Tony Toni Tone: It's the Day of the Tony Awards!by Randi / June 12, 2016
Happy Pride Yall!
Oh herro! It’s been a while but guess what, I still haven’t finished season 2 of UKS! I spent a few weeks playing with my babiss (Helena voice) instead and ain’t nobody got time for television when you’re playing with the cutest puppy and cutest human in the whole world yes you are! And then we moved! And then people in the UK decided they hated the world and themselves and voted to destroy everything! Burn it all down! So there’s been a lot going on!
Before I was recapping just 2 episodes at a time, but ugh that would literallyyyy take foreverrrr? (Dong’s Kardashian voice!) and you all finished watching anywayyyyy so here’s like 5 and I just wanna share my favorite parts. So really this is a listicle, Buzzfeed a-hat style, of fun things instead because I just want to get this done with already Kimbecile! So really, think of this instead as is my imitation of a Buzzfeed piece! Enjoy!
Before I was recapping just 2 episodes at a time, but ugh that would literallyyyy take foreverrrr? (Dong’s Kardashian voice!) and you all finished watching anywayyyyy so here’s like 5 and I just wanna share my favorite parts. So really this is a listicle, Buzzfeed a-hat style, of fun things instead because I just want to get this done with already Kimbecile! So really, think of this instead as is my imitation of a Buzzfeed piece! Enjoy!
Episode 5: Kimmy Gives Up!
My prize for absolute winner of episode goes to Kimmy’s cold-open interaction with the staff member at the school she takes her GED class:
Kimmy: “That’s Dong Wen! We were basically the Roz & Frasier of our class. But not sexy like that, just, ya know, cool.”
Woman: “Yeah I get it. I kinda have a Kyle & Maxine thing with my boss. Oh you don’t know ‘Living Single’? But I’m supposed to know everything about ‘Frasier’?”
I was crying.
Jane’s (can I just call her Jane, Jacqueline takes too long to type; I’ll probably alternate) fake moving box labels were amazing: Silver, Crystal, Grand Piano. In this episode, Jacqueline was lent a gown for a benefit by Karl Lagerfeld, from that asshat’s designer line called ‘Crottes des Nez’. That might seem like a whatever line, unless you know French, like I do. No I used google because I knew it had to be something good. Guess what, it means boogers! Tee hee! Karl Lagerfeld is a booger maker! And a big booger himself! (He’s on my list.)
Buckley’s school was cancelled for Rupert Murdoch’s birthday, and Jacqueline of course can’t afford help (and Kimmy turned out to be just another one of Buckley’s drawings on the wall), so Jacqueline has to watch her own son for an entire day. Perish the thought! She thinks she is up to the challenge but very quickly learns she isn’t. His doctor gives her Dyziplen, the coolest new trend in rich people drugging their kids so they don’t have to parent. Buckley and all the other kids on the playground turn into quiet, sullen robots, to Jacqueline’s delight…at least at first.
Doctor: Your son’s in good physical health…But in terms of behavioral development Buckley could benefit from a little discipline.
Jane: Ohh…
Doctor: Don’t worry, I’m not talking about actual parenting. I know how busy we all are. I’m talking about medication.
This was all worth it for when Jacqueline started Dyziplen-ing out at the fitting, seeing all the Booger clothes as boring gray stuff. “What’s happening…my brain…it’s Talbotsing!”
Dong was around, I don’t remember really why, but I remember this burn on white travelers: “I don’t want to go back to Vietnam, Kimmy. It’s full of baby-boomer tourists trying to feel something!”
Kimmy’s best line was of course her list of favorite jams: “Giving up is not my jam. My jams are grape, jock, and space!” Even Questlove tweeted this one out! Instant classic!
But the episode fully belonged to Titus (I mean as usual). It started with his perfectly deadpan response to Kimmy’s nonsense:
Kimmy: “Without blue, my entire scrunchie rotation is off. I mean, I can’t wear a green scrunchie on Thursday! Everyone will think I’m horny!”
Titus: “That’s true. I will.”
From there he only got better and better, as the show combined its two best aspects into the most enjoyable combination: Titus being nuts, and the ridiculously crazy original songs. Titus was so happy that he sang songs from failed (really failed) musicals. When Lillian called him out on it, he responded in true Titus form that I have been singing for weeks now:
I’m just an ordinary gay! Cry face emoji!
And here’s his rendition of the hysterically awful song from “Feels like Love”.
You might not have noticed but the voice of Daddy in the recording played in a different scene was Jefferson Mays! “You’re My baby Now” was the creepiest song ever made while retaining a feel-good vibe and jolly rhythm!
Last but not least, this season’s most improved character Lillian had my favorite passage: “I know you haven’t been studying because I found your GED books coated with a day’s worth of asbestos. What are you doing? Also try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.”
Last but not least, this season’s most improved character Lillian had my favorite passage: “I know you haven’t been studying because I found your GED books coated with a day’s worth of asbestos. What are you doing? Also try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.”
Episode 6: Kimmy Drives a Car!
