Valletta, Malta: I Didn’t See One Maltese Dog But It Was Still Nice

After a few days in Seville, Husband and I traveled to Granada, mostly to see the Alhambra. I have to admit, I had no idea about the Alhambra before this trip. How could I have known, when most of my life I thought Granada was a fake camp made up in the song I refer to in the title? (By the way, today I learned that that song won a Grammy.) (So has LeVar Burton which is my favorite random fact.) (Obama has two.) Obviously, I had no idea of the wonder that was in store for me. Not only is the Alhambra even more incredible than you can imagine, but Granada itself was probably my favorite city of our whole trip through Andalusia. Is it because it was the only one with a strong vegetarian restaurant that I really enjoyed? The world will never know. But that wouldn’t change the fact that I had a very enjoyable time. 

  Getting to Granada from Seville was not too much trouble. I was shocked when I saw a standee advertisement for a vegan sandwich in the Seville train station! I would never have guessed. It was just a slab of tofu with tomato and basil and you know what, it was really good. MUCHO GUSTO! ME LLAMO ELLIOTT! So the train journey is about a 3 hours, but the train route at the halfway mark on the journey to Granada has been under construction for several  years. We first had to take a train to Antequera and then a bus the rest of the way to Granada. I was super nervous about the bus because they only have bathrooms onboard in the USA, one of the best things the USA does, so I was so scared about what would happen if I had to pee! I was okay though. Dehydrated but okay. The train part was so nice! We had really good train snacks, including corn nuts (obsessed) and delicious oranges. OH I forgot to say in the Seville post, the famous Seville orange in the beautiful orange trees all over town? Those are not for eating. I took some super-ripe lookers off trees when I could reach them, and they were full of tears. Just so sour and awful and I made babies-eating-lemons face. They are not the oranges you get for eating. I think they are mostly sent to the UK for marmalade! weirdddd. Although I was not impressed by the wild oranges, I was impressed by the newer-looking Renfe trains. They were fast and clean and they even had digital screens announcing the next stop! Amtrak doesn’t do that! Amtrak is for lovers. Anyway, we got to Granada and walked to our hotel. The walk took us up this steep inclined path that was pedestrian-only and looked like it was transplanted from Agrabah, with so much incense burning and all these tapestries and curtains hanging everywhere and tables of sugar dates and figs and pistachios for sale. I of course did not take pictures of this because we were carrying our bags but now I kind of think I was hallucinating. Even if I was, it was my first look at Granada and it was magical. Full of tourists and smelling of disgusting incense (disgusting always), but magical. 

   I quickly learned that Granada is for realsies the Brighton of Spain. There are a lot of dogs, which is very nice (unless they are stray and then I cry), and there are a whole lot of hippies living off the grid and making art, it seemed. But there are also a lot of homeless people, and it was much more noticeable than in Seville and in London, too, where homelessness is an out of control epidemic, so it was really sad to see. Can governments please get their shit together and take care of homeless populations? Why did anyone vote Tory today you idiots?! 

   Before I get to the important sights to see, I have to complain about the weather. It shows just how amazing the Alhambra was, considering how much I liked Granada despite the fact that it was FREEZING morning and night. And afternoons.  It would be 50 degrees (Fahrenheit) when we set out in the mornings and still so cold at noon. Then by the later afternoon like 4-5pm, it would be freaking 85-90 degrees. And then it would fall 40 degrees during the evening. I was screaming. You’re either shibber or sweating & burning all the time.  The crazy weather was matched by the crazy people who like to walk in the middle of the sidewalk and then stop short like great tourists do and who smoke all day long. Seriously the whole country smells like stale cigarettes, no matter where you are. Sometimes it was so smoky and hard to breathe outside in the ‘fresh’ air that I would cry, just walking around in the open! That’s a horrible way to live, people! I do not understand smokers, especially when it’s like community-wide. Is it mandated? I will never complain about the City of London anymore now that I’ve been to southern Spain. Just kidding of course I will ugh I hate cigarettes. 

