Crossing the Torugart Pass: Our First Day in Kyrgyzstanby Randi / October 2, 2017
If you’ve been a devoted reader of this here website, then you know that I ABSOLUTELY ADORE sleeping outside in the countryside and worrying 24/7 about bathroom access. Readers familiar with my simply outstanding time in Mongolia will be happy to know that there’s more of that coming. That’s right, our first night in Kyrgyzstan, discussed in the previous post about our entry into this country, was the first night of several back in the yurt camps of my youth. In addition to our first night booked with Kubat Tours, we had an eight-day tour of the country booked with the company NoviNomad, and I was so nervous that it would mirror our Mongolian adventure in more ways than the structure of our sleeping shelters. And while it did – it really did in a few ways – this experience was roughly 100 times better than that in Mongolia, so much so that we said many times “Kyrgyzstan is what Mongolia wishes it could be.” Such a catchy catchphrase right?
Hold on though, because we still had some serious trials and tribulations, especially in the early days. And I’ll be sharing all of them because as expected I wrote diary entries every day. To keep track of all the many things we did and so I don’t get confused with my notes, I’m going to keep the diary entries numbered according to the day of the tour – 1 to 8 – even though it started on our second day in Kyrgyzstan. Don’t be confused it’s okay.
DAY 1
“Maybe this time…I’ll be lucky”
After our night in Tash Rabat, we drove two hours to Naryn, the main city (town) in the Naryn region of Kyrgyzstan. I mean, if another town claimed the title from Naryn when the region is named after it I bet there’d be some dramaaaa. The driver dropped us at a guest house used by the NoviNomad tour company, where we were to meet our driver for the week, Alexandr. I’m spelling it like that because it’s the Russian version and they do that e-less business and it helps you do the accent right. A very Russian (gruff, imposing…not huggable) man came out and said his name was Sacha and he would be our driver for the next 8 days. We were like no our driver is named Alexandr I’m getting so good at saying it in a Russian accent don’t take that away from me! (It was important that we got our right driver because we didn’t pay the (exorbitant) extra price for a guide but were promised an English-speaking driver who could generally do both jobs.) Sacha was not amused and was like, ‘yeah, Sacha, Alexandr, same thing’. Both of us said ohhh riiiiight because we forgot that Sacha is the diminutive/informal/cutesey nickname for Alexandr. I DON’T GET IT EITHER BUT IT’S TRUE. (I then sang the relevant part from “The Great Comet” in my head literally the entire rest of the day: “Countess Natalya Ilyinichna Rostova” “You must call me Natasha”…”Sofia Alexandrovna Rostova” “You must call me Sonia”.) So Mr. I-Won’t-Make-Small-Talk-Or-Be-Warm-And-Jovial-But-It’s-Just-Because-I’m-Like-So-Russian-Not-Because-I’m-Rude packed our stuff in his SUV, where he had a case of water bottles (amazing already), and drove us the far, far distance of…across the street. Our first stop was the Naryn Museum – not wasting any time, just gasoline.
The Naryn museum had this reproduction of a yurt’s dining area, which really looks like all the dining yurt setups at every camp we’d see in Kyrgs except the table settings in real life are gorgeous and abundant
The staff at the museum was HELLA excited for our arrival, and the main lady brought us around and described every item of Kyrgyz history and culture in that small museum in Russian, and had Sacha translate (roughly). The rest of the staff – wayyy too many ladies considering how small and not busy it was – followed us around and offered us bowls of traditional Kyrgyz things that we’d seen on the yurt dinner table (like, weird dried cheese bits, and those Chinese restaurant crunchy noodles which are everywhere). Our own little private awkward tour. It was really nice though, and I could tell it was a very nice museum even if I was too distracted by how much I wanted to tell the ladies ‘you don’t have to be on your best behavior for me!’
Naryn city center
After the tour, we went to the city center for an art museum that was managed by an 8-year-old boy who let us in and turned the lights on. Not weird. It was a good museum, actually, which is quite something considering how sick of museums I am. We went to a cafe for lunch after, and I had my first tomato-cucumber salad of many because of course that’s all I’m going to be able to eat in Central Asia; why should that tradition of my Asian travels ever have to end? I also had a plate of grilled vegetables, the other thing I would come to have pretty much every day for the next month. But hey, it’s veggies!
After lunch, we saw the Naryn mosque, which is covered with pretty blue tiles. It’s a very quick stop because you generally just look from the front and that’s that.
Then we went to the marketplace in Naryn. We thought we’d have to buy our food for the next few days, until the next market stop, as we did on the tour of Mongolia. But it wasn’t clear how long we had to account for and what sorts of things we needed to get; Sacha was like ‘you should get fruit’ (to me) and then kind of told Z he wouldn’t need anything, just whatever he wanted. So confusing! We bought some fruit and Sacha bought a watermelon, and then we figured out from him that that night’s yurt camp would provide our dinner. We didn’t figure out for a few days that ALL our yurt camps and lodging would account for our food (except the meals in restaurants and stuff obviously) in big communal meals so we didn’t actually have to worry about anything! Already so different!
Sacha bought a watermelon and I was sooo excited to see if Kyrgyz watermelon was as good as Xinjiang watermelon. Spoiler: It was. We began our first long drive of the week, towards Song Kul Lake, way up in the mountains at 3000+ meters (almost 10000 feet!). Yes, our first night at Tash Rabat was just slightly higher, but we drove down to get to Naryn and now had to go back up. I’m so into elevation now. Song Kul is right smack in the middle of Kyrgyzstan, so we were already covering some serious ground. Fun fact: Song Kul is covered in snow 200 days of the year, and the SUMMER average temperature is 50 degrees. FAHRENHEIT. Shit’s cold. First, we would stop at a beautiful waterfall on the way. We parked at a random spot halfway up a mountain and hiked to the waterfall and it was beautiful! I was so happy: we had broken up a long drive with a hike, and I had fruit. Already better than I feared.
