It’s Still Chanukah! Fried Maccabees/Mac & Cheese

*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it. 

Recently, we took a 45-minute flight to Amsterdam, city of canals and bicycles. But instead of exploring that beautiful city, we took an hour-long train to the tiny town of Zwolle, which is home to adorable little hotels and not much more. Why did we go to this rando Nethertown in the middle of Netherwhere? Because Zwolle (not to be confused with swoll, the cool kids’ new word for…swollen? cool kids are weird) is also home to De Librije, a 3-Michelin star (3***!!!) restaurant and hotel. And because my life is dope and I do dope shit (only time I will quote Yeezy).

      Before we get started with the food, I have to warn you that I don’t have full knowledge of what all the dishes in these pictures contained. Reasons: 1) The waiters weren’t great at speaking English and we were not great at adding lots of vowels to our words to fake being Dutch. 2) Usually diners are given copies of their menus at the end of their meal, but we were given these little cards with cartoons that were indecipherable. When we emailed the restaurant, asking for a more comprehensible menu, they very kindly emailed back a list of what these cards said. Bahaha. One just says “land & sea”. That’s all we got for an entire course. So funny. So unhelpful. Also, the cards for me (I was the only vegan), as well as the emailed menu, had a lot of dairy products listed. When I asked the restaurant in that same email what was up with that, they assured me that the list was a mistake and that all my dishes were of course vegan. While I of course hope that a restaurant of this caliber would know what vegan means, I’m still the tiniest bit skeptical now; wouldn’t you be? 

       Before the rest of the desserts (or before the start of the desserts, who knows really) came out, the waiters asked us if we wanted tea or coffee. Listen up, people. If you are ever in a restaurant like this, with a seemingly never-ending tasting menu, you ALWAYS, ALWAYS order tea or coffee if they ask. Why? Because it sort of unlocks another level in the meal, as if you were in a culinary video game where you have to collect all these hidden light-up coins as points. When they bring your tea or coffee, they without fail bring other dishes that you wouldn’t have gotten otherwise. That might seem unfair to those of you who don’t drink tea or coffee, but think of how much better your teeth are. But now you know anyway to always say yes to it. We’ve gotten some awesome secret-tea-round desserts in the past, but this was probably my favorite one: The tea/coffee was ITSELF the secret dessert dish. Look at my mint tea up there! It was a play on mint tea, with fresh, light, delicious sorbet on an ice pack with a sugared mint leaf and something like a brown sugar fan on the side. It was on an ice pack full of what looked like mint tea, actually, and at one point I thought I was supposed to cut the pack with my knife and somehow drink the contents. It’s good that I don’t follow through on everything I think. The coffee was even more fun – the cappucino was cappucino ice cream with chocolate accoutrement and whipped cream and it all looked absolutely awesome. I guess the only downside is if you actually wanted plain old hot coffee or tea but I think they brought them later. Who remembers in the food haze. 

   The cutest part of the dinner was this little chocolate-topped toadstool looking thing. I mean speaking of video games, doesn’t it remind you of something out of one? Maybe Toadstool, could be. Anyway, here they brought me my own plate of the dark chocolates they said were vegan, and they were great. I don’t think I got all the flavors the others got, but still, I’m at a restaurant like this that isn’t Alinea and they have chocolate for me? Happy dance. 

      The last part of this epic meal I wish came second to last. The chocolates would have been a lovely and appropriate ending. It just seems like a proper way to say goodbye, right? Chocolate is the right way to say anything! But I had something else coming – this curry sorbet. Yes, it’s curry flavored ice cream. Oh my goodness. It tasted pretty good, and 100 points for creativity and all, but still, it is curry ice cream. The fruit bits were nice. I liked very much that all my desserts weren’t repeated plates of fruit, as happens so frequently. I’m glad I got to try something so creative and unique but still, curry ice cream.

DE LIBRIJE, ZWOLLE, NETHERLANDS
Water speed: See above. It was actually atrocious, to be honest. Embarrassing for a restaurant of this caliber, and inexcusable. SHAME! SHAME! 
Service: Okay, shaky okay. They were nice enough when we could get them to pay attention to us, if uninformed about what the crap we were eating. 
Bathrooms: The bathrooms were fine, modern, and clean, but the best part? Black toilet paper! So weird! I’ve never seen that before! I’m sharing a picture of it. Yes I took pictures in the toilet. 
Food: Overall good, with some standouts. Some creative choices were weird, but I’d rather that then boring safe stuff, I think. Still, not 3 stars. 
Bonus: Beautiful space in a lovely hotel. Check back tomorrow to see the rooms! 

