"Big Fish" on Broadway: So Much Promise, Not Enough Sparkby Randi / October 24, 2013 Welcome to the first installment in my “Challenge Accepted” series, inspired by Barney on “How I Met Your Mother” but having literally nothing to do with the show! Today’s post answers the request of my friend Sari, who asked for a way to make amazing Rice Krispie-like treats without marshmallows. You could sub a vegan marshmallow, such as Dandies or Sweet N’ Sara, into the standard recipe, but a) that gets freal expensive b) that’s not very exciting! So, a treaty crisped rice treat using other ingredients??
Stirring shit into melted chocolate, as I do
One of my favorite things to do, as faithful readers might have realized, is to melt chocolate with a nut butter or Speculoos (or both) and stir shit into it. It’s a foolproof, always delicious, and extremely versatile method of cookery. So, it makes perfect sense to use this as the basis for this creation!
When making Rice Krispie treats, the important thing is to make some kind of glue to hold the cereal together. Melted marshmallows do this very well, we know. But do you know what else can make a great gluey substance? Nut butters melted with liquid sweetener. Once you get this basic aspect down, you can play with it in all kinds of ways depending on what you’re in the mood for, or even just what you have on hand. No brown rice syrup? Agave or maple syrup will work! No cashew butter? Peanut butter, Speculoos, almond butter, hazelnut butter…you pretty much can’t go wrong with substitutes. In fact, I would have gone with cashew butter when making these, but I’m all out, hence today’s treats are peanut buttery. I also decided to make them chocolatey, because when you have the option of chocotizing something, you take it.
This recipe is a rough guide of what I did today, rough because you can really do whatever you want in terms of ingredients and amounts and it’ll probably be delicious. I used a mix of all 3 types of sweeteners, but it will work with just one (though all agave might be too sweet). I was also just using peanut butter, but then halfway through I smacked my head and said “What are you doing!” and added some Speculoos. Because duh.
When making Rice Krispie treats, the important thing is to make some kind of glue to hold the cereal together. Melted marshmallows do this very well, we know. But do you know what else can make a great gluey substance? Nut butters melted with liquid sweetener. Once you get this basic aspect down, you can play with it in all kinds of ways depending on what you’re in the mood for, or even just what you have on hand. No brown rice syrup? Agave or maple syrup will work! No cashew butter? Peanut butter, Speculoos, almond butter, hazelnut butter…you pretty much can’t go wrong with substitutes. In fact, I would have gone with cashew butter when making these, but I’m all out, hence today’s treats are peanut buttery. I also decided to make them chocolatey, because when you have the option of chocotizing something, you take it.
This recipe is a rough guide of what I did today, rough because you can really do whatever you want in terms of ingredients and amounts and it’ll probably be delicious. I used a mix of all 3 types of sweeteners, but it will work with just one (though all agave might be too sweet). I was also just using peanut butter, but then halfway through I smacked my head and said “What are you doing!” and added some Speculoos. Because duh.
Our ingredients
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MARSHMALLOW-LESS RICE KRISPIE TREATS
Ingredients:
Directions:
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 See the sugar stream? Fun!  Mix the cereal into the gooeyness |
Still warm; I am a child
If you want a more traditional treat, forego the chocolate and swap cashew butter for the peanut butter, and you’ll have a milder base flavor that is more akin to what you are used it. Next time I have cashew butter on hand, I’ll make it that way. But using peanut butter and chocolate is never a wrong move. I hope you enjoy it no matter what combination of ingredients you use. And now we all can see that marshmallow-less can mean delicious, and not just, sadly, ‘without Marshall “Marshmallow” Errickson’, as I am. Thanks Sari!
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Celebrate Good(?) Times Come On: Babka for Yom Kippur
My piece!
Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, is the most sacred and important of all the Jewish holidays. You fast from sundown to sundown (so, a day) and pray, repent, atone, and hope that your past sins are forgiven. And then, if you are like 99% of Jews, you and your relatives break the fast with a smoked fish and lox platter from the local Jewish deli. So, to recap what we’ve learned the past few weeks, Rosh Hashanah:apples::Yom Kippur:bagels.
The bagel part is fine, but the huge platter of fish, not so much. I’ll usually make a hummus or two to add to the mix, and some kind of dessert. This year, I decided to up my game in the dessert area and finally make a recipe I’ve literally had saved for 3 years – VeganDad’s chocolate cinnamon babka. I mean, you don’t get any more Jewish than babka. Why haven’t I made this until now, I wondered? Everyone loves a babka! And chocolate and cinnamon combines the best types. Remember when Jerry & Elaine lost the famous chocolate babka?
