The Train to Chengdu: THIS BETTER BE WORTH ITby Randi / August 22, 2017
I was so psyched for our four days in Chengdu. My excitement was 80% because of the pandas, 70% because Sichuan food is the best food in China (and beyond!), 50% because a big city promised to have lots of bubble tea, and 99% because we were staying in our fanciest hotel yet (how good am I at percentage totals) and after months of travel I am jonesing for some luxury (clean sheets, btw, is what I consider luxury now). Guess what suckers, it ALL delivered! And how! The bubble tea was everywhere, the food was amazing, the pandas were ADORBS, and the hotel was so best ever that I actually cried when we had to leave. I’m a mess of a dork. The only negative was that people/crowds/pushers/shovers are getting on our last nerve and it’s getting old and exhausting for us to deal with. But other than that Chengdu was a great time. Maybe because we spent most of the time in the hotel. Worth it.
When we arrived after the previous sleeper from hell, we took a subway from the station to the area of our hotel, the Fraser Suites. It was rough, with our bags, trying to fight for space on the crowded mess of a subway. Oh p.s., all the subways in China are identical. They were all built standard issue by the government or something because seriously, same same. It’s helpful for figuring out how to use them. Anyway, so we were sweaty and smelly and tired but we finally got to the Fraser Suites at 3pm. We were so excited to finally have customer service in China that was at least as good as it is in England (because England’s is bad, but China’s is worse). Nooope. Why would we ever think that would happen here! The staff said our room wasn’t ready, even though check-in was over an hour before we arrived. So, unacceptable. She said to wait 20 minutes or so and I said UNACCEPTABLE. No I just pointed out that we were past check-in and there’s no reason the room shouldn’t be ready and it’s a giant place and they must have another room ready and do you see how dirty I am I need to shower! Someone else overheard and was like jfc give these people a different room we have so many! So yay, we went up to an identical room, so they say, and it was gloooooorious. I almost don’t care that they acted like they didn’t know who I was (DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM) because this hotel room was the shizz. Actually, it’s more of an apartment. And I would be happy to live there. There was a big kitchen with all the appliances you’d need – oven, stove, full-sized fridge and freezer, and a freaking blender and food processor.
But they weren’t even the best part! Guys looooook:
I WUV YOU WOBOT
A LAUNDRY MACHINE! I could wash my things every day! I could wash twice a day! Who’s gonna stop me! We did indeed do laundry every day, after we washed literally everything in our packs. It was beautiful. It was an England-style combo washer-dryer in the same machine, which my fellow UK-dwellers will know don’t dry AT ALL. But guess what suckers, of course the Fraser Suites one actually dried and like a dreeeeam! I was so happy.
There were also so many closets that I unpacked literally everything and stored my empty bag in its own closet by the front door, along with our shoes lined up on a hidden rack below it. I mean. It’s like fancy Ikea with all the compartments.
giant hall closet bigger than any in any apartment i’ve had.
From the open plan kitchen you could view the big living room, with a big comfy couch that had the section on the end that you can lay down on (what’s that called), a big TV THAT GOT HBO, and a nice desk for baby laptop.
The bedroom was gorgeous and the pillows were maybe the best ever. Big fluffy pillows are my favorite and I fancy myself a connoisseur and I think these were the best. I am gonna cry again thinking about them. There was also a button by the bed that closed the thin curtains, and another button that closed the heavy blackout drapes across the giant window wall. I know. I thought that was just something they made up for Cameron Diaz’s house in The Holiday. There was also a big TV on the wall. HBO in bed.
On the way to the big clean bathroom was a big closet area with full closets on both sides of the walkway (where I unpacked all my shit), a safe, and two big robes hanging. Erma. And slippers! The bathroom had a big tub and a separate shower, a good sink area with a hairdryer and a light-up makeup mirror, soooo many drawers and cabinets (I also unpacked all my toiletries), good little hotel toiletries including, finally, body lotion (I’m out!), and…………a television in the tub. I didn’t take a picture of it because I didn’t want to spook it and have it disappear. Guys. I was never leaving. I mean I did leave and we did stuff but come one. It was heaven.
There was also one of the best hotel gyms ever. It wasn’t quite up to the Kempinski gym in Ulaan Baatar, because there they had water bottles fully stocked in a fridge and here they just had a big cooler of not cold water with plastic cups, but otherwise, it was wonderful. Oh man. Oh and guess what, there are gym bros in China too just like everywhere else that I have to yell at for being all gym bro-ey (like bringing bose speakers to play their music for the entire gym WHO DOES THAT.)
hi gym!
Attached to the gym was a separate ‘yoga room’. I know, this is getting ridiculous. There wasn’t a lot of floor space in the main gym (so many machines!) so I brought what I needed into the yoga room often and had it to myself. It was amazing.
Down the hall on this floor were separate men’s and women’s locker rooms. Inside the locker rooms were the usual lockers, toilets, sinks, showers (with shampoo and hairdryers omg), but then around the bend was, I shit you not, a hot dip pool, a cool dip pool, a dry sauna AND a steam room. I mean I guess the only drawback was that Z and I couldn’t do the sauna-steam-hot tub-cold tub-repeat-repeat-repeat together but we barely cared. This was ridiculous. You operated the sauna and steam yourselves and each time I used it I was the only one in there. So I made it really hot and they quickly regretted it. Do it on the normal temperature.