    Every year for the past countable number of years (four?), the wonderful sushi restaurant Moshimo in Brighton has held a special all-vegan dinner event in which chefs from other restaurants present their spin on vegan sushi. It’s called the Great Moshimo Vegan Challenge. And boy, was this year a challenge or what. 
    It’s a contest, and the diners vote for the winner. Jojo at vegan.in.brighton invited me to join her this year, and considering how envious I have been in past years, I was all for it. Sadly, my suspicion that I bring bad luck around with me like a personal storm cloud was reinforced, because most of this stuff was hella gross.

    The restaurant itself has fantastic vegan food. It’s a regular mainstream sushi restaurant, but they have one of the most vegan-friendly menus I’ve ever seen in an omni place. Equally important, the management is very committed to providing sustainable sushi — short of eliminating fish altogether. (They did remove bluefin tuna from their menu early on though, so there’s that.) Hence their dedication to vegan sushi, the most sustainable kind, and this event for raising awareness and interest in this most excellent lifestyle.
     Everything I have eaten that was actually made by Moshimo chefs has been wonderful. It’s this whole letting-other-chefs-use-your-kitchen-and-feed-utter-nonsense-to-unsuspecting-patrons thing that gets tricky. At this event, eight chefs from different Brighton restaurants and catering companies came in and shared a vegan dish that incorporated the vegan sushi theme and their individual restaurant’s style. It’s a chance for great local chefs to be really creative and exciting and impressive. Usually, they are. This year, due to my storm cloud (but mostly due to lack of effort, taste buds, and common sense), the dishes ranged from boring to inedible to almost good, the worst kind. Well no, ‘inedible’ is I guess worse than food that with a little more effort could have been solid, but the latter makes me angrier. Let’s see what went down! 

      First, let’s look at all the wonderful food that Moshimo sent out between contest dishes to keep us happy. Seriously, these dishes were the best part of the night. Moshimo is a conveyor-belt-style sushi place, so it was really fun to pick the best looking plate coming down the belt. And it was really smart to keep diners happy and full with actually decent food. 

The sampler dish sent out first was heaven. Roasted squash, seaweed salad, and a warm crunchy dumplingy thing I want some of right now. All good. We also got loads of edamame, dumplings, and maki rolls coming down the conveyor belt during the night. Moshimo’s sushi is fantastic. It’s simple yet still interesting. 

      All right, fine. Let’s get to the contest. First up was a dish called Fancy Nancy, which we learned at the end (it’s anonymous because of the contest) was from the fancy upscale restaurant Terre a Terre. I have been dying to eat at this restaurant, but now? Now I’m iffy! See what one bad showing can do? You always have to be on your game, people! Fancy Nancy featured pickled lotus, kimchee, cilantro, lychee — all of this sounds great and very sushi-like, right — but then these great ingredients came on top of Mexican cheesy rice. Oh my god I am going to throw up again just thinking about how ridiculous this was. Cold, fresh, fruity ingredients over HOT SPICY VOMIT RICE??? What? It was like the rice that comes in a burrito, but two days later. And then with fruit on top of it. I DON’T KNOW. So gross. 

    Next up was Mochi Mochi (what a freaking creative name, people!) from the catering company Cashew. This was actually one of the three that I liked. However, it had nothing to do with sushi. They described it as mixed mushroom and edamame stuffed mochi, with ume, horseradish, pickle, cherry sauce, cucumber, and beetroot and carrot crisps. Okay, this was a potato croquette but made of rice. That’s it. A warm, comforting, mild croquette, without a sign of any ume or horseradish or anything aside from warm beigeness. But it was good! 

    Coming up next was the Sprouting Maki, from VBites, the winner every year apparently and the winner this year as well! Good job…putting faux teriyaki chicken on a ball of rice. That’s what this was. It was one piece of all-rice “maki” (that’s just a rice ball) with a dollop of vegan caviar (horseradishy tiny balls), and then one piece oh so small of maki with the chicken on top. And then there was a teeny tiny square of papaya, randomly. It won because that teriyaki chicken is amazing. They should have given everyone a bowl of the stuff over rice, but that would have been costly. Or at least the chicken should have been inside the maki to make it more interesting. Oh well. This was everyone’s favorite but I wanted it to be better! Don’t just drop the main/best part on top! And that one plain rice ball was like a boring plain slap in the face. I do want some of that chicken now, though. That Heather Mills knows her stuff. 

     Next was my favorite! I don’t mean favorite like this was delicious, or creative, or anything positive, but I mean it like holy crap, this was the funniest thing all evening. I mean what in the world. This Wasabi Canopy, I think it was called, was from Indian Summer, a catering company that didn’t even show up or send a chef, but just dropped off a tray of these and was like “Hey, other people who don’t work for us, put this shit on a plate and throw it in people’s faces.” It was a gram flour roll that was somehow like jelly. Gram flour, or chickpea flour, is one of my favorite food items ever. I use it all the time. Never in my experience have I discovered how to make it gelatinous and disgusting. I just…HOW??? How do you turn something as benign and wonderful as chickpea flour into a weird cold eggy roll? It felt like the devil’s work. 

