Voting With Your Dollar: A Big Fork Off to Equinox & SoulCycle

So it’s been a very long time since I last blogged! These two months have absolutely flown by, and it’s the longest I’ve gone without posting in probably 6 years. WHICH IS NONSENSE. I’m back, mes babies, and as long as my brain stays okay I shant I say SHANT be gone that long again. During this time, we’ve been watching hella content, from all the theatre recordings and livestreams to lots of new TV shows (but not Tiger King; I don’t futz with animal cruelty for fun?) to movies and screeners I’m probably not allowed to talk about yet. You know on 30 Rock when Kenneth says to Pete “I just love television so much” and Pete nods and says “we all do”? I mean if a line of dialogue could define a person, hoo boy.

Some of you know why I haven’t posted in a long time, and it’s not just because the theatres have closed and I’m lost without it. I got sick (before the UK implemented lockdown measures (hooray for countries with ineffectual governments headed by people who look like gross blond puffy twins!)) and it suuuucked. Slash, sucks, because the virus caused some residual effects that haven’t gone away yet. I had probably a mild case, which is hilarious, because it was the worst I ever felt in every way. My experience was like if a really, really uncoordinated squirrel was given a gun and told to shoot at the target, the target being me. Every day, the pain would be in a different random spot, running the gamut of everything a human body can feel. Seriously, name a symptom of anything, and I bet I had 90% of them. Not the Dara O’Briain sort like ‘sudden blindness’ or ‘loss of height’ but almost everything else you can think of. The unpredictability was about as fun as the pain sounds. One constant was the fatigue. That shit was no joke. I thought I knew from tired before since I’m like alwayyys tired but this was like ‘hi I would like to get up to pee but…cannot’ type legit fatigue, where I was actively trying to get my brain to send movement commands to limbs and just failing miserably. But now I am able to put sentences together (enjoy!) again and stay out of bed for most of the day (I do get up at noon most days but that’s by accident, I do not plan to nor want to, so that doesn’t really count…or something).

The crazy thing is, again, this was probably mild. I had to go to the hospital once but they sent me home with meds, and I had to get blood drawn a few times, but that’s it. And I’m like the healthiest goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy, who the hell are you, so people who are crying about wearing masks should get in the g-d bin. It doesn’t just affect old people or people with underlying conditions (which is like…suuuper vague and probably 90% of the population has some sort of underlying condition?? what kind of stupid mental gymnastics is this for people to pretend they are not at risk) but even if it was it would still be awful and worth protecting other people, you absolute bellends who don’t think safety precautions or grandma matter because you let your roots look truly atrocious and now you are blaming coronavirus when it’s really just your own preexisting bullshit.

Anyway that’s enough of that. You know I love to overshare on here (hello Mongolia posts) but let’s talk about CONTENT! I LOVE CONTENT! Honestly if I hadn’t been sick, and if my neighbors weren’t rude pieces of 8 who don’t care about the people around them, I’m very lucky that I would be fine with this quarantine. (Oh and if London friends need a small bottle of hand sanitizer or a roll of toilet paper, hit me up, we have some extra and don’t want to be considered a hoarder of anything but beans, beans, the special beans, I let him go but I didn’t know he’d stolen my beanssss.) On that note, I am going to share a few thoughts on the things we’ve watched!

THEATRE

Praise to the powers that be for releasing recordings of live theatrical productions for our entertainment during this time, and praise to the ones who had already had their goodies available online on places like YouTube and BroadwayHD.

Before I get to the specifics, I feel the need to comment on the ongoing discussion of theatre bootlegs, especially given the Patti Murin business from a few days ago. If you don’t follow Broadway stan twitter, well first of all that’s wonderful and I wish I had also gone my life without seeing the truly mind-numbing ‘arguments’ on it. Broadway star Patti said something about how bootlegs would put Broadway out of business if they were ever allowed to reopen. Which is, not true. However, the fact that that is not true does not mean that bootlegs are great wonderful things that should be widely made and disseminated. These are not the only two options in this argument, as, sadly, lots of gen z bway stanz seem to think. Yes, it’s unfair that those of us who don’t live in NYC or have lots of money cannot see every Broadway show every season. Broadway is inaccessible in the grand scheme of things. But we are not entitled to see every Broadway show every season. This isn’t a right of ours. I’m upset that I have missed dozens and dozens of productions I would have loved to have seen since moving out of the tri-state area. It sucks. I would love if they released recordings of, at the very least, productions after they close. But just because I want that doesn’t mean I deserve to have that, or that live theatre productions are required to think about being available to any audience that isn’t live in their theatre.

