Broadway's "On The Town" Is On The Crackby Randi / May 14, 2015
The best night of the year was last night, did you know? The Tony Awards are my absolute favorite awards and the best night in theatre because you get to see all the living legends and all the future legends and all the most talented people in the world as they just enjoy their fabulously lucky lives. Or enJOY, as my mom says.
The Tonys are even more important to me than the Oscars. I know. It’s just so loving and wonderful aaand, while everything is still political (like dislike of Harvey Weinstein causing his show ‘Finding Neverland’ to be snubbed entirely), it’s not as disgustingly political, and most winners and nominees are still very deserving. Also, musical numbers happen throughout the Tonys, not like the Oscars where it’s just one at the beginning if Hugh or Neil are hosting. And people cry more. And it’s so good. And they shout about gay rights and womens rights and everyone’s progressive and awesome. And everything is beautiful at the ballet. I mean Tonys.
The Tonys are even more important to me than the Oscars. I know. It’s just so loving and wonderful aaand, while everything is still political (like dislike of Harvey Weinstein causing his show ‘Finding Neverland’ to be snubbed entirely), it’s not as disgustingly political, and most winners and nominees are still very deserving. Also, musical numbers happen throughout the Tonys, not like the Oscars where it’s just one at the beginning if Hugh or Neil are hosting. And people cry more. And it’s so good. And they shout about gay rights and womens rights and everyone’s progressive and awesome. And everything is beautiful at the ballet. I mean Tonys.
Actually, this year it was kind of like the ballet so I’m not wrong in quoting ‘A Chorus Line’ (which I don’t think is the most important musical in history like 90% of other theatre buffs do but that’s a post for another time). Between ‘On the Town’, ‘The King and I’, and this year’s frontrunner ‘An American in Paris’, there’s a lot of ballet. A lot! Hell, the dancing stars of those three are making their Broadway debuts after careers spent as actual professional dancers: Megan Fairchild in ‘On the Town’, her little brother the fantastic Robert Fairchild in ‘An American in Paris’, and Xiaochuan Xie who dances the role of Eliza in the super crazy but actually awesome ballet of Uncle Tom’s Cabin in ‘The King and I’. Yes that’s a real sentence I just wrote and a real thing that happens in a Rodgers & Hammerstein musical. We’ll talk more about that in the forthcoming review of that particular show but for now, the Tonys!
I hate those stupid mainstream publications’ recaps that focus on the ’10 Best and Worst Moments’ or some such brief and crappy stuff like that so I am sharing lots of moments that are worth discussing. 50 Odd Foot of Grunt as Russell Crowe would say. Without Hugh or Neil hosting this year, we didn’t get a great big musical opening, but hosts Kristin Chenoweth and Alan Cumming were adorable and pleasant. Despite their larger-than-life personalities, they presented a really low-key, almost casual ceremony this year, in a nice way. Let’s talk about what was good, bad, ugly, awesome, horrendous, and more. I’m doing this in chronological order because ‘Interstellar’ made me understand time on such a deeper level you guys.
The Best Camerawork:
When Alan Cumming began the show by singing ‘Willkommen’, his famous song from his famous role as the Emcee in ‘Cabaret’, a very wise cameraman cut to Joel Grey in the audience, who was the original Emcee on Broadway and in the movie. Best thing the crew did all night, maybe ever.
Second Best Harvey Weinstein Moment:
Kristin and Alan singing “Smile (though your heart is breaking)” to Harvey about how he shouldn’t be too upset his show got ridiculously snubbed because he can count his $1 million-plus weekly box office receipts was pretty funny. But ugh that whole political scene is nauseating. Harvey made some pretty terrible decisions on his first foray into Broadway and he made a lot of enemies in the community, but don’t take it out on the show, halfwits. The same thing happened with the Royal Shakespeare Company’s handling of the ‘Matilda’ transfer a few years ago, and people widely recognize that it was the RSC’s snootiness and terribleness that led to a slightly less deserving ‘Kinky Boots’ to win Best Musical. But, wait, for some reason I don’t feel that it was as wrong to take personal dislike for the RSC out on their show even though ‘Matilda’ is much better than ‘Finding Neverland’. Hm. Maybe it’s because Harvey Weinstein was nice to me when we met and the RSC has never even said hi to me.
Best Joke About Chenoweth’s Size:
When Kristin said that “acceptance speeches are endless…like my legs!” That was funny because she is so small. Do you get it? This was also the only necessary joke about her size.