After the sauna area of both locker rooms, there are doors to the big swimming pool. It was a very nice pool, but the lifeguard makes everyone wear swim caps which is gross because ew sharing hair things and ALSO I have more hair and a giant head compared to Chinese people and it was so uncomfortable. Did I care that much? No, have you heard about this hotel?! It’s AMAZING. The ceiling of it was set up like a starry night – not Starry Night, but a night sky full of stars that ACTUALLY TWINKLED.
Photo taken from the Fraser Suites official website
One day we were exploring a different communal floor and found a billiards room, a ping pong table, and the funniest thing ever, a giant room just filled with massage chairs. They were pretty old models but still we spent at least an hour trying all the settings. It was so f-ing hilarious. Who just has a random room full of massage chairs.
I know I am talking so g-d much about this hotel and I know it is ridiculous. But compare this to most of where we’ve been sleeping all summer! I’ve never stayed quite in a place like this (and it was under $100 a night! That’s amazing for what it is). To make everything even more amazing, one afternoon my favorite movie ever, “You’ve Got Mail”, was on HBO. I did not go outside that day. Oh no I did – there was a mall across the street with a Carrefour grocery store and several bubble tea shops. So I of course had bubble tea every day. And I found some good Carrefour treats, including the first sighting of pretzels since Russia. I almost cried. Oh what am I trying to hide, obviously I cried.
I also made good use of the kitchen and made a smoothie with watermelon and cucumber I bought. The watermelon in China is wonderful; the raw leafy greens in the produce section, not so much, so I stuck to something I could peel the gross off of.
Even better, I froze a bunch of bananas in order to make banana whip in the food processor. I used the only vegan soy milk I’ve found so far in all of China (so f-ing weird, stop adding milk powder to your soy milk!) and a lot of peanut butter, and it was perfection! I haven’t been able to find vegan ice cream in months so this was the biggest treat.
doesn’t it look amazing
Okay that’s enough about the hotel. Oh no I must share I took a bubble bath for the first time in like a decade at least and watched HBO in the tub during it. Okay now I’m done. I know what you’re here for, and it’s not to watch me cry as I reminisce about this amazing hotel that aside from some weird pipe smells was the best ever.
You’re here for pandas.
You’re here for pandas.
PANDA BUTTS
The #1 thing to do in Chengdu is to visit the panda sanctuary, the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding. It’s only about a half hour ride outside the city, and there are public buses that go there but a taxi (using the meter) cost us only 48 RMB or something like that, which is like $7. The place opens at 8:30am, I think, and you are supposed to go early so you see them playing instead of sleeping, which they do when it’s too hot in the afternoon. We left the hotel before 7:30, and it was pretty hopping at 8am. Definitely don’t wait any longer to arrive, because hour by hour you could actually feel the crowds increasing. By the time we left, it still wasn’t even noon but the pathways were crammed.
The insane crowds – full of pushing and shoving and knocking your camera away so they could put theirs in front of your face for the better view that you actually waited for – were the worst part, and we were super frustrated and upset about them. But I’m sharing that negative bit first because aside from that (that’s all of China, really), this was amazing! I SAW PANDAS! They were PLAYING with each other and fake-fighting like doggies do and it was the cutest! We saw giant panda adults, giant panda cubs, newborns, red pandas of all sizes. All were amazing.
panda here panda there panda panda everywhere
The grounds are enormous, and once you enter after buying tickets (which were less than we thought considering it’s the #1 thing (but I don’t remember exactly sorry)) you’ll see a very long line for a little golf-cartish bus that will shuttle people up towards the panda habitats. This is great for people who are less mobile, but if you have no problem walking all morning, it’s much better to walk everywhere and choose your own adventure. There are signs everywhere saying ‘this way to the giant adult pandas #1a, this way to 1b, this way to 2nd, this way to the red panda A, this way to red panda Z4’ – the labeling of the various areas is very confusing and without explanation (I guess this is where privately hired guides can help navigate), but I think we just followed our hearts and saw all of them in a random order depending on what felt right. And we had SUCH good luck! We saw these three adults playing in one B section. Well two are playing, the third is just chilling nearby and making a total ‘guys, let me be, alright?’ face.
wheeee
One giant panda was HILARIOUS, laying down while he ate all his sticks of bamboo with the biggest smile on his face. I mean, of course he was smiling, he was eating his favorite food while laying down. It doesn’t get better.
We also walked to the red panda habitats and were OBSESSED. They were so flipping cute. We so lucked out and arrived at the same time as a staff member there to feed them (about 9:30, I think). She opened the gate and went into the woods area with a bucket of squash and apples (they eat like me!). One skittish reddy ran into the woods, scared of her I guess (poor little thing!), but the others were PUMPED for food and ran over. So pumped, in fact, that this amazing little guy stood up to say to her hurry up and gimme my food!
How cute is he?
And all the others!
<3
how cute
After we walked for hours to all the various habitats, we happened upon an extremely long line. Oh wow it was so long. Z got in it while I searched for a toilet – it was kind of far, and that long was just as long as the other one, of course, because no one designs a women’s bathroom adequately anywhere in the world. When we finally made it through the attraction line, we saw that it was for the ‘mother and panda’ nursey or something. We were shuffled through single file (that was quite the experience; Chinese people do not do single file willingly and I had to yell at SO MANY PEOPLE) past nursery windows, one of which had the tiniest baby panda in an incubator.
