Valletta, Malta: I Didn’t See One Maltese Dog But It Was Still Nice

August 3-4, 2017
Dear little baby infant laptop,

​Don’t go to Shangrao. 

Just don’t do anything that would make you have to go through it or near it or involving it. 

I will forever feel guilty that I insisted on adding Huangshan to our itinerary because well ffs it’s one of the top five sights in all of China. But because the weather for our climb was so horrendous, it was kind of a waste. And because of that wasted visit, we had to get a train from Huangshan to Guilin – but the only route featured a 4 hour layover in Shangrao.

I SAID DON’T DO THAT!

Four hours is a long time in a train station with not much to do. But in a station filled to capacity, where 1000 Chinese men are smoking under No Smoking signs (they are hung ironically in this country) and the bathrooms are worse than an ashtray, it’s hell. 

We amused ourselves for the first hour by trying to get these crazy Chinese self-heating meals to cook, which was hilarious and actually very tasty for an instant pot meal. The instruction took us half an hour to decipher well enough with Google Translate’s photo option. We were nervous because there are two liquid packs – one for water, which goes with the rice to cook it, and one that goes with the heat pack to make the boiling water – that Google translate identified as ‘FEVER WATER’! So, it’s chemicals! Don’t eat that one!

How it works is, you have two containers, a big and a small, and many vacuum-packed foil containers of food. In the small container, you mix the water, rice, and ‘vegetables’ (I thought they were spices it was so small) packs. Then you put the lid on that one. Then, in the bigger container, you lay down the heating pad looking thing. Then you have to work fast: On top of the heating pad in the big container, pour the non-water-toxic-chemical liquid, and then quickly but carefully slide the smaller container into it without splashing yourself, then you place the UNOPENED foil pack of the main meal on top of the sealed smaller container, and then you cover the whole shibang with the big container’s lid. 

AND THEN YOU REALIZE YOU FORGOT TO OPEN THE VENT OF THE BIG CONTAINER’S LID. DON’T DO THAT.
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Literally within SECONDS, the entire explosive device we just created puffed out and made teapot sounds because  the toxic liquid-heating pad combo was NO JOKE and it was already boiling, and we forgot to open the top lid’s vent. We hurriedly fumbled to use the spork provided to jab it and luckily jabbed it enough that the whole thing didn’t explode all over the train station. Although, while that would have sucked for us, it would have been good to do to the annoying people around us. Anyway, you wait 15 minutes for it to cook, and literally the entire time there is ample steam coming out of that vent. Food science is AWESOME. I’m so impressed by these meal packs in this country. I prefer the non-threatening kind that just requires boiling water, which the trains (and stations, so far) have, but when you don’t have access to it, these are awesome. And fun.

​After 15 minutes, we tentatively lifted the main lid and lots of steam came out. Then we set the main food pouch aside to cool a little before we tried opening it, and we checked the rice container. The rice cooked! It cooked too much, actually, and was a bit mushy and sticky, but still, pretty cool. We opened the tofu pouch – I got a mapo tofu box that was marked vegetarian (and our Google-translate-phone-scan confirmed, though it also said it contained ‘dry rock net covers’ and ‘whispers’) – and emptied the contents into the rice box and then I ate it and you know what? For an instant pot meal, it was really good! 

​And then, we had three more hours to kill.

Shangrao station was horrendous. We got there from our short first leg train at about 8pm, and our train wasn’t until midnight. The station was covered in No Smoking signs — with men smoking under them at all times. The bathrooms in the station were the smokiest places I’ve ever been in my life, like walking into big ashtrays. I felt like I couldn’t breathe the entire time. First we tried to get away from the main groups of smokers by sitting in an area a little farther away from the main board, but then station staff kicked us out because they close that area at 9pm. So we moved upstairs and had about an hour there before they kicked us out of there because it closes at 10pm! It was ridiculous. So we were forced to sit in the main station area with a thousand smelly smoky people with every seat taken, until our train. You’d think that at this time of night, a station would start emptying. But it just got busier and busier – there were tons of trains all night long. It was the busiest, dirtiest train station ever. And I simply could not breathe, which made me even more tired than I was anyway. I was eager to get on the train and finally go to sleep. 

Hahahaha. 

It was another Chinese train of the old sort, none of that fancy G train (the Beijing to Shanghai leg we took) stuff, but I was okay with that. We’ve had plenty of these sorts of trains, and as long as it wasn’t worse than before it would be fine. 

Guess whaaat, it was so much worse that it was the worst night yet. 

