"Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" Season 2: Episodes 1 & 2!!by Randi / April 15, 2016
Sooo many amazing lines! Let’s jump right in!
The third episode might not have been as solid overall as #2, but oh my goodness was it chockfull of quotable lines! So many video clips to share here! But at times, the episode felt disjointed, full of hilarious jokes but not great story arcs. It was more like ways to shoehorn jokes into one script. But what great jokes!
Jacqueline has ended her search for a fabulous apartment, sort of – she found a sick place but can only afford rent for a few months. She has her $11.5 million painting on the wall and a ludicrously expensive carpet below it, and well that is it for furniture! Well aside from “those Philippe Starck ghost chairs” she points to (empty space, amazing). Hasn’t she ever heard of Ikea? The best is when Kimmy falls on the carpet, gets yelled at by Jacqueline who says how much it cost ($30,000), leading Kimmy to roll long-ways off the carpet while apologizing to it. Although Jacq is in dire straits, she still is paying top dollar for Abattoir, the doggie, to get the best dog massage in Manhattan (courtesy of Broadway’s Derek Klena! This show is the new Law & Order for Broadway performers). “This is Abattoir? I thought you two were sisters!” the masseur says to Jacqueline, like it’s a compliment to look like a dog’s sister.
EPISODE 3: Kimmy Goes to a Play!
The third episode might not have been as solid overall as #2, but oh my goodness was it chockfull of quotable lines! So many video clips to share here! But at times, the episode felt disjointed, full of hilarious jokes but not great story arcs. It was more like ways to shoehorn jokes into one script. But what great jokes!
Jacqueline has ended her search for a fabulous apartment, sort of – she found a sick place but can only afford rent for a few months. She has her $11.5 million painting on the wall and a ludicrously expensive carpet below it, and well that is it for furniture! Well aside from “those Philippe Starck ghost chairs” she points to (empty space, amazing). Hasn’t she ever heard of Ikea? The best is when Kimmy falls on the carpet, gets yelled at by Jacqueline who says how much it cost ($30,000), leading Kimmy to roll long-ways off the carpet while apologizing to it. Although Jacq is in dire straits, she still is paying top dollar for Abattoir, the doggie, to get the best dog massage in Manhattan (courtesy of Broadway’s Derek Klena! This show is the new Law & Order for Broadway performers). “This is Abattoir? I thought you two were sisters!” the masseur says to Jacqueline, like it’s a compliment to look like a dog’s sister.
That’s all very fun and good, but then she goes kind of off the rails trying to nab a rich old man to take over as her Mr. Moneybags. It’s sort of funny when she meets an old acquaintance and compliments him on his surgery that has pulled up his former extra neck skin to be his new face skin with it all tied it a top knot under his hair, ‘the same surgery Trump had!’, but then when she sits on his lap and tries to make out with him, it’s all just too much and too unfunny. I just want Jacqueline to return to being the funny-worst person onscreen and not this sad curry-worst person.
As for Titus, while we can be happy that he found the motivation and energy to write and stage a one-man play, the result is bound to create a crapload of controversy. The silver lining in this probably racially insensitive bit is that there was some actually funny comedy sprinkled amid the storyline, unlike the definitely racially insensitive Native American b.s.
So what was his play? Remember at the beginning of episode 1, which was a peek into the future with various Christmas stockings hanging for names we didn’t know? One of those names was Murasaki, and we learned who that is here: one of Titus’s personas from a past life, that of a Japanese geisha. Yes, Titus’s one-man play was him in…Japanese face, in geisha attire, singing old traditional folk songs and telling his/her story. The writers tried to preempt the controversy this plot would face in real life by having Titus face controversy in the show, by way of an online Asian community that named Titus one of its “Hitlers” for his racism and cultural insensitivity. The group bought all the tickets to his show in order to boo throughout. But then Titus sang and it was beautiful, so beautiful it made the internet Hitlers stop booing him and stop calling him a Hitler. And then one girl got stuck in a social justice cycle of apology and disappeared into thin air – that was so random but kind of funny as a comment on commentary. This whole plotline was pretty ridiculous and allowed for some really funny lines, but…but…I don’t think the meta commentary of including the backlash to his play in the actual show excuses the issues. I’m not the person who can say so definitively, but I’m pretty sure it is still problematic.