   
    The dish from catering company 64 Degrees was at least properly named. It was called Gotcha, which is mean but it’s honest. And yeah, everything about this felt like trickery. It wasn’t bad at all, as a snack, but it was odd as a meal. Who thought of this? I wish I could have been in the room when the following conversation undoubtedly took place:

      “We should take those small square Japanese rice crackers that everyone knows well from bulk bins and are generically named “Asian Snack” and soak them in a sweet sauce until they get chewy. BUT NOT SOFT.”

                — “Um, Pete, that’s really weird. We’re trying to impress people with how good vegan sushi can be.”

      “F%*# vegans! All good sushi has fish in it. So let’s just take something that’s already vegan – rice cracker thingies, they don’t have a name – and serve it like it’s dinner.”

               — “But that will be really…weird. It might be a decent snack, but that’s not a good meal. We’re trying to win a contest here by presenting dinner food.”

      “If we win, then vegans win.”

               — “What?”

      “Do you want vegans to win?”

            –“I…what?”

      “Do you have a better idea?”

And that’s the story behind how we were served bowls of those crunchy rice crackery things soaked in a sweet miso glaze until they became unbelievably chewy and caramelized, and how we all lost teeth and gained future cavities. 

     The dish that came around next was probably the meanest food I’ve ever been served. It was a ‘Frida Kahlo’. I mean. wtf. That’s what the Mexican restaurant La Choza named this dish. It was a Freedom Rolls tortilla wrapped around habanero chiles, squash, adobo, and avocado wasabi sauce, cut into a maki-sized roll. So it was a little revolting burrito shaped like a piece of sushi. It was extremely hot because of the chiles, but with absolutely no other flavor besides hot public bathroom. Not only was it disgusting like bland vomit air, but it made me lose brain function for a minute and inexplicably I ATE TWO OF THEM. I was sick for weeks. Hell I’m sick now just thinking about it. Why would I waste room on two of these abominations? What on earth came over me? Did the first one not disgust me enough? Was a part of my stupid, stupid brain thinking, “Wait, was that thing I just ate disgusting, or am I making that up? Am I making that up? Did I forget so quickly what that tastes like? Here, let me try again.” NO! 

Luckily (or unluckily because I was almost too full from the two pieces of turd I had just eaten), the next dish was my favorite. It was a play on fish and chips and sushi at the same time, and it was definitely the most creative of the night, as if the chef had actually listened to the instructions. It was Unfish and Chips, from the catering company Egg & Spoon. The dish was a big fat piece of quinoa and pickled tofu stuffed maki with tempura tofu wrapped around the outside. A few spots of yuzu ketchup and wasabi mushy pea puree dotted the plate, along with a wakame rice chip. I wish I ate two of these instead. There was a lot of quinoa here, and it was a bit hard to eat, but so is all good sushi, or something like that. The taste was pretty much ‘tempura’, and it was delicious. However, one of the purees, I think the yuzu, tasted like hot empty trash sweat to me. Like a rotten piece of wood. Others thought it was fine, so maybe I had a bad batch or maybe I am allergic to dumb things like pureeing a yellow fruit and calling it ketchup. That was not delicious, but the main part of this dish was indeed, so it’s cool. They came in second place and rightly so. This was the kind of thing I was expecting every round to feature: something creative that actually tasted good. 

    Sadly, no one saved the best for last here. The last round was not even good. From caterer Sam’s, another terrible competitor who failed to send a chef in and just dropped off trays with no instructions and hardly even a how-do-you-do, came a kohlrabi and shiitake ‘salad’ with toasted sesame oil. I put salad in quotes because this looked more like soup given the amount of oil the kohlrabi was swimming in. So. freaking. wrong. I was so excited for some cool fresh veggies and I was given a full cup of sesame oil instead. The mushrooms were entirely too salty to enjoy, and the kohlrabi was freaking hard to eat with chopsticks because of how oily it was! So gross. 

    Luckily, the good people at Moshimo gave us their wonderful chocolate mousse for dessert. Can’t go wrong with simple chocolate mousse. 
    Man alive, can you believe this showing? Do I dare attend next year? It can only improve, right? Even though a lot of the dishes were gross, I’m really glad I went this year. I now know so many businesses to avoid! But seriously it was a lot of fun, and it’s always good to get Moshimo sushi! Even if I had to eat a lot of other crap as well.