Huangshan, China: One of the Most Spectacular Sights in the Country...So They Sayby Randi / August 13, 2017
August 3-4, 2017
Dear little baby infant laptop,
Don’t go to Shangrao.
Dear little baby infant laptop,
Don’t go to Shangrao.
Just don’t do anything that would make you have to go through it or near it or involving it.
I will forever feel guilty that I insisted on adding Huangshan to our itinerary because well ffs it’s one of the top five sights in all of China. But because the weather for our climb was so horrendous, it was kind of a waste. And because of that wasted visit, we had to get a train from Huangshan to Guilin – but the only route featured a 4 hour layover in Shangrao.
I SAID DON’T DO THAT!
Four hours is a long time in a train station with not much to do. But in a station filled to capacity, where 1000 Chinese men are smoking under No Smoking signs (they are hung ironically in this country) and the bathrooms are worse than an ashtray, it’s hell.
We amused ourselves for the first hour by trying to get these crazy Chinese self-heating meals to cook, which was hilarious and actually very tasty for an instant pot meal. The instruction took us half an hour to decipher well enough with Google Translate’s photo option. We were nervous because there are two liquid packs – one for water, which goes with the rice to cook it, and one that goes with the heat pack to make the boiling water – that Google translate identified as ‘FEVER WATER’! So, it’s chemicals! Don’t eat that one!
How it works is, you have two containers, a big and a small, and many vacuum-packed foil containers of food. In the small container, you mix the water, rice, and ‘vegetables’ (I thought they were spices it was so small) packs. Then you put the lid on that one. Then, in the bigger container, you lay down the heating pad looking thing. Then you have to work fast: On top of the heating pad in the big container, pour the non-water-toxic-chemical liquid, and then quickly but carefully slide the smaller container into it without splashing yourself, then you place the UNOPENED foil pack of the main meal on top of the sealed smaller container, and then you cover the whole shibang with the big container’s lid.
i know this picture is too beautiful
AND THEN YOU REALIZE YOU FORGOT TO OPEN THE VENT OF THE BIG CONTAINER’S LID. DON’T DO THAT.
Literally within SECONDS, the entire explosive device we just created puffed out and made teapot sounds because the toxic liquid-heating pad combo was NO JOKE and it was already boiling, and we forgot to open the top lid’s vent. We hurriedly fumbled to use the spork provided to jab it and luckily jabbed it enough that the whole thing didn’t explode all over the train station. Although, while that would have sucked for us, it would have been good to do to the annoying people around us. Anyway, you wait 15 minutes for it to cook, and literally the entire time there is ample steam coming out of that vent. Food science is AWESOME. I’m so impressed by these meal packs in this country. I prefer the non-threatening kind that just requires boiling water, which the trains (and stations, so far) have, but when you don’t have access to it, these are awesome. And fun.
Literally within SECONDS, the entire explosive device we just created puffed out and made teapot sounds because the toxic liquid-heating pad combo was NO JOKE and it was already boiling, and we forgot to open the top lid’s vent. We hurriedly fumbled to use the spork provided to jab it and luckily jabbed it enough that the whole thing didn’t explode all over the train station. Although, while that would have sucked for us, it would have been good to do to the annoying people around us. Anyway, you wait 15 minutes for it to cook, and literally the entire time there is ample steam coming out of that vent. Food science is AWESOME. I’m so impressed by these meal packs in this country. I prefer the non-threatening kind that just requires boiling water, which the trains (and stations, so far) have, but when you don’t have access to it, these are awesome. And fun.
do you see the steam?!
After 15 minutes, we tentatively lifted the main lid and lots of steam came out. Then we set the main food pouch aside to cool a little before we tried opening it, and we checked the rice container. The rice cooked! It cooked too much, actually, and was a bit mushy and sticky, but still, pretty cool. We opened the tofu pouch – I got a mapo tofu box that was marked vegetarian (and our Google-translate-phone-scan confirmed, though it also said it contained ‘dry rock net covers’ and ‘whispers’) – and emptied the contents into the rice box and then I ate it and you know what? For an instant pot meal, it was really good!