Most Hilarious Performance:
How fantastic does ‘Something Rotten’ look? That’s #1 on my to-see list (from this season at least) for when I return to NYC. I am overjoyed at such an original musical being so successful and so wonderfully funny. I loved how their big number ‘A Musical’ alludes to so many classic musicals, like when they scrub floors for one split second and sing ‘it’s a mu-si-cal’ to the tune of ‘It’s a Hard-Knock Life’. So fun! I can’t wait.
Worst Missed Opportunity for Unrelated Banter:
Debra Messing and Anna Chlumsky presented together and were wearing almost the exact same dress: same shade of purple, same crisscross neckline. Erma P! But aside from looking at each other and like faux smiling as they walked to the mic, they didn’t even acknowledge it! What the hell, guys! That could have been good! And Anna Wintour was sitting front and center (more on that later) and they didn’t even cut to her skin burning off in fashion-charged anger.
Good Job Doing A Shitty Thing:
I am not a fan of musical nominees performing medleys – it makes it seem like they don’t have one good song or one good production number to show off. They are always disjointed, and instead of sharing a few good songs, as they intend to do, the truncated versions of those songs aren’t good enough to convey what they want. But ‘The King and I’ did a good job with theirs, probably because you can’t screw up that music. So good job. I’m also glad that it allowed for the brilliant Ruthie Ann Miles, whom I love mostly because she took a funny selfie with me, to share some of her amazing solo “Something Wonderful”. She sounded nervous, but that’s understandable, given that it was her first Tonys performance in a big dramatic solo, it was a newfangled medley arrangement, and she was nominated for her first award. But the best part was when the kids were jumping up and down screaming backstage as Kristin and Alan sent to commercial. Now that was adorable.
Best Host Sight Gag:
When they returned from commercial after ‘The King and I’ performance, Alan was dressed as Anna in her big purple evening gown, singing ‘Getting to Know You’, and Kristin in a bald cap dressed as the King crawled out from under his skirt. So freaking funny.
Best Presenting Team:
Bobby Cannavale and real-life love Rose Byrne presented some category I don’t even care what it was I just love them to bits even though the last time I remember him being at the Tonys Sutton Foster was thanking him because they were together. Oops. Anyway I still love them. Hate her dress though.
Kind of Disappointing But Still Great Win:
I like spreading the love around, so I’m kind of upset Christian Borle won his second Tony in a relatively short time frame last night. I really wanted would-be first-timers Brad Oscar or Andy Karl (who was predicted) to win, and either adoraboy from ‘An American in Paris’ would have been deserving as well. I haven’t seen ‘Something Rotten’ yet (cannot wait), but I’ve heard that Borle as Shakespeare is amazing and it was really deserved; I’m sure it was. I just wanted someone to cry. He didn’t even seem surprised, like not at all, totally hey what’s up I’m here she’s here we made it, nothing special. Even if you are Melen Mirren and you are totally a lock, I want you to act surprised when you win a Tony.
Second Most Emotional Win for a Blonde:
I screamed in delight when Annaleigh Ashford won for her ridiculously hilarious turn in ‘You Can’t Take It With You’. She really did win for the worst dancing ever seen on any stage. I am so happy for her! She is such a wonderful talent and I can’t wait to see what she does next. I hope it’s another comedic role because she is probably the funniest comedian on Broadway right now. She really deserved to win for ‘Kinky Boots’, so I’m so glad she won for another very deserving performance. Also, her natural comedic power led to a pretty great speech: “Thank you to every friend I’ve ever had, to every teacher I’ve ever had, and everybody I’ve ever met!” She was so happy and adorable I almost don’t even care that she had notes.
Most Wooden Presenter:
Misty Copeland should not be the next dancer to move to Broadway.
Most Jaw-Dropping Historic Achievement:
TONY YAZBECK MADE ANNA WINTOUR SMILE.
Shoddiest Camerawork:
As usual on the Tonys (so sad that they haven’t learned yet), the cameras had really weird angles during dances and were wayyyy too close during singing solos. Camera person! Move back during dance numbers! Let us see the whole stage at once! It’s okay if you stay still for more than 3 seconds! We won’t think you stopped working or something! And stop taking cues from Tom Hooper during solos! Move the crap back! The audience is never 2 inches out and 1 inch down from a performer’s chin during actual performances so why do you think that’s a good idea for the Tonys?
