Wadi Shab is Gorges: My Favorite Place in Oman (+ Bimmah Sinkhole!)by Randi / July 10, 2019It’s Theatre Thursday! Today we are talking about the debut London production of The Light in the Piazza, which ended its run last weekend AND which was announced by a staffer at Southbank Centre as “The Light in the Pizza will begin in 3 minutes” I kid you not.
The year before I studied abroad in Florence (“in Firenze in Firenze in Firenze in Firenze the painting of the world! it started then and there, and here we are!” if you don’t know all the words to this show you got some work to do), I saw the new Broadway musical The Light in the Piazza, and I was blown away by how gorgeous it was. I screamed and danced in my seat (in my head! not a monster) at the golden age-adjacent score, the poignancy of the emotional beats, and the breakout performance from the person who would become my ATQ (all-time queen), Kelli O’Hara. I loved the show so much I saw it again and I screamed in my seat “YUP DEFINITELY STUDYING IN FIRENZE AND DEFINITELY GONNA FIND FABRIZIO AND BE LIKE SELL TOO MANY TIES FOR ME FABBY!” (but in my head). So when they announced that the show was finally coming to London (only took 14 years) and not only that, but starring RENEE FORKING FLEMING?? Again, screaming in the seat, in my head. If ever I was overexcited for a show, boy howdy was this one it (it’s okay to talk like that because the characters are southern). And if ever I was going to be disappointed…well, dammit.
The problem is, well there are several. Overall, the book is problematic as all get-out, and the perfection of the Broadway production distracted me from noticing OH SHIT THIS IS MR. F GOES TO ITALY. (If you don’t get that joke you should watch “Arrested Development”.) This was also Z’s very first exposure to the show, so being cognizant of that meant I was thinking of how this production of this show worked as a representative for the material, and it wasn’t great. This show is PROBlematic as fuuuuuuck! (Z’s the one that pointed out the Mr. F thing.) (He was pretty much Lindy West for Love Actually about this show.)
So why is this show so cringey? Let’s share the plot. (NB the show is based on a 1960 novella and subsequent 1962 film so we can’t blame book writer Craig Lucas for everything.) The Light in the Piazza takes place in the 1950s, when a well-to-do southern belle named Margaret Johnson takes her daughter Clara to Italy. Clara is carefree and child-like, but looks to be in her 20s – except not in this production, because as played by Dove Cameron (which is a great name for a very Italian show, because it’s like ‘where is Cameron?’), Clara looks 14 AT MOST, which makes everything much worse. Clara meets a young man named Fabrizio (“Fabriiiiiiizioooooo”) and they fall in love and want to get married, even though they literally have had half of one conversation total because Clara does not speak Italian and Fabrizio only speaks THE MOST ADORABLE VERSION OF BROKEN ENGLISH EVER DOCUMENTED IN AN ART. He sings to her about her milky-white skin (“milky-hwite…milky-hwite…” that’s from A League of their Own not this) without knowing the word for ‘skin’ so he keeps saying milk and it’s the best part when done right and so ANYWAY, the kids want to get married even though they just met and don’t know each other and Margaret is like ‘that’s a bad idea, no’ even though Fabby’s family is like ‘This is great idea! Everyone marry now! we eatah the pasta!’ Clara meets Fabrizio’s family which includes his (hilarious) brother and the brother’s wife Franca who is the GODDAMN WORST. Franca is mad at her husband because he cheated on her (which is painted over as not a big deal by everyone but especially by the Italian mother who is like ‘you have no real romance or love if there is no deception and suspicion!’ weird take) so instead of having a conversation with her husband, she flirts with Fabrizio and keeps trying to kiss him, which rightly drives Clara into a fury, and instead of everyone being like Clara is forking right, they make her apologize for getting angry which made ME fly into a fury. And all the meanwhile Franca is this devil whispering bad things into Clara’s ear and it’s very troubling and wrong and Franca sucks.
You’d think a mother not wanting her young dumb daughter to marry literally a STRANGER in a foreign country would be enough of a reason, but this is the 1950s when all you want for a girl is to marry her off so Margaret needs a better, bigger reason to not want to SELL HER DAUGHTER PERMANENTLY TO ITALIANS. And boy howdy, she has one. Margaret keeps hinting and hinting at Clara being not what she seems and this is my favorite part of this experience, because at intermission Z said to me excitedly “I think I know what the secret is! Clara has been lobotomized! It’s like your other favorite show Next to Normal! It’s Next to the Piazza!” Even though Next to the Piazza is the best thing ever and I’m definitely going to write that mashup, I had to warn him that the real reason was not as interesting as that. No, we find out that Clara not only looks 12 but she acts 12 as well for good reason: because at age 12 she was kicked in the head by a pony and stopped developing mentally. She is mentally and cognitively disabled and so her mother, rightly so, doesn’t want to leave her in a foreign country for the rest of her life with strangers who a) don’t know that and b) don’t know how to take care of her.
Oh but she does! They get married! Happy ending! Such romance!
And this brings us to the most annoying parts of this show. For Problem A) HOLY FORKING SHIRT that should be an easy fix: Forking TELL FABRIZIO. This is not a secret you can or should hide! This is supposed to be her husband! What the fork is wrong with you people! Ughhhh. Isn’t this a CRIME?! Like can she legally consent? We need more information on that front and her future husband um DEFINITELY needs more information. And for Problem B), this makes me sad, because in the original production it was made clearer that the bond between Fabrizio and Clara was special, so special that Fabby instinctively knew how to take care of her. It’s shown through all his little actions, but only spoken of once. In this production, that one spoken moment was all we got, so it seemed insufficient. Rob Houchen as Fabrizio was absolutely the high point of this production, but I think the direction failed him in this regard because the whole show should have been constantly showing how perfectly matched they were so that this disturbing story was ameliorated the tiniest bit.
