New Orleans Travel Guide: Who Dat?

​Once we decided to do the Trans-Mongolian instead of the Trans-Siberian (Mongolia and China instead of just lots more Siberia? not a hard decision), we knew we had to line up our dates so that we landed in Mongolia in time for Naadam, the most important festival and event in the Mongolian calendar (I mean it’s the only festival and event in the Mongolian calendar that I know, so I could be wrong about that but I’m probably right). The three-day festival is like the country’s own Olympics, celebrating the Three Sports of Men, or the Three Sports of Chingis (Genghis) Khan, something like that. In our English language pamphlets handed out in the stadium it says “Three Manly Sports” which is hilarious so let’s say it’s that one. Those three exalted sports are wrestling, archery, and horse-racing. Seems straightforward enough, right? Ha!

​Naadam is held from July 11 to July 13, although the closing ceremony occurs on the night of July 12 and stuff still continues the next day or so but don’t worry your pretty little head about that. Naadams are held all over the country like each little town’s and region’s own little special olympics (lowercase for both is really important). But the big deal is in Ulaan Baatar, and it is CROWDED. All the city’s 1.5 million residents seemed to be in that stadium meant for maybe 5,000, plus all the people coming in from the countryside to see it. The three sports of men are a huge deal, apparently.

We got tickets to the opening ceremony, the closing ceremony, and wrestling. A whole lot of wrestling. We would learn that you don’t actually need tickets for the sporting events, so we rocked up to watch a good amount of archery and the Mongolian version of beer pong as well.

The opening ceremony was very exciting — outside, milling about the endless rows of food and drink stalls (mostly selling khuushuur, the meat-filled empanada looking traditional food that is apparently like the official food to eat at Naadam), were TONS of people, and mostly Mongolian people, so there was this strong air of patriotism and excitement and just overall camaraderie – that is, until we went to our seats. We had seats in the so-called ‘tourist section’ because it’s in the shade (bless whoever made that happen), but it was as unorganized and chaotic as you could ever imagine. People were sitting in the wrong seats, in the aisles and on the bases of pillars and on the barriers to the entrance/exit. And I don’t just mean people. Whatever number you are imagining in your head as composing this crowd, multiply it by 10 at least. We had to literally climb over dozens of people to get into the entrance (like a regular stadium gate-by-gate open entrance, but in a stadium from medieval times)and then do the same through the aisles to get to our seats, where tourists were sitting because they don’t know how to read tickets but who even cares when Mongolian and foreign people are just sitting wherever the hell they want with no regard for safety? And there were plenty of stadium staff, volunteers, and police everywhere, so the people you hoped would get things in order – or at least form a path for when people had to exit – didn’t bat an eyelash at the scene. It was a terrifying thought, but we realized during this ceremony/scene of absolute dire chaos how, you know whenever you hear about a terrible accident in a third world country where hundreds or thousands more people die than seems correct or possible for such a building or type of accident? We realized that if anyone at all went wrong in this stadium, there was no way we or anyone could get out. It was really scary, actually. I couldn’t even leave to pee! I mean I tried eventually and stepped on or over 57 people and the only bathroom was halfway around the entire stadium (cool designing, guys) but I waited for so long. I was not eager to return afterwards because what if there was a fire! 

​Luckily, there wasn’t! Thank you Chingis!  Aside from the constant fear and the terrible bladder pain, the opening ceremony was pretty entertaining! The organizers had conscripted literally every single Mongolian child, teenager, and really adult to be a part of it. Every time we thought the performer crowd had reached its limit, another group of 100 people in a different costume would run out onto the field. There aren’t that many Mongolians. I really mean it, every single citizen was either on that field or sitting in my aisle. 

I’m not really sure what story the ceremony told because the voice booming over the speaker system for two hours was of course speaking Mongolian but I’m going to try my best to relate what I saw. First, lots of men in costumes reminiscent of the dolls working for Lord Farquaad in Shrek came out on horseback for celebratory lap around the track. People lost their shit seeing horses gallop, I’m not kidding. I was sitting next to a midwestern American woman who was either on drugs or just simple because every little thing made her squee with glee. She also had the loudest clap I’ve ever heard and like it actually hurt my ears sitting next to her. That’s enough about her. So after the cavalry, 100 tweens dressed in white came out and did some weird modern dancing for a bit before they released doves, which made people lose their shit even more than the horses. I was the only person not screaming my aggressive approval, because that shit is super cruel. How long did you have those doves crammed in your pockets, you little shits? Some of the doves weren’t able to fly out of the stadium because their wings had been so damaged, so for the next two hours there were half a dozen doves just on the field. It was heartbreaking. I’m sharing all of this so the monsters among you reading this who are planning an event and want to release doves decide not to. For those of you reading who would never dream of doing such a bullshit thing and are as sad as I am now, I’m sorry and here is a picture of my doggie:

