Bukhara, Uzbekistan: Ancient City Hasn't Upgraded in Millenniaby Randi / December 6, 2017
It’s Theatre Thursday y’all! Today we are talking about “Mother Courage and Her Children”, currently at London’s Southwark Playhouse until Saturday (eek go now).
It’s pretty rough out there, with war-mongering racists and Nazis and sexists running things (into the ground). So there’s no better help for dealing with all of these real-life horrors than sitting through a three-hour play about how terrible war is for everyone. No I’m not being sarcastic. Southwark Playhouse’s production of “Mother Courage and Her Children”, the anti-war epic play from Bertolt Brecht, is a small, simple, yet powerful one about how even those who think they might profit or benefit somehow from war will suffer. There are two things you can count on, really: War is terrible for everyone, and the Southwark Playhouse will always put on quality productions. Even though my attention span usually maxes out after about 15 minutes (usually when I have to pee), I thought this was a stellar show. Sure I was a ball of sorrow for the rest of that day but who isn’t nowadays!
Written in 1939 amid Nazi takeovers, “Mother Courage” stood as a testament against fascism, a prime example of art as resistance. Brecht, a startlingly prolific playwright if ever there was one (you think I write a lot), actually wrote nine (9) (NEIN) plays against fascism and Nazism, but “Mother Courage” stands out from the lot and is considered by many to be the greatest anti-war play of all time. OF ALL TIME! That’s pretty impressive for something the guy wrote in just about a month! Lightning speed, but I guess when you have something crucial to say it comes pouring out. Now I don’t know if I can say whether it’s the best of all time but is powerful and haunting and funny at times and most of all a strong reminder that war is not in fact a science (#pippin) but is bad for everyone, on every side. So let’s all continue to cross our fingers that we don’t get involved in another one eh?
True to form, Brecht didn’t set the play during Nazi rule but during the Thirty Years War in the 1600s, involving all the Eurozone. He tells the story of Mother Courage, the name everyone in Sweden knows a middle-aged woman named Anna by, who sells goods out of a rickety wagon with the help of her three children, all from different fathers. We have the honest but dumb (“they said you were pretty but dumb….no I’m sorry that’s ‘pretty dumb’”) Swiss Cheese, in a name that I’m SURE could have been translated better from the German but okay, it doesn’t completely take you out of the serious moments to hear people wailing about a guy named Swiss Cheese or anything; the arrogant and aggressive Eilif, who you know what I’m actually gonna describe as braggodocious; and the mute Kattrin, who obviously has trouble communicating but who often (and crucially) manages to find a way. Mother Courage isn’t a particularly good person. She likes when there’s a war going on, because she can make a decent business selling supplies and food and whatever else to soldiers. Her mind for business seems to take precedence over anything else, including her morality and her common sense.
This production boasts a translation from the original German (real name: Mutter Courage und ihre Kinder LOVES IT) by Tony Kushner, the writer of “Angels in America” Mother Courage is portrayed by Josie Lawrence, who I only knew from the British version of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway” back in the day. She is a genius improviser, and it turns out a pretty genius actress too. (Who knew? Oh everyone in Britain. Her bio in the programme is the longest one I’ve ever seen.) Josie deftly makes Courage a bit likable at times while also being hard to root for since she loves war and everything, and puts making money ahead of everything else, even her children.
When we meet Courage and the kiddies, they’re pulling the knickknack wagon into a camp where a few officers are trying to recruit more soldiers into the Swedish army. Interested in the children, the officers try to persuade them to sign up. Courage is like, hell no, get away from my kids, and hey I’m going to tell your fortune. She puts pieces of paper in a hat, some with black crosses on them, which foretell the officers’ deaths. The officer chooses a slip with the black cross, oh no he gon die. Well yeah it’s war. The kiddies want to play too because kids love games (they are young adults btw not toddlers like I’m making them sound) and Courage is like oh sure okay I know you’re all going to get blank ones because we are the rare few blessed during wartimes. Of course, all three children pull pieces of paper with black crosses, so we know from the start that they’re gon die too. You would think that Courage would get her kids as far away from the warzone as possible to try to save them from their fate, but she loves war and selling her goods so they stay in the thick of it. In fact, Eilif, the terrible, signs up to army (mother) right then and there, not really caring that he’s probably (definitely) going to die in it; he just really wants to start slaughtering people (true). Courage wails a little but then moves on with Swiss Cheese (can I call him something else) and Kattrin, pulling the wagon and selling their wares to the next camp of soldiers.
Between scenes, we’re to understand that years are passing. The next time we see the conceited Eilif, played by a kind of terrifyingly effective Jake Phillips Head (Screwdriver), he’s the toast of the battalion and the general’s new favorite because he killed a bunch of peasants and stole their cattle. Like…that’s not a good thing guys. War is despicable. Courage runs into him (Sweden so small?) and yells at him not for slaughtering civilians but for putting himself in danger. Good job teaching him how to not be evil. This is a good time to tell you that the play features several very strange songs to augment the action, songs actually featured in the original, which I couldn’t believe. They really do (sometimes) complement the rest of the drama, but they veered into kind of silly very often. And because of the, shall we say, interesting acoustics and sound setup caused by the rickety tarped-in room, they all had to kind of shout, so everyone’s singing voice became a shouty voice and it sounded super gravelly and all I could think was ‘alright I’m shouting. I’m shouting I’m shouting I’m shouting!” Still, the songs did work, mostly.
The next scene, a few years later, we meet Yvette, the camp prostitute (is everyone named Yvette in dramatic works a prostitute?) who is a welcome bit of fun into all this darkness. Played by a hilarious and fully committed Laura Checkley, she’s all floozy and bestockinged and Courage tells Kattrin ‘don’t fraternize with soldiers and end up like her!’ and Yvette sings a song about fraternizing (literally it’s called The Fraternization Song). Kattrin tries on her high heels in secret and prances about with scarves and stuff pretending to be a pros (‘my daughter was a pros”). When Courage sees her, she flips out and Kattrin breaks down, being somewhat developmentally delayed, and Courage tries to comfort her in a manner we see repeated throughout the show. Maybe if you didn’t upset her in the first place, Courage, but anyway, the relationship between the two is really quite well done and I loved how Josie would stroke Phoebe’s face in the same manner every time. The actress, Phoebe Vigor, was remarkably good considering she had no lines. I thought she was consistently effective. I might be biased because she looked like my friend from high school.
Meanwhile, Swiss Cheese…you know what, I’m gonna call him Gary, in honor of the UK vegans calling vegan cheese Gary. Gary is played by a strong Julian Moore-Cook. So Gary by now has gotten a job in the army not as a soldier but as a paymaster, something Courage could approve since he watches over all the money. And since he’s such an honest fool, he’ll never be guilty of stealing or cooking the books. Of course, his good intentions backfire, and when he is in possession of the cash box for the regiment, the Catholics invade. He hides the cash box so it doesn’t get stolen, but the Catholics capture him and torture him to give it up, which he won’t do. He’s a pretty good guy. Unfortunately, his mother isn’t the best, and when she has a chance to sell her wagon to pay off the captors to free her son, she doesn’t. This intense scene took the air out of the room a bit. Instead of selling the wagon, Courage has the idea to pawn it and then buy it back by using the money in the cashbox, which she assumes Gary will help her find. So she plans to offer the captors the full amount she got in the pawn, but then she learns that Gary threw the box in the river, thus denying her the opportunity to get the money back immediately. Even though her son’s life is on the line, she backtracks on the price and offers less than the full amount she has, leaving something for her to use to get her business back up. When she gets word that the captors rejected her offer, she finally jfc decides to offer all the money she has, but it’s too late. One down two to go. This was the worst part, because Gary was the nice one and this was the clearest instance of Courage’s backward priorities causing tragedy. Josie was scarily believable in this scene, hesitating before making her offers so you could sense her really weighing her choices, thinking for a second about what she wanted to save more, her son or her business, and making us wonder whether any common sense or clarity was getting through to her at all.
Oh so meanwhile, a chaplain from Eilif’s camp (David Shelley) has been traveling with Courage and the kids for a while and he continues with them for many years after, for reasons unknown. I mean he probably loves her but, like, why. Shelley is great in this role, and he comes off the best in the songs, I think. Those weird ass songs. They work but they’re so strange, a mix of folk songs and super emo ragers and Irish drinking songs. Anyway the chaplain proposes to Courage at one point but she turns him down because she likes really shitty men more, like this army cook she runs into every now and then who somehow makes a good impression on her even though he’s the embodiment of white male commenters on youtube.
