Show Boat on the West End: Top-Notch Production of a Classic Showby Randi / August 16, 2016
*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it.
Recently, Husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary! Although the traditional gift is cotton, we decided we’d be okay with food instead. (We decided this last year too, and next year.) We quickly came up with The Clove Club after I was informed that eating tubs of soft serve from Yorica! probably isn’t a smart idea. Located in Shoreditch’s Town Hall, The Clove Club is only a few years old and a favorite of super hip people. To make sure people know how super hip it is and how special you have to be to get in, you don’t make a reservation per se; you buy tickets online to the ‘event’ of your dinner, well in advance. So we had tickets to the show a few weeks ago, on a Tuesday evening at 7ish, and it went past 11pm because it was a tasting menu at a Michelin-rated restaurant (one star) and that’s what they do that’s what they do.
The Clove Club shares sample tasting menus on their website, and lists a vegetarian option, which is a great start considering none of these restaurants (except Alinea) ever use the v-word without prompting. The sample vegetarian menu is heavy on dairy and eggs, but they assured us that they could easily make a vegan menu of equal quality. WE’LL SEE. (No they did, it was great.) I have no f-ing clue how many courses this is going to be, because we ordered the extended menu (which you can see; I love the restaurants that give you your personal menu like you’re a goddamn king) but like all such places, they send out a number of ‘snacks’ first that they don’t include on the menu and I forget what anything is the second I’m done eating it. Oh well.
When we arrived, various people led us to our little table in the little dining room, which was decorated simply. I didn’t notice any famies but then again I don’t know British celebrities at all. All the good ones go to American anyway amiright!! Our waitress was fantastic, and immediately confirmed that I was une vegan. I wish I remembered her name but all I remember is that she was from Sicily. She was seriously the best wait person I have encountered ever in this country. Give her a raise, Clove Club.
Sicilia (I’m just gonna call her that) immediately asked if we wanted still or sparkling water, so, plus 1 on the water issue getting handled quickly! To that question, I usually respond ‘tap’ because they are always trying to trick you into buying a bottle when they ask that question. Angry face! No one should have to pay for water! Luckily, Husband answered before I had the chance to embarrass us with my answer, because fancy clean water was included in our already-paid bill. Phew! They probably would have asked me to leave. Husband likes sparkling water and I like still, so they brought us bottles of both and kept refilling them at a very impressive pace. Bravo! Finally! Sicilia also confirmed that Husband was doing a wine pairing while I was getting a soft pairing! I had completely forgotten about that! This is the first time I’ve ever heard a restaurant offering beverage pairings with each dish for anything other than alcohol, so this was so exciting. Then she brought us cold towels like you might get on planes if you are a fancy person. I liked that they were chilled because it is summer (sort of), but I wonder if they give warm towels in the winter. That sounds like it would be nice.
Sicilia (I’m just gonna call her that) immediately asked if we wanted still or sparkling water, so, plus 1 on the water issue getting handled quickly! To that question, I usually respond ‘tap’ because they are always trying to trick you into buying a bottle when they ask that question. Angry face! No one should have to pay for water! Luckily, Husband answered before I had the chance to embarrass us with my answer, because fancy clean water was included in our already-paid bill. Phew! They probably would have asked me to leave. Husband likes sparkling water and I like still, so they brought us bottles of both and kept refilling them at a very impressive pace. Bravo! Finally! Sicilia also confirmed that Husband was doing a wine pairing while I was getting a soft pairing! I had completely forgotten about that! This is the first time I’ve ever heard a restaurant offering beverage pairings with each dish for anything other than alcohol, so this was so exciting. Then she brought us cold towels like you might get on planes if you are a fancy person. I liked that they were chilled because it is summer (sort of), but I wonder if they give warm towels in the winter. That sounds like it would be nice.
DON’T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW. or do
Okay so the food! We started quickly with a few tiny dishes, or snacks as they’re called, though I know from “Friends” that they should be called amuse bouches. Thanks television! First off was this freeze-dried yellow tomato ice crumble. I might be completely wrong. But this yellow stuff was definitely vegetable ice, and it was pretty goodl! It melted away sort of like a cross between sorbet and snow. Yeah it was very much like snow. It was really cool and refreshing.
ohneeon skin |
I’ll call you jicama |
The next bouche was a piece of fried onion skin, which sounds mean but it was decent. It tasted like a sophisticated onion ring without the stench of other Outback customers infiltrating it. I liked that it was something different and fun, although yeah it was a piece of ohneeon skin that they just chose not to throw away. Next was like a little sushi piece or wrap, with a thin crunchy vegetable ribbon rolled up with greens and a pate. I forget what the vegetable was; I want to say jicama because it looks like it but it wasn’t that. Whatever, it was a nice little veggie roll-up.
Fun with cookie cutters!
The last of our little snacks was hot! This star-shaped veggie patty was deeeelicious! I could have eaten 100 of ’em! It had a very thin outer layer and was soft inside, like a fried jawn you’d keep in the freezer for children. As a childlike person, I really enjoyed it. And it was a fun shape!