And then, we had three more hours to kill.
well as long as it does it carefully i guess
Shangrao station was horrendous. We got there from our short first leg train at about 8pm, and our train wasn’t until midnight. The station was covered in No Smoking signs — with men smoking under them at all times. The bathrooms in the station were the smokiest places I’ve ever been in my life, like walking into big ashtrays. I felt like I couldn’t breathe the entire time. First we tried to get away from the main groups of smokers by sitting in an area a little farther away from the main board, but then station staff kicked us out because they close that area at 9pm. So we moved upstairs and had about an hour there before they kicked us out of there because it closes at 10pm! It was ridiculous. So we were forced to sit in the main station area with a thousand smelly smoky people with every seat taken, until our train. You’d think that at this time of night, a station would start emptying. But it just got busier and busier – there were tons of trains all night long. It was the busiest, dirtiest train station ever. And I simply could not breathe, which made me even more tired than I was anyway. I was eager to get on the train and finally go to sleep.
Hahahaha.
It was another Chinese train of the old sort, none of that fancy G train (the Beijing to Shanghai leg we took) stuff, but I was okay with that. We’ve had plenty of these sorts of trains, and as long as it wasn’t worse than before it would be fine.
Guess whaaat, it was so much worse that it was the worst night yet.
First of all, the train was grosser than any previous one. Dingy, dirty, and jfc the bathrooms. I’ll show you pictures because I just cannot do it justice with words. So gross and wet with things I don’t want us to think about. The beds were dirty, the sheets were stained, the walls were yellowed with age and browned with lack of cleaning in the past decade or so and who knows what else. I keep expecting to find like “Ming was here 1778” scratched into a wall. Our pictures through the windows are just pictures of filth.
was grosser in person
these were trickles
Second of all, it reeked of stale smoke, that awful smell that doesn’t go away. Fresh smoke was of course adding to it, but that awful staleness just would not dissipate. All of our stuff reeks. Fresh smoke you can at least give death stares to the culprit and try to close the source off from your room, but with everything already stale, there’s not much to do.
Next, the bottom bunks don’t lift up for storage like they did on every single other train we took. And the beds are less than a foot off the ground, so we can’t squeeze anything under except our boots. So our huge packs and the strangers’ suitcases are just in the middle of the floor, so we have no floor. Whenever we want to leave the room we have to climb on the two bottom bunks and jump out to the doorway. It’s a f-ing travesty.
But worst of all. Jesus Christ China. Worst of all, the two other beds in our cabin are occupied by two women, and each of them has a CHILD. So because no one gives a shit about laws here, we are six people in this tiny room, us two, two Chinese women, and two children, about 2 years old and maybe 5 years old. When we came in at midnight, exhausted, they were sleeping in the two bottom bunks – meaning, someone was sleeping in my bed. Even though they had paid for tickets for one bottom and one top. We couldn’t get into the room to put our bags anywhere (we didn’t realize that they didn’t fit underneath/that the bottoms didn’t lift up yet) because their giant suitcase and all the kids’ shoes and crap were all over the floor. We had to wake them up. One of the attendants came by to see why we were still standing outside the room and we tried to explain that someone was in my bed. Someone’s been sleeping in myyy bed. She woke up the woman and child and asked them to move up top. Instead of doing that, they all kind of just stood there for 15 minutes. Meanwhile the young woman was sleeping and kept motioning to turn the light off. Like f you lady you’re tired? We are too! Maybe you should have taken the correct beds instead of just planning to make people with the correct tickets move. In retrospect, I feel kind of terrible for making the older lady and the younger child move in the middle of the night, but I think considering I peed during this awful night more than ever because I didn’t sleep, it was better to bother them a lot once than bother them by stepping on them every 45 minutes. ALSO TAKE THE CORRECT SPOT.
Finally she got out and then got on the top bunk, and the attendant was like, all good? And I was like, dude, no, I’m not sleeping on these dirty sheets that these people were sleeping on! So she gathered them up and put them on top so I could get the “clean” ones down but they were still so disgusting. And there were no sheets, actually, just a pillow and a quilt with a duvet that was not actually on, just kind of a suggestion of a duvet that showed you how disgusting the inside comforter was, and you were supposed to taco yourself inside.