The direction failed in a lot of ways, actually, which made the book problems strikingly obvious instead of something I previously could semi-dismiss. There’s a big climactic scene when Fabrizio’s father announces the wedding is off because he sees Clara’s handwritten form. Margaret thinks it’s because the father thinks her handwriting is too childish (which is not a good reason?), but it’s because he finally saw her age and she’s too old for his son – she’s 26 and he’s 20. (I could have sworn that in the original production she was 29 but whatever.) Margaret’s reaction here was of relief: he didn’t find out our secret! That’s a TERRIBLE reaction – it shouldn’t BE A SECRET IF THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED. She laughs it off in her relief and the audience laughs and it made me angry again because it wasn’t funny and shouldn’t have been brushed aside. On Broadway it was still tense and more sophisticatedly handled; here it was like ‘oh it’s just that you think she’s too old haha! No she is mentally 12 is that better for you?’
Anyway they get married and Margaret reprises the most moving line to me, the title of the show. When Clara sings it first, she’s talking about the light being her love, for Fabrizio. At the end, on Broadway, it was the incandescent Victoria Clark watching her daughter get married and sharing that she, Clara, is her light. And it’s forking heartbreaking and wonderful (even though you are like BUT WAIT A SECOND MARGARET you still handled this situation like a real Mr. F). But here, Renee’s Margaret was like…trying to get Clara to actually look at the actual light in the piazza during the wedding ceremony? It was so awkward and not emotional. I mean I still cried because it’s the BEST SHOW but still.
Renee Forking Fleming (official middle name) may be the best soprano in the world, like literally that’s what the world calls her, but her foray into musical theatre has been less than tops for me. I mean, her track record so far is this and last season’s Carousel on Broadway, which is ALSO INCREDIBLY PROBLEMATIC. And with a classic gorgeous AF score! Why is Renee’s jam doing beautiful musicals with forked up books?? Why can’t her jam be feminist musicals, modern works, or strawberry??!! It’s always a treat to see her live, because yes ‘best soprano in the world’, but she kind of goes into Kermit-mode when she’s not at the Met so maybe it’s best she sticks to operaaa I know I’m literally melting into my desk chair saying this because SACRILEGE but it wasn’t…the…best. The rest of the cast was strong, especially Houchen and Dove Cameron as Clara, but I’m let down by Margaret’s storyline. She ‘s the lead role, Clara is featured. But it seemed like the opposite here, and that’s a directional problem. At least the gorgeous, classic, epic, romantic score still sounded pretty darn great. I love that they gave the score the full orchestra (courtesy of Opera North) it deserved — even though everything sounded a full beat too slow. (Fabrizio’s “Love to Me” was a goddamn dirge. Again, director (plus conductor.))
Regardless of how forked up I realized this show is, I still love it so much and it’s still one of my favorites so what are we even doing here, go listen to the original Broadway cast album and enjoy.
INFORMATION
Even though this production closed last week, I have to discuss how badly the Southbank Centre is managed. First of all, whoever was in charge of pricing this show royally forked up, because it was way too expensive and thus criminally undersold. We bought cheap seats in the balcony boxes (‘cheap’ compared to how much they were gouging for even super rear stalls, which in this enormous barn of a theatre is too far back to pay so much for). Because the show was so undersold, they moved us from the balcony to those overpriced stalls. Win for us! But, they didn’t tell us till we went to go to our seats about 10 minutes before showtime. We had LITERALLY JUST picked up our tickets at the main floor box office, but they didn’t say anything there. Why didn’t they say anything there? But the lady waiting at the door upstairs was the one with the info? SO STUPID. Then, when we went to the stalls, the show started probably 10 minutes late because we noticed at least half the patrons were being turned away and told to exchange their computer print-outs for Southbank-issued tickets downstairs. Everyone was saying that the ticket agency they bought their tickets from (likely discounted) said these print-outs were their tickets! So why didn’t Southbank communicate with the agencies to tell their customers this info?? Infuriating incompetence. But that’s all on management; the actual staffers working the doors here were incredible (and just the messengers). Southbank needs to get its shit together! And more importantly, it needs to fire or not work with whoever priced this show – it was the final weekend and I don’t even think the mezzanine was open. Regardless of how fucked up the book is (SEE ABOVE), that’s a huge shame for such a big gorgeous show and for this cast and orchestra. FOR SHAME! SHAAAAAME.
Related Posts
“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Season 2: Episodes 5-9
Happy Pride Yall!
Oh herro! It’s been a while but guess what, I still haven’t finished season 2 of UKS! I spent a few weeks playing with my babiss (Helena voice) instead and ain’t nobody got time for television when you’re playing with the cutest puppy and cutest human in the whole world yes you are! And then we moved! And then people in the UK decided they hated the world and themselves and voted to destroy everything! Burn it all down! So there’s been a lot going on!
Before I was recapping just 2 episodes at a time, but ugh that would literallyyyy take foreverrrr? (Dong’s Kardashian voice!) and you all finished watching anywayyyyy so here’s like 5 and I just wanna share my favorite parts. So really this is a listicle, Buzzfeed a-hat style, of fun things instead because I just want to get this done with already Kimbecile! So really, think of this instead as is my imitation of a Buzzfeed piece! Enjoy!
Before I was recapping just 2 episodes at a time, but ugh that would literallyyyy take foreverrrr? (Dong’s Kardashian voice!) and you all finished watching anywayyyyy so here’s like 5 and I just wanna share my favorite parts. So really this is a listicle, Buzzfeed a-hat style, of fun things instead because I just want to get this done with already Kimbecile! So really, think of this instead as is my imitation of a Buzzfeed piece! Enjoy!
Episode 5: Kimmy Gives Up!
