Vegan Guide to Michelin Restaurants: The Clove Club, London, UKby Randi / August 22, 2016
I was so pumped to finally be seeing “Funny Girl” performed live, to hear in context the classic songs Barbra Streisand made famous and “Glee” made intolerable. Going into “Funny Girl”, the Menier Chocolate Factory (no it doesn’t make chocolate (I know it’s such bullshit (f-ing London))) production now playing at the West End’s Savoy Theatre, I knew to dial back expectations. Every single reviewer I trust (theatre fans and people on the forums, and not reviewers for The Guardian and other b.s. spewers) repeated that our star, Sheridan Smith, is not the strongest singer, and so to be warned. (I mean if anyone saw her turn as Elle Woods, then you know (but her acting is what you come for.)) Sheridan is famous (and infamous – we will get to that) over here in the UK, known for being a great comedian, a good actress, and a decent singer. Okay, that’s fine. Even for musicals where you want the (classic, ingrained-in-our-culture, wonderful) score to be sung with the heft it deserves, they can still be very enjoyable with a lesser singer if the acting is superb. Hell I saw “Evita” with Elena “I’m going to whisper all the high notes but I can dance like a Latina Hough sibling” Roger and I still thought it was great. So I was fully ready to be disappointed that the songs we all know and love weren’t belted to the rafters.
What I wasn’t expecting was that the singing wouldn’t even come close to being the real problem with this show. Not this production, but this show as written. And, yes, consequently the production for just, like, doing the show. Without changing anything! Or issuing a warning! “Funny Girl” needs to come with a freaking surgeon general’s warning because PEOPLE (PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE) it may be the most offensive piece of theatre or, hell, piece of art. It’s definitely the most offensive one I can think of right now anyway! I understand that it is from a very different age, but that doesn’t excuse the decision to do a straightforward revival of it, with no commentary or even nuance to say hey, we know this is crazy and we don’t believe it. It’s not like anyone’s doing a straight remake of “Song of the South” anytime soon. It’s too common for the values espoused in the show to still be held today, so the production and all involved so easily seem to be supporters of its messages instead of critics of them, as everyone with a brain and/or a pulse should be. It played like a PSA from Fox News during its Family Values Hour. Or as an infomercial from the campaign of he who shall not be named. So even though it is an old show, like old for the earth, that’s no excuse, because audiences are being fed the themes straight no chaser and taking them as continued gospel for the insane.
Okay, maybe you’d like to know what these messages are. Well, “Funny Girl” is a very fictionalized tale of Fanny Brice, the legendary actress from the ’20s and ‘30s known for the Ziegfeld Follies and the song “My Man” (not in the musical). It debuted on Broadway in 1964 with the score by Jules Styne and Bob Merrill and book by Isobel Lennart. I know you’re thinking ‘how can it be so anti-feminist if the book was written by a woman’ but hello Palin & Fiorina & Bachmann and the rest of those self-hating toxic beach diapers. (Also she was a COMMIEEEEEEEE!) So we see Fanny, this totally goofy Jewish girl from Brooklyn, trying to break into show business but everyone in her life – her friends, peers, family, and all the old yentas from the neighborhood – keep quoting my girl Shug Avery and telling her “damn you sho is ugly!” and so no one takes her dreams or her talent seriously for a while. Um, side note, I know I’m newer to the earth and wasn’t around, but I’m pretty sure the characterization of Fanny as overwhelmingly goofy physically, and as waddling like a duck/unable to look like a human when she walks because lol so chub, was a decision of the director and production and actors, so ick. I know Real Fanny was a comedian and made some amazingly silly faces as part of that but I don’t think her face was stuck in sideways baby duck face during every moment of her life.
Anyway, Fanny tells the people of horseville that she’s destined for stardom because she is the greatest star of all, in a song called “I Am the Greatest Star of All”. It’s hard to buy it when we haven’t seen her really do anything yet and it isn’t being sung by the greatest singer ever, as it was when Barbra sang it, so just gotta trust her on this one. She gets into vaudeville and her career takes off because she’s so outrageous and funny and untraditional, and she joins the esteemed Ziegfeld Follies, where she soon meets Nicky Arnstein, a suave tall person in a nice suit who is also a gambler and really a shit. (He’s played pretty perfectly by Darius Campbell, who really reminded me of Andy Garcia in “Ocean’s Eleven” #thatmonotonetho) Because he is so tall and suave and she is so disgusting and unlovable, Fanny falls for Nicky hard and is just counting her lucky stars every few seconds that he likes her back. (They sing “People” when they first meet, which I was excited for but it was kind of underwhelming.) No one can believe that anyone could ever love someone as repulsive as Fanny, and all the people in her life pretty much say that to her face, and Fanny can’t believe it either, so she resolves to marry Nicky as fast as she can to prove that she is worth something as a woman, because her stellar career and personal success means bupkis mit kaduchas if she can’t get a man. When she leaves a tour to find him and marry him, she sings to pretty much a random train conductor “Don’t Rain On My Parade”, which in my version she sings to Nicky when she decides not to marry him so she can focus on her career and finding someone worthy of her.
Nicky’s shifty business deals and gambles go up and down, and Fanny supports him through everything. This makes up the bulk of Act II, interspersed with some sort of painful scenes from the Follies and tooooo many numbers with the mother and the yentas and Fanny’s friend Eddie who is in love with her and is soooo the token ‘nice guy’ who thinks that just because he isn’t an outright asshat he is entitled to the thing he’s being sort of ‘nice’ to. I did appreciate “Sadie Sadie Married Lady” if only because I’m currently doing a “Gilmore Girls” rewatch and that’s the name of the episode where Lorelai gets engaged (the first time) and Sookie sings a bit of it (side note, Sheridan looked just like Melissa McCarthy at points! So that was a plus), but in truth it is as horrifying as the rest of the show’s messages. The whole point is how lucky an unattractive woman (obviously she is not really unattractive, not that that matters, but this is how it’s presented) is to find a man, any man, who cares if he’s a shit, and she better lock him down before he realizes that she isn’t a model. Then, when Fanny reaches the heights of success and makes a lot of money, she shouldn’t be proud, she should be ashamed because it makes her dickless husband struggle with being dickless, and her ability to pay for everything he could ever want makes Nicky feel like she’s choking him? Nicky gets sent to jail because of shady business deals and embezzlement, but every single person in the whole show blames Fanny for his crimes, because having a successful wife forced him to commit crimes, pretty much. Nicky leaves her when he gets out of jail because he can’t be suffocated by a wife who is happy to support him, and Fanny and her mother don’t fight the accuracy of his statements. I mean. No. I get that this is old but come the f on Bridget. The moral of this show was literally telling women not to do anything with their lives that could lead to success because it might make your raisin-balled husband feel the sads about his raisins.
When these types of messages are put forward with no commentary, it’s problematic because many people have zero critical reasoning skills. People who are these intellectual blank slates will accept them and swallow them without a second thought and just nod and say okay this is okay, sure sure. Then people who are already terrible people or at least moonlight as terrible people will hear this overt support for outdated, dangerous, and harmful views and they’ll think oh okay, I can make this my day job now. It’s kind of like why I despise “SVU” for normalizing violence against women by showing so goddamn much of it. Even though they are showing it as ‘bad’ and perpetrators get ‘punished’ (maybe/sometimes/never), it still normalizes the occurrence and lets people continue to accept it as just how the world works, without any urging to change that foundational way of operating. Likewise, by having most of the drama rely on accepted forms of misogyny, “Funny Girl” perpetuates this misogyny as just how the world works and that we should follow their lead and not challenge that. I mean she sort of sings a reprise of “Don’t Rain on My Parade” at the end through her tears about Dicky Nicky leaving her but 30 seconds of ‘maybe one day I won’t care about him’ doesn’t make up for 2 and 1/2 hours of wimmins better stay in the kitchen.