We were brought a basket of bread by this point, with olive oil for me. Like other Michelin restaurants who give you bread, the olive oil was the best I’ve had in a long time, probably since the last such place. The bread was good but it was cold. Well not cold but room temperature, I guess. If it was slightly warm it would have been off the chiz.
We were brought a basket of bread by this point, with olive oil for me. Like other Michelin restaurants who give you bread, the olive oil was the best I’ve had in a long time, probably since the last such place. The bread was good but it was cold. Well not cold but room temperature, I guess. If it was slightly warm it would have been off the chiz.
We’re on to the main event(s)! First up for me was a salt baked white beetroot, that they had grown in their special garden and sliced into thin ribbons. I’m loving all these ribbons, guys! I didn’t know you could make white beetroot; I thought the main identifying aspects of beets were that they were red and tasted like dirt. These were excellent though, and salt baking sounds like a great way to cook them. The white ribbons were mixed with hazelnuts and burnet, which I learned is a salad herb, and dressed up with little edible flowers. It was a truly beautiful dish, and a nice start to the main meal. My soft pairing here was so perfect for me it was like they researched me in advance – green juice! I forget the exact components but I think it had cucumber, parsley, and lemon.
Next was a salad of bobby beans, which I never heard of before, but apparently they’re just green beans, which I don’t count as beans, actually; I count them as vegetables. Regardless, this was the only sign of bean/protein in the entire meal, which is expected at nonvegan restaurants like this but disappointing. Definitely something these restaurants have in common and all need to work on. Anyway though, this was a very good little salad, with the green beans mixed with incredibly fresh and delicious peach, almond pieces, and something called manjimup truffle. The only manjimup I found while googling is a place is Australia, so I guess it’s a fancy way of saying imported truffle? I f-ing love truffles. Pour truffle oil on all of my food. I like it less so when it’s just sliced raw pieces because their immense flavor doesn’t fully come out that way, but even so I feel like Cathy Z. Jones when I am served it, so yeah still good. Ooh my soft pairing here was a cold Earl Grey tea with lavender, I think. Really good!
|
Next was the standard you would expect when any and every nonveg place caters to a vegan – baked aubergine, or eggplant for you ‘mercans. Unlike the endless conference/wedding meals of crappy baked eggplant topped with bland tomato sauce, this version was wonderful. The tiny eggplants were cooked well and covered with herbs and a thin, tasty green tomato sauce. RG! My soft here I thiiiink was the apple juice, slightly greenified. Yum!
|
|
As a little interlude in the meal, we were served a summer herb broth that was a million times more incredible than it should have been. This liquid was denser, flavor-wise, than anything I can remember ever eating, and each sip was like an enormous garden boiled down to a teaspoon. It really was great. I’m like the vegan version right now of what I imagine people who rave over bone broth are, except not a damn idiot.
CORN HAIR
The first course in Act II I think is my favorite, just because while being delicious it was also fun and kind of hilarious. The Scottish girolles, Michelin restaurants’ favorite mushroom, were grilled wonderfully and served with kale and sweetcorn. Then it was all topped with CORN HAIR! I find this so darn funny! I ate the corn hair, naturally, and it was pretty good so I do think I was supposed to eat it. Every component of this dish was great: kale is always welcome on my plate; the sweet corn tasted like perfect creamed corn down south; and the girolles were lovely. Yay fun great dish! Oh, you can sort of see in the background a little cup of red? That was my soft pairing, and while I couldn’t finish it, it was the most perfect pairing – red pepper and gochujang juice! Unlike my experience at the Just V Fest, this wasn’t just pure (chili) pepper; it was tempered with other fruits and vegetables, but it was pretty powerful and really just awesome, especially with the gochujang. I can’t do a lot of red pepper though before I start feeling sick, so the last sips went to Husband, who really enjoyed it. I just love this pairing idea because red pepper goes so well with corn! And corn hair!
One of the few times our courses resembled each other’s happened next, with the consomme. Mine was mushroom, and between this and the summer herb broth, I’m pretty sure The Clove Club has the best broths in the entire world. Such good liquids! And you know I love liquid! What put it over the top, though, was how it was served. The alcohol guy came over, not the waiters, with our soups and a bottle of 100-year-old Madeira. A small amount of the Madeira was poured into a big glass, and then swished around so it coated the glass, and then we were instructed to drink the bit that was left before the consomme was poured in. That way, we had the Madeira taste in our mouths and it was coating the glass, so it augmented the flavors of the consomme, which was amazing, deep and mushroomy. I don’t like alcohol but this was a really cool way to jazz up consomme while also making the diner feel super g-d special! I mean hell it was A HUNDRED YEARS OLD and the little amount they gave me probably cost like $200 or something crazy. Fire that son of a bitch up and throw it at my head!