So, it was at this point in our experience that I suddenly thought, is this place actually a zoo? Or at least, zoo-like? Considering that thousands of people per day were staring at this baby, and getting kind of close to all these animals, it seemed very zooey and not the good Deschanel kind. Sure the pandas had tons of room and seemingly endless woods, no cages or confines that we could see, but still, all these people staring…it feels weird. I realized I did not do enough research into this. The institute mostly bills itself as for preservation and conservation of the endangered pandas, and a place to get them to breed more, but still I don’t really know for sure. I tried looking into it and found positive information about how it’s really the top institute for saving the pandas from extinction and trying to increase their numbers in the face of that. But, it’s hard to tell whether that is truth or whether it is government controlled propaganda. I think, overall, the pandas are well taken care of, and they are in trouble and this place helps to protect and preserve them, so I really hope it’s true. If anyone knows more please let me know.
Accepting that I went, though, it was the best ever. I loved seeing the pandas acting like total adorable goofballs as they played with their friends. Like I said, they seem well taken care of and not in enclosed spaces, but I think it would be beneficial (to all) if they had timed entry to thin out the crowds. It can’t feel normal to have that many people staring at you. But yes, I was one of them. I smiled at them though! I didn’t shout like others! Okay that’s no excuse. But look how cute.
wheeee i’m in a tree
The best thing about the pandas is, well it’s seeing them and it’s amazing oh my god. The next best nonrelated thing is that if you go when you’re supposed to, you miss the insane afternoon crowds and you are done with the #1 activity in Chengdu before noon that day! So we had a whole afternoon of swimming and sauna and HBO and laying on pillows. It was the best day.
We walked through one of the air conditioned enclosures and this little guy was chilling in there! There’s glass separating us of course
What else did we do in Chengdu besides see the pandas and be complete lazybones with the cleanest clothes? We Sichuan fooded so damn hard! HappyCow was full of great-sounding places, so many in fact that we didn’t even make a dent in the list. First, we tried the Yusuge Garden Vegan Vegetarian Restaurant that was only a 20 minute walk from our hotel (and through a very popular area that had bubble tea shops and smoothie places and crazy looking street food stalls on every single block). It was another all-vegan buffet that was stupid cheap (36 rmb, or just over $5). It’s located on the fourth floor of a building across from the big Kowloon Plaza. The food wasn’t as fantastic as some other buffets, but it was better than some others, so definitely of decent quality. The selection was more limited with maybe 15 dishes, but that’s still a lot of food when you can eat everything! (Except the bitter melon rounds. Bitter melon is GROSS!) It wasn’t mind-blowing but it was still RG!
London needs more cheap af vegan buffets
listen buffet plates are NEVER GOING TO BE PRETTY
Above is part of the dessert-y section. On the left side is an interesting sticky rice thing with lots of steamed pumpkin on it. The pumpkin should have been flavored or sweetened at least, but still interesting. But the big winner here is that they had little CUPCAKES! Do you see on the far right?! The cake was fine but the icing was AMAZING. Oh man. (I put one in my bag for later shhh.)
This was our view from our dinner table at Yusuge. The ad across the street reads, “I’m proud of my stubborn/I sing loudly in the wind” YASSS
One day we ventured down south for a long walk through the city and saw Sichuan University, the very generic name of which made us make constant jokes about Bovine University. We ate at a vegetarian place nearby.
when I grow up I”m going to Sichuan University!
I wanna go back to school
Lotus Vegetarian was not worth the trek, but if you are in the area, it’s good. We had a mixed bag – two lackluster dishes but two great ones. There were dumplings that were just okay, ‘assorted broccoli’ that was mostly cauliflower and came in a weird goo sauce that wasn’t good (and these were my necessary veggies! sigh), but then a fun random fake meat dish over super spicy cold cucumber (surprise veggies! thanks!), and fantastic dandan noodles, which we had been searching for forever at every vegetarian restaurant. Gotta have dandan when in Sichuan! So, two good dishes, two meh, and we finally got dandan, so overall it was a win. It’s the only thing in that area, I think, so it’s good if you’re there, but there’s better food to be had elsewhere in Chengdu.
Like my favorite restaurant in the entire city, Jujubeetree Vegetarian Lifestyle. We were shocked at how good this place was. It was sit-down and fancy looking yet not expensive like all the non-buffet vegetarian restaurants are.
We got enough food that I had leftovers (yayyy for a fridge and the ability to reheat!) and I went back another day for a shitload of takeout (yay again for the same things!). We had the bean curd and vegetable salad, which was beautiful. The taste was mild but with a bit of the Sichuan numbing pepper, plus peanuts. It was refreshing, with raw carrots and sprouts and various shredded green things. So good.
I also got – you already guessed, didn’t you? Because if it’s on the menu when I’m traveling in places where it’s not common, I get it even if I don’t want it. But I always want it! Anyway I’m obviously talking about a green salad, this time with carrots, tomatoes, radish, quinoa (vegetarian restaurant salads are the only places we’ve seen quinoa in the whole country), and really good strips of cooked pumpkin, in a delicious dressing. It was ENORMOUS too, so I was so happy.
Because the salad was so big, I got to take most of the other dishes home for the next day (yebop!!!). My main dish was astounding. Reviews online told me to get the pepper steak, or the sweet and sour rib dish, but neither was calling to me. Instead, I pointed to a menu entry that said ‘bean curd pudding and meatballs’. I mean. I don’t know WHY ON EARTH I would order something that sounded so revolting, but some force took hold of my finger when the waiter arrived and moved it Ouija board style over that item and made me say ‘and this.’ Well, whatever Chinese magic that was, I need more of it in my life, because this dish was one of the best I had in China.