Um Okay:
It’s nice they did a short little dance tribute to Tommy Tune in honor of his Lifetime Achievement Award, but it would have been a helluva lot better if they let him dance. Or sing. Or accept onstage!
Um Okay #2:
Why is Ashley Tisdale on stage? Just because she was introducing her BFF Vanessa Hudgens? I really loved that she did indeed say ‘my best friend Vanessa Hudgens’ lolol like high school I did love that. But I’m best friends with Ken Watanabe and I didn’t introduce him. Also what you wearing girl. The performance by the cast of ‘Gigi’ would have been halfway decent but Tisdale’s BFF had too many loud awkward shrieks that weren’t in a high enough register so it just sounded kind of creepy. Too many pervy oh’s and ee’s. So awkward. It’s just an overall shame for ‘Gigi’ that it came out the same season as another adaptation of a classic movie set in Paris, written by Alan Jay Lerner, and directed by Vincente Minnelli, and the other one (‘American in Paris’) just happened to be 100x better.
Best Moment for Womankind Since Hillary Became President:
Jeanine Tesori and Lisa Kron not only wrote the best score and book of this year, and of many years actually, but they also made history as the first all-female writing team to win best score. That is HUGE. Depressing for our past, but uplifting for our future. Their work on ‘Fun Home’ is astounding, heart-breaking, beautiful, and so intelligent and layered that I’m still realizing deeper meanings for certain lyrics or lines. That is impressive work. Their speeches were so necessary too, with Jeanine saying that “girls need to see it to be it”, meaning that you can’t just pay lip service and tell young girls they can be anything they want; you have to show them that it’s possible by giving all women the chance.
I also almost wept when the most adorable Joel Grey called it ‘the new American classic’. It is.
Worst Moment for the Art Form:
The continued brush-off of the Best Score and Best Book categories as they are presented during commercial breaks. That is bullshit. Those two pieces are literally the only two components of a musical, yet they aren’t important enough to make the broadcast? What is that about?
Best Performance:
Young Sydney Lucas, a Tony nominee for ‘Fun Home’ at the age of 11 and my choice if I were a voter, performed her big solo ‘Ring of Keys’, which is a genius look into the mind of a young girl as she realizes what is possible in terms of gender and its presentation and how all her jumbled thoughts can be reconciled as she discovers herself. The words sound exactly like something a 10 or so year old kid would say, yet they are still conveying an incredibly mature message and a brilliant look into what’s going on in her mind. And Sydney shows all of that when she sings this song. She is the best child musical actor probably ever and will win someday, I’m sure.
The camera is too close to her face, of course, because the camera people are drunk with power and don’t know how to channel it.
Worst Timing:
I thought the small bit with Kristin Chenoweth in an E.T. costume and Alan saying “I said FUN Home!” (get it, not ‘phone home’) was really funny, but terribly timed to almost coincide with the applause from Sydney’s performance. Just ain’t right.
Worst Timing (Serious):
When Marianne Elliott (yay female director!) was accepting the Best Direction for a Play award for ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime’ (a show I feel like I saw a decade ago in London and ya know it was just a’ight dawg, just a’ight), she mentioned that her agent died on their Broadway opening night. Shit.
Best Green Moment:
Ruthie Ann Miles was as shocked as everyone else when she won, and I am so so happy for her. Everyone expected one of the ‘Fun Home’ ladies to win, as I did, but I am super happy for Ruthie, whom I adore. She broke out just recently as Imelda Marcos in ‘Here Lies Love’ and is already such a force on Broadway, so yay Ruthie! Anyway, she took out her phone to read her speech – which you know I hate, I don’t want anyone to ever prepare anything or have notes – but she deadpanned “Please recycle” to the camera when acknowledging that she wrote her notes on her phone. Love it! I also love that she went on so long that she was actually tap-danced off by the ‘On the Twentieth Century’ porters, as the hosts said would happen in the beginning if the speeches went on too long. Ruthie’s face when she realized the source of that sound was priceless.
The tappers from ‘On the Twentieth Century’ reminded me that they were the best part of that terrible show and that Kristin deserved such a better vehicle for her talents. But again that’s a post for another time.