What really bothers me is, well, several things. Fanny Brice was a real person, with an incredibly interesting life that is still remembered and revered by performers today. This main depiction of her is a great disservice to her memory, and that’s unbelievably sad and unfair. To say the creators took liberties with the facts is putting it lightly. “Funny Girl” is highly, highly fictionalized, and most of the horrible crap I’ve discussed is part of what was fictionalized. That means the creators of the original Broadway show implemented unnecessary, added misogyny. They thought ‘let’s make a show about this legend in show business, but because she’s a woman, let’s just show part of her success but then make most of the show about how she was so ugly that she thought she could never find a man, and then she meets Nicky and can’t believe her luck that a handsome man wants to be with her because come on all men want is someone pretty so she really is lucky but then she ruins everything because she makes money and gives him everything he wants and he doesn’t have much success and she shouldn’t support their family and be successful because that’s so mean and he feels totally emasculated which is the worst crime on earth and so she drives him into criminal behavior and he goes to jail and it’s all her fault obviously and everyone even her mother and even herself believe that Fanny is to blame for a totally separate fully functioning human being’s bad decisions and like women should just stay at home amiright.’ First of all, fuck all of that. Second of all, Fanny Brice, the real one, was married before she married Nicky Armstein. She was married. Yet the main action of the first act of the musical is every single person in her life absolutely kvelling because a man might actually not vomit at the sight of her! Praise Moses! Why, creators, did that strike you as the necessary change to make when rewriting Brice’s life for the stage? Did it just seem more realistic to you? More realistic than reality? To say ‘well she was no looker so instead of showing how she was so awesome and talented that it didn’t matter or that it doesn’t matter, let’s open with a number about how all actresses just need to be hot, and then make the whole show about how desperate she is for a man to notice her and how lucky she is that a good one does, but then she ruins him and makes him a bad one with her success, he wasn’t bad at the start it was her evil wimmin doings.’ I cannot wrap my brain about the thought process that takes an interesting life and makes it just another bullshit story about how desperate and awful women are.
Next, you know what else was fictionalized? Like everything about their relationship. Nicky was in jail BEFORE they got married – and he was actually married at the time to another woman. So he wasn’t this perfect specimen of a unicorn sent to make her less pathetic or anything; he was the pathetic convicted criminal cheating on his wife from the very start. Nicky happily took Fanny’s money even before they were married. His later gang activities didn’t lead him to turn himself in, as the musical says, as a result of his emasculation by not being able to support his family. No, he continued relying on Fanny’s money in order to fight the charges against him for years. That doesn’t not sound like someone who has a problem using his wife’s money, but I guess to the creators it sounded like someone who should have felt emasculated and ruined because he was letting someone without a penis pay for things.
Almost as importantly, there is no evidence I could find of Brice performing a hilarious wartime number in the Follies as a German Private Schvartz as she does in the musical, which I assume is what “Springtime for Hitler” was based on. It was probably the most painful song in a musical I’ve ever seen. Jfc. Why on earth was this part of “Funny Girl”? DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
God it’s hard reliving this. It’s really sad too because who doesn’t remember loving the movie with Barbra, and who doesn’t love all the famous songs? But at least as shown in this production – which as far as I can find is pretty true to the original musical – it’s disturbing and hugely problematic, especially as society seems to be entering a downturn in progressive views. And it’s not a bad production, the bones of it anyway. The costumes were fine, the lighting was fine, the acting was good. Actually, I remember feeling cheated by the simple choreography. But the story, my god the story. But the audiences are eating this shit up, which really upsets me. Do they just not care about the messages? Or are they in agreement? Do they not even realize what’s being said? Sheridan got many ‘bravos’ and a standing ovation, which a) should be brava and b) I think were for her personal life more than for her performance. She is a good actress, but this was not the role. I know I said some big musical roles don’t necessarily need a great singer if the acting is strong enough, but this show isn’t strong enough to do without a baller voice. But I was happy to see Sheridan after the summer she had. She is well known in the tabloids here, sadly, for fighting with the producers about needing time off when her father got very sick. Since producers only care about money, they allegedly didn’t give her the time she wanted or needed and she quickly unraveled mentally – including onstage. Some lucky ticket holders in the beginning of the summer got to see her perform drunk. Which, since British people are drunk all the damn time, maybe no one really noticed. Anyway, after that she took a few months off and her understudy Natasha Barnes took over. Apparently Natasha was amazing, with a much more appropriate voice for the role. I’m really happy that Sheridan seems to be okay now and getting what she needs, and none of my more substantial problems with the show have anything to do with her.
I honestly think that British people are liking this show because they are just laughing at the name Fanny (fanny is actually slang for vagina here, not kidding) and so they aren’t really paying attention to the story because every time someone says Fanny they cover their mouths and mutter ‘oh tee hee, a proper tee hee’. Really the best part of this show was a blue velvet dinner jacket that Nicky wears at one point.
* * *
AUDIENCE
I’m flabbergasted that they weren’t all horrified. I’m also still bothered by the woman in front of me who brought her 7-year-old daughter. Not only was I scared that this child was learning from the terrible messages of this show, but they also talked the entire time – not just the girl turning to ask questions, which kids do, but the ADULT who is supposed to be the role model for how to behave in the theatre was also turning to the girl every 2 seconds I’m pretty sure to say ‘DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU HEAR THAT?’ jfc.
THEATRE
Um. The bars were selling bagels. That’s super offensive, right? No, they don’t usually sell bagels; yes, I think it’s because this is a ‘jewish show’ to them. I don’t know whether to be more offended by that decision or by the quality of British bagels. The programmes were beautiful though (see picture).
I do have a problem with the theatre owners and the producers, not just here but with all West End shows. The opposite of Broadway’s policy, the policy here is that refunds are not issued if a star above the title is out. That means all the people who bought tickets to see Sheridan over the summer while she was out could not get their money back, as they can on Broadway when the star is out. There is a lotttttt of argument about this policy lately, with people saying that introducing such a policy would be unfair to understudies if people would leave when they were announced. But, in practice on Broadway, few people actually do this; it’s the ones who came only to see the star that really take advantage of it, or someone who already has seen the understudy and was trying again to get the star. The real concern is just that the producers don’t want to lose money. But that’s bullshit. I fully support Bway’s policy and wish that they had it here, because when a star like Sheridan is above the title, producers hike up the prices. If they are charging more because of a name, and then the name is out, you should get your money back if you want it, period. If they don’t want to give you your money back in those situations, then they need to stop having celebrity price hikes.
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Our Lady of Kibeho at Stratford East: Super Interesting Story, Super Uneven Tone
It’s Theatre Thursday! Today’s show is Our Lady of Kibeho, playing at London’s Stratford East theatre until Nov. 2, when I imagine the Virgin Mary will appear to burn it all down.
Like the Catholic Church doesn’t have enough bad PR going for it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Our Lady of Kibeho, the 2014 play written by Katori Hall, was a hit job to make sensible people hate the church’s reps even more vehemently. Faaack, those are some assholes on that stage! If you can get past how absolutely awful 98% of the characters are, you may enjoy Kibeho as it tells the true story (I mean as true a story as people seeing visions of the Virgin Mary can be, no offense but what) of the girls at Kibeho college in Rwanda who saw said visions of the virgin in 1981. Mary showed them predictions of the coming Rwandan genocide, which is incredibly harrowing and infuriating that no one believed them and did anything to stop it, but then again what could they have done to stop it? (Also, query whether it was a self-fulfilling prophesy? Dark.)