Oh man this episode was JOY, except ughhh Fred Armisen is back. Stop putting him in all my shows for no good reason! Titus and Lillian decide to put the apartment on AirBnB – “so it’s like a sleepover but with strangers?…AND THEY PAY YOU??” Their first guests are Shosh (Zosia Mamet) and her boyfriend, hipsters to end all hipsters who, to Lillian’s horror, would contribute to the gentrification of their hood. But oh that horror leads to comic gold. She asks boyfriend some questions, like what he does for work (which is a word they don’t believe in, but they design artisan sneakers), and when he decided to grow his super hipster mustache, to which he responded, “I saw Michael Cera had one and I was like, I’m in.” Lillian’s response was to scream the following, which is my favorite thing poss ever:
The best!! Lillian had her best episode ever, with all of her lines being quotable, which is what I’m gonna do.
“You think I’m crazy just because they named that disorder after me. But this time I’m right.”
Lillian: “We already have a way to get sneakers around here – we wait till they fall off the telephone wire.”
Titus: “And they want to open Sole Food in an old soul food restaurant? Like how the first Hooters was opened in an old mammagram center?”
Lillian: “It’s not gross to me. And it wasn’t gross to my late husband, Roland.”
Titus: “Well until recently I couldn’t even have a dead husband so hashtag, respect my journey.”
Kenan Thompson as Lillian’s husband Roland was the best casting! I want more Roland and Lillian flashbacks. Especially if it’s to the exclusion of Armisen. One SNL alum at a time.
The dynamic duo outsmarted the hipster duo into leaving their neighborhood by out hipstering them, making them think the neighborhood had already become too hip and that they were too late. Titus as the hipster was genius! He is so wise. His get-up as the bouncer to the secret club was too much!
“You think I’m crazy just because they named that disorder after me. But this time I’m right.”
Lillian: “We already have a way to get sneakers around here – we wait till they fall off the telephone wire.”
Titus: “And they want to open Sole Food in an old soul food restaurant? Like how the first Hooters was opened in an old mammagram center?”
Lillian: “It’s not gross to me. And it wasn’t gross to my late husband, Roland.”
Titus: “Well until recently I couldn’t even have a dead husband so hashtag, respect my journey.”
Kenan Thompson as Lillian’s husband Roland was the best casting! I want more Roland and Lillian flashbacks. Especially if it’s to the exclusion of Armisen. One SNL alum at a time.
The dynamic duo outsmarted the hipster duo into leaving their neighborhood by out hipstering them, making them think the neighborhood had already become too hip and that they were too late. Titus as the hipster was genius! He is so wise. His get-up as the bouncer to the secret club was too much!
Other great lines:
Kimmy: “If I find a job in the classifieds, am I allowed to tell anyone?” Amazing! Why is it called that! Seriously!
Titus: “Things change! I don’t look anything like I did when I was a baby!…Ok, bad example.” Get it because he looks like a baby.
Titus: “What’s scary about leatherbound books? Just a bunch of cows and trees that won’t rest until we pay for what we’ve done to them!!!”
Jacqueline: “And now I’m standing on a street named after a…rapper, I guess.”
Camera cuts to Malcolm X Blvd.
Kimmy: “For your information, Malcolm the 10th was a black pope.”
Kimmy recommending a dentist to Jane: “He does walk-ins and his bus ads make it very clear that he does not snitch.”
Jane: “I get making people wait for a kidney, but this is something people can see! The mouth is the eyes of the lower face!”
Jane’s whole dental debacle was pretty wonderful, for jokes and for character growth. Her temporary fix of a Mento stuck to her tooth paid off in spades when it fell into the receptionist’s Coke and the whole thing erupted like the biggest volcano in the world all over the dentist’s office. And I loved that they ended the episode with a Mentos commercial where they couldn’t actually say the word Mentos. A+ episode, with the second plus that I gave it subtracted because Armisen. (Every time I say his name I shake my fist in the air so picture that.)
Episode 7: Kimmy Walks Into a Bar!
Mimi Kanassis is back!! And making jokes about the British! Hoorah! Jane and Mimi were planning Jane’s big comeback benefit gala, with Mimi in charge of invitations – “I spelled honour with a ‘u’ like they do in England!” My UK iPhone does that. It is annoying because it keeps autocorrecting my more efficient spelling and I hate it. It changes my z’s to s’s too AND, because it was programmed by Borat, adds ‘not’ to the ends of lots of sentences. That one I don’t even get I think I’m being punked.
Anyway, this one focused a lot on Jacqueline, Mimi, and our favorite socialite since Celerie Kemble (I used to read the Vogue society section), Deirdre Robespierre, as they embarked upon gala season.
Deirdre: “And I know it just started, but I am already so exhausted by gala season!”
Jacqueline: “Tell me about it! Did you know that poor people don’t even have to do gala season?”
Deirdre: “What?! They just skip it?! Then why do they look so tired all the time?”
Besides Deirdre, the best was that Mimi f-ed up the invitations by trying to do the date the British way – day then month then year, so instead of today being 6.26.16 it would be 26.6.26 IT’S THE WORST and I’m really glad Kimmy Schmidt brought attention to how disastrous this English trickery can be. ENGLISH TRICKERY ABOUNDS. Unfortunately, the actual gala date wasn’t as obvious as today’s date is (because there is no 26th month in our calendar do you get it), and their 10.11 instead of 11.10 was easily confused. Damn the English and their stupid stupid decisions.
Mimi did make one incredible decision though – taking care of the musical guest, Sia, herself.
Anyway, this one focused a lot on Jacqueline, Mimi, and our favorite socialite since Celerie Kemble (I used to read the Vogue society section), Deirdre Robespierre, as they embarked upon gala season.