A few years later, they get word that the war has ended. No one knew for a few days because news didn’t travel as quickly as it does now. Courage is pissed because she still has all this stock to sell and her business is more important that the lives that will be saved now. Unfortunately for Eilif, his is the rare life that peace will be the downfall of, because he did another peasant-killing spree for no good reason, and now that it was peacetime, this same exact action that made him the general’s favorite during wartime is now grounds for execution. Courage is out trying to sell her goods to townspeople before they find out it’s peacetime, so she didn’t know about her next son’s death. It’s unclear whether she ever finds out, actually. But there’s another twist: News travels so slow back in these times that not only did they not hear about peace for a few days, they didn’t immediately hear that the peace lasted like an hour and it actually IS war time still! Isn’t Courage so happy! She loves war! Kind of a shame that if they waited like thirty more minutes the army would have given Eilif a medal for his actions instead of killing him, but he was a shit person anyway soooo not too sad.
But as the years pass, supplies and food dwindle to nothingness, and Courage is left alone with Kattrin and the shitty cook, who had driven off the chaplain with his mean and immature youtubery. As they all traverse the countryside starving and broke, the cook finds out that he inherited an inn in Utrecht and asks Courage to go there with him and start a new life with actual shelter – but without Kattrin. She ugly. Or something, that’s the kind of thing he would say. Courage for some unknown reason really is into the cook, so it’s kind of surprising when she shows a heart and quotes Lifetime movies: “not without my daughter!” So then he leaves (every scene someone else departs and leaves Courage to pick up more of the slack), and Courage and Kattrin have to pull the pretty empty wagon alone.
Later, they’re staying with a peasant family one night and Courage goes into the town to do some trading. But the Catholics invade and force the peasants to show them into the city where they’re going to kill everyone. The peasants capitulate because they don’t want the soldiers to hurt them but like aren’t they going to kill everyone anyway?? Kattrin, showing unbelievable strength and maybe the only one with a moral compass, climbs on the roof and beats a drum in order to wake the townspeople and warn them of what’s coming. The soldiers shoot her but not before she succeeds in her pretty valiant mission. I thought Phoebe was so good in this scene, maybe because I was just so thirsty for one character in this show to show some selflessness and morality and when it finally happened I was quick to give all the credit to the actress, but still, she was so determined and emotional. Just great work, which was followed by more great work from Josie who mourned her last child, gave her to the peasants to bury, and then struggled to pull her wagon all alone. Did she learn at this point that war is terrible? It’s unclear, whether she gathers her strength to go back to business because it’s what she has to do and it’s all she knows, or because it’s all she can do with her life now. But it’s clear to the audience that no one wins in war and nothing good ever comes from it. Except good art, I guess.
INFORMATION
Mother Courage is playing at the Southwark Playhouse until Saturday, December 9. Tickets are stupid cheap for shows here considering how high the quality usually is. The house is rearranged so that it’s two sets of bleachers facing each other and the cast runs through the aisles a lot. Very small and intimate.
STAGEDOOR
Southwark doesn’t really have a stagedoor because the cast comes through the lobby and bar area and everyone just mingles. Fun!
True to form, Brecht didn’t set the play during Nazi rule but during the Thirty Years War in the 1600s, involving all the Eurozone. He tells the story of Mother Courage, the name everyone in Sweden knows a middle-aged woman named Anna by, who sells goods out of a rickety wagon with the help of her three children, all from different fathers. We have the honest but dumb (“they said you were pretty but dumb….no I’m sorry that’s ‘pretty dumb’”) Swiss Cheese, in a name that I’m SURE could have been translated better from the German but okay, it doesn’t completely take you out of the serious moments to hear people wailing about a guy named Swiss Cheese or anything; the arrogant and aggressive Eilif, who you know what I’m actually gonna describe as braggodocious; and the mute Kattrin, who obviously has trouble communicating but who often (and crucially) manages to find a way. Mother Courage isn’t a particularly good person. She likes when there’s a war going on, because she can make a decent business selling supplies and food and whatever else to soldiers. Her mind for business seems to take precedence over anything else, including her morality and her common sense.
This production boasts a translation from the original German (real name: Mutter Courage und ihre Kinder LOVES IT) by Tony Kushner, the writer of “Angels in America” Mother Courage is portrayed by Josie Lawrence, who I only knew from the British version of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway” back in the day. She is a genius improviser, and it turns out a pretty genius actress too. (Who knew? Oh everyone in Britain. Her bio in the programme is the longest one I’ve ever seen.) Josie deftly makes Courage a bit likable at times while also being hard to root for since she loves war and everything, and puts making money ahead of everything else, even her children.
When we meet Courage and the kiddies, they’re pulling the knickknack wagon into a camp where a few officers are trying to recruit more soldiers into the Swedish army. Interested in the children, the officers try to persuade them to sign up. Courage is like, hell no, get away from my kids, and hey I’m going to tell your fortune. She puts pieces of paper in a hat, some with black crosses on them, which foretell the officers’ deaths. The officer chooses a slip with the black cross, oh no he gon die. Well yeah it’s war. The kiddies want to play too because kids love games (they are young adults btw not toddlers like I’m making them sound) and Courage is like oh sure okay I know you’re all going to get blank ones because we are the rare few blessed during wartimes. Of course, all three children pull pieces of paper with black crosses, so we know from the start that they’re gon die too. You would think that Courage would get her kids as far away from the warzone as possible to try to save them from their fate, but she loves war and selling her goods so they stay in the thick of it. In fact, Eilif, the terrible, signs up to army (mother) right then and there, not really caring that he’s probably (definitely) going to die in it; he just really wants to start slaughtering people (true). Courage wails a little but then moves on with Swiss Cheese (can I call him something else) and Kattrin, pulling the wagon and selling their wares to the next camp of soldiers.
Between scenes, we’re to understand that years are passing. The next time we see the conceited Eilif, played by a kind of terrifyingly effective Jake Phillips Head (Screwdriver), he’s the toast of the battalion and the general’s new favorite because he killed a bunch of peasants and stole their cattle. Like…that’s not a good thing guys. War is despicable. Courage runs into him (Sweden so small?) and yells at him not for slaughtering civilians but for putting himself in danger. Good job teaching him how to not be evil. This is a good time to tell you that the play features several very strange songs to augment the action, songs actually featured in the original, which I couldn’t believe. They really do (sometimes) complement the rest of the drama, but they veered into kind of silly very often. And because of the, shall we say, interesting acoustics and sound setup caused by the rickety tarped-in room, they all had to kind of shout, so everyone’s singing voice became a shouty voice and it sounded super gravelly and all I could think was ‘alright I’m shouting. I’m shouting I’m shouting I’m shouting!” Still, the songs did work, mostly.
The next scene, a few years later, we meet Yvette, the camp prostitute (is everyone named Yvette in dramatic works a prostitute?) who is a welcome bit of fun into all this darkness. Played by a hilarious and fully committed Laura Checkley, she’s all floozy and bestockinged and Courage tells Kattrin ‘don’t fraternize with soldiers and end up like her!’ and Yvette sings a song about fraternizing (literally it’s called The Fraternization Song). Kattrin tries on her high heels in secret and prances about with scarves and stuff pretending to be a pros (‘my daughter was a pros”). When Courage sees her, she flips out and Kattrin breaks down, being somewhat developmentally delayed, and Courage tries to comfort her in a manner we see repeated throughout the show. Maybe if you didn’t upset her in the first place, Courage, but anyway, the relationship between the two is really quite well done and I loved how Josie would stroke Phoebe’s face in the same manner every time. The actress, Phoebe Vigor, was remarkably good considering she had no lines. I thought she was consistently effective. I might be biased because she looked like my friend from high school.
Meanwhile, Swiss Cheese…you know what, I’m gonna call him Gary, in honor of the UK vegans calling vegan cheese Gary. Gary is played by a strong Julian Moore-Cook. So Gary by now has gotten a job in the army not as a soldier but as a paymaster, something Courage could approve since he watches over all the money. And since he’s such an honest fool, he’ll never be guilty of stealing or cooking the books. Of course, his good intentions backfire, and when he is in possession of the cash box for the regiment, the Catholics invade. He hides the cash box so it doesn’t get stolen, but the Catholics capture him and torture him to give it up, which he won’t do. He’s a pretty good guy. Unfortunately, his mother isn’t the best, and when she has a chance to sell her wagon to pay off the captors to free her son, she doesn’t. This intense scene took the air out of the room a bit. Instead of selling the wagon, Courage has the idea to pawn it and then buy it back by using the money in the cashbox, which she assumes Gary will help her find. So she plans to offer the captors the full amount she got in the pawn, but then she learns that Gary threw the box in the river, thus denying her the opportunity to get the money back immediately. Even though her son’s life is on the line, she backtracks on the price and offers less than the full amount she has, leaving something for her to use to get her business back up. When she gets word that the captors rejected her offer, she finally jfc decides to offer all the money she has, but it’s too late. One down two to go. This was the worst part, because Gary was the nice one and this was the clearest instance of Courage’s backward priorities causing tragedy. Josie was scarily believable in this scene, hesitating before making her offers so you could sense her really weighing her choices, thinking for a second about what she wanted to save more, her son or her business, and making us wonder whether any common sense or clarity was getting through to her at all.