In Kibeho, Alphonsine (a very winning Taz Munya), whose father I assume is named Alphonso because otherwise why, but also even if that’s the reason oof, has seizure-inducing visions of the Virgin Mary (you don’t know this but in my head I’m saying it ‘wirgin’ because I just watched a video of a German man speaking). Of course, nobody believes her, because organized religion is largely composed of unbelievably shitty people (see, e.g., 98% of churches in America; the aforementioned Catholic church; &c.). The Father and Sister and Bishop of the school yell at her, which is some BULLSHIRT. Your entire thang is based on just believing what you’re supposed to believe because you, well, just BELIEVE (see, e.g. The Book of Mormon for this sentence put to music) and instead of believing her or really even asking if the girl who keeps having seizures is okay, ffs, you yell at her and sic the meanest mean girls in school on her instead? WHY ARE PEOPLE. Ugh I was so, so angry for most of this show, wanting to sprint up to that stage and punch Sister Evangelique (suchhh a Pose house name!) and Marie-Claire in the face and the Bishop man in their mean faces.
Luckily (?), another girl, Anathalie (I honestly kept thinking they were saying ‘ah, Natalie’ every time) starts having the visions too. They still get bullied and no one else believes them and the other mean girls beat them? and the Sister Pose torments them? I do not get how any of these people can make a claim to be close to god but alas, that’s organized religion. Anyway, luckily (?) Marie-Claire, the Regina George of Rwanda but meaner, starts seeing the visions too and seizuring all about that beeyatch, so the Vatican comes a-calling.
Now, holy shit, truly holy shit, is the Vatican rep the worst man ever. Katori Hall is SAYING SOME SHIT with this muhfucka. He literally stabs the girls during their visions because if they were really having religious visions, they wouldn’t feel pain or whatever. SURE SEEMS LEGIT. Must he, MUST he stab them in the chest for this test? Not the arm? Even the leg? But the chest? As exasperating as that question is (my heart was pounding louder than the show), I have another one for you – what kind of monsters tasked with being in charge of these girls (the sister, the father, the bishop, inter alia assorted fuckers) allows this to happen? UGH THIS IS HOW WE GOT HERE.
Anyway, aside from the fury raging like flames, flames, flames, on the side of my face, this show is pretty interesting. There are scenes, especially the ends of each act, where I was completely swept up in the onstage action, completely oblivious to my loud heart and the loud people around me. There are moments of brilliance, especially among the girls. However, the adults, especially the men, were uniformly weak, but more importantly oddly directed by James Dacre. Instead of sticking to what made sense for their characters (sure they can be total assholes, that’s normal in all plays, but make it make sense in the show), so many lines were delivered as cheap laugh grabs, when it made no sense for the story or the character. Sure, the audience loved it – audience love cheap laugh grabs; they do work – but it took me out of the story and made me into my favorite gif, the one of the little blonde toddler making a ‘what the hell?’ face. I was mimicking that amazing toddler for way too much of this show, at so many confusing, bizarre line deliveries, when it could have otherwise been pretty strong and cohesive, and of course unsettling and disturbing since we know what came next.
INFORMATION
The show is playing at Stratford East, east of London by the Olympic Park, until November 2. There are 4 stalls in the ladies toilet. The stalls are single rows (no center aisle) so if you get claustro get lower-numbered seats (those are nearer the side by the exit. I had an aisle seat of course but on the wrong side, oops).
Gilmore Girls “A Year in the Life”: “Winter” is Coming
Hey Gillies! Can you believe we have finally received the gift of a ‘Gilmore Girls’ reunion? And not just any old reunion, but four extra long movie-like episodes making up ‘A Year in the Life’, all written and directed by the formerly ousted show creator herself, Amy Sherman-Palladino! (Well at least Winter is. I fear Daniel will weasel his way in.) I am so psyched! So psyched and SO FULL OF WILLPOWER, because I have only watched “Winter”, the first 90 minute episode of four revival treats, even though they have been out since last Friday. Can you believe it? I am the williest of powers! I could so easily have watched all 4 minimovies (6 hours! maybe not so easily) but I don’t want to be out of new episodes so quickly. I am savoring this shiz! To help me spread out the watching, I’m going to write about each episode/minimovie/‘season’ one by one, thereby forcing a prolonged watching period. Hey, you might be mocking but who’s got two thumbs and three more whole episodes left to watch?? (*motions ‘this girl’ to absolutely no one*).
“Winter” begins with a black credit screen and audio clips of some of the best and most famous quotes from the series, and I am hooked from the very start. Reminding me of some of my favorite things gets me teary from the get-go, and then of course the first Richard quote they share is “People die…” OOF. This is going to be so hard without the great Edward Herrman as Richard Gilmore. But Luke can waltz! Luke can waltz! I’m not going to Harvard! I had sex but I’m not going to Harvard! Oy with the poodles already!!! I very much approve of this kind of hokey opening that feeds directly to the core fan base. Especially because it leads to Lorelai’s famous skill via the quote: “I smell snow.”
Cut through the snow-covered magical white-aquafaba town (both in terms of snow and race) of Stars Hollow to Lauren Graham sitting adorably on the gazebo drinking coffee, just so perfectly adorable, it made my heart sing! Gilmore is back! But then Rory has to come sit down and ruin everything. Just kidding, I am not contributing to the Gilmore Guys endless roast of Rory Gilmore…per se. I mean she is annoying af, mostly because she doesn’t really do anything but be so goddamn beautiful and have everyone around her except Mitchum Huntzberger tell her what a perfect genius angel she is and now 10 years later she is actually 10x as beautiful. But she has a different voice. My god, why does she have a different voice? Did she go through puberty in her 20s and her balls dropped so now she’s a baritone? So confused! Does pregnancy change your voice as well as your body? I was not aware of that. Pregnancy is gross. So oh yeah Alexis Bledel is a mother; wrap your brain around that one. Oh god I really hope Rory doesn’t get pregnant or have kids in this revival. Oooof. I do not need to see that. She’s totally grossed out by pregnancy/birth anyway, remember from when Sookie was aliening? I mean she’s smart there.
The Gilmore Girls’ first exchange in ‘A Year in the Life’ is exactly what you’d want: They’re sitting on the gazebo, drinking coffee, talking a mile a minute about how Rory looks so perfect after being on a plane, and so the only explanation is that she must have gotten ‘Goop’ed. What a perfect first pop culture reference!!! GOOP! Yes!! Of course Lorelai mercilessly mocks Gwynnie! Lorelai accuses her of doing yoga in the aisles, while Rory argues that she was wearing her compression pumps, Yonah Schimmel Knishes baseball hat, and toothpaste on a face pimple. Okay, let’s unpack this. First of all, yes on compression footwear when flying. Y’all think I’m crazy but I’m just wise. Second, I did NOT know Yonah Schimmel, the purveyor of the best knishes in NYC, made baseball hats? They don’t. I’m saying they don’t. Oh my god I just checked and they DO. Dammit Rory Gilmore!! Why does she know that and I didn’t? I bet you $10 that she never actually had their knishes. Oh I can’t wait to get knishes omg I get to go there in weeks!!! I hope this inclusion in the hottest entertainment of the year saves the knishery from the inevitable destruction of all decent East Village landmarks. Oh and third, no way in hell Rory has toothpaste on her chin in public. Or even gets pimples.
Our first walk-and-talk through the town was pretty wonderful, as we got a recap of all the inane goings-on in the Hollow, like Taylor petitioning for sewers, parking meters that came and went, and the fight to save the phone booth (“But where would Superman change when he had to save the town from Ben Affleck?” liked it). But my first real laugh out loud came courtesy of a Lorelai throwaway line, when Rory was running to Doose’s to find cell reception and called to Lorelai “Aren’t you coming?” and Lorelai, standing still on the corner, said “No I just hit my steps.” This was PERFECTION and gives me sooo much hope for the writing to come. How many of you reading have your days planned out around hitting your FitBit steps? I know firsthand that so many of you do! This cracked me up! If I was the type of person who used the phrase ‘on point’ despite it now having lost all power I would use it now. People are so obsessed with hitting their mark and then of course Lorelai, once she hits it, would just STOP MOVING if possible. I love it!