  Okay that is enough of my bellyaching. There are a few important sights in Granada, but one that surpasses them all. (I can’t say trumps anymore even though it is a regular word.) Like I said in the Seville post, we were here during Easter week, and it was equally if not more insane in Granada. Parades happened in the main and not so main streets ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT (which unfortunately we heard clearly, oh how they love to bang those drums). With all the Spanish people in the world being off from work and school because of Jesus, it was very crowded everywhere we went. 

   You’d think that during Easter week, the church would really want people to, well, go to church and see statues and paintings of Jesus in his famous Easter pose (on the cross). However, some force in the universe really, really wanted us to stay out of the Granada Cathedral (maybe they thought I would burst into flames because of my previous sentence), because we spent an embarrassing amount of time walking around and around the main square, trying to find the main entrance. We thought we were smart people so this was ridiculous. We found the gift shop exit a few times in our wanderings, but no dice on the main entrance. WHAT THE HEY-ZEUS. It was mind-boggling! Finally after circling the main section of town over and over, the entrance was Brigadooned to us. After all that, there’s no way a church could prove itself worth the trouble, but this Cathedral was fine. They gave us audioguides with our tickets, which were sort of helpful. I look forward to the day when I see a Cathedral that afterwards I could pick out of a lineup.   

   One thing I don’t like about Granada and all of Spain (and Italy and other religious countries) are its seriously outdated, sexist, patronizing views on abortion. I was aghast when I saw this sign standing in the cathedral entrance. How dare they put this bullshit in the entrance especially when we had so much trouble finding it! At first I thought it was anti-abortion and saying “don’t get one”, but if I’m translating correctly, I think it’s about helping women recover after they get one. So not as bad, and sure it seems kind of nice, especially for the small percentage of women who do have trouble with their decision and the aftermath. But this perpetuates the religious right’s favorite message: that if you have an abortion you will suffer afterwards because, as it boldly states, abortion ruins both lives. This kind of language contributes to the horrible stigma of abortion when it should be treated like any other medical procedure, and women who need help after should be able to get it without needing to demonize the entire procedure as a surefire way to ruin your life. I saw the same sign at every cathedral in the rest of the cities we visited. GROAN. This is where Granada WISHES it were more like Brighton. Oh Catholics. Get your shit together. Your shit is a mess. 

   Now we’re talking! The Alhambra is a sprawling medieval complex, with numerous sections and buildings that once acted as fortresses, with high lookout points and lots of stairs to get up top for great views; as palaces and residences that get super cramped as people imagine what it was like to live there; as gardens, in my favorite part, the never-ending Generalife; and as an expanse of government buildings. The Alhambra is also a gorgeous display of Moorish architecture and civil planning as it was the last Moorish stronghold of Europe. Located at the top of a steep hill that offers beautiful views of the city, the Alhambra reminded me of the Acropolis in Athens in that regard and because we got super sunburnt when we visited both those places. But the Alhambra is bigger and has lots and lots of actual still-standing buildings you can visit. Also there are beautiful flowers and trees and great water features like fountains that make you feel a tiny bit less dry and like you’re baking in the sun. I love water features. The visit requires most of your day, and you need to buy tickets in advance. They recommend buying tickets weeks or even months in advance, and considering we were there for Easter week the months-ahead rec was really important. We had an afternoon-entry ticket, which was GREAT because that’s when it’s super hot, yay.