It was a GIGANTIC pot of chili oil-soupy goodness over an open flame with incredible-textured meatballs, lots of various mushrooms, green peppers, red peppers, and pillows of soft homemade tofu, like dumplings of tofu that had been cooked in the simmering broth. It was EPIC. We were both shocked by how great it was. I mean, that name! No way! Everything was super spicy, just like we wanted, and this was the spiciest of all. Erma. So incredible.
We also needed a dumpling style dish because they were on the menu and I was there, and we eagerly decided on a variation on our theme – because this menu had WONTONS. I don’t really know what the difference is between wontons and dumplings except that wontons seem to have a little more skin folded around it (gentiles?) but who cares, these were incredible. They were filled with mushroom and cabbage and came in a bowl of chili oil (as usual!) and we were fighting over the last one. So good!!
Lastly we ordered the char siu pastry, which I’ve never had because it is usually filled with a pulled pork kind of thing, but yay for a vegetarian version! The pork filling was good, kind of sweet and it was clearly meant as a dessert version because it came out after everything else. I would have preferred a more savory version because I don’t really like flaky, buttery crust pastries (I know I know) but I could still tell that this was a quality dish and luckily Z is not crazy and enjoys delicious things.
We obviously went back, one afternoon when we were in the area, and I got even more food to take home (home, sigh, it was like a home). I did get that recommended pepper steak, which was good, but cost twice as much as the other mains, which I don’t understand, and the only veggies inside were red and green peppers, which I don’t love, and big chunks of them, so there was no way of hiding the taste with other stuff in the same bite. The actual steak was great though, with a really impressive pull-apart layered texture.
y’all ready for some tupperware pictureeeees
I got an order of sword beans, which I love, like slightly fatter green beans in a strong sauce, but not spicy – like the only non-spicy thing we ate all week, so it was like a delicious palate cleanser. They had bits of fried all over that was so good. I don’t know fried what, just fried.
I also got a huge order of this amazing sauteed cauliflower that we’ve seen and eaten all over China (this is how you do cauliflower!) that came with ‘streaky pork’, which I thought was a typo on ‘steaky’ because I don’t know meat things but Z said they mean it to be like bacon-ish. It was a delicious dish.
But the last one was my favorite, and I think it was my favorite noodle dish in all of China, which is a huuuuge thing to say. It was ‘double color spinach juice noodles’, so the noodles were green I guess from spinach juice! Immediately I’m onboard. They were covered in a spicy meaty sauce kind of like a Sichuan bolognese and then a milder but even more delicious lighter creamier sauce. It was incredible. These may have been the restaurant’s take on dandan, I can’t really tell, but it was amazing. Oh man I wish I could have more of these.
Aside from all this vegetarian Sichuan food, we had an obligatory ah-I’m-so-sick-of-Chinese-food moment one afternoon and chanced upon an incredible hole-in-the-wall Mexican place that was actually better than any Mexican food there is in London. I KNOW! It was called Good Good Mexican Grill and it was good good and there were non-Chinese people running it, which makes sense. Z had a quesadilla that he said was awesome and we shared these nachos and guacamole. GUAC GUYS.
Good Good was on the same block as 88 Vegetative Lifestyle Store, a veggie restaurant on HappyCow that has changed its menu since people last reviewed it and the new menu is NOT GOOD so (like random Western dishes like lasagna, and no good looking Chinese dishes) so we left
One day in search of our bank, we took a nice stroll along the river. It was great to have almost no one around us for a change.
As usual, we saw some great signage, like this dental clinic.
YOU ONLY GET 18 NO MORE
One of my favorite things is that we keep seeing shops that apparently want to be New Balance shops, but…aren’t.
Also this sounds like the worst art gallery EVER:
the only thing worse than elementary school art is elementary school plays
One night on the subway I saw a girl in a t-shirt that read “If I was a bird, I’d know who to shit on.” I MEAN. AMAZING.
So, yes, we mainly used our time in Chengdu to eat and laze around our amazing digs. And we saw pandas. It was the best week.
oh man I wish it was quiet anywhere
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Entering China: The Train from Ulaan Baatar to Beijing
July 20-21
Dear little baby laptop diary,
Dear little baby laptop diary,
Here we are on our 8th long train journey of the summer but the very first part of our China adventure! For the next 30 hours, I look to you for support, for guidance, for refuge from our very very loud Canadian male cabinmates (I thought Canadians were polite loudness beyond all decibel recognition is not polite). But most of all, I look to you for distraction from the fact that the bathrooms might be closed for 6 full hours tonight, for customs and bogie (wheel) changing. I am not stress-free, I’ll say that.
bye Mongolia don’t let the door hit you in the ass oh wait no doors
Luckily, the train is a tiny bit nicer than what we’ve been on for the past 5 weeks. It’s another Chinese train, so it’s smoky as all hell, of course, but I guess that’s good practice for all the secondhand cigarette smoke and (god I hope not) lung problems I’ll be getting once we arrive in China. But other than that (and of course, the Chinese tradition of not supplying toilet paper, soap, or speaking English), the train is nicer. Our cabin seems ever so slightly wider than usual, meaning all four of us can sit on the bottom bunks and not have our legs touch. Most importantly, there are outlets in here! Two of them! Before, on the Russian trains, there was one 220V outlet in the entire carriage hallway that everyone fought over to charge their phones. But here, hell we’ve got the phones charged, the kindles charged, and you little baby are plugged in for the first time on a train! How does that feel!