Oh so meanwhile, a chaplain from Eilif’s camp (David Shelley) has been traveling with Courage and the kids for a while and he continues with them for many years after, for reasons unknown. I mean he probably loves her but, like, why. Shelley is great in this role, and he comes off the best in the songs, I think. Those weird ass songs. They work but they’re so strange, a mix of folk songs and super emo ragers and Irish drinking songs. Anyway the chaplain proposes to Courage at one point but she turns him down because she likes really shitty men more, like this army cook she runs into every now and then who somehow makes a good impression on her even though he’s the embodiment of white male commenters on youtube.
A few years later, they get word that the war has ended. No one knew for a few days because news didn’t travel as quickly as it does now. Courage is pissed because she still has all this stock to sell and her business is more important that the lives that will be saved now. Unfortunately for Eilif, his is the rare life that peace will be the downfall of, because he did another peasant-killing spree for no good reason, and now that it was peacetime, this same exact action that made him the general’s favorite during wartime is now grounds for execution. Courage is out trying to sell her goods to townspeople before they find out it’s peacetime, so she didn’t know about her next son’s death. It’s unclear whether she ever finds out, actually. But there’s another twist: News travels so slow back in these times that not only did they not hear about peace for a few days, they didn’t immediately hear that the peace lasted like an hour and it actually IS war time still! Isn’t Courage so happy! She loves war! Kind of a shame that if they waited like thirty more minutes the army would have given Eilif a medal for his actions instead of killing him, but he was a shit person anyway soooo not too sad.
But as the years pass, supplies and food dwindle to nothingness, and Courage is left alone with Kattrin and the shitty cook, who had driven off the chaplain with his mean and immature youtubery. As they all traverse the countryside starving and broke, the cook finds out that he inherited an inn in Utrecht and asks Courage to go there with him and start a new life with actual shelter – but without Kattrin. She ugly. Or something, that’s the kind of thing he would say. Courage for some unknown reason really is into the cook, so it’s kind of surprising when she shows a heart and quotes Lifetime movies: “not without my daughter!” So then he leaves (every scene someone else departs and leaves Courage to pick up more of the slack), and Courage and Kattrin have to pull the pretty empty wagon alone.
Later, they’re staying with a peasant family one night and Courage goes into the town to do some trading. But the Catholics invade and force the peasants to show them into the city where they’re going to kill everyone. The peasants capitulate because they don’t want the soldiers to hurt them but like aren’t they going to kill everyone anyway?? Kattrin, showing unbelievable strength and maybe the only one with a moral compass, climbs on the roof and beats a drum in order to wake the townspeople and warn them of what’s coming. The soldiers shoot her but not before she succeeds in her pretty valiant mission. I thought Phoebe was so good in this scene, maybe because I was just so thirsty for one character in this show to show some selflessness and morality and when it finally happened I was quick to give all the credit to the actress, but still, she was so determined and emotional. Just great work, which was followed by more great work from Josie who mourned her last child, gave her to the peasants to bury, and then struggled to pull her wagon all alone. Did she learn at this point that war is terrible? It’s unclear, whether she gathers her strength to go back to business because it’s what she has to do and it’s all she knows, or because it’s all she can do with her life now. But it’s clear to the audience that no one wins in war and nothing good ever comes from it. Except good art, I guess.
INFORMATION
Mother Courage is playing at the Southwark Playhouse until Saturday, December 9. Tickets are stupid cheap for shows here considering how high the quality usually is. The house is rearranged so that it’s two sets of bleachers facing each other and the cast runs through the aisles a lot. Very small and intimate.
STAGEDOOR
Southwark doesn’t really have a stagedoor because the cast comes through the lobby and bar area and everyone just mingles. Fun!
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We Return to Live Theatre! ‘Adventures with the Painted People’ at Pitlochry Festival Theatre
PEOPLE! Can you believe it? For the first time since March 14, 2020, when we saw Uncle Vanya in the West End and the guy behind me coughed a bunch and we realized ‘oh this is bad’ (the spectre of disease, not the play; the play was incredible) (and then I had covid – was it from him? we’ll never know (just kidding I know it was you asshole)), we were back at a LIVE FORKING SHOW in person in a theatre! Well not ‘in’ – our first show back wisely took place in an outdoor amphitheatre; we’re not crazy! Gimme that wind if I’m around other people! But wow, can you imagine how excited I am? I LOVE THE THEE UH TUHHH.
I wonder if the excitement of being back would have made me enjoy even a bad play, but we will never know because Official Return Show was quite an impressive little treat. ‘Adventures with the Painted People’, by David Greig, is a four-hander (you remember how I changed the terms to make them accurate?) that tells of a Roman officer named Lucius who gets kidnapped by Picts. It’s 2000 years ago and Romans have taken over, killed all the good Pictish men, ruined everything as invaders do for native peoples. When a group of Pictish boys find the stray Roman by the water, they knock him out and bring him to their tribe’s witch, Eithne, to be a sacrifice, naturally.
For someone being tied up in a witch’s ‘house of the dead’ which is really a cave of the dead which is much worse, Lucius never seems too angry or upset. Nicholas Karimi’s portrayal is really likeable, and you’re like aw I hope he doesn’t get sacrificed. He writes insubstantial poetry, but you can tell he feels more dreamy than the rigidity of a Roman officer’s life would normally allow. And that makes for a good pairing with Kirsty Stuart’s Eithne, the Pictish version of a manic pixie dream girl if ever there was one. (Manic pictish dream girl OH MY GOD.) She’s full of energy and conversations with spirits and flowery language, compared to the Roman’s straight lines. And yet, as she tells her captive, she wants his help to become Roman, so that she can implore the governor to work with her to implement peace instead of continued violence on her people. Maybe if he helps her, she won’t sacrifice him. Also if there’s a good pig she won’t need to.
In this early-AD Odd Couple, Eithne, witch of the salmon people who only tell stories by fire pit, learns how to read and write, learns about world history, learns about Roman life and laws. Lucius learns about the Pictish people, those that his mission has been to quash, and decides to write about this woman and her life. They both warm to each other. Over the weeks they study together in this cave, they become friends, and then they start to fall in love, obvs.
A love story between these two stark contrasts – one of straight lines, one of nature and spirits; one of the invaders vs. one of the oppressed natives – could easily have been as trite and schmaltzy (and annoying) as other attempts at heartfelt stories between colonizer and victim usually are. Although I feared that the final scene would be a bit like the U.S.-only ending of the 2005 Pride & Prejudice – which is superior, but too romantic for Brits apparently – this play managed to avoid all potential traps due to its strong writing delivering on a well-formed idea of what it wanted to accomplish. It did so with humor, great performances, and solid direction from Elizabeth Newman. I really enjoyed the set design and staging (I can’t find if Lizzie or someone else is responsible for the design), especially the circle of fire (erma erma) and the gorgeously done mosaic reveal (LOVED). The only thing I didn’t enjoy was that the little fire pit onstage blew all its smoke right in my face for a good hour as it died out, like no matter what the wind brought it right into my face, the face of the person in that audience who tolerates smoke the worst. My eyes are still burning two days later (they are like pumice, it’s not great). But that’s just me I’m weird. (See seating info below.)
Between the otherwise fresh air in Pitlochry and the lack of a stranger sitting right next to me (keep this up forever, maybe?), this returnship was about as nice as I could have hoped. Sure I got so nauseous on the winding Napoli-coastline-style drive that we had to stop so I could [redacted], but still, what a night. I highly recommend this show.
INFORMATION
The outdoor amphitheatre is up a windy hill, and although the main building and parking lot is a construction zone at present, the climb up and the amphi’s setting is beyond gorgeous. I need to talk to whoever is in charge of their gardening because um I need your help. Although the setting is lovely, the walk may be difficult for those who are less ambulatory.
Because the main building’s under construction and the shows are happening in this relatively small outdoor area at the top of a freaking hill, that means the toilets are unavailable. There is a portapotty up on the hill – one, for everyone. Luckily it never got too crowded (do Scottish people not pee??) but I was less than thrilled about having to use a porto three times (three is the bare minimum for me at the theatre, what fun I have). It was clean and whatever but I dreamt longingly of the endless immaculate newly refurbished stalls of Broadway’s Lyric Theatre, oh those were the days. Oh there are two bar setups up there as well. Nothing more UK than two spacious bar setups with like four staff members, but one toilet.
You have to wear masks everywhere except when you are seated, which seems a bit nonsensical since that’s when you are closest to other people and not walking around an incredibly spacious garden setting. That should really be rethought. Groups are sat so there’s a good few feet between them on each row, but it doesn’t stagger from row to row, meaning you have someone right behind and right in front of you. I guess that’s smarter than being surrounded on all diagonals? but because of it I wish they didn’t actively tell people they could take their masks off once seated.