My prize for absolute winner of episode goes to Kimmy’s cold-open interaction with the staff member at the school she takes her GED class:
Kimmy: “That’s Dong Wen! We were basically the Roz & Frasier of our class. But not sexy like that, just, ya know, cool.”
Woman: “Yeah I get it. I kinda have a Kyle & Maxine thing with my boss. Oh you don’t know ‘Living Single’? But I’m supposed to know everything about ‘Frasier’?”
I was crying.
Jane’s (can I just call her Jane, Jacqueline takes too long to type; I’ll probably alternate) fake moving box labels were amazing: Silver, Crystal, Grand Piano. In this episode, Jacqueline was lent a gown for a benefit by Karl Lagerfeld, from that asshat’s designer line called ‘Crottes des Nez’. That might seem like a whatever line, unless you know French, like I do. No I used google because I knew it had to be something good. Guess what, it means boogers! Tee hee! Karl Lagerfeld is a booger maker! And a big booger himself! (He’s on my list.)
Buckley’s school was cancelled for Rupert Murdoch’s birthday, and Jacqueline of course can’t afford help (and Kimmy turned out to be just another one of Buckley’s drawings on the wall), so Jacqueline has to watch her own son for an entire day. Perish the thought! She thinks she is up to the challenge but very quickly learns she isn’t. His doctor gives her Dyziplen, the coolest new trend in rich people drugging their kids so they don’t have to parent. Buckley and all the other kids on the playground turn into quiet, sullen robots, to Jacqueline’s delight…at least at first.
Doctor: Your son’s in good physical health…But in terms of behavioral development Buckley could benefit from a little discipline.
Jane: Ohh…
Doctor: Don’t worry, I’m not talking about actual parenting. I know how busy we all are. I’m talking about medication.
This was all worth it for when Jacqueline started Dyziplen-ing out at the fitting, seeing all the Booger clothes as boring gray stuff. “What’s happening…my brain…it’s Talbotsing!”
Dong was around, I don’t remember really why, but I remember this burn on white travelers: “I don’t want to go back to Vietnam, Kimmy. It’s full of baby-boomer tourists trying to feel something!”
Kimmy’s best line was of course her list of favorite jams: “Giving up is not my jam. My jams are grape, jock, and space!” Even Questlove tweeted this one out! Instant classic!
But the episode fully belonged to Titus (I mean as usual). It started with his perfectly deadpan response to Kimmy’s nonsense:
Kimmy: “Without blue, my entire scrunchie rotation is off. I mean, I can’t wear a green scrunchie on Thursday! Everyone will think I’m horny!”
Titus: “That’s true. I will.”
From there he only got better and better, as the show combined its two best aspects into the most enjoyable combination: Titus being nuts, and the ridiculously crazy original songs. Titus was so happy that he sang songs from failed (really failed) musicals. When Lillian called him out on it, he responded in true Titus form that I have been singing for weeks now:
I’m just an ordinary gay! Cry face emoji!
And here’s his rendition of the hysterically awful song from “Feels like Love”.
You might not have noticed but the voice of Daddy in the recording played in a different scene was Jefferson Mays! “You’re My baby Now” was the creepiest song ever made while retaining a feel-good vibe and jolly rhythm!
Last but not least, this season’s most improved character Lillian had my favorite passage: “I know you haven’t been studying because I found your GED books coated with a day’s worth of asbestos. What are you doing? Also try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.”
Last but not least, this season’s most improved character Lillian had my favorite passage: “I know you haven’t been studying because I found your GED books coated with a day’s worth of asbestos. What are you doing? Also try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.”
Episode 6: Kimmy Drives a Car!
Oh man this episode was JOY, except ughhh Fred Armisen is back. Stop putting him in all my shows for no good reason! Titus and Lillian decide to put the apartment on AirBnB – “so it’s like a sleepover but with strangers?…AND THEY PAY YOU??” Their first guests are Shosh (Zosia Mamet) and her boyfriend, hipsters to end all hipsters who, to Lillian’s horror, would contribute to the gentrification of their hood. But oh that horror leads to comic gold. She asks boyfriend some questions, like what he does for work (which is a word they don’t believe in, but they design artisan sneakers), and when he decided to grow his super hipster mustache, to which he responded, “I saw Michael Cera had one and I was like, I’m in.” Lillian’s response was to scream the following, which is my favorite thing poss ever:
The best!! Lillian had her best episode ever, with all of her lines being quotable, which is what I’m gonna do.
“You think I’m crazy just because they named that disorder after me. But this time I’m right.”
Lillian: “We already have a way to get sneakers around here – we wait till they fall off the telephone wire.”
Titus: “And they want to open Sole Food in an old soul food restaurant? Like how the first Hooters was opened in an old mammagram center?”
Lillian: “It’s not gross to me. And it wasn’t gross to my late husband, Roland.”
Titus: “Well until recently I couldn’t even have a dead husband so hashtag, respect my journey.”
Kenan Thompson as Lillian’s husband Roland was the best casting! I want more Roland and Lillian flashbacks. Especially if it’s to the exclusion of Armisen. One SNL alum at a time.
The dynamic duo outsmarted the hipster duo into leaving their neighborhood by out hipstering them, making them think the neighborhood had already become too hip and that they were too late. Titus as the hipster was genius! He is so wise. His get-up as the bouncer to the secret club was too much!
“You think I’m crazy just because they named that disorder after me. But this time I’m right.”
Lillian: “We already have a way to get sneakers around here – we wait till they fall off the telephone wire.”
Titus: “And they want to open Sole Food in an old soul food restaurant? Like how the first Hooters was opened in an old mammagram center?”
Lillian: “It’s not gross to me. And it wasn’t gross to my late husband, Roland.”
Titus: “Well until recently I couldn’t even have a dead husband so hashtag, respect my journey.”