Even better, there are two toilets at one end of the carriage instead of one at each end. So the attendants did not lock the one by them for their own use! Two toilets for me! Best of all, the other toiletless end of the carriage has an open area with the hot water station (no more samovars, of course, being out of Russia, but still endless hot water) and TWO SINKS! No more washing our cups in the toilet sink! No more waiting to pee while 4 people use the toilet just to brush their teeth! We’re flying high! And most importantly, the sinks can’t be locked, so with my newfound lack of inhibition cultivated in the Mongolian country tour, if need be, I will just pee in those open sinks. What are they gonna do about it?
the mountains and smog of China start to take shape
No, really, I’m incredibly nervous about the bogie change. Mongolian exit customs starts at 6:30pm and is about two hours, and then Chinese entry customs starts only half an hour later, at 9pm, so I think the bathrooms will be closed that entire time, with that half hour not long enough to warrant an official reopening. I’m nervous enough about that, but the Chinese customs part includes a bogie change to account for the difference in tracks or wheel requirements in China or somesuch nonsense that will force the bathrooms to be closed until freaking 1:30am. So best case, that’s a 4 1/2 hour closure, which I can’t do, and worst case, that’s a 6 hour closure, which I REALLY can’t do. The guide book says we are able to get off the train and wait at the station while they change the bogies, but then you are out in the cold until 1:30am!!! Is anyone else on this UTI machine worrying about this? How is it possible for anyone to think of anything else? Even you can’t go for 6 hours without needing to pee! Come on! Does everyone have a Stadium Pal in their packs? Adult diapers? WHAT’S THEIR SECRET? What do I do Murray?!
While I wait for my fate to reveal itself, I am listening to our two Canadians TALK REALLY LOUDLY ABOUT ALL KINDS OF THINGS IN THEIR REALLY LOUD VOICES. They are nice enough but like shut the crap up already I’m trying to do literally anything but listen to your talk about Burning Man and how it’s the best thing in the world and ughhh you wish you were theeeere because it’s just representative of everrrything gooood the worrrrld can beeee. SHUT UP I HATE YOU AND BURNING MAN IT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
The dining car was soo fancy! I didn’t eat in there because the food was Mongolian (the dining car is always from the country you start in) and NATHANKS but so pretty!
The scenery is hilarious. We are literally going through the desert right now, so there is nothing for miles and miles and miles. Just sand. Nothingness. It’s so dry out there. Damn I would hate to be stuck in the desert.
Omg this one guy’s voice is like the loudest you can ever imagine. How is this person human? I didn’t know regular human talking could occur at this decibel. If I were in my apartment I’d be calling the police about a noise violation like I used to do all the time in Philly about that stupid burrito place across the street like listen it’s 3pm and you are NOT a club you are a burrito shop so stop thumping the bass like yo’re a gangster no one wants to eat your food if they can feel the thumping in their chest too just chill the f.
So the loud boys like to pass the time on the train – on a THIRTY HOUR TRAIN – by playing 20 Questions with each other. You know, when you think of something, anything, and the other person has 20 questions to ask before guessing what it is. Usually children who don’t know what to do with their lives play this. Usually people pick objects they can see or something. Do you wanna know what their first question to each other has invariably been? Are you even ready for this because I still am not. The very first question they ask each other every round is, “Is it a product of modernity?” jigga WHAT?????? IS IT A PRODUCT OF MODERNITY? Who DOES THAT! START WITH ‘IS IT AN OBJECT” FOR FUCKS SAKE.
I do not like them. And I do not like that apparently all Chinese attendants will be constantly smoking. I know that I am a broken record of complaint in these posts but I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experiences.
Wanna hear the funniest thing? These two idiots are going to Beijing to catch a flight TO NORTH KOREA! Oh they are going to get eaten ALIVE by Kim and his friends. I mean honestly they need to tone it down, for real; it’s dangerous to go there and not know how to behave in civilized society (Kim and I am civilized society). Soooo many men in uniform are going to be like SHUT UPPPPP but in Korean. Godspeed to you two foolios, godspeed.
Okay so we are in the middle of the customs time. I am very thirsty but I was able to pee right before the designated time for exit customs. The Mongolians pored over every single page of our passports just because we want to leave. I really don’t understand exit customs. You already let us in, just let me out please. It took a few hours and at 8:30pm I heard some commotion down by the bathrooms and guess what, someone else indeed had to pee! Other people are human too! A lady got the attendant to open a bathroom before Chinese customs officials boarded and the line grew down the whole carriage. Woohoo!
Chinese customs officials do not smile, but they do bark. We got stamped through though, and then the train started moving back and forth between stations, like long 10 minute rides back and forth. Something was clearly not going right. Finally we went into a building we had passed 4 times – yes, straight into it- and saw that all the carriages of our train had been separated and were kind of stacked sideways to each other, so we could look from our window into another carriage’s cabins. Privacy violation! It was so weird behind on a train but being inside this random warehouse. And then, all of a sudden, we realized our car had been raised like 15 feet in the air, without us feeling it! Chinese machinery is sophisticated! (Made in Japan?)
But after a bit of time, things stopped being so smooth. The entire carriage started being jerked this way and that, preventing any kind of relaxation and invoking a mass confusion of whispered “what’s going on”s. A few minutes would pass, then we’d hear a BANG! CRASH! Like a comic strip except we were in a train car and no one could tell us what was going on. They need to work on this system.
At about 10:30pm, a French lady nearby got the attendant to open the toilet. I don’t even care that this lady was also smoking, I love her now. I was going to be okay. Dehydrated and exhausted and concerned about what the crap was going on outside, but okay.
But we thought by then that the bogie change was over. Why were we still in the warehouse? Where…wait where were all the other carriages? We could no longer see ANY of the rest of our train, like they had regrouped and departed to continue the journey and forgotten to add car #4 back in. Ermmmm guys? GUYS? CAN ANYONE TELL US WHAT’S GOING ON?