Groatsy boatsy oatsy floatsy
My last savory course was this great pile of oat groat risotto with courgette (zucchini) and sunflower seeds. I knowwww you’re thinking, omg another dish of hot wet rice (risotto) at a fancy pants restaurant? I know because I thought it too, and always do when I’m presented with hot wet rice, the vegan standard dish all over the world. Le sigh. But this was great! The oat groats made for a nice creative change and helped to earthify the zucchini from being too light and sweet. The courgette flowers fried on top were a nice touch. The only problem was that half the zucchini was cut into thick slabs, which is gross, and thus undercooked. And that one with the little stalk-end still on it should have been cut off. That piece was really undercooked too, which was upsetting. But aside from the too-thick zucchini pieces (just ribbon it, always! otherwise it’s just plain warm zucchini which is usually not tasty), this was a nice dish and I really liked the main groat part.
Next came dessert! Unfortunately, dessert did not meet the higher standards set by the dinner part. What are the two things I always complain about being served for dessert as a vegan? Fruit sorbet, and fruit. And those were the two dessert courses here, sadly. They were still really good and impressive for what they are, but I just can’t help being the tiniest bit disappointed that, in essence, these two very basic things are the best this outstanding restaurant (and virtually all others) can come up with. You should be able to think of something more creative! I understand that the fact that they accommodated me at all is something, and that they can’t think of so many spectacular alternatives when they’re focusing on the main menu offerings, but still I have hope.
Little sorbet treat
At least the sorbet wasn’t lemon or something. It was apricot, and it really was delectable, for sorbet. Served with toasted almonds, a few mint leaves, and more edible flowers, it was beautiful looking and tasting. It was creamier than most sorbets are, so that is good. Okay, this one gets a pass! It really was good.
The second dessert was a lemongrass and berry jelly, which was fine but not worthy of ending the meal. A little too boring, a little too it’s-just-berries-and-jelly. Of course by this point I was seriously full anyway, so whatever.
The second dessert was a lemongrass and berry jelly, which was fine but not worthy of ending the meal. A little too boring, a little too it’s-just-berries-and-jelly. Of course by this point I was seriously full anyway, so whatever.
My last soft pairing was disappointing too. It was an elderflower juice, which normally I love, but it was just too f-ing sweet, cloying really. The rest of the soft pairings were absolutely killer so an off one had to happen, I guess. It’s just too bad it happened at the end. The berries were good, I’ll give them that! However, that little tart thing was for Husband, and I was told that because I don’t get one of those, I was given an extra strawberry piece. UM. That’s pretty lame. Like…that takes balls to offer as a substitute.
Aside from the final course and a few complaints here and there, this dinner really was impressive. All the savory dishes and snacks were delicious and interesting, as was the sorbet, though I hate to admit it. What really saved it after the disappointing finale was that they brought two house-made chocolate bars over for us to take home – and one was actually vegan! Similar places never have vegan chocolate! Huzzah! Totally saved. It was dark chocolate with coffee and biscuits, and I don’t like coffee but couldn’t taste it at all. I think it just enhanced the chocolate flavor. So nice!
Our lovely waitress brought over this little token at the end too, how cute!! She really was the best!
THE CLOVE CLUB, SHOREDITCH, LONDON, UK, EUROPE FOR NOW
Water speed: Amazing!! Great job! And it wasn’t tap but it was included dance dance dance! (I’m very cheap.)
Service: Absolutely wonderful. The best waitress in London by far!
Bathrooms: The bathrooms are downstairs, dark and reminiscent of like a brothel in 1800’s New Orleans. You know what I mean? The lighting was dim, the colors were dark reds and browns, and random cosmetics were scattered on display. A very strange mood going on but it was nice and clean, so whatever! Also I liked that the stall was separated from the sink area, despite being a single serve bathroom. People don’t have to wait outside that way, avoiding the awkwardness that comes from that. Oh the toilet seat was hysterically big and weird! That’s enough.
Food: A wonderful meal overall, with only very few missteps. As with all similar fancy but nonveg restaurants, they really could do to up the protein quotient of the vegan menu. They focus on doing vegetables and doing them very well, and I’m not saying add tofu or seitan or something when they don’t use it for the main diners, but add a bean here or there, ya know? And dessert, at least the final one, really could use some work. Other than that, it was splendid.
Bonus: The restaurant has a great atmosphere and makes you feel so special being there! Be cool like hip Shoreditch people! It was the perfect place to celebrate a special occasion. Oh and the biggest bonus – SOFT PAIRING!!!!
Water speed: Amazing!! Great job! And it wasn’t tap but it was included dance dance dance! (I’m very cheap.)
Service: Absolutely wonderful. The best waitress in London by far!
Bathrooms: The bathrooms are downstairs, dark and reminiscent of like a brothel in 1800’s New Orleans. You know what I mean? The lighting was dim, the colors were dark reds and browns, and random cosmetics were scattered on display. A very strange mood going on but it was nice and clean, so whatever! Also I liked that the stall was separated from the sink area, despite being a single serve bathroom. People don’t have to wait outside that way, avoiding the awkwardness that comes from that. Oh the toilet seat was hysterically big and weird! That’s enough.
Food: A wonderful meal overall, with only very few missteps. As with all similar fancy but nonveg restaurants, they really could do to up the protein quotient of the vegan menu. They focus on doing vegetables and doing them very well, and I’m not saying add tofu or seitan or something when they don’t use it for the main diners, but add a bean here or there, ya know? And dessert, at least the final one, really could use some work. Other than that, it was splendid.