Deirdre: “And I know it just started, but I am already so exhausted by gala season!”
Jacqueline: “Tell me about it! Did you know that poor people don’t even have to do gala season?”
Deirdre: “What?! They just skip it?! Then why do they look so tired all the time?”
Besides Deirdre, the best was that Mimi f-ed up the invitations by trying to do the date the British way – day then month then year, so instead of today being 6.26.16 it would be 26.6.26 IT’S THE WORST and I’m really glad Kimmy Schmidt brought attention to how disastrous this English trickery can be. ENGLISH TRICKERY ABOUNDS. Unfortunately, the actual gala date wasn’t as obvious as today’s date is (because there is no 26th month in our calendar do you get it), and their 10.11 instead of 11.10 was easily confused. Damn the English and their stupid stupid decisions.
Mimi did make one incredible decision though – taking care of the musical guest, Sia, herself.
It was sad that their last-minute gala failed because the guests were all awful white 1%ers who don’t care about anyone else. The episode ended on a really sad note! But I love that Deirdre is just dark knighting Jacqueline this whole time and is indeed as insane as the joker, needing an equal worthy of the fight to be a lasting archrival. Genius. I need Jane to be back at her former level too. It’s weird feeling sorry for her ever. She is slowly getting back there though.
Jane: “And as soon as I stopped making those jokes, he did leave her! Men find funny women disgusting.”
In other stories, Titus and Mikey are freaking adorable and I hope they stay happy. I loved when they were trying to act bro-ish with the guys from the construction site and they all go “Sup…sup” and Titus goes “soup”. And nothing beats when Titus said to Mikey, “I saw how you were with the other contraption workers.” !!
Titus and Kimmy’s best interaction:
Titus: “Kimbecile what do I always say?”
Kimmy: “Don’t touch my dolls, they’re strictly look-upons?”
Titus: “Not that.”
The best thing by far though was the quick shot showing Pizza Rat Boulevard! He deserves it.
Episode 8: Kimmy Goes to a Hotel
We open where the season started – at Kimmy’s Christmas party! The one that asked us so many questions and then never returned to answer them, until now. Mimi Kanassis is there for some reason, Sonia barges in through the window to accuse Kimmy of stealing her husband, and Jacqueline is upset because the painting she spent all her money on needs to be returned to the descendants of the Jewish family the Nazis stole it from. Two of these lead to storylines. As far as I can remember, Mimi just slept on the couch the whole time. Mimi is wise.
First of all, the not so fun one. So Jacqueline’s $11.5 million painting, in addition to being the one thing shoring up Jacqueline’s claim to social status, is the subject of a legal battle. “The Jews are stealing my painting!” is Jacqueline’s take on it, but really it’s the kind of reparations we’ve heard about in real life. Kind of an odd choice for this show to include such a serious, awkward topic just to provide Jacqueline with the opportunity for some small growth.
Then Kimmy & Dong went to an abandoned hotel and had a fun time, but really it made me feel awkward. It was all awkward. I know we’re supposed to root for them but it was just too weird, this whole thing and really the whole episode. The only things that stuck with me were amazing Mikey & Titus interactions and obviously a reference to Hams.
First of all, the not so fun one. So Jacqueline’s $11.5 million painting, in addition to being the one thing shoring up Jacqueline’s claim to social status, is the subject of a legal battle. “The Jews are stealing my painting!” is Jacqueline’s take on it, but really it’s the kind of reparations we’ve heard about in real life. Kind of an odd choice for this show to include such a serious, awkward topic just to provide Jacqueline with the opportunity for some small growth.
Then Kimmy & Dong went to an abandoned hotel and had a fun time, but really it made me feel awkward. It was all awkward. I know we’re supposed to root for them but it was just too weird, this whole thing and really the whole episode. The only things that stuck with me were amazing Mikey & Titus interactions and obviously a reference to Hams.
Bests
Mikey as Santa: “I can’t kiss you! I’m married, and Mrs. Claus is a beautiful and very sexual woman.”
Titus: “Where was all this acting commitment when I asked you to say it was my birthday at Baskin Robbins?!”
THAT IS ME I always want to say it’s my bday for free stuff!!
Titus: “You’re the worst actor since Cate Blanchett.”
Mikey: “What? She’s great!”
Titus: “IS she? Or is she just tall.”
OMG YESSSS! This is so ridiculous that it makes it seem true! I love how Titus doesn’t even ask, he states that last part because he knows it’s so true. I mean it’s not true, but it really makes you think about it.
Loved the part about the callback for Hamilton!
If I can rap and walk quickly in a circle, can I be in “Hamilton”?
Joshua Jackson in the convenience store and Kimmy yelling condoms suuuper awkwardly were hilarious bits! That’s the part that redeemed their whole storyline, sort of. But nothing upon nothing beats the crew singing Christmas carols and including this gem: “Come on let’s order pizza, come on let’s order pizza” is a much better lyric than ‘oh come let us adore him’. Oh my god when writing this I just sang it out loud and husband thought I sang “Come on let’s murder people” and is freaking out and I had no idea why because I’m just sitting here singing about pizza.
Episode 9: Kimmy Meets a Drunk Lady
Well, Titus has quit his job at the Jekyll & Hyde place, and his unemployment has led a bit of cabin fever that includes lots and lots of doll hair-styling. In this listless state of his, he complains to Kimmy, “SO FAR NO ONE’S OFFERED ME ANY AMAZING JOBS IN THIS APARTMENT.” Perfection.
