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I saw Pretty Woman: The Musical So You Don’t Have To

April 25, 2019
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It’s Theatre Thursday! Today’s show is Pretty Woman: The Musical, which is playing on Broadway at the Nederlander Theatre.

You know how sometimes things are so bad and you wish a) that you could go back in time and Not Do Them and b) if you can’t go back in time at least Not Think About Them for maybe hey just a minute out of your day but instead you are constantly plagued by the harrowing memories that pop up at the most random times like when you are working or in the middle of the night you’ll just wake up and be like FORK ME THAT WAS BAD? Pretty Woman: The Musical is currently playing on Broadway. It opened what seems like an eternity ago but it is still the current season, and with Broadway’s award season officially begun, it’s time to talk about the show (because none of the nominators will heyooooo!). To quote another beloved movie the musical version of which would probably never live up to how great the movie is, gird your loins.

I understand the desire to capitalize on a known property, since having such a built-in fan base and incredible brand recognition makes it seem like a slam-dunk. But with those fans and that recognition comes, in this case, a movie that is so adored that the unavoidable comparisons between the two will always favor the first. With a movie as beloved as Pretty Woman, the odds of making a musical version that’s better – or even equally good – were (to quote another perfect beloved movie with a new, beyond disappointing musical adaptation) mmm slim to none.

Musicals like Mean Girls (I can’t believe I’m about to praise Mean Girls) took that likelihood and improved their odds by keeping a few aspects of the original that fans would expect (“She doesn’t even go here!”) but adding a ton of great new things (still laughing about “Je m’appelle Sasha Fierce”). Thanks to Tina Fey, the Mean Girls musical book is chock full of hilarious lines that are maybe even funnier than the movie’s. Though the musical isn’t great, it’s still enjoyable in its own right because of its updated book (and a smattering of good songs). There’s no way an adaptation can succeed without giving a strong reason for its existence by offering new, quality features.

There’s a line between these two needs, the need to give fans what they love about the original while offering something new and worthy that validates the musical’s existence. But? Guys? It’s not exactly a thin line. It’s pretty easy to land somewhere in the broad Venn diagram section of a finished product that includes two kinds of material: new and old. Yet despite having wide margins, the team over at Pretty Woman landed squarely outside the success zone – because they added nothing new. Well yes there are songs now – songs that sound like Bryan Adams rejects from the early ‘90s (and with Bryan Adams and his songwriting partner Jim Vallance responsible for the score, that makes sense (although you’d think a successful songwriting duo would have come up with at least one decent song here (which makes me think these literally were songs they wrote decades ago and were told weren’t good enough for radio play))). But the score does absolutely zilch to tell the story. Some of the songs had me scratching my head as to how someone thought that was appropriate for this character at this moment. 

But the real problem is the book. They are literally regurgitating the movie word for word. My sister-in-law and I love the movie, and like any god-fearing American citizen we know most of it by heart. But if you also know the movie well enough to recognize all the lines, then you already know every line in the stage version. It’s literally a word-for-word retread of the script, and that’s its biggest flaw. How can you prove you deserve to exist, little musical, if you copy the movie and don’t offer anything in return? Even all of Vivian’s COSTUMES are the same – the iconic white suit and black hat (complete with the ‘big mistake, big, huge’ moment said verbatim), the iconic red gown worn to the opera (complete with Edward closing the jewelry box on Vivian’s hands all done verbatim). (One of the things I keep thinking about is why, amid all these copied costumes, they changed the color of her polka dot polo-match dress from brown to blue. WHY! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN! I can’t stop thinking about it. That’s the only thing they changed from the whole movie.)

With every line copied, you’re forced to remember how the original cast said their lines, so when you hear this cast trying to make things their own, it just sounds wrong. And that’s the entire show. The cast – this cast of amazing talent, including Samantha Barks, Orfeh, Eric Anderson, and ffs ANDY KARL – is given nothing new to make their own, just an old script full of lines that the audience is expecting to be said a certain way but they, being living breathing actors and not automatons, want to make their own, so the result is just cringey discomfort. Everything feels wrong. I wish someone had written a different script. Oh I forgot, the only difference is that when Stuckey tries to rape Vivian she beats him up. Which is great, but it doesn’t do anything for the story this way so why not just write a different scene? Why didn’t anyone write anything new?!

Literally the only great thing about the show was that Orfeh says ‘cockroaches’ like a real New Yorker. I think she and Natasha Lyonne are the only two broads in the biz who accurately and amazingly say ‘cocka-roaches’. So that made me happy. Hundos of dollars and 3 hours of my life and a wasted slot where I could have seen something else happy? Mmm (to quote another movie that should not get a musical version) how about no, Scott.