By this point, the screamers and Z had all gone to sleep, while I waited for a chance to do Final Pee (TM) before sleep. I thought it was coming – I was so tired! But the clang clang clang of the bogie machines still rocked our carriage back and forth – while these silly boys just SLEPT. I wanted to scream how can you people be sleeping through this I’m literally having to hold onto the railings! By 12:45am, we had left the warehouse but just as little as possible – we were parked outside it. I honestly think that we were waiting for the train to come back and collect us and add us back in. I have no evidence of this – I probably just couldn’t see the rest of the train from my window’s angle – but come on what else would be taking until 1 in the morning!
Finally I really had to pee and wanted to sleep so bad that I resorted to playing dirty with the attendant: I went to his cabin, opened the door, and put my hands together and said ‘toilet, please??’ He pointed to his watch and said “Must wait! Must wait!” I said “please emergency” and he again said “must wait!” So, I dug a tampon out of my pocket that I had dug out of my bag and held it up for him and said ‘NEED TO USE’. He SHUDDERED and instead of being forced to think about lady problems for any longer, he hurried to open the toilet for me. Guys! I successfully discovered a surefire way to always get the men to unlock the toilets! Make them super uncomfortable by showing them a tampon that you’re not going to even use (don’t use tampons at night, PSA)! New train motto is AHATIMP (always have a tampon in my pocket) and I will be stress-freeeee saaaailing awayyyyyy hoorayyy for fragile masculinity!
I slept.
In the morning, at about 7 or 8, I heard the SUPER LOUD CANADIANS (seriously they can’t be Canadian I think they are lying) rustling and opened my eyes, which I shouldn’t have done because that triggered the extra loud one to immediately announce that the attendants wanted to collect all the sheets. “Fuck that”, I said, glaring at him, and turned over for more sleep. I am so in charge now.
The landscape starting looking undeniably like the China I was so eager to see, with misty mountains and lots of buildings and smog (well I wasn’t excited about the smog) and just so much interesting scenery. The mountains were incredible! I’m so excited to see so much of this country. We will soon arrive for five days in Beijing. Stay tuned! And let me know if you hear anything in the news about two Canadian men being captured in NK.
Samarkand, Uzbekistan: Gorgeous Preserved History on the Silk Road
In case you couldn’t tell, we weren’t totally loving Uzbekistan. The history was objectively impressive, but the country in general felt a little bit like Tobias and we were his hair plugs: a little like we were not supposed to be there, a little unwelcoming, a little like our presence risked grave medical danger. Okay so maybe not that last part and maybe it’s not the most effective analogy but anyway, that feeling changed with the much more accessible and welcoming Samarkand. Maybe it’s because we had just left Bukhara, which challenged us to love it while doing whatever it could to stop us from loving it, but Samarkand stood out as the one place in Uzbekistan that felt enjoyable, comfortable, and welcoming, at least by Uzbek standards.
A city that may date back to the 8th century BC (I mean we all may date back to the 8th century BC but a lot of historians believe that’s how old it is), Samarkand was once the capital of the Sogdian empire, during some time between 6th century BC to 11th century AD. The Sogdians, you’d learn if you went to Uzbekistan or the recent exhibit at the British Museum, were an ancient Iranian civilization around Uzbekistan and Tajikistan. Some Sogdians also lived in China during the Tang dynasty, while others ventured throughout the Byzantine Empire, fulfilling important trade roles on the Silk Route. The Muslim conquering of Transoxiana in the 8th century catalysed the gradual conversion of all Sogdians to Islam. This also led to the decline of the Sogdian language, as many adopted Persian or other Turkic languages instead. We also got by with Russian in Uzbekistan. For some reason, whenever I hear ‘the Sogdians’ my brain thinks of Cher talking about ‘the Haiti-ans’. So if we just went back into the kitchen, rearranged a few things, we could certainly party with the Sogdians.
and may I remind you it does NOT say RVSP on whatever this is!
Anyway, I don’t know why but I was much more amenable to partying with the Sogdians in Samarkand than in the rest of the country. Samarkand, I think, is more tourist-friendly. Or just me-friendly. There were modern buildings and restaurants and stuff, which I was ready for at this point. And the big f-ing things to see were easy to find and see and enjoy. The biggest f-ing thing, the Registan, was as impressive and beautiful as I could have wished, really living up to expectations.
The Registan was once the public square, the main piazza, of the ancient city. All the big news was announced here, all the big executions happened here, things like that. The square is composed of three madrassahs forming a square (the last side is formed by YOU! or whatever): the Ulugh Beg Madrassah, the Tilya-Kori Madrassah, and the Sher-Dor Madrassah. That’s them from left to right, but we went right to left, so that’s how I’ll talk about them. The Sher-Dor Madrassah was built in the 1600s and depicts tigers in mosaics (I think they are supposed to be lions because Sher-Dor means lion-bearing, so I hear so I hear, but come on they look like tigers if they’re a day) which I noticed were cool but I didn’t even realize till later how crazy that really is given that Muslims aren’t supposed to have pictures of living things in religious buildings and stuff. That Yalangtush, the ruler who ordered Sher-Dor to be built, must have been some kind of bad ass, which is easy to believe considering his name has the word tush in it.
