Good Morning Baltimore!! Every Day’s Like An Open Door!

WHO DAT!

My boyfriend I mean my fiance I mean my husband! and I finally made it to New Orleans! As some of you know, we were supposed to go to the Big Easy Apple Patch in January, but that ridiculously crazy ice storm back in January 2014 that destroyed Atlanta and Mississippi also closed all roads leading into NOLA. Here’s a really scary picture we took as we “drove” (slowly glided) through the streets of ice in Brookhaven, Mississippi as we tried to find shelter. Petrifying.

So that trip didn’t happen, but then we decided to get married so we could go to New Orleans for a mini honeymoon/’wee agavemoon’! Yay!!! I got scared that maybe the universe didn’t want us to ever get there, especially after we had a flight delay, but we got there and we loved it SO HAH UNIVERSE.

Our mini honeymoon in New Orleans started off kind of hilariously (mostly awfully) as we laughed at this sign in the cab (at right). Like…did you have to specify that it’s a crime to kill a cab driver? Do the type of people who normally go to New Orleans not realize that cab drivers are people too, and that killing anyone is wrong? I don’t know why but we found this hilarious. Also, we loved the “may be first degree murder”, not “is first degree murder”, because of course, what if the cab driver attacks and you retaliate in self-defense? Or like if he is driving while sleeping with your wife so it’s heat-of-passion manslaughter? Likely story. 

Anyway! We had scoured TripAdvisor for the past few months to make sure that our hotel choice, the Bourbon Orleans right in the heart of the French Quarter, was a good one. It seemed like a good fit: perfect location, had a pool (that we didn’t use), room looked swanky. And, the most important, it had water and unsweetened tea dispensers in the lobby all day and night!

So we got there hours after check-in time, but our room wasn’t ready. The not-so-nice lady didn’t even apologize or give a reason, just said it wasn’t ready. So we waited, but after about 35 minutes, I was steaming. I went up to the desk, talked to a man and said UMMM WHADDAFOCK? (effectively) He apologized and then looked down at his computer while I was standing there and I was thinking like…um…do I leave now? But then he looked up and said he found us a different room that was ready, that we could have for no extra charge “if we wanted” – a TWO-FLOOR suite with an enormous corner balcony overlooking the famous St. Louis cathedral. I mean, hot damn. Yes please.

One night, after we ate two dinners (which you can read about tomorrow in the New Orleans food guide!), we walked through the old towne (with an ‘e’ obviously) and wandered into one of the many hot sauce & praline shoppes (with a ‘pe’ obviously). This store had hundreds of hot sauce bottles set up for testing, along with baskets of chips. I casually tried a couple, not really looking at the bottles or reading signs, mostly because I love tortilla chips (I hate potato chips but corn chips? Gimme I got it). Ya know, just casual, eating some chips…and then I started feeling like my body was imploding. I looked down to see if I was still in one piece or if somehow my abdomen had been disappeared,  and then I looked up and around with eyes wide with fear. Whatttttt waaaaaaassssssssss happeningggggggggg tooooo meeeeeeeeeeee! This man about my age came up to me and asked, “Hey…um…which one did you have?” I pointed to the green bottle in the back and only then did I realize that it had WAIVER FORMS in front of it.

It was the NAGA JOLOKIA, aka the Ghost Pepper, aka the Bhutan poison chili aka the hottest pepper not only in the store but ON EARTH! And I just ate it because I like chips! I mean. Wow. Husband was like WHAT THE HELL OMG HAHAHAHA. And then it started pouring rain and even though I was wearing a white dress I dawdled outside with my mouth open. Before that point in my life, I had never cried without producing tears or moving my face, but somehow, that night, I did. 

We strolled a bit so I could regain consciousness, but strolling around aimlessly is the best thing to do in a new city anyway! You get a feel for it – and you learn how to get to your hotel. Once I recovered, we went to CVS for some supplies and saw this hilarious lineup of goods:

AMERICA.

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One early ass morning, we took a National Park Service walking tour that mostly shared information about NOLA’s birth and early development. I love taking walking tours to show you a different part of the city that you may not have discovered yet, and of course to learn! (Of course I don’t really remember what I learned, except that they lied a bunch to get people to move there.) I highly suggest taking this free walking tour, but get there early as they do cap the group at around 10 people (so fance). We had trouble finding the right meeting spot – there are six sites of the Jean Lafitte National Historical Park (everything in this region is called Lafitte because he was a pirate and New Orleans loves Johnny Depp). The right spot to meet is 419 Decatur St. 