Obviously, this is even harder for people who don’t live near any live theatre hub, but there are so many productions online already LEGALLY. The feeling of entitlement that we all must have access to every single current production is insane. Not only is it theft, guys, must I remind you of my lauded 2015 Vida Vegan Con presentation called “Stop Breaking the Law, Assholes!”, but every bootleg you watch ruined the experience of another audience member, and probably enraged performers (you are not slick, chief; we all see your phone). My theatre-going experience has been ruined lots of times by people trying to record. The arguments made in favor of bootlegs are like an endless barrage of begged questions. The one with any validity is that theatre can be inaccessible to so many who want to experience it. That is true (though not an excuse for whatever solution you civilian come up with). The funniest thing for me is that the people actually taking the videos are there. They don’t have the ‘but it’s inaccessible!’ argument on their side, so what do they have? A ticket to the Bad Place, I hope.

Also, this pandemic has revealed just how much content is online already. No it’s not all or most of what has played on Broadway or the West End. But it’s something. So people people arguing will make it seem like there’s positively nothing available to them, and that’s not true. Yes we all want more, we all want to see the theatre we missed out on and especially new modern works. And it would be great if producers &c were more forthcoming and forward-thinking about making recordings available at some point, especially for shows that close early. But wanting that to happen isn’t sufficient reason to jump in and fill in the problem with your own solutions, especially when that ‘solution’ is something that everyone involved in this thing you profess to ‘love’, despises.

Maybe, we can hope, that the success and popularity of online recordings will lead to more when things get back to normal. But you aren’t going to get there this way. It’s really quite mind-boggling how growing up with the internet, with everything available to access instantly, has given younger generations this ill-conceived notion of entitlement to every sort of content. The psychology of that is super interesting, and something I’d love to learn more about, but alas, I am not an expert here to school you on that. You know what I *am* an expert in? IP LAW. STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLES.

So here is a partial list of all the theatre content we have watched legally recently. I want to emphasize that this is a partial list. I’m not including shows I really disliked because that would just be rude, and I’m not including things lots of you probably watched like last week’s Cats livestream because I thought I had more time (I really dislike that ALW’s drops are only 24 hours in the UK, but 48 for the rest of the world. I HIGHLY DISLIKE THAT THAT RULE CAUSED ME TO MISS THAT SHOW BUT OH WELL, I AM NOT ENTITLED TO SEE THAT JUST BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO.) Anyway, my point is, there is SO MUCH to watch. I have a to-watch list a mile long. Tell me again how there’s just nooo way to see anything good legally??