Why does Lane look 10 years YOUNGER than she did last? Is it because she has a weird haircut or just the incredible genes of Keiko Agena? Unbelievable! Bigger question, why did they make Kirk a heartthrob! He looks amazing! I hate facial hair but it really works on him. This is gross I do not appreciate being made to think Kirk looks okay, Amy Sherman-Palladino you devil! At least they quickly ruined the whole thing by having him say ‘Ooober’ way too many times; that was pretty annoying. But then we’re back on the other hand with the reveal of his pet pig! Dammit Amy!
It’s really weird to imagine Rory as a big time journalist, as she seems to be with all these phones and calls and stuff. And she’s wearing a camel trench coat! A camel trench signals big time journalist more than anything! I can’t wait to see what she’s actually doing. Is she successful? Are her extra phones just toys to keep her entertained? I know mine are.
But there’s no more time to worry about Rory because PAUL ANKA IS THERE! PAUL ANKA IS ALIVE! I knew he would be (HE HAD TO BE! HE HAD TO BE!) but seeing him in the house just made me squee like a puppeh lover. Oh my god I’m so happy. And YASSS LUKE LIVES IN THE HOUSE! LUKE AND LORELAI ARE TOGETHER! Thank god. They better not put them through any bullshit in this revival. It’s coming though, isn’t it? Of course it’s coming. Dammit Amy!
Guys I love Paul Anka so much. Apart from my own real life baby dogs and their friends that I like, I think Paul Anka is my favorite dog in the entire world.
Um so Paul! Rory has a boyfriend! Named Paul! Immediately, I think of ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ when Emma Stone is dating a very very extra nerdy Josh Groban (who is not at all nerdy in real life thankyouverymuch) and we see immediately that they can’t last. Paul is a nerdier, lesser Josh Groban in that great movie. I hope that doesn’t mean that Rory ends up with Logan because he’s the closest to Ryan Gosling that we have in the Hollow. Paul’s entire purpose is to make us remember how terrible the Girls can be, but also how funny. His whole thing is that he’s so boring, so bland and milquetoast (p.s. as kids how many of you thought that was milk-toast and was a breakfast item no not me either) that no one remembers anything about him. Luke and Lorelai don’t remember his name or that they’ve met him several times, and Rory doesn’t even remember that they’ve been dating for more than a few months, let alone two years ffs! It’s cruel and it makes me horrible to like it but I liked it. I love when Paul and Luke are discussing antique wrenches in the kitchen, and after Paul leaves Luke says, “I just forgot the entire conversation we just had.” Lolol Luke got a funny! Don’t judge, I really do feel so bad for how mean they are to Paul but it’s kind of hilarious. I hope Rory cuts him loose soon, but the odds are low because she is quite inconsiderate.
Well hello, more evidence of Rory’s inability to think of anyone but herself! Lorelai wakes up from her scary dream (I don’t even want to talk about how gross and dumb that recurring nightmare is) and hears banging. She finds Rory tap-dancing in the kitchen to calm her nerves – in the middle of the night. Goddammit Rory. This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. I mean come on. There’s no way anyone would think it’s okay to TAP DANCE in the middle of the night. No one is that stupid and inconsiderate, not even Rory Gilmore. I mean I cannot even fathom why Amy wanted this to happen. Are we really supposed to hate Rory even more, or think she’s that stupid? Or did Amy just really want to feature some good old-fashioned terrible tap dancing? Like, Sutton Foster is in one of the episodes, right? If Sutton is on this show and doesn’t tap, but Rory does, I’ma be hella pissed.
I loved loved Lorelai and Luke’s banter as they got ready for bed. It was everything I wanted from them that we were never given in the series, just seeing them normal and adorable while throwing around loving barbs, ending with them calling each other ‘Oscar’ and ‘Felix’ without missing a beat. It was great. One thing I realized, though, is that we’ve never ever heard them say they love each other. I honestly bet that despite 10 years together they haven’t yet, and it’s not just that they haven’t shown us. I really want them to. And I hope we see evidence of better communication skills. After all these years, there’s no way they would still be making all the same mistakes of hiding every single damn thing they think and feel from each other to the detriment of their relationship. Of course they will hide lots, but not every single damn thing after all these years of learning how to communicate better! Ugh I know better than to trust Amy with this though.
I love how typical it is for Luke to give all the customers different fake wifi passwords. And I love how the ‘No Cell Phones’ sign has evolved into all sorts of new rules against hipster behavior. The first scene in the diner was perfect. Taylor being annoying as usual, Kirk being weird as hell. I really enjoyed when Lorelai threw a stranger’s bagels at Kirk and then paid said stranger for new bagels, and the stranger just laughed. It was fun to see someone outside the universe react to her as normal humans would, in total amusement. I love that the picture Luke used of Rory on the back of the menu (‘so proud’) was like the very first picture of her in the series. And I’m sorry, I know it makes me a terrible person, but I adore all this horrible Paul stuff in the diner. They forgot he was in the house? Then they forgot he was in the diner after only a minute? Lorelai and Rory are such terrible people! I love it! I mean I often hate it but right now I love it. It’s too funny. And Rory has never been better than she was when she left the diner, only to run back in a few seconds later and pretend that she had been waiting for Paul to get out of the bathroom. I laughed too hard. The lingering shot on the empty table as we realize that Paul is still there was perfectly done.
We’re apparently on a nonstop highlight tour of all the most important spots in the Gilmore universe, because after quickly running through the town square, Doose’s, Lorelai’s, and the diner, we’re at the Dragonfly Inn! It’s just like old times with Michel complaining to Lorelai as they walk through the inn. One of the best reveals so far is that Michel is gay. We all knew but to finally, finally acknowledge it is wonderful, especially to do so in such a nonchalant way – him complaining to Lorelai about his husband and his aversion to children with a fantastic line: “We could be walking by the well that Timmy fell down and he’d throw a penny in.” I love how it captures Gilmore Girls’ pop culture references, sharp humor, and meanness. Michel, one of my favorite characters in the whole series, is in top form in this short intro to the main Dragonfly scene. “Isn’t that what boarding school is for, so you don’t have to live in a good school district?” and “’Hold this. What do you feel?’ Well now there’s spittle on my Brioni suit, so, rage?” were both classic Michel. He is the best.
What’s not like old times is that the Dragonfly is housing really cool chefs as they put on short pop-up restaurants – or try to, before Lorelai throws them out for not being Sookie. Sookie, we learn from Lorelai and Michel’s arguing, went on a six-month sabbatical…a year ago, and an obviously upset and heartbroken Lorelai refuses to accept the loss, by refusing to let any chef take control of Sookie’s kitchen. Although I hate when characters I normally like are completely and utterly impractical and unreasonable, I really liked how Lorelai was now mirroring Sookie’s annoying refusal to fill her own head chef position when she needed to go on maternity leave back in season 5. Remember in 5.19, when Sookie needed to go on bedrest but she had not yet provided Lorelai any assistance on hiring her temporary replacement, so Luke had to fill in last minute? And Sookie was at 1000% Sookie-annoyance levels, giving Luke an exasperatingly hard time about making sure to copy her cooking exactly, without showing him any gratitude for saving their asses or showing Lorelai any remorse for leaving her in the lurch like this? Well, seeing Lorelai behave just as stubbornly and irrationally trying to fill the position now kind of made me forgive past-Sookie the tiniest bit for not apologizing profusely to Lorelai back then. Two peas. I don’t know how intentional this connection was, but it felt strong to me.