It took a while to get settled because there was no room to stand by the bed. My bag is just inside the door next to their suitcase, which knocked into me all night. It was so smoky all night that I had to sleep with my pollution mask, which made it even harder to get enough breath so all night I felt like I had someone sitting on my chest preventing me from breathing. The mask at least maybe made the air I was breathing better? I guess? but I couldn’t sleep with it on. I chose maybe preventing some lung cancer over sleep. We really are in the sticks of China now. No more Beijing and Shanghai fanciness and semblance of propriety. Raw China is wild and kind of frightening.
The children of course got up at 6am or so and were SO F-ING LOUD. And the mother would just respond to them in an equally loud voice. Great job continuing the tradition of ignoring other people and any idea of politeness. They just continued to talk and sing and stuff all morning. And we can’t really do anything because there’s no room to sit. I’m typing this with my knees bent into my chest and the computer on my knees because there’s no other option. I’m like in a small cage with barriers formed by suitcases and child’s toys – three of which, by the way, they just threw directly at me. Kind of hurt. No one said anything. Well I said JESUS F-ING CHRIST but they don’t speak English.
I was in the sink area brushing my teeth next to a man who spent 10 minutes just hacking into the sink and then blowing his nose into the water stream, like by covering one nostril at a time and just honking into the sink basin.
This morning we were stopped for like an hour when we weren’t supposed to be so that’s great, even more time in this shithole. I would 100% rather be in a Mongolian ger camp. At least there was fresh air. And space. So much space. Why can’t China and Mongolia share people or land and then Mongolia would have more than 4 people in its big space and then China could let people spread out a little, maybe put their feet on the floor. Has anyone brought this idea to the UN?
These are the most annoying children I’ve ever met. I usually like children. They are screaming all morning and throwing toys around. The older one just had a giant Cup of Noodles, and then five minutes later the mother gave him a giant bento box looking thing of rice and meat and so much food that she bought off someone walking down the carriage, I think. (They don’t offer to sell us anything). He’s like 6 and eating enough food for 3 adult men. He’s going to throw up on me, I just know it.
I hope Guilin is worth it. Huangshan wasn’t, stupid weather. Just such bad luck! Why are we getting such bad luck? I’m okay rolling with a few things going wrong but this week has been pretty dire.
I just went to the toilet and was in there for literally 30 seconds and someone banged on the door, like hurry up. I went out and said WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU? It’s kind of freeing not being understood by anyone. But I am losing it. I’m so tired and so angry with these people and the universe for this bad luck. And I’m REALLY sick of everyone on this train staring at us. Everyone keeps walking by our room and stopping to stare, multiple times each. And we can’t shut the door because we all don’t fit with all the luggage with the door closed. So they keep staring. They don’t get a lot of white people out here. It keeps getting worse, the attention, the farther away from the big tourist areas we go. It’s an awful feeling just knowing everyone is staring because you are strange to them. I just want to do whatever I’m going to do and not have to deal with everyone staring. It’s so annoying.
Okay tiny computer, I’m gonna shut you down and close my eyes until we get to Guilin. Pray.
GUILIN
After the train from hell ended, I saw a man holding a sign with my name on it outside the station, booked with the guest house we were staying in for our one night in Guilin before we leave in the morning for Yangshuo, the ‘relaxation’ section of our journey. When I tell you that this man was the worst driver in the history of driving, I know you will have trouble believing it, because 90% are drivers are ‘the worst drivers ever’, and 100% of Chinese drivers fit that bill. (The driving situation in China is without question the worst I’ve ever seen. Now I haven’t been to India so I know they will fight this battle out but I think it’s even money to bet on either as being the worst. Is that how betting works I don’t know. Anyway, drivers in China BLOW.) But even despite weeks now of dodging motorbikes when we have the green walk man, and cursing at cars that run through red lights as if they’re supposed to (no one ever gets pulled over, and everyone should), this man put them all to shame. It was supposed to be a 17 minute drive to our hotel. It took 45 minutes, and he didn’t even get us there.