But aside from racism! Funnies! AND, a cameo by our favorite nemesis of Titus, Coriolanus (James Monroe Iglehart)!!
I’m not sure what Kimmy was up to this episode besides just being around as a sidepiece. That’s what that means. I loved the very-Kimmy cold open, with her asking Titus heated questions about why the ghosts are haunting poor Pac-Man! I also liked the blink-and-you-miss-it posters on the street for Silverfish Poison, a nice call-back to Episode 1.
As for Titus, while we can be happy that he found the motivation and energy to write and stage a one-man play, the result is bound to create a crapload of controversy. The silver lining in this probably racially insensitive bit is that there was some actually funny comedy sprinkled amid the storyline, unlike the definitely racially insensitive Native American b.s.
So what was his play? Remember at the beginning of episode 1, which was a peek into the future with various Christmas stockings hanging for names we didn’t know? One of those names was Murasaki, and we learned who that is here: one of Titus’s personas from a past life, that of a Japanese geisha. Yes, Titus’s one-man play was him in…Japanese face, in geisha attire, singing old traditional folk songs and telling his/her story. The writers tried to preempt the controversy this plot would face in real life by having Titus face controversy in the show, by way of an online Asian community that named Titus one of its “Hitlers” for his racism and cultural insensitivity. The group bought all the tickets to his show in order to boo throughout. But then Titus sang and it was beautiful, so beautiful it made the internet Hitlers stop booing him and stop calling him a Hitler. And then one girl got stuck in a social justice cycle of apology and disappeared into thin air – that was so random but kind of funny as a comment on commentary. This whole plotline was pretty ridiculous and allowed for some really funny lines, but…but…I don’t think the meta commentary of including the backlash to his play in the actual show excuses the issues. I’m not the person who can say so definitively, but I’m pretty sure it is still problematic.
But aside from racism! Funnies! AND, a cameo by our favorite nemesis of Titus, Coriolanus (James Monroe Iglehart)!!
I’m not sure what Kimmy was up to this episode besides just being around as a sidepiece. That’s what that means. I loved the very-Kimmy cold open, with her asking Titus heated questions about why the ghosts are haunting poor Pac-Man! I also liked the blink-and-you-miss-it posters on the street for Silverfish Poison, a nice call-back to Episode 1.
Carol Kane in half a minute proves how good an actress she is, when she realizes that the graffiti tag she thought was for the gang ‘effe 10 cinco’ was really spelling ‘Fios’, marking where the new Fios cables would run in her sadly gentrifying neighborhood. You can see how crushed she is and like, it’s so out of place and weird for this show but your heart breaks for her because she’s so damn good! She’s not a witch she’s your wife!
“Sesame street was based on this neighborhood because this guy lives in a garbage can, AND, there’s a gigantic furry monster that only I can see.” I love her.
Other lines that had me cackling – this is maybe the longest list you’ll ever see:
Kimmy, in response to Titus’s claiming he was a Japanese woman in a past life and will be portraying her in a one-man show: “Well, if Aisha Tyler can play a white woman on “Friends”, then I guess it’s okay.” BURN at “Friends”! I’m okay with it! deserved!
Our first greatness that can only be captured with video: Amy Sedaris, the great Amy Sedaris, who is sort of the antithesis of the Fred Armisen sitcom rule (she is a guest star in a lot of them, but she’s always welcome), rushing into Jacqueline’s apartment as Jacqueline shouts “No shoes on the rug!” Cue Amy kicking off her shoes with expert timing and skill. Had to pause for you, Mimi Kanasis.
Titus’s show was called “Kimono You Didn’t!” Bahaha! I think they thought of this joke first and then wrote an entire plotline around it.
“No face journeys”
Jacqueline: His name is Douglas, and he’s coasting on looks!
Douglas: YOLO!!!
I also cackled at this interaction with Jacqueline and her wanna-be DJ boytoy:
“No face journeys”
Jacqueline: His name is Douglas, and he’s coasting on looks!
Douglas: YOLO!!!
I also cackled at this interaction with Jacqueline and her wanna-be DJ boytoy:
Jane is back with the best zingers!