Bonus: The restaurant has a great atmosphere and makes you feel so special being there! Be cool like hip Shoreditch people! It was the perfect place to celebrate a special occasion. Oh and the biggest bonus – SOFT PAIRING!!!!
Related Posts
Vegan Michelin Series: A Return Visit to Clove Club, London’s Highest Ranked Restaurant
For our recent anniversary (aw thanks), Husbo and I returned to one of our favorite fancy restaurants in London, The Clove Club. We celebrated our anniversary there two years ago, and this year we decided to shake our shoulders like Danny Burstein’s adorable Tevye and make a tradition of it. You might recall that last year, we were on a train to Chengdu for our anniversary, which was prettay prettay disgusting. To make up for that (plus 98% of all our train experiences last year), we splurged on this super extravagant dinner again. The Clove Club is one of the few Michelin-starred restaurants in London that will offer a worthwhile vegan tasting menu, so it always comes to mind first when we are considering super swanky restaurants.
One of the first UK restaurants to use the ticketing system, where you pay when you make the reservation, The Clove Club is a ritzy Shoreditch restaurant with an exclusive club-like vibe, located in Shoreditch Town Hall. It has one Michelin star and it’s the UK’s highest ranked restaurant on the World’s 50 Best Restaurants list, at #33. (Last year it was #26, just saying.) (Alinea is #34 so take this list, like all lists/awards, with a dangerous-for-your-blood-pressure amount of salt since that restaurant is extraordinarily better than most of the places ahead of it.)
Also, I believe it’s the only restaurant I’ve ever been to that offers a soft pairing instead of just a wine pairing with your menu. They even say on the website that they do that; it’s not like some secret you have to ask for. Especially in London, where most of the social activity for a non-drinker involves watching everyone else drink till they’re pissed (UK has a serious alcoholism problem but it’s part of the culture so it will remain ignored), it’s great for a non-drinker to have a nice option. In fact, on this visit our waiter told me that not only were they offering a soft pairing, they had two soft pairings available! I could choose between juice and tea, and obviously I chose juice. There were a few missteps in there, but I’ll talk more about that below.
Soon after we were seated, we were asked about our beverages – the wine and the soft pairings, yes, but also whether we wanted still or sparkling water. You know I appreciated getting right to the most important issue – water – without making me take out my big reusable bottle from my bag in a place like this. As usual, I chose still and Z chose sparkling, and the server assigned to our water needs (lol the dream) got confused and gave both of us sparkling for much of the meal. Luckily our main server took over at some point and gave me still. It is hard to chug sparkling and I like to chug!
We were getting the tasting menu, and so the first few dishes sent out were little off-menu ‘gifts’ from the kitchen to amuse our bouches, which are always some of the most interesting bites. I received an adorable tiny crispy cup of green beans and edible flowers that tasted of dill, and even though I tend not to like dill because of food poisoning memories, I loved this. Next up was a little turnip roll, looking like a sushi roll or a baby burrito or something but it was rolled up turnip. Sounds whack, tasted amazing.
My last amuse was a chickpea panisse, and I almost high-fived the waiter who brought it. I was psyched for some acknowledge that vegan proteins exist, and also I just forking love everything made with chickpea flour, like socca, and this was a little bite of socca.
To follow up/erase the little treats, they next brought me melon gazpacho granita as a palate cleanser, though a more interesting one than usual.
At this point in my notes, I wrote ‘Almost a potato but watery’ and I have zero clue what I meant by that or what point in the meal it was supposed to correspond to, if it was related to this meal at all. Recent-past me was very wise though, so I will use the phrase as much as I can.
Next, I was brought one warm tomato. I kind of thought ho boy, is this how it’s gonna be? After that promising chickpea panisse? But it was one warm good tomato, doused with soy sauce, almost a potato but watery, and even though it was hard to eat, I remembered that it’s all about the meal at large at a place like this, not each individual dish. It was served with a fresh cucumber juice, tinged with a little apple and some other subtle hints of this and that to make a really lovely, refreshing cucumber juice. A soft pairing win!
My next course needs no introduction. It was BEANS! I love beans oh how I love beans, especially in fancy restaurants who would love to only give me single tomatoes and no protein. The white beans (the server said cocoa beans?? but no) (I googled and apparently Coco de Paimpol beans are a thing and are whitish so that is probably it; shortening it to ‘coco’ is misleading guys!) were served with impeccably cooked and flavored mushrooms, so it was a dish I often cook myself but made delicious and wonderful. My drink of the moment was a buckwheat iced tea, which I loved because I love buckwheat and really got into buckwheat teas in China last year. It was Bucks County up in here! Calling it another Soft Pairing Win even though it was a tea and not a juice and I thought they were two different routes to take but I guess sometimes they share the path?