So the drunk lady in the title is Tina Fey in a role A BAJILLION TIMES BETTER than the lawyer of the first season. It’s not even right to make a comparison. It’s like apples and hepatitis. Tina plays a therapist who gets super drizzunk at night to the point where she is sort of a whole different person, and her day and night selves hate each other. Kimmy picks up Drunk Night Tina in her job as an Uber driver, which is a brilliant development and way for someone to use Jacqueline’s stolen cop car (painted black). Kimmy complains to her a little about her roommate trouble and gets some good advice from Tina about how to handle it.
Tina: “You need to go home and tells him, what’s his name? Titties? You say, Titties, I value my needs and I needs to take a shower.”
Tina’s line when Kimmy drops her off made me pause and cackle. It’s the best line in years and I have used it about 97 times since hearing it, including in parking lots and in my She LOVES ME review.
So the drunk lady in the title is Tina Fey in a role A BAJILLION TIMES BETTER than the lawyer of the first season. It’s not even right to make a comparison. It’s like apples and hepatitis. Tina plays a therapist who gets super drizzunk at night to the point where she is sort of a whole different person, and her day and night selves hate each other. Kimmy picks up Drunk Night Tina in her job as an Uber driver, which is a brilliant development and way for someone to use Jacqueline’s stolen cop car (painted black). Kimmy complains to her a little about her roommate trouble and gets some good advice from Tina about how to handle it.
Tina: “You need to go home and tells him, what’s his name? Titties? You say, Titties, I value my needs and I needs to take a shower.”
Tina’s line when Kimmy drops her off made me pause and cackle. It’s the best line in years and I have used it about 97 times since hearing it, including in parking lots and in my She LOVES ME review.
The storyline got really annoying when they broke into a stranger’s house to steal a dog. Tina writes herself into shit and then gets stuck in it too often on this show and it’s so annoying! But overall her role is a great move. I’m excited to see what happens in their therapy sessions.
One quick thing in this episode that I found absolutely brilliant was Titus taking off his earrings and putting his hair up (no earrings and no hair), prepping to fight.
One quick thing in this episode that I found absolutely brilliant was Titus taking off his earrings and putting his hair up (no earrings and no hair), prepping to fight.
But nothing beats the Billy on the Street cameo, repeating the question about whether Cate Blanchett is good or just tall! THE BEST. I love Billy!
Kimmy’s best line: “I can help get that vodka monkey off your back…and into a tuxedo, the way monkeys look best!”
THE END FOR NOW. Did you think you were reading Buzzfeed?! I bet. Except there were words in addition to pictures.
Kimmy’s best line: “I can help get that vodka monkey off your back…and into a tuxedo, the way monkeys look best!”
THE END FOR NOW. Did you think you were reading Buzzfeed?! I bet. Except there were words in addition to pictures.
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“Peter Pan Live!”: Could Have Fooled Me, NBC
Watch this instead
This may be totally over as a conversation by now but a) I am not in America and b) I couldn’t get through this in one sitting.
Big takeaway: Peter Pan is a weird ass show. If people came into the NBC musical broadcast without having a background in the story, they would deem it the stuff of nightmares. Mostly the nightmares of people who are against problematic gender norms, pedophilia, kidnapping, and weird sexual relationships. Considering that these live musicals are chosen to appeal to families – i.e. children – I’m sure that this production was indeed the first exposure to Pan for a big portion of the audience. This realization isn’t so much sad as f-ing nuts. Can you imagine seeing this broadcast without having a foundation in the story to protect your soul? Nightmares.
Big takeaway: Peter Pan is a weird ass show. If people came into the NBC musical broadcast without having a background in the story, they would deem it the stuff of nightmares. Mostly the nightmares of people who are against problematic gender norms, pedophilia, kidnapping, and weird sexual relationships. Considering that these live musicals are chosen to appeal to families – i.e. children – I’m sure that this production was indeed the first exposure to Pan for a big portion of the audience. This realization isn’t so much sad as f-ing nuts. Can you imagine seeing this broadcast without having a foundation in the story to protect your soul? Nightmares.
Peter Pan, based on this travesty from NBC, is about a rebellious girl who can fly between worlds. You know she is rebellious because she has short hair, ugly clothing, and a lack of emotion despite a constant smile. This rebel kidnaps two little boys and their inappropriately dressed older aunt and takes them to a modern version of the tunnel scene in Willy Wonka. Although the little boys have a lovely mother with the most beautiful voice ever (and I guess the aunt has such a sister?), their dad is a jackwagon so you’re okay with them getting some air for a while.
One of the boys wears a top hat. All the time. Even at bedtime. Even while flying. The other boy, no doubt scarred by his emotionally unavailable father, can’t think of any happy thoughts except for candy, setting him up for serious dental problems later in life, if not the ‘betus itself.
These three Darling people are tended to by Nana, a big fluffy dog who is smart enough to sense danger and protect her human siblings. Whyyy is the musical not about Nana? One of life’s unanswered questions. That dog is wicked smaht.