Titus: “DJs? Ew! No! Their poor parents.”
AutoCorrect fun times: Kimmy gets a text: “Sorry guys, Jacqueline needs me to get the duck over here.” It’s not the funniest autocorrect joke I saw on TV this week (that honor goes to “Jane the Virgin” for making me absolutely crack up when a tipsy Jane texts Raf “All food here!” Amazing quick joke) but it was improved by Kimmy’s comment “Now I have to figure out where to get one”.
Kimmy, telling Titus she sold out his show: “Guess who’s coming to see it?”
Titus: “Patti LuPone? Patti LaBelle. I’m out of Pattis. Does it have to be a Patti or did I do that?”
And, my favorite of the episode:
Kimmy: “What happened to all your other kimonos?”
Titus’s response, only acceptable in video form:
Titus: “DJs? Ew! No! Their poor parents.”
AutoCorrect fun times: Kimmy gets a text: “Sorry guys, Jacqueline needs me to get the duck over here.” It’s not the funniest autocorrect joke I saw on TV this week (that honor goes to “Jane the Virgin” for making me absolutely crack up when a tipsy Jane texts Raf “All food here!” Amazing quick joke) but it was improved by Kimmy’s comment “Now I have to figure out where to get one”.
Kimmy, telling Titus she sold out his show: “Guess who’s coming to see it?”
Titus: “Patti LuPone? Patti LaBelle. I’m out of Pattis. Does it have to be a Patti or did I do that?”
And, my favorite of the episode:
Kimmy: “What happened to all your other kimonos?”
Titus’s response, only acceptable in video form:
Kimmy’s face & nodding while Titus just crazily yells! It’s all so good! Titus was totally back to his bad self with all these amazing lines. THIS (next) was the best part of the episode too, and one of my favorite parts of the whole series, maybe:
After reading bad online reactions to his portraying a Japanese woman, Titus complained “Why can’t I be Murasaki? I/she AM/was me/her!”
After reading bad online reactions to his portraying a Japanese woman, Titus complained “Why can’t I be Murasaki? I/she AM/was me/her!”
Absolutely brilliant!!!
EPISODE 4: Kimmy Kidnaps Gretchen!
Remember the above recap you just read that had a metric shittonne of quotent quotables? Well, hate to say it, but I think they used up most of their funny lines on that one, leaving a few paltry bits for Episode 4. The good ones were really good, but they were few and far between.
However, there was more heart in this one than any other so far. Titus has agreed to go on a date with incredibly normal construction worker Mikey, who seems like a totally decent, kind, average guy and thus a very odd match for the bigger-than-life personality of Titus. But for a long time, Titus has been shielding his heart from any potential hurt by keeping men at arm’s length and never going on a second date. He plays this off as his being too cool for school/mere mortals, but he admits that most of his exes just never cared enough to come back. Really sad! I don’t want Titus to be sad! I want Mikey to make him happy!
I love loved their first interaction, when Mikey surprised the still-coccooning Titus hours before their date because he was fuh-reaking out with anxious prep questions:
Mikey: “If we go to a gay bar, can I get a beer? And which one of us opens doors for the other? Or are there no doors? Do we not use doors?!?!?!?!”
Titus: “You gotta make like a 30-year-old single girl and settle.”
At first, their dynamic is played from the angle that Mikey is this totally new baby of a gay man, freshly out, which would leave Titus with a lot of responsibility to teach him all the secret handshakes and stuff. I loved when Titus is complaining about how big a job it would be to teach Mikey all the things “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”-style, but how that show had it so much easier:
Titus: “I’m just one man! They had five guys! And now I want a hamburger!!”
They go on their first date to a hot gay bar/club that won’t let them in because they aren’t hot/cool (is that confusing for ESL people) enough, which leads to the funniest stretch of the episode. First of all, did you notice the name of the club?? It was SCOTUS! Bahahahha amazing. When they dejectedly walked away from the velvet rope, this genius happened:
Titus: “Should we make like Queen Elizabeth and dub this a night?”
DIED.