Most Exciting Commercial Break:
What is this movie, “Bridge of Spies”, and why have I never heard of it! It is total Oscar bait and I am so excited. It stars Tom Hanks and Mark Rylance, like the best people ever, and I am really excited for Mark Rylance to win an Oscar and accept with a random poem and birds and have Hollywood be like, ‘am I hallucinating? What is happening up there?’ like he does when he wins Tonys. J’adore.
Grossest Misuse of a Celebrity:
Sting appeared only to thank the American Theatre Wing. Which is necessary and important, because the ATW makes all of this possible, but STING? Anyone could have read a few lines. Why didn’t they have Sting sing something? Or, better yet, feature ‘The Last Ship’, a very underrated show with hauntingly beautiful music?
Most British Moment:
The lead producer of ‘Curious Incident’, Tom Levy, accepted his award like someone just handed him a list of his duties for that work day. Like, I live in London now, I get that Britons aren’t allowed to smile or show emotion, but you just won a Tony, man! Get the stick out.
Most Adorable Fanboying:
Alan Cumming grasping his face every time he mentioned Josh Groban. I get it, man.
Funniest Host Bit:
I loved Kristin and Alan’s discussion of upcoming movie remakes of recent plays, especially when Kristin announced that she got the call for the animated version of ‘Skylight’ (oh dear) and was ‘playing the spaghetti bolognese’ that Carey Mulligan makes every night. Amazing.
Meanest Girl:
Amanda Seyfried does not seem like a hoot.
Randomest Presenting Team:
Jennifer Lopez, Nick Jonas, and Kiesza. I mean. What? They introduced ‘Finding Neverland’ because they are all on the pop version of the album? What is THAT? J-Lo couldn’t stop laughing, Nick Jonas couldn’t even remember who he was so I doubt the audience knew. And that other girl, Kiesza? Is that the new Czech persona of Ke$ha??
Lamest Result of Overvoting:
Overvoting is when voters get so excited about a show that they just vote for it mindlessly, leading to it winning in categories it doesn’t really deserve. It gets swept up in the hype. The worst casualty in my book this year was for set design. ‘An American in Paris’ won, okay, cool. But did you even SEE ‘The King and I’? I have seen most Broadway productions for at least the past decade. A set piece has NEVER, EVER, EVER gotten show-stopping applause during a show, until I saw ‘The King and I’ and that boat that opens the show just leaves everyone spellbound. It is a miraculous piece of theatre magic and should have won. Fo shame.
Best Random Interaction:
Joe Manganiello, talking about Carnegie Mellon for some reason, asks fellow CMU alum Darren Criss who his inspiration was. A truly game Darren responds without a beat: “I’ve seen ‘Magic Mike’ so I have to say I learned a lot from you!” Now that actually makes me like Darren Criss a little.
Best Repeat Winner:
I am so, so thrilled that Michael Cerveris won for his devastating portrayal of the late Bruce Bechdel in ‘Fun Home’. While newcomer Robert Fairchild (whom Cerveris called Fitzgerald, suchhh a bad brain fart, Cerveza) would have been equally deserving, the role of Bruce is such an important one for Cerveris and for theatre. It’s just wonderful and heartbreaking and I don’t care at all about spreading the wealth here. (Also he won more than a decade ago.)
NPH’s Best Oscars Moment:
Neil Patrick Harris’s best moment as Oscars host actually happened at the Tonys. Before announcing Best Leading Actress in a Musical, NPH said he had made some predictions that were locked in a box the whole show, before he was stopped. Ha ha. You were not a great Oscars host, that’s the joke, tee hee. “That’s a drag, because it went so well last time!” Aw, NPH, we love you.
Worst Decision:
I can’t believe they didn’t televise the awarding of John Cameron Mitchell’s Special Tony for returning to the role of Hedwig. I love him and he probably said some wonderful things but I don’t know because stupid producers put him during the commercials. JCM DESERVES BETTER.
Worst Audience Reaction:
Stupid people who get to go to the Tonys/Oscars/Grammys/any awards that honors the deceased, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT, woo and cheer for the person singing the In Memoriam. I don’t care that it’s Josh Groban, you make it seem like you are excited for the dead people. Then, once you get over the singer, DO NOT woo or cheer for the actual dead people FFS!!!!!! Who lets these people into the Tonys? Don’t applaud for the dead people you liked best you halfwits! Be silent and remember and honor all of these people. Don’t make everything a popularity contest you moronic shitbags I f-ing hate all of you who have applauded during an In Memoriam segment. I tweeted earlier that I hope anyone who cheers during an In Memoriam never gets to be a part of one, and while I think they would be really good punishment for most offenders, it’s not enough. Just shut up, not everything is about how you feel about something.