First of all, he drove so slowly. Not cautious-slowly, as I tend to do (haha I don’t drive), but like, 10 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone slowly. Dangerous slowly. Despite traffic in the bustling city, there were no cars for like 200 feet in front of us at any point because he was going turtle paced. We got frustrated very quickly and tried saying ‘go faster please for the love of god go faster’ but he didn’t understand. We tried in Chinese but he also didn’t understand. No one understands any Chinese we say. I said the word for toilet 15 different ways to someone yesterday with every possible tone combo and she still didn’t get it. It’s TWO SYLLABLES, you can at least try to GUESS what I’m saying. Anyway, this guy didn’t get it and wasn’t moved by our hand motions to go go go, so it took forever. But then after like 10 minutes, he got into a turn lane that was going into an attraction’s parking lot. We were like, wtf are you doing. We tried to tell him that that clearly wasn’t right, and he didn’t get it. Finally he realized his mistake and had to make a u-turn and go alllll the way back down where we came from and alllll the way back to where we’d been to continue straight and omg we were FLIPPING OUT. Finally, a half hour later, he got us in the neighborhood of our hotel, but that’s it. He had no idea where it actually was, he had never been there before. The hotel sent a driver who had no idea where they were located. We asked him to call the hotel, we said call hotel call hotel and made the talking on a phone hand mime, but instead he called a friend whose call he missed. So we called the hotel, and they apologized and said they would send someone to meet us, they were just a few minutes’ walk away. So we got out of the car and told the idiot driver to piss off, and luckily a woman fetched us outside a building five or so minutes later and walked us to the guest house. It was ridiculous. Also, it wasn’t on that main street like its address says; it is down a little alley and behind the main street a ways so if you didn’t know the place, you wouldn’t find it. They should have told the idiot driver where to go.
First of all, he drove so slowly. Not cautious-slowly, as I tend to do (haha I don’t drive), but like, 10 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone slowly. Dangerous slowly. Despite traffic in the bustling city, there were no cars for like 200 feet in front of us at any point because he was going turtle paced. We got frustrated very quickly and tried saying ‘go faster please for the love of god go faster’ but he didn’t understand. We tried in Chinese but he also didn’t understand. No one understands any Chinese we say. I said the word for toilet 15 different ways to someone yesterday with every possible tone combo and she still didn’t get it. It’s TWO SYLLABLES, you can at least try to GUESS what I’m saying. Anyway, this guy didn’t get it and wasn’t moved by our hand motions to go go go, so it took forever. But then after like 10 minutes, he got into a turn lane that was going into an attraction’s parking lot. We were like, wtf are you doing. We tried to tell him that that clearly wasn’t right, and he didn’t get it. Finally he realized his mistake and had to make a u-turn and go alllll the way back down where we came from and alllll the way back to where we’d been to continue straight and omg we were FLIPPING OUT. Finally, a half hour later, he got us in the neighborhood of our hotel, but that’s it. He had no idea where it actually was, he had never been there before. The hotel sent a driver who had no idea where they were located. We asked him to call the hotel, we said call hotel call hotel and made the talking on a phone hand mime, but instead he called a friend whose call he missed. So we called the hotel, and they apologized and said they would send someone to meet us, they were just a few minutes’ walk away. So we got out of the car and told the idiot driver to piss off, and luckily a woman fetched us outside a building five or so minutes later and walked us to the guest house. It was ridiculous. Also, it wasn’t on that main street like its address says; it is down a little alley and behind the main street a ways so if you didn’t know the place, you wouldn’t find it. They should have told the idiot driver where to go.
Luckily, the hotel/guesthouse whatever was lovely. I was very concerned when we were walked down the dirty decrepit alleyway past buildings that were falling apart, but the hotel, the Zen Tea House Traveling With, was perfect. And yes, we booked it just because of that amazing name, so our gamble paid off. TRAVELING WITH. TRAVELING WITH WHAT, GUYS? WITH WHAAAAT? I love it. They were nice and apologetic for the hassle of getting there. We said we weren’t paying for the ride, obviously, and they were like okay sure, so that’s nice we didn’t have to fight for that. They also gave us a box of local candy as an apology later, a black sesame brittle thing which is accidentally vegan and quite good. So I forgive them, I just hate that driver.
And the Zen Teahouse Traveling With room was BEAUTIFUL. It was super cheap, like $25 maybe?? And it was nicer than places we’ve paid $150 for in Europe. Just a beautiful, and very zen, room for us to relax. And shower. Oh we showered so good. My hair is so clean. P.S., I need a g-d haircut when we get to a city with a salon with English speakers. It’s TOO MUCH and TOO BIG for this heat and humidity ahhhh.