The seating is open plan; an usher will seat you as you arrive. They sat us on the far aisle from where you enter, second row, so don’t sit there if you hate smoke. Although that was probably a unique occurrence from the universe just to fork with me so you’ll be fine.
‘Adventures of the Painted People’ plays at the Pitlochry Festival Theatre (in Perthshire, the most beautiful part of Scotland), until July 4, when I assume the closing performance will be marked with nonstop fireworks from your shitty neighbors. Just kidding, not in Scotland baby!
Christmas Romcoms Take 2: Back & “Better” Than Ever!
It’s the moooost wonderful tiiiime of the year! The time when Netflix is like, ‘hey girl, hayyy, we’re gonna suggest you take a break from your daily medicine of 2-3 episodes of Friends and instead watch some hot hot Christmas garbage: the “romantic” “comedies” you j’adore straight from the Hallmark channel but senza the commercials!’ It was truly like magic: on the last night of Chanukah, I opened Netflix and my entire list of recommendations comprised new-to-me Santa-loving love stories of the tried true and tested (over and over again) Hallmark formula. I metaphorically speaking poured myself a cup of peppermint hot cocoa and hit play on the first one before you could sing “here I go here I go here I go again girls what’s my weakness? this”.
Before we get into it, let’s review that aforementioned formula:
- 1 cup white girl, blonde if possible (best if she’s the good ‘worked her way up from nothing and has no family’ kind you get at the organic store, not Dutch-processed)
- 2 tablespoons owns her own small business
- 3 ounces of a small town that somehow has enormous business opportunites and enormously wealthy and powerful people
- 1/2 cup white man who is meant to be super attractive but I do not find him thus (budget issues prob) Preferred flavor: he’s rich af
- 1 teaspoon spunky gal pal, preferably who works in the main lady’s small business and is a woman of color
- As many small children who have been through trauma yet still embody the ‘spirit of Christmas’ as you can carry. Bonus points if the guy is their father
- Optional but recommended: a Santa or other holiday-scented older person who has some sort of ‘Christmas magic’ orchestrating fate
- Mix well and fold in a side romance of an older couple who has known each other for years and finally tell each other how much they wanna bang without breaking a hip
- Make sure to mention that a character with one line is a veteran and have the main man thank him for his service
- Also make sure the two main characters ALMOST kiss about 2/3 through the movie
- Pour everything into a big event that brings the whole town together where the two main characters can finally profess their love and have the world’s chastest kiss (this is Christian mom tv after all)
- Ice it with a title that can be slapped onto anything; the more generic the better
The most incredible, insane detail that I never realized but then kept seeing proved over and over? All of these movies run 1 hour and 26 minutes.
Okay so I know last year’s roundup referenced in the title how all of this is ‘hot hot garbage’ but honestly most of these…were…excellent. Maybe I just needed it and had no energy for cynicism! Or maybe they algorithmed me only the best of the bunch! But something is different this year, and these are ace…I think? Let’s review!
CATERING CHRISTMAS
Catering Christmas was the first piece of trash I watched this season, so it has that bit of specialness in its favor and I’ll always be grateful to Netflix for knowing when I was ready and what I should start with. I honestly loved it even though I did not find the lead guy sufficiently attractive (as is standard). Our heroine, Molly, is a caterer trying to make her independent business boom in her small town. She gets the chance to audition to cater the Harrison Foundation’s annual enormous Christmas Gala — what an opportunity! At the audition at Emily Gilmore’s house, a man walks into the kitchen and she mistakes him for her new sous chef, who a chef would totally realistically meet for the first time AT a very important job. She orders him around, saying ‘wash your hands!’ and ‘who taught you how to hold a knife!’ and never says ‘what’s your name!’ or ‘are you my sous chef?’ Turns out he’s the nephew of Old Lady Emily Gilmore Harrison, a trust fund baby (of I’d say 40 years of age). What a meet cute! No I’m serious, I kind of love this premise. Molly gets the job and the nephew is ordered to be more involved in the foundation so he oversees her and the Gala. This Gala, by the way, the most important annual event of this philanthropic foundation that’s known internationally, is held in Emily’s small living room, littered with a hoarder’s knickknacks, as about 20 people looking like they shopped the sale rack at Blouse Barn simply stand around. It’s perfect.
The two clearly like each other and the only conflict is that he travels a lot and she’s like ‘absolutely not, I’m not getting involved with someone who LEAVES TOWN’, so, as always, something that could have been solved with a conversation much earlier. Although I didn’t buy the guy being ‘so charming’ (or funny) and Molly smiled way too big way too often (especially in the final scene like who asked to see your gum line, tone it down before you scare him off you’re not a wolf and he’s not Belle), they did have decent chemistry that sold the story to me completely. Round it out with the rich old lady and her long-serving butler finally professing their love for each other and deciding to get married (lol like Emily Gilmore would ever keep a servant around long enough to remember their name let alone marry them) and you have one of my new favorite little sewer rats.
I’M GLAD IT’S CHRISTMAS
Please let me first congratulate this one on possibly the best, most obviously ‘we are running out of things to call these movies’ titles of all time. OF ALL TIME. This one stars perennial favorite Jessica Lowndes (the Stephen Huszar of Hallmark movies (that means they are repeat offenders and I am always happy to see them)) (okay him) as an aspiring Broadway performer, waiting for her big break while working in a New Jersey gift shop and going to the occasional audition for, it seems, only Christmas-themed Broadway shows. Her backstory means that she is singing the entire time, so we see how talented she is, and because this is Low Budget, it means she sings public domain Christmas songs the whole time, like while she’s wrapping presents in the shop as the customers watch IN MF AWE. It’s SO CRINGE. I LOVE IT. One of those customers is…Gladys Knight, no like THE ACTUAL Gladys Knight is in this movie. Gladys thinks Jessica is so talented that she asks her to come to her office along with a Hot Santa she met on the street who writes jingles. Man I love that someone writes this stuff. (It really is Gladys Knight btw I cannot stress this enough.)
The dialogue in this one made me audibly groan throughout, with gems like: Jessica saying “this is my fifth Christmas here and it never gets old” (is five years supposed to be a lot), Hot Santa saying, “…yeahhhh.” Classics.
So Gladys Knight wants to make a little commercial neighborhood of this small random NJ town a ‘Christmas destination’ like it was in the days of yore, and she thinks Christmas Ariana Grande and Jingle-writing Santa are the solution: to work on the Holiday Lane Christmas Show. Make it a big extravaganza like it used to be, boys! Jason (Hot Santa is named Jason) will write the songs, and Chloe (Jessica is Chloe) will sing like ‘an angel’ with her ‘spectacular voice’ (I’m not saying she’s not talented but stop telling us, Gladys). Chloe is nervous about committing to the Show because she has a lot of auditions lined up in the next few weeks, because Broadway famously has lots of auditions around Christmas (maybe true, I don’t really know and it is lots of Jews, right, we built this city). My favorite part is that at every BROADWAY AUDITION, she sings Christmas songs. Gd it I love public domain obviousness.
What I like about this one is that instead of having the couple wait till the last minute to be like ‘I like you’ ‘me tooo’ ‘awww’ they tell each other after meeting once for five minutes, like so early in the movie that Alias wouldn’t even have dropped the credit sequence yet. Complete opposite! Ballsy! Does it pay off? No! If they know they want to be together from the start, then the dramatic arc is simply ‘is this girl gonna land a big role on Broadway’ and the answer is ‘are you serious’.
I wholeheartedly recommend this one SOLELY for the way Gladys answers, “…really?” when Chloe’s boss at the gift shop says she took tap lessons. It’s pure gold-plated cringe. The worst part as always is the guy’s daughter who might be the most over the top child actor I’ve ever seen. So annoying.
The Christmas villain in this one is the hair and makeup department. Jessica is probably younger than me but they gave her old lady hair the whole movie and I don’t understand why! I bet it’s the same stylist who did Santino’s in Tootsie.
What about this movie will make you almost throw up if you are trying to stay positive and not be a Grinchy cynic? ALL OF IT. Jason writes Chloe a song called “Christmas Feels Like Falling in Love” and that’s the big showstopper of the Xmas concert. It’s actually pretty catchy but oh my god the sentiment. To quote the back of p.18 of Rachel’s famous 18-page letter (front and back), DOES IT? DOES IT? Even better, at one point Jason the jingle writer says “jingles pay the bills” (but as you know, SINGING. DOES NOTUH. PAYUH. THE BILLS) and Chloe responds BY SINGING JINGLE BELLS. Just walking down the street responding to a conversation with a christmas carol as one does.