 After that, we checked out the inside of the St. Louis Cathedral instead of just looking at it from our sick balcony. It was a lovely church but the view from the outside, with its fantastic green space in front, is better. I mean once you’ve seen the Vatican you are kind of ruined for regular churches. 

One night, way past my bedtime, we made our way to the well-known and awesome bar d.b.a. to see the well-known and AWESOME Glen David Andrews band. Oh man was this guy an entertainer extraordinaire! First of all, the bar itself was a superb venue (at least compared to where we were the following night). It seemed clean for a bar, it was roomy, and it had quite a sophisticated bar menu. Second, Glen was such a fun, crazy guy, and he works his ass off to entertain you. We are still laughing because the band performed the most hilarious songs – one about how they would ‘make that mo***f****’ shake (that mofo in question? The headboard), a lotttt about his ex-wife, who is apparently the worrrrrst, and best of all, my favorite thing to come out of NOLA, my favorite new song of the summer – one that went “I will I will I will I will I will MELT YO ASS LIKE BUTTER!” oh my god we were dying, and singing that nonstop for the following…eternity. 

The saxophone player was the most impressive I’ve ever seen, not that I’ve ever really paid attention to the instrument before, no matter how hard Duke Silver tries to sway me. Every bit he played felt like a spotlight solo. Just a fantastic performance that made me forget how late I was up. This was the musical highlight of my week, and the cover was only $5! If you are ever in NOLA, I am pretty sure that Glen and his band play at d.b.a. every Monday. 

The second night (we saw music every day!) we went closer to the West Bank (not that one) for the Maple Leaf Bar, a very Tulane kids bar, for a concert by Grammy-winning brass band Rebirth. They play big, loud, jazzy…brass band music, which is like paying to see a live headache. They are very talented and good but it is not my cup of tea. However, I may have been biased because the crowd was from hell. I hate college kids. Oh my god. I hated college kids when I was one. This was like a room full of every awful stereotype, so much drinking and pushing and shoving and being dumb. Ugh! I wish I had a mirror for them that showed their future selves looking reproachfully at them, in order to make them take stock of their shitty behavior. The best part about this show, however, was that famous NOLA artist Frenchy, with a canvas set up right behind where I was standing, was documenting the scene in a crazy cool painting that he will probably sell for many thousands of dollars while an angel sings “Beauty School Dropout” to him. 

Another night, we took the ferry (yay ferry!) across the Mississippi River to Algiers Point to see the Iguanas play, plus a special guest I’m sorry I can’t remember. They were decent entertainment, but the real draw was the location itself. Algiers Point is a big open spot of land that every Wednesday hosts pretty much the entire local community, with lots of food trucks and drinks tables set up. It really seemed like every local was there, with entire families and babies and so many dogs! There was such a good communal vibe and a friendly relaxed atmosphere, with everyone sitting on chairs or blankets they brought. 

Our last night we went to the very famous Lafitte’s, where only candles are used for light in the entire place (no electrical lights, hence no pictures came out!). This old-fashioned décor creates a dreamy relaxed vibe (or maybe the darkness just made me tired). A pianist played right near our table, and she was pretty great to listen to, if not for her vocal health (you can still smoke in bars here, I think she has inhaled too much secondary smoke) then at least for her song selection. It’s definitely a must, not only for this atmosphere, but because they are the famous makers of the Hurricane, New Orlean’s most famous alcoholic concoction. Lafitte’s isn’t the original creator of the Hurricane but it is supposedly the perfecter. I can’t say because it tasted like alcohol. It’s a potent mix of rum and syrup, grenadine, or fruit juice. Some kind of highly concentrated sugar. We shared one and I stomached maybe 4 sips. My favorite thing at Lafitte’s though was our friend’s PURPLE DRANK. Oh my god Purple Drank is the most hilarious thing ever. It is a frozen…purple drink… that tastes EXACTLY like Dimetapp. Did you take Dimetapp when you were sick as a kid? It’s like grape flavored but in the artificial way that is really more purple than grape? Well, Purple Drank is like a Dimetapp slushee. It’s HILARIOUS. I’m not exaggerating when I say it was exactly like the cough medicine. Oh my goodness it’s so funny. If I didn’t know better, I would say that each drank is a bottle of Dimetapp blended with ice. I mean it could be, I don’t know better. 