But instead, Titus and Mikey bonded by talking about movies, especially ‘The Lion King’ and how Timon and Pumbaa had the most beautiful relationship. Titus even allowed himself to break his #1 date rule: he ate in front of him. His issues run deep though, and Lillian found him alone in the morning, deciding to never call Mikey again, despite Lillian’s romantically covering the bed with rose petals – or really, barbecue potato chips. It sounded kind of dumb until we actually see Titus lying in the bed covered in chips! It was so funny when he moved around and the chips flew all about. Ridiculous! Then he and Lillian had another spectacular exchange:
Lillian: “Liar!! I watched the parade of men in and out of your door for ten years!”
Titus: “Well you should thank me – most people pay good money for parades.”
FIRST OF ALL, Carol Kane said Liar!!! Ahh! Thank you writers room! And this Titus line was gold. I loved this whole story line with Titus trying to work out his deep insecurities enough to Mikey a chance. I also loved how the dynamic was flipped by the end of the episode, with Mikey our nice guy being the one who has to agree to take on the burden of helping Titus with his issues, not the other way around. ALSO, Titus at one point said, “I once went to a New Years Eve party dressed as Nathan Lane Bryant; it was moderately well-received.” Best costume hybrid idea since Sandra Dee O’Connor, Dirty Harry Potter, and Tinkerbell Tailor Soldier Spy!
Sadly, while Titus had this great storyline, one that actually might give this show a plot we care about for more than one episode, Kimmy had a not-so-great one: Her old bunker-sister-wife Gretchen has found her way into yet another cult, this one based around cosmetology. Other sestra notified Kimmy about it by emailing an ad for the cosmetology cult’s cruise, leaving NYC the next day. This led to another wonderful rendition of the Bunny & Kitty theme song, thankfully. Kimmy somehow became an evil genius and figured out a smart way to kidnap Gretchen – put “Gretchen check-in” signs near the Crew check-in signs at the docks to lead her out. Worked a treat. But then we had a whole episode of Kimmy trying to help Gretchen figure out what she wants in life instead of just following another cult leader. I don’t care about Gretchen, guys. Like at all, she sucks. Give me a whole episode about the crazy Mexican sestra, that would be AMAZING. But Gretchen is lame sauce, and while her crazy night had a few funnies, it mostly made me feel like I was watching an Italian farce where I just want to stop people from doing dumb things. The end, with her finding her ‘path’ by starting a cult and being the leader instead of being a follower, was um not the greatest. Cults are not good, whether you are being taken advantage of or taking advantage of others. So, um, let’s get back on track next time!
Also? Zero Jane Krakowski in this episode! What is THAT about?! I hope next week Jane is back in top form and Titus & Mikey are happy!
***
Do you need a refresher on Episodes 1 & 2? Find it here!
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Tom Stoppard’s New Epic Leopoldstadt is Just What this Town Needs
It’s Theatre Thursday! Today’s show is Leopoldstadt, playing at London’s Wyndham’s Theatre in an open-ended run.
I mean, man alive. If you want to feel like you’ve been punched in the gut but are really grateful for it, then you are ready for Tom Stoppard’s new, and possibly his last, play Leopoldstadt. Following an extended Jewish family from 1899 in Vienna until, well, later, the play is a heavy exploration of how this family’s fortunes changed from one generation to the next and how their country treated them over time. The giant cast and the constantly changing ages of the characters prevent real attachment to any individual – or real grasping of who’s who – but the details are less important than the serious emotional pull created in this powerful work.
And that emotional heft is considerable. Despite not fully understanding how each relative was connected (there’s a family tree in the programme, but good luck keeping it all straight (you won’t!)), those particulars weren’t necessary to understand who these people were and to care in general about what was going to happen as we get further into the 20th century. The play achieves an almost immediate sense of intimacy with this family, helped by little glimpses of how all the members interact, throwing us right into their gatherings and conversations without wasting time explaining. The visuals help as well, with the lush Christmas celebration at the start and the same room slowly changing, and dwindling, scene by scene.
The family quickly feels familiar, even though with each scene change and time jump you have new faces to put to somewhat-old names as well as new names and faces to try to connect to those old names you sort of remember. (Don’t think about it too hard, too too hard.) When the names do stick, the payoff is remarkable (especially when you think e.g. ‘oh that little tot Heini is supes adorbs’ and then at the last part of the show you squeaky cry remembering who he is). We follow the family through a changing Vienna and a changing Leopoldstadt, the Jewish quarter, as they go from well-to-do members of the business community, to people forbidden from working, owning property, being citizens of their own land. You know what’s coming, but it never feels predictable, only powerful.