  The Alhambra was incredible. It’s like an entire city up at the top of a hill, with various buildings that were used for all kinds of purposes, from residences to government buildings, and gardens and plazas that you wish you could live near. Some of the residences were for the Nasrid Sultans, who ruled Granada from the 1200s to 1492 (what a busy year that was), as well as important government officials, important servants of the court, and important soldiers. Basically you had to be important to live up here. We were there for over four hours in the bright sun and heat – and we skipped two of the museums in the Plaza de Carlos V (one was more money, one was closed on Tuesday afternoons which is when we were there, which is random and feels personal). There is a lot of walking and most of it is uphill climbing, so bring lots of water. We went at a reasonable pace so it’ll really be a whole day for those who move more slowly or those who want to really see every nook and cranny of the expanse. If you can choose your time of entry, go for the morning. It was gross in the sun and heat. Although then you’d have to have a big breakfast and bring snacks if you would be delaying lunch that long. I guess just deal with the heat then. Luckily, they had a few vending machines in the lobbies of the impressively well-located and well-appointed bathroom buildings, and when I needed salt (water-drinking + sweating for hours = you need salt) I found a little bag of trail mix that had my new favorite thing in it, corn nuts. Happy me. (There are also several snack bars but nothing is vegan.) There are water fountains EVERYWHERE which made me soo happy to see and might have been my favorite part of the whole trip no that is crazy I liked other things too. There are also trenches of water running throughout the whole place back from how it was first designed for water flow. What a cool place. 

The Generalife was by far my favorite part, because I love gardens and I love water, and this was a whole shittonne of both. So many fountains and little paths and beautiful plants! It goes on and on and on, as you climb up to higher and higher levels that you would never have guessed were there. It’s so big it takes you around so you can see the rest of the Alhambra complex. Even though by this point (if you do it right, you should do the Generalife last) you’re likely exhausted, the gardens are so peaceful and soothing that you won’t want to rush through. The layout offers endless surprises, with hidden sections and staircases up to new gardens. Somehow, regardless of how crowded it is, you will likely see very few people nearby, because there are so many small segments that really works to spread out the crowd. It’s such a relaxing space, I wish I could go every day.

The night before our day at the Alhambra, we got a tip from Husband’s friend about a great viewpoint in the city from which to see the Alhambra at sunset. This great viewpoint is the Mirador de San Nicholas, and I definitely recommend going at sunset. It’s quite the trek up winding little stone streets to get to the top of this hill, and can be very confusing even with functioning google maps. Just keep going up and you’ll get there. It’s a very popular lookout so it will be crowded, but it’s easy to get a few pictures. Remember it is cold at night, especially up high so dress accordingly. The Alhambra is beautiful as the sun sets. Sigh.

Isn’t it so cool? I can’t believe I didn’t know about this place for most of my life. I’m so glad I got to see it. It’s definitely a must-see in the world. 

  It was really hard to find anything open before 3pm. Oh you Mediterranean lifestyle with your late nights and subsequent late mornings and your afternoon siestas and your lack of catering to my schedule! I bought oranges and bananas to have in the mornings along with bars I brought to tide me over until the regular Spanish lunchtime which is closer to my regular English dinner time.
   But Granada was great because it was the most HappyCow-ed place of the trip. I had so many vegan-friendly restaurants on my list and was excited to get cracking. We went first to Al-Laurel, a little bistro-like restaurant that was supposed to be good. HappyCow said it opened at 11am, Google said 12pm, and its own front door said 12:30pm — but the guy prepping the bar inside at 12:30pm said they wouldn’t start serving food until 1:30pm. That is SUPER STUPID, GUY. Who opens an hour before they will have food? ANGER INSIDE. Off my to-do list and onto my shit list. 

   My favorite restaurant was Hicuri, a casual vegan place pretty well located (and near a vegan-friendly ice cream place we will talk about after) and with lots more seating than vegan places usually have. It’s such a fun menu, with salads and burgers and then salads with chicken nuggets in them and seitan and curries and eggplant bakes and Asian tofu dishes and fun smoothies and all kinds of stuff. It was such a sprawling menu that I have no idea how to describe the cuisine. I got a gigantic ensalada de la casa, which was all the basic salad veggies plus avocado, sprouts, and apple. Fun and random additions! I know you are mad I didn’t get the salad with chicken nuggets but it was dressed in mayo which is blech. They brought us little carrot sticks and ranch dressing while we waited which was adorable and actually the ranch was really good. I was never a ranch fan but I liked this so much that I kept it and put it on my salad. 