     On our last full day in NOLA, we stole a car and drove about an hour out of town to take a boat tour on the bayou. We went with Jean Lafitte’s Swamp Tours. (We originally had booked a time with Honey Island Tours, but we weren’t going to make it so we called to cancel our booking – three hours before the time – yet they still charged our credit card for it. Not cool bitches.) It was fun to see all the alligators – so many! – but the tour guide was not my fave. (He talked a lot about hunting and other not nice things.) But, a bayou tour is still a definite if you have the time. It took about 2 hours. It’s cool to see all the wildlife in the area. And, funnily enough, on our tour we passed a good amount of set pieces from “NCIS: New Orleans”, which we also saw filming outside our hotel one day! We didn’t see any famous people, but we did see one of their like male-top-half mannequin bodies floating in the bayou. Now that was kind of freaky at first, to say the least. 

          After the boat tour, we drove another hour and change to Laura Plantation. Originally, I felt weird to be touring a site of so much torture and suffering, but we chose Laura because reviews said they devote at least half the time to talking honestly about slavery. So, like all terrible historic sites, it was a great learning experience and it felt important to see. Our tour guide was really likeable and knowledgeable, and she struck the proper tone, sharing serious information but having everyone enjoy their visit. We learned about the owning family, and how some of them seemed like good people but then some were truly truly evil. We walked around slave quarters and were told that, despite all the wars and the fighting, the plantation was still operating almost exactly as it was in the 1800s – until 1977. How is that even possible? That is so disturbing and soul-crushing. What the hell. We also learned that despite the result of the Civil War and subsequent legislation, nothing really changed on any plantation. Oh man. I don’t even have words. How is this shit even possible? Ughh people STOP BEING RACIST. It’s shattering to realize that people who still perpetrate racist criminal activity are never really punished themselves. The tragedy and subsequent activity in Ferguson was happening while we were here, and it really brought to light how much work still has to be done. Those cops, probably all of them and all of their superiors, should be in jail for what they did and continue to do. But probably nothing will happen to them. It’s a terribly shitty world and we have to do what we can to make it better, as much as we can. So be nice to people, go vegan, &c. 

ANYWAY, there were some bright spots on the tour, including the fact that the stories of Bre’r Rabbit came from this plantation, from the slaves who created the stories to entertain and teach the children. They also had these SUPER ridiculous books in the gift shop. I still can’t get over them:

Seriously, do you see how creepy this kid’s face is in the Kiss me I’m Cajun tee? THIS IS THE COVER OF A COOKBOOK FFS!  And the devil costume! I can’t even. 

Down the road from Laura is the plantation used to film “12 Years A Slave”! How crazy! It wasn’t open for visitation before the movie, but now it is. We drove by and took a picture. 

New Orleans is a really fun place to visit. Bourbon Street is full of debauchery and drunken naked people even at 10am. But when you get away from those few blocks, the city has so much great culture, art, music, and of course food – which we will cover the rest of this week! – to offer. The last place we visited was the famous Saint Louis Cemetery, which is filled with interesting stories, from voodoo queens to Nicholas Cage. That’s right, the actor Nicholas Cage built himself a tomb a few years ago in this cemetery because he loves New Orleans and wants to be buried there. How creepy is that!!! I leave you with his tomb, which has a plaque covered in actual lipstick kisses.

​After our time in Shanghai, we decided to make a stop at a nearby water town before heading to another big city, Hangzhou. Water towns are these tiny traditional villages on canals and what nots that are supposed to provide a charming break from big cities. Nanxun, though little known, is supposed to be the most beautiful water town. It’s touristed by Chinese domestic travelers, but not very visited by Westerners. In fact, it’s not even in our 1000-page guidebook. But the few things we saw online about it tempted us to give it a shot. And thank goodness we did, because Nanxun is the most beautiful village maybe in all of China. Now I haven’t seen all of China yet, but Nanxun is special enough that I would bet on it. If you can get there, you must. I really loved everything about it.  

​You’re gonna have to take my word for it, though. Not that I don’t have pictures – oh I took more pictures of this beautiful place than anywhere else – to prove it, but just that you can’t verify it with other non-Chinese travelers you know, because I actually don’t think more than five have gone. After our time in the big cities of Beijing and Shanghai, going straight to Nanxun was a rude awakening in terms of anyone knowing English. First of all, we didn’t see a white person from the time we left the Astor House Hotel lobby in Shanghai until we got to Hangzhou, the next destination. And I don’t think anyone in Nanxun had seen a white person in a very long time. In fact, our hotel in Nanxun only had one online review in English, and it was from people who went there in April and said the staff told them they were their very first Western guests. I imagine that means we were the second. How cool is that!