Kenan Thompson as Lillian’s husband Roland was the best casting! I want more Roland and Lillian flashbacks. Especially if it’s to the exclusion of Armisen. One SNL alum at a time.
The dynamic duo outsmarted the hipster duo into leaving their neighborhood by out hipstering them, making them think the neighborhood had already become too hip and that they were too late. Titus as the hipster was genius! He is so wise. His get-up as the bouncer to the secret club was too much!
Other great lines:
Kimmy: “If I find a job in the classifieds, am I allowed to tell anyone?” Amazing! Why is it called that! Seriously!
Titus: “Things change! I don’t look anything like I did when I was a baby!…Ok, bad example.” Get it because he looks like a baby.
Titus: “What’s scary about leatherbound books? Just a bunch of cows and trees that won’t rest until we pay for what we’ve done to them!!!”
Jacqueline: “And now I’m standing on a street named after a…rapper, I guess.”
Camera cuts to Malcolm X Blvd.
Kimmy: “For your information, Malcolm the 10th was a black pope.”
Kimmy recommending a dentist to Jane: “He does walk-ins and his bus ads make it very clear that he does not snitch.”
Jane: “I get making people wait for a kidney, but this is something people can see! The mouth is the eyes of the lower face!”
Jane’s whole dental debacle was pretty wonderful, for jokes and for character growth. Her temporary fix of a Mento stuck to her tooth paid off in spades when it fell into the receptionist’s Coke and the whole thing erupted like the biggest volcano in the world all over the dentist’s office. And I loved that they ended the episode with a Mentos commercial where they couldn’t actually say the word Mentos. A+ episode, with the second plus that I gave it subtracted because Armisen. (Every time I say his name I shake my fist in the air so picture that.)
Episode 7: Kimmy Walks Into a Bar!
Mimi Kanassis is back!! And making jokes about the British! Hoorah! Jane and Mimi were planning Jane’s big comeback benefit gala, with Mimi in charge of invitations – “I spelled honour with a ‘u’ like they do in England!” My UK iPhone does that. It is annoying because it keeps autocorrecting my more efficient spelling and I hate it. It changes my z’s to s’s too AND, because it was programmed by Borat, adds ‘not’ to the ends of lots of sentences. That one I don’t even get I think I’m being punked.
Anyway, this one focused a lot on Jacqueline, Mimi, and our favorite socialite since Celerie Kemble (I used to read the Vogue society section), Deirdre Robespierre, as they embarked upon gala season.
Deirdre: “And I know it just started, but I am already so exhausted by gala season!”
Jacqueline: “Tell me about it! Did you know that poor people don’t even have to do gala season?”
Deirdre: “What?! They just skip it?! Then why do they look so tired all the time?”
Besides Deirdre, the best was that Mimi f-ed up the invitations by trying to do the date the British way – day then month then year, so instead of today being 6.26.16 it would be 26.6.26 IT’S THE WORST and I’m really glad Kimmy Schmidt brought attention to how disastrous this English trickery can be. ENGLISH TRICKERY ABOUNDS. Unfortunately, the actual gala date wasn’t as obvious as today’s date is (because there is no 26th month in our calendar do you get it), and their 10.11 instead of 11.10 was easily confused. Damn the English and their stupid stupid decisions.
Mimi did make one incredible decision though – taking care of the musical guest, Sia, herself.
Anyway, this one focused a lot on Jacqueline, Mimi, and our favorite socialite since Celerie Kemble (I used to read the Vogue society section), Deirdre Robespierre, as they embarked upon gala season.
Deirdre: “And I know it just started, but I am already so exhausted by gala season!”
Jacqueline: “Tell me about it! Did you know that poor people don’t even have to do gala season?”
Deirdre: “What?! They just skip it?! Then why do they look so tired all the time?”
Besides Deirdre, the best was that Mimi f-ed up the invitations by trying to do the date the British way – day then month then year, so instead of today being 6.26.16 it would be 26.6.26 IT’S THE WORST and I’m really glad Kimmy Schmidt brought attention to how disastrous this English trickery can be. ENGLISH TRICKERY ABOUNDS. Unfortunately, the actual gala date wasn’t as obvious as today’s date is (because there is no 26th month in our calendar do you get it), and their 10.11 instead of 11.10 was easily confused. Damn the English and their stupid stupid decisions.
Mimi did make one incredible decision though – taking care of the musical guest, Sia, herself.
It was sad that their last-minute gala failed because the guests were all awful white 1%ers who don’t care about anyone else. The episode ended on a really sad note! But I love that Deirdre is just dark knighting Jacqueline this whole time and is indeed as insane as the joker, needing an equal worthy of the fight to be a lasting archrival. Genius. I need Jane to be back at her former level too. It’s weird feeling sorry for her ever. She is slowly getting back there though.
Jane: “And as soon as I stopped making those jokes, he did leave her! Men find funny women disgusting.”
In other stories, Titus and Mikey are freaking adorable and I hope they stay happy. I loved when they were trying to act bro-ish with the guys from the construction site and they all go “Sup…sup” and Titus goes “soup”. And nothing beats when Titus said to Mikey, “I saw how you were with the other contraption workers.” !!
Titus and Kimmy’s best interaction:
Titus: “Kimbecile what do I always say?”
Kimmy: “Don’t touch my dolls, they’re strictly look-upons?”
Titus: “Not that.”
The best thing by far though was the quick shot showing Pizza Rat Boulevard! He deserves it.
Episode 8: Kimmy Goes to a Hotel
We open where the season started – at Kimmy’s Christmas party! The one that asked us so many questions and then never returned to answer them, until now. Mimi Kanassis is there for some reason, Sonia barges in through the window to accuse Kimmy of stealing her husband, and Jacqueline is upset because the painting she spent all her money on needs to be returned to the descendants of the Jewish family the Nazis stole it from. Two of these lead to storylines. As far as I can remember, Mimi just slept on the couch the whole time. Mimi is wise.
