The Best Wedding Ever, slash How to Plan a Vegan Wedding in Less Than Two Months

      If you can’t tell by the title of this post, I’m a bit peeved. Tony Horton has gone even crazier than he was before. 
      After hearing that “bum-ba-bum-ba-bum-bum BEACHBODY” title ditty nearly every day for the last five years, I was/am excited to try the fitness empire’s newest offering: P90X3. It will be very trying to give up my favorite workout, Insanity!, for 3 months, but I am curious to see if X3 really can provide the power plays of the original P90X in half the time. (God those P90X strength hours were boooooring. Thank goodness for Bobby Stevenson and Daniel Haas. And, of course, Pam the Blam, who I want to be president.) I decided to review X3 here to keep me motivated. In doing the newest X workout, I hope that 1) I will be able to do all kinds of creative pull-ups by the end, and many of them, and 2) I’ll restart Insanity! for the bazillionth time after finishing and do better than ever. (I’ll review that one too, when we get there.)

      But after finishing Week 1, do you know what I’ve accomplished? I’ve been able to hold my shit together enough to not throw the 5-pound weight at the TV as Tony repeatedly and continuously reviews the selling points of X3 and mocks people who go to the gym instead. It bears repeating – he wastes most of his airtime trying to sell a system that the people watching HAVE ALREADY BOUGHT. It’s nigh infuriating. Has he lost his mind? Does he not realize what he’s doing? Does he not realize how annoying it is, or that many people, including yours truly, cannot harness the power of Thor and work out at her best when she is so annoyed? 
       It’s not all bad. Some of the workouts actually do provide a great workout in only 30 minutes. Some of them suck. Let’s review week 1! 

Day 1: Total Synergistics
     Kind of mad about this workout! During this mixture of strength moves, I didn’t break a sweat – and that is not a comment about how I’m so in shape or anything like that. It’s just slow and sparse with moves (yet it felt longer than my usual actually longer workouts). I hope that it is easier to balance out what is coming tomorrow, but I can’t help feeling cheated out of a workout today.
    A few things:

• Cold Start, the 12-minute warm-up to add when it’s extra cold out, or when you are extra tight, is on every DVD. It’s not a separate DVD. This would have been helpful to know before starting, because I wasted 20 minutes looking for it and searching for “I didn’t get Cold Start DVD in my X3 package!” tweets. 
• The Branon Boat is my favorite move from this. It’s a difficult ab move that I can pretty much do, but not easily, and I can tell that with practice I will improve. That’s how the exercises should be. 
• Crawly Push Ups were fun, but they weren’t enough to make up for the lackluster push-up presence.

As for the backup team, Dreya is back! But she is a shadow of her former self, and it made me sad. She can still kick some serious ass, but she no longer has an ass. :/

Day 2: Agility X
     This was a much better workout than Total Synergistics, but it’s not even as good as Plyo X from regular P90X. Again, it just felt like half of that workout, not a more intense version. 
      So, this workout requires that you tape up your floor so you have exact points to aim for while you jump and run. I like that in theory, but in practice it sucks. Who has floors equipped for this? My tape slipped all over. 
     This workout has the famous plyo push-ups that we saw in the teaser trailer, and they are amazingly fun. I took it easy and didn’t go very high off the ground, because I like having the use of my wrists. How is this move harder than the power push-ups in Insanity, when you jump to your feet? It doesn’t make sense. But it is. Nice move! 
      All the running along the tapes seemed very silly. It would have been great to do during the warm-up, but it seemed lame to be the crux of the workout. In contrast, the jumping from X to X on one leg was a solid, difficult move. Approved! 
     The last 5 minutes of this video is the main reason for my annoyance at Tony. For way too long, he pretends to be a guy going to the gym, needing to change out of his suit from work, and using the elliptical machine and not getting good results, etc. Basically, 5 minutes of preaching to the choir that ‘this is the way to exercise’. Like, WE ALREADY BOUGHT THIS. What the hell is his point? It is actually revoltingly annoying. 
     It’s not helped by Tony’s repeated suggestions that one of the backup team members, Lauren, ‘Beyonce-ify’ everything. What the hell. It’s really annoying. Between the Beyoncification and Tony’s sales pitch, I dread doing this workout again. 