So then lots more men in hilarious I mean very stately and regal period costumes came onto the field. We’re talking hundreds. As far as I could tell, they were telling the story of how Genghis/Chingis inspired his armies to fight against the Roman legions, and he brought about the fall of Rome. I’m not sure the dates line up for that to be historically accurate, and again I have no idea what was being said so the chances of this being what was actually on display are extremely low, but you try figuring this out. 

​After the Romans were sufficiently vanquished, Chingis and his manly men had to deal with the, um, wizards, and their dragons. Chingis whistled for a giant silver bird to lead his men to victory, and the giant Chingis float and the giant dragon floats moved about slowly and awkwardly but overall impressively until the Mongolians cheered their approval and another round of horse riders took a victory lap around the stadium. The only good part about the frequent horse laps is the group of men who come out behind them with brooms and poop-collecting pans. 

​Then they had to vanquish the um gold alien men? So they called back upon the giant silver bird to help win that battle. Guys I really had to pee. 

​But then it got even more exciting! Somehow they set up a huge stage in the middle of the field and DOZENS of people came out from underneath. How long were they cooped up in those holes!! Oh my god! Much worse than the guy in Ocean’s 11 and I’m sure much hotter. Dayum they just kept coming and coming more and more out from under the stage I feel bad for them but it was kind of hilarious in the pure clown-car aspect of it. BUT IT GETS BETTER. Because guess who Chingis had to fight next?

​THAT’S RIGHT THE DINOSAURS! He didn’t even move from his giant float seat; Chingis was all ‘get out of my kingdom, dinosaurs! Go back to chilling in the Garden of Eden with Adam & Eve like they teach happened at the Creation Museum in Kentucky!’ And Chingis is so powerful and manly that they listened.

​But the hell demons loved the dinosaurs and the dino banishment made them angry! Hellfireeee!

​It’s okay! We will dance the demons back to hell!

​
​But then that damn Roman army returned!

​And again, dancing will be the answer.

To celebrate, the bull and the elephant statues rocked around and then hundreds more people in various costumes danced (how did people remember all this choreography!) and balloons were released (don’t do that either!) and all these medieval-looking army people waved flags and then literally 200 tweens with rainbow umbrellas came out just to stand with their umbrellas around the track for everrrr. It was so hot and boring for them, just standing there. One little boy was not about to waste his time standing still when he was a part of Naadam. He twirled his umbrella, he danced, he did the funniest poses – peace signs, waves, even dap lol. He was my favorite part. He was everyone’s favorite; the whole section was laughing and loving him. It was so funny.

Next, I just still can’t believe. It was the presentation of all Mongolia’s animals. They literally walked oxen, camels, horses, sheep, goats, ibix (what is the plural of that…is that plural?), cows and bulls, freaking yaks, all around the track. Real ones. Those poop scoopers were busy. I thought we were being punked by this point. But it got even better! Just like at the Olympics, small groups of representatives from various organizations paraded around the track, each waving their banners and holding their signs. But instead of it being the athletes from each country, here it was just representatives of the companies sponsoring Naadam. At least I think it was sponsors. It might just have been all the Mongolian companies. Oh my god. Like all the airlines walked by with their flight attendants and pilots in their uniforms, various restaurants. Even Harley Davidson wheeled by, at which I overheard the most nauseating conversation from the old white American men sitting behind me: “You know, the Harley Davidson corporate office is now just a mile from where Julia lives!” “Oh that’s GREAT!” IS IT??? 

​Just when you thought it was over, hundreds of young girls dressed in ice blue costumes came out and danced more.

​Then everyone, all ten thousand participants, danced together and everyone was joyous and we figured that was it.

​But then this guy came out.

​I can’t make up a reason for this guy.