First of all, the not so fun one. So Jacqueline’s $11.5 million painting, in addition to being the one thing shoring up Jacqueline’s claim to social status, is the subject of a legal battle. “The Jews are stealing my painting!” is Jacqueline’s take on it, but really it’s the kind of reparations we’ve heard about in real life. Kind of an odd choice for this show to include such a serious, awkward topic just to provide Jacqueline with the opportunity for some small growth.
Then Kimmy & Dong went to an abandoned hotel and had a fun time, but really it made me feel awkward. It was all awkward. I know we’re supposed to root for them but it was just too weird, this whole thing and really the whole episode. The only things that stuck with me were amazing Mikey & Titus interactions and obviously a reference to Hams.
First of all, the not so fun one. So Jacqueline’s $11.5 million painting, in addition to being the one thing shoring up Jacqueline’s claim to social status, is the subject of a legal battle. “The Jews are stealing my painting!” is Jacqueline’s take on it, but really it’s the kind of reparations we’ve heard about in real life. Kind of an odd choice for this show to include such a serious, awkward topic just to provide Jacqueline with the opportunity for some small growth.
Then Kimmy & Dong went to an abandoned hotel and had a fun time, but really it made me feel awkward. It was all awkward. I know we’re supposed to root for them but it was just too weird, this whole thing and really the whole episode. The only things that stuck with me were amazing Mikey & Titus interactions and obviously a reference to Hams.
Bests
Mikey as Santa: “I can’t kiss you! I’m married, and Mrs. Claus is a beautiful and very sexual woman.”
Titus: “Where was all this acting commitment when I asked you to say it was my birthday at Baskin Robbins?!”
THAT IS ME I always want to say it’s my bday for free stuff!!
Titus: “You’re the worst actor since Cate Blanchett.”
Mikey: “What? She’s great!”
Titus: “IS she? Or is she just tall.”
OMG YESSSS! This is so ridiculous that it makes it seem true! I love how Titus doesn’t even ask, he states that last part because he knows it’s so true. I mean it’s not true, but it really makes you think about it.
Loved the part about the callback for Hamilton!
If I can rap and walk quickly in a circle, can I be in “Hamilton”?
Joshua Jackson in the convenience store and Kimmy yelling condoms suuuper awkwardly were hilarious bits! That’s the part that redeemed their whole storyline, sort of. But nothing upon nothing beats the crew singing Christmas carols and including this gem: “Come on let’s order pizza, come on let’s order pizza” is a much better lyric than ‘oh come let us adore him’. Oh my god when writing this I just sang it out loud and husband thought I sang “Come on let’s murder people” and is freaking out and I had no idea why because I’m just sitting here singing about pizza.
Episode 9: Kimmy Meets a Drunk Lady
Well, Titus has quit his job at the Jekyll & Hyde place, and his unemployment has led a bit of cabin fever that includes lots and lots of doll hair-styling. In this listless state of his, he complains to Kimmy, “SO FAR NO ONE’S OFFERED ME ANY AMAZING JOBS IN THIS APARTMENT.” Perfection.
So the drunk lady in the title is Tina Fey in a role A BAJILLION TIMES BETTER than the lawyer of the first season. It’s not even right to make a comparison. It’s like apples and hepatitis. Tina plays a therapist who gets super drizzunk at night to the point where she is sort of a whole different person, and her day and night selves hate each other. Kimmy picks up Drunk Night Tina in her job as an Uber driver, which is a brilliant development and way for someone to use Jacqueline’s stolen cop car (painted black). Kimmy complains to her a little about her roommate trouble and gets some good advice from Tina about how to handle it.
Tina: “You need to go home and tells him, what’s his name? Titties? You say, Titties, I value my needs and I needs to take a shower.”
Tina’s line when Kimmy drops her off made me pause and cackle. It’s the best line in years and I have used it about 97 times since hearing it, including in parking lots and in my She LOVES ME review.
So the drunk lady in the title is Tina Fey in a role A BAJILLION TIMES BETTER than the lawyer of the first season. It’s not even right to make a comparison. It’s like apples and hepatitis. Tina plays a therapist who gets super drizzunk at night to the point where she is sort of a whole different person, and her day and night selves hate each other. Kimmy picks up Drunk Night Tina in her job as an Uber driver, which is a brilliant development and way for someone to use Jacqueline’s stolen cop car (painted black). Kimmy complains to her a little about her roommate trouble and gets some good advice from Tina about how to handle it.
Tina: “You need to go home and tells him, what’s his name? Titties? You say, Titties, I value my needs and I needs to take a shower.”
Tina’s line when Kimmy drops her off made me pause and cackle. It’s the best line in years and I have used it about 97 times since hearing it, including in parking lots and in my She LOVES ME review.
The storyline got really annoying when they broke into a stranger’s house to steal a dog. Tina writes herself into shit and then gets stuck in it too often on this show and it’s so annoying! But overall her role is a great move. I’m excited to see what happens in their therapy sessions.
One quick thing in this episode that I found absolutely brilliant was Titus taking off his earrings and putting his hair up (no earrings and no hair), prepping to fight.
One quick thing in this episode that I found absolutely brilliant was Titus taking off his earrings and putting his hair up (no earrings and no hair), prepping to fight.
But nothing beats the Billy on the Street cameo, repeating the question about whether Cate Blanchett is good or just tall! THE BEST. I love Billy!
Kimmy’s best line: “I can help get that vodka monkey off your back…and into a tuxedo, the way monkeys look best!”
THE END FOR NOW. Did you think you were reading Buzzfeed?! I bet. Except there were words in addition to pictures.
Kimmy’s best line: “I can help get that vodka monkey off your back…and into a tuxedo, the way monkeys look best!”