Netflix had this on my Recommended list after I watched it and I said to husbo as we were finding something to watch ‘oh what’s that I’m Glad It’s Christmas did I watch that?’ And he scrolled over and it said ‘watch again’ and we died laughing. These titles have absolutely nothing to do with anything! Christmas Movie A.
A BRUSH WITH CHRISTMAS
Points for having a sort-of specific title! That ‘brush’ is a reference to paint brushes! It’s clever! It’s cute! This movie is the latter and not the former! We get a head chef at a restaurant, Charlotte, who really in her heart of hearts wants to be a painter. She’s very talented, but she has no time to follow her dreams, because she’s a good girl who promised her mother that she’d keep her late father’s restaurant going. They have a very talented staff, especially the sous chef, but SHUSH your face, Charlotte must be head chef there’s no time to discuss it even though the trained Ayo is trained and great and ready and Charlotte doesn’t want it I SAID NO. This small town has an annual Christmas painting contest (me explaining this one to husbo: “so there’s a Christmas painting contest–” Z interrupting angrily: “THAT’S NOT A GENRE!”) and Charlotte starts to paint a beautiful entry but then throws it out because painting will not put food on the paying customers’ tables. Painting. Does Notuh. Pay. The Billsuh. She throws her giant canvas just like out in a dumpster in an alley it’s so dramatic. A handsome man finds it and enters it into the contest! It was half finished so he scribbles in the rest sloppily (it’s super arty) and enters as Anonymous (he’s not taking credit for it, just thinks it should be seen. What a mensch). Charlotte confronts him and is like ‘wtf rando, this is my painting and who said you could do this’ and he’s like ‘omg this is yours? It’s really good, and by the way I’m the famous artist Wyatt Something’ and Charlotte is like ‘You’re Wyatt Something? Holy shit I have your coffee table book’ which is such a small world. So they start spending time together because he’s in town staying with his best friend, who seems like a very pleasant guy but is 100% the guy on Friends who tells Rachel “my mom calls it Bloomies.” He teaches Charlotte to follow her dreams and she teaches him how to paint, because he’s a pencil artist, and I guess that doesn’t translate, which is not very believable, like did he not go to art school? don’t they have like prerequisites?
The two leads acted decently and were very attractive by Hallmark’s standards so I liked them a lot, but they just didn’t have chemistry together. Charlotte just kind of smiled big a lot, and Wyatt just kind of skated by on his looks. Besides Wyatt, my favorite part of this movie was that Charlotte and her talented sous kept talking about how revelatory and exciting the idea of a butternut squash risotto special for the Christmas menu was, as if butternut squash risotto was not one of the most overdone dishes in white people history. They kept saying butternut squash risotto wow oh my and I kept saying stop trying to make butternut squash risotto happen.
B&B MERRY
I watched this one just to rag on it for having the stupidest title I ever heard. And then I forking loved it. I think this damn movie might be my new fave. Serves me right.
B&B Merry is about a travel blogger named Tracy Wise who not only manages to make a living from her travel website, but is actually quite famous for it, and all this after having worked very briefly as a lawyer, so I definitely didn’t feel immediately called out or jealous, no sirree, I mean I don’t even have ads on here (you’re welcome). So up in small town Vermont let’s say, an attractive man named Graham sees her travel videos (‘oh let me guess…on the internet?’) and invites her to review his family’s struggling B&B over Christmas. It’s been in his fam bam for years, but it’s been struggling ever since the big swanky Park View hotel opened in town. Nevermind that if a town is too small for two hotels to have enough business, it’s probably too small for a big swanky hotel to begin with.
Tracy agrees to visit, not because it makes sense for an internationally known travel blogger to spend her big-money Christmas review time in a tiny B&B in small-town Vermont, but because a big-time luxury travel magazine is sending her on an audition job to review the Park View hotel! Oh my gosh Santa, what a coincidence. She thinks oh I can kill two birds with one Vermont visit, boys! But she’s a confusion bucket, and when she runs into Graham in the town’s diner, she can’t find the words to say ‘oh I didn’t show up days early just to fux with you, I’m actually reviewing the Park View first, see you later alligator’. Instead she just lets him assume she arrived early WITHOUT WARNING like a fucking INTERNET SAVAGE and goes to meet his mom and aunt, who run the b&b (merry). They are beside themselves trying to give her whatever she might want so she is happy and raves about them, like tea and baked goods and a lack of personal space. As soon as Tracy goes to enter the b&b, her boyfriend, who is supposed to be joining her on this romantic Christmas stay (Christmas is sooo romantic), calls and breaks up with her. And then instead of telling the hosts that their other guest is not coming, she’s just like ‘oh he’s running late.’ BE MORE HONEST. JESUS WOULD WANT THAT.
In the meantime, Tracy and Graham spend time together and fall in Hallmark love, of course, and I ship them so hard. They are higher than average attractive for these movies, and they are very likeable. The cringey dialogue and awkward pauses seemed fewer throughout. And the Conflict causing their eventual fight was stupid but believable: why didn’t she tell him that she was reviewing the Park View? It wouldn’t have been so weird; it’s her job! Also the Park View was so basic, it made me laugh to see that put that forward as the fancy upscale place, it was like a Holiday Inn room. Which are clean and comfy yes but nothing special. It was the public domain music of sets.
They finally make up because Tracy pans the Park View and raves about Graham’s little B&B, so the meaning of Christmas is apparently the loss of ethics in journalism but we’ve all been dealing with that for years anyway. So funny that everything was okay once she proved that she would use her blog to help his business and then let him follow her around the world taking pictures.
The bond between Tracy and the whole family was believable and made this trash seem not trashy at all. I liked Graham a lot considering these leading men are usually such disappointments. 3/3 Weissmans.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS WISH
This insane random generic irrelevant title is my favorite like how could you have any clue which one this is?! I’ll tell you. This is the one with I think the same lady as A Christmas Miracle for Daisy from last year’s roundup which yes is a godawful title but at least we get the specific detail of a character name. Anyway she’s a big-time corporate executive in NYC (tick those boxes!) named Janie (I can’t believe I remembered that!) whose great uncle leaves her a big farm upstate or up in Vermont (are all these films in Vermont?). I can’t even name a great uncle. So she goes to visit it and meets the man who has been running the farm for her great uncle and is just kind of keeping things moving until Janie decides what to do with it. Everyone’s pretty sure she’ll sell it, including Janie, but she has to look around and see what life on a farm is like. Even though it’s absolutely nothing like what they show in this movie, because they didn’t talk about the smell of slurry even once.
So guess who the Romantic Leading Man running the farm is? Cameron Mathison, the soap star who was on my flight to LA last summer. He sat behind me! I LOVE THIS MOVIE! We waited for our bags together! I can’t believe it, if I knew about this movie before I could have talked to him about it. le sigh!
So Janie and Cameron decide to put on one last Winter Wonderland for the town, which Great Uncle Vanya used to do every year. They get to know each other blah blah they obviously love each other right away. But then her boyfriend back in NYC finds a buyer for the farm and she can’t say no, what is she, a farmer? So she sells and Cameron is like ‘what the fork lady, now I’m out of a job?!’ he doesn’t say that but I did. Back in NYC, Janie and her boyfriend break up because he’s like super annoying and kisses her on the forehead only, and it was the longest breakup in the history of the world, it dragged forever. Seriously they spent like 10 mins on her slow boring break up with the guy we don’t care about. And then the ending kept going and going as she took forever and a day to go back to Cameron, tell him her whole plan for the future yada yada yada before they even kiss!! We’re sitting here like what the actual f, we don’t care what your business plans are, lady, just kiss so he can get paid and buy that flight to LA.
CHRISTMAS AT THE DRIVE-IN
Danica McKellar Hallmark! I’m gonna do this one live tweet style, RIP twitter.
The exposition barfed up in the first 20 seconds is gold: Danica broke off her engagement a year ago and is single and her best friend reminds her that when she practiced law, she was really good at it and worked at legal aid and stuff. BASIL EXPOSITION, as we shout when we get told information in unartful ways. In the small town where she grew up and has now moved back home, there’s a snowy drive-in movie theatre that is gonna sell to an Amazon type distribution center because no one goes to the movies anymore and that has coincided with the downfall of society, actually (my add). So the owner by inheritance, Holden, was Danica’s first love (I’m just gonna keeping calling her Danica) and first kiss and that is some Christian wet dream style backstory for an eventual OTP, I’m surprised they don’t use that more often in these. My fave part was when the Amazon lady was like ‘I could keep you busy if you have more property to sell!’ and Holden was like ‘I like busy’ all sultry like? and then everyone laughed I’m sorry what was funny about that? Holden better not be the romantic interest because he’s no bueno.
Holden is the romantic interest.