We get our first (it better not be our only) Gypsy treat sighting when she ‘accidentally’ calls Lorelai. Sure, accidentally. One of my favorite things to know now when I rewatch is that Rose Abdoo played Gypsy as if she was in love with Lorelai. It’s so fun to watch with this in mind. Gypsy takes this opportunity to tell Lorelai that her car – her same old broke ass car – is not finished yet because the necessary parts have not yet arrived on a Delorean. I admit it’s kind of tired to still be talking about Lorelai refusing to upgrade her same old broke ass car but I enjoy it.
The highlights tour continues with Friday Night Dinner at the Gilmores! Although, of course, now it is only Emily’s. Oh jesus, this is going to be so sad, isn’t it. Edward Herrman was such a force. At the very least, without him present, the animosity between Emily and Lorelai stands out even more strongly. Rory is not strong enough to be a buffer without the presence of her grandfather. As usual, Lorelai annoyingly pushes Emily too far and a fight erupts, necessitating a flashback to Richard’s funeral four months prior. Tom Waits (so I’m told) plays as we see the three girls sit in silence in the limo and then the service. Zero words accompany this entire scene, and it’s so moving. The table near where the priest is speaking has books and pictures and the Chuck Berry record that Rory brought to him last time he was in the hospital, which was a nice if brutal touch. The picture taken at Richard and Emily’s vow renewal is blown up, the one when they’re dancing to “Bill”, and ugh that’s brutal too.
Post-funeral, at the reception, I love that Luke is fixing things around the house. And Emily’s face after Lorelai says she’s staying despite Rory needing to leave was the happiest we’ve ever, ever seen Emily. So it was immediately clear that something really truly terrible was coming, because Emily doesn’t smile like that. I mean, yes we’re at Richard’s funeral but I mean terrible between Emily and Lorelai. When night falls and only the stragglers/closest friends are left, Emily asks everyone to share their favorite Richard story. Unfortunately, Lorelai is drunk…and doesn’t have any? I find this hard to believe, because although they had a very tumultuous relationship, we’ve seen many, many great moments between her and her father. I mean ffs she could have just talked about how they were being cheated on the Inn’s insurance plan and he redid the entire thing and took on their account. There’s one I just thought of in 2 seconds. Or what about when she thought her parents were moving to Stars Hollow but they were really there buying a house for her? That’s a really easy one to spin to show Richard in a great light. Or how supportive they were of Rory any of the million times they were. So, considering I am now thinking of tons of things she could have said about her father, I really wish they had just made Lorelai drunker, because nothing else explains it. Not even grieving or being caught off guard, because she had a good five minutes while others talked to come up with something instead of awkwardly climbing over the guy in the wheelchair. There’s no way she would have shared the ridiculous story she shared unless she was plastered, and Lauren Graham was not playing her plastered, so it was all very frustrating and annoying, especially when it’s supposed to be the main dramatic plot point of the episode. UGH.
So, of course, after this debacle, Emily is furious and she and Lorelai fight in the kitchen. This extended, nonstop shot of their argument is epic. They say so much and it’s so long, it must have been so hard to shoot but everything about it is perfect. When Emily shouts “I just lost my husband!” and Lorelai breaks down responding “I just lost my father!”, it was like ah finally this is the stellar acting we require from these two. Just so impressive, that whole scene. After the argument, Emily kicks Lorelai out of the house, beginning a months-long spell of silence between the two. Obviously Emily would be furious, but I just wish the reasoning behind all of this was stronger. I just ugh I don’t buy it, Lorelai. Whyyy couldn’t you think of anything else?
I could have done without Digger.
Luckily, Rory does something right and convinces her mother to make amends with Emily, which brings us to one of the best scenes ever. Lorelai arrives in present day at her mother’s house, only to find the maid and her entire extended family (and all the related children) packing up all the Gilmore’s carefully chosen, expensive possessions, from knickknacks and clocks to clothes and furniture, while Emily oversees everything in – gasp! – jeans. Emily of the famous ‘Don’t wear jeans’ mindset is wearing Lorelai’s old jeans and a Candie’s baseball tee. Oh man was this a vision. So it turns out Emily, like 90% of the world, was taken in by Marie Kondo’s The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying Up, when you hold everything you own and toss it if it doesn’t bring you joy. Emily, naturally, finds that nothing brings her joy, so all her stuff is going. Kelly Bishop is magical in this scene, sending off the dining room chairs with a deadpan “They don’t bring me joy.” So hilarious! And it provided a great way for Lorelai to reconnect with her mother, by reminding her that nothing is going to bring her joy right now, and losing all her stuff might make things harder. Emily snaps out of her reverie and starts ordering all her belongings be brought back. It’s a perfect scene.
Ohhh but then there’s another perfect scene, with my favorite character ever: my idol, Paris Gellar. Luke and Lorelai are in a doctor’s office exploring the option of surrogacy, when we hear that familiar bossy bitchy voice cut through to the waiting room and realize, oh shit, this is Paris’s business. Paris is like the most successful person in the country and I’m like YEAH SHE IS. She is the greatest. If Hillary can’t be president at least Paris can be winning at life. It’s unfortunate that this scene shows how poorly Lorelai and Luke communicate, because they clearly want a child but won’t admit it to the other. And also they don’t like when things are hard, so better to just ignore it. eye roll eye roll eye roll. Come on guys!
In a very forced squeezing of as many characters as possible into one scene, Kirk Ooobers Rory and Paris (who didn’t plan to meet up but ran into each other at the Diner? Sure.) to Lane’s house where the band is playing. Um okay I am just going to accept all this coincidence as part of the magic of the Stars Hollow universe because a) Lane’s accident babies Steve and Kwon are like, 9 years old now and adorable!!! And b) Hep Alien is actually good! When did they get good? I always hated Hep Alien because I despised Zack (and why is he the lead singer when Sebastian Bach is there?) but they really sounded good here and I loved it. Seeing Brian and Gil (!) again made me so happy. I hope that’s not all we get from them, because I really want Brian to be with one of the Korean cousins. Oh my god I can’t wait to see Mrs. Kim!!!
There’s so much going on (it is twice as long as a normal episode!) that I almost forgot about a main storyline – Rory working in London! Rory flies back and forth to London seemingly every other day (who is paying for that?) despite not having a job. Why would so much of her job-seeking involve 24-hour trips to London on the regs? We see her have a very confusing lunch with an older British woman who is nothing like any British woman I’ve ever met. This Miss Shropshire – apparently the former teenage beauty queen of Shropshire because that is a county and not a last name – is bold and brassy in the manner that would make a man in a 1950s movie complain about how she ‘cannot be contained!’ har har but today just makes me wonder, hey where are your shoes. She stops the waiter in the stuffy old members-only-looking restaurant every time he passes with a plate, and makes jokes to Rory about how food tastes better when it’s ‘stolen’. Um, sorry Miss Steer of the Year, but just because those weren’t the dishes you ordered doesn’t mean they won’t be on your bill…? So odd. Why would Rory want to write a book with this woman? Also why is this woman worth writing a book about?
We cut to Rory reviewing the lunch conversation in a super swanky apartment to someone off camera. Whose apartment is this, we wonder as she continues to talk about what a character Miss Shropshire is and how she is just wild, and just as we remember again to ask ourselves, who is paying for all of this?, out comes MISTER LOGAN HUNTZBERGER. I literally gasped when he walked out. I kind of love that they have a ‘what happens in Vegas’ arrangement, it is so them, especially when Rory has a boyfriend. I never shipped Rory and Logan (I always hated Logan) but I kind of want them together now because these assholes deserve each other. I really did love seeing him walk into that room though, that was a superbly done twist.