First of all, the train was grosser than any previous one. Dingy, dirty, and jfc the bathrooms. I’ll show you pictures because I just cannot do it justice with words. So gross and wet with things I don’t want us to think about. The beds were dirty, the sheets were stained, the walls were yellowed with age and browned with lack of cleaning in the past decade or so and who knows what else. I keep expecting to find like “Ming was here 1778” scratched into a wall. Our pictures through the windows are just pictures of filth. 

Second of all, it reeked of stale smoke, that awful smell that doesn’t go away. Fresh smoke was of course adding to it, but that awful staleness just would not dissipate. All of our stuff reeks. Fresh smoke you can at least give death stares to the culprit and try to close the source off from your room, but with everything already stale, there’s not much to do.

Next, the bottom bunks don’t lift up for storage like they did on every single other train we took. And the beds are less than a foot off the ground, so we can’t squeeze anything under except our boots. So our huge packs and the strangers’ suitcases are just in the middle of the floor, so we have no floor. Whenever we want to leave the room we have to climb on the two bottom bunks and jump out to the doorway. It’s a f-ing travesty. 

But worst of all. Jesus Christ China. Worst of all, the two other beds in our cabin are occupied by two women, and each of them has a CHILD. So because no one gives a shit about laws here, we are six people in this tiny room, us two, two Chinese women, and two children, about 2 years old and maybe 5 years old. When we came in at midnight, exhausted, they were sleeping in the two bottom bunks – meaning, someone was sleeping in my bed. Even though they had paid for tickets for one bottom and one top. We couldn’t get into the room to put our bags anywhere (we didn’t realize that they didn’t fit underneath/that the bottoms didn’t lift up yet) because their giant suitcase and all the kids’ shoes and crap were all over the floor. We had to wake them up. One of the attendants came by to see why we were still standing outside the room and we tried to explain that someone was in my bed. Someone’s been sleeping in myyy bed. She woke up the woman and child and asked them to move up top. Instead of doing that, they all kind of just stood there for 15 minutes. Meanwhile the young woman was sleeping and kept motioning to turn the light off. Like f you lady you’re tired? We are too! Maybe you should have taken the correct beds instead of just planning to make people with the correct tickets move. In retrospect, I feel kind of terrible for making the older lady and the younger child move in the middle of the night, but I think considering I peed during this awful night more than ever because I didn’t sleep, it was better to bother them a lot once than bother them by stepping on them every 45 minutes. ALSO TAKE THE CORRECT SPOT. 

Finally she got out and then got on the top bunk, and the attendant was like, all good? And I was like, dude, no, I’m not sleeping on these dirty sheets that these people were sleeping on! So she gathered them up and put them on top so I could get the “clean” ones down but they were still so disgusting. And there were no sheets, actually, just a pillow and a quilt with a duvet that was not actually on, just kind of a suggestion of a duvet that showed you how disgusting the inside comforter was, and you were supposed to taco yourself inside. 

It took a while to get settled because there was no room to stand by the bed. My bag is just inside the door next to their suitcase, which knocked into me all night. It was so smoky all night that I had to sleep with my pollution mask, which made it even harder to get enough breath so all night I felt like I had someone sitting on my chest preventing me from breathing. The mask at least maybe made the air I was breathing better? I guess? but I couldn’t sleep with it on. I chose maybe preventing some lung cancer over sleep. We really are in the sticks of China now. No more Beijing and Shanghai fanciness and semblance of propriety. Raw China is wild and kind of frightening. 

The children of course got up at 6am or so and were SO F-ING LOUD. And the mother would just respond to them in an equally loud voice. Great job continuing the tradition of ignoring other people and any idea of politeness. They just continued to talk and sing and stuff all morning. And we can’t really do anything because there’s no room to sit. I’m typing this with my knees bent into my chest and the computer on my knees because there’s no other option. I’m like in a small cage with barriers formed by suitcases and child’s toys – three of which, by the way, they just threw directly at me. Kind of hurt. No one said anything. Well I said JESUS F-ING CHRIST but they don’t speak English. 

I was in the sink area brushing my teeth next to a man who spent 10 minutes just hacking into the sink and then blowing his nose into the water stream, like by covering one nostril at a time and just honking into the sink basin. 

This morning we were stopped for like an hour when we weren’t supposed to be so that’s great, even more time in this shithole. I would 100% rather be in a Mongolian ger camp. At least there was fresh air. And space. So much space. Why can’t China and Mongolia share people or land and then Mongolia would have more than 4 people in its big space and then China could let people spread out a little, maybe put their feet on the floor. Has anyone brought this idea to the UN?