THERE IT IS I SEE IT
After we saw the waterfall, Sacha cut the watermelon and kept giving us piece after piece. It was amazing, probably because all the aspects of this excursion included my favorite thing (water, get it). I was so giddy on Day 1 being so much better than the last Day 1 of a country tour that the next half of the drive to Song Kul was like a punch to the gut. Like, it really was, considering it was full of watermelon and the roads starting getting scary. They were really windy, winding up and up around the mountain like those cliffside terrors in Italy (I did not look out the window) and then they started getting Mongolian – as in, no roads, just rocky terrain. It was really rough for a few hours as we maneuvered over rocks as we went higher and higher up a mountain, so that was something else. Don’t look down! Finally we got to a clearing and got out so Sacha could show us the small hills that were ancient gravesites, the likes of which are all over the country. It was interesting but not as great as the fact that the field was covered in edelweiss, and when Sacha informed us of this fact, he started singing “Edelweiss” to himself for like, a long time. Maybe we will get along, Gruff Russian, maybe we will become best friends indeed.
winding mountain roads
SUPER winding mountain roads
No roads, yes animals
Finally we got to our camp on Song Kul, although it wasn’t so much ‘on’ or ‘near’ Song Kul as it was ‘closer to that lake than any other lake in the world’. You couldn’t see it from the camp but we got a picture from the drive. The camp was pretty decent otherwise – there are REAL TOILETS in little wooden shacks! And there’s a sink – not a bucket sink, but a real sink piping out freezing cold water. The wooden toilet shack is actually two toilet stalls and two ‘shower’ stalls, which have basins and buckets of various sizes for doing bathing via buckets but hey if it works! Luxury!
Dinner was mix of the same vegetables as always now, plus a plate of kasha and rice. I was super pumped to get kasha; it’s actually a good protein source. It was an awkward as ass dinner though, because it was communal, as all future ones would be, and they tell you where to sit, and I was seated in the very center of a semi-circle. Z wasn’t feeling well so skipped it, so here I was in the middle of 30 some people just being weird and awkward and silent. The two groups on either side of me were both big tour groups, so they were very talkative among themselves but also very curious about me and just staring like hey what’s your deal? To get to my position I had to step on everyone already seated (you sit on the floor in the yurts) because the table was around the edge of the yurt. I also left early because hell if I was going to sit and be stared at any longer than I needed to and so upon leaving I also stepped on 15 people. Fun times.
After dinner, I asked if I could shower – I hadn’t since China, remember. The yurt people boiled some water and brought it into the stall for me. So inside this wooden stall is a basin of the boiled water, a tub of cold water, and various buckets and utensils for mixing the two and pouring over yourself. So, maybe in my eagerness to be ‘clean’ I didn’t think this through all the way. See, it was freezing outside. Remember I said last night that it was the coldest I’d ever been? Well, now let’s travel into an even colder region and then VOLUNTARILY BE WET. I was shaking-shivering even before I poured the water over myself the first time. I tried to shave my legs but they were so be-goosebumped that it was extremely painful and I couldn’t do it, it would have just resulted in the little bumps bleeding. I knowww! I used mostly boiling water and just didn’t stop shivering. The sink was outside the stalls, in the freezing wind, so I had to use that when I was done to brush my teeth and stuff. I have never been that cold in my life. As soon as I could, I ran back the 220 paces to our yurt (that’s right, the toilets were better here but farther! 220 paces!!) and flopped on my mattress with literally 15 blankets and quilts over me. We were luckily in what appeared to be a storage yurt, so the sides were filled with stacks of extra mattress pads, quilts, and blankets. I used everything I could carry. Getting in and out of that contraption for my nighttime peeing (right outside the yurt that’s right) required all my strength to lift it off of me, it was so hilarious, like a reverse princess and the pea. I could make another pee joke with that but I won’t. Anyway it barely worked. See, blankets and stuff keep warmth in, but they don’t generate warmth; you have to do that yourself with your body. So if one’s body, say, refuses to generate any heat to begin with, you’re just a cold fool under 4 mattress pads, 9 blankets, and 6 quilts. I shook all night. Man alive.
Day 2
“Into the woods and who can tell what’s waiting on the journey”
The next morning, I was in no mood. The car was locked and I was out of water, and the yurt owner people didn’t have any, and Sacha was nowhere to be found. Finally one of his guide friends told us he was still sleeping. LUCKY HIM. I was so tired and thirsty and miserableh. Someone got Sacha and he opened the car and I drank 2 liters right there in front of him. So, why were we up and he wasn’t? Well, today, Day 2, we would hike 10 kilometers (pretty long!) to our next yurt camp with a local Kyrgyz guide, giving Sacha the day off, plus most of tomorrow off while we did another long hike with the local guide to the next-next camp, where Sacha would be waiting. There were no roads or paths or anything so navigating around the mountains required local expertise, from someone born in this area. The local guide didn’t speak English, which really pissed me off at NoviNomad because they never told us this part. Luckily he spoke Russian (everyone does here) so we personally were fine but no one at NoviNomad knew that we knew any Russian (they don’t know that we know they know we know!) so they were okay with their tourists just not being able to communicate? FIE.
Luckily there was a dog.
The yurt people had him tied up (cryface) but I was told it’s because he’s a baby and there’s like not a fence or any sort of boundary because we are just out in the open so it’s until he learns not to run away? I wanted to take him. Oh but wait till tonight’s camp!