• Into the Woods – The original Broadway production (well with a replacement Cinderella (who is fabulous)) is on YouTube. I KNOW. The more I watch this show, the more I impressed I am. It has some of the most genius lyrics that are also incredibly efficient, like my favorite “careful the things you wish/wishes come true/not free.” THAT’S THE WHOLE THING, wishes are not free. Ugh this show is so good.
• Sunday in the Park with George – The original Broadway production, also on YouTube, was shown on PBS decades ago. I remember my mom, obsessed with Mandy Patinkin, watched it in awe and I was like in single digits but remember watching with her and being like ‘oh theatre is magic, I get it, I’m gonna love this shit’. This show is my happy place, and I watched it a lot while I was stuck in bed. I think ‘Move On’ is my favorite Sondheim song. So deep and so moving and oh my god the choice may have been mistaken the choosing was not??? FUCK ME UP FAM.
• Cyprus Avenue – Speaking of stuff that forking destroys you, this 2016 play starring Stephen Rea did just that but not in a good way. It tricks you into thinking it’s funny but then nooope it is beyond harrowing. Really well done and really effective but my god, I was messed up for days.
• I and You – This production with Maisie Williams at the Hampstead Theatre was not my favorite; in fact, I despised her character with every fiber of my being, so annoying. But the ending was pretty interesting, even if it loses some of it’s power from the coincidence that Maisie’s Game of Thrones castmate did a romcom last year with the exact same twist. Hey, hey that’s joincidence with a c.
• One Man, Two Guvnors – The National Theatre’s worldwide livestreams have been an very welcome addition to the quarantine online viewing, and this is definitely my favorite. We saw this show, with pre-USA-famous James Corden, on Broadway, so to see the London production (the same cast, I believe) was a treat. It’s always fun to note what the two different audiences laugh at. Oliver Chris’s pompous posh boy was one of the funniest performances I have ever, ever seen, and we are still quoting him all the time, yop, yop, yop. It’s almost sad to realize that the hummus bit wasn’t unique to our performance, but THANK GOD the audience member who gets absolutely tortured was in on it.
• Jesus Christ Superstar – ALW’s weekly show drops have been a lot of fun because he is forking insane. His catalogue is as random as my symptom squirrel, but I love it. This one was a great weekend afternoon treat, with a fantastic performance from Tim Minchin as Judas. The music in this show is largely great and fun, and this production’s extra rock concert vibe and setting worked.
• Pride & Prejudice the Musical – This new musical, recording in a regional theatre in California, was SO fun. I absolutely love P&P (who doesn’t) and this was a very pleasant and enjoyable version, although I wish the songs were more memorable. We watched the full 100 hour Colin Firth miniseries soon after, so worth it, although I think I prefer the Keira movie!
• Jane Eyre – Okay so this play from the National is long, but it is very effective. I hated the horse noise interludes, but that is in large part due to how absolutely horrendous the sound quality on YouTube is, with the dialogue being too quiet but the horse noises shaking our walls. I found the lead performance very moving and wonderful.
• Bandstand – The Playbill.com paid release of this exquisite 2016 Broadway show solidified that it’s one of my favorites, even though it makes me cry literally the entire time. You can search ‘bandstand’ at the top of this page to read my review from back then so I won’t go into all the details now, but man alive it is perfection. HOT DAM COREY COTT. Why this was a short-term release is beyond me, especially if it’s paid, just keep making that bank guys and leave it up.
• Beardo – Okay so we ABSOLUTELY ADORE Dave Malloy, especially when his work is super weird (always), but this was probably his weirdest show yet. It was enjoyable and the music my god I LOVE that he has such a recognizable sound. But it was so f-ing weird.
• Drawing the Line – This play from the Hampstead Theatre about how India and Pakistan were divided by British buffoons was interesting, if not my favorite or the most exciting show.
• Phantom of the Opera – ALW dropped the Sierra Boggess – Ramin Karimloo version, and Sierra is my favorite Christine so I was happy that his was husbo’s first full-length exposure to this BONKERS show. I love it. The music is so good and the story is so batshit, god ALW you one crazy mufucka.
• Love Never Dies – I had heard that this sequel to Phantom was bonkerballs as well, and it was not. It was actually quite tame compared to the original, with only one generally memorale/good song. I enjoyed it, actually, but I wanted more batshit besides how awful they made Raoul. It is quite an accomplishment, however, that they made him so bad that you actually root for Christine to be with the crazy deformed murderer guy, did everyone forget that he was a murderer?
• The Arrest of Ai Weiwei – this was ANXIETY ON A STICK, jfc. The Chinese government, woof. I guess that means it was hella effective and successful.
• Frankenstein (Jonny Lee Miller as the Creature) – I love that the National released both version of this acclaimed production, with JLM and Bandersnatch Cummerbund switching roles of the doctor and his creature. This was some heavy, dark shit, and wow, it was AMAZING. I loved JLM as the creature because he was so sympathetic and even though he pulls a Phantom and starts a-murdering, you feel for him. (Thanks Cadry for that tip!)