Day 3: Yoga X3
     Hot damn. Ok. So I know from the forums that Yoga X, the 90-minute Yoga from P90X, is one of the most polarizing issues since Anne Hathaway. So many people despise it. I adore it. I’ve continued doing it regularly even though I haven’t done the rest of X in years (save for ARX, because it’s the best). Needless to say, I had high hopes for this supposedly more intense version. 
      Instead of doing Yoga X3, I suggest that you do the first 40 minutes of the original Yoga X. Or really any yoga video marked intermediate or above. X3 is boring and barely made my muscles twitch. Yes, many of the positions are difficult, but you are only holding them for a few beats, not long enough to make a dent. It’s maybe worth doing once to see the man in the backup team, who is one of the most impressive yogis I’ve ever had the privilege of watching. Man alive! Or you can use it as a rest day video, as I might. But it’s not nearly strong enough to use on a full, hard workout day. So disappointing. 

Day 4: CVX
      Now we’re talking! This cardio workout pushed me the hardest yet, finally. It contains familiar cardio moves, some easier than others, but you do the entire thing holding a weight (or a ball). I used a 5-pound weight, and I was struggling by the end. I loved it. Now this is what a 30-minute workout should look like. It’s not impossible, but you feel like you actually broke a sweat. You might need a break, but you don’t feel silly taking it or like you are wasting precious time. Phew. Finally, a plus in the ‘pro’ column. I look forward to doing this workout again.

Day 5: The Challenge
      This is one of those days when I wished I had time to do some cardio first, but I was counting on the video to provide a well-rounded workout. Although it doesn’t give any cardio, it is a solid strength workout, alternating entirely between pull-ups and push-ups, pull-ups and push-ups, until you can’t use your arms anymore. I quite enjoyed it, even though I still can’t do unassisted pull-ups. (Remember – if I don’t return it – that this is my major goal with using this system!) My upper body is super sore (in a good way…except for my neck, which is twingey), and I don’t feel like I wasted my exercise time. 
      I recommend, as I did, doing jumping jacks or running in place between each move. Otherwise, it’s too stationary. Also, the light cardio helps to loosen up your quickly dying upper body muscles. 
      You might be thinking, ‘it doesn’t seem like a good enough workout to get your approval after how harsh you are being.’ And you’re right. It’s just decent, but you know what pushes it over the edge? BOBBY STEVENSON! My aforementioned 3rd favorite part of P90X is back! He’s like 20 years older, gray, and the spitting image of Bill Nye the Science Guy, but I’m so glad my old friend is back. 

Day 6: The Warrior
      Yes! Now, this is the workout P90X3 promised to provide. Finally. Tony said (several times) that he brings this mix of push-up challenges and squat challenges to military bases around the world. It was a solid, difficult combination of isometric holds and explosive movements. My favorite move was the elevator push-up, when you start in plank and lower to push-up position and all ranges in between upon Tony’s call of floor levels (like, Floor 1 is down as far as you can, Floor 2 is a bit higher, &c.). That is really hard to maintain! It’s overall a great combo workout that I look forward to doing again. However, I’m glad I did a little warm-up on the treadmill to start, because it’s definitely more strength than cardio. If my time permits, I would do a good 10 minutes of extra warming up. 

      On that note, it seems that the determination to make each workout about 30 minutes resulted in very awkward cuts, rather than solid planning. The warm-ups and stretches are virtually nonexistent. To be safe, you should probably warm-up and stretch on your own, or at the very least do Cold Start (which is a semi-decent way to get blood-flowing). Obviously, this throws the whole dramatic selling point of ’30 minutes!!!’ out the window. In workouts like Total Synergistics and Yoga X3, the cutting resulted in very disjointed, meager plans that don’t provide cohesive workouts, let alone make you sweat. 
      A few videos this week were great, and I hope that the remaining videos are even better. So far, I’m not sold, but I’m not giving up yet. I’ll be back next week reviewing either week 2…or week 4. I haven’t decided whether to skip ahead to check the different videos out before the 30-day return period is up. Eek. Not a great start Tony!  I know only two things that will fix this — much harder, more intense videos to come…or Pam the Blam! 