So we left our Song Kul yurt camp (bye toilets) and began our 10K trek to our next yurt camp in the jailoo of Kelemche. Jailoo is the name of the type of landscape, these sprawling summer pastures in the mountains that are used for cattle and all kinds of pasture activities, I don’t know. I know you’re probably like 10 kilometers is nothing hush your face, but it was mostly uphill! Ahhh! But it was pretty. OH so, this was supposed to be a horse trek to Kelemche jailoo, following by another even longer horse trek tomorrow from Kelemche to Kyzart village, our next destination. But after Mongolia we emailed NoviNomad and we were like NOPE CUT THE HORSES NO MORE HORSE RIDING WE WILL JUST WALK XOXO gossip girl. Luckily the very helpful Madina, who helped us plan everything, said that it was doable by foot, even though she didn’t really understand why we were so vehemently anti-horse riding all of a sudden. (Horse riding sucks.)
Our local guide was named Melis, I’m definitely not spelling it right but it sounded like that. He was pretty great except he was clearly amused by how slow we were compared to him. We didn’t grow up climbing these mountains like you did, MELIS! He rode a horse because he had no problem with them and put our day packs and water in the saddle bags (sorry horsie I’ll drink fast). And we just trudged behind him. Kind of hilarious.
Hiking uphill, the whole first half of the trek, was really difficult at this altitude, which made it harder than it would have been otherwise. At a particularly pretty stretch, we stopped for a picnic that Melis had packed us. It was nice but so funny: whole cucumbers, whole tomatoes, and boiled potatoes, plus bread and fruit. If I didn’t hate raw tomatoes beforehand, having to bite into them like handfruit (THEY’RE NOT FRUIT FOR HUMAN PURPOSES) did the trick. The nectarines and peaches he brought were superb. What is it about the fruit in this region! I’ve never really noticed a difference, even in tropical places, with quality of fruit before. While we ate, we saw our first other hikers of the entire day! We had seen a decent amount of horseback riders (not a ton – we were still in the middle of Kyrgyzstan – but a decent amount taking that into consideration) but here were our first fellow walkers. They were trudging with even more difficulty than we were, so I joked to Melis, “See we are not the slowest people out here!” Melis responded, “but they have their packs on.” Duuuuuude you’re not supposed to burn your clients like that! Gonna pretend the Russian was something else and I misunderstood.
i was planning to pee behind this rock but then this horseback tourist decided to sit on it for some deep thinking ughhhh white boys
i fucking hate this hat why does it refuse to reform into ANY other shape that doesn’t make me look like a cartoon rancher. ps i’m wearing like 4 shirts
The second half was slightly downhill, which was easier on the lungs but harder for me. Why? Because the path was all tiny little pebbles and rocks, and for some reason (seriously if anyone knows please tell me), whenever I step on little pebbles and rocks, I skid. Badly! I despise gravel paths! No matter how I walk or what shoes I wear or how I balance or how much I brace my core, I skid on all gravelly paths. It’s RIDICULOUS. I nearly fell every few steps and Z was like SERIOUSLY WHAT IS HAPPENING? Am I missing something very obvious about how to walk on these things? Did I fake illness that day in Necessary Human Skills school? Damn my love of sleep!
We got to our next camp a little after noon. It was, how do you say, ah yes, not nice. It was actually probably the most dilapidated and whack camp yet. We had nothing to do the rest of the day, no activities or anything, so I spent a lot of time taking inventory of our yurt. There were holes in the shelter covered over with clear plastic bags. There were ants everywhere because there wasn’t a real floor covering, just a bit of carpet but then mostly grass. A weird, heavy anchor swung down from the center hole, I’m sure to keep it standing but we’d never seen that in any of the previous yurts. It was a small yurt and the mattresses on the floor were positioned right around the anchor so I hit it A LOT, and it was f-ing heavy. Like, an anchor.
So I was complaining a lot about how gross this camp was, and Z got quiet and said, “Hey…were you a Girl Scout?” Um have we met? Hell no I wasn’t a Girl Scout, I wasn’t even a Brownie! I just went to all the Disney on Ice shows with the Brownie troop because I was friends with the leader’s kid! I have such great Disney souvenir cups from my Icees. Anyway, so no, not a Girl Scout. He then asked, “Wait, have you ever camped before?” Again, nice to meet you! No I haven’t camped, like in tents and stuff? With the ELEMENTS? f that noise! I never even had to go on the obligatory one-night-in-the-woods camping trip at overnight camp! Z got even quieter and then said, “I wish I knew that before this trip.”
Apparently the picnic wasn’t our actual lunch, because soon we were called to lunch in the food yurt with the family who lived there and a bunch of random shepherds. It was AWK. They were all speaking Kyrgyz to each other and we just kinda sat there. The food was good, some kind of yummy cabbage and potato filled crepe-y thing. I liked that everyone was given the same meal, like because of my veganism I made everyone skip meat for a meal. Yay! I think I heard them say that I eat a lot of watermelon though.
I was excited that the outhouse area, despite being up THE STEEPEST HILL EVER, had a real toilet inside. Unfortunately, the toilet was broken, so we were to use the regular out shithouse farther up the steep af hill. This hellshack was tied for first with worst campsite toilet I’d ever seen, so THAT wasn’t great! Luckily our yurt was at the end of the camp so I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me out there. Except a cow and a few dogs at night who were REALLY unhappy that I was in their space. Dudes.
But it was all okay, because my little Bearnutfriend was there.
DO YOU SEE THE ABSOLUTE BEAR NUTTERY OF THIS LITTLE BOY BEAR BUTTER??? OH MY GOD!!! I played with him the rest of the night. Little guy omg! One of the other tourists tied him up (MEAN!) because he was a biter – and I mean a real biter. He had little baby butter teeth so it didn’t really hurt but he didn’t really stop DID you you little nutter butter bear baby you! I LOVED HIM. I really wanted to take him home, so badly. But the little kids who lived there took good care of him.
Here I am saying, “Little bear baby! I thought we talked about biting! No biting silly button butter! We talked about this!”