For our mains, Husband and I each got a burger, the chicken burger for him and the legumes burger for me. I never ever order the burger when at restaurants, but something made me choose it and it’s a good thing I did because these burgers were fantastic. I am sure they are the best thing on the menu even though I didn’t have anything else. So good. We each got vegan cheese on it too and damn I want one now.

Of course we got dessert! They had a traditional (I guess) arroz con leche (rice pudding) that we shared and I got a hot chocolate with oat milk. The rice pudding was very good, cinnamon-y with the right about of sweetness. The hot chocolate, on the other hand, was like hot milk with cocoa powder mixed in, but with absolutely zero sweetener. It was so weird! Like they used regular cocoa powder and forgot to add sugar or agave or maybe thought they had grabbed hot cocoa mix but reeeeally didn’t? So strange! But whatever, I didn’t care that much. Everything else was good! 

In hindsight, I kind of wish we ate at Hicuri every meal. But that would be ludicrous. But nothing else was as good. Our next veg restaurant experience, at El Piano, left much to be desired. All the food was displayed in a glass case and we looked and talked with the staff before sitting and ordering. They were very helpful when we arrived and took lots of time trying to explain to us what everything was, but it didn’t really coincide with their menu, which they gave us to order off of. After we sat, it was really hard to get their attention even though I think one other person was in there during our entire meal, and she was getting take away. I ordered a combo of mushroom soup and a spinach dish, and was given baby sized portions of both, to my surprise considering how much it cost. The food was just okay too, nothing special. Husband’s Mexican-style food was better and bigger, but not enough to excuse it. When our food came, we asked for bread. The staff member said it’s a gluten-free cracker bread because they don’t do gluten, which was fine for us, bring it on. We asked a few times for it in the next 20 minutes or so but it never came before we finished eating. Actually, fifteen minutes after I stopped pretending I wasn’t already done eating my little meal, we decided to just forget it and we asked for the bill. I was shocked to see the cracker bread was on the bill! She said it was coming, so we paid and waited a few more minutes and it still didn’t come so we just left. WHAT THE HECK was going on? It was crackers they were probably in a box! I immediately went next door to a little bakery and brought a small loaf of bread with a lot of gluten for 50 cents and ate it in the street and we liked it and we loved it.

​ So moral of the story is, don’t go to Al-Laurel or El Piano, definitely go to Hicuri at least once, and if you want a decent quinoa salad when nothing else is around, go to Laseda. 

  Luckily, there was ice cream. There is a ecological ice cream shoppe very close to Hicuri. It’s not great because in addition to being milk-free, it’s also fat-free so it’s a bit icy, and it has very stupid hours (it closes at like 7pm so no after-dinner ice cream). But hey even not great ice cream is still ice cream! It’s called de-leite and had a ton of flavors and also did horchata and granitas and tortes and raw cheesecake-type desserts, which I should have gotten.

We also had plenty more tapas in the various old traditional tapas bars. I never want to have gazpacho or salmorejo again. At one of the many gelato shoppes we stopped in (I always want to know which ones have vegan flavors even if it’s fruit sorbet and of course I wouldn’t waste my time on that but I still want to know), they had a toppings bar with mini Chips Ahoy and mini Oreos so I took a picture for my dad because he loves the minis. I do too but they wouldn’t sell me an ice cream cup just of cookie toppings. Well really I didn’t know how to ask for it in Spanish and it was not worth miming. 

We stayed in the Palacio de Santa Ines, which was in a superb location. Well, we did clearly hear the parade gongs in the middle of the night (Jesus never sleeps) but I think the entire city heard them beat out dat rhythm on a drum at all hours. As for the place itself, the lobby was nicer than the rooms (the bathroom smelled a little weird) but it was a clean decent bed AND we were given a random two-story room with a loft bed upstairs that had better wifi reception so we used the spare bed for internetting.

Overall Granada was nice because the Alhambra was just spectacular. It’s a must-see site in a fun, vibrant city and I’m so lucky I got to see it.