Anyway, since we just had that night in Guilin, we didn’t have any touristing on our agenda. Guilin itself, at least the city center, is quite shitty, and the nice things to do are outside of it, like mountains and caves. And when you get there, you might as well be going to Yangshuo for the better, bigger, more famous and important version of those sights, which is what Yangshuo is for. And that’s where we were going the next day, for four full days and nights, so we just did literally nothing for our afternoon and evening in Guilin, and it was great. Just relaxed in that lovely room. I really liked that room. It was clean and simple and set up well for my preferred feng shuiness.
Well, of course we had to leave for food. We went to the vegetarian buffet (so many in this country! usually tied to Buddhist temples) at the Nengren Temple complex, about 45 minutes walk away, which was rough in this heat. We were deciding between that one, which opens at 5pm, and the supposedly all vegan one at Tian Fu Lou, which opens at 6pm, and since we were hungry and the Nengren was a tiny bit closer, we went to the earlier one. Guess what. The restaurant was open when we arrived at 5:15pm, but the buffet doesn’t start till 6pm. Thanks, everything on the internet! Ugh. I went to the supermarket and found lots of crackers that all had milk powder (literally everything in this country, from crackers to soy milk, has milk powder added, what gives, I think it’s a conspiracy) and then we just sat in the restaurant and waited. It was worth the wait though! Nothing outstanding among the dishes but solid good food. And lots of it. They had a custom noodle bowl station that I wish I tried but there was just so much.
ugh I wish I could have this now
We saw some RIDICULOUS advertisements and names for things on our wander.
gross
CHINA NO! NOT OKAY
Parts of Guilin were nice, like the view along the river. However, that view only improves as you travel down (up?) the Li river towards Yangshuo, a gorgeous boat ride we would be taking the next day.
i like water
So, at least I got a decent meal out of Guilin, along with a train ride from hell and a car ride from hell. And a perfectly lovely room at the Traveling With, of course. I was sad to leave that room but excited for our next stop, 4 nights in a place that was supposed to be 100x nicer. Spoiler, it wasn’t. But that’s for next time.
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Moscow, Russia: A Bustling City of Landmarks, Police, and Barricades
I honestly still don’t know how I feel about Moscow. We spent four days there, and saw all the things we wanted to see in four days, and I just feel like I don’t have a handle on the city. There’s a lot going on and every area feels like a different city or even country. The center is really fancy, with every high fashion design house and jewelry company represented on polished streets. But 10 minutes outside the center, and by the train stations, it looks like how we’d imagine Russia at the collapse of the Soviet Union. It’s all very incongruous, and not being able to grasp the correct mood of the city made me feel uneasy. Although, it could just be because of the P.O.S. hostel we stayed at!
We left St. Petersburg Wednesday night at 11:55pm on the famous Red Arrow sleeper train, Train #001, for Moscow. This was our first real leg of the Trans Siberian (or Trans Mongolian…or Trans Manchurian…we’re going to Mongolia & China so it’s like both/all/I don’t know). Oh we met some older tourists earlier that day or the day before who were Russian but lived in Miami. They asked what we were doing in Russia and we said “We’re doing the Trans Siberian Railway!” and the Russian Miami lady said “Oh is that a Jewish thing?” Like first of all what. Second of all what Russian person doesn’t know about their train system? Thirdly who says anything like that to 3 strangers who are combined only 1/6 Jewish? Was so weird! Who doesn’t know what the Trans Siberian is when you are IN Russia? So now every time we are faced with any sort of new thing we go “Oh is that a Jewish thing?” Amazing. So anyway, on our St. Petey-Moscow sleeper, we were in second class but it was the fanciest darn train I’ve ever seen. (What on earth is first class like!) I boarded with my teeth already brushed, my face already washed. I hurried to the bathroom in the train-provided slippers to take out my contacts and put on my pajamas, and then I was ready to snuggle into my clean white-sheeted bottom bunk when…our stranger cabinmate arrived! Second class means cabins of four beds, and we were three people, so we had a STRANGER! His name was Ivan and he was a Russian man, mid-30s I’d say. He was super nice and friendly and spoke enough English to get by with us, but that meant he was up for chatting AND he had a friend in the next cabin who came in and sat with us! On our beds ughhhh. It was after midnight and I wanted to sleep and I was so tired from all we’ve been doing and these two Russian guys were drinking and chatting for hours with the two American boys while I did the head-conk sleepy thing I used to do in Statistics. I mean trying to stay awake so strangers can drink and talk in your room after midnight when one of them isn’t even supposed to be there and in the best case you can only get like 6 hours of sleep and you have a HUGE day of sightseeing to do the next day isn’t exactly my idea of fun. But I’m weird like that.