We end with Lorelai, Luke, and Paul Anka dressed as Luke (!! squeeeeee !!) in the town square for another Stars Hollow Winter Wonderland fiesta or some such small town nonsense that happens every week, and Lorelai gets a call from Emily. It seems sweet, as Emily thanks Lorelai for suggesting she see a therapist and gushes about how well it’s going. Okay, Lorelai, what is going on? She would so immediately recognize that Emily is up to her old tricks again, because when has Emily ever thanked her for anything? I really am flabbergasted that Lorelai doesn’t suspect anything, even when Emily suggests that Lorelai come to a session just to meet the therapist. Lorelai seems so happy and touched that her mother would want this…I mean…who is this person? Even Luke realizes right away that Emily just tricked her into joining her for therapy! I find it hard to believe that Lorelai would go one minute without suspecting her mother’s motives, because she always has an ulterior motive. Oh jeez. I cannot wait to see their therapy session.
Okay so it seems like the big question from this episode, aside from why Lorelai is actually worse than Bridget Jones when speaking in public, is why in the name of Paul Anka did Rory send boxes of her possessions to the homes of everyone she knows? Some went to Lorelai’s, some to her grandmother, some to Lane, some to Paris, SOME TO LOGAN IN LONDON?? What the hell! Was there a multi-destination discount at the post office? Rory is not as smart as they want us to believe. Seriously, there better be a good reason for her to have scattered her possessions around the globe in the next three episodes, because just having her unable to find what she’s looking for due to her own idiotic decision making skills at UPS would be pretty unsatisfying. If this storyline isn’t explained well, I think it may go down as the dumbest, most frustrating plot point in the history of television. Yes, more stupider than when “Once Upon A Time” explained “Frozen” by having Anna in a box in the ocean for 20 years or something I don’t even know. Maybe not as dumb as that. But dumber than most things.
Overall I was giddy throughout this episode. Everything felt right, especially after the slightly off-kilter tone of Season 7. I have high hopes for the rest of the new episodes but also lots of fear. I just know Amy is going to try to pull some dumb shit on Lorelai and Luke instead of letting them grow. And I am sad that we only (reportedly) get one Sookie scene and one Mrs. Kim scene. And not nearly enough Miss Patty and Babette! I need more townies!!
Fashion report:
Cut through the snow-covered magical white-aquafaba town (both in terms of snow and race) of Stars Hollow to Lauren Graham sitting adorably on the gazebo drinking coffee, just so perfectly adorable, it made my heart sing! Gilmore is back! But then Rory has to come sit down and ruin everything. Just kidding, I am not contributing to the Gilmore Guys endless roast of Rory Gilmore…per se. I mean she is annoying af, mostly because she doesn’t really do anything but be so goddamn beautiful and have everyone around her except Mitchum Huntzberger tell her what a perfect genius angel she is and now 10 years later she is actually 10x as beautiful. But she has a different voice. My god, why does she have a different voice? Did she go through puberty in her 20s and her balls dropped so now she’s a baritone? So confused! Does pregnancy change your voice as well as your body? I was not aware of that. Pregnancy is gross. So oh yeah Alexis Bledel is a mother; wrap your brain around that one. Oh god I really hope Rory doesn’t get pregnant or have kids in this revival. Oooof. I do not need to see that. She’s totally grossed out by pregnancy/birth anyway, remember from when Sookie was aliening? I mean she’s smart there.
The Gilmore Girls’ first exchange in ‘A Year in the Life’ is exactly what you’d want: They’re sitting on the gazebo, drinking coffee, talking a mile a minute about how Rory looks so perfect after being on a plane, and so the only explanation is that she must have gotten ‘Goop’ed. What a perfect first pop culture reference!!! GOOP! Yes!! Of course Lorelai mercilessly mocks Gwynnie! Lorelai accuses her of doing yoga in the aisles, while Rory argues that she was wearing her compression pumps, Yonah Schimmel Knishes baseball hat, and toothpaste on a face pimple. Okay, let’s unpack this. First of all, yes on compression footwear when flying. Y’all think I’m crazy but I’m just wise. Second, I did NOT know Yonah Schimmel, the purveyor of the best knishes in NYC, made baseball hats? They don’t. I’m saying they don’t. Oh my god I just checked and they DO. Dammit Rory Gilmore!! Why does she know that and I didn’t? I bet you $10 that she never actually had their knishes. Oh I can’t wait to get knishes omg I get to go there in weeks!!! I hope this inclusion in the hottest entertainment of the year saves the knishery from the inevitable destruction of all decent East Village landmarks. Oh and third, no way in hell Rory has toothpaste on her chin in public. Or even gets pimples.
Our first walk-and-talk through the town was pretty wonderful, as we got a recap of all the inane goings-on in the Hollow, like Taylor petitioning for sewers, parking meters that came and went, and the fight to save the phone booth (“But where would Superman change when he had to save the town from Ben Affleck?” liked it). But my first real laugh out loud came courtesy of a Lorelai throwaway line, when Rory was running to Doose’s to find cell reception and called to Lorelai “Aren’t you coming?” and Lorelai, standing still on the corner, said “No I just hit my steps.” This was PERFECTION and gives me sooo much hope for the writing to come. How many of you reading have your days planned out around hitting your FitBit steps? I know firsthand that so many of you do! This cracked me up! If I was the type of person who used the phrase ‘on point’ despite it now having lost all power I would use it now. People are so obsessed with hitting their mark and then of course Lorelai, once she hits it, would just STOP MOVING if possible. I love it!
Why does Lane look 10 years YOUNGER than she did last? Is it because she has a weird haircut or just the incredible genes of Keiko Agena? Unbelievable! Bigger question, why did they make Kirk a heartthrob! He looks amazing! I hate facial hair but it really works on him. This is gross I do not appreciate being made to think Kirk looks okay, Amy Sherman-Palladino you devil! At least they quickly ruined the whole thing by having him say ‘Ooober’ way too many times; that was pretty annoying. But then we’re back on the other hand with the reveal of his pet pig! Dammit Amy!
It’s really weird to imagine Rory as a big time journalist, as she seems to be with all these phones and calls and stuff. And she’s wearing a camel trench coat! A camel trench signals big time journalist more than anything! I can’t wait to see what she’s actually doing. Is she successful? Are her extra phones just toys to keep her entertained? I know mine are.
But there’s no more time to worry about Rory because PAUL ANKA IS THERE! PAUL ANKA IS ALIVE! I knew he would be (HE HAD TO BE! HE HAD TO BE!) but seeing him in the house just made me squee like a puppeh lover. Oh my god I’m so happy. And YASSS LUKE LIVES IN THE HOUSE! LUKE AND LORELAI ARE TOGETHER! Thank god. They better not put them through any bullshit in this revival. It’s coming though, isn’t it? Of course it’s coming. Dammit Amy!
Guys I love Paul Anka so much. Apart from my own real life baby dogs and their friends that I like, I think Paul Anka is my favorite dog in the entire world.
Um so Paul! Rory has a boyfriend! Named Paul! Immediately, I think of ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ when Emma Stone is dating a very very extra nerdy Josh Groban (who is not at all nerdy in real life thankyouverymuch) and we see immediately that they can’t last. Paul is a nerdier, lesser Josh Groban in that great movie. I hope that doesn’t mean that Rory ends up with Logan because he’s the closest to Ryan Gosling that we have in the Hollow. Paul’s entire purpose is to make us remember how terrible the Girls can be, but also how funny. His whole thing is that he’s so boring, so bland and milquetoast (p.s. as kids how many of you thought that was milk-toast and was a breakfast item no not me either) that no one remembers anything about him. Luke and Lorelai don’t remember his name or that they’ve met him several times, and Rory doesn’t even remember that they’ve been dating for more than a few months, let alone two years ffs! It’s cruel and it makes me horrible to like it but I liked it. I love when Paul and Luke are discussing antique wrenches in the kitchen, and after Paul leaves Luke says, “I just forgot the entire conversation we just had.” Lolol Luke got a funny! Don’t judge, I really do feel so bad for how mean they are to Paul but it’s kind of hilarious. I hope Rory cuts him loose soon, but the odds are low because she is quite inconsiderate.