After our six weeks in China, we planned to leave the western Xinjiang region of the country and enter Kyrgyzstan, one of the harder ‘stan names for me to remember in the past that would soon become my favorite one. But the journey from ‘wait that’s a real country’ to ‘this is my favorite stan’ is a long one, one that doesn’t resolve in this post or even the next one – first we have to cross a scary mountain pass to enter the country, and then we have more time in yurt camps! I know! Again! That’s the next post; I know you can’t wait to read more about how terrible I am in the outdoors. Today, let’s talk about that mountain pass: the Torugart Pass, one of the lesser-known, lesser-traversed ways of going from Kyrgyzstan to China or vice versa. 

​On this auspicious Monday, we woke up at 7am, after going to bed at 1:30am (so much repacking! and showering!) and not sleeping at all really because I knew I had to wake up for a thing (my worst habit), and we began our Kyrgyzstani journey. We planned to cross from China into Kyrgyzstan by one of the most complicated methods – the Torugart Pass. We are silly. We hired Kubat Tours (based in Naryn, Kyrgyzstan) to handle our crossing, and they hired Old Town Tours (based in Kashgar) to handle the Chinese end. OTT (yeah you know me) was actually 100x better and more professional than the Kubat guys, which is a shame because we only had the former a short time, while Kubat also arranged our first yurt camp night once we got through the border so we were stuck with the asshat from that company (Kubat’s son, it turned out) for longer. 

So at 7am we said goodbye to Dominic at the Radisson Blu Kashgar and said hello to our nice driver and nice English-speaking guide from Old Town Tours, who would drive us the several hours through literal west-bumblefuck China from Kashgar to the Kyrgyz border. We prepared for the long day of car, police, thirst, and painful bladder as we ventured to cross the Torugart Pass, a mountain crossing from China’s Xinjiang region into Kyrgyzstan. The Torugart Pass is a Class II border – meaning only citizens of the two bordered countries can use it. So how do we and other tourists (not a lot, but still others) cross it? You must, and I mean MUST, hire a Chinese guide and car to take you up the one side, and you MUST hire a Kyrgyz guide and car to pick you up on the other side. I mean it. Well, they mean it. They won’t let you past even the first checkpoint (of many) on the Chinese side, I don’t think, if your Kyrgyz car hasn’t arrived at the border fence yet. The Chinese driver hands you off and you walk a few steps over the actual/final border into the waiting Kyrgyz car. There are a lot of times you’ll think you went through immigration for the last time, but you’d be wrong. This pass is not exactly a tourist hotspot, as you are not allowed in or out without this setup, in either direction.

The drive to the first border checkpoint was mostly dirt and mountains, and it was quite pretty. Well, first, we had to stop at OTT offices to reprint our very crucial documents because they had made mistakes in our names. You can’t see it, but I’m rolling my eyes so hard that it is probably dangerous. Every company we dealt with in China asked us repeatedly to make sure that we double and triple and 100-timesple checked our passport details because Chinese officials are very strict about everything being right, and of course despite sending copies of our passports multiple times, this company was the one to screw up and not us. ughhh. Anyway, we drove through Kashgar and I noticed a cab with its display reading ‘8/15/2008 18:58’ and I was like ‘sure that is close enough to the actual date, 8/28/2017 at 9am, this is probably a good sign.’ 

My first pee stop was behind an abandoned (so the driver said, but I don’t know) stone facade in a desert-like expanse that was already starting to look like Mongolia. Remember back during that trip, how I reacted the first time someone suggested I simply find a place to hide in order to pee? My how I’ve changed – stopping by this facade was my idea. 

Soon we entered a more mountainous region with little to speak of besides a few random shacks and small farms, a region the guide called No Man’s Land. We stopped at a few passport control kiosks on the road where Chinese officials just looked at ours from the car. It was not exceedingly stressful.