The bagel part is fine, but the huge platter of fish, not so much. I’ll usually make a hummus or two to add to the mix, and some kind of dessert. This year, I decided to up my game in the dessert area and finally make a recipe I’ve literally had saved for 3 years – VeganDad’s chocolate cinnamon babka. I mean, you don’t get any more Jewish than babka. Why haven’t I made this until now, I wondered? Everyone loves a babka! And chocolate and cinnamon combines the best types. Remember when Jerry & Elaine lost the famous chocolate babka?
Poor customers of that bakery, having to choose between chocolate and cinnamon. As Joey Tribbiani, my usual source of inspiration, would say, “Put those hands together!”* Let’s do it!
Yeahh this yeast is jumping now!
Then I creamed sugar and Earth Balance (which I didn’t really measure; I just spooned it 6 times and figured it was close to 6 tablespoons), added yogurt, vanilla, the yeast, and then the flour. So, the recipe calls for 15 oz. of flour, which is basically 2 cups, right? I had to use nearly 5 cups and it was still sticky. With only 15 oz., it was pretty liquidy. Maybe I did something wrong, we’ll see. This is all very dramatic.
Then I kneaded kneaded kneeeeaded, ‘cleaned’ the mixing bowl, oiled it, and dropped the ball o’ dough in there. It says to let it sit, covered, for 2 hours, but I was out for 4. I returned to find it puffing nicely in the bowl. 
The best stuff on earth
So, next you roll this up length-wise, as tightly as you can. This is where I not only had trouble but didn’t read the instructions properly. I rolled pretty well (it’s a lot of dough here), but then you are supposed to cut it in half length-wise. Like, exposing chocolate. I cut it in half width-wise, creating two little stumpy arms. Oh well, it’ll taste the same (if you close your eyes*) no matter how you do it.
My stumpy twist
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I strayed from the recipe somewhat, as I am wont to do, so I’ll splain what I did. I started by warming up some almond milk and adding the yeast. (The recipe calls for 2T of instant yeast, but I had only the packets that are like 2 1/4 t or something. Whatever…we’ll see what happens.) But it didn’t get foamy! I was freaking out. Was it because I used almond milk instead of soy, as the directions said? Was it because my milk was unsweetened? Ahhh! Being somewhat yeast-fearing, I threw it out and started again. This time, I used warm water instead. I have only ever testfoamed yeast + water + sugar, so I stuck with what I know, and it properly Hulked out.
Punch punch punch!
Next, I made the filling. You melt chocolate, margarine, and cinnamon together, then spread it on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet and stick it in the fridge till firm. Once it is firm, roll out your dough into a big rectangle, like 2 feet long, a foot and a 1/2 wide, something like that, then place the chocolate layer right on top, in as many pieces as it takes.
Chocolate layer on top of the rolled-out dough
Rolling with the homies
So, because I did it wrong, my roll was short & stout like a teapot. But I kind of preferred it this way. Can you imagine how long it would have been the right way? And this way is more fun to pull apart.
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So, once you twist it, you let it sit and rise again for like 1.5 hours. I knowww. It’s probably worth it though. Important yeasting action happening. You probably want real directions, huh? (I’ll use what I did.)
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INGREDIENTS:
Dough:
Filling:
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DIRECTIONS:
Filling:
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ASSEMBLY:
Roll out your dough into a rectangle, about 2′ x 1.5′. Place the chocolate layer right on top of the dough, finagling to cover the whole square. Then, tightly roll the dough lengthwise. Then, cut it in half lengthwise – so the chocolate insides are exposed. And then twist the two halves together. Let this twist sit for 1.5 hours on a parchment-covered baking sheet. Then, bake for 25 minutes at 350°.
Yes, I am recommending that you cut it lengthwise, and not stumpily like I did. My outside browned really nicely, but it was still nearly raw inside. So, that’s the whole point of the long skinny cut – easier baking. I mean, when my version puffed up into a freaking cube, I knew the inside couldn’t be cooked.
Roll out your dough into a rectangle, about 2′ x 1.5′. Place the chocolate layer right on top of the dough, finagling to cover the whole square. Then, tightly roll the dough lengthwise. Then, cut it in half lengthwise – so the chocolate insides are exposed. And then twist the two halves together. Let this twist sit for 1.5 hours on a parchment-covered baking sheet. Then, bake for 25 minutes at 350°.
Yes, I am recommending that you cut it lengthwise, and not stumpily like I did. My outside browned really nicely, but it was still nearly raw inside. So, that’s the whole point of the long skinny cut – easier baking. I mean, when my version puffed up into a freaking cube, I knew the inside couldn’t be cooked.
That’s a huge bitch
It’s pretty great looking though. And yeah, it is DELICIOUS. I definitely recommend making it. But you’ll have an easier time if you cut it long-ways, and not how I did. I mean, this thing is never going to be done cooking. It is bigger than me. But it’s yummy!
*Remember, guess the source/comment on the things that are starred and you will be entered into my big MoFo giveaway! Details tomorrow!