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“Honeymoon In Vegas” on Broadway is More Fun Than it Should Be

February 12, 2015
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  Obviously, they made a Broadway musical of the movie “Honeymoon In Vegas”, because the story of a nice but weak-willed man who loses a shittonne of money to a Vegas casino mogul who in turn requests a weekend with nice man’s fiancée who is a dead ringer for casino man’s dead wife instead of holding him to his losses just screeeeams Broadway musical. No, I’m actually not being sarcastic. This musical freaking works. 
    If you haven’t seen the movie “Honeymoon In Vegas”, with those celebrated dramatists Sarah Jessica Parker and Nicholas Cage, you really need to watch it right now. It’s one of those awful but amazing movies that is completely offensive when you think about it but if you choose not to think about it then it’s just super fun. Nicholas Cage plays a man who is haunted by his deceased overbearing mother who told him never to get married. His unlucky blonde girlfriend Betsy (Sarah Jessica Parker) obviously wants to get married because that is all women aspire to do in life, and also they are always blonde if they are worth all this fuss/treating as currency. 
In the movie, James Caan plays the rich casino guy Tommy Korman, who conspires to trick Nicholas Cage out of lots of money in a fixed poker game, knowing he can’t pay, and says that he’ll forego the debt if he gets to borrow Betsy for a weekend. I mean, it’s pretty much the least feminist movie you can think of and yet I’m okay with it. Mostly because there are flying Elvises and because Nicholas Cage yells “Betsy!!!!!!” so well at the end.

Okay, so it’s on Broadway now with a score by my love Jason Robert Brown, in a serious detour from his past/serious/artistic stuff. You can tell he had fun with this one, relishing the opportunity to write hysterical, silly songs in a range of styles suitable for Vegas, from Sinatra-like crooning to Elvis-style rock to an actual number about straight flushes. The show stars the already great Rob McClure as Nicholas Cage, well as Jack Singer, and he is the biggest reason to see this show. I said already great because Rob has only recently become a recognizable name in the Broadway community, after his fabulous Tony-nominated performance in “Chaplin”. (He’s also widely considered the best guy to work with on shows, as no one beats his work ethic.) The producers are hoping that you want to see the show because Tommy Korman is played by Tony Danza, yes that Tony Danza, and no when I met him after and got a freaking picture with him and his arm was on my back I FORGOT TO SAY “Hold me closer Tony Danza” and I will never ever forgive myself for missing that opportunity of a lifetime.

Anyway, Rob as Jack is completely winning, and despite the character’s serious commitment phobia and other flaws, he successfully wins you over with the very first song. He’s in New York, and he sings about all the things in life he enjoys and likes, but how the thing he loves is Betsy. “I like taxis, I like trains, I like Brooklyn when it rains, but I love Betsy. I like walking after dark, I like jogs in Prospect Park, but I love Betsy.” It’s catchy as f@&$, unfortunately, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head for 3 weeks now. He’s so adorable in this song, and so necessarily charming, that he gains needed leeway in terms of your forgiveness for his actions to come. Comparing his girlfriend to all these activities and objects that he merely likes is also a great way to set the tone of the misogynist show to come, in a chipper way.

The high energy continues as Jack takes Betsy to Tiffany’s to finally propose, and in a fantastic little bit of theatre magic, one of the display cases turns in an instant to a hospital bed holding his dying mother, the ridiculously hilarious Nancy Opel, in a flashback to her death 10 years prior. She tells her son never to get married because no woman would ever love him like she does. It’s pretty absurd and amazing all at once, and it all just works.

Actually, side note, the most absurd and amazing part of the show was when the people sitting behind me – who I recognized from the rush line that morning, so they know at least a little about living – were talking and one girl said “What’s this about?” and the other said “Oh you never saw the movie? It’s like this really interesting drama that Woody Allen wrote and directed and you can tell it’s just sooo Woody Allen, you know?” I died. The movie is written by the guy who wrote “Fletch”, FFS. Not Woody Allen. My brother had tears. And he said loudly later “Yeah I love that they kept so many of Woody’s lines” and other things to mock these idiots. It was HILARIOUS. Also in line for the bathroom, these old ladies were talking about how “the girl in the Demi Moore part” was adorable and how “no one can beat Robert Redford, though.” Which is at least a tiny bit more forgivable because “Indecent Proposal” is just the slightly less funny version of the same exact movie, but still. How do people not know “Honeymoon In Vegas”?! It’s a Cage classic!

The pacing of this first act is so tight and really well done. Tony Danza as Tommy Korman is fantastic. He can’t really sing, and he is given WAY too many ballads that prove this, but he is pure charisma and he oozes that mobster-ish sleazy charm. He also gets a tap number that is actually really impressive.