​Happy New Year, almost! Remember this time last year when amazing celebrities kept dying and Trump got elected so people were like ‘thank god 2016 is over!’ not realizing that the former would keep happening and the latter would beget so much worse awfulness because he’d actually be in POWER in 2017?! Yeah it’s been quite a year. I’m not sure if America will ever recover from the assaults against the foundations of democracy and governance but we have to try. So the most important thing to look forward to in 2018 – and work with every fiber of your being to bring about – is a big giant blue wave of votes in November. And if you’re not in America, you still have to work on your own country. I mean even Sweden with all their amazing health- and babycare is full of Nazis so DO NOT REST! Anyway, it’s not all terror and anxiety and sleepless nights and high blood pressure and fear and guilt and despair and hopelessness. Well it is under the cheeto, but we have to distract ourselves every once in a while from the gloom! What follows is a hodgepodge of my favorite such distractions from this past year, in the fields of travel, food, and entertainment, because that’s who I am and that’s what I care about. Also this is a good way to catch up on all the blog posts you didn’t read! And maybe I’ll give a few hopes for 2018, who knows we’ll see.

Best Travel Day
Issyk-Kul and Fairytale Canyon, Kyrgyzstan
I had a lot of fun days this past year, mostly because we traveled SO MUCH. But one in particular comes to mind. Day 4 of our tour through Kyrgyzstan was my favorite because fun things just kept coming at us! We made our favorite piece of art; we explored the amazing Fairytale Canyon; we went swimming in Issyk-Kul lake; we had a nice time in a guest house; I got to shower and pee indoors. Great success! Click on the link to read all about it and see all the  many pictures! (Obviously I’m not counting days where I sat on a couch with my doggie or played with my nephew that wouldn’t be fair to the others.)

Most amazing sights
3. The Alhambra in Granada. It was hot as balls and took days to see (not days) but it was so worth it. What an amazing place.

2. Honestly I’m forgetting a lot – we saw A LOT of shit this summer – so what immediately comes to mind is the Monte Palace Tropical Gardens in Funchal, Madeira. I was so surprised at how much I loved this place and how peaceful it felt. It’s not as famous or as recommended as the other Botanical Gardens in town, but it’s 100x better – and so much bigger! You could get lost in there for a whole day.

1. Was there any doubt? Obviously it’s the Spectacular Wall of China, which is what I call the Great Wall. It more than lives up to expectations and is completely mind-blowing. I am so lucky I got to see it!

Favorite surprising place
​Nanxun was such a surprise! We stopped at this little-known (and little) water town outside Shanghai because we wanted to see a water town and heard this was nice. I didn’t expect to completely adore this gorgeous place! I mean we know I like water but this water town was on a whole other level. Amazing!

Favorite hotel
Come on! Is there any question? I wuv you Fraser Suites Chengdu! I wuv you!

Best meal
The best thing I ate, Savory Edition, was my dinner at Jujubeetree Vegetarian Lifestyle in Chengdu. This is where I ordered a dish that sounded super gross and still have no idea how or why that happened, but it was some otherworldly magic that made me do it because it was the best dish oh my goddd and the best meal in all of China, which has the best food in all the world (at least where I went this past year) and now I want Sichuan food.

Best dessert
Oh man, the tahini milkshake from Goldiein Philadelphia is insaaaaaane! It is like liquid halva (but not too liquid – they know real milkshakes need to be thick!). It’s so amazing that I tried to recreate it, and I did a decent job which you can find the recipe for at the above link. I’m also fo sho making it tonight to ring in the new year!

 Most fun at the theatre in London
“How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying”
This tiny little production at Wilton’s Music Hall – not exactly the West End – put on one of the best productions of the year, mostly because of its attention to detail and its milking of every single possible drop of humor from the script. It was hilarious and so well done.

Most fun at the theatre in New York
 “Once On This Island”
I can’t believe I knew so little about Once On This Island before seeing the new Broadway revival, but I am in deep now. It was so delightful and I was enraptured, on the edge of my seat and forgetting everything except what was going on in the sand pit in front of me. This glorious show deserves a long run…and with my main man Norm Lewis joining the cast soon, it deserves repeat visits! I cannot wait for the cast album. I imagine my 2018 will be spent listening to it nonstop.

Funniest Things of 2017
3. I’m a terrible person I know and I still crack up at all the tee shirts I saw in China, and so many of the signs, especially the fake New Balances that don’t know what they want to be. Loves it! (at end of post)

2. “The Good Place” Season 2
I had NO IDEA how they would move on from that killer ending of season 1, just really no idea, so it’s good I’m not writing for this show because they moved on and it’s even better than it was before. Such geniuses! Every episode has like five quotes that have become permanent fixtures of my daily speech, and if I wanted to keep typing with my arms that end in stupid sticks, I would say more, especially because I have no idea what’s going on but everyone is talking and I think I should too. But nothing beats this product of the genius of all geniuses, Megan Amram, as she shared all her ideas for the ever-changing food places in the neighborhood. CAMEMBERT-BIE LET’S GO PARTY????? HAHHHHHHHH!