​Okay, on to the Three Manly Sports! First of all, let’s forget about the horse-racing. It takes place 30km or so outside the city, so we weren’t going to see it anyway, but more importantly horse-racing is a cruel and inhumane torture method masquerading as a ‘sport’. Second of all, the three sports of men are really, apparently, four sports, because there’s a pavilion for ankle-bone shooting. What the hell is ankle-bone shooting, you ask? How can you not know? It’s when non-athletic men lounge around and flick sheep’s literal ankle-bones at targets. It is a drinking game from a USA state university gone official.

​As for the two remaining and more legitimate sports. I was super excited. Not that I like wrestling, but it would be interesting to see it in a country that adores it so much. And archery! I liked doing archery at camp. And I like Robin Hood: Men in Tights. It would be just like that, right? Lol no. The rules for the Mongolian versions of these sports are unlike anything you’d have guessed. We’ll start with wrestling.

​We were sitting in our seats in the tourist section of the main stadium (the second day was like a whole different place; no aisle sitting or anything! so much better!), waiting for some matches to start, before we realized…it had started. What looked like men in diapers and boas just wandering around and warming up was actually Mongolian wrestling. See, there is no time limit to their faceoffs, and no boundary limit, and they had multiple pairings going at once! So like 30 Mongolian men were on the field all walking around the entire length and width of it, biding their time before making a quick move that would knock their opponent down. They can go on forever! And it was hard to know who was actually going because there were so many at once. So awkward!

​Every once in a while the crowd would roar and we’d catch the tail end of a brief but exciting bit of actual activity. It was interesting and so unlike any wrestling you’ve seen. Unless you’ve seen Mongolian wrestling. So the English language pamphlet we received says this: “Many foreigners are confused by Mongolian wrestling and may find it boring or too long. On the contrary, wrestling is actually the most interesting and entertaining Naadam sport.” OKAY I GUESS THAT’S THAT THEN.

​All the wrestlers are wearing speedo underwear and a frilly shrug around their shoulders. The goal is to have the biggest bare skin-to-clothing ratio, apparently. The wrestlers also wear important hats – red, with yellow stripes. The yellow stripes signify how high their ranking is. They take the hats off when they are about to actually wrestle, which helps you realize that they actually started the match and aren’t just still standing around. But they still are. Little bursts of action happen every now and then, but despite how long the matches can take and usually do take, the match (is it called a match? squirmish?) ends as soon as someone’s elbow or knee touches the ground. So it’s not like the man-on-man-on-mat type wrestling you may be imagining – it’s mostly just like pushing with hands while standing, and as soon as someone goes down at all, it’s over. And they are allowed to touch anywhere they want – except the head.

​As for archery, we had even less of an idea what was going on. This was mostly due to the hour and a half of interpretive dance (soo weird) that began the archery trials on Day 1. We hurried over in hopes of seeing an arrow or two hit a target, and it was like two hours before they started actually shooting arrows and even longer before we realized that they don’t shoot at targets like we know archery to do. They shoot their arrows in high soft arcs that land in a pit of little red and brown leather jars! And they try to knock them over. It’s like bowling but with archery! It was so ridiculous!

​The archers have 40 shots, which seems like a lot! They have to get their high soft arc to land on the cylinders – any of them, there are no extra points for hitting the red ones in the center, which seems wrong – and push the cylinders away! They don’t get any points unless the arrow pushes cylinders at least eight centimeters away from its starting position! It is SO bowling!

The best part of both of these sports is that there are teams of judges dressed in traditional costume that surround each of the wrestlers, like their little entourage in their corner of the ring. But instead of smacking them and toweling off sweat, they are singing traditional phrases and songs about their performances. And in archery, the Greek chorus of judges stands by the targets and sings and does certain hand signs depending on whether and how many clay jars the arrow hit. HILARIOUS.

​We heard that the champion of wrestling was given a Land Rover, another car, and an APARTMENT. No idea what the archer got.

​Okay, so about that Mongolian version of beer pong, or when boys fold up paper into little paper footballs and shoot them at people during high school. Ankle-bone shooting is a team game, like bowling, so says the pamphlet, though I wanna be like, your archery is the bowling. Anyway, teams are crowded into tiny spaces and everyone is super friendly and sportsmanlike, to the point that no one is allowed to curse or get angry or say anything rude, and instead of disappointment when someone messes up, everyone – you guessed it – SINGS!!!