Still, it was a beautiful train and a great experience – one which really spoiled me for the subsequent train journeys this trip, but we’ll get to that later. On this fancy train, they gave slippers and toothbrushes and little water bottles and breakfast cookies (not for me but still). Even though we didn’t get enough sleep, we were excited enough by our arrival in Moscow to charge through a whole day of stuff. We arrived at the train station which is in one of the not-nice areas and I was like oh hot damn, we’re not in Kansas anymore. We made our way to our hostel, which was luckily centrally located in the nice part of the city, so its location was 100% responsible for its high online rating. 7 minute walk from the Bolshoi Ballet, 15-20 from Red Square. The location was responsible for all its internet points, because it was a p.o.s. The teenagers ‘working’ there, and I use that word loosely, barely did anything at all. It was an ordeal to get them to do their job, like put toilet paper in the shared bathrooms. One of the guys working a few night shifts I think was just hanging around because he was the boyfriend of one of the actual employees. It was all very ridiculous and unprofessional. Speaking of those shared bathrooms, one for each sex, they each had one communal hand towel by the sinks. Those towels were not changed more than once in our four day stay. Husband said the men’s remained on the floor in a puddle the whole time. Worst of all, they didn’t have a water cooler or purifier like the last hostel did. We aren’t supposed to drink the tap water so we had to buy sooo much plastic. Ugh. All of this doesn’t even compare to how rude the other guests were. Loud talking all night, music, hell one guy was playing his ukulele at all hours and even though I really like the ukulele I think he put me off the ukulele for the near future. What a shame. But the winner was the guy who was skyping for three hours one night, seated at the small desk right outside our door. He had the loudest voice I’ve ever heard in my life and was a ridiculous person, talking about his views on Ukraine and how he wanted to protest something while in Russia and I was like omg you really are an idiot. When it got past midnight and we were still clearly hearing every painful word of his through our closed door, I went out and was like ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? He moved to a standing wander outside the men’s dorm which I think went over with them equally well. I’m so glad to be done with that place (although I’m writing this from a tiny tiny train cabin shared with two strangers and what I would give for that private room right now.
The first thing on our agenda was to see Red Square, but Husband missed being away from work for so long apparently because the first thing we actually did in Moscow was meet his colleague at the Moscow office of his firm for coffee lololol. Really nice guy! I had two bottles of law firm water for free!
Red Square
GUUUUM
After dropping our bags, we immediately set out for Red Square. That’s the big f-ing thing to see, right? We wanted to see it straight away! (Look how British!) But the politzia had other things in mind. The entire area surrounding the Red Square was barricaded off and black sedans did what seemed like speed tests back and forth in front of the Four Seasons. People who spoke a little English said it was because that day marked an important day in Russian history, but I don’t know how the fake car chases help to celebrate it. With the entire central region cordoned off, it meant we could not get to the Red Square, St. Basils Tomb, the State History Museum, the Kremlin, Lenin’s Tomb, GUM (the department store that was the subject of literally every practice sentence in our first semester of Russian – “Where are you going?” “I’m going to GUM!” “Where can I buy souvenirs?” “You can buy souvenirs at GUM!” – so it was what we were most excited about in all of Moscow, I think. Pro tip, you can’t actually get souvenirs at GUM; it’s a super swanky mall now with every expensive designer you can think of represented, plus endless ice cream carts. We’ve never seen so many people constantly eating ice cream as we have in Russia). Our entire Moscow list was suddenly unavailable to us! So we decided to use that unfortunate turn to go out to the burbs to pick up the rest of our train tickets from the company we used to book them. (You can book them yourself, but we are on such a specific schedule, and it’s summertime so the routes fill up, so we didn’t want to risk it. Also, so far all our trains have been full, so it was worth it.)So at least we got that over with, but we still hadn’t seen really any of the city yet!