And then here I am saying, “Oh I can’t stay mad at you little boopily bear baby you’re too cute here’s my hand again you can bite it”
Of course I untied this little bugger. And of course then he started biting my ankles, right through my HeatTech leggings (which don’t work anyway UNIQLO).
Near the camp was a natural spring that we could fill our water bottles with! We were really hesitant about whether it was actually safe to drink; Melis said it was but our soft Western tumnuses require different levels of safety than hardier folk. But despite actually seeing horses drinking from the same place, we did not get sick! Yippee! The water poured out superfast from a little spot above a creek and it was a fun adventure to try to fill the jugs without falling in the creek.
Dinner was another communal affair but with a more friendly tourist group tonight, a group of Swiss and Israelis. The Swiss girl closest to us who we chatted with called Israelis ‘Israelian’. LOVES IT! Dinner for me was the vegetable filling from lunch, plus – you know it – a cucumber-tomato salad. Do we ever expect anything different? I love the traditional Kyrgyz table setting, though. They have all been so lovely, with baskets of bread, baskets of the Chinese noodle jawns, plates of the Chinese noodle jawns but fried in sugar, bowls of apples, bowls of wrapped candies, plates upon plates of melons, and fancy little glass containers filled with assorted jams for tea (or bread, I guess, but I definitely became a convert to the whole putting-jam-in-your-tea thing. Well, I hate tea, but when I was forced to drink it. We’ll get there).
Guess what! I actually slept that night! It was still freezing, but we had a fire, and because the yurt was smaller than our storage yurt the night before, the fire actually heated the little space. Also we were like 1000 meters lower now. The stars were GLORIOUS. Not as incredible as that one night in Mongolia on the lake was, but still the second best I’ve ever seen. I noticed that every night I pee while looking at Orion’s belt; I’m just always oriented that way. WEIRD. Z told me I talk about peeing too much. Lol gurl please. I share literally every detail of what we do (mostly for me when my memory goes) and I just happen to spend most of my time peeing. You’d rather NOT read about a person’s bodily functions? HA!
Part 2 soon!
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Beijing, China: Big Buildings, Great Sights, Pushy People, & Crowds
After the endless dilapidation of Mongolia, the modernity and familiarity of a big city like Beijing was a breath of fresh air. Well, a breath of air. Walking around the smog with giant smiles on our faces, we have never been so happy to see Starbucks, H&M, heck they even had a Uniqlo! There were SKYSCRAPERS! THERE WERE SIDEWALKS! The cars were driving on paved roads! With painted lines on them for following traffic! No one followed the lines or any semblance of traffic laws but still, they were there! We were so happy to be in an established city, you cannot believe. Every time we saw stairs that weren’t falling apart, we smiled. Sure, for some reason the stairs all over the city are only 3 inches in height (what’s going on there) and we have to take them at least 2 at a time to make any progress and going down two steps at a time is suuuuuperrrr awkward, but hey, it’s A CITY!
EVEN MORE SALE?? well by gum!
There was so much to see and do, but our first day we decided to leisurely explore and eat and try to take it easy while we could, with four packed sightseeing days and months of hectic travel still to come. We had an amazing lunch (separate post natch!), stocked up at the vegetarian shop (will be in the food post), and checked out Tiananmen Square, the thing we had to do our first day.
HELLO MR WOBOT I WUV YOU WOBOT
So many people but because the square is so big it’s probably the least dense crowd anywhere in China!
Damn that place is big! And crowded! And very impressive. It’s the world’s largest public square, three times bigger than Red Square, and speaking of Moscow, I haven’t seen such a police presence since our time in that city. All around Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City environs, it’s all police barricades, all the time. The lines can stretch for enormous city blocks, and you have to go down stairs and through underground tunnels and back up only to be in another line for security and metal detector checks, then back in a line to cross the street underground then MORE labyrinthine underground tunnels to try to find the part of the square you actually want to be in. It is not easy to get around, and you cannot bet on being somewhere at a certain time because the path that makes sense to get there will not be available. The heavy police control of the area put the Moscow barricading shenanigans to shame.
We arrived that first time in the evening, and there was a huge crowd of people waiting around waiting for something. We were excited – what had we chanced upon? We found European lookers who we guessed would speak English, and they said that just every sunset there is a flag-lowering ceremony, and same for raising at sunrise. Dude. Y’all need better activities. We did not wait around for that.
The north side of the square is marked by the huge portrait of Mao, at the Gate of Heavenly Peace. The Chinese really know how to give epic names.
The north side of the square is marked by the huge portrait of Mao, at the Gate of Heavenly Peace. The Chinese really know how to give epic names.
The square seems to go on forever, with a few important buildings on the sides but nothing really in the middle except billions of people. Most striking to us was our first glimpse into the government’s close monitoring of its people: there are loads of security cameras everywhere, mounted on every pole, everywhere you look.
We went back to the square another day for an epic day of sightseeing. We had SUCH a schedule: Get up super early to see Mao’s tomb (another embalmed corpse to add to our list this summer!) (opens at 7:30am), explore the Forbidden City for the first half of the day into the afternoon, and then visit the Temple of Heaven in the afternoon. It would be a lot, but there’s a lot to see here! Our plans to get to Mao early and done with were thwarted by several things. First, the police barricading was off the charts. We walked for a good 30 minutes past where we wanted to go because we just couldn’t get into that section. It was ridiculous. When we finally got to Mao’s tomb, we were concerned at the lack of visible queueing, considering everything we read said that the lines would be super long. There was a single guard outside his tomb, and a few straggler tourists looking in like ‘hey why can’t we go in?’ But yeah, we couldn’t go in. We googled. Mao’s tomb has been closed for months for renovations or new embalming time or some such nonsense and won’t open till the fall! Nooo! Our most important corpse of the summer! Lucky Z saw the shiny body when he was here for the Olympics, but now I’ll have to come back. Or, ya know, I’m okay. I have seen a lot of shiny corpses lately. Just a disappointment not to add the big kahuna to my list.