The next course was my absolute favorite and brought the whole shibang to another level. I got a little bowl of the freshest herb broth that was like if everything green and fresh and herby was reduced to their strongest, most sublime levels of green and fresh and herby taste concentration and probably mixed with a little magic. It was INCREDIBLE. I mean yeah it was broth, but incredible forking broth. There was a baby potato and a single strand of samphire in the bowl, which was fun to try to get when you were drinking directly from the bowl. I would say the potato in the broth was almost a potato but watery, but it really was a potato. It was served with the greatest piece of solid food ever, too – a cracker of crispy potato topped with white bean puree and amazing grilled mushrooms (but grilled differently from the previous course, I believe). Everything about this course was perfection and I really wanted to shout ‘just give me a million of these, please’ which really should be an option when you are paying this much but alas, I behaved.
Next up to bat, we have a wonderful white beet dish. The beets were sliced super thin and I guess the whiteness instead of the redness means there is no trace of any dirt taste that regular beets often have, and they were topped with slivered almonds. The waiter poured a Greek yogurt (made from almonds) sauce over the whole thing, and it was splendid. It looks like a mess because I didn’t get the picture until after the pouring happened, but whatevs. So good! And I appreciate the perfectly smooth almond yogurt sauce that I like to think they made just for me that night.
While this course was great, the soft pairing was…not. You may remember from my previous Clove Club review that I was given a red pepper juice to accompany a corn-based dish, and the match of red pepper and corn was highly praised. However, I also mentioned that too much juiced red pepper is a lot to ask someone to drink. At this latest meal, the red pepper juice was a weird match for white beet and yogurt, and the giant glass was way too much to ask. I could barely finish two sips before I wanted to barfalomew. Soft Pairing Fail.
Luckily, this was about the time they brought out their superb sourdough bread, so I could get rid of the taste. Their bread is so good we would have happily filled up on it even though everyone always says not to do that, for some dumb reason.
The more substantial ‘main’ dish section of the menu came out now, and my first of these was a grilled baby eggplant with cumin sauce and eggplant caviar. So, not the most interesting or inventive dish, but it tasted great and was well made. Still, given the setting, you’d hope for something more imaginative. I LOVED my soft pairing, though: a steaming hot pot full to the brim of mushroom tea. I drank the whole pot and loved it. The taste was very subtle, almost bland, but that’s okay for tea, and the smell was sensational (just like MUSHROOM and SO STRONG).
The last of the savory courses was one of my favorite parts of the dinner: a plate of maitake mushrooms and broccoli and other greens and leaves served with a courgette (zucchini) puree and a Jura foam. Jura, I learned, is a region of France where they make their own kind of French wine and so this foam was made from that, I guess, but was cooked and foamified so it didn’t taste like or have alcohol. So fancy, so delicious! They really based my meal around cooking mushrooms impeccably and I am down with that.
Unfortunately, my soft pairing for this wonderful course was a big bummer: They brought me a non-alcoholic beer. Okay there’s a lot to go over here. First of all, I said juice pairing. JUICE. Second, you’re assuming that the people not drinking alcohol still like the taste of alcohol. That’s a very bold assumption to make, and one that I don’t think will ever prove true in any situation. Third, you don’t know why I’m not drinking. What if I was an alcoholic and the taste of beer, even without the alcohol, was a big trigger? Fourth, WHO LIKES NON-ALCHOLIC BEER? Literally NO ONE on the planet. Lastly, and most offensive to me personally, this felt exceedingly lazy. We’re paying more than we’ve ever paid for any meal up in here, and someone back there is like ‘hmm, we need a drink for this dish that isn’t alcohol, oh I know, how about just this beer that the alcohol pairing is getting but the non-alcoholic kind! Great! Except not great. Beer is disgusting and non-alcoholic beer is bullshit. SOFT PAIRING FAIL. Ugh thank goodness most of this meal was wonderful because this aspect of it feels really like a slap in the face.
Luckily dessert came next to distract me from my OVERWHELMING RAGE.
And dessert was epic. You know from my past reviews of fancy places that don’t primarily cater to vegans that they often just can’t do dessert. They either buckle under the pressure or they never give a shit in the first place and they go ‘oh here’s a plate of fruit and, if we feel like trying a little, that same fruit made into a syrup or a sorbet ENJOY THAT WILL BE $100!’ But my two desserts (actually, three sort of) from Clove Club this evening were remarkable. Not only were they both interesting and creative, but they were also delicious.
First up was a blackcurrant granita with soy foam and berries. The soy foam was more of a substantial cream and there was more of it than there was granita, so that really saved this from being one of the aforementioned kinds of lazy vegan desserts, as did the fact that it tasted great. The granita was a little too melted underneath the cream, like it was ready in the kitchen before the server fetched it for us, but things happen. There was also a shot of olive oil poured across it, which seems fancy and whimsical but I couldn’t really taste it so that’s just like unnecessary fat but whatever. Oh so for my American readers, blackcurrant is like the most popular fruit flavor in the UK. Husbo keenly observed (he’s so keen) that it’s used as commonly here as grape flavor is in the USA. It’s pretty strange to UK friends that blackcurrant juice et al. is just not a thing in the states. Anyway great dessert. BUT, the real treat of this course was the soft pairing! Thank god they returned with such a strong followup to the Biggest Fail in Soft Pairing History because this blackcurrant and beetroot soda was so incredible, so perfect and delicious with both flavors balanced, that it almost made up for everything. I wish I could buy this soda from them to have at home. And I don’t even drink soda!