I’m fascinated by how a master playwright can take aspects of a show that would otherwise be somewhat trying and make it wonderful. The broken cup coming on the night of broken glass felt poetic and not at all transparent. There’s a lot of speechifying in this show, the sort where I’d often be like ‘ALRIGHT WRAP IT UP CUBA’ and think about how much more effective and efficient it would have been to express those ideas shared through dialogue or action. But the long monologues, especially between the two brothers in the first scene on what it means to be Jewish and never be able to stop being it, I found riveting. Despite several long speeches, breadth of characters instead of depth, and the overall feeling of impending doom, I never felt antsy (nor did I consider how I would fix this show, which as you know is one of my main hobbies).
As usual with plays of this subject matter, the relevance for society today is pretty overwhelming. It’s an important, powerful play that’s aware of its importance without being obvious about it. There’s so much for audiences to learn from it, especially London audiences (including one lesson from Fritz, an asshole for sure, as I wish more anti-Semites would take their lead from him and refuse to fight Jews. I mean that would help a lot of American rallies for one thing.)
All my belly-aching about how Jews and Jewishness are treated (spoiler: badly) in London theatre, and Stoppard comes along with a play doing everything right. Patrick Marber’s direction is great (jew!), Tom’s son Ed is acting in it (jew!), and not to assume things but at least some of the many Jewish-sounding names in the cast have to pan out (jews!). Aside from sobbing at the end so hard that I had literally yoga breathe to not make squeaky noises in the silent theatre, I left feeling pleased with what this powerful show does to improve London’s track record in this regard.
INFORMATION
The show is 2 ½ hours. Act I ended at 20:30 on the dot, so it’s a rare occurrence of a second act being longer but the play still being good.
We sat for the first time at Wyndham’s in the stalls boxes – it’s a private box but instead of up the sides of the theatre, it’s behind the last row of the stalls at ground level. None of the ushers seemed to know how to get to it (it has its own door from outside!) but luckily the house manager who took care of us was amazing. Weird, but we kind of loved it! There’s no one whispering behind you! No one around you bothering the everloving fork out of you! No one in front who you can see trying and failing to sneakily use their phones on their laps (although the people in front of us were full on Seinfeld-at-Schindler’s-Listing, which is forking nonsense. you’re at a HOLOCAUST SHOW. have some g-d DECENCY). Anyway would sit again.
“Honeymoon In Vegas” on Broadway is More Fun Than it Should Be
Obviously, they made a Broadway musical of the movie “Honeymoon In Vegas”, because the story of a nice but weak-willed man who loses a shittonne of money to a Vegas casino mogul who in turn requests a weekend with nice man’s fiancée who is a dead ringer for casino man’s dead wife instead of holding him to his losses just screeeeams Broadway musical. No, I’m actually not being sarcastic. This musical freaking works.
If you haven’t seen the movie “Honeymoon In Vegas”, with those celebrated dramatists Sarah Jessica Parker and Nicholas Cage, you really need to watch it right now. It’s one of those awful but amazing movies that is completely offensive when you think about it but if you choose not to think about it then it’s just super fun. Nicholas Cage plays a man who is haunted by his deceased overbearing mother who told him never to get married. His unlucky blonde girlfriend Betsy (Sarah Jessica Parker) obviously wants to get married because that is all women aspire to do in life, and also they are always blonde if they are worth all this fuss/treating as currency.
If you haven’t seen the movie “Honeymoon In Vegas”, with those celebrated dramatists Sarah Jessica Parker and Nicholas Cage, you really need to watch it right now. It’s one of those awful but amazing movies that is completely offensive when you think about it but if you choose not to think about it then it’s just super fun. Nicholas Cage plays a man who is haunted by his deceased overbearing mother who told him never to get married. His unlucky blonde girlfriend Betsy (Sarah Jessica Parker) obviously wants to get married because that is all women aspire to do in life, and also they are always blonde if they are worth all this fuss/treating as currency.