MAO I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE LET ME IN
Anyway, we then made our way to the Forbidden City, along with all of China’s billion+ people. Hot damn, I don’t think I’ve ever been in such an enormous crowd for so long. It was the most crowded place ever, so big and endless a site but teeming with people in every corner, at every turn. I figured, jeez but at least this is like, the MOST crowded and important tourist attraction in the biggest most populated city in China, so it can only get better from here. HAHA but Beijing isn’t the biggest city! I made an ass out of you and me! Shanghai has almost like 9 million more people! AND SHANGHAI ISN’T EVEN THE BIGGEST! This country is enormous! Even little cities we’ve never heard of have more people than NYC! ahhhhhh. So yes, the Forbidden City is amazing and important to see, but dayum, take your Ativan, because PEOPLE BE PUSHING.
when it started raining people hid under cover like they were gonna melt
Not just the name of a Chinese restaurant we used to get takeout from in the Illadelph, Forbidden City is a palace complex that was home to two imperial dynasties until the last Qing emperor. So not a city, but as big as a city. They’re trying to get away from that whole ‘wait is it a city no definitely not a city but sort of’ name by calling it the Palace Museum but that sounds super lame compared to the imposing connotation of the real name. Now it is full of ancient gates and buildings used as museums now, for imperial jewels and art and clocks and stuff. The gates and the buildings from the outside are the most impressive, but it goes on and on forever. FOREVER. It’s hot in the summer and sticky, and even though it rained for a bit when we were there it was still so gross. And people touch your arms because there’s no room even though it is CITY-SIZED and there’s no worse feeling than strange sweaty arm touching your sweaty arm and brb I have to go vomit.
First stop in the palace grounds was the pottery museum, because the BOOK SAID SO. It was fine, I mean pottery is not thrilling, but the ceiling in that building was awesome. Yes I liked the ceiling best.
Then we started making our way through the famous gates. The best part is that I got to act like Mulan and take a picture in front of the steps of where she flies in at the end and like saves the emperor or whatever I forget the plot but I know the music is great.
Then we started making our way through the famous gates. The best part is that I got to act like Mulan and take a picture in front of the steps of where she flies in at the end and like saves the emperor or whatever I forget the plot but I know the music is great.
So oh, backtrack, because if I try to move pictures around it’ll crash because getting on the internet here in China is precarious like a perch. Upon arrival at the Forbidden City, you get in a super long line to buy tickets. Suuuper long. We waited at least a half hour. It doesn’t include everything in the grounds – as always, you have to pay extra for some exhibits like the Clock Tower and the Treasury. Boo. Right before entering the ticket area, there’s a big toilet. No one does public toilets like the Chinese! Right outside, we chanced upon this water show, like a baby-Bellagio.
You enter the Meridian Gate, and you take pictures with a billion Chinese people in them. Then you go through a temple, see a throne room, then go through another gate, then another temple, then another gate, all separated by big plazas and millions of people and it takes forever and you are literally like 1% through the enormous grounds.
The best part of the Forbidden City is the Imperial Garden, which is likely the last part of your visit so make sure you leave time for it. I wish we had gone faster through the endless gate and temple part to spend more time in the gardens, but it was all super crowded anyway. Literally all my garden photos look like just group shots of Chinese people, so this is my attempt at photographing the northern sections with as few people as possible:
garden
I went IN THE DEPTHS OF CROWD to get this picture. It was so sweaty so many sweaty arms omg omgomg
I think we didn’t even see all of it, because it’s kind of a maze of 7000 square meters of beauty and 7000 million other visitors. It’s lovely though.
Nine Snakes Wall or something
The best thing about the Forbidden city, besides of course seeing all these important sights, is that they have a good number of well-signed toilets. Harder to find but just as important is the restaurant, which does bento-style (is it wrong to use that word to describe Chinese food) meals and has a mushroom-based vegetarian option. I’m including it here and not on the food post because we are talking about the Forbidden City and it just makes sense.
This was actually really good and not just because I was very hungry! It was 46 RMB (like $7) which is great considering it was the one restaurant in the entire grounds and they could have seriously overcharged. There are several snack stands and cafes with little boxed burgers and other nonsense, so the restaurant is worth finidng. Bring a lot of water and snacks though, especially in the summer because it will be hot and sweaty. You’ll be able to buy water here and there but it’s expensive, and I saw mostly just little tiny 16 oz. bottles which is a joke, those are good for one sip.
The Forbidden City is a must do, of course, but is kind of stressful so be sure you are in the right mindset for it. Like don’t go to a museum beforehand or anything completely foolish like that. It did seem less crowded when we left around 3 or 4pm ish, but considering we arrived at like 10am, you don’t want to risk not having enough time if you arrive late. Go, get it over with, get good pictures of famous sights and a million strangers, and then move on to the more enjoyable places.
Like the Temple of Heaven.
We went to the Temple of Heaven immediately after our super long Forbidden City day because we are masochists. The beautiful, relatively calm park features wide open but manicured spaces and several important buildings to visit inside. You need to get the more expensive ticket option in order to enter the important buildings, most especially the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests, which is a gorgeous blue building that, I’ma guess, was for praying for good harvests.
So beautiful, right? This is a 19th century reproduction of the building that was originally built in 1420 – it was destroyed in the 1800s by a LIGHTNING BOLT! What are the odds.
The Imperial Vault of Heaven is another of the inside sights to see. It was for the early gymnastics teams to practice their vaults, I assume.