But the last dessert was the winner, maybe of the whole meal, maybe at least tied with that herby broth and potato thing. This is the kind of dessert I want to share with all future omnivore restaurants who claim to be able to make me something good. It was a caramel ice cream (WIN) on top of a coffee meringue foam (WIN) on top of potato sticks (WHAT SURPRISE WIN). The potato sticks were exactly like those things we’d get at a Wawa as kids, which I completely forget the name of but could NEVER forget the taste. YOU KNOW like those superskinny shoestring potato sticks (the name was probably Potato Stix lol) and they were so greasy and salty and amazing. Well whoever had the idea of putting them with caramel ice cream and meringue deserves a medal. This dessert was REMARKABLE. And I don’t even like coffee, well I don’t drink it, but in dessert form it was great, especially mixed with caramel. And potato stix. The soft pairing was a pear juice with coffee syrup and it was delicious. Another SP Win.
As is the case with these fancy super long tasting menus, when you think you are finished and you can’t possibly eat another bite of anything, they bring you petit fours with your coffee or bill as supposedly a little treat but at this point it’s like a mockery of your stomach. Unforch, Husbo got the petit fours because they didn’t have vegan versions. However, they gave me a house-made dark chocolate bar, as they did last time, and it’s good chocolate. And since the guy who brought it to me felt bad that I didn’t get the petit fours/knew I was going to mention this on the internet/saw how much I loved chocolate by my face tattoo that says I Love Chocolate, he brought me a second one! So I brought 1.5 very nice dark chocolate bars home.
All in all, this was a spectacular meal that lived up to our expectations and memories of last time. Even though there were a few missteps and a few things that are making my veins pop and not in my forearms like I like, overall it was wonderful. But it is incredibly expensive, and even though it was a special occasion, it feels very strange to spend that much money on a meal. That guilty feeling is stronger than usual now that it’s like end-of-days time and everything is going to shit, so it might have to be the last fancy meal for a while. Or, if it really is end-of-days there is no reason to save our money soooo maybe not. WEIRD ENDING.
CLOVE CLUB, SHOREDITCH, LONDON, UK, EUROPE FOR NOW
Water speed: Pretty good, though not as good as last time and I got a lot of sparkling by accident. I know that sounds like theeeee most entitled bullshit to complain about but that kind of detail is what Michelin stars are given for.
Service: Very nice.
Bathrooms: The bathrooms are downstairs, dark and reminiscent of like a brothel in 1800’s New Orleans. You know what I mean? The lighting was dim, the colors were dark reds and browns, and random cosmetics were scattered on display. A very strange mood going on but it was nice and clean, so whatever! Also I liked that the stall was separated from the sink area, despite being a single serve bathroom. People don’t have to wait outside that way, avoiding the awkwardness that comes from that. Oh the toilet seat was hysterically big and weird! That’s enough. (copied from previous review because it’s the same.)
Food: Splendid! I read over my previous review, and all my food-based complaints seem to have been addressed: the lack of protein was fixed (they could still do more, especially in the two mains, but still, an improvement), the desserts were improved by extraordinary leaps and bounds.
Bonus: Great to have a fancypants restaurant for special occasions/profligate spending when you have no need for money anymore.
Tal Ronnen’s Crossroads: The Best Fancy Vegan Meal In L.A.
Going into dinner at Crossroads, my first ever meal in Los Angeles, I was wary. I knew of Tal Ronnen, famous celebrity chef behind Oprah’s 21-day vegan challenge and Ellen’s wedding, and I was super psyched to finally eat at his fancy well-known restaurant on Melrose (so I could say “We’re going to Melrose” in Ambular’s voice). But I had heard from several people whose opinions I trust, and none of them agreed on whether the food was disappointing or BRE (best restaurant ever). Either the consistency at Crossroads is just nonexistent or some of my friends have the Sookie-preggers-tastebud-crazytimes, but luckily I guess I went on a good night. No, a great night. A freaking fantastic, fabulous night because this dinner was off the chizzz, people, and despite an absolutely stellar week of eating in L.A. (which will be my next like bajillion posts), Crossroads was the highlight among all highlights.
Now, not everything was perfect. Far from it. The service was nicht so good; we will get to that later. Notably, the lighting was not good for pictures, as you will be able to clearly (or blurrily) see. This is really upsetting because the food is so beautifully plated, but I guess they’re of the old-school belief that food is for eating and not photographing. Amateurs. No it’s not a big deal just a warning so you don’t keep shouting ah my eyes! Also, I was seated so I faced the bar, and there was a semi-famous woman sitting directly in my line of vision and I couldn’t figure out who she was! So that was a bummer! I think some sort of Real Housewife or mob wife or some such person I should probably be glad I can’t name. The group at the table next to us had to have been some sort of band or something. One of the guys was a f-ing slob, wearing like dirty pajamas to this insanely nice restaurant, and he was hairier than if Rob Delaney got turned into a woolly mammoth. Like his hair and his beard were on the table. So gross. And another guy was a dead ringer for Noel Fielding, giant witch’s hat and all. They have to be famouses, right? Or is that just how regulars in L.A. are too?