Well hello, more evidence of Rory’s inability to think of anyone but herself! Lorelai wakes up from her scary dream (I don’t even want to talk about how gross and dumb that recurring nightmare is) and hears banging. She finds Rory tap-dancing in the kitchen to calm her nerves – in the middle of the night. Goddammit Rory. This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard. I mean come on. There’s no way anyone would think it’s okay to TAP DANCE in the middle of the night. No one is that stupid and inconsiderate, not even Rory Gilmore. I mean I cannot even fathom why Amy wanted this to happen. Are we really supposed to hate Rory even more, or think she’s that stupid? Or did Amy just really want to feature some good old-fashioned terrible tap dancing? Like, Sutton Foster is in one of the episodes, right? If Sutton is on this show and doesn’t tap, but Rory does, I’ma be hella pissed.
I loved loved Lorelai and Luke’s banter as they got ready for bed. It was everything I wanted from them that we were never given in the series, just seeing them normal and adorable while throwing around loving barbs, ending with them calling each other ‘Oscar’ and ‘Felix’ without missing a beat. It was great. One thing I realized, though, is that we’ve never ever heard them say they love each other. I honestly bet that despite 10 years together they haven’t yet, and it’s not just that they haven’t shown us. I really want them to. And I hope we see evidence of better communication skills. After all these years, there’s no way they would still be making all the same mistakes of hiding every single damn thing they think and feel from each other to the detriment of their relationship. Of course they will hide lots, but not every single damn thing after all these years of learning how to communicate better! Ugh I know better than to trust Amy with this though.
I love how typical it is for Luke to give all the customers different fake wifi passwords. And I love how the ‘No Cell Phones’ sign has evolved into all sorts of new rules against hipster behavior. The first scene in the diner was perfect. Taylor being annoying as usual, Kirk being weird as hell. I really enjoyed when Lorelai threw a stranger’s bagels at Kirk and then paid said stranger for new bagels, and the stranger just laughed. It was fun to see someone outside the universe react to her as normal humans would, in total amusement. I love that the picture Luke used of Rory on the back of the menu (‘so proud’) was like the very first picture of her in the series. And I’m sorry, I know it makes me a terrible person, but I adore all this horrible Paul stuff in the diner. They forgot he was in the house? Then they forgot he was in the diner after only a minute? Lorelai and Rory are such terrible people! I love it! I mean I often hate it but right now I love it. It’s too funny. And Rory has never been better than she was when she left the diner, only to run back in a few seconds later and pretend that she had been waiting for Paul to get out of the bathroom. I laughed too hard. The lingering shot on the empty table as we realize that Paul is still there was perfectly done.
We’re apparently on a nonstop highlight tour of all the most important spots in the Gilmore universe, because after quickly running through the town square, Doose’s, Lorelai’s, and the diner, we’re at the Dragonfly Inn! It’s just like old times with Michel complaining to Lorelai as they walk through the inn. One of the best reveals so far is that Michel is gay. We all knew but to finally, finally acknowledge it is wonderful, especially to do so in such a nonchalant way – him complaining to Lorelai about his husband and his aversion to children with a fantastic line: “We could be walking by the well that Timmy fell down and he’d throw a penny in.” I love how it captures Gilmore Girls’ pop culture references, sharp humor, and meanness. Michel, one of my favorite characters in the whole series, is in top form in this short intro to the main Dragonfly scene. “Isn’t that what boarding school is for, so you don’t have to live in a good school district?” and “’Hold this. What do you feel?’ Well now there’s spittle on my Brioni suit, so, rage?” were both classic Michel. He is the best.
What’s not like old times is that the Dragonfly is housing really cool chefs as they put on short pop-up restaurants – or try to, before Lorelai throws them out for not being Sookie. Sookie, we learn from Lorelai and Michel’s arguing, went on a six-month sabbatical…a year ago, and an obviously upset and heartbroken Lorelai refuses to accept the loss, by refusing to let any chef take control of Sookie’s kitchen. Although I hate when characters I normally like are completely and utterly impractical and unreasonable, I really liked how Lorelai was now mirroring Sookie’s annoying refusal to fill her own head chef position when she needed to go on maternity leave back in season 5. Remember in 5.19, when Sookie needed to go on bedrest but she had not yet provided Lorelai any assistance on hiring her temporary replacement, so Luke had to fill in last minute? And Sookie was at 1000% Sookie-annoyance levels, giving Luke an exasperatingly hard time about making sure to copy her cooking exactly, without showing him any gratitude for saving their asses or showing Lorelai any remorse for leaving her in the lurch like this? Well, seeing Lorelai behave just as stubbornly and irrationally trying to fill the position now kind of made me forgive past-Sookie the tiniest bit for not apologizing profusely to Lorelai back then. Two peas. I don’t know how intentional this connection was, but it felt strong to me.
We get our first (it better not be our only) Gypsy treat sighting when she ‘accidentally’ calls Lorelai. Sure, accidentally. One of my favorite things to know now when I rewatch is that Rose Abdoo played Gypsy as if she was in love with Lorelai. It’s so fun to watch with this in mind. Gypsy takes this opportunity to tell Lorelai that her car – her same old broke ass car – is not finished yet because the necessary parts have not yet arrived on a Delorean. I admit it’s kind of tired to still be talking about Lorelai refusing to upgrade her same old broke ass car but I enjoy it.
The highlights tour continues with Friday Night Dinner at the Gilmores! Although, of course, now it is only Emily’s. Oh jesus, this is going to be so sad, isn’t it. Edward Herrman was such a force. At the very least, without him present, the animosity between Emily and Lorelai stands out even more strongly. Rory is not strong enough to be a buffer without the presence of her grandfather. As usual, Lorelai annoyingly pushes Emily too far and a fight erupts, necessitating a flashback to Richard’s funeral four months prior. Tom Waits (so I’m told) plays as we see the three girls sit in silence in the limo and then the service. Zero words accompany this entire scene, and it’s so moving. The table near where the priest is speaking has books and pictures and the Chuck Berry record that Rory brought to him last time he was in the hospital, which was a nice if brutal touch. The picture taken at Richard and Emily’s vow renewal is blown up, the one when they’re dancing to “Bill”, and ugh that’s brutal too.
Post-funeral, at the reception, I love that Luke is fixing things around the house. And Emily’s face after Lorelai says she’s staying despite Rory needing to leave was the happiest we’ve ever, ever seen Emily. So it was immediately clear that something really truly terrible was coming, because Emily doesn’t smile like that. I mean, yes we’re at Richard’s funeral but I mean terrible between Emily and Lorelai. When night falls and only the stragglers/closest friends are left, Emily asks everyone to share their favorite Richard story. Unfortunately, Lorelai is drunk…and doesn’t have any? I find this hard to believe, because although they had a very tumultuous relationship, we’ve seen many, many great moments between her and her father. I mean ffs she could have just talked about how they were being cheated on the Inn’s insurance plan and he redid the entire thing and took on their account. There’s one I just thought of in 2 seconds. Or what about when she thought her parents were moving to Stars Hollow but they were really there buying a house for her? That’s a really easy one to spin to show Richard in a great light. Or how supportive they were of Rory any of the million times they were. So, considering I am now thinking of tons of things she could have said about her father, I really wish they had just made Lorelai drunker, because nothing else explains it. Not even grieving or being caught off guard, because she had a good five minutes while others talked to come up with something instead of awkwardly climbing over the guy in the wheelchair. There’s no way she would have shared the ridiculous story she shared unless she was plastered, and Lauren Graham was not playing her plastered, so it was all very frustrating and annoying, especially when it’s supposed to be the main dramatic plot point of the episode. UGH.