Despite all the red tape, we were not the only tourists crossing the pass today – but we were at Chinese immigration with literally everyone else using it today! The timing of passing is very specific, so your driver will make sure to get you to the Chinese side by a certain time because outside of that window, you’re screwed. Or at least they are supposed to make sure of it. So all the crossing tourists were there at the same time. At about noon (China time, so 10am Kyrgyz time), we were at one of the final Chinese immigration posts, the kind you have to actually go inside. Once inside, we met the others, our first tourists in a while – a Dutch couple and a huge bus filled with senior citizens from Australian and New Zealand. That’s everyone who crossed the Torugart on this day. We had lots of time to chat with them because nothing was on when we arrived  – like I said, this was it, no one had arrived before us or anything. So we had to wait while they found people to turn the machines on (turn the machines back on!!). Then the Chinese officials checked our passports – they did a check at a regular border-control-looking window as our bags were x-rayed (the extent of the baggage inspection, actually, for the entire day) but then after that, in the same place, our passports were collected and pored over by people in a secure room, for like 30 minutes or more, which was weird. This building had one squat toilet for each gender, and the stalls did not have doors.

While we all waited the long time for our passports, we also had to wait for our vehicles to make it through inspection. Apparently, we didn’t get there at a time that suited the Chinese officials (even though we were all there the same time, so, it seemed right) so they made the cars wait extra long before okaying them. Boolsheet. So we got to know our fellow intrepid travelers. The Dutch couple had booked with Kubat as well, so we were with them that evening in the yurt camp and got to talk to them a lot. The elders from Australia and New Zealand – traveling on a giant bus so maybe 40 of them? – were doing a big tour of lesser-known Jewish stuff around Asia, like visiting small synagogues and meeting Jewish communities in random places all over tarnation. They were all Jewish themselves, mostly linked from their community back home, and I said “Oh I’m Jewish!” and they said “Yeah we thought so.” Ummmm okay? Is it my frizzies around my hairline or my nose that gave it away? They told me about all the surprising Jewish communities from Beijing to Almaty and asked if we found any in China ourselves and I said “I found really good bagels in Kashgar! Did you try them?” I have a one-track mind. It was nice talking with other travelers though; I thought I hated other travelers but maybe I just hate yoots. One lady in the old Jews group was originally from the UK, so she knew our neighborhood in London and asked if we went up to Finchley or the surrounds at all – that’s the Jewish area of London – and I said “Oh I go to Golder’s Green a lot because that’s where the Kosher Kingdom store is and that’s the only place to buy good pretzels!” They smiled politely. 

Finally we got the China exit stamp from this stop and drove an hour or two down to the next please-exit-China-here fence, but they were on their freaking lunch break. They said it could be a 90 minute wait. So this was our punishment from the last group of officials who held our cars too long; they knew we would then get to this stop on their lunch break. So frustrating. We took our lunch break (raisins and bagels that we luckily brought because OTT did not bring us food, or water) in the back of the van. There was an open toilet thank goodness; it was abysmal. Finally they finished lunch and opened the fence to let us out of China. GUYS NO MORE CHINA! 40 days and 40 nights is a lot! We out! 

​On the other side of the fence was our Kyrgyz car and guide from Kubat Tours. The Dutch couple (the non-Jews) (hey hey hey we were the majority at the Torugart Pass! Map it!) also booked with them so we were all picked up by Kubat’s dumb son and another driver. The Son smokes a lot and is quite unfriendly. We drove to the Kyrgyz entry point, the four of us tourists now moving together for the rest of the day. We got stamped by a guy behind a window who clearly did not expect to have to work today, and I used another gross toilet despite being super dehydrated. Then we drove to another building onsite, and The Son, the driver, and a border guard who hitched the short ride with us got out, went in a building, and I think just hung out for 10 minutes because they are buddies. We just sat in the car and waited. So ridiculous and unprofessional. They finally came out with another guy who came over to the car and laughed at us and asked where we were from (a question that we hated by this point and that would enrage us beyond control by the end of our travels). 

Finally we left and drove farther into Kyrgyzstan towards Tash Rabat, with just a few stay-in-the-car checkpoints en route. Tash Rabat is an ancient (15th century) caravanserai, kind of like a country inn for travelers to rest for a night during their travels but bare and made of stone and very Game of Thrones looking. It was pretty cool to see, and we were staying in a yurt camp within walking distance. 

