Vegan Southern Feast: Sausage Okra Gumbo, Bacon Cornbread, Maple Bourbon Sweet Potatoes, Perfect Brussels Sprouts

     As we’ve studied the eating habits of the Friends over the past few weeks, what is the most important lesson we’ve learned? JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD. Correct! In “The One With The Birth Mother”, in one of my favorite Joey storylines, he dates a woman (Annie Parisse) who does silly things like order plain salads but mooch off of Joey’s dinner. I agree with Joey on this one: Order the food you want to eat! (As long as it’s vegan, obvs.) Anyway, Annie (let’s just call her Annie) doesn’t really understand that it’s weird to take food off of someone else’s plate, at least without asking first. The conflict comes to a hilarious climax with Joey’s seafood platter dinner. He thinks he’s successfully distracted her with extra fries (which he is willing to share), but no such luck:

HAHA Joey at the end of the above video is MY FAVORITE EVER. Anyway! So, as you heard, the following conversation occurred: 

Now, you’re probably thinking, “Hold on, woman. It says ‘stuffed clams’, not ‘fried clams.'” A few points:

1. See his seafood platter plate, with all those little fried somethings? They look clam-sized, not shrimp-sized. (I know you see the actual stuffed clam in the shell later, but he could have had clams a few ways!)
2. What do you think Joey would like better, something stuffed, or something fried? Correct.

So, we’re going to make fried clams. Much better idea, right? Who has food-grade seashells lying around? 

      I generally used the homemade seitan recipe from The PPK blog, because it’s great. I ripped the seitan pieces into long strips, and boiled it in broth with seaweed and dill thrown in. I didn’t have any kombu, so I used nori in the broth. If you have kombu, use that, because the nori isn’t meant for boiling and it disintegrated. Messy seaweed. You can see in the picture, it gets kind of weird. Kombu would impart a stronger flavor anyway. After the strips boiled, I breaded them and baked them. Let’s see!

      Now, with your sauces ready, your strips crunchy and baked (or fried if you are awesome), you can enjoy them on a plate, as Joey did in this episode. ORRR, you can honor Mr. Joseph Francis Tribbiani even more, and make a sandwich! Because what is Joey’s favorite food? Say it with me: Sandwiches!!!

    In sandwich form, I’d definitely recommend tartar sauce and whatever else fried-clams-on-rolls are usually served with up in New England. So good! These were overall really easy to make, and they turned out well. You can play with the breading mixture and add spices as you desire, perhaps some cayenne pepper, curry powder, or, if you are like me, more nooch. Yum! And, let’s say it all together now:

Giveaway trivia!

1. Joey’s favorite food is, of course, sandwiches. But what is his favorite kind of sandwich?
2. In Monica and Chandler’s storyline, they meet a woman at the adoption center who likes them. What does this woman think M & C do for a living?
3. Extra credit: What Pulitzer-prize winning show featured a fantastic Annie Parisse?

During our stay in Funchal, Madeira, the beautiful Portuguese island, we had a fancy dinner one night at the island’s most celebrated restaurant – Il Gallo d’Oro. It has been awarded two Michelin stars and they told me they could arrange for a vegan tasting menu, so we went for it.  Located in The Cliff Bay resort hotel (one of the three PortoBay properties), Il Gallo d’Oro is not only considered the best restaurant on Madeira but it’s also awarded that title for all of Portugal sometimes. So while I knew the food would be great, my vegan expectations were still tempered because these fancy restaurants sometimes just don’t have the experience or knowledge for creating vegan menus that are at the same level as the regular ones. As usual I was right. The food was super lovely and delicious, and I’ll probably be describing each component as ‘lovely’ because that’s really all there was to it. But it was missing that expertise that a veg chef could provide. And while dining here is a nice event for a special occasion, it’s way too expensive for what you get.

The Cliff Bay hotel was decorated for Christmas (it was almost that time) and it felt cozy, even though it’s super weird for me still to reconcile that Christmas can happen in warm or even tropical locales. But I was glad we had chosen to stay at the Porto Mare as this hotel seemed a little less…fun than ours. The crowd was all older and we were clearly the youngest people dining at the Golden Cock (what it means) that night.  

After we were seated in the dim, modern-chic dining room, a waiter asked if we would like champagne. He was already holding it, so husbo said sure why not. I asked for a non-alcoholic option and they brought me a tall pink drink that wasn’t too sweet, so that’s nice. It was topped like the makers had just watched ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ and didn’t realize that Jason Segel was making fun of how much unnecessary garnish bartenders put in drinks and instead they were like ‘this seems smart.’ Mine had a wedge of pineapple, cucumbers, a cherry, and twirly herbs dangling from the whole shibang. I would have eaten all of it too but I was trying to behave properly. 