So, of course, after this debacle, Emily is furious and she and Lorelai fight in the kitchen. This extended, nonstop shot of their argument is epic. They say so much and it’s so long, it must have been so hard to shoot but everything about it is perfect. When Emily shouts “I just lost my husband!” and Lorelai breaks down responding “I just lost my father!”, it was like ah finally this is the stellar acting we require from these two. Just so impressive, that whole scene. After the argument, Emily kicks Lorelai out of the house, beginning a months-long spell of silence between the two. Obviously Emily would be furious, but I just wish the reasoning behind all of this was stronger. I just ugh I don’t buy it, Lorelai. Whyyy couldn’t you think of anything else?
I could have done without Digger.
Luckily, Rory does something right and convinces her mother to make amends with Emily, which brings us to one of the best scenes ever. Lorelai arrives in present day at her mother’s house, only to find the maid and her entire extended family (and all the related children) packing up all the Gilmore’s carefully chosen, expensive possessions, from knickknacks and clocks to clothes and furniture, while Emily oversees everything in – gasp! – jeans. Emily of the famous ‘Don’t wear jeans’ mindset is wearing Lorelai’s old jeans and a Candie’s baseball tee. Oh man was this a vision. So it turns out Emily, like 90% of the world, was taken in by Marie Kondo’s The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying Up, when you hold everything you own and toss it if it doesn’t bring you joy. Emily, naturally, finds that nothing brings her joy, so all her stuff is going. Kelly Bishop is magical in this scene, sending off the dining room chairs with a deadpan “They don’t bring me joy.” So hilarious! And it provided a great way for Lorelai to reconnect with her mother, by reminding her that nothing is going to bring her joy right now, and losing all her stuff might make things harder. Emily snaps out of her reverie and starts ordering all her belongings be brought back. It’s a perfect scene.
Ohhh but then there’s another perfect scene, with my favorite character ever: my idol, Paris Gellar. Luke and Lorelai are in a doctor’s office exploring the option of surrogacy, when we hear that familiar bossy bitchy voice cut through to the waiting room and realize, oh shit, this is Paris’s business. Paris is like the most successful person in the country and I’m like YEAH SHE IS. She is the greatest. If Hillary can’t be president at least Paris can be winning at life. It’s unfortunate that this scene shows how poorly Lorelai and Luke communicate, because they clearly want a child but won’t admit it to the other. And also they don’t like when things are hard, so better to just ignore it. eye roll eye roll eye roll. Come on guys!
In a very forced squeezing of as many characters as possible into one scene, Kirk Ooobers Rory and Paris (who didn’t plan to meet up but ran into each other at the Diner? Sure.) to Lane’s house where the band is playing. Um okay I am just going to accept all this coincidence as part of the magic of the Stars Hollow universe because a) Lane’s accident babies Steve and Kwon are like, 9 years old now and adorable!!! And b) Hep Alien is actually good! When did they get good? I always hated Hep Alien because I despised Zack (and why is he the lead singer when Sebastian Bach is there?) but they really sounded good here and I loved it. Seeing Brian and Gil (!) again made me so happy. I hope that’s not all we get from them, because I really want Brian to be with one of the Korean cousins. Oh my god I can’t wait to see Mrs. Kim!!!
There’s so much going on (it is twice as long as a normal episode!) that I almost forgot about a main storyline – Rory working in London! Rory flies back and forth to London seemingly every other day (who is paying for that?) despite not having a job. Why would so much of her job-seeking involve 24-hour trips to London on the regs? We see her have a very confusing lunch with an older British woman who is nothing like any British woman I’ve ever met. This Miss Shropshire – apparently the former teenage beauty queen of Shropshire because that is a county and not a last name – is bold and brassy in the manner that would make a man in a 1950s movie complain about how she ‘cannot be contained!’ har har but today just makes me wonder, hey where are your shoes. She stops the waiter in the stuffy old members-only-looking restaurant every time he passes with a plate, and makes jokes to Rory about how food tastes better when it’s ‘stolen’. Um, sorry Miss Steer of the Year, but just because those weren’t the dishes you ordered doesn’t mean they won’t be on your bill…? So odd. Why would Rory want to write a book with this woman? Also why is this woman worth writing a book about?
We cut to Rory reviewing the lunch conversation in a super swanky apartment to someone off camera. Whose apartment is this, we wonder as she continues to talk about what a character Miss Shropshire is and how she is just wild, and just as we remember again to ask ourselves, who is paying for all of this?, out comes MISTER LOGAN HUNTZBERGER. I literally gasped when he walked out. I kind of love that they have a ‘what happens in Vegas’ arrangement, it is so them, especially when Rory has a boyfriend. I never shipped Rory and Logan (I always hated Logan) but I kind of want them together now because these assholes deserve each other. I really did love seeing him walk into that room though, that was a superbly done twist.
We end with Lorelai, Luke, and Paul Anka dressed as Luke (!! squeeeeee !!) in the town square for another Stars Hollow Winter Wonderland fiesta or some such small town nonsense that happens every week, and Lorelai gets a call from Emily. It seems sweet, as Emily thanks Lorelai for suggesting she see a therapist and gushes about how well it’s going. Okay, Lorelai, what is going on? She would so immediately recognize that Emily is up to her old tricks again, because when has Emily ever thanked her for anything? I really am flabbergasted that Lorelai doesn’t suspect anything, even when Emily suggests that Lorelai come to a session just to meet the therapist. Lorelai seems so happy and touched that her mother would want this…I mean…who is this person? Even Luke realizes right away that Emily just tricked her into joining her for therapy! I find it hard to believe that Lorelai would go one minute without suspecting her mother’s motives, because she always has an ulterior motive. Oh jeez. I cannot wait to see their therapy session.
Okay so it seems like the big question from this episode, aside from why Lorelai is actually worse than Bridget Jones when speaking in public, is why in the name of Paul Anka did Rory send boxes of her possessions to the homes of everyone she knows? Some went to Lorelai’s, some to her grandmother, some to Lane, some to Paris, SOME TO LOGAN IN LONDON?? What the hell! Was there a multi-destination discount at the post office? Rory is not as smart as they want us to believe. Seriously, there better be a good reason for her to have scattered her possessions around the globe in the next three episodes, because just having her unable to find what she’s looking for due to her own idiotic decision making skills at UPS would be pretty unsatisfying. If this storyline isn’t explained well, I think it may go down as the dumbest, most frustrating plot point in the history of television. Yes, more stupider than when “Once Upon A Time” explained “Frozen” by having Anna in a box in the ocean for 20 years or something I don’t even know. Maybe not as dumb as that. But dumber than most things.
Overall I was giddy throughout this episode. Everything felt right, especially after the slightly off-kilter tone of Season 7. I have high hopes for the rest of the new episodes but also lots of fear. I just know Amy is going to try to pull some dumb shit on Lorelai and Luke instead of letting them grow. And I am sad that we only (reportedly) get one Sookie scene and one Mrs. Kim scene. And not nearly enough Miss Patty and Babette! I need more townies!!
Fashion report:
- Obviously Emily wearing Lorelai’s old torn jeans is the big fashion story. It was actually shocking to see, which made it so much funnier. Never do it again! Too weird!
- I love Lorelai’s pink coat and Rory’s whole first look in the opening. They look exactly right. Rory’s whole professional style is so profesh journalist and great. Dammit Rory. Her hair is perfect too.
- Luke looks so much better without the baseball hat now, whereas when he was younger he looked so much better with it on. Interesting. Aging is yucky. His flannel shirt looks like a tent now too. Huh.
- Lorelai’s puppy pajamas!!! Yass!!!
- PAUL ANKA DRESSED AS LUKE
- CESAR’S HAIR OMG CESAR’S HAIR