Most Emotional Win for a Blonde/Anyone Ever:
KELLI MY QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kelli O’Hara, six-time nominee and the most deserving at least twice in the past (cough 2005 and 2014 cough), finally FINALLY won a Tony. And it was not out of sympathy, because I really think she gave the best actress performance this year. Kristin Chenoweth, the slightly more expected winner, gave a spectacular performance but in a terrible show, and Kelli added so much depth and roundedness to a character we thought we knew everything about, and stunned everyone with her never-ending wealth of talents. Also, she danced off the stage in glee. Now that was adorable!
KELLI MY QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kelli O’Hara, six-time nominee and the most deserving at least twice in the past (cough 2005 and 2014 cough), finally FINALLY won a Tony. And it was not out of sympathy, because I really think she gave the best actress performance this year. Kristin Chenoweth, the slightly more expected winner, gave a spectacular performance but in a terrible show, and Kelli added so much depth and roundedness to a character we thought we knew everything about, and stunned everyone with her never-ending wealth of talents. Also, she danced off the stage in glee. Now that was adorable!
Best Audience Reaction:
The standing ovation they gave the much-deserving, always deserving, completely patient Kelli O’Hara, the queen of everything.
Best Presenter Banter, Probably Ever:
Larry David and Jason Alexander, different versions of the same guy I guess, presented the award for Best Musical, but first they went on and on with each other about how Larry’s show wasn’t nominated but he’s the bigger man for showing up or is a loser and yada yada yada it was hysterical. Jason first said that tomorrow he will be replacing Larry in ‘Fish in the Dark’, to which Larry said, “Well…you’re not really replacing, you’re just stepping in.” To which Jason mentioned his 7 Emmy nominations. To which Larry mentioned that the true measure of a man is NOT being nominated but still coming to read a list of people who are nominated. On it went. It’s too bad Larry’s play is already sold out because I’m sure they would have sold a lot of tickets with that bit. “Laughing until their faces are contorted into an anguished mask, that can best be described as a sort of…Bells Palsy.” Then Larry said it was anti-Semitism that caused the lack of nominations for him and for Harvey Weinstein, who clearly loved that line. Amazing.
WTF Moment:
WTF (that’s why not what) does Anna Wintour have a prime aisle seat?
So Who Won?
The point of the Tonys, at least for producers of current productions, is to get viewers to want to see their shows. So What do I want to see more than anything after this telecast? ‘Something Rotten’, which gave a fantastic performance, and ‘Hand to God’, funnily enough, which showed a really intriguing clip. And the beyond brilliant, beyond integral, totally flawless ‘Fun Home’ again. What do you want to see?
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“Speed-the-Plow” is in the West End with Lindsay Lohan: Cool
“Speed-the-Plow”, the David Mamet play best known for the celebrities attached to its various productions because they’re the only reason to sit through its vacuity, is now on the West End. Remember how a few years ago, Jeremy Piven was set to star on Broadway but he had to bow out due to mercury poisoning because he ate too much sushi? That was this show. And that’s the most interesting thing about it! Now it’s on the West End, starring Lindsay Lohan in her Redemption Tour™ sponsored by Oprah. (Oprah was there opening night, and I didn’t know. I’m so BT about it. Though it’s probably for the best because if I ever met her I’d be like “Ah’s snitting next to Borpo!”)
Lohan not only showed up, but remembered all her lines and, less condescendingly, was actually decent. She was well cast as a young attractive woman who messes with a Hollywood exec’s head because of all her wimmininess, which I’m sure she has done often in her real life but due to her failure circa 2007 to show up to work rather than wimmininess.
“Speed-the-Plow” is about two Hollywood executives who are preparing to pitch a terrible-sounding but sure-to-be-money-making prison film to the studio head. They only have the option until the next morning, which is quite the forced timeline for allowing all sorts of dramatic things to happen. We only have 24 hours to pitch this to the boss! Oh no! He’s going to NYC for the day? Well let’s just meet him tomorrow morning and hope he’s not late, instead of mentioning anything about the film to him on the phone! Idiots.