I’m sorry if this pic is actually not the vault place it’s hard to remember so many things when I have so many song lyrics in my memory spaces
The Echo Wall is apparently able to carry a whisper from one side to the other, so you could communicate with someone far away, and the book says that it’s hard to find a time when the crowd won’t inhibit your efforts to do so, but what really inhibited us was the complete lack of signage about where these supposed whisper spots were located. FOR SHAME. Whatever. You know how else I can hear Z? By standing next to him.
The Echo Wall is apparently able to carry a whisper from one side to the other, so you could communicate with someone far away, and the book says that it’s hard to find a time when the crowd won’t inhibit your efforts to do so, but what really inhibited us was the complete lack of signage about where these supposed whisper spots were located. FOR SHAME. Whatever. You know how else I can hear Z? By standing next to him.
There’s also a place called the Animal Killing Pavilion which like, yes I’m sure that’s an accurate name but COME THE F ON, BRIDGET. Aside from that, the Temple of Heaven was a lovely park. I wish there were more toilets – it was hard to find one inside the park and I almost pulled a Mongolia behind a tree. But it’s definitely a must visit.
Another day, we did some temple-viewing: first, the Lama Temple and then the Confucius Temple & Imperial College. It’s so interesting how similar they are in terms of architecture and structure and design, except the former is the typical kind brimming with piles of money and fruit given in devotion, and the latter has none of that. I like Confucius’s style. It bothers me so much to see poor people put their money and food in front of a golden statue. It’s SO weird. Like, use that to feed yourself. Religion is such a scam. But at least these temples are beautiful.
i can’t smile because my hat is so messed up
The Lama Temple is apparently the most renowned Tibetan Buddhist temple that is not in Tibet, which is a big deal. The guide book says it’s “a glittering attraction in Beijing’s Buddhist firmament,” which cracks me up because that’s like almost exactly what Lina Lamont says in her interview and I keep hearing it in her voice and getting the giggles. The temples are imposing and gorgeous, and the statues aren’t boring even though by now we’ve seen many iterations on the same theme.
New here though, and common throughout China we would find, is that they give you incense to burn at designated fire pits, essentially, to assist in your prayer. Even though I hate incense, smoke, and perfumey smells of all kinds, I participated because I got to burn things for free. There really are fire stations all over these temples, with big open flames with tons of people just pushing each other trying to get their sticks into the fire. It is dangerous. We got ours enflamed and then were like, so now what do we do. We looked around for guidance and realized that all these people were in fact Buddhists and were bowing to the statues with their incense smoke being offered to their deities. We were like oh maybe we just stand back.
They gave us packs of 10 sticks but the signs said only to burn 3 and we didn’t want to offend the gods so we have partially full incense packs from Lama Temple as our very first souvenir of this entire summer. What are the odds they actually make it back to London?
daaaaaaaamn what this bitch’s problem!
During our time in Mongolia and in Southeast Asia, we learned enough about Buddhism and the various players that we are now able to recognize symbolism in the statues and be like oh is that Green Tara or is that the other guy? Pretty interesting and confusing. I’m reminded here of the yoga retreat/cult compound I went to in California where the elders told me that their esteemed yoga Founder was both Jesus and Buddha in a previous life. Cool. Cool cool cool cool.
Just down the street from Lama Temple is Confucius Temple & Imperial College, so make a big morning or afternoon of seeing both of these sites plus all the neighborhood’s many hutongs (narrow alleyways with historic courtyard homes set back from the busyness of the city; the books make a bigger deal about these hutongs than they’re worth, like, you’ll see them just being out in the city and they’re fine but not like ‘do a whole hutong walking tour!’ levels of importance). The Confucian Temple’s tranquility was undeniable, with pavilions and important old trees and, of course, the statue of the big guy himself.
YO FYOOOOSH WHAT’S THE HAAAAPS
It’s nice just to walk around the outside grounds (I wasn’t really into the museum-y parts lining the perimeter, they are boring) and enjoy the moat and bridges around the main temples.
I love a good moat
On the same grounds is the Imperial College, not to be confused with the one that spawned many a great University Challenge team, but the one built by the grandson of Kublai Khan in 1306. It was once the most important and highest regarded academic college, for three dynasties.
it totally still feels like a college!
Am I just drinking the Kool Aid or does Confucianism seem totally reasonable? I think I need to learn more about it, but the choice quotes they had reprinted in English along the grounds were hard to argue with. Stuff like be kind and don’t be a daft prick and stuff like that. On board.
Honestly, the best part about Beijing – besides being in a real city with real city perks – is that it put all the amazing English tee shirts and stuff we’ve seen in Russia and Mongolia to shame. Of course the stuff we see in China is going to be soo much better, it’s all made here. And I don’t feel super bad about pointing out how dumb it all is because western people trying to use Chinese characters (or any character-based language) is 100x worse. This is mostly adorable. Every time, we want to be like, do you know what your shirt says?! From 90-year-old men wearing shirts that say “Parental Advisory: Explicit Content” to young men wearing shirts saying “The Future Looked Bright” to girls wearing “Dream of Hope and Tomorrow is Yes” sweatshirts, it’s an endless and amazing onslaught of bad English.
does it say anything ABOVE plagiarism???!!! I hope not
THAT’S NOT VERY NICE
I guess that’s close enough
As such, the signage around the city (and country) is flipping awesome too.
looks like someone just saw the movie with Sarah Marshall where the cell phone KILLS PEOPLEEEEE
I don’t know what this means
WAIT WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE – PEEING IN THE POOL IS YOU ARE THE BEST???