State HIstory Museum
Later that afternoon, we decided to try again, but nope, barricades everywhere you turn. Luckily, one of the guards at the barricades (you at the barricades listen to THIS! no one is coming to help you to fiiiiiight you’re on your oooown you have no frieeeends <– literally the meanest lyric in all of musical theatre) was able to communicate to us that Red Square itself was now open, but the gates remained all around – except for in one roundabout area which we directed us to. A little more walking (we’re walking like 10 miles a day erma my po po feet)and we finally made it to what we came for.
Mixed up files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler
The Red Square is impressive, mostly because of St. Basil’s Cathedral, the famous onion domes you know. It’s a lot smaller than we expected, but super gorgeous. We went inside immediately, and it’s surprisingly not a big hall like most other churches but is made up of tiny chapels and little staircases and alleys connecting all these disparate parts. I didn’t care much for the inside, especially after being blown away by the inside of the Church on Spilled Blood in St. Petersburg, but it’s still St. Basil’s and so famous and important so go if you want. The outside is where it’s at though.
One entire side of the square is GUM, one is the State History Museum (which Husband went to when I needed a morning off from museuming which was the best decision maybe I ever made), one is Basil’s, and one is the walled off border of the Kremlin, plus Lenin’s Tomb. We wanted to go to Lenin’s Tomb right after Basilypuddy but for some reason it was closed off. The guard said just ‘closed today’ and open tomorrow. The Tomb has very specific, short hours – just 10-1pm – so we were upset that we would have to fit it in another day. Guess what. It took four days of trying before it was actually open. “Historical days”, “Graduation”, more “Graduation” – guards over the next three days had all kinds of excuses ready for us as to why it was closed when it wasn’t supposed to be. So frustrating. When we finally got in, on our very last day, it was an hour and a half wait! 90 minutes in line just to see an embalmed body?
Not Lenin’s tomb but at Lenin’s tomb
Weird stuff inside guys
Oh that’s right, Lenin is literally displayed in a glass case (of emotion) like it’s an open casket at a funeral. He looks like he just died. They are embalming the crap out of him. It’s sooo weird. I knew he was like mummified somehow but I didn’t expect it to just be like ‘here, it’s a body like normal, except dead for decades’. I made several emoji faces during our hurried walk around the glass case (the many guards usher you along quickly (also no pictures allowed of course, would be too weird)) and I think the guards were laughing at me. It was so weird. I wonder if this was Lenin’s wish or if it was decided after he died. I hope his ghost isn’t like freaking out over being a tourist attraction. So weird.
Guarding Moscow’s Eternal Flame outside the Kremlin. Strangely this is a popular place for newlyweds to take photos – and indeed we saw some doing just that!
Inside the Kremlin – Cathedral Square
Another day was dedicated entirely to the Kremlin. Okay guys, if you are planning to go to Moscow soon and visit the Kremlin – which you should if you are there – know that it is an absolute shitshow to get in. Well, first of all, we had to change our designated day for visiting that due to “Graduation” a few times too! Moscow was entirely a city of barricades and police activity, always unexplained to the populace. I think it’s just the goings on of a police state, like they are constantly reminding the citizenry that they don’t have free reign, that the police are the ones with power and have the control here. It really seemed that way to me. Everywhere we went, we encountered barricades and had to replan. It was really annoying and one of the top reasons I wouldn’t want to live in this city. It was a constant onslaught of police activity and being told you can’t do certain things.
Senate building (maybe)
Garden in Kremlin
So, when we finally got to go to the Kremlin – it requires a whole afternoon – we were relieved, before we realized what it took to get in. First, you wait in the longest line for the ticket hall. Guess what, the main tickets are sold at separate windows from extras like the Diamond Fund (the crown jewels, which you want to see), so once you go through the entire line, you have to get in another line to get the extra bit tickets. This happens a lot. Luckily, I went to scope out the inside situation when we were still a good 45 minutes away from being inside the ticket hall (who knows how long from a cashier) and I noticed almost-empty ticket machines in the corner. We of course used those for the main tickets and we saved a good hour. Why was no one using the machines! Crayballs. And someone said you could buy Diamond Fund tickets at the actual building inside, so we hoped they were right. Like most big attractions so far in Russia, once you wait in the line to buy your tickets, you have to wait in another line to get in the attraction. This one was even worse than the ticket line, not because of length but because of tour groups pushing and shoving. It was another absolute shitshow. Russian queues make British people turn to dust. They just push and crowd and have no regard for anyone who may have been there first. So we forgot everything we learned in London and pushed right back. We made it to the severely backed up metal detectors and noticed that most of them were going unused as people just went through the central ones, causing most of the backup. Peeeeopleeeee.