Bobby is the newly minted head of production, and Charlie is his longtime, long-suffering associate. I say long-suffering because we get the idea that the two friends have been working together for a long, long time, but Bobby is the only one who has been promoted or paid well. So what is that about? Judging this production, I would say it’s because Americans think British people are smarter because of their accent, and Bobby (despite the understudy’s best efforts), is clearly British, so he got the promotions. Charlie, on the other hand, can do a super impressive American accent, so his studio bosses assumed he wasn’t as smart or cultured as Bobby. My blurring of the lines between the actors and their characters seems only fitting given the nonsense of this flimsy play and how much my mind wandered throughout. And indeed, Charlie’s accent was so impressive (especially compared to Bobby’s FAILURE TO SAY HIS R’S) that I almost thought he could be a compatriot. But then I saw his name was Nigel Lindsay. Nope. Not American. Can’t be more British than that. (Nigel was actually quite great in the role. But he acted like and physically resembled Norbert Leo Butz enough that I couldn’t help dreaming of how amazing Norbert probably was in the Broadway revival.)
Lindsay plays Karen, a role – originated on Broadway by Madonna, never forget – that is both thankless and demeaning, but with great shoes. She’s a temporary secretary for Bobby, and we know she is new to the movie business and quite naïve about its operating because she tells everyone she meets how ‘naïve’ she is every five minutes. It’s a super short play, less than 90 minutes, and half the words were Lindsay saying ‘naïve’. The other half was Bobby the Britman saying “entuh-tainment”. (And “unduh-stand”. SAY YOUR R’S. It’s the ONE rule of doing American accents.)
Bobby has been given a book about radiation and the end of the world and humanity and stuff to provide a ‘courtesy read’, which means he will read it to be nice but there’s no way in hell the studio would ever make it as a film. He tells naïve Karen this, and naïve Karen is like, but why? “Because it wouldn’t make money.” But why? “Because no one wants to see a movie about that.” But why? “BECAUSE I SAID SO DO YOU UNDUH-STAND?”
But Karen won’t take no for an answer, so she goes to his house at night, even though he’s gross and old, to discuss the enormous long book that she somehow read in its entirety and tabbed between finishing her work day and dinner time. Karen loved the book, to say the least. She thinks it’s the most brilliant piece of writing that e’er touched her heart and thinks it would somehow make a great movie. This is where Mamet gets both lazy and annoying. Karen reads SO MUCH OF THE BOOK out loud to us in her attempt to convince Bobby of its brilliance. All the parts she reads sound like the Dalai Lama when he is in a drug-induced dream fighting off Ewok-shaped clouds. Then the tables sort of turn, and even though we know Bobby is trying to seduce her, she starts seducing Bobby. It’s gross because Bobby is old and can’t say his r’s. Karen just keeps reading high Dalai Lama passages until Bobby says he’ll make the movie with her and then they doooo it. So gross.
Obviously this play is blargh. The only possible theme or moral you can take from it is that Hollywood values money over boring stories (ooh burn!) and that women ruin everything. David Mamet is like a more jackassery version of Aaron Sorkin, which makes sense because a smart friend of mine (not the internet) told me that Sorkin was inspired by Mamet. But Sorkin is better because at least “The West Wing” had solid female characters that weren’t just wimmins being vagina-havers that bother the men, as all female characters in Mamet works turn out to be because he seems a misogynist at heart. Lindsay’s character here exists only to mess up the bro dynamic between the two male leads, and then when the men realize that she messed with their heads (seemingly not with bad intentions), they dispose of her. OH no they don’t kill her, they just kick her out and say “Try getting another job in Hollywood ever again, missy!” which is maybe worse. Like what jerks.
If anyone can explain to me why this play is called “Speed-the-Plow”, and why hyphens, I will give you a cookie. Is this a famous phrase that other people know about and I just never learned, like wag the dog or get the pip? Don’t know it. (Interestingly, Mamet wrote “Wag the Dog” as well. But that one doesn’t have hyphens! Why not! Why is he messing with our minds?) So, in closing, you should see it. I think that’s what I’m trying to say.
“Speed-the-Plow” is about two Hollywood executives who are preparing to pitch a terrible-sounding but sure-to-be-money-making prison film to the studio head. They only have the option until the next morning, which is quite the forced timeline for allowing all sorts of dramatic things to happen. We only have 24 hours to pitch this to the boss! Oh no! He’s going to NYC for the day? Well let’s just meet him tomorrow morning and hope he’s not late, instead of mentioning anything about the film to him on the phone! Idiots.