1. “Big Mouth” on Netflix
Who would have thought this disgustingly raunchy cartoon about kids going through puberty would be the funniest thing ever? Oh it’s from Nick Kroll? And has Maya Rudolph and John Mulaney and JASON MANTZOUKAS?? Yeah, it’s the funniest thing ever. So gross, so inappropriate, and so f-ing genius. Below is my favorite song, courtesy of the goddess among us mortals, Maya Rudolph.

Best musical theatre albums
3. “Bandstand”
I loved this sweet, sad, so important show. It was too good to close as quickly as it did, too special, but luckily we have a cast album and it’s fantastic. Corey Cott and Laura Osnes sound impeccable on their big numbers, and all the emotion that overwhelmed in the theatre is just as strong. I cry just as hard listening to it as I did watching it, and that’s pretty special.

2. “The Band’s Visit”
Holy crap, I have not been able to listen to any other music for the past few weeks, since this album was released. David Yazbeck has created such a lovely, quiet yet gripping masterpiece. Every day I have a new favorite song: Yesterday it was Papi Hears the Ocean, Thursday it was Welcome to Nowhere (that line about Jews OMG), and today is Answer Me. But every day features at least 10 plays of Omar Sharif and Something Different, because the genius of Katrina Lenk, a force of nature in the theatre, shines just as bright on the recording. The emotion here, the humanity, ugh it’s all so good and so wonderful that they were able to capture it.

1. “Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812″
My biggest regret of 2017 was not appreciating this show’s brilliance when I got to see it. Actually, I saw it at the very end of 2016, so that’s my big regret of 2016…ACTUALLY, no my biggest regret of 2016 was not locking the people I knew were going to vote for Trump in their homes so they couldn’t vote. Okay that’s not very democratic, to keep people from voting – that’s something republicans like doing. I should have helped drive more people to vote or register or something. Okay I can’t think about that right now, this is supposed to be about fun distractions not sadnesses. So my big frivolous-item regret of 2017 was  not seeing this amazing show again before it closed prematurely. But about that first thing- I really didn’t appreciate this show when I saw it, like a fool LIKE A FOOL. There was so much going on, and a lot of the music is hard to love on first listen. The absolute mind-blowing genius of Dave Malloy’s score can only be realized once you are actually familiar with it, so this cast album is not only my favorite and the best, but it’s also the most important and necessary. If people listened to this a few times (maybe ten) and learned all the amazing lyrics and orchestrations and all the genres referenced, they would have enjoyed the show more in person and maybe it would have lasted longer. I don’t know, but I know I would have enjoyed it more and appreciated how incredible it is. Thank goodness we are blessed with this original Broadway cast album AND the original original cast album from downtown, with Phillipa Soo as Natasha and Dave Malloy, the composer, as Pierre. I prefer the Broadway version – I think some of Denee Benton’s fun and effective choices as Natasha really come through and it’s exciting to hear, and of course there’s my Joshy G – but it’s interesting to hear the differences in the interpretations of character and the lyric changes that occurred over the years. Both are great, but the important thing is that this show is AMAZING. Was. Tear. (Please come to London maybe they will appreciate you more.)

Theatre wants
I want “Once On This Island” to last at least until the Tony Awards and I hope it gets recognized for how genius it is.

I want Katrina Lenk to keep up her momentum for Best Actress because, although I haven’t seen the powerhouse performances to come (I mean we have a Julie Jordan and an Eliza Doolittle coming…and that’s without talking about Frozen or Mean Girls jfc this season is packed), so far she more than deserves it. She’s magicked.

Also most of all I need to see the above mentioned new shows coming! Ahhhh Jessie Mueller in Carousel??? With Joshua Henry??? I faint.

Travel hopes
I hope we don’t get heat stroke in Australia. (P.s. we’re going to Australia! IN FEBRUARY. It’s gonna be so hot!). Even more than that I hope we don’t get bitten by all the thousands of millions of deadly animals in Australia.

REAL NEEDS
GIMME AN I! GIMME AN M! GIMME A P! GIMME AN E! GIMME AN A! GIMME A C! GIMME AN H! (DID I SPELL THAT RIGHT?) also please send all of them to jail. ALL OF THEM.

Come on 2018!!! Be good to us!