The above toilet sign is obviously my Life Credo
just super impressed that they got this verb tense right but then spelled around wrong, SO CLOSE
And of course, those of you on my facebook have seen this incredible one:
We also loved these people taking a photoshoot of their baby right on the street:
The least best thing about Beijing is realizing how rough it will be for us throughout China coming from the UK, Land of Proper Queueing. Chinese people DO NOT QUEUE. We’d be waiting in line for something, anything – the subway’s security check (every metro station begins with a bag x-ray), a toilet, tickets for a tourist attraction, checkout at the grocery store – and without fail at least two people will just cut right in front of us when we get to the front. And I don’t think it’s out of rudeness – they really just do not recognize that as wrong. It’s very much dog eat dog (I won’t make the obvious dumb joke), everyone looking out for himself, and discourteous behavior is not good or bad, it’s just part of the culture. It’s annoying in crowded places like on the subway – you know how if someone is trying to pass, you’ll scooch up a little to let them pass, fully intending to reclaim your space after they pass and not remaining on your tiptoes with no center of gravity? Yeah here, someone will take that little bit of space you scooched for before you can put your heels down. It’s annoying. The subways really are sooo crowded. And despite being such an international city, everyone stared at us for being white. It is not fun, and I imagine it is going to get super old super fast, and only will worsen as we go into the not-so-touristed bits.
You know what else is super hard wrap my head around? Everyone burps and farts, and LOUD. It’s insane. We knew about all the spitting – we didn’t realize just how prevalent it was, but we knew people would hack up a lung and spit it on the street. (I didn’t expect young beautiful women to do it, which was sexist of me, because I quickly learned they are gross champs at it. It’s kind of hilarious.) (Is it because of the pollution? It’s more forgivable if so.) But we did not know about the farting. It is unmistakable – in restaurants, cafes, museums, trains, we keep hearing like a sound effects version of a fart and realize it’s coming from a nearby person and then another and another. SO GROSS.
HOTEL
We stayed at one of the 161 Wanfujing Hotel chain outlets, right down the street from the nicer Courtyard version of the hotel. It was fine, more like a hostel than a hotel, or at least a budget hotel, but with our own bathroom. The bed and bathroom were clean at least, if the room at large just…wasn’t, and the lobby area was nice. They had a mezzanine seating area that the sign said was open till 11pm (the wifi was better there; awful in the rooms) but every night a girl would kick us out at 10pm and say ‘just tonight is special closing time’ or some nonsense that by the 3rd or 4th time I just refused to leave until 11pm. The only trouble with the hotel is that there’s a tourist service desk in the lobby, a separate company’s representative, but still, in the lobby, and the guy selling the tours is a big bag o’ dicks. We got our Great Wall tour through him (so did everyone in the hotel and all surrounding hotels and hostels, apparently, it was just for the most popular big bus trips there) and it was different from what he sold us in terms of size and vehicle and other details. When we confronted him after the fact, he asked if we had a recording of him to prove that he lied. F-ing hell I wish I punched him in the throat but I can’t get arrested here. Luckily it wasn’t that big a deal, we still had an amazing time on the Wall, but to be confronted with a level of customer service that makes London’s look good is astonishing.
Aside from Prickadick McGee, we really enjoyed our time in Beijing and would happily go back. On the corner of the main street leading to our hotel was a supermarket (yay cheap water!), and every night there would be a group of old ladies dancing on the corner in a choreographed dance. It was amazing. We wondered how they learned it, but then one night we saw the instructor calling out moves, presumably teaching a new dance. Was so fun. I love old lady public group dancing.
GOALS
The food was amazing (next post), as was the Great Wall, which warrants its own separate post too. No matter what you think it’ll be like, it will still surprise you with how spectacular it is. I would love to go back to see another section of it. As a city, Beijing was exactly what we needed at this time, and was a great welcome back to civilization. Getting anywhere was a bit intense, just because there were so many people, but honestly after our time in sparse Mongolia, a huge number of people in a big city was kind of refreshing. More like home! Obviously, we got sick of the unfathomable crowds quickly (1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese now? that’s more than are Penn State graduates!) but for our first stop of 5+ weeks in China, Beijing was everything we could have asked for.
if you look closely, you should see why Panama should be pissed
Madeira, Portugal: Lovely Little Island Paradise (for Oldies and Old-Adjacents)
Not just a fortified wine! The small island of Madeira, off the southwest coast of Portugal, is a popular resort-holiday spot for European vacationers, and for dern good reason. One of two autonomous regions of Portugal, Madeira is gorgeous, relaxing, and manageable enough to see in a short visit. Quiet but not boring, the best thing to do there is enjoy the scenery and the vibe, not run to check off a list of museums and sights that tourists must *absolutely* do like in many places, so you are free to enjoy your time in a stress-free and carefree manner. Because it’s one of the most popular cruise ship ports, it’s hella filled with white-haired people at all times. Also, the resorts tend to cater to families more than young adults, but happily that means nightlife is not the focus (i.e. you don’t hear awful house music emanating from clubs when you are in bed at 10pm). My kind of place!
The largest city on Madeira is Funchal, and we spent our whole time exploring this great city. If you like to hike and climb mountains and be cold and stuff, the hills outside the city might be cute for you, but Funchal was a perfect base to learn about the culture and people of Madeira (and to swim in an indoor pool (honestly my fave)). Although the weather in Funchal is pretty much always pleasant, it doesn’t get very hot (especially in December, when we were there). But that’s fine because, despite being an island, it’s not a beach town. Madeira was formed of volcanic eruptions and so is rocky and volcanoey, without the sandy beaches you might be thinking of when you hear ‘island paradise’. Kind of like the pretty side of Santorini. Unless you’re visiting via cruise ship (and so more aware of the ocean aspect), it’s best to think of Funchal as a lovely, pleasant European town that just happens to be an island closest to Africa.