In the movie, James Caan plays the rich casino guy Tommy Korman, who conspires to trick Nicholas Cage out of lots of money in a fixed poker game, knowing he can’t pay, and says that he’ll forego the debt if he gets to borrow Betsy for a weekend. I mean, it’s pretty much the least feminist movie you can think of and yet I’m okay with it. Mostly because there are flying Elvises and because Nicholas Cage yells “Betsy!!!!!!” so well at the end.
Okay, so it’s on Broadway now with a score by my love Jason Robert Brown, in a serious detour from his past/serious/artistic stuff. You can tell he had fun with this one, relishing the opportunity to write hysterical, silly songs in a range of styles suitable for Vegas, from Sinatra-like crooning to Elvis-style rock to an actual number about straight flushes. The show stars the already great Rob McClure as Nicholas Cage, well as Jack Singer, and he is the biggest reason to see this show. I said already great because Rob has only recently become a recognizable name in the Broadway community, after his fabulous Tony-nominated performance in “Chaplin”. (He’s also widely considered the best guy to work with on shows, as no one beats his work ethic.) The producers are hoping that you want to see the show because Tommy Korman is played by Tony Danza, yes that Tony Danza, and no when I met him after and got a freaking picture with him and his arm was on my back I FORGOT TO SAY “Hold me closer Tony Danza” and I will never ever forgive myself for missing that opportunity of a lifetime.
Anyway, Rob as Jack is completely winning, and despite the character’s serious commitment phobia and other flaws, he successfully wins you over with the very first song. He’s in New York, and he sings about all the things in life he enjoys and likes, but how the thing he loves is Betsy. “I like taxis, I like trains, I like Brooklyn when it rains, but I love Betsy. I like walking after dark, I like jogs in Prospect Park, but I love Betsy.” It’s catchy as f@&$, unfortunately, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head for 3 weeks now. He’s so adorable in this song, and so necessarily charming, that he gains needed leeway in terms of your forgiveness for his actions to come. Comparing his girlfriend to all these activities and objects that he merely likes is also a great way to set the tone of the misogynist show to come, in a chipper way.
The high energy continues as Jack takes Betsy to Tiffany’s to finally propose, and in a fantastic little bit of theatre magic, one of the display cases turns in an instant to a hospital bed holding his dying mother, the ridiculously hilarious Nancy Opel, in a flashback to her death 10 years prior. She tells her son never to get married because no woman would ever love him like she does. It’s pretty absurd and amazing all at once, and it all just works.
Actually, side note, the most absurd and amazing part of the show was when the people sitting behind me – who I recognized from the rush line that morning, so they know at least a little about living – were talking and one girl said “What’s this about?” and the other said “Oh you never saw the movie? It’s like this really interesting drama that Woody Allen wrote and directed and you can tell it’s just sooo Woody Allen, you know?” I died. The movie is written by the guy who wrote “Fletch”, FFS. Not Woody Allen. My brother had tears. And he said loudly later “Yeah I love that they kept so many of Woody’s lines” and other things to mock these idiots. It was HILARIOUS. Also in line for the bathroom, these old ladies were talking about how “the girl in the Demi Moore part” was adorable and how “no one can beat Robert Redford, though.” Which is at least a tiny bit more forgivable because “Indecent Proposal” is just the slightly less funny version of the same exact movie, but still. How do people not know “Honeymoon In Vegas”?! It’s a Cage classic!
The pacing of this first act is so tight and really well done. Tony Danza as Tommy Korman is fantastic. He can’t really sing, and he is given WAY too many ballads that prove this, but he is pure charisma and he oozes that mobster-ish sleazy charm. He also gets a tap number that is actually really impressive.
My favorite Tony/Tommy song is pretty awful, in subject matter and black humor, but it’s so funny. When he first sees Betsy in his casino, he is shocked at her resemblance to his late wife. How did his wife die, you ask? Well, he sings about it. We move to a beach scene, and his wife is laying by the pool in the sun. Day after day after day. Tommy sings about how he should have made her get out of the sun. She died of skin cancer. It’s awful. But it’s so funny! Some people are saying how this song is really offensive and unfunny, but everyone in my packed audience thought it was hilarious. Also, it’s a good message?