When we got out of the car after the 2 1/2 hours or so drive from Shanghai (we just hired a car, it was easier than figuring out various buses can you imagine? outside cities?), we were surprised to see that the ‘hostel’ we booked on the main road, Nanxun Xunyi Jingdian Hostel, right outside the entry to the Old Town section, was a beautiful boutique hotel. They just don’t know what the word hostel means, I think, because this was a hotel if there ever was one. In fact, it was one of the most beautiful hotels I’ve seen. Everything was gorgeous, and the room was sublime. Spacious, airy, and comfortable while still looking like a traditional Chinese place, with a beautiful bathroom, giant clean lovely bed, strong air conditioning, two of the fluffiest robes you’ve ever seen in the closet, two water bottles, and room-specific wifi – can you believe it? So it was the strongest yet. And cheap enough that we assumed it was indeed a hostel, before we saw it. God I loved this place! 

​So, the staff was wonderful – and they didn’t speak a word of English. We communicated back and forth solely via Google Translate, which, if you’ve ever used it, you know is never reliable and in Chinese is often hysterically mistaken. The owner’s phone kept saying ‘daughter-in-law’ to us. “The daughter-in-law is good and the right sort of money. You will find a good daughter-in-law there it’s close to the daughter-in-law and there will be a daughter-in-law.” We just nodded. Oh and the very first thing he had his phone say to us while checking in was, “Are you traveling here?” Um……sure???? Right? Isn’t that…obvious… It was so funny but everything was sorted and great. The fact that dealing with their friendly staff solely via phone apps went 100x more smoothly than dealing with English-speaking staff at the Astor House shows what a better place this was – and for a lot less money. God I loved this place. 

Also, the info booklet in the room was amazing, and it did have English – though not very decipherable English. Yes I do want to continue to live! Tell me what to do! Also no wonder our credit card didn’t work – it was not any of those flowers or magical animals, but a regular credit card indeed. Shucks. 

​After we basked in the delight of a perfect hotel room, we meandered down the block to the Old Town entrance. So Nanxun is a regular small town with a main street and other streets, and the actual old traditional water town part is set back, preserved, and requires an entrance ticket. I was a little surprised and taken aback that the ‘town’ we came to see was ticketed, but it was only 100 yuan (like $15 maybe?) and doing this, I realized, helps preserve the beautiful area and keep it from being built up or modernized or ruined in some way. So, good idea, town. 

The sights inside the water town part – like various houses, museums, gardens – close at 5pm, and it was already after 4pm when we arrived, so we weren’t able to do that then. But a kindly guide person told us that at 5pm, when the inside sights close, the grounds are still open and free! So we spent the evening walking around and taking most of our grounds pictures of all the canals and bridges and buildings and boats and it was so flipping beautiful. It’s so lovely 

​We also got a chance to scope out the things we really wanted to prioritize when we returned for the ticketed parts the next morning. Like the Lotus Garden, which had the biggest lotuses I’ve ever seen.

It was so cool! We also went to a few of the small museums the next day, most of which were fine if not as interesting as the scenery (and not in English). In one, a family asked Z for his picture and then to take pictures with him, the whole family. They didn’t even look at me. After they did their photoshoot, I heard the woman say about Z “Beautiful”. It was weird. But, anyway, they didn’t want my picture so f them. 

​Taking a boat ride seemed like the thing to do along the canals, Venezia-style, but it was so hot and sunny that sitting still with no shade and not going fast enough for wind seemed like a bad idea. I’m glad we decided to just walk around in the splendor and peace. 

​Well, the free evening time was peaceful. The next day was PACKED with busloads of Chinese tourists. I forgot that this country was so gigantic that more than a billion Chinese people would still be tourists here. Not all of them were there that day, probably just a million. No it wasn’t that bad, really. Nothing could ruin this little visit for us. It was so perfect. 

Inside the old town, there are plenty of shops, selling all kinds of things like fruit teas, weird juices, nut brittles, and lots and lots of Chinese food (tip: it’s just called food here). There was an adorable cat themed cafe that had a real cat inside and an English menu of drinks. I had this delicious watermelon tea drink. We went there both days I think. We needed a lot of cold drinks in that heat. 

​We were lucky to get to see the old town all quiet and full of locals in the evening, and then boisterous and full of tourists the next. Also, we got to take tons of pictures in different light. Damn we took a lot. Can you blame us? 

​The best part of Nanxun, well, of course was how beautiful and charming it was. But the second best part was the signage. There are ample signs around the whole old town, and the English translations were INCREDIBLE. I would expect nothing less. 

I would love if a Chinese speaker could translate for us and tell us what they were going for. Can you imagine if these were actually accurate and the sign makers are simply hippies or high, maybe? We were smiling all day. 

​So, if you have time, a visit to Nanxun is essential. It’s important to see a traditional water town to have a well-rounded view of China. But also, it’s so freaking gorgeous, and, coming from Shanghai especially, seems very calm and relaxed. It was like we had chanced upon a secret they had kindly shared with us.