It was probably an hour and a half drive from the entry to Tash Rabat and I had to pee sooo badly. And it was suddenly super cold! It was such a sudden change like China had said byeee we are keeping all of our warmth from you now! But really, it’s because we were sooo high in the mountains now. Kashgar’s elevation was 1300 meters. Tash Rabat’s? 3600 METERS. I didn’t realize this until a few days later, but this was the highest elevation I’d ever been to in my life. It’s also at a level that could be dangerous for people who aren’t acclimated to it, so thank god I was okay. And I’m such a worrier that I bet if I knew in advance that this elevation could pose problems for a newbie like me, I would have for sure felt sick. Scary! So dangerous! 

The Dutch couple from the crossing was staying at our same yurt camp, and they were sticking with The Son for a country tour for the whole week, while we luckily went off with the much better NoviNomad tour company the next day. The Son was so horrendous. First of all, he didn’t have water for anyone. Luckily we brought emergency 5L jugs but jesus, what about the people you are guiding for the week? He smoked endlessly, and right in your face. He failed to answer simple questions or act in any way like he was working. Maybe he wants to get fired. He spent the afternoon and evening hanging out with his guide friends and other Kyrgyz people by a small building in the yurt camp. I went over to him at 7pm or something and walked towards the group of guides and drivers and waved to him to motion that I had a question, and he just looked away and kept chatting. Dick. I asked what time dinner was, and he said, “It’s ready.” Thanks for telling us! I said, “Ok…where should we go?” and he just nodded at a yurt and kept talking to his friends. What a dickwad. Dinner was good, in that there was food for me, and a lot of us. There was a basket of good bread, and the first course was a rice noodle salad with carrots and then the main was grilled eggplant and peppers with rice. This was the first of nearly daily plates of grilled nightshades plus every version of carb. At dinner, we were sitting next to the Dutch, his more important clients, and we all asked him if there was any celebration or anything for Kyrgyz Independence Day, which was later that week and we’d all be there for. He blinked and then just kept eating. He ignored everything. We actually met Kubat the next day in Naryn ​and he seemed very professional and good, so I think he just has to fire his son as a guide because there’s no way anyone should be stuck with him in a foreign country for more than a day. Kubat let me use his toilet and as I left I said ‘your son sucks byeeees.”

So I know you all want to hear about my first night back in a yurt camp after all these glorious months of sleeping indoors near toilets. It was cold. The toilets were 190 paces away from our yurt, and they were actually okay. Squats, but in a building of three, so like, sort of real. And there was toilet paper! They also had a set-up of those push-up sink buckets that were always filled, so it was a lot better than we’ve experienced before. Still not fun, but at least I didn’t have to pour bottled water over my hands all the time (we didn’t have enough for that!) or pee in a fly-ridden tarp. Of course, at night, it was the coldest I’d ever been (until the next night!) and that mixed with the aforementioned 190 paces meant I was quickly back to my old habits of just peeing outside the yurt in the middle of the night (even with my headlamp, it was way too dark to make it to the outhouse safely). And despite the dehydration, I had to pee 10 times that night! One time, a guy with a flashlight was apparently doing security rounds or something, not that I really believe that that’s a thing but anyway, there he was and he was coming my way so I peed as fast as I could and made it back inside before he caught me. What a tremendous time. 

The next morning, I put on all my clothes (all of them; I mostly packed for the previous three months of hot weather) and went to the food yurt for breakfast. They were all eating crepes and Kubat’s POS son forgot to tell the lady that I don’t eat milk or eggs so thanks, dickface. We left with the other driver and drove two hours to Naryn, where we had to pay Kubat, say ‘sorry for your son’, and then meet our NoviNomad guide who would show us the rest of the country over the next 8 days. Guess what – it all gets better! Stay tuned and think of me if you have to pee outside today! BUT DON’T. THAT’S FOR MONSTERS.