Peter Pan and his twinkling ball of light, which we are supposed to accept as a fairy even though we’ve seen full-bodied fairies like Stanley Tucci in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” and all over New York, teach dear old aunt Wendy and the two boys how to fly, or really how to jerk around panicked and gracelessly when hoisted by very visible wires. Seeing the wires doesn’t bother me as much as everyone’s inability to fly without appearing to have constipation-induced seizures. Why are they so awkward? Did anyone teach them how to do the flying bits? Did they even have a chance to practice flying around before the live show? It doesn’t seem like it. They should have just done all CGI flying if it was going to be this bad.
In very little time at all, thanks to dear old Aunt Wendy’s breathlessness and fluttery eyes, we realize that this is actually a love story between Peter and Wendy, making J. M. Barrie’s tale perhaps the first lesbian fairy tale. But why does Peter, ostensibly a 25-year-old girl, need a 28-year-old girl to tuck her and her male followers in at night? It’s very creepy. But the story is quite progressive: Not only are Peter and Wendy lesbian lovers, but they are in an interspecies love triangle with a jealous ball of light. Wow. Much progress.
So the littlest boy, Michael, starts out as adorable before gradually getting more and more annoying. During the adorable phase, he grabs his teddy bear before flying off to Neverland. That is cute. What’s not cute is what would actually happen to the humans if they flew unprotected by spacesuits between freaking realms. Skin melting and stuff. That might be more entertaining though. This shit be dull. Peter/Allison Williams seems too embarrassed to fully commit to the role as lead lesbian lover. Gotta get over that before the second show.
Commercial break: Cool, a Wal-mart commercial with Melissa Joan Hart and I’m guessing her actual family of husband and three boy children who are playing with a toy fairy. It’s cute until the husband person says “I’m pretending it’s a helicopter.” That’s a cool message to send to all young boys, Wal-Mart, that to be male you can’t play with pretty colored toys or fairies unless you pretend it’s something MACHINE and MANLY. Cool. Outdated gender roles are the coolest. This is a good place to share one of my favorite infographics:
One of the boys wears a top hat. All the time. Even at bedtime. Even while flying. The other boy, no doubt scarred by his emotionally unavailable father, can’t think of any happy thoughts except for candy, setting him up for serious dental problems later in life, if not the ‘betus itself.
These three Darling people are tended to by Nana, a big fluffy dog who is smart enough to sense danger and protect her human siblings. Whyyy is the musical not about Nana? One of life’s unanswered questions. That dog is wicked smaht.
Peter Pan and his twinkling ball of light, which we are supposed to accept as a fairy even though we’ve seen full-bodied fairies like Stanley Tucci in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” and all over New York, teach dear old aunt Wendy and the two boys how to fly, or really how to jerk around panicked and gracelessly when hoisted by very visible wires. Seeing the wires doesn’t bother me as much as everyone’s inability to fly without appearing to have constipation-induced seizures. Why are they so awkward? Did anyone teach them how to do the flying bits? Did they even have a chance to practice flying around before the live show? It doesn’t seem like it. They should have just done all CGI flying if it was going to be this bad.
In very little time at all, thanks to dear old Aunt Wendy’s breathlessness and fluttery eyes, we realize that this is actually a love story between Peter and Wendy, making J. M. Barrie’s tale perhaps the first lesbian fairy tale. But why does Peter, ostensibly a 25-year-old girl, need a 28-year-old girl to tuck her and her male followers in at night? It’s very creepy. But the story is quite progressive: Not only are Peter and Wendy lesbian lovers, but they are in an interspecies love triangle with a jealous ball of light. Wow. Much progress.
So the littlest boy, Michael, starts out as adorable before gradually getting more and more annoying. During the adorable phase, he grabs his teddy bear before flying off to Neverland. That is cute. What’s not cute is what would actually happen to the humans if they flew unprotected by spacesuits between freaking realms. Skin melting and stuff. That might be more entertaining though. This shit be dull. Peter/Allison Williams seems too embarrassed to fully commit to the role as lead lesbian lover. Gotta get over that before the second show.
Commercial break: Cool, a Wal-mart commercial with Melissa Joan Hart and I’m guessing her actual family of husband and three boy children who are playing with a toy fairy. It’s cute until the husband person says “I’m pretending it’s a helicopter.” That’s a cool message to send to all young boys, Wal-Mart, that to be male you can’t play with pretty colored toys or fairies unless you pretend it’s something MACHINE and MANLY. Cool. Outdated gender roles are the coolest. This is a good place to share one of my favorite infographics:
Back to the show: This narrator sounds like that English tart Lorraine Finster!!!
Once Peter, his new lover, and the boys get to Neverland – an impressively technicolored set – we get to meet our Captain Hook. No, not Christian Borle (Smee and Mr. Darling), who actually won a TONY for playing Captain Hook (at least a variation), but Christopher Walken, that singular adjuster of all rhythms of language that we thought were okay to accept as unchanging. Christopher Walken is on many drugs here but none of the ones that give energy, so that doesn’t bode well for the next too many hours.
Side note, when did Christian Borle DOUBLE his arm size?
Once Peter, his new lover, and the boys get to Neverland – an impressively technicolored set – we get to meet our Captain Hook. No, not Christian Borle (Smee and Mr. Darling), who actually won a TONY for playing Captain Hook (at least a variation), but Christopher Walken, that singular adjuster of all rhythms of language that we thought were okay to accept as unchanging. Christopher Walken is on many drugs here but none of the ones that give energy, so that doesn’t bode well for the next too many hours.
Side note, when did Christian Borle DOUBLE his arm size?