Bobby is the newly minted head of production, and Charlie is his longtime, long-suffering associate. I say long-suffering because we get the idea that the two friends have been working together for a long, long time, but Bobby is the only one who has been promoted or paid well. So what is that about? Judging this production, I would say it’s because Americans think British people are smarter because of their accent, and Bobby (despite the understudy’s best efforts), is clearly British, so he got the promotions. Charlie, on the other hand, can do a super impressive American accent, so his studio bosses assumed he wasn’t as smart or cultured as Bobby. My blurring of the lines between the actors and their characters seems only fitting given the nonsense of this flimsy play and how much my mind wandered throughout. And indeed, Charlie’s accent was so impressive (especially compared to Bobby’s FAILURE TO SAY HIS R’S) that I almost thought he could be a compatriot. But then I saw his name was Nigel Lindsay. Nope. Not American. Can’t be more British than that. (Nigel was actually quite great in the role. But he acted like and physically resembled Norbert Leo Butz enough that I couldn’t help dreaming of how amazing Norbert probably was in the Broadway revival.)
Lindsay plays Karen, a role – originated on Broadway by Madonna, never forget – that is both thankless and demeaning, but with great shoes. She’s a temporary secretary for Bobby, and we know she is new to the movie business and quite naïve about its operating because she tells everyone she meets how ‘naïve’ she is every five minutes. It’s a super short play, less than 90 minutes, and half the words were Lindsay saying ‘naïve’. The other half was Bobby the Britman saying “entuh-tainment”. (And “unduh-stand”. SAY YOUR R’S. It’s the ONE rule of doing American accents.)
Bobby has been given a book about radiation and the end of the world and humanity and stuff to provide a ‘courtesy read’, which means he will read it to be nice but there’s no way in hell the studio would ever make it as a film. He tells naïve Karen this, and naïve Karen is like, but why? “Because it wouldn’t make money.” But why? “Because no one wants to see a movie about that.” But why? “BECAUSE I SAID SO DO YOU UNDUH-STAND?”
But Karen won’t take no for an answer, so she goes to his house at night, even though he’s gross and old, to discuss the enormous long book that she somehow read in its entirety and tabbed between finishing her work day and dinner time. Karen loved the book, to say the least. She thinks it’s the most brilliant piece of writing that e’er touched her heart and thinks it would somehow make a great movie. This is where Mamet gets both lazy and annoying. Karen reads SO MUCH OF THE BOOK out loud to us in her attempt to convince Bobby of its brilliance. All the parts she reads sound like the Dalai Lama when he is in a drug-induced dream fighting off Ewok-shaped clouds. Then the tables sort of turn, and even though we know Bobby is trying to seduce her, she starts seducing Bobby. It’s gross because Bobby is old and can’t say his r’s. Karen just keeps reading high Dalai Lama passages until Bobby says he’ll make the movie with her and then they doooo it. So gross.
Obviously this play is blargh. The only possible theme or moral you can take from it is that Hollywood values money over boring stories (ooh burn!) and that women ruin everything. David Mamet is like a more jackassery version of Aaron Sorkin, which makes sense because a smart friend of mine (not the internet) told me that Sorkin was inspired by Mamet. But Sorkin is better because at least “The West Wing” had solid female characters that weren’t just wimmins being vagina-havers that bother the men, as all female characters in Mamet works turn out to be because he seems a misogynist at heart. Lindsay’s character here exists only to mess up the bro dynamic between the two male leads, and then when the men realize that she messed with their heads (seemingly not with bad intentions), they dispose of her. OH no they don’t kill her, they just kick her out and say “Try getting another job in Hollywood ever again, missy!” which is maybe worse. Like what jerks.
If anyone can explain to me why this play is called “Speed-the-Plow”, and why hyphens, I will give you a cookie. Is this a famous phrase that other people know about and I just never learned, like wag the dog or get the pip? Don’t know it. (Interestingly, Mamet wrote “Wag the Dog” as well. But that one doesn’t have hyphens! Why not! Why is he messing with our minds?) So, in closing, you should see it. I think that’s what I’m trying to say.
You Are Here at Southwark Playhouse: A Pleasant Surprise
It’s Theatre Thursday! Today’s show is the new musical You Are Here, playing at the Southwark Playhouse until June 12. I watched via livestream but unforch I think only in person tickets remain for the rest of the run, even though no one under 40 gets second doses till August.