• By Jeeves – This was hilariously painful, ALDubs. Not even Donna Lynne Champlin saved this for me. However, I’m sharing it because if you are a) British or b) a fan at all of PG Wodehouse, you will enjoy this. I am technically #a but not really, and apparently defffffinitely not #b.
• Sea Wall -This 30 minute monologue written for and performed by Andrew Scott is on YouTube if you want to get tricked into thinking it’s fun to watch the Hot Priest do something new to you but then somehow start bawling and feeling sick with grief for a fictional person, so.
• Legally Blonde – Back when MTV did the reality show “The Search for Elle Woods” (inferior to the amazing “Legally Brown” search for the new piragua guy) to find the Broadway cast’s new star, they shared this proshot of the original production, which is on YouTube. It is such a fun show, with the BEST opening number (hello Annaleigh Ashford you queen). However, be warned that the MTV audience was very much the precursor to the NBC/ABC live musical event audiences where the producers aparrently tell them ‘just scream and shout and wooo as much as you possible can! it’ll be great!’ it is not great.
• Shrek – The proshot of the original Broadway production is on Netflix for most of the world, but luckily for those of us in the UK, it’s also on Amazon to rent for £3.49. One of the most surprising shows with a wonderful score, Shrek will fill you with joy and make you cry at how moving Brian D’arcy James is and how jealous even Eugene Levy would be of his eyebrows.
• Oh, Hello – This may be the most I ever paid for a show in person (and we took my brother too, and it was the hardest we’ve ever laughed maybe, oh my god they are geniuses) but I still am giddy over getting this free on Netflix (well free after Netflix costs). Jon Mulaney and Nick Kroll are sick geniuses. I’ve been listening to their new Oh, Hello p’dcast where they…talk about Princess Diana and it is just as ridic and hilarious as it sounds, I adore them.
• Newsies – Available to rent on Amazon, this recording of the original Broadway cast is a joy. You get Jeremy Jordan and you get the most gymnastic choreography Broadway maybe ever saw, what more could you want? I saw this standing room, so this is one online experience I think I prefer (sooo funny to be like ‘ow my feet and back hurt’ when you are watching boys do like, 1000 backflips on newspapers).
• West Side Story – The classic movie version, the absolute best, is on Netflix. I still cry a whole forking lot it’s so damn wonderful.
• South Pacific – The 1958 movie was on TV here on my birthday! What a treat! It’s also on Amazon! Mitzi Gaynor is no Kelli O’Hara but it’s still pretty great!
• Hello, Dolly! – The Barbra Streisand version is on Amazon people. Helloooooo Dolly welcome into my hoooooome Dolly.
• Oklahoma! – we saw the new dark Broadway production last year and fell head over heels for it, it was so flipping amazing. This original movie is much lighter but a great watch, on Amazon.
• Pippin – The original Broadway production from 1981 is on Amazon, what are you EVEN DOING if you aren’t watching it.
• Eugenius – This sweet and clever London musical about a teen who writes comics about superheroes is on YouTube. I really enjoyed this show in London and I’m so glad they are making it available online. So fun!
• Passing Strange – On YouTube to buy or rent, this Broadway show from Stew was compelling and unique. I don’t think I appreciated it when I saw it live, so it’s a treat to reexamine and reexperience it.
• Miss Saigon -The 2016 West End 25th Anniversary Gala performance is on Amazon, with Eva Noblezada as Kim. She is. Forking. Amazing.
• 21 Chump Street – a 20 minute musical written by Lin-Manuel? Yes please. Free on YouTube and worth the extremely short time commitment, even if you will be angry because ACAB.
• Take Me to the World: Sondheim’s 90th Birthday Celebration – I have watched this YouTube tribute at least 500 times in the past few weeks. I wasn’t even a huge fan of Melissa Errico or Elizabeth Stanley before but after hearing their versions of “Children and Art” and “The Miller’s Son”, respectively, I would kill for them.
• Smash Reunion Concert – I’m sure I will watch this one 500x as well. Here’s the link!

A lot of these were available for years before the pandemic. There are dozens of productions out there, at least. Many more than most people get to see live in their lifetimes. Tell me again how there’s nothing??

I’ve also watched 10 or so full Tony Awards broadcasts from the previous century, it’s so fun. Audra still dominates, what a ledge. They used to wait to applaud each announced nominee until all 4-5 were announced, SO POLITE. But that stopped about the same time they started playing off every speech after only 8 seconds. It’s really fun to watch how the awards show changed, from a calm polite event with little intro speeches from like Bernadette to the raucous energy parades of like NPH jumping through a hoop while singing. LOVES IT.

I’ve obviously watched even more television and movie content, which I will share in a separate post since this, as per my uzh, is Quite Long. What have you watched? I want to know! I want to talk about theatreeee it’s my favorite thing to do! Is there anything on my list that you didn’t know about and are going to watch? dooo itttt.