These are the most annoying children I’ve ever met. I usually like children. They are screaming all morning and throwing toys around. The older one just had a giant Cup of Noodles, and then five minutes later the mother gave him a giant bento box looking thing of rice and meat and so much food that she bought off someone walking down the carriage, I think. (They don’t offer to sell us anything). He’s like 6 and eating enough food for 3 adult men. He’s going to throw up on me, I just know it. 

I hope Guilin is worth it. Huangshan wasn’t, stupid weather. Just such bad luck! Why are we getting such bad luck? I’m okay rolling with a few things going wrong but this week has been pretty dire. 

I just went to the toilet and was in there for literally 30 seconds and someone banged on the door, like hurry up. I went out and said WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH YOU? It’s kind of freeing not being understood by anyone. But I am losing it. I’m so tired and so angry with these people and the universe for this bad luck. And I’m REALLY sick of everyone on this train staring at us. Everyone keeps walking by our room and stopping to stare, multiple times each. And we can’t shut the door because we all don’t fit with all the luggage with the door closed. So they keep staring. They don’t get a lot of white people out here. It keeps getting worse, the attention, the farther away from the big tourist areas we go. It’s an awful feeling just knowing everyone is staring because you are strange to them. I just want to do whatever I’m going to do and not have to deal with everyone staring. It’s so annoying. 

Okay tiny computer, I’m gonna shut you down and close my eyes until we get to Guilin. Pray. 

After the train from hell ended, I saw a man holding a sign with my name on it outside the station, booked with the guest house we were staying in for our one night in Guilin before we leave in the morning for Yangshuo, the ‘relaxation’ section of our journey. When I tell you that this man was the worst driver in the history of driving, I know you will have trouble believing it, because 90% are drivers are ‘the worst drivers ever’, and 100% of Chinese drivers fit that bill. (The driving situation in China is without question the worst I’ve ever seen. Now I haven’t been to India so I know they will fight this battle out but I think it’s even money to bet on either as being the worst. Is that how betting works I don’t know. Anyway, drivers in China BLOW.) But even despite weeks now of dodging motorbikes when we have the green walk man, and cursing at cars that run through red lights as if they’re supposed to (no one ever gets pulled over, and everyone should), this man put them all to shame. It was supposed to be a 17 minute drive to our hotel. It took 45 minutes, and he didn’t even get us there. 
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First of all, he drove so slowly. Not cautious-slowly, as I tend to do (haha I don’t drive), but like, 10 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone slowly. Dangerous slowly. Despite traffic in the bustling city, there were no cars for like 200 feet in front of us at any point because he was going turtle paced. We got frustrated very quickly and tried saying ‘go faster please for the love of god go faster’ but he didn’t understand. We tried in Chinese but he also didn’t understand. No one understands any Chinese we say. I said the word for toilet 15 different ways to someone yesterday with every possible tone combo and she still didn’t get it. It’s TWO SYLLABLES, you can at least try to GUESS what I’m saying. Anyway, this guy didn’t get it and wasn’t moved by our hand motions to go go go, so it took forever. But then after like 10 minutes, he got into a turn lane that was going into an attraction’s parking lot. We were like, wtf are you doing. We tried to tell him that that clearly wasn’t right, and he didn’t get it. Finally he realized his mistake and had to make a u-turn and go alllll the way back down where we came from and alllll the way back to where we’d been to continue straight and omg we were FLIPPING OUT. Finally, a half hour later, he got us in the neighborhood of our hotel, but that’s it. He had no idea where it actually was, he had never been there before. The hotel sent a driver who had no idea where they were located. We asked him to call the hotel, we said call hotel call hotel and made the talking on a phone hand mime, but instead he called a friend whose call he missed. So we called the hotel, and they apologized and said they would send someone to meet us, they were just a few minutes’ walk away. So we got out of the car and told the idiot driver to piss off, and luckily a woman fetched us outside a building five or so minutes later and walked us to the guest house. It was ridiculous. Also, it wasn’t on that main street like its address says; it is down a little alley and behind the main street a ways so if you didn’t know the place, you wouldn’t find it. They should have told the idiot driver where to go. 

​Luckily, the hotel/guesthouse whatever was lovely. I was very concerned when we were walked down the dirty decrepit alleyway past buildings that were falling apart, but the hotel, the Zen Tea House Traveling With, was perfect. And yes, we booked it just because of that amazing name, so our gamble paid off. TRAVELING WITH. TRAVELING WITH WHAT, GUYS? WITH WHAAAAT? I love it. They were nice and apologetic for the hassle of getting there. We said we weren’t paying for the ride, obviously, and they were like okay sure, so that’s nice we didn’t have to fight for that. They also gave us a box of local candy as an apology later, a black sesame brittle thing which is accidentally vegan and quite good. So I forgive them, I just hate that driver. 