CANNONBALLLLL
Luckily, once you’re in, it’s fine, as long as you stick to the specified walking paths – the guards mean BUSINESS. Anyone who stepped off the path or crossed streets not at a designated crossing had loud whistles blown at them until they got back on the straight and narrow. There were constant whistles.
now that’s a cracked bell
Kremlin just means fortress, not government building, but Moscow’s famous government fortress has made the word stand for it as well. It’s a huge expanse of land behind those walls, with various Senate buildings, Congress halls, monuments of tanks and cannons…and like 8 cathedrals. It’s different to have most of your government grounds be cathedrals! But that’s what we’re here to see! Endless cathedrals! They were the things you can really go inside (of course you can’t go in like the Senate) so hooray for them.
We also were indeed able to buy tickets inside the actual Diamond Fund. These were some crown jewels, man. So beautiful. Of course no pictures allowed here either, but I distinctly remember my favorite thing besides the super giant diamonds. They had this brooch that was a bunch of flowers, made of diamonds and gold and jewels, that was so pretty. But the audioguide told us what made it even better – it was hollowed out inside so it could be filled with water and fresh flowers could be placed inside! I was cracking up. Can you imagine Catherine the Great wearing a flower brooch pinned to her dress that actually had water and fresh flowers inside?! I like to imagine that she bent over to pick something up and the water spilled out and some court man slipped on it.
Because you’ll be spending a lot of time here, it’s important to bring snacks. They have a few carts of various Russian foods like pireshok, I think, and I was able to grab a trail mix bag. But you can find better snacks on the outside. And bring plenty of water! It was a hot day. Actually every day so far has had moments of heat interspersed between mostly freezing temperatures and then incredibly strong rain storms. What is this weather.
outside Kremlin
Even though I’m already museumed out, it’s literally like the #3 thing we will be doing this trip besides seeing cathedrals and taking trains so I geared up for the Tretyakov gallery. They have a main building and a new annex that I thought sounded like it would be small but it was literally the biggest single exhibit I’ve ever seen. It was 20th century Russian art, charting every new movement that happened, and it took 3 hours to go through. When we were finally done, it let us out to a stairwell that led us into…another exhibit. JFC I was about to scream. It was worse than Caesar’s Palace for keeping you in and not letting you leave! I was in a Bunuel movie and I was NOT AMUSED. It was a decent gallery but come on that’s a lot of museuming.
On our walk to the gallery ahhh
On the way to it though, we found this huge fake ship statue of Peter the Great. This memorial is kind of hilarious and awesome. It’s so big! Its champion was the former disgraced mayor of Moscow so there are rumors that it will be removed but come on, you can’t get rid of this. It’s so fun.
One of the funniest things we did in Moscow was go to the Museum of Soviet Arcade Games! It’s a very happening hipster joint with tons of old arcade games from Soviet times. They are so sad you want to cry but it’s really adorable. They gave us English instructions and a bag of tokens and we tried to play them. Most were super glitchy and frustrating but it was so cool to try them out!
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Moscow also has some gorgeous metro stations. We walked mostly everywhere but Husband made a point to find the most beautiful ones. Our Russian teacher told us about them when she went between semesters. They were pretty cool!
The best part of Moscow was the Bolshoi Ballet, which I’ll write about in another post (theatre reviews! never stopping!) and a mostly vegan restaurant called Fresh that I’m obsessed with (food in another post too). Looking back, we did do a lot of fun things in Moscow, but it was all in this overwhelming sense of unease. It’s a city in a time of change, for sure, and it’s unclear what direction would be best for it (you don’t want that fancy center part to take over and price all the citizens out, but you also want it to grow financially). I definitely felt this unease and it prevented me from enjoying Moscow as much as I thought I would. Maybe it was all the police and barricades, maybe it was the city itself, maybe the hostel, maybe because I was surrounded by people eating ice cream and I couldn’t have any and it was so sad. I think some places you gel with and some you don’t, and that’s fine. Onto the next!