My favorite Tony/Tommy song is pretty awful, in subject matter and black humor, but it’s so funny. When he first sees Betsy in his casino, he is shocked at her resemblance to his late wife. How did his wife die, you ask? Well, he sings about it. We move to a beach scene, and his wife is laying by the pool in the sun. Day after day after day. Tommy sings about how he should have made her get out of the sun. She died of skin cancer. It’s awful. But it’s so funny! Some people are saying how this song is really offensive and unfunny, but everyone in my packed audience thought it was hilarious. Also, it’s a good message?

Anyway, everything gets more ridiculous as Jack decides to go to a poker game Tommy invited him to, instead of rushing to marry Betsy as they came to Vegas to do. He says he’ll just be an hour, but obviously he stays much longer and she gets upset while shopping for her dress and all her shoes and stuff because she is a woman and just shops and shakes her head disapprovingly while she waits to get married. Brynn O’Malley is great in the role, really lovely and a strong singer, but she must have to do some serious readjusting of the brain pan after every show. I hope that she has a sign over the mirror in her dressing room that says “You are a worthwhile person and not just as currency!” or something like that.

So as the poker game goes on and on, this one song obviously called “The Game” goes on and on, and showgirls hold up enormous playing cards to show the men’s hands. It’s all just so ridiculous and yet so enjoyable. That’s the basic summary of this show. Anyway, they get to the part of the song when they sing “Straight flush!” and “Jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, king of diamonds…” etc. as the notes get higher and higher. I really love that JRB wrote that. So Jack bets more money than he has and OMG I just realized why her name is Betsy, because she ends up standing in for his bets or something I wonder if the writers did that on purpose or if that’s just a really wonderful coincidence??? Yes so Jack loses $58,000 even thought he had a straight flush to the king, because Tommy had a straight flush to the ace. Yeah that is totally realistic and would ever possibly happen in a million years. No, we learn later Tommy obviously cheated.

Without the money to pay his losses, Jack is pretty forlorn and torn apart. Luckily! Tommy says heyyyy, how about we come to an agreement – this is the song called “An Agreement” – where I get to borrow your fiancée for the weekend? And Jack says absolutely not, that is disgusting and wrong! But Tommy has all that Terry Benedict charm and convinces Jack that it’s the only way to not lose Betsy, because if she found out how much money he lost, she would leave him anyway. So it’s worth a try!! No, it’s really not.

When Jack tells her what has happened, Betsy is obviously shocked and mortified and she refuses to be treated as currency, but then she gets reminded that she is a woman and that she only matters so far as the men say she does, so she agrees. I don’t know, it makes sense during the show but then when you think about it you are like whaaaaaaaaaaaaat. So she goes to Hawaii with Tommy, who like owns an island, and Jack is like what? You can’t take my fiancée to Hawaii! And Tommy’s people are like, well you only had parameters on the timeframe, not the location. Boom! Lawyered!

Jack realizes he was a total idiot and he flies to Hawaii to save Betsy from her lovely weekend with Tommy, who is nice but so sleazy. He even hired people to pretend to be his relatives so he would look good. And of course he lies about how much money Jack actually lost; when Betsy mentions the $58,000, Tommy says “Is that what he told you? He only lost $800!” or something horrendous that you’d assume Betsey wouldn’t believe, or that she’d at least be suspicious, but she is like drunk and really likes the pineapple in Hawaii so she believes him. Meanwhile, Jack tries to find Tommy’s house but Tommy pretty much owns everyone and everything on the island and he planned ahead to make sure everyone does their darnedest to keep Jack distracted if he followed them. The weakest part of the show is when the local Hawaiian, Mahi, yes that is her name, tries to seduce Jack in the jungle in a song called “Friki Friki.” I don’t know if I have ever cringed so hard during a song in a show. I wish they cut that. The rest of the audience seemed to like it though, somehow.

While Jack is being led all over tarnation by Tommy’s people, Tony Danza is inexplicably getting more and more ballads to sing and Betsy is getting drunker and madder at her spineless fiancé, so she agrees to marry Tommy. Okay monster man. They immediately fly back to Vegas. Jack finds out, and – in the most important scene of the movie and therefore of the play – hitches a ride back to Vegas with a troop of Flying Elvises, with his only option for landing being to skydive with them. It’s the best! I wish the show’s budget had had room for a more impressive skydive display, but then again it is happening on a stage, so it’s okay. The Elvises are a lot of fun, and Rob does his best Cage impression when he yells ‘BETSY!!!!’ and even though these Elvises are skydiving and landing who knows where in relation to the Las Vegas Strip, Betsy obviously hears him and runs up to him because we like things to be realistic. They reconcile and apologize and yada yada yada they get hitched and it’s all really happy and fun and that’s the show, folks. You really should see it.