The Sher-Dor was the one place where we saw cops guarding the door, I think just because it is closest to the ticketed entrance. But true to what our guide book warned us about, one of the cops offered to take us into the closed minarets at the Ulugh Beg Madrassah across the square so we could climb up it, for a fee of course. We read about how the cops will offer to do this but ask for money, usually more than they first say, so we were not about to go with a stranger danger into a tower and then either pay him whatever he wants or risk having him lock us in. nah thanks. Corrupt cops are everywhere!
lions and tigers and bears! oh my! minus the lions and bears. or minus the tigers and bears, depends on what you see
these are definitely tigers though. On the beautiful grounds of the Registan
Sher-Dor Madrassah
mosaichi gorges
As for the big guy in the center, the Tilya Kori Madrassah was born only a little after the Sher-Dor and operated as a mosque as well, which is why it’s so big I guess. The facade features two stories of the dormitory cells of the madrassah students. But inside is really where it’s at. There’s a hidden courtyard after you enter the Tilya and that and the interior halls are supes gorge. The name ‘Tilya Kori’ means ‘decorated with gold’ I would have guessed ‘see you later’ from the sound of it but that makes more sense I guess. Till ya kori alligator!
not for a while crocodile!
what’s she thinking ‘hmm what was it like to go to college here’ or ‘what is my f-ing hat doing right now’
blue and gold BLUE AND GOLD we will allll uphooooold love will pervade us till death separate us &c &c
Some people, I don’t know who but they sound like very little fun, are upset about how the restoration inside the Tilya Kori has actually, ya know, restored it to such an extent. But look how gorgeous it is now! Who would rather have crumbling cement holes and colors so faded you can’t even see them than this gloriousness? Who on earth really thinks the original artists and architects would prefer to see their work falling apart and disintegrating to preserve ‘authenticity’ rather than having amazing modern people restore it so it remains beautiful? Y’all tripping.
The Registan grounds were almost as gorgeous as the inside bits. I love loved this sea of flowers tipping out from the vase.
so cool flowers
The secret courtyard of the Tilya was also really lovely. I bet by now you are getting the hint that the Registan is completely awesome. Well except for one thing which I’ll mention in a minute.
As for the Ulugh Beg Madrassah, it was named after – you guessed it – the famed Ulugh Beg, the 14th century Timurid ruler. That’s not his real name – the real one has some Muhammeds and some bins in there – but a moniker he garnered because it basically means ‘great ruler’. So, fun fact, Beg is the part that means ruler or chief, from the old Turkic ‘bey’ which means chief in that way. So we see, Beyonce is Queen Bey for a reason. Names are powerful. Not just a ruler, Ulugh Beg was also an astronomer and mathematician, specializing in spherical geometry (I mean), which is why the inside of his namesake madrassah was decorated with constellations galore. It was really cool to follow all the stars and see which ones I recognized (zero) or knew the names of before (six).
The Ulugh Beg is the oldest of the three buildings, and according to our book is ‘considered the best of the three’ which just seems like unnecessary favoritism that threatens to spark infighting among the buildings.
Okay I know I said there was just one thing to complain about here at the Registan but come on it’s me. There are three. The biggest annoyance was that, despite how sacred and important this place is, there are touts everywhere, covering every inch of space selling their crappy knickknacks which okay fine you’re trying to make a living but no they hound you and it takes most of your energy to get them to stop and that’s energy you should be using to gaze upon the sights and not harrumph irritably. Harrumph I said HARRUMPH.
The only sellers I enjoyed were whoever was in charge of getting tourists to dress in traditional costume. Looked so fun and would have for silly pictures but lice.
Numbers two and three have to do with money, not that anything here was expensive but it’s just the principle of the thing. Our not-so-old book says that the ticket into the Registan costs 4000 Uzbeki som, but they charged us 30,000 each! That’s some crazy markup! And they only charged the Uzbek people who went in before us 1000. I get charging foreigners more, it happens, but damn that’s a lot more. It’s still stupid cheap for being the most important site in the area but stilllll. Even more annoying, though, was that after paying all that som, the bathrooms inside the Registan grounds were still another 1000 som. Like after you pay 30,000 to enter the place you still have to pay for the toilet? Bitch please.
musicians on the rounds of the Registan
Other than those grievances, the Registan was spectacular.
On to the next!
The next mosque on our list was the Bibi Khanum Mosque, which was built to house 10,000 people. That’s a lot of praying going on. Luckily there were not that many people inside when we visited, although I did see Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Uzbek doppelganger. When the Bibi (HABIBI!) was first built, it didn’t last long before it started falling apart at the seams (not seams) (not a robot). Maybe it was too big, maybe it was built too fast, maybe it was seismic activity, maybe Tamerlane (remember we have learned about him in past posts but don’t worry we will talk about him again in a few minutes) was just too pissed at the architect for kissing his wife and so he cursed the place — all of these reasons have been put forward to explain the collapse. Yes even that last one. Apparently the architect fell in love with Tamerlane’s wife, whose name was Bibi Khanum so yeah not hard to believe since the mosque just happens to be named after her. So legend goes, Archie kissed Bibi and it permanently scarred her lips, so Tamerlane was suitably pissed and called for the executioner, but Archie climbed to the top of a minaret, sprouted wings, and flew to Persia. I don’t believe it, but I am not surprised that yet another ancient tale has only the woman, the one who didn’t do anything but get victimized, be the only one who actually suffers punishment. Cool story bros.