As we watch Christopher Walken stare at the cue cards next to the camera, we learn that pirates are these long-haired hot people who dance well. Why are people scared of pirates? They seem awesome. They probably have good tips for detangling hair after swimming in the ocean.
Although the story keeps telling us that we are supposed to be scared of Hook, a notorious pirate ship captain, it seems he’s really a Lower East Side drag queen with general malaise and a too-light shade of pancake makeup.
So distracted by Smee’s arms! I guess the camera does add 10 pounds, and it all goes to Christian Borle’s arms? Maybe he’s wearing fake arms?
The pirates’ carrying Hook on a sedan chair as his face betrays zero emotion is a metaphor for this show.
Christian Borle deserves a freaking Emmy for trying to breathe life into Walken. Seriously, he just blew into Walken’s arse. He literally tried to breathe life into him. He is not holding anything back. Gotta try everything.
Now we meet the Lost Boys. Given their costumes and homoerotic physicality, the Lost Boys are just Chilton drop-outs? Duke lacrosse players? Ah! Aside from giving us the progressive lesbian relationship, “Peter Pan” also tells important lessons about white male privilege. The whole Lost Boys aspect, it seems, is a precautionary tale about the current state of our society and its persistent, ignorant condoning of bad male behavior, continually excused as ‘just boys being boys’ or rewritten as a slam on irrelevant female behavior. These preppy prepschool boys in their striped rugby shirts and popped collars and colorful caps represent the Duke lacrosse players, the Steubenville football players, and all the other masses of men who are ‘lost’ because they don’t face necessary punishment and therefore never learn responsibility or proper ways to behave as respectable members of our society. So that’s what Peter Pan is about? Interesting. Is that why he’s played by a woman always? For feminism? Is that why they are singing this awful song about how Wendy will be their mother? “We have a mother at last we have a mother”, because their mothers are the only women they are able to recognize as deserving respect and the only ones who probably believe that they are decent at heart? I find the basic premise of rooting for the Lost Boys to defeat the Pirates as flawed. I want the pirates to win. These boys are trouble, if my hypothesis is correct. They will just inflict lots of pain and torture throughout their lives and get away with it. At least the pirates are honest about their intentions. Wow, Barrie was pretty prescient.
Moving on from sexism and misogyny to racism, within these enormous wedding bouquet trees, the Lost Boys are surrounded by the natives but they don’t know it. The natives (at least they are no longer calling them the Indians? I think?) literally have their feet on the Lost Boys’s asses but the Boys have no idea what’s going on. Is this a metaphor for American history, that the white Lost Boys can’t see the Indians right next to them? Or that they are blinded by their disregard of them?
Commercial break: F-ing A but “Into the Woods” looks AMAZING. I am so eager to see this movie instead of finish watching “Peter Pan” that I don’t think I can form full paragraphs for a while.
The Lost Boys KILL Wendy? What in the actual hell is this show? See, preppy prepschool white boys are TROUBLE TO WOMEN. And Tinkerbell is legit evil! Why is that ball of light not being extinguished? Why do people care if people don’t believe in her? She is EVIL.
Peter is actually singing about ‘Oh the pleasure she’ll bring to us’ about Wendy. This is so lesbians love story!
Omg MASS GROUP SHOWER SCENE this is vulgar. Why are all the Newsies in one small bathtub together? Do I have to rewatch Newsies to understand all the homoerotic subtext is that as well? Are all musicals this batshit? No.
“I Won’t Grow Up” really drives home my newly realized theory about this show being a scathing indictment of masculinity in modern society. These boys refuse to learn how to be better citizens! Refuse to mature and take responsibility! This show is deep. Neverland represents their mental state of everlasting “youth and joy and liberty”, their escape from being better members of actual society and living in a fantasy world of privilege and ignorance instead. Whoa.
Back to Peter and Wendy. They are going on a moonlight canoe ride on the lagoon. It’s pretty much the same setting as “Kiss The Girl” but without that amazing song. Or any song at all! Why can’t these two lovebirds have a beautiful duet on the water at this point? Nonetheless, this is pretty special. We don’t really get a lot of legit lesbian romance on television. There’s a lot of gay male relationships on TV, and thanks primarily to “How To Get Away With Murder” a lot of gay sex, but TV doesn’t give equal airtime to gay women. So this is nice.
Yet the story is making the common ignorant assumption that all women are jealous of each other over the menfolk or some shit like that. Why does every single female character need to be jealous of the others because they all love Peter? That look Wendy gave to Tiger Lily was a ‘bitch stay away’ if I ever saw one. And Even Older Aunt Wendy (who is ACTUALLY that English tart Lorraine Finster) lets her daughter run away with Peter? And they all wish that ALL the female descendants of Wendy will forever be taken away by Peter when they come of age? What is THAT creepy shit about! That’s a level of disgusting not even seen in Greek tragedies.
I’m focusing on the gay lovers and the Lost Boys’ metaphor because the rest of this is too dull to bother with. In the big climax sword fight between Hook and Pan, the pirates either fell asleep or sacrificed themselves to the sea witch to avoid having to watch any more. It was the slowest, most painfully uneventful sword fight OF ALL TIME. Who choreographed this? Kids do a better job playfighting with swords cut out of construction paper.
And as much as I love the Newsies, they are too old to be Lost Boys if the little Darling boys are meant to be their peers. They are actually old enough to be their fathers, and so the whole ‘Wendy be our mother!’ thing is just gross. That’s just gross.