THE END FOR NOW. Did you think you were reading Buzzfeed?! I bet. Except there were words in addition to pictures.
“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Season 2: Episodes 1 & 2!!
DOGGIE
We’re back dammit! It’s a miracle!
If you didn’t sing that to the catchy af theme song of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”, that likely means that you don’t watch it, which definitely means that you are missing out ON LIFE. This show, from Tina Fey and a guy my brother knows, had one of the funniest first seasons for a sitcom, full stop (look I’m British now). Sure, Season 1 had its low points (the whole trial b.s. and the Native American stuff), but its high points were so high it all averaged out to be above average. So good at math. This goofy show makes viewers so happy. Lucky for the world, so in need of more happiness, season 2 is out today!
If you didn’t sing that to the catchy af theme song of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”, that likely means that you don’t watch it, which definitely means that you are missing out ON LIFE. This show, from Tina Fey and a guy my brother knows, had one of the funniest first seasons for a sitcom, full stop (look I’m British now). Sure, Season 1 had its low points (the whole trial b.s. and the Native American stuff), but its high points were so high it all averaged out to be above average. So good at math. This goofy show makes viewers so happy. Lucky for the world, so in need of more happiness, season 2 is out today!
If you really don’t watch it, go watch it on Netflix right now. If you don’t have Netflix, go buy it; you get a free trial anyway. If for some reason you can’t buy a Netflix membership or get the free trial and then cancel that shiz, I will give you my account info. That’s how good this show is and how much I think you deserve to watch it. Something I said in this paragraph may be a lie, and it’s up to you to find out what it is.
So, quick recap: Kimmy Schmidt is the true adorkable television heroine of our time, played to silly and ridiculous perfection by Ellie Kemper, the redhead from “The Office” and “Bridesmaids” whose last name for some reason I really really want to keep saying/actually do keep saying as “Kempner” for no apparent reason. Did I go to camp with a Kempner? Do you know? Can you see me? Kimmy is this totally naïve, sheltered gal from the Midwest whooooo was kept as an unwitting hostage by a crazy doomsday cult leader (Jon Hamm) in an underground bunker for the last 15 years. Finally freed, she has a lot to comprehend (for starters, that the world didn’t end) with the knowledge, awareness, and social skills of a tween. But it’s a comedy. She moves to NYC, the perfect place for her blind trust and total innocence, and finds an apartment owned by Carol Kane’s landlord Lilian, with the most incredible roommate maybe in television history, Tituss Burgess’s Titus Andromedon. (Real name 2 s’s (esses?), fake name 1. Actually, real name 4 s’s/esses.) And, she gets a job as a nanny for a rich beeyotchamaphone named Jacqueline Voorhees, a role I assume was written specifically for Jane Krakowski because she is red underlined 100 emoji. Titus, on the other hand, is the red 100 emoji surrounded by 10 flame balls on each side. His role was indeed written for him. I love how much he saaaaaaaaaaaaang in season 1! Let’s see what happens next!
So, quick recap: Kimmy Schmidt is the true adorkable television heroine of our time, played to silly and ridiculous perfection by Ellie Kemper, the redhead from “The Office” and “Bridesmaids” whose last name for some reason I really really want to keep saying/actually do keep saying as “Kempner” for no apparent reason. Did I go to camp with a Kempner? Do you know? Can you see me? Kimmy is this totally naïve, sheltered gal from the Midwest whooooo was kept as an unwitting hostage by a crazy doomsday cult leader (Jon Hamm) in an underground bunker for the last 15 years. Finally freed, she has a lot to comprehend (for starters, that the world didn’t end) with the knowledge, awareness, and social skills of a tween. But it’s a comedy. She moves to NYC, the perfect place for her blind trust and total innocence, and finds an apartment owned by Carol Kane’s landlord Lilian, with the most incredible roommate maybe in television history, Tituss Burgess’s Titus Andromedon. (Real name 2 s’s (esses?), fake name 1. Actually, real name 4 s’s/esses.) And, she gets a job as a nanny for a rich beeyotchamaphone named Jacqueline Voorhees, a role I assume was written specifically for Jane Krakowski because she is red underlined 100 emoji. Titus, on the other hand, is the red 100 emoji surrounded by 10 flame balls on each side. His role was indeed written for him. I love how much he saaaaaaaaaaaaang in season 1! Let’s see what happens next!
EPISODE 1: Kimmy Goes Roller Skating
When we return, aspects of Kimmy’s life have already fallen apart. She’s been dumped by her Vietnamese immigrant boyfriend Dong so he can marry for a green card. She lost her job because Jacqueline ran off to confront her Native American history and the family she abandoned out west (don’t think about this too much, about how white blonde lady is playing a guilty Native American, or about how this plot line does absolutely zilch for the show). And now her living situation is threatened, because Titus’s ex-wife (whom he abandoned before their first dance because as a homosexual he just couldn’t for another minute) is back demanding spousal support for the last 17 or so years, and Titus tends to flee in the face of adversity.
Should we start with the best or the worst? I like to do crap first and then think happy thoughts, but I’m still laughing at the good parts of this premiere, so let’s start there.
Should we start with the best or the worst? I like to do crap first and then think happy thoughts, but I’m still laughing at the good parts of this premiere, so let’s start there.
THE GREAT
Lilian is on board as Kimmy’s wingman after the sadness of Dong, so that means we got a lot more Lilian onscreen than usual. Although Carol Kane still hasn’t had the opportunity to scream that anyone is a “LIARRRRRRRRRRR!”, this change is very welcome. My favorite parts were a) when she and Kimmy stopped into the Grim Dollar Store (actual name, nice) and she said to Kimmy “I’ll be in intimates”; b) her outfit for their date night – Frankie Says Relax tee and insane tutu; and c) talking about her golden spaghetti hair and how it will attract men. She is so damn winning. She was actually funnier than Titus this episode, at least in terms of speaking parts. Titus still made the best faces, but this episode made him unlikable for most of it. Yeah, that was so his apology/redemption at the end was more satisfying, but still: non-singing, mean Titus? Hard pass.