 

The Picture of Dorian Gray: Good Concept for Modernization, Shaky Execution

March 16, 2021
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The first five or ten minutes of the new streaming theatrical production “The Picture of Dorian Gray” are great. Captivating, stylized, and intriguing, the beginning switches between Zoom-style interviews of Joanna Lumley’s and Alfred Enoch’s characters as they share what they know about this story to Stephen Fry, investigating. It makes you curious and you want them to say more about whatever this tragic situation was and you’re excited to piece it all together. It’s an excellent start.

And then you meet Dorian (Fionn Whitehead), and it falls flat. The direction (and overall treatment) of him plus overly long scenes, sloooow conversations between him and other characters, and disappointing lack of clarity about the whole selling your soul thing all squander the splashy positivity of the opening and turn a colorful opportunity into an unfortunately drab and sluggish production.

The intent for the modernization of this classic story is decent: Instead of young hot man-about-town-Dorian being young and hot, getting a nice portrait painted of himself, and wishing for the nice portrait to age instead of his physical being, this Dorian gets a social media filter that makes his online appearance always young and beautiful. His friend Basil (Russell Tovey) makes him a special device for his phone that makes him look glowy and stuff online. So far, okay, sounds good.

My main problem (okay one of my three main problems) is that it’s entirely unclear what Basil knows about the cost, what Dorian expects it to be, and, for the love of god, WHY. (And any argument that uses answers from the original text are invalid.) Basil gives it to Dorian on his birthday, and asks Dorian what he would do for this magical* device. He says there’s a cost but never says what it is, and actual physical deterioration is really something you should make clear to the buyer. Dorian says something like “I would sell my soul” but is he aware that that apparently means “I’ll be chill with looking like a decaying corpse in about a week”? It’s unclear whether Basil is aware of this too.

*First main problem subsection b: This device of magical filters…exists. It’s called filters. We can already download and use filters and apps that make you look amazing and shiny without our physical body decaying and bleeding out the ears. Yes, his YouTube channel becomes successful too, but a) it’s unclear whether that was part of the deal or Basil was just assuming that with glowing selfies his friend would become popular online, and b) honestly with the Q Anon-style videos he starts posting (out of literally nowhere, another issue), he’d amass a large following without the device. There’s too much that I don’t buy or don’t understand about this deal that even a few sharper bits of dialogue would fix.

My second main problem: the pacing is horrendous. The Facetimes between Dorian and Sibyl, between Dorian and Harry (especially the epilogue), the birthday scene between Dorian and Basil, they all gooo ooooon fooooreverrrrr without much reason for it. If the show was a good 20 minutes shorter from cutting all the unnecessary pauses and silent stares, it would work better. There are so many editing decisions that went unmade. Like the ‘Social Media Safety’ web series character that Basil invents to try to assuage his guilt: why are we seeing this at all, let alone ENTIRE INTERNET SAFETY LECTURES instead of a few brief clips? (Okay maybe 25 minutes, actually.) And the introduction of Sibyl (Emma McDonald) showing like a dozen of her Instagram videos – we’d get what you were trying to say with like, 3. (So that’s 30 minutes.)

The third issue: Fionn looks like a normal fine-looking person that you can believe exists in real life, not some kind of one-in-a-million movie-star gorgeous where you would drop your jaw and ruin your life if you had the chance. He’s a normal kid. We’re told that this Dorian is so incredibly handsome and so ungodly charming that everyone falls in love with him and yet Dorian gets exactly zero chances to show any of that supposed charm. I mean, literally every. other. character says that they are madly wildly hopelessly in love with him, in some cases so much that they destroy their families. but like, WHY. and like, DON’T. Dorian was never given a chance to display any sort of charm to explain…any of it. When the foundation of the whole show rests on him being super hot and charming and he’s neither, that’s hard to come back from.

Apart from these crucial aspects, there were some nice bits. Alfred and Joanna’s scenes were mostly always entertaining, possibly why they are the most famous ones. I loved how much I hated Alfred’s mustache and how fake his accent sounded even though he’s British. And Joanna is always fun to watch, especially in her travel shows. I really liked the Great Gatsby-esque design for the screen cuts too, and Alfred’s study was amazing (except the carpet didn’t go).

I’m just disappointed that the updated concept failed to capitalize on its promise. It’s a good idea to show how much young people value their online appearance, but – even in a year where you’re not seeing anyone in real life – would you still pay for a better online look with bleeding out the ears? Also, if the message was that ugly thoughts show up on the face (as the end seemed to want to say), why did his face start uglying before the whole conspiracy business, and why did he *start* having these ugly thoughts? So much of the action felt unsupported. Also, I’m heavily confused about the end: Text on the screen explains that authorities found him next to the smashed chip and “recognized what it was”. Wha…what?

One more thing: what the heck is Sphinx?

The Picture of Dorian Gray is available to stream from March 16 – 31, and is co-produced by the Barn Theatre, Lawrence Batley Theatre, New Wolsey Theatre, Oxford Playhouse and Theatr Clwyd.

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