​As you can see, Naadam was really interesting, overwhelming, and mostly fun. I’m really glad we got to see so much of it. Now I don’t need to go back to Mongolia. Despite how much fun it was to fear for our lives in a poorly constructed and managed stadium and how interesting it was to learn about new sports, my favorite part about Naadam was that one of the stalls had bubble tea. I had a strawberry tea one one day and a mango tea the next. I love bubble tea. I also had this super fun potato tornado!!

​NO OMG my favorite part was this amazing Mongolian baby! He was so cute! I made Z pretend he was taking a picture of me so we could sneak a pic of the baby. Enjoy!

      After spending a lot of time inland and in Bosnia & Herzegovina, I spent almost 5 days in Dubrovnik, the lovely crown jewel of the Adriatic. If coming from Mostar, like I was, you can take a pretty comfortable bus for a few hours and stop halfway through to see the sight above. How freaking beautiful is this. After the week in the mountains, it was nice to see the crystal blue water. 

     Dubrovnik is such an interesting little town, really unlike anything I’ve ever seen. It is entirely walled in (or at least the Old Town is, where most tourists will remain), a tiny fortress of a town surrounded by steep cliffs and the beautiful ocean. You’ll enter the Old Town by one of three gates, most likely Pile Gate, the main one from the major road outside (which leads up to the fancy Hilton). I’ve never been in such a densely touristed place. 

    
    Dubrovnik is a really easy destination for frightful travelers, because it is 100% for tourists. No locals live anywhere nearby – it is all the tourist trade. It’s pretty safe, and it’s incredibly easy and manageable. Kind of like an inoffensive Disney World but with history. 
     The main thing to do is mosey along the Stradun, the main boulevard through the Old Town, and wander all the little streets leading off of it. You can’t get lost; you’re walled in. The streets are filled with restaurants, cafes, shops, gelato purveyors, and, of course, cathedrals and museums. People-watching along the Stradun is first-rate, if you’re into that sort of thing.     

     One of the first things you’ll see upon walking through Pile Gate is the Franciscan Monastery Museum. It’s a pleasant little stop off the Stradun with charming cloisters, providing some calm from the throngs outside. It also houses one of the oldest pharmacies in Europe, and it’s still operating today. 
     My favorite activity in the Old Town was walking the city walls. For 50 kuna, you climb atop the city and stroll along the walls for a few hours, all around the city, and catch the most incredible views. I recommend going just before last call, around 6:30 pm, as it’s less crowded and you get great light as the sun sets.

     My other favorite activity? Kayaking! This might have been my favorite part of the whole trip because I love to be active and kick ass. And I kind of kicked ass. 
     The picture at left shows a little inlet that we pulled into about halfway through the ride, so we could swim. Also, the guide (and my boyfriend, because crazy) jumped off of that cliff. I know. It’s really high.     
     Outside Pile Gate, you’ll find tons of guys handing out fliers about kayaking trips from different companies. I’m pretty sure they are all generally interchangeable. I chose a late afternoon trip, hoping that the sun wouldn’t be as brutal. We kayaked about 3 hours, on a surprisingly far-reaching route circling Lokrum island. You kayak in 2-person boats, and most people had never kayaked before. (If you are alone, you’ll probably get paired with a guide, so that’s a plus.) It can be as easy or as strenuous as you want. I definitely recommend doing this if you can! It was pretty exhausting but so enjoyable. The company provided sandwiches (and packed fruit for me!), plenty of water, and had waterproof tubs for cameras and such. Once we were back on land, the guides opened a few bottles of wine for everyone to share while we chatted about our travels and backgrounds. We had such a great time! 

     Another fantastic thing to do? Climb Mount Srd! Ok, not with your feet, but in a cable car – even better! (I found one of the funniest ever admonitions against doing something in the Rick Steves guidebook. It says something like, “If you are in great shape, and it’s not too hot out, you might consider taking the cable car up and walking down the mountain.” Hahahaha. So yeah, don’t try to hike up it. Also, cable cars are fun!) The cable car entrance is a bit tricky to find, about a 10 minute walk outside Ploce Gate. The view from Mount Srd is so worth this ride.