Danica is apparently a law professor now. I thought the worst line would be when she tries to tell her students that property law saved Christmas because of a MADE UP HYPO SHE FED THEM ABOUT ELVES AND SNOWMEN SUING EACH OTHER, but then she said at a city council meeting, that the drive-in is like christmas and thus can’t be torn down. Because you can’t tear down Christmas.
What bothered me most about this movie was a) they were OLD but I think they were supposed to be my age, because they say it’s been x years since he graduated high school and that’s my same x ew and oh no, but anyway at some point she says that back then when they graduated high school he left without answering her calls OR TEXTS, but we didn’t have texting then! I didn’t text until AFTER COLLEGE. Fact checkers at Hallmark sleeping on the job.
After Danica’s impassioned speech about saving the drive-in, the city council gives her until THAT NIGHT to get the drive-in up and running to show whether it’s profitable and important to the town or not. Remember that Holden, the owner, WANTS TO SELL IT. But they are listening to some random lawyer who has no real connection to it. And best of all, the council forces Holden to put in a ‘good faith effort’ to help Danica get the drive-in going. It’s the best small town nonsense I’ve ever heard. When the two go over what they need to get started, like coffee and hot chocolate and the projectors working, NEITHER OF THEM TALK ABOUT THE FILM. WHAT FILM ARE YOU GOING TO SHOW? WHO IS GOING TO BOOK IT? WHAT ARE YOUR CHOICES IF YOU ARE GOING WITH PUBLIC DOMAIN? I NEED TO KNOW. obviously it’s Christmas movies I bet they cut that line to make sure they hit the 1 hour 26 mark and were like, eh everyone will assume they’re showing Christmas movies. Ugh alright.
As they work on the drive-in together, obvs the old sparks come back and they love each other again and honestly…I take back what I said about Holden. He’s a good enough actor that he’s growing on me but more importantly these two actually have chemistry and are good together onscreen. What a revelation.
My favorite part is that the mayor’s big exclusive fancy Gossip-Girl-style event that everyone important has to show up to is like a school dance. I think it really is in the school gym. Sad budgets man.
That’s all for Netflix. Amazon Prime has a Hallmark channel extra subscription! And they give a 7-day free trial! Me: “When should I start my trial!!” Husbo: “when I’m in a coma”.
Here’s what I watched!
ONE ROYAL HOLIDAY
I cannot adequately express how much I screamed when the very first film Hallmark recommended to me to start my free trial was this movie starring LAURA OSNES, AARON TVEIT, AND VICTORIA CLARK. Broadway veterans (Tony winning ones! (okay or just nominated in Laura’s case but still!) that I absolute love (or used to love in Laura’s case but still!)!
Laura plays a nurse in Boston who is soooo sweeeeet she’s like the sweetest nurse anyone has everrr metttt (even though she doesn’t believe in science, like who let the antivaxer into a hospital). Once her last shift of the holidays is over, she sets out on her drive to her dad’s inn in Connecticut. Laura stops at a faux Dunkin Donuts for a coffee and a Christmas cruller, which happen to be buy one get one free! She’s sooo sweeeet that she offers the free donut to the man behind her, and reader, that man is Aaron Tveit, and he is the prince of a little fake European country! She doesn’t recognize the prince so he presses him ‘come on take the donut’ and he is like ‘no I am from x fake country and we eat glorious cakes made of the same exact ingredients but more expensive’. Aaron and his bodyman went into Dunkin to get a tea for his mother – the Queen – who is waiting in the car, which they are all stopped and just sitting in as they decide what to do because their plane home was cancelled and their regional driver can’t take them too far because he has to get home for the holidays and everyone else in their entourage ‘went on ahead’ and made the earlier flight I MEAN ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING TO THE ROYAL FAMILY? People’s heads would be had. Laura, still with no idea that she’s with the world-famous royals, overhears their chat and offers a stay in her dad’s inn until the weather improves. Aaron and the Man are like ‘absolutely not this cannot be safe for…regular folks like us’ and Queen Victoria is like ‘oh yes that sounds absolutely PERFECT!’ So they GET IN LAURA’S CAR and she drives them to her dad’s house. SECURITY! When they arrive, Laura’s best friend is there, and said best friend is played by Krystal Joy Brown (another Bway) and IS THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN. Mayor Krystal and BodyMan look at each other and IMMEDIATELY fall in love, and then the family introduces themselves properly to Laura’s dad and he’s like okay cool Queenie come on in, and Laura still doesn’t know for a few minutes and you think they’re going to say ‘don’t tell her’ or something but then they tell her like literally 30 seconds later, it’s such a let down.
So the mfing Queen and King-to-Be (his father the King recently died and I guess they’re pretending it’s not a matter of immediate succession? maybe they didn’t know that’s how it works here) set up camp in this nice little Christmas inn and every morning they’re like ‘did the snow melt?’ and someone is like ‘no it’s still bad out’ and then eventually they don’t want to leave because they are having so much fun being normal and quiet and so they are like ‘oh the ice melted but it might still be dangerous so let’s not leave today to go back to our responsibilities of running a country.’ Husbo walks in at one point, watches for ten seconds, and then says ‘oh I’m gonna hang myself.’
As they spend time together going to Christmas events in the town (with the mayor!) and planning this movie’s Big Christmas Dance, Aaron slowly warms up and he and Laura Like Each Other. (Husbo at this part: “Oh she can get it…and by it I mean Covid 19”). Meanwhile, Mayor Krystal and the Body Man are already like IN it, and Krystal tells her friend ‘don’t worry that he lives in another country, just see what happens and you’ll figure it out, like we are’ yeah they are already a couple it’s pretty funny. But Aaron is gonna be KING! Laura can’t be with the king! What if she gets denied entry to your country because she’s not vaccinated?!
While Aaron and Laura get closer and the Mayor gets her man, you kind of get the sick impression that they are going to make Laura’s father – played by the bad journalist (every journalist nowadays) from The Birdcage – and the Queen happen but that would be WEIRD. He can’t become king! Also the real King just recently died so let the woman mourn. Instead, the Old Person Coupling is the father with his long-time cook. It’s cute. OMG that means we get THREE COUPLES in this movies. Definitely a record.
Oh I bet you are wondering why the Queen and Crown Prince of small European country were IN BOSTON to begin with. They hosted a gala for a big hospital in Boston that once upon a time treated the king and took great care of him (he didn’t die that time). Yes you guessed it – it was Laura’s hospital, and they find out that she was his nurse. He used an assumed name and she remembered the nice old man who told her that it’s too bad she couldn’t meet his son because he would have treated her like a princess. Oh my lanta it’s so corny I love it.
The Hallmark wardrobe and hair person for this movie – is it the same for all of them – HATED Aaron. The Moulin Rouge flopsy style is just not working for him in this; it’s extra flopsy now. He needs a younger man’s haircut to look good. Laura’s gold dress at the end was phenomenal though, it actually seemed like a nice option and not the nicest option at JCPenny like every other ‘beautiful gown’ in these movies. The way too obvious Cinderella references were a bit much since anyone who would understand them already knew what was what, but it is cute that she and Vicky (her fairy godmother on Broadway) were reuniting. Not sure if she and Aaron ever acted together? Except in other timelines where her Sandy in Grease (after her reality show win in “You’re the One that I Want!”) matched up with his Danny in Grease (NBC Live). Oh I almost forgot to mention – WHAT IS THE MFING POINT OF CASTING THESE PEOPLE IF THIS ISN’T A MUSICAL?? They don’t even really have them sing. They sing one line of a Christmas carol each at the town tree lighting and THAT’S IT! Unions?
CHATEAU CHRISTMAS
This is another one I really wanted to rag on because of the title but then I loved it, possibly because Luke McFarlane is legit. Such a solid leading man and not just in Bros. The leading lady is the same as in Catering Christmas and even though she’s smiling a little too big again, I bought into the story. Trading in her knives for a piano, she’s now a world-famous pianist whose big Christmas concert (on Christmas day…sure Jan) was cancelled because the theatre started falling apart during rehearsal. Unions! With no big concert in the city holding her back, she visits her family at this well-known chateau where they’re staying for Christmas. At lunch there, they pressure her to play the restaurant’s piano for the crowd. The whole place is like wowww is that Famous Pianist that Joe Shmo even knows? The place is shook. I can’t name one famous pianist. Her ex-boyfriend Luke McFarlane, who is also a musician but now is a music professor, happens to be there too, because his friend roped him into directing the local Christmas Concert – which also is on CHRISTMAS DAY – and he needs to find some good acts. Lo and behold Margot (that’s her name) plays the restaurant piano and Luke’s friend is all oh we have a showww!
Despite their history, Margot agrees to play in the concert when her family is like yeah that would be cool also we always liked Luke why did you break up? It’s because Margot had the chance to go be super successful, and even though they still loved each other she didn’t ask him to go with her or didn’t think that was an option or he didn’t really want to or some such miscommunication that almost ruined lives. They realize early on that they clearly still love each other but are scared to say it and get hurt again.