Luckily, after falling apart for hundos of years and then collapsing even more in an earthquake, they restored the Bibi Khanum in the ’70s so now we can visit and be safe.
this is my ‘is that Lin-Manuel no of course it isn’t you idiot why on earth would he be in Uzbekistan but that guy does look poetic and he’s writing in a little journal should i tell him he looks like Lin no he doesn’t know who that is and probably doesn’t speak English stop being weird’ face
Our next and final stop on the historical sites tour is the Gur Emir Mausoleum, which we could see from our hotel. The mausoleum is home(?) to several important members of the Timur family, including Amir Timur himself, better known as Tamerlane. In case you forget from past blog posts, Tamerlane was a big f-ing deal, a Turco-Mongol conqueror in the 1300s. He founded the Timurid Empire in Persia and Central Asia, leading military campaigns across most of Asia, the Caucasus (‘Dolokhov was in the Caucasus and he killed the shah’s brother. Now all the Moscow ladies are MAD about him!’ anyone??) and southern Russia. He was the most powerful ruler of his time in the Muslim world after he defeated some super biggies like Egypt and the Ottoman Empire. He was responsible for apparently 17 million deaths! That’s a lot! Why do humans revere people like this!
Gur Emir Mausoleum
This mausoleum wasn’t actually supposed to contain Tamerlane’s remains – it was originally built for his favorite grandson, Mohammed Sultan (an ungoogleable name now) (also what a creepy gift for anyone! here i built you a big coffin for when you die! jesus christ I wanted a bicycle), but then Tamerlane died unexpectedly in 1405 (do they really not think he was murdered I can name a million possible suspects and I wasn’t even there) and his mausoleum wasn’t done yet, so he was like ‘well I’m dead and my place is unfinished so just put me in here I guess’. His other grandson, Ulugh Beg, is in there too. Yep that was his grandson! Such nepotism, so wow.
The giant slab of jade on Amir Timur’s coffin was stolen by Persian invaders, but they returned it because it had brought them bad luck, which I find HILARIOUS. There’s a giant bowl in this morbid room too, which I don’t think the picture shows, but anyway Tamerlane would always fill the bowl with pomegranate juice and make his troops drink from it pre-battle to symbolize drinking the blood of the enemy, which is enough to put me off pomegranate juice for good.
But it wasn’t all fun and games. I mean death and mosques. We also had fun food experiences! As I now expect in these Silk Road cities, there was a kickin bazaar overflowing with produce and bread and people, and Samarkand’s was pretty great. As usual, we stuffed ourselves with amazing bread and stocked up on fruit for our travels. But Samarkand’s bazaar stood out for me because it also had fantastic halvah, which is a favorite of mine and all people with good taste.
WANT
I hate red pepper but I love this picture
As you can see, there was plenty of food, as was the case for most of the cities we visited on this trip, but finding restaurants with vegan menu items was harder. We had a rough time in Samarkand due pretty much just to bad luck in choosing crappy places, but one restaurant was great. Platan, which I found via HappyCow (the only entry for Samarkand, and for dern good reason), was a nice quiet restaurant inside a hotel on the fancier end of things. The food on offer was like classic Russian stuff I had on the Trans-Siberian – cabbage salads and beans and stuff. It was decent and I liked it and I loved it. The only annoying thing about Platan was that to pay with credit card, you have to go into the bar in the hotel, which is not very civilized at all and was a great mess and super uncomfortable and time consuming. But hey, they took credit card. Not common.
Of course, I ordered the vitaminka salad, because I always do. This one had actual lettuce (and a lottt of cilantro), which I enjoyed because I love lettuce and that’s usually all I ever put in my salads. I was thrilled to see lobio on the menu despite this not being a Georgian restaurant! Yay beans! I love you beans!
I also got a dish of hot cabbage and root vegetables because I love me some hot cabbage and root vegetables. Yum!
Honestly the best meal in Samarkand was our hotel breakfast. And our hotel was the best place in town. I’m so obsessed. L’Argamak was brand spanking new, so everything was super clean and fresh and lovely. And the staff was the nicest, most accommodating I’ve ever encountered. They bent over backward to make sure we had everything to our liking, which can get really uncomfortable but they were just so goddamn kind that it was great. And the breakfast was gorgeous. They have all these fruits and jams made from fruit growing in their garden. Loves it.
WATERMELON
Oh and I did indeed eat all of that watermelon and honeydew because this was the spread just for the two of us. Okay I shared with Husband but my point is, they did all this just for the two of us. Ahhhhh they were the best! And breakfast was served on the gorgeous patio amid the gorgeous fruit trees and omg it was like you weren’t even in Uzbekistan.
The view from breakfast
So Samarkand was pretty great, and not just because of L’Argamak. The sites were impressive and imposing and interesting. (And I found halvah and I had a good bed!) So much greatness. Of course, this was still Uzbekistan, so it was still full of some weird. Like how all the streets were lined with deep gutters that were f-ing dangerous as hell if you didn’t stare at the ground every time you were walking outside.
You had to hop across every road to get out of the road! Least accessible city ever!
And public transit leaves something to be desired. We didn’t even try using the buses after we saw this:
What is this, China??
But aside from my minor quibbles, Samarkand was by far my favorite place in Uzbekistan. (We still have several stops to talk about, but you’ll see.) The historic sights really were awesome and worth seeing. And if you for some reason are going to Uzbekistan, you’ll have to go to Samarkand and stay at L’Argamak. My favorite thing, okay one of many favorites as is expected with me, was our view of the Gur Emir Mausoleum from our balcony, especially at night. It captures that kind of ancient magic you feel in this place, all in the comfort of a clean hotel with a working new toilet so you know that makes me happy.
NIGHT MAN! AHHHHH!
That’s all, Samarkand! You’re a nice town thanks for letting us enjoy ourselves.
FIGHTER OF THE DAY MAN!