Like all lovely and pleasant European towns, Funchal is best introduced through a stroll. We walked around with no particular aim on our first day and found beautiful city gardens open to the public, lots of fountains and statues (and stories!), and lots of cruise passengers. Walking in view of the marina (but not super close to it; marinas tend to be more industrial looking close-up) and thus the ocean was beautiful and instantly transporting. I love getting to know a city through aimless strolling, and Funchal is one of the best for that.
oh this piece of shit
In our strolling, we chanced upon various Christmas markets, which European towns hella love having. I guess saying we ‘chanced’ upon it is kind of misleading because it was almost Christmastime so it should have been hundo p expected at every step of the way. If we didn’t see one it would have been weird. There were long parts of main streets overtaken by street vendors (mostly with alcohol) as well as kid-friendly areas repping that north pole spirit.
When I said before that most of the street offerings were alcoholic, I bet you thought of Madeira wine. And while that was everywhere, the real star of the market stalls was ginjinha, a traditional Portuguese liquor made from ginja (sour cherry) berries. We became acquainted with ginjinha during our first trip to mainland Portugal, where we saw little shops selling the stuff on every block and saw Portoguesers line up outside to drink it in little shots. It’s a potent sumbitch, and trying it once what, 8 years ago? would be enough for me, especially considering that might have been the last time I had alcohol, but these vendors were Christmassing it up by serving it in little chocolate cups. After one vendor confirmed that the chococups were dairy-free, I had to get one.
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you can see I tried to just eat the chocolate but then realized that wasn’t going to work |
The ginja (for short) wasn’t my favorite match for a little cup of chocolate (that would be peanut butter) but it was nice to get chocolate and an experience in one go.
The festive spirit spread all over town, with amusement parks popping up in the center and art installations or what have you, I’m not really sure what to call it but there were THINGS and we walked INTO THEM like this cool jawn:
so pretty right but what to call it? an inside out xmas tree? cool cool cool
Although strolling and chilling are great, we did have a list of things to do and see in Funchal. First up was the Madeira Botanical Garden. It’s open to the public now but was previously part of an estate belonging to William Reid, the founder of Funchal’s premiere hotel, Reid’s Palace, which you can stay in if you are Jeff Bezos I guess. (#billionairesareinherentlyimmoralandshouldntexist) It’s fancy and expensive like a real lot, is what I’m saying. Anyway the Botanical Garden, or in Portuguese the Jardim Botanico da Madeira (much better if only because I love the word ‘jardim’ for garden a) it sounds prettier and b) it sounds like what happens when my mom tries to say Javier Bardem too quickly) is a great place to explore on a sunny afternoon. Funchal, and Madeira in general, has an exorbitant number of beautiful gardens to visit, and this one features mainly non-flower specimens like trees and succulents, which sound delicious.
little lizard friend!
all of Eleanor’s files
While it’s cool to be on Madeira but have it look like you’re in Arizona, the Javier Bardem Botanico isn’t my top garden recommendation unless you really like cacti. No, the best garden in Funchal is my favorite place of the whole trip, the Baller Gardens. Oh that’s what I wrote in my notes. It’s apparently actually called the Jardim Tropical Monte Palace.
up in the treetops of the jungle area
Whereas the Jardim Botanico was reminiscent of a desert climate, the Tropical Monty will make you feel like you’re in every other part of the world, from Africa to China to the jungles of South America. It’s an enormous town unto itself, with exotic plants and extravagant design elements that make for an endless maze of mind-blowing views.
you bet i hopped across that !
This sign stands in front of an olive tree that the Romans planted in 300 BC! That’s super long ago! |
Hey super old tree! Did you know Cato (obvs I mean Cato the Elder) |
like a scene out of a GOTTAMN FAIRY TALE
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These pictures show maybe half the grounds. It goes on forever and I highly recommend leaving a whole afternoon to explore and relax. There’s even a whole museum of Zimbabwean sculptures on the grounds!
Both of the gardens I’ve shared are located to the east of the city center, and they’re both up Monte Funchal. And when they say Monte, they mean Monte, as in, the top of a mountain. All of Madeira is very, shall we say, bumpy, so you need to plan how you get to the outskirts of the city center. We took a local bus to the Jardim Botanico, and it was a harrowing journey. It’s bad enough when you’re trying to navigate those super narrow cliff-face roads going round and round and round and hoping no opposing traffic comes. It’s worse when you are doing this on a big public bus. Man alive!
Happily, we had a different plan for the Tropically Monty, as I call my new fave place. Funchal has a cable car, and it goes from the center directly to the grounds of the Tropical Monte Palace! We love a good cable car or funicular, but this one is EXTRA. Funchal’s teleferico, as its called, is one of the longest ones in the world, with a ride over the gorge of 15 minutes! It doesn’t sound like a whole lot but it feels like a whole lot when you are that high about mountain crevices. Luckily the views distracted me from the impending sense of doom.
We picked out a lot of ‘future houses’ on these rides up and down! How cool would it be to have a lovely little terracoota roofed home on the side of a cliff with NO NEIGHBORS MAKING NOISE sigh that’s the life.
At the top of the Monte Palace (Monty Hall?) there’s a cafe and fortunately the only thing I could make out was vegan is also the best thing: fried semolina wedges. It was the perfect little snack before all the gardening.
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why yes i DO have a bomb appetite |
Not everything was perfectly loverly though. We did a thing that seemed like The Thing To Do so we did it, but it was Not the Thing For Me. I’m talking about a whale-watching boat tour. The boat, the company, the accommodations all were great. But. Apparently I get seasick! I enjoyed the amazing views for about 20 minutes and then I spent the remaining hours bent over the side of the boat. SO GROSS. So not fun. At least I wasn’t the only one; we were dropping like flies. The worst part is that we didn’t see any whales! Booo-arf!
boats are monsters
my main view
But one unfortunate experience of the trip is still a pretty great ratio, and now I know that boat tours are my enemies. And we still have so much to talk about! Namely, lodging and, namelier, food! That’ll be the next post. Until then, my dear-a! DO YOU GET IT.