During all the Getting Closer and Planning the Show segments, they find an older broken up classical quartet to reunite, although their cellist died so for daaays everyone is like oh no what can we do and then finally someone remembers that Luke is a professional cellist. It takes people FOREVER to reach natural conclusions in these movies. Two of the three originals of the quartet broke up like 90 years ago when one went off to be famous, just like Margot and Luke, but this concert brings them back together and they fall in love again, which is so sweet and takes care of our Old People Coupling rule. Margot and Luke learn their lesson from the oldsters and at the literal last second of the movie have the world’s chastest kiss and then Luke becomes a gay icon.
ROYAL NEW YEARS EVE
Guys I was so upset that all of this supposed garbage I had set out to watch and laugh at how bad it was I was actually enjoying without irony, so when I saw this option I said HELL YEAH GIVE ME SOME REAL HOT HOT GARB. I loved this one too. FUCK.
This edition of the Royal series (I’m assuming) sees alternate universe Andy from Devil Wears Prada, Caitlyn, working super hard as the assistant to horrible Miranda Priestley wannabe except meaner?? Abigail, who runs the fashion world. Caitlyn wants to be a designer, but Abigail will not give her aspirations a chance. Instead, Abigail puts all up-and-coming designer efforts into making her daughter’s design dreams happen. When the Royal Prince (from unnamed ‘small European country’) and his probable fiancee-to-be arrive for their big New Years Eve Gala that Abigail and the magazine are throwing/planning (which seems like a plot point to mock but it’s not when you remember Anna Wintour puts on the Met Gala), he runs into Caitlyn when he stops by Hearst Tower or whatever to bring his galpal her event notebook. Caitlyn mistakes him for a simple courier and is like ‘listen you can’t go up there just because you’re what, a model and you want Abigail to put you in the magazine? no sorry friend’ and he’s like ‘you think I’m a model?’ and it’s a cute meet cute and they are flirty and then she’s like alright peace I gotta go and he’s like ‘okay but listen, next time we meet, promise me you won’t be embarrassed about this’ and she’s just like ‘ok?? no followup questions!’ Of course they meet again soon since Caitlyn is helping her boss plan this gala with the prince and Lady Whatsername, and she’s like ‘jfc you’re THE PRINCE? of UNNAMED COUNTRY?’ and he’s like ‘I told you not to be embarrassed!’ and she’s like ‘I’m not embarrassed I’m kind of mad!’ well she didn’t say that but I did.
Meanwhile, she wears one of her own creations to an early event and Lady Whats is like, wow, this is gorgeous (it is off the rack JCPenny Prom 2008), I want you to design my New Years Eve gown and Abigail is like WHAT! NO! MY DAUGHTER MUST! but instead of doing literally anything in her endless powers in the fashion world to help her daughter find another chance to show her designs, Abigail instead sets out to sabotage Caitlyn’s creation of Lady What’s gown. For instance, she makes Caitlyn do all the work planning the Gala so she is time crunched. What Abigail didn’t realize is that by forcing Caitlyn to spend all her time with the Prince all a-planning and what not, they were going to fall in love. BUT OF COURSE! We saw that coming! So did Lady W, who calls…THE KING to come and set the young kids straight. The king SHOWS UP AT CAITLYN’S SHITTY APARTMENT, the KING, do you hear me? and has a little chat with her about duty and honor and royal life and how happiness comes second to responsibility to the kingdom or whatever, even though she loves his son.
Meanwhile x2, Abigail finagles her way into Caitlyn’s apartment to take a picture of the gown, she has the art department photoshop the dress into an old photo of some socialite or something, and she shows Lady W and they’re all like OH MY GOD YOU STOLE THE DESIGN CAITLYN? YOU ARE FIRED FROM DESIGNING MY GALA GOWN (Lady) AND FROM YOUR JOB (Abigail). This even though Abigail’s reasonable daughter told her mother not to do this. But evil’s gonna evil. Jeffrey is like, I know she didn’t do this. But Caitlyn decides to listen to the king and heal what she can of her broken heart by staying away. That is until Jeffrey’s manservant Barnaby comes to see her and talk to her about happiness and love and stuff, the other angle of the King’s talk. So she goes to the Gala after all, wearing, of course, THE GOWN. The entire crowd in the…small town mayor’s foyer by the looks of it…turns to look at her and mfing GASPS. I mean she does look beautiful and it’s a much nicer JCPenny dress but still, a ‘hall’ ‘gala’ ostensibly full of super powerful people and royals is overwhelmed with her magnificent dress? Okay that’s nice! She and Jeff dance and they get about 20 seconds to enjoy being together before their requisit End of Movie Very Chaste Christian Approved Kiss. Oh this right after she says ‘so you’re not proposing to someone tonight even though it’s NYE’ and hes like ‘there’s always next year’ sealing the deal that next year he’ll propose to her and she’ll become what, A QUEEN? she doesn’t have it sorry.
TIS THE SEASON TO BE MERRY
First of all I can’t with this unbelievably generic title!
I watched this one because it stars Rachael Leigh Cook opposite Rip Van Winkle’s son, and I was eager to see what her acting was like since her seminal interpretation of the line “am I a bet? am I a F***ING BET?” It’s about the same.
Rachael plays a famous social media (and I think also some sort of legit publication) dating advice guru, but sadly she can’t find love herself. How ironic and novel an idea! Speaking of novel, she has a book about to be published about her successful engagement based on her rules for dating, but she and her editor haven’t told the big boss that it’s actually a work of fiction. She’s not engaged! She’s not even dating! So much bothered me about this and we’re about 4 minutes in: no way that the big boss would have waited till this late in the process to have her underlings do a fact check, no way that they pitched this imaginary romance as an actual true story, and no way that rebranding it as Merry’s imaginary romance would be that big a deal.
Side bar: Normally I would call Rachael’s character simply ‘Rachael’ since as you’ve seen in my other reviews, I can’t remember any characters’ names, and also she’s IRL famous, but I need to share that her character’s name is MERRY and I thought that everyone was saying ‘Mary’ just in the weird way people from other parts of the country say it. That is, until they showed her book cover at the very end. MERRY. Like Christmas. And I am just now realizing the title in that regard. F-ing hell that’s cringey! I am fully sure that they thought of the title first and then named the character for a cutesy little game among the ‘writing staff’ (I’m pretty sure this is all AI).
Back to the plot: It’s Christmastime and Merry goes with her editor Darleen, who is also her long-time best friend so that’s pretty nice and/or the way a dating advice instagrammer got a book deal, to spend the festive period with Darleen’s family on their (checks the next box to be ticked) Christmas tree farm. Darleen puts Merry in a guest room so Merry can take a much needed nap, and she’s curled up on the bed with eye mask and ear plugs when Darleen’s hot travel-junkie peace-corps-style brother comes out of the shower and lies down on the bed WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT. Merry jumps, he jumps, it’s all very Proposal “why are you wet!” scene.
As Merry hangers-on during the family holiday festivities, she and the brother build up a rapport, enjoying each other’s company for the first time as grown ass adults, it seems, since they grew up together (seriously no one at the publisher asked questions about Darleen pushing this social media dating book? nepo baby!). Through all the Christmas events, like the town tree lighting, the house lighting, the drinking of cider, the eating of various cakes and pastries in homegrown mom-and-pop cafes and diners, the dressing as elves to help Santa give out gifts…there’s a lot of small town events going on jfc…anyway through it all they enjoy each other’s company, which means true love.
Speaking of small town events, the Christmas tree live auction was INSANE. They start the bidding at like $100 and they keep going up and up and up, who are these people with this kind of money in this small town!!
Anyway it all works out and Merry and Brother love each other and her book at the end is called No Rules for Love, and there’s an extended closeup of the cover. SO WHY ISN’T THAT THE NAME OF THE MOVIE.
ROAD TO CHRISTMAS
I clicked on this one because it stars Jessy Schram, the spritely blonde who was just winning over a gottam prince on New Year’s Eve, alongside mf-ing TRISTAN DUGREY, aka Chad Michael Murray. Now you may recall from last year’s roundup that Chad Michael Murray starred in my most reviled one of these flicks of maybe all time, the one where he made the brunette who loves to sing and smile WIDE fall in love with him but then turned out to be an actual mf-ing angel like from heaven and made her marry her shitass ex boyfriend. Man I just got so angry and high blood pressured remembering that plot. Compared to that POS, Road to Christmas is pleasant excellence.
Jessy plays a TV producer responsible for the top cooking show, for like a Martha Stewart 20 years ago maybe, that’s the best I can come up with. Or Nigella 20 years ago. What happened to all the big cooking show stars? This Martha has decided, well Jessy decided and Martha is tentatively going along with it, that her big annual Christmas special will air live this year. How exciting, and how absolutely shitty to do to the crew!! Not only that, but for some reason they decide to film it not in LA, where everyone lives and works and has their families, but from Martha’s other home in Vermont. These people all deserve coal in their stocking and then for the stocking to be shoved up their asses. NBD to force all these low-paid underlings and hard-working crew members to leave their homes and families for Christmas and go across the country for work! Great idea, Jessy! This is why you unionize, people.