​Out in the main part of town, things were more like a normal Chinese city, just small. Everyone stared at us, because we were the only non-Chinese people in town like I said, and probably the first in a while. No one spoke English. NO ONE. I’m not complaining, it’s just crazy to find a place where people don’t even know yes and no and good and stuff. It’s a good reminder not to get too complacent, considering how amazing it is that the common language between all travelers is English. (We would witness Japanese tourists speaking with Spanish tourists in Russia and you know what they speak? English. Sub in literally any other country in either of those three spots and the answer was always English. We are so lucky.) But we can’t rest on our imperialist laurels here! Well, everyone knows ‘hello’ at least. In fact, they shout ‘hello hello’ at us every second of the day, but that is standard practice in China. According to a book Z is reading, sometimes Chinese people refer to two white people as ‘two hellos’. It’s not a friendly hello when they shout it at us from the street. But aside from the shouting, people were friendly despite the language barrier. We had two hilarious interactions as we tried to get food and drink. First, we went into a small tea shop for our next required cold drink. They didn’t have English anywhere, and they didn’t know any. Well, the daughter of the owners knew a few words – literally like yes and no – so they kept hoping she would help, but she couldn’t. We used the app to try to read the menu and figured out it was fruit teas. But even with that, it was still so hard to order, but funny. Everyone was laughing, on both sides, as we tried to understand each other enough to proceed. We ordered a peach tea, which sounded good. Z pointed to one his phone said was peach and I held up one finger to signify we wanted one (to share, see if it’s good first!). Finally it seemed like they got it, and they went in the back to  make them. Then they came out with two drinks – one with a half a giant peach in side, pushing out the sides of the plastic, and one yellow one. Apparently, when I held up the one finger, they assumed I was asking for ‘the first one’ in the list, which is a sort of lemonade tea. Oops! Well, better to have two to try! The lemon was way too sweet, but after we drank a little and filled the cup back up with water, it was great. But the peach one was amazing! So if you are in Nanxun go to this little shop and get the peach tea. We ate the peach too, of course. 

​Even funnier was our attempt at finding dinner. Well, it wasn’t ha ha funny at first. We were hungry, and it was impossible to figure out what had vegetarian options when no one spoke English and there weren’t English menus. We didn’t expect those things, but we at least needed a picture menu so we could point to things we wanted. (I have so much newfound appreciation for places with picture menus. No more looking down on them.) But this was a small town and most of the restaurants had menus just scribbled on a board or printed up but without pictures. Finally we found one that had pictures on the wall, but not on a menu. So we gestured towards the wall and asked if we could point to what we wanted. They got it! It was okay! I said the words for ‘vegetarian food’ and pointed at a tofu dish and a few vegetables and he nodded when I asked to make sure ‘vegetarian’. There was no picture of rice but that one is easy enough to get across. We got food! It was good – except the eggplant dish was the Chinese version of vegetarian, meaning it had pork in it. Ughhhhh. More food just for Z. Luckily the greens and the tofu were good and uncontaminated. 

But the best part of this meal was the conversation, again solely via Google Translate and the guy’s phone app for translating. Early, he very frustratedly tried to say something that we just DID NOT understand.  A word apparently in English, but we didn’t get it. He went away, and came back 10 minutes later with a translated statement up on his phone screen “The USA has a place called Las Vegas.” Guy, you’re right and that was totally worth the trouble. 

This happened a lot during the meal, with everyone looking at us and the owner-man coming up every few minutes with his phone queued up with some ridiculous statement. It was amazing. We tried so hard not to laugh every time. But the kicker, oh man, the kicker. At the end, I guess he felt comfortable enough finally in our conversationship to ask us about politics. And not just any politics. but the best political question ever framed. He came up to us, held out his phone, and it read, “Do you support the merchant, president tranp?” We still have bruises from how hard we were kicking each other, trying not to laugh but FAILING MISERABLY. Can you even? The misspelling! The comma! THE MERCHANT! We bring that up every day and still lose our shit laughing. Oh my god. I think we said no but the guy was probably super confused by how hard we were laughing while trying not to. 
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OH man, Nanxun. I love everything about you. 

We were in Nanxun for only 24 hours, but it was one of our fullest visits. The sights were glorious, the hotel was perfection, and the interactions with people were beyond hilarious and adorable. And the signs. My god, the signs. I definitely wholeheartedly recommend a short jaunt here if you are planning to visit Shanghai (2.5 hour drive) or Hangzhou (2 hour drive) – where we headed next.