​And the Zen Teahouse Traveling With room was BEAUTIFUL. It was super cheap, like $25 maybe?? And it was nicer than places we’ve paid $150 for in Europe. Just a beautiful, and very zen, room for us to relax. And shower. Oh we showered so good. My hair is so clean. P.S., I need a g-d haircut when we get to a city with a salon with English speakers. It’s TOO MUCH and TOO BIG for this heat and humidity ahhhh. 

Anyway, since we just had that night in Guilin, we didn’t have any touristing on our agenda. Guilin itself, at least the city center, is quite shitty, and the nice things to do are outside of it, like mountains and caves. And when you get there, you might as well be going to Yangshuo for the better, bigger, more famous and important version of those sights, which is what Yangshuo is for. And that’s where we were going the next day, for four full days and nights, so we just did literally nothing for our afternoon and evening in Guilin, and it was great. Just relaxed in that lovely room. I really liked that room. It was clean and simple and set up well for my preferred feng shuiness. 

​Well, of course we had to leave for food. We went to the vegetarian buffet (so many in this country! usually tied to Buddhist temples) at the Nengren Temple complex, about 45 minutes walk away, which was rough in this heat. We were deciding between that one, which opens at 5pm, and the supposedly all vegan one at Tian Fu Lou, which opens at 6pm, and since we were hungry and the Nengren was a tiny bit closer, we went to the earlier one. Guess what. The restaurant was open when we arrived at 5:15pm, but the buffet doesn’t start till 6pm. Thanks, everything on the internet! Ugh. I went to the supermarket and found lots of crackers that all had milk powder (literally everything in this country, from crackers to soy milk, has milk powder added, what gives, I think it’s a conspiracy) and then we just sat in the restaurant and waited. It was worth the wait though! Nothing outstanding among the dishes but solid good food. And lots of it. They had a custom noodle bowl station that I wish I tried but there was just so much. 

We saw some RIDICULOUS advertisements and names for things on our wander. 
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Parts of Guilin were nice, like the view along the river. However, that view only improves as you travel down (up?) the Li river towards Yangshuo, a gorgeous boat ride we would be taking the next day. 

So, at least I got a decent meal out of Guilin, along with a train ride from hell and a car ride from hell. And a perfectly lovely room at the Traveling With, of course. I was sad to leave that room but excited for our next stop, 4 nights in a place that was supposed to be 100x nicer. Spoiler, it wasn’t. But that’s for next time. 

You can be sure that I was singing this (the opening number from Hairspray) the entire time I was in Baltimore. It was stuck in my head the whole time, of course! And now, recapping my whirlwind 24 hours of eating, you can be sure it will stay stuck in my head for another 24 hours.
Baltimore is a pretty fun city. I saw barely any of it, due to the short time frame that was already booked with food stops and long walks around the beautiful Johns Hopkins campus (where boyfriend when to school). But what I did see showed an exciting mixture of big city fun and really frightening big city crime. That’s Baltimore for you!

      Before we get to the food, I want to share a picture of my favorite tree stump ever. Weird thing, right, to have a favorite tree stump? But this is art! Look at this amazingness! On the Hopkins campus, we saw this tree doing Astavakrasana pose, the yoga posture that has eluded me for years. It was like the tree was saying, “Don’t stop trying! Just be stronger!” Thanks, tree. I don’t understand what it’s for or from (no plaque explaining how in the world this exists), so I’m taking it as a personal message.

FIRST UP: THE HELMAND
Eating dinner at The Helmand, the great Afghan restaurant, was a primary reason behind this trip to Baltimore. Owned by Quayum Karzai (brother of Hamid, Iknowright), the restaurant was as authentic as it gets, and as delicious. They have a separate vegetarian menu and a staff knowledgeable about what ‘vegan’ means. With great service, nice ambiance, and fantastic food, The Helmand is now my favorite Afghan restaurant.

     My boyfriend (we gotta think of a code name for him…how about Hawkeye) recalled of his college days that his favorite dish anywhere was The Helmand’s Kaddo Borawni, baked and pan-fried sugared baby pumpkin, served with garlic-yogurt sauce. We obviously had to order it here, with the sauce on the side. I’m pretty sure the sauce is what makes it extraordinary, so mine is not a fair review. However, the plain pumpkin was delicious and cooked perfectly. It also inspired me to make my own, which I will do soon!