I don’t have the energy to think any more about how dull this production was. I’m too disappointed in such a wasted opportunity. All I can say is thank god for Kelli O’Hara. And next year they better do “Hair”. Something worth watching.
Questions I hope HEX answers before opening night
The brand new musical Hex is due to open tomorrow night at London’s National Theatre. Given its awesome-sounding premise — it’s a dark musical retelling of the Sleeping Beauty story starring the great Rosalie Craig as the fairy responsible for the curse — I was too excited to wait for opening night. Instead, I saw an early preview and. . .well. . .yeesh. Rather than parroting the fellow audience members we overheard as we left the theatre (“wow what an absolute mess”), I’m going to list some of the questions I hope the creatives can manage to answer before the show is frozen. If these questions can be answered in time, and the holes they address fixed, then there’s a chance this show can be saved. There is so much potential in that elevator pitch, but that potential has unfortunately been left to gather dust with Lorelai’s golf clubs.
Question 2. What was Fairy’s backstory?
This question gets to the big hole in the show. Fairy’s sad history is hinted at throughout — she’s the only fairy left; she has no wings; she was ‘left behind’ by all her brethren — but we never hear a ‘why’ for any of it. What happened to all the other fairies? Why is this weird schizophrenic* childish being the only fairy left in the land? Why is she so messed up? How did she get so messed up? Why can’t she think straight? Did she suffer trauma? Is she supposed to be special for surviving, or is it just dumb luck — or bad luck? How did she lose her wings? Answers to any of these questions would go far to help develop the character in interesting ways: why she’s so weird, why she’s alone, why her story deserves to be told. But we get zilch.
*not using offensively; she legitimately is portrayed as schizophrenic, displaying classic symptoms including but not limited to: hearing voices, having delusions and hallucinations, being unable to communicate effectively, having abnormal motor functioning, neglecting personal hygiene, having useless/excessive movement, exhibiting bizarre posture, &c. Which, actually, forces a Question 2b: Why is Fairy portrayed as schizophrenic???
Question 3. Why didn’t the queen sleep?
My crim law professor used to go through alleged facts and point out where something “didn’t pass the smell test”. I thought of that frequently during this show. Let’s start at the very beginning: The queen has a new baby who refuses to sleep. The entire castle’s staff is exhausted. So, the queen orders a lackey to go find a fairy to put the baby to sleep. Okay, so, if they had already gotten a doctor and the doctor couldn’t do anything – and couldn’t find anything wrong with the baby underlying the wakefulness – why not just have the staff rotate caring for the baby? I don’t buy that this self-absorbed (annoying, very panto) queen hadn’t slept. She surely would have go to bed in far away quarters each night and left her staff to watch the baby. (And also, if there’s nothing medically wrong, why turn to black magic? But that would undo the whole myth, so whatever.)
Question 4. What urged Fairy’s hex?
An interesting new aspect of this story is the notion that fairies are supposed to only ‘bless’ (give magical favors that the person being blessed actively wants), rather than ‘hex’ (put magic on a person that they don’t want). She found that the baby didn’t want to sleep, and as a result the fairy didn’t want to force the baby to sleep as that would be a hex. (Drink!) Fairy said the baby would sleep when she was tired, i.e. when she wanted to sleep. This wasn’t good enough for the royal family, and they ‘forced’ Fairy to hex the baby to sleep. The forcing made Fairy so. . . something, that she hexed the baby to sleep unendingly once she gets pricked by a thorn (until, of course, the true love’s kiss). But this huge pivotal moment of the story was rushed through so it was unclear why Fairy did such a hex. Yes she was being held captive and she was clearly stressed out, but what made her think of this specific, peculiar curse with all its random details? Why not hex the people who are actually assaulting her, capturing her? Why not put the baby to sleep then and there? Why do such a bizarre hex? Literally one line supporting her action, revealing anything about her mindset, would have been good. Her decision here is the entire foundation of this story, so it needed to be supported at least a little. I keep seeing Michael in The Good Place waving his hand and saying ‘don’t worry about it’ in response to questions.
Question 5. What happened to the staff?
The baby, Rose, grew up sheltered in an attempt to prevent her from ever being pricked by a thorn. But that day finally came when she was a teen, and she fell into her hexed sleep. Rose woke up after 100 years, ostensibly having long been alone in the castle. No one else was there. Did the existing staff really abandon this cursed princess? There was no plan put in place by previous royals to continue keeping watch over this child throughout her slumber, throughout the subsequent generations? I don’t buy that at all! That’s so irresponsible! Abolish the monarchy!
Question 6. Are the murderous thorns supposed to be funny?
The personified ‘thorns’ who pricked Rose to sleep then set about pricking every single prince who tries to enter the kingdom to lift the curse, sending them into long-term sleep as well. (Though it seems at first like straight up murder.) This whole segment is done like a creepier murdery-er version of the Oompa Loompa songs but it’s also clearly supposed to be funny. I found it so cringey. So much murderous energy. So much of an annoying song. So much time devoted to these giant murderous thorns who want to put everyone who crosses their path to sleep forever?? I hated it.
Question 7. How did Rose know wassup?
When Bert* wakes Rose up and they immediately seem to love each other, how did Rose — who has been asleep 100 years and before that lived a completely sheltered childhood to prevent the cursed (two syllables) thorn prick — seem totally in the know about love and sex and I don’t know IMMEDIATELY HAVING TWO BABIES?? She would be a total Nell ta ta, not a regular modern teen who is totally chill with becoming a teen mom with no support system.