But the food was epic. So epic that I place Crossroads in the Michelin series I write. No, it doesn’t have a star, but you know what? It was much better than some meals that had even multiple stars attached (and it was more expensive erma p gerd) so I’m tagging it as such. CHANGE APPROVED. Also, Husband and I went with two local friends, so it was one vegan and three omnivores. They were all blown away by every course. Like BUHH LOWN away. I was so happy just for that! Let’s get down to it.
But the food was epic. So epic that I place Crossroads in the Michelin series I write. No, it doesn’t have a star, but you know what? It was much better than some meals that had even multiple stars attached (and it was more expensive erma p gerd) so I’m tagging it as such. CHANGE APPROVED. Also, Husband and I went with two local friends, so it was one vegan and three omnivores. They were all blown away by every course. Like BUHH LOWN away. I was so happy just for that! Let’s get down to it.
Little ball of heaven in the back, some necessary greens on the left
The concept is small plates, tapas style, allegedly coming out as each was ready but we realized that the sequence was actually following the menu order, which made more sense than otherwise. The waitress recommended 4-5 dishes per person, and I think we did 3-4 each (all for sharing) and had trouble finishing the final dishes, so keep that in mind. We started with the Charred Ricotta, served with crostini and apricot thyme glaze. I was never a huge cheese person, like I never cried and pissed and moaned about having to give it up like other prospective vegans do at all times, but this new wave of artisan (meaningless) vegan cheese is extraordinary, and this dish was a prime example of it. I don’t know what it’s made of, but unlike the plain whipped tofu I’ve had at other places who call such an abomination ricotta, this was amazing. I wish I could have this dish delivered to my house every single day, but that would be supes gross after a 12 hour flight. And then customs and stuff? Ugh. I’d still eat it.
Our other small starter was the Watercress and Peach Salad, which was refreshing and must have been pretty good considering I don’t particularly like watercress and I had eaten the peach of my liiife the day before. Oh California produce. The salad was tossed with hazelnuts and a mint vinaigrette, which was happily not minty at all. Strong start.
Our other small starter was the Watercress and Peach Salad, which was refreshing and must have been pretty good considering I don’t particularly like watercress and I had eaten the peach of my liiife the day before. Oh California produce. The salad was tossed with hazelnuts and a mint vinaigrette, which was happily not minty at all. Strong start.
|
I can’t get over how blurry these pics are! This salad is total Blursula! Blahhh. But it was so good. And the ricotta oh man. It had like a protective shell and when you broke through it you were rewarded with the best cheese ever. |
Amazingness
Next up was probably my favorite part of the entire dinner, and I think the dish that most impressed by friends. The Artichoke Oysters were served and eaten like oysters, with the little ball of artichoke puree, yellow tomato bearnaise, and kelp caviar over a grilled oyster mushroom and served on a meaty piece of artichoke heart. Oh my goodness, this is the most impressive thing I’ve eaten in a while. Just the sheer creativity of making something like that, and the genius in executing it perfectly, boggles the mind. I’m just obsessed! In the middle was a scoop of seaweed, my favorite thing, but I didn’t realize it until someone else ate it. And I didn’t even care! That’s how good these oysters were. Holy crap. Next time some asshat tries to have an argument about the whole ‘can’t vegans eat oysters they’re plants right?’ just be like why would you eat enlarged bougers when you could eat artichoke oysters?
the rancho carne toros
You’d think maybe after the life-changing events of the ricotta and the oysters, that the 300 subsequent dishes would be slightly disappointing, but you’d be mistaken. Everything was on such a high level, it felt almost criminal to be enjoying it without being Ellen myself. We tried another salad next, the Grilled Romaine, and although it was very difficult to share (being a wedge salad), it was my favorite salad. The grilled lettuce heart was smothered in harissa ranch dressing. I’m not a fan of ranch dressing, never was, even though I went to a college where people put that shit on their pizza. But this ranch dressing in this salad? I’m a convert. Well at least to Crossroads’ ranch. The salad was topped with pickled shallots, heirloom cherry tomatoes, and black olives, all of which nicely cut the heaviness of hot lettuce and ranch dressing. Such a wonderful combination!
Such a good dish for sharing, unless you are eating with me, because I will eat all the damn bread.
Speaking of pizza, the pizza section on the Crossroads menu was really difficult to pass up, but we had a feeling that their fancier-seeming dishes were the heavy-hitters, and we were right. Next we had the basic but delicious Lentil Flatbread, a wonderfully earthy and warm pita-like bread served with little dishes of marinated eggplant, braised banana pepper, and mushroom relish. I honestly couldn’t tell which vegetable was in which pot (I mean by color sure but you know what i mean), but it was all great.
could eat 100
The “Crab Cakes” (their quotes, not mine) were equally good while being a more familiar taste at similarly adventurous vegan restaurants. They were topped with the daintiest amount of tartar sauce and watercress. While the cake itself was really fantastic (I’m guessing hearts of palm? but it doesn’t say in the menu), it needed a lot more of the sauce. I guess we could have asked for some but they’re small bites so you don’t really realize it until after you’ve finished.