We found out at the end that they charged 18 euro for the champagne, which was presented as if it were a gift or already included with the extravagant price tag, so that’s kind of/super shirty. You don’t want to go to a supes fance place like this and feel like they’re overcharging you and nickel and diming you, and 18 euros is more than a dime. 

As usual, when they asked for our water preferences I said still and husbo said sparkling because that’s how we roll. They brought us fun bourbon-bottle-looking-mufas of our waters. We found out later that they charged 5 euro for water. I mean. Guys. Include water in your ticket price! This is an unacceptable charge in my book at any restaurant or cafe or place in the universe, let alone a two-michey. 

Those are my big complaints, though, and the rest of it is pretty positive. Like I said, the food, while not as innovative as I’d like, was elegant and delicious. And they brought me olive oil in a dish shaped like the island. 

My first course was a little salad of fennel, baby corn, super super thinly sliced tomato, and cherries. I know, literally the most random assortment of ingredients you could throw together, but they somehow complemented each other. It was simple and refined. 

How pretty is this! Doesn’t it look like little egg tarts or something? It’s little seed cuplings with a piece of yellow tomato. At least I think so. I’m having trouble remembering but I remember liking it and more importantly IT’S SO PRETTY. 

Now this bitch I know! Ugh this was so good. One of the best things about Micheliny restaurant tasting menus is that they ALWAYS throw black truffles at me. For regular diners, these fancy restaurants try to make it worth the price tag by serving expensive meats and rare cheeses and I don’t know hand-churned butter? Shit like that, to make you feel better about the cost. But they can’t give me expensive meats and there are just not expensive vegetables they can throw at me, so they try to make my menu fancy by throwing truffles at me. It was weird to have a slice of raw truffle instead of using it in an oil, a cream, or a paste, as I’ve had in the past, but mushed into this cozy and comforting little stew, it was quite delightful. It was exactly the kind of bean, grain, and veg stew I’d make at home for a winter time dinner, but elevated with that truffle. And the little flower. I never eat flowers at home.

So, as you can see, the next dish was kind of similar to the last. And by similar I mean the same. It seems the restaurant figured out a few good vegan dishes, but since the tasting menu requires a certain amount of dishes, they just repeated some? I mean it was good, and heartier than the usual tasting menu offerings, so I wasn’t complaining. But it showed a lack of planning for me, or a lack of care. 

And then we were already onto dessert! Here was a little bowlful of jelly (not in a Cosby voice! We don’t do that anymore!) with hazelnuts, and one hazelnut was coated in edible silver because of the aforementioned attempt to make my costs seem higher. My absolute favorite part of the entire experience was that one of our waitresses, my favorite one, pronounced it ‘wizelnuts’ in her little accent and it was THE BEST. Hazelnuts played a big role in several of my dishes and she kept talking about it and saying ‘wizelnuts’ and I forking loved it. Always say wizelnuts. 

My second dessert was great. I had a beautiful little vanilla pudding, or more like a flan I guess because it stands as a solid structure. Is that what separates pudding from flan? I have no idea. Anyway it was delicious, and it was a very special treat to not get sorbet or plain fruit. As you can say, they went a little overboard with the gold leaf, trying to up my costs again I guess but like, for no reason at all! It makes me laugh. Like plain bits of gold leaf do not taste good, and having so much of it doesn’t magically make me think ‘oh this was a well priced meal after all’! Nonetheless, it was a better than average dessert. 

So overall, it was a very nice meal, but it would have been a nice meal for a regular restaurant, not necessarily one with two Michelin stars. Each dish was great, but not worth the money. Unlike most of the Michelin restaurants we’ve been to, they didn’t give us a souvenir menu at the end, but hopefully my memories are correct. If they are, I’m confident in saying that Il Gallo d’Oro can provide a lovely dinner for a special occasion while on holiday, but for the price it’s a better choice for the white-haired folk vacationing on Madeira who aren’t vegetarian.

IL GALLO D’ORO, MADEIRA, PORTUGAL, EUROPE
Water speed: A little slow. 
Service: Very fun mostly because of the wizelnuts 🙂 
Bathrooms: The bathrooms were outside the restaurant and in the hotel lobby, so since the hotel was super nice, the bathrooms were too. Very like. 
Food: So the food was delicious, but I basically had the same main twice so that’s a little magoo. And overall it was overpriced for the vegan menu. 
Bonus: Great to have a fancy restaurant on holiday.