Kopps, Berlin:  This Is How Brunch Professionals Do Brunch

     Not that I’m an expert on what the cool kids are up to, but when a restaurant is a) in Shoreditch and b) has at least an hour wait even on a Tuesday evening, I’m pretty confident in calling it the hippest. Especially when the majority of people in the mass waiting in line to get in are wearing jean shorts and black tights. So hip in these parts. 

And Dishoom in Shoreditch (it also has two locations more westerly but East London is for the cooler people) is actually worth standing in that queue for. Billing itself as a Bombay Cafe, its spectacular street-food inspired-ish Indian food stands out in the sea of Indian food that composes East London. Unlike the majority of nearby Indian restaurants, you can feel secure as a vegan that what you’re ordering is, in fact, vegan. (I’ve had too many restaurant hawkers on Brick Lane (what are they called?) tell me a little too assuredly not to worry about the ghee.) The first time I went to Dishoom, when I asked my waitress what I could have as a vegan, she whipped out a pen and marked up my entire menu with her notes. It was hilarious and so sweet! Now, I’ve discovered that they have a whole separate dairy-free menu, showing items that are already dairy-free and what could easily be made dairy-free, so it’s a breeze to use that menu and just look for the items marked (v) for vegetarian. Yayyy fun game. 
      The thing to know about eating at Dishoom is that, if you are doing it right, your mouth will be on fire. Or at least by London standards. It’s hard to find legitimately spicy foods at mainstream restaurants here — they’ll be like, are you sure you want the 3 bells level of spicy wow it’s so spicy, and then it’ll be something you barely taste. And I’m on the wimpier side spicy-wise, so I’m not exaggerating. But Dishoom gets it so right. Some of the stuff (like the gunpowder potatoes, aptly named) is pretty killer, yet the taste of the spice outshines the heat of the spice, which is so important. So good! Oh, also, the other thing to know is that it’s pretty much the darkest restaurant I’ve ever not seen. Like scary ridiculously goth dark, so my pictures are even worse than usual if possible! Wheee! Let’s see what to order. 

       First off, the drinks. When you’re about halfway through your wait, you’ll probably have made it to the bar waiting area, where you are given beepers that beep when your table is ready beep beep. Dishoom’s bar has a pretty lovely non-alcoholic section, mainly because it exists, which is rare here. Do yourself a favor and get the watermelon sharbat, which is fresh watermelon muddled with mint, lime, and sea salt and served over ice. It’s REALLY good, and it’s not very sweet, which is perfect if you are a respectable person with a pink drink and not a drunken foo’ on a hen party with a pink drink. Do yourself another favor and DON’T I repeat DON’T be tempted to get the Kala Khatta Sharbat, even though you’re intrigued, even though the bartender LITERALLY  tells you that he doesn’t want to make it for you because you will hate it and how can you ignore how tempting that shit is, even when he really begs you and your friends not to try it, even when he begrudgingly concedes that it’s his job to make what you want and that you can try it if you really want to but that you will really still hate it. He’s right, yall. IT’S AWFUL. It’s kokum fruit juice which apparently is in the mangosteen family according to webs but I’d believe it was part of the this-tastes-like-burnt-wood family, chilli (yes, in your drink), citrus (that’s okay), and FREAKING BLACK SALT. Yeah, like the crap we vegans add to shit to make it taste all sulphury like freaking disgusting eggs, they put in this drink. That’s not even the best part: the menu says this mishmash of ingredients better served for making a table are “left to rest” before being strained over ice. It “will take you straight back to Chowpatty beach”, they promise, which now I believe is a threat. Moral of story, don’t get that, even though I’m pretty sure you’re going to try it now because human impulse. 

    Moving on. The best things, as in any restaurant, are the starters. I will always start with the same things at Dishoom because they are so good: the veg samosa, obviously; the okra fries, even more obviously; and the bhel, not obviously at all because what even is that? My friend the Wayfarer (who is Indian and therefore an expert on Indian food and she really liked Dishoom so there) ordered the bhel one time and I’m obsessed now. It’s like a really interesting bowl of cereal if you added both sweet and savory things and were like, what am I doing, this makes no sense, but it’s delicious. It’s puffed grains with pomegranate seeds, which sounds perfect, but then onions and tomatoes, which is like whaaat, and then lime, tamarind, and mint seasonings and the thing’s just crazy enough to work. It’s really addictive! I would never have thought to try such a messed up bowl of cereal but I’m so glad I did. As for the samosas and the okra fries, come on, it’s fried goodness, get like 4 orders of each and you’ll be okay. Oh also the menu description for the okra fries reads “Fine lady’s fingers for the fingers”. So that’s a plus, I think.

     I also have enjoyed the Far Far in the past, which is described as “carnival snackery”, colorful fried crackery things that are salty and somehow lemony. But they are easily found in my nearby ethnic groceries so they’re not my restaurant constants. 
     The fun continues with the more-substantial-but-still-small plates. We get to eat vegetables now, with both kachumber and ‘a bowl of greens’. The bowl of greens is usually too overdressed and vinegary and salty for my taste, but I get it every time because I need greens at every meal or I get grumpers. It’s spinach, snow peas, and broccoli with lime and chili, and sometimes it has too much lime, sometimes too much chili. It’s not the most consistent dish on the menu, but it is the most green. 
   The kachumber is the classic salad that every Eastern culture has, what I’ve always known as Israeli salad but everyone knows as someone else’s. It’s tomato, cucumber, and onion chopped up. You know it. It goes well in falafel wraps. You’re probably thinking, oh kachumber is a cute name that kind of sounds like cucumber, I see why they chose it. No, it actually means beating someone up nicely. Okay monster man. 