In the Dollar Store, Kimmy runs into Dong and tries to act super uninterested and confident, but of course it’s fake and funny. So fast and easy to miss this great line:
Dong: Kimmy?
Kimmy: Dong.
Dong: So nice to see you!
Kimmy: I’d like that.
But then Dong WINS the episode when he shares that his English has improved because he’s been watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, which he proves when Kimmy says “It’s working,” and he responds, “Awww, you’re sweeeet” exactly like a Kardashian, complete with the trailing off vocal fry at the end. DIED. It was only topped when Kimmy invited him roller skating and he responded, also in the Kardashian voice, “So yeah, that sounds amaaaazing.” It was!!
Proving that she deserves an Emmy nomination too, Ellie Kemper is so flinging flanging great as Kimmy that I can’t really tell if she’s acting or if she is playing herself. She makes every face and delivers every line exactly right. Only she could make Kimmy’s angry “Well fudge that sugar! Fudge it to heck!” as hilarious as it was.
Wait, I take it back about Dong winning. He came close. The real winners were the tiny tiny role of Amtrak train conductor and whoever wrote this incredible exchange about Amtrak’s true purpose. I can’t rob you of the joy that comes from watching it by showing the text here, so here’s the video, omg.
I really am still crying at this. Maybe you had to have ridden Amtrak thousands of times throughout your East Coast life to appreciate it, but man alive this will be hard to beat.
MEH
Titus, though not at his character-best this episode, had a freaking dance number at the end, on a train platform, with his ex-wife. How this was not a showstopper moment is beyond me! What a wasted opportunity! My dancing is funnier than theirs was! And he could have sung something, anything.
TERRIBLE
So much time was dedicated to Jacqueline’s time with her Native American family and how she is messing everything up because she doesn’t fit in, and honestly this stuff is not any better than it was last season. It seems offensive and really it’s not funny at all. I just don’t get it. Honestly, you could fast forward through those parts and not lose anything. Get Jane back in NYC being a terrible person and a terrible step-mother to Some Hippie pronto!
REAL TERRIBLE
Why, oh god why, does every single sitcom in the history of the world (2010s) hire Fred Armisen as a guest star? Mallory Ortberg, maybe (probably) (definitely) the smart-funniest person in the world, has a famous (at least on twitter/to her disciples) TV Rule:
“every great comedy will have one nearly-unbearable episode where Fred Armisen guest-stars as an unfunny man with a godawful accent.” – M. Ortberg
It is proved true time and time again, like, every week I’m talking. It was bad enough when it happened on “Difficult People”, a show I had previously thought was made for me, but for this terrible, truest law to rear its ugly head on Kimmy? Seriously, I am so so sick of it. I do not like him in real life, I do tend to believe his wife, I do not like Fred Armisen, I do not like him Sam I am. Dear everyone in television: get a damn hold of yourselves and stop falling victim to this law. It’s pissing me off. THERE ARE MORE ACTORS OUT THERE. HIRE THEM.
EPISODE 2: Kimmy Goes on a Playdate
OH yes, we are back to proper form with this one. I found very little to critique, and I paused the show to laugh it out more than I have any show in recent memory (except maybe Once Upon A Time, but that’s a different kind of laugh). Jacqueline – the real Jacqueline – is back! And she has a little doggie!!! She’s back in NYC trying to get back on her feet after the divorce left her with a measly $12 million and no townhouse. As such, she has to camp out with Kimmy (and Titus, whom she ‘recognizes’ as the doorman from Barney’s) while she looks for a new home and schemes for ways to get back in (or back at) her thin blonde rich woman crowd, led by guest star Anna Camp, who does privileged bitch really well especially when she isn’t vomiting. Titus, meanwhile, is trying to get rid of some of his clothes with Lilian’s help. So much of this episode was great that this is pretty much just a list of my favorite lines.
GREAT
Both the main storylines – Titus’s and Jacqueline’s – are whatever, not exactly inspired new ground for sitcoms, but they result in some hysterical dialogue. Even better – Jacqueline having to clear out the townhouse so it can be sold means Xanthippe is back!! Her very first moments were my favorite:
Xan, seeing Kimmy in her house: What are YOU doing here?
Kimmy, trying to act cool: Being in a stupid-face contest and coming in SECOND!
Kimmy and Xan’s interactions are my favorite because Xan tries SO hard to hate Kimmy, and Kimmy does everything she can to make a girl like Xan hate her, but you can tell they like each other. And Kimmy unfailingly says the dumbest, most amazing stuff to her, like the above, to which Xan can only shake her head in disbelief.
The sale of the townhouse and Jacqueline’s new apartment search leads to another fantastic scene, this time between Kimmy and Jacqueline. During their first encounter in the apartment, Kimmy pulls this amazingness:
Kimmy: “Mrs. Voorhees…wait, you’re divorced….What do I call you now, Mrs. Voorhers??”
Only Ellie Kemper can say crap like this and make it so freaking funny. But even better is when Jacqueline is looking at apartment listings, complaining about how all the plus-million-dollar apartments are either too expensive or are utter crap, leading to my favorite line of this episode, which I’m going to share in video form because it’s too good:
GREAT
Both the main storylines – Titus’s and Jacqueline’s – are whatever, not exactly inspired new ground for sitcoms, but they result in some hysterical dialogue. Even better – Jacqueline having to clear out the townhouse so it can be sold means Xanthippe is back!! Her very first moments were my favorite:
Xan, seeing Kimmy in her house: What are YOU doing here?