     For my entree, the waiter pointed out several things that could be made vegan, and recommended the Dolma Murch. I really appreciate waiter recommendations so I listened, and it was amazing! The dish featured red bell peppers stuffed with seasoned vegetables, beans, and wild rice in a tomato and rhubarb sauce (how cool is that). It was served with challow (Afghan rice), which was fantastic, and a side of sabzy (spinach), which I’m always happy to have. The Dolma Murch was so delicious, comforting but still interesting. I couldn’t really taste the rhubarb in the sauce, but that’s probably for the best, letting it contribute to the flavor instead of overpowering it. I enjoyed this so much!

 NEXT UP: THE BREWER’S ART

Despite being super stuffed after dinner, we went right to Hawkeye’s favorite bar, The Brewer’s Art on Charles Street, for supposedly amazing garlic French fries. I know. We didn’t get dessert; we got post-dinner fries. I can get behind this. The Brewer’s Art was a surprisingly nice, comfortable pub with cushy sofas and clean floors. Can’t ask for more than that in a place serving beer. We got the fries, and I ate much more than I thought I had room for. They were amazing! A bit soggier than they should have been, Hawkeye critiqued, but the flavor was great. Oh man!

MORNING STOP: CUTEST JUICE BAR EVER! 
      Our first stop the next morning was an adorable juice bar I had researched called Grind House. (Like the all-vegan coffeeshop in Philly, Grindcore! Does ‘grind’ mean vegan?) We were (I was) so eager for green juice that we arrived before it opened and waited outside. We had a few minutes to appreciate the too-cute front door and patio furniture:

      You might be wondering why a juice bar has to specify ‘vegetarian’. Well, they also have food! Ready-made seitan salads, hummus wraps, fish fillet sandwiches, this place has so much to offer. I ordered a Sweet Greens juice, made with apple, celery, cucumber, kale, lime, and ginger. It tasted great and, better still, 20 oz. was only about $7. I would go here again if I lived nearby. (Luckily I don’t though. It was a pretty sketchy neighborhood! We had bets going about whether the guy looking in our car the whole time was going to steal it.)

     Guys how good is lunch. I mean really.  We had two lunches in Baltimore, which was lucky because lunch places seemed to be the hippest around. First we went to Carma’s Cafe, a tiny coffeeshop with maybe 4 tables and a small but versatile menu. I was pleased to see upon entering that they had a few vegan options. I mean, this is a college town after all; I shouldn’t have been so surprised! Well, that’s not entirely true. When I first entered, I talked to the girl at the counter about vegan options. She said she wasn’t sure about the sesame noodles because they had peanut butter…I KNOW. Haha. Just when you think everyone knows that peanut butter doesn’t contain dairy butter, you meet another one. Oh lordy.
Anyway, the girl said that there was an addition to the menu: a vegan BLT! Obviously, when a vegan BLT is on the menu, that’s what you get (as long as a tempeh Reuben isn’t also on the menu). I also ordered a side of the sesame noodles just to prove a point.

     The sandwich was very simple but good, and a nice thing to have after a long ride in the car. It was on white bread, which I don’t like, but the choice made sense given the the lightness and old-classic feel of the sandwich. Definitely a good basic light lunch. The sesame noodles, however, proved that one should never order food merely in protest. They weren’t very flavorful at all. I didn’t even taste peanut butter, just a bit of sesame oil. Next time, I’d choose a salad or cup of soup to accompany a sandwich.

LUNCHTIME TREAT #2: ONE WORLD CAFE

One World Cafe was one of those totally college restaurants, you know what I mean? You could tell that undergrads could roll in the morning after heavy partying for a late breakfast, or come in to read with a big latte in the afternoons, or even take their visiting relatives. It was an appropriate place for all of that. I kind of loved it. The food was great, the vegan items were marked as such, and the benches were cushioned and had extra pillows. Win! We were warned (by the internet) that the service was famously awful, but during our weekday lunch we were without complaint.

      The last thing I HAD to do before leaving Baltimore was of course visit one of the coolest bakeries in the entire world – Charm City Cakes! As in, Duff Goldman’s bakery with the only Food Network show I am willing to watch! They make the most incredible works of art, in cake form. I love seeing what crazy masterpieces they are working on. I aspire to one day be able to afford hiring the bakery to make some insane concoction for a special event. Or just for a Sunday. The sign on the door says that they accept walk-ins on Saturdays. So, go on a Saturday so you can discuss your future creation! (They are vegan-friendly, apparently, which is amazing!) One day…

Apart from not being able to meet Duff and his crew, our 24 hours in Baltimore was overall very successful. We had great food, we saw the beautiful Hopkins area of the city, and we didn’t get robbed or kidnapped. All in all, a very nice trip! I would be happy to return (on a Saturday, of course).