     I’m pretty sure the most-ordered item at Dishoom is the gunpowder potatoes. I am not basing this on any research or you know even asking an employee, just going by what I believe in. Potatoes are good. These are super spicy potatoes, skins on, smoky and grilled till they crack apart and then tossed with seeds and herbs. They are normally tossed with butter as well, but the dairy-free menu assures you that they can be made without. Given the strength of the dry heat the potatoes give off (like Austin!), I bet butter helps calm the spiciness. If I’m right, that means the dairy-free potatoes are even hotter and more gunpowdery, so vegans are badasses. Nice. 

       So as you can see, the small plates at Dishoom are pretty great and numerous. Unfortunately, there’s really only one entree for vegans, but it’s really delicious: the Rajma-Chawal. It’s a little cast iron pot (but an enormous portion) of slow-cooked and deeply spiced red kidney beans in a thick, dark red sauce, served over basmati rice and topped with fresh herbs. It’s really good, considering it’s what you’re kind of forced to order. I’m still not upset about the lack of entree options at Dishoom because these damn beans are so delicious, and because by this point in the meal I’m stuffed to the gills anyway of fried littles and random tomato cereal. What I am upset about is that the basmati rice is the only rice or bread accompaniment that is vegan-friendly. No naan here. But that’s okay when there’s a decent offering of vegan dishes at a place where all your omnivore friends will be dying to go, and that’s the best part: Not only is Dishoom the place to see and be seen, maybe, at least regarding hipsters, but it’s the perfect place for a mixed group of eaters. 

DISHOOM, SHOREDITCH, LONDON
Water speed: Oh London, please stop it with these little tumblers that are the length of my pinky. 
Service: Decent and helpful, but they are hard to flag down because this place is always super heaving with a constantly moving crowd. Such crowd.  
Bathrooms: There’s never a line (yay) because there are at least 5 stalls, but they have that weird England-basement-but-sort-of-also-the-camp-kitchen smell.  
Food: Good, fun, spicy. 
Bonus: It’s like being in an ad for Topshop with all those stockings and shorts combos and all those big floppy hats even at night and all those men with ironic beards and my god I’m surrounded by hipsters. 

*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it. 

Unlike all the other posts in this series, this meal was completely impromptu. On a recent Friday, Husband and I met up in Shoreditch (our old but always hood) after work and thought, where on earth/Shoreditch/Most Popular Land for Hipsters on a Friday Night at prime time will we be able to eat dinner without a reservation? Oh, I’m sorry, without a ‘booking’. (Okay this is one I’m actually starting to say though, eek. Choosing my battles.) Most of the cool places book up way in advance, the others (like Dishoom) forcing you to line up for hours like you’re waiting for the latest iPhone. While walking around somewhat aimlessly, we walked past Lyle’s, which is right across from the BoxPark and the overground station. Lyle’s opened relatively recently and was virtually immediately awarded a Michelin star. For dinner, it offers a set tasting menu, and books up in advance. We knew it was totally booked but figured it was worth asking. You don’t ask, you don’t get, as the philosopher Strega Nonna says.

       Armed only with my husband’s knowledge that he thought he saw somewhere that they can accommodate vegans, we asked the host if by any chance there were any cancellations that night. Lo and behold, they had a free table for two open at that very moment! What luck! Next came the follow-up question that I always feel supes awk asking after all the preceding excitement, ‘oh yay thanks amazing um can you feed me?’ On Lyle’s website, they post the daily tasting menu plus a vegetarian version, but it’s usually full of cheese and eggs and stuff, so I figured that for a vegan version, they’d need notice. But he said no problem! No problem! Dance emoji! I hate springing the veganism on a restaurant without giving them prior notice, but they were unfazed. As any professional restaurant should be. Especially one with a Michelin star. I bet with advance warning they could have prepared something even better, but it was a great meal nonetheless.
        After we were seated in the open, airy, totally unassuming dining room (where I could watch the open kitchen from my seat! I can see Russia from my house!), we were brought, without too much delay, a pitcher of tap water. Those who know me know that this is the way to my heart. Strong start. Then we were brought a basket of really good hearty bread. Second way to my heart. My heart was so happy! On to the food!
      Like other Michelinas, Lyle’s usually gives printed menus to each diner. However, since I surprised them, I didn’t get a printed menu, so the following descriptions of the dishes are pure guesses.       

    Normally in these tasting menu meals, we get so full that it hurts before we’re even halfway through. I tend to start either talking like Gizmo or laughing hysterically in a manner akin to how it used to sound signing onto AOL. The great part of Lyle’s is that it’s totally a normal amount of food so you don’t get that hurt. The only thing that happened was that at one point Husband stopped, made a quizzical face, emptied his pockets, and then said, “I have crumbs in my pockets.” I’m still laughing about that one. But now, we still felt like normal people and had room for dessert! 

LYLE’S, SHOREDITCH, LONDON, UK, EUROPE FOR NOW
Water speed: Very impressive for a London restaurant! I wonder if they talked afterwards about how they never had a patron go through so many jugs of water.
Service: Very nice and accommodating, considering I surprised them. Service itself was good for most of the meal, but the second half slowed down a great deal. I think I spent over an hour between finishing the girolles and getting my dessert. A lot of that is because Husband was given an extra dish, but not all of it was that.
Bathrooms: The bathrooms are single serving, one for men and one for women. Like all places with this setup, they should just make it singles for everyone. I don’t get the specifying for gender when it’s single toilets. I mean maybe the men’s has a urinal but it also must have a toilet so come on. They had nice soap but also had that weird pull chain from the ceiling to flush like so many London places do because this city was built a billion years ago and the plumbing is atrosh. This is the most I’ve ever written about toilets and I feel weird.
Food: Overall nice, simple food done very well. Despite it being many courses, it felt non-sickly.
Bonus: Be so cool dining in Shoreditch with all the cool people!