Kimmy, trying to act cool: Being in a stupid-face contest and coming in SECOND!
Kimmy and Xan’s interactions are my favorite because Xan tries SO hard to hate Kimmy, and Kimmy does everything she can to make a girl like Xan hate her, but you can tell they like each other. And Kimmy unfailingly says the dumbest, most amazing stuff to her, like the above, to which Xan can only shake her head in disbelief.
The sale of the townhouse and Jacqueline’s new apartment search leads to another fantastic scene, this time between Kimmy and Jacqueline. During their first encounter in the apartment, Kimmy pulls this amazingness:
Kimmy: “Mrs. Voorhees…wait, you’re divorced….What do I call you now, Mrs. Voorhers??”
Only Ellie Kemper can say crap like this and make it so freaking funny. But even better is when Jacqueline is looking at apartment listings, complaining about how all the plus-million-dollar apartments are either too expensive or are utter crap, leading to my favorite line of this episode, which I’m going to share in video form because it’s too good:
I also loved in this scene how Kimmy says “drinks at the Ramada.” It’s so random and nothing but she says the words in a weird accent that made it so funny!
The other Kimmy line that made me laugh hysterically happened after getting the job at the Christmas store, when she was dressed as an elf walking down the street. She says to herself,“Oh no, those Santas must be coming from a funeral” – and the camera cuts to two Orthodox Jews as she says “I’m sorry for your loss.” I cackled.
I didn’t love the whole plot of Jacqueline trying to impress Anna Camp by putting on billionaire airs, but that’s just because Jacqueline is the best when she’s the worst person on that screen. Putting her in a vulnerable position hurts the character, I think, because she’s supposed to be a caricature, not someone you feel bad for. But I can’t really fault a storyline that led to Jacqueline, her son, and Kimmy getting into a random man’s Bentley in front of Anna Camp, and then CRAWLING over the stunned man in the backseat in order to escape through the other side, out of Anna’s view. That was some absolute GOLD physical comedy. More please!
As for Titus, he is thank goodness back to his good old self, shrieking after his closet bar collapses and explaining “Much like Icarus, a friend of mine who put too much stuff in his closet, I put too much stuff in my closet!” His plotline of taking some of his lesser worn clothes (his culottes that also double as teddy bear clothes, his outfit from when Mickey Mouse-ing was a thing in the gay community) to a thrift store was kind of forced, but like Jacqueline’s above, it allowed for hilarity. My favorite Titus line was when he looked around the cluttered, dirty thrift store and said:
Titus: “My clothes will be plucked from this hell-hole like so many Orphans Annie.”
Titus also had a little surprise treat at the end, when it turned out that the person who took his clothes from the garbage was a hot construction worker who came out to him years ago! They bond over how hard it is to put yourself out there, and how hard it is for the construction worker to hide his true self at work. The best best best part of this segment was when the man said he had to fake being one of the guys by putting a picture of a hot girl on the back of his truck. Cut to his slamming the door so we see the decal of freaking TILDA SWINTON in a glamour shot. So funny!
Lilian’s best line? Her same best line from Episode 1!!! When she and Titus go back to the thrift store, she says, “I’ll be in intimates.” Ridiculous thing to repeat but I love it!
The other Kimmy line that made me laugh hysterically happened after getting the job at the Christmas store, when she was dressed as an elf walking down the street. She says to herself,“Oh no, those Santas must be coming from a funeral” – and the camera cuts to two Orthodox Jews as she says “I’m sorry for your loss.” I cackled.
I didn’t love the whole plot of Jacqueline trying to impress Anna Camp by putting on billionaire airs, but that’s just because Jacqueline is the best when she’s the worst person on that screen. Putting her in a vulnerable position hurts the character, I think, because she’s supposed to be a caricature, not someone you feel bad for. But I can’t really fault a storyline that led to Jacqueline, her son, and Kimmy getting into a random man’s Bentley in front of Anna Camp, and then CRAWLING over the stunned man in the backseat in order to escape through the other side, out of Anna’s view. That was some absolute GOLD physical comedy. More please!
As for Titus, he is thank goodness back to his good old self, shrieking after his closet bar collapses and explaining “Much like Icarus, a friend of mine who put too much stuff in his closet, I put too much stuff in my closet!” His plotline of taking some of his lesser worn clothes (his culottes that also double as teddy bear clothes, his outfit from when Mickey Mouse-ing was a thing in the gay community) to a thrift store was kind of forced, but like Jacqueline’s above, it allowed for hilarity. My favorite Titus line was when he looked around the cluttered, dirty thrift store and said:
Titus: “My clothes will be plucked from this hell-hole like so many Orphans Annie.”
Titus also had a little surprise treat at the end, when it turned out that the person who took his clothes from the garbage was a hot construction worker who came out to him years ago! They bond over how hard it is to put yourself out there, and how hard it is for the construction worker to hide his true self at work. The best best best part of this segment was when the man said he had to fake being one of the guys by putting a picture of a hot girl on the back of his truck. Cut to his slamming the door so we see the decal of freaking TILDA SWINTON in a glamour shot. So funny!
Lilian’s best line? Her same best line from Episode 1!!! When she and Titus go back to the thrift store, she says, “I’ll be in intimates.” Ridiculous thing to repeat but I love it!
DUMB
The very first line of the episode was a bummer, as it was Kimmy assuming that a man was a woman, and she’s corrected, and that’s the joke. So lame and such outdated humor, like an unoriginal vegan joke. It would have been excused as a one off but then they repeated it! Argh why! Thankfully, this terrible interaction led to Kimmy’s telling the ‘inspiring’ story of a reindeer named Rudolph, with the kind of optimism and genuine belief that only she could muster.
What did you think about the first two back? I hope the rest of the season keeps up the standard set by #2!!