     My last must-do thing to tell you about is Buza, a bar carved into the cliffs that doubled as a beach! 
     Dubrovnik doesn’t really have beaches (you go to the islands or to Montenegro for that). However, this little cliff bar-beach was even better – no sand, no hassle, just drinks and jumping into the water! So much fun! Also, the bar has one of the best drinks in the Balkans – Schweppe’s Bitter Lemon soda. I don’t usually like soda, but I loved this.
    You reach Buza from the corridors near Ploce Gate. It’s a little tricky to find. Ok, a lot tricky. I don’t remember how we finally found it, but it was worth the trouble! You just sit at a table, order a drink, walk a few feet towards the cliff edge, and jump!! Then you can climb back up to your seat, relax, enjoy your drink and the view, and then jump again! Lather rinse repeat. It’s really the coolest. There were people of all ages enjoying the spot, and there are many rocks of various heights to jump off of. I was a little skittish at first, and I didn’t go very high, but I still had lots of fun.

Speaking of Montenegro…
    Definitely go on a day trip from Dubrovnik to the Bay of Kotor! It’s beautiful, and it’s a really easy and fun side trip. There are plenty of tour companies around the Stradun, and most of them have affordable, small-group van tours to Montenegro. We drove on the famous road featured in “Casino Royale” to get to the Bay of Kotor, and our driver told us every Montenegrin hated the movie because shooting shut down this very important road for people who actually had to use it. Stupid Hollywood! The Bay of Kotor is so nice to drive around. Then we spent about an hour touring the nice little town of Kotor, during which I hit my head so badly that I thought I had internal bleeding, so that kind of colored my experience. I think it was the concierge at Hotel Vardar who helped me and got me medicine and ice, so shout out to her! Thanks for saving me! After Kotor,  we played on the (painfully pebbly!) beach of Budva. Such fun times! 

    And on the way back to Dubrovnik, we got to take a ferry! I don’t know why that’s so exciting!
    Our group included about 7 people, including two couples on their honeymoon. Everyone was pretty cool! We ate lunch together in Budva, where most restaurants have the ubiquitous ‘vegetarian platter’ of cooked nightshades. 

     Once back in Dubrovnik, we were lucky enough to catch an outdoor performance of the opera Cosi Fan Tutte, as part of the Dubrovnik Summer Festival. What a wonderful show! I love opera, and I love seeing it in other countries. This festival performance was lovely. The cast was really talented, and I thought it was a solid production, especially given the difficulties of performing an opera at night outside! If you are thinking of going to Dubrovnik during the summer, go during the festival!     
     If you’ve looked into a visit to Dubrovnik at all, you’ve probably learned that renting apartments, rather than booking hotel rooms, is the way to go. There’s a big fancy Hilton outside the main gate, but staying in the Old Town is so much more convenient and fun. We stayed in the lovely and well located Amoret Apartments, in every guide book, located near the Cathedral. It was a very nice, but I have reservations about recommending it, because the woman who runs it is kind of a lunatic. She was well aware of our expected arrival time, and we planned to meet then so we could get the keys from her, but still we had to wait nearly an hour in the hot sun, standing in front of the Cathedral with our luggage. At one point, I asked a waiter at a nearby restaurant if I could use the bathroom. I explained that we were to be staying in an apartment just above us, but the woman was keeping us waiting. He asked, “Oh, you mean Branka?” and I said, “Yes! That’s her. You know her?” He replied, “Unfortunately”, and pointed me to the bathroom. I mean, it was too late to do anything about it, but dayyyyum. We wasted a few more hours over the weekend waiting for her for various reasons, so if your time is precious to you, I recommend you go elsewhere.
    However, I do recommend that you stay somewhere in the Old Town, because it’s so convenient and because crazy random things happen at night, like this acrobatic troupe performing on our corner!

     And in the mornings, a market pops up near the Cathedral, with fresh produce, delicious candied nuts and other goodies, and lots of souvenirs. Those candied nuts were so good. Unfortunately, I ate all of mine way too quickly. (And they were supposed to be gifts, too.)
     As the city is so touristy, the food can be really overpriced for the quality you get. But I did eat at two commendable restaurants, Moskar Konoba and, of course, Nishta, the only vegetarian restaurant. 

     Most people focus an entire trip to the region on the Dalmatian coast, and with good reason. I’m so glad this trip allowed me to experience the rich history inland and in Bosnia and Montenegro, but Dubrovnik was a fantastic place to end. I’ll definitely need to return so I can see the islands, Split, and Plitvice lakes.