All I knew going in about Southwark Playhouse’s new musical ‘You Are Here’ was that it was ‘roughly about the moon landing’, according to my husband. I assumed that meant it was going to feature a sparkly Neil Armstrong doing jazz hands with comic relief Buzz Aldrin as they sang “I’m walking on the moooooon, yeah yeah, look at us leap so hiiigh, yeah yeah” or something like that (there is a reason I do not write musicals). So, it’s not like that uh-TALL, as you Brits would say. ‘You Are Here’ is the super personal and heartfelt journey of one nice little old lady who is inspired by the moon landing to bring a little joy into her humdrum life.
Starring Wendi Peters (from Coronation Street which I still haven’t seen an episode of; will they revoke my citizenship) as a woman who is onstage singing literally for an hour and a half without stopping and possibly without ever having water, which I just cannot fathom, this show was a pleasant surprise, as it says on the tin/title. When her Diana sees muhfucking men walking on the gd moon, she’s like a) that’s my moon and b) I should do something brave and exciting and something with my life instead of simply cooking and cleaning for my husband and playing canasta once a week with that nosy gossip next door (I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist. Do gentiles play canasta?) So, she’s inspired by this momentous event, naturally, inspired to…walk out her door…and keep walking. She takes the subway (!) at night (!) alone (!) into the big city (!) (Chicago) and gets a motel room (!) all without a plan or a note left for Gerard.
And she does it all with an American accent that didn’t make me squirm! Although, as per uzh, husbo and I both shouted IT’S AMERICAN ACCENT TIIIME! we will miss being able to shout that once we return to in-person theatre.
With music by Neil Bartram, the score has some lovely moments and shows promise, although I had issues with a few bits. The first few songs struck me as a little bit not passing the ‘does this need to be sung/is this improved by being a song’ musical theatre test, although both improved within themselves as they progressed. The second song’s improvement was drastic: it starts with pedestrian (no pun intended) lyrics like “I’m walking to the station” “I’m looking for a token” but then, once it makes some incred The King & I references, it turns around and has a great second half. Once the show gets moving and hits its groove though, the music strengthens, or maybe the show just started growing on me more. Everything fit well and I didn’t even think about the music – in the good way of it melding into the story.
There’s a lot of heartfelt emotion infused throughout, as well as great humor (we laughed out loud at the Bonanza line, even though we are not old). I cracked up at the lyric that drew out saying Jackie O’s entire name with all her last names so it could rhyme with glasses. Brian Hill’s book had really hilarious parts too, like when Diana said “I’m having my bags sent round”, which made us giggle. But the book and the show’s magic is the twist reveal of Diana’s home life, a real dramatic shock that brought an already lovely show to a higher level of poignancy.
In this exploration of Diana’s relationships – with her husband, her moon, her life in general – I loved the friendship that Diana formed with the maid Ruby, or as I called it, “Pursie and Hoover, being best friends” (sing that like Kimmy Schmidt would). Having Diana find someone to help her navigate this adventure brought a lot of heart and love into a story that was already all heart. (“I’M ALL HEART MUHFUCKA!” I know I have cursed more than I should for a play this Safe For Families but I couldn’t not just quote that line; I walked right into that.)
There are some ridiculous parts, like when this lady gets high with a homeless 20 year-old (ridiculous! in a fun way), although their relationship was often glorious to watch too. Or how poor Evan Hansen’s mom was sitting smack dab in the middle back of the stage for like, the entire second half (ridiculous in a bad oversight way). Just snitting. Not even snittin next to Borpo. And Ruby’s cooking song could have been cut; it was very See Spot Run in its lyrics and my attention dropped at that point. Their friendship was so lovely to watch; literally any other sort of song or use of that time to show them together would have been stronger.
But these little dips didn’t really affect the overall quality too much. Diana’s song/s about her moon (Diana is the goddess of the moon after all, or at least related in a triad, mythology is all very magoo), her song in the mirror about being old, all had high levels of artistry and emotion (except that latter one is kind of rude to have this actress sing?? like how very dare you). And that reveal. I pulled a full-on Chris Pratt as Andy Dwyer in that ‘wowwww’ gif face, I tell you. This was a lovely gem of a truly original show and I couldn’t have appreciated it more even if it had tap-dancing astronauts.