From this post: What was Joey referring to when he said ‘Put those hands together’? And what is the source of the lyrics above the stumpy twist picture?
Veganizing “Friends”: Dr. Roger’s Oysters & Middle Eastern Couscous
This is how I feel about mushrooms. Also, blog namesake!
Given the name of this website, I can’t believe it has taken me this long to make an actual aphrodisiac! Or, at least a vegan version of one. Especially when my font of wisdom, “Friends”, featured the following exchange, in the classic, hilarious episode “The One That Could Have Been”, between Monica and her alternate-reality-insanely-boring boyfriend-who-talks-about-hazelnuts-not-really-being-nuts*, Dr. Roger:
Monica: I hope you’re hungry. We’re starting with oysters. And y’know what they say about oysters, don’t you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Dr. Roger: What people?
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Dr. Roger: So oysters, huh?
Monica: And then we’re gonna have a little Middle Eastern couscous. Something we can eat…with our hands.
Dr. Roger: Y’know, it’s funny, but when we were studying communicable diseases…
Monica: No-no-no, no! It’s sensual!
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didn’t know! Okay!
Yeah! We’re going to make oysters (the mushroom kind!) and Middle Eastern couscous! And we’re going to eat with our hands…maybe. Nah, probably not.
So, in case you haven’t seen it, “The One That Could Have Been” shows what the gang might be like if Ross and Carol were still married, if Monica were still fat, if Chandler had had the nerve to quit his job*, if Phoebe had taken the job at Merrill Lynch, if Rachel had married Barry, and if Joey never got fired from ‘Days of Our Lives’*. It’s absolutely hysterical, but also sweet because (spoiler!) they all end up roughly the same as they are in reality. Aw, fate.
Anyway, Monica is dating Dr. Roger, and she’s wondering whether she “should, ya know, give him [her] flower.” She makes him this dinner of oysters and couscous in a failed attempt to seduce him. Luckily, Chandler saves the day. Could Chandler BE any greater in this episode? (“They didn’t add the second ‘cous’ until 1979.”)
Because we are talking about “The One That Could Have Been”, I have all the motivation I need to share one of my all-time favorite “Friends” moments, which happened to occur during this episode. It’s Fat Monica’s epic, and I mean EPIC, Dance with the Donut.
Anyway, Monica is dating Dr. Roger, and she’s wondering whether she “should, ya know, give him [her] flower.” She makes him this dinner of oysters and couscous in a failed attempt to seduce him. Luckily, Chandler saves the day. Could Chandler BE any greater in this episode? (“They didn’t add the second ‘cous’ until 1979.”)
Because we are talking about “The One That Could Have Been”, I have all the motivation I need to share one of my all-time favorite “Friends” moments, which happened to occur during this episode. It’s Fat Monica’s epic, and I mean EPIC, Dance with the Donut.
I really cannot handle how perfect Courteney Cox is in this scene, and as Fat Monica in general. She makes the best faces, and I love when her voice gets squeaky, like when she hilarious yells “I KNOW!” And although when faced with all other supposed humor based on mocking someone’s size, I vehemently oppose the fat-shaming or sizeist attitudes at play, something about Fat Monica makes me lose track of my moral compass and just laugh. I’m a terrible person. Let’s make some food.
First, we will marinate and then saute the oyster mushrooms. While I like the flavor imparted by baking mushrooms, oysters cook fairly quickly, and you don’t want them to get rubbery, so we’re going to saute today. Then, we will make my take on a somewhat Middle Eastern couscous. Most such recipes will have dried fruit, but I despise dried fruit in savory food. (Actually, just in food period, because what sweet dishes have dried fruit, fruitcake? Gross.)
First, we will marinate and then saute the oyster mushrooms. While I like the flavor imparted by baking mushrooms, oysters cook fairly quickly, and you don’t want them to get rubbery, so we’re going to saute today. Then, we will make my take on a somewhat Middle Eastern couscous. Most such recipes will have dried fruit, but I despise dried fruit in savory food. (Actually, just in food period, because what sweet dishes have dried fruit, fruitcake? Gross.)
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SAUTEED OYSTER MUSHROOMS
Ingredients:
For the marinade:
The mushrooms marinating. Yeah, I couldn’t find plain oysters so I have a mix here |
Directions:
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MIDDLE EASTERN COUSCOUS
Ingredients:
The carrots, squash, and almonds cooking |
Directions:
Finished couscous |
This was pretty darn yummy! I hope it turns out well for you if you decide to make it. And remember, if you are ever in a bad mood, just watch Monica dancing again.
Giveaway trivia:
- “The hazelnut’s actually not a nut, it’s a seed. Can anyone name a well-known seed that’s been masquerading around as a nut?”
- What did Rachel say was Chandler’s job during the epic trivia game?
- Why DID Joey get fired from ‘DOOL’?