Because Martha is nervous about it, she decides to call in her former lead producer so that he and Jessy can work together and make sure everything goes perfectly. As you guessed, Tristan is that former producer, but as you did not guess, he’s also Martha’s son. NEPO BABY.
Tristan is kind of a dick in that perfect Tristan way where he’s still kind of charming, and Jessy clearly is like ooh la la, Mr. Dugrey. While the rest of the crew flies to Vermont and sets up early, Jessy and Tristan drive across the country to film prerecorded segments to be aired during the live show to give Martha a little reprieve and to up the Christmassiness. The segments are fun heartwarming Christmas things, like a big family-owned tree farm with a sweet old couple talking about their history, and a look at fun games to play with your family (which happens to be filmed at Jessy’s family’s house). Jessy’s big idea, because filming a live show and nailing it (and I guess eventually nailing Tristan, heyooo) isn’t enough, is to secretly gather Martha’s other two sons together so that she’ll be with them all on Christmas so she will win the brownnoser prize. Because she does the big Christmas show every Christmas, for years she was able to spend the holidays with Tristan, but she’s never been with her other two boys as well. But now I’m confused because it’s never been live before, so there’s no reason for the family to have been separated unless it was by choice. I should have paid better attention…although that’s assuming it’s my fault and not a plot point pissary.
On one of their early stops at a hotel doing a snowman-building race, Tristan realizes Jessy’s plan because the hotel’s manager is….Brother #1! He refuses to join the road trip and succumb to Jessy’s little mom plan unless they enter the snowman contest, so they do and they all share a cute little Hallmarky scene of flirting and bonding. Tristan and Brother #1 go to shake hands and Brother #1 says “Brothers don’t shake hands!! Brothers HUG!!!!” Just kidding that’s actually my favorite quote from ‘Tommy Boy’. Next stop, Brother #2! Actually, no, next stop is a surprise visit to Jessy’s family’s house in Nebraska. Surprise because while she was asleep in the car, two bros decided to surprise their new best friend by taking her home. She simply mentioned her hometown once and the boys somehow found her parents’ house and brought her there without her knowing. (Christmas magic.) And what luck! Even though it’s days before Christmas, it happens to be the day their family decides to throw their big party. The aforementioned ‘fun family friendly Christmas games’ that they thought was worth putting in an enormously popular nationwide live Christmas special? That’s Jessy’s family’s White Elephant, where you pick a present and someone can steal it etc. Except in their ludichristmas version, there was actually a White Elephant in the gift mix, like someone that they ostensibly love gets stuck with a literal white elephant toy – and just until next year! They don’t get to keep it! Who on this writing staff inserted their own insane family tradition in this movie’s depiction of the game? Someone got an Apple watch. Imagine paying for an Apple watch to give to a relative and ending up with a toy that gets passed around every year.
Aside from playing the meanest game ever, the family gives Jessy their approval re Tristan, because they’re clearly making eyes at each other. Jessy’s like ‘no we are just colleagues!’ and family’s like ‘okay sure Jan’ and Brother #1 is like ‘they are tooootally making eyes at each other!’ and Jessy’s sister is like ‘oh little sister! you were always such a hard worker and successful person’ you know how the dialogue is terrible?
Now it’s time to find Brother #2! He runs an animal rescue with his boyfriend. Excuse me why aren’t we getting a movie about them?! He’s cute too! REFUND. B2 declines the road trip and we learn how difficult it was for the other brothers when Tristan and Mom were always working on the special, and the others were left out. It is sad and also understandable!
Eventually they make it to Vermont for the show, and Martha sees that something is clearly going on between her son and her producer and she’s wary as one would be, especially when they kiss during the live show when Martha is trying to improvise LIVE ON CAMERA and they are in her eye line so like eesh so unprofessional but then both of the other brothers show up (Brother #1 fell off the trip at some point; he gave his train ticket to someone in need because Jesus) so Martha is so happy and is like okay Jessy I’ll let you make out with my son. Tristan never seems super into her?? I want him to reshoot his scenes and be more energetic about it. He seemed more like ‘yeah okay I’ll agree to this whynot’. Even so it was all okay and cute, but then they didn’t know how to end it. So they had Jessy lead everyone in a Christmas song and it was supes awks. Hallmark needs to stop trying to make their leading ladies’ singing careers happen. It’s not going to happen. I mean they literally had Laura Osnes and Vicky Clark and they DIDN’T sing but these small town jamokes you give entire songs to? make it stop.
CHRISTMAS AT THE PLAZA
I had two fairly big realizations in a 5 minute span, just before and after starting this movie. First, I realized that despite what seemed like nonstop Hallmark movie viewing in the month of December, none of them were actually the hot hot garbage I expected. But that’s the most fun stuff usually, so I had to find some garbage before December ended (I’m only allowed to watch these in December). I scrolled through the titles and thought, ‘Christmas at the Plaza? Okay that sounds awful, it’s perfect!’ A few minutes in I had realization #2: I WATCHED THIS ALREADY. I had watched this just a few weeks before but forgot to write it up. If that doesn’t say garbage, I don’t know what does! We did it Janet!!
In Chrimbo Plaz, a pretty young woman is hired by the world-famous Plaza Hotel in NYC as their Christmas historian. Hold on, there’s laughing in my head. I have no idea what the girl’s name is after watching this TWICE so I’m going to go look it up. Okay it’s Jessica. Literally not even in my top 100 guesses for this character’s name. Jessica’s project is to go through the Plaza’s Christmas artifacts and chronicle their 100 years+ of Christmas ornaments and design styles and eventually find a story for them to publicize. I know I don’t know everything but I’m pretty sure hiring a historian anthropologist to go through your history of Christmas decorations for posterity’s sake is not a thing hotel’s do. On arrival she meets the guy whose name is…googling…Nick. Nick is the Plaza’s Christmas decorator. Like he’s decorating the tree and the lobby for Christmas, yet he also is being paid to come in every single day. The Plaza’s manager has to be Maeby from Arrested Development, a child who has no idea what necessary jobs and payroll are and is faking her way through.
When Jessica and Nick meet, her introduction for some reason includes her education history, and she shares that she has three degrees, in like genetic anthropology and social anthropology and history or three other combinations of those or similar words. In response to this bonkers decision to share your schooling info when you simply were asked for your name, Nick says a line I will never forget in my life: “Wow, you better be careful, one more degree and you’ll have a fever.” I screamed.
Even though Nick is super cute and clearly instantly likes Jessica, who is very pretty but the blandest person I’ve ever seen on a screen, there are two obstacles: 1) Jessica’s boyfriend Dennis, who has been a giant jackwagon to her for nearly two years of dating, yet she anxiously awaits his proposal, which is definitely coming right? it has to be coming! Best friend, why isn’t he proposing? (Jessica, why do you want him to!! ew and oh no) and 2) Jessica almost quits after just a day or two, because she can’t find ‘the story’ that the Plaza wants from their history of Christmas ornaments.S She has received literally the least direction for a job anyone ever has. But luckily she finds her hook – in more than 100 years of Christmas trees at the Plaza, there was only one year where there was no finial d’arbe, which means Christmas tree topper, and no I didn’t have to just google that, that one is seared into my brain after Jessica says it about 813 times. Jessica finds some answers thanks to the film’s magical nice old man, the Plaza’s doorman who likes to work for his minimum wage so much that he often stays after hours until every guest is asleep (or ‘tucked in’, as he says, woof) to make sure everyone is safe. Which sounds nice but not when you realize they should probably nix the whole ‘Christmas historian’ and ‘full-time lobby decorator’ jawns and give that money to the hardworking doorman. Or just pay everyone more; they can. The doorman is played by Bruce Davison, who you’d recognize probably from Seinfeld or from X-Men, or from Penn State if you’re old. The Plaza manager, who keeps telling Jessica how vital her work is for their big Christmas…vibe? is Julia Duffy from Newhart and Designing Women. So this one got some names, comparatively.
As they spend time Christmassing and learning about past Christmases, Jessica and Nick liiiike each other and finally Jessica and her dopey boyfriend break up, but the fact that she was with him for two years and thought that he was worthwhile and/or that she deserved him makes me sad and also makes me question whether she is good enough for Nick! Clearly she’s a dope too! And she has one mood! Anyway at the end everything works out, because at some point Nick decorates Jessica’s entire house with Christmas decor without her noticing so she’s like oh is this love? So again, is this garbage? Or is it art?
That’s it for this year! Can’t wait for next December!
