is America
Jim Carrey, Kidding
Donald Glover, Atlanta
Bill Hader, Barry
Michael Douglas, The Kominsky Method
Sacha Baron Cohen, Who is America
Jim Carrey, Kidding
Donald Glover, Atlanta
Bill Hader, Barry
Take what I was just saying about The Kominsky Method and use that to explain why Michael Douglas is going to win this award. He’s old-time Hollywood, the biggest star on the list, and that’s exactly who the HFPA loves to get to come to their party. The voters are super stoked that Douglas is doing a TV show (even though it’s on Netflix, which is like, the dream job for every actor) and one that’s funny at that. Also, the Globes often love to award the new kid on the block, more than any other awards do. So I’m fully expecting Douglas to win tonight and thank CZJ. My vote would be for Sacha exposing how disgusting American politics is, but his show is likely too controversial. I think the biggest competitor for Douglas is Hader, who is simply sensational in Barry, like you have never seen him and would never expect. It’s ridiculous how good he is. But the real winner in my book is Ted Danson, who is not nominated in the biggest shanda of the entire award season. No matter who is snubbed even for the Oscars, it won’t compare to not recognizing that Danson’s performance as Michael on The Good Place is the pinnacle of perfection in sitcom acting. It seems like it’s just him doing what comes natural to him, and that’s a testament to how much thought he actually puts into every intonation and every little hand gesture to make Michael so fully fleshed out (even though his flesh doesn’t contain human juice OR goo) and so hilarious. Too good for the Globes, I say!
BEST TV COMEDY ACTRESS
Kristen Bell, The Good Place
Candice Bergen, Murphy Brown
Alison Brie, GLOW
Rachel Brosnahan, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Debra Messing, Will & Grace
Kristen Bell, The Good Place
Candice Bergen, Murphy Brown
Alison Brie, GLOW
Rachel Brosnahan, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Debra Messing, Will & Grace
FORK this was a hard one to alphabetize! So many damn B’s! (bees?) I’d say the voters just started at the top of the list of eligible performers and ticked off the first ones they saw, but they are actually all pretty great. This is hundo p Brosnahan’s, as she is simply marvelous as Maisel. And I’m great with that, because I adore her. I’d be happy though with any of three B ladies winning: Brosnahan, Bell, or Brie. Bell is entirely wonderful in The Good Place – no one else could turn what seem like basic (YA BASIC) lines into absolute hilarity (“sounds like your friend is one pickle short of…a pickle party”) and be a terrible person and yet so likable. And Alison Brie should be a household name for how good an actor she is, it’s almost sick how good she is. Her performance as Zoya the Destroya’s twin sister is reason enough to vote for her. I realize that saying Candice Bergen and Debra Messing have already had their time and their chance (and their awards) sounds mean and ageist, but they have LITERALLY already had their time and chance FOR THESE EXACT SAME SHOWS. Don’t get me wrong, the shows are two of my all-times, but this whole revival thing is getting old. Can the people who are so dead-set on reviving old classic TV shows instead focus the revival effort on Broadway so we can get a gottamn third musical revival this season???
Well, that’s all I have to say about that because like you I’m getting exhausted with myself. As for the limited series categories, Darren Criss and the Gianni Versace movie will win everything it can. People love that shit. The supporting actor and actress in a TV show categories are utter bollocks so it’s best we remain civil and just skip them. (Although I’ll be happy for Henry Winkler (loves him) and Alex Borstein winning.) If you made it this far, congratulations, you probably have the stamina to actually watch the Golden Globes! Enjoy!