Anyway, everything gets more ridiculous as Jack decides to go to a poker game Tommy invited him to, instead of rushing to marry Betsy as they came to Vegas to do. He says he’ll just be an hour, but obviously he stays much longer and she gets upset while shopping for her dress and all her shoes and stuff because she is a woman and just shops and shakes her head disapprovingly while she waits to get married. Brynn O’Malley is great in the role, really lovely and a strong singer, but she must have to do some serious readjusting of the brain pan after every show. I hope that she has a sign over the mirror in her dressing room that says “You are a worthwhile person and not just as currency!” or something like that.
So as the poker game goes on and on, this one song obviously called “The Game” goes on and on, and showgirls hold up enormous playing cards to show the men’s hands. It’s all just so ridiculous and yet so enjoyable. That’s the basic summary of this show. Anyway, they get to the part of the song when they sing “Straight flush!” and “Jack of diamonds, queen of diamonds, king of diamonds…” etc. as the notes get higher and higher. I really love that JRB wrote that. So Jack bets more money than he has and OMG I just realized why her name is Betsy, because she ends up standing in for his bets or something I wonder if the writers did that on purpose or if that’s just a really wonderful coincidence??? Yes so Jack loses $58,000 even thought he had a straight flush to the king, because Tommy had a straight flush to the ace. Yeah that is totally realistic and would ever possibly happen in a million years. No, we learn later Tommy obviously cheated.
Without the money to pay his losses, Jack is pretty forlorn and torn apart. Luckily! Tommy says heyyyy, how about we come to an agreement – this is the song called “An Agreement” – where I get to borrow your fiancée for the weekend? And Jack says absolutely not, that is disgusting and wrong! But Tommy has all that Terry Benedict charm and convinces Jack that it’s the only way to not lose Betsy, because if she found out how much money he lost, she would leave him anyway. So it’s worth a try!! No, it’s really not.
When Jack tells her what has happened, Betsy is obviously shocked and mortified and she refuses to be treated as currency, but then she gets reminded that she is a woman and that she only matters so far as the men say she does, so she agrees. I don’t know, it makes sense during the show but then when you think about it you are like whaaaaaaaaaaaaat. So she goes to Hawaii with Tommy, who like owns an island, and Jack is like what? You can’t take my fiancée to Hawaii! And Tommy’s people are like, well you only had parameters on the timeframe, not the location. Boom! Lawyered!
Jack realizes he was a total idiot and he flies to Hawaii to save Betsy from her lovely weekend with Tommy, who is nice but so sleazy. He even hired people to pretend to be his relatives so he would look good. And of course he lies about how much money Jack actually lost; when Betsy mentions the $58,000, Tommy says “Is that what he told you? He only lost $800!” or something horrendous that you’d assume Betsey wouldn’t believe, or that she’d at least be suspicious, but she is like drunk and really likes the pineapple in Hawaii so she believes him. Meanwhile, Jack tries to find Tommy’s house but Tommy pretty much owns everyone and everything on the island and he planned ahead to make sure everyone does their darnedest to keep Jack distracted if he followed them. The weakest part of the show is when the local Hawaiian, Mahi, yes that is her name, tries to seduce Jack in the jungle in a song called “Friki Friki.” I don’t know if I have ever cringed so hard during a song in a show. I wish they cut that. The rest of the audience seemed to like it though, somehow.
While Jack is being led all over tarnation by Tommy’s people, Tony Danza is inexplicably getting more and more ballads to sing and Betsy is getting drunker and madder at her spineless fiancé, so she agrees to marry Tommy. Okay monster man. They immediately fly back to Vegas. Jack finds out, and – in the most important scene of the movie and therefore of the play – hitches a ride back to Vegas with a troop of Flying Elvises, with his only option for landing being to skydive with them. It’s the best! I wish the show’s budget had had room for a more impressive skydive display, but then again it is happening on a stage, so it’s okay. The Elvises are a lot of fun, and Rob does his best Cage impression when he yells ‘BETSY!!!!’ and even though these Elvises are skydiving and landing who knows where in relation to the Las Vegas Strip, Betsy obviously hears him and runs up to him because we like things to be realistic. They reconcile and apologize and yada yada yada they get hitched and it’s all really happy and fun and that’s the show, folks. You really should see it.