We also probably wouldn’t have asked because our initially-fine waitress became the Mona-Lisa-Saperstein WORRRRRRST seriously the worst. At one point, she tried to remove my friend’s wine glass, even though it still had a few sips in in. My friend said she wasn’t done with that yet, and the waitress put it down. But I guess she had been worn down by a terrible audition earlier in the day (probs all actors right?) and so this benign comment instead hit her as criticism of her performance in her day job and at the thought of her being a failure at that too she absolutely shattered, and was a total b word to us the rest of the time. I mean that’s just me guessing but I’m probably right. She rushed us from then on, couldn’t wait to get rid of us so would idle nearby waiting for us to finish a plate so she could quickly snatch it away. Like this was a busy restaurant with lots to do, but she would just watch us, ignoring her other tables, and look perturbed. What a terribleness.
hidden not-really-a-joke was because of ray romano you get it
Luckily, her inability to keep it together did not affect our enjoyment of our meal. No, we’re not done. Next was Grilled Romano Beans, which I’ve never heard of before but everybody likes them right so we ordered them. They were really good, still in their pods and barbecued with balsamic peaches, marcona almonds (those are the fancy almonds right), and black garlic chili vinaigrette. So damn good! That’s a lot of flavors going on but beans are pretty basic on their own so it was all working.
Next was a dish I know all my friends in England are throwing tomatoes at their screens over – the Grilled Fresh Baby Corn. People here just don’t do baby corn, what I can tell you? I can take it or leave it but this dish? I’ll take. I bet it could even turn the naysayers onto baby corn, it was RG. Harissa-spiced, mixed with crispy shallots and corn puree, this dish was so worth ordering, even though when my friend first ordered it I was like “you’re wasting a space on baby corn? why would you waste a space on baby corn?” but it was a good decision.
Our first of the Comforting Classics, as they’re called, was the dish most recommended to me – the Chickpea Cake. It’s a good deal heartier than the smaller plates, and so actually makes this very expensive food seem like a better value. The chickpea patty is served with porcini mushrooms, red spring onions, and sherry demi cream. I don’t know what makes cream ‘demi’ but I really enjoyed the chickpea cake and was glad I followed everyone’s advice. It seems like an entree you’d get at a nice comforting vegan restaurant, or maybe make yourself if you have a lot of time one night. Very solid and delicious.
Onto the last of our Comforting Classics, and the last of our savory dishes (I totally forgot to take pictures of some things in the ruckus of this amazing meal! sorry not sorry! Add like 4-5 other dishes and you’ll get a sense of how much food we ate!). The Scaloppini Milanese was so amazing. It could have easily been a hunk of Gardein or something at a lesser restaurant, but this patty, whatever it was, was incredible, with the perfect texture. The telltale syruppy but thin Milanese sauce took it to the next level, and like everything else here, was wonderful.
On to dessert!!! We were so full that we couldn’t even finish some of the above dishes, but we had to get dessert. I was actually in a place that would give me something other that fruit sorbet and fruit; of course I’m getting dessert! We decided to split two among the four of us, starting with the Peach Upside Down Cake. Proving that their pastry chef is as talented as the head chef, this wonderful cake was warm and full of deep brown sugar. The roasted peaches were just as good as all the other peaches we ate all night and all week (the best peaches in this state!) and complemented by the lemon cornmeal of the cake. The best part was the brown sugar ice cream it was served with, not that it was better than the cake but just because ice cream is my favorite. As such, the dessert I got to choose was the famous Hot Fudge Sundae, which yeah I could make and yeah I could have elsewhere but shush, it was awesome. The vanilla bean ice cream was served on top of a warm brownie (le sigh), mixed with banana fudge, whatever that amazingness is, and topped with hazelnuts and coconut whipped cream. Best sundae ever, yes.
Cake & ice cream! |
Ice cream sundaeee! |
Overall, this was an epic, spectacular meal, definitely one of my favorites ever. It was stupid expensive, but compared to similar restaurants, I think the value was so high that it was well worth it.
Crossroads, Los Angeles, California, US&A
Water speed: Decent. There were a few times when we had to flag people down, but overall it was okay.
Service: What a weird issue! The waitress was a total eggshell plaintiff or something. She just didn’t like us and make it hella obvious. Boo urns.
Bathrooms: I felt like I was in an episode of Gossip Girl when I went to the bathroom. They are small, with two stalls separated by the sink area, and blonde wannabe starlets apparently congregate in the sink area to fix their hair while I try to wash my hands. Their conversation was so hilariously stereotypical of everything L.A. I almost thought it was Improv Everywhere or something.
Food: Incredible! Not one bad note. One of the best meals ever.
Bonus: The atmosphere can’t help but be great, considering the location and the notoriety. Usually more famous people are there than were on my night, but even so, the food is so superb that I didn’t even care that it was apparently the one night of the year that Russell Simmons wasn’t there.