*Question 7b. What kind of name for a prince is Bert?
Question 8. What’s going on with the music?
With each of the songs, I struggled to get a handle on what was happening. Instead of a cohesive single song (let alone cohesive score), each movement felt like different groups of small musical phrases smashed together, never coalescing into actual songs with melodies, or foundations, or points. It was a very strange chaotic experience, to think you grasp what a song sounds like and what it’s doing and then have it keep shifting away from you musically, in a lawless deranged way rather than a creative way. And there was so much of the modern pop vocalizing/shrieking/riffing instead of legitimate singing, a trend I truly despise. Of course Rosalie sounds wonderful but her talents are not given enough to work with.
Question 9. Why was the whole second act focusing on the ogre grandmother eating her grandchildren?
This was where every audience member I could see was imitating my favorite little blonde toddler girl gif, you know the one. The action shifted to focus entirely on the ogre queen wanting to eat her grandkids and being unable to control herself. Why, just so much why. Why didn’t Fairy tell Rose that the ogre was after her babies and would probably kill her too and urge her to GTFO RIGHT NOW? Instead Fairy killed some animals to trick the queen into believing she was eating the babies. Is Fairy that inept, that much a bumbling fool? It was insufferable. Why didn’t she just say RUN instead of cowering with the babies? It took a helluva lot more time to hunt down the goat and the rabbit and whatever it was (NOT great sound effects of slaughter btw, could definitely have done without that awful harrowing bullshit) than it would have to just shove the babies into the arms of their mother and shove them all out the door.
Question 10. Why don’t the book and score match up?
My biggest problem (okay they’re all the biggest) was that the book didn’t make sense on its own, and then the song lyrics didn’t match the book/action at all. It reminded me of the Broadway flop A Tale of Two Cities. In that show, this powerful supporting character spends the whole show wanting to get revenge for her brother, and then in Act II sings her big number, the main lyric of which was ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ Which had exactly zero to do with her character’s situation or the need for revenge for her brother. It was like, wtf?? That’s not what’s happening here, that’s not what you’ve been saying? I thought of that during this show.
Specific songs:
– Bert’s song was both indecipherable and also a heroic pomp-y song but in a creepy minor key. Why that key if it’s supposed to be a pump-up song? It didn’t fit to introduce the character.
– The opening song of Act II, with all the suitors singing about maybe one day finally being the one or one day it’ll be me or maybe this time or whatever, made no sense. These people also just woke up from decades being cursed asleep, and their first thought is about one day winning? getting the prize? (the princess? gross) and not about ‘oh my god where is my family, where is my home, do I not have a home anymore? how many years of my life did I miss?’ What do you mean one day it’ll be you, do you know you just woke up from like 80 years asleep? You just got a miracle second chance done on you and you’re complaining about the before times? Go see about your life, men! Make it make sense.
– The big climactic song about how everyone is different on the outside vs the inside was the greatest example of the aforementioned Tale of Two Cities illogicality. The lyrics do not reflect what had been told in the story. Rose says she’s smart on the outside? She has not lived at all and left two babies unattended for an ogre to catch! Bert says on the outside he’s seen as a hero? He hasn’t done shit heroically yet! No one thinks you’re a hero! Worst of all, the ogre who just thought she happily ate her grandbabies says that she is going to start being true to herself. BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF IS EATING BABIES! You need to work to NOT be true to yourself!!!
Question 11: Why is the promising Rose and Bert conflict treated like an afterthought?
The Rose and Bert conflict is infuriatingly done. He doesn’t believe what Rose says about his mother – that she’s an ogre and so on – and he NEVER DOES believe her, not until his mother reveals the truth herself. Yet afterward, Rose is the one to run after him to apologize, leaving her babies unattended. I mean I guess that’s all believable for an 18-year-old who just woke up but I don’t think it was presented in that way. It seemed actually presented as her needing to apologize to him, which is absolutely bonkers. And it all seemed secondary to Fairy trembling and wincing around the stage and also wanting to be friends with the ogre? When did the ogre become her best friend? See so many questions.
The most frustrating part of this show (okay it’s all the most frustrating part) is that in this climactic segment, instead of having a song about Rose and Bert’s conflict and giving some character depth and development through song as musicals are supposed to do, they give us a silly R&B song for the suitors that lifts right out. Another point in the panto column.
Question 11b: Why does Rose consider the suitors, who she never met until right now, her best friends? They have all been asleep and never met before.
I have more questions, like why is the humor geared to the lowest common denominator? why are there so many elements that evidence a favoring of panto over the musical art form? is this for kids or adults? but I’ve asked enough. With some work, it would be a decent show – it has so much promise in that premise. But it’s presented as though the creatives don’t believe in the premise and instead stuff the hours with low-grade jokes, unfinished sentences, and mere sketches of characters. Hex was unfortunately tonally confused and sloppy. I hope there is time to answer these questions before the show is set so that it can try to find its proper footing.
INFORMATION
Hex opens Wednesday December 15 at the National Theatre. At my performance, Act I ran from 7:20 to 8:38, Act II ended at 9:55. Hilariously, the placards outside the doors said the run time was 2 hours 34 minutes, a mind-boggling specificity that I will never understand